But there's been some concern over me being reverend, since I write comedy for a living. There's a thought that maybe instead of getting up there and taking things seriously I'll go out of my way to do something silly or ridiculous. And that Brandon, as my co-author and partner in comedic crime, will only encourage me.
So today I'd like to take a break from our usual hijinks and share for you all the speech I've crafted for Brandon's wedding... with love, and kindness, and great care.
As you can see I'm going to get really sentimental right out the gate. And after Handgelina and Handrew make up, I'm gonna lay it on thick with the love crap. But I'm gonna do it uniquely, because everyone talks about love at a wedding, and they always do it in such a fruity, boring manner. No, I'm gonna talk about the birds and the bees type of love, even if it takes a drink or six to sum up the courage to discuss it.
And then just when their black little hearts have melted into a sickly puddle of amorphous love-goo I'm going to use some killer symbolism. Because people love symbolism at weddings, and what's more symbolic than a ring?
So of course I'm going to have to recite Matthew McConaughey's speech from True Detective on time being a flat circle.
And after that, while everyone in attendance is doubled over in tears (from the awesomeness of the ceremony, I can only assume) I'm just gonna drop the mic and walk out. And the next day I'll send Brandon and his new bride my $1,000 "guest appearance" bill, because surely they knew I wasn't doing this for free, right?
So in the end, I would say to wish me luck, but I don't need it... because I'm gonna hit this one out of the damn park.
Cheers and stay classy, nerds,
The Great Reverend B
Beer: Deschutes Mirror Pond
Music: Flight Facilities
P.S. For the next week Indie Writers Monthly is holding a flash fiction contest where you submit a 200 word or less horror story for a chance to win some awesome books. As Indie horror writers, we're planning to enter, and if you like to write horror, you should consider jumping in the pool with us - like a real pool, it's fun for everyone and definitely not full of our pee.