Monday, August 4, 2014

The Man's Guide to Wedding Planning Like a Boss

When it comes to planning for marriages, we here at ABftS are no slouches. Some might think that the woman is the one who does all of the wedding planning (because it's her special day), but we should tell you that Brandon has spent the last seven months arduously preparing for his wedding this September. And Bryan too is well-versed, having planned his own wedding a few years ago. Which is why we feel completely qualified to present to you our manly guide to Wedding Planning Like a Boss.

First off, suggesting a good location is key. Let's face it, you're tying the knot. And that knot is tied into the rope with which the man is executing his own bachelorhood. So make sure the groom gets sent off with a bang. Chapels and courthouses simply won't do (unless you happen to be in the middle of serving a life sentence). No, you need to make a statement.





We've done the research. It's just not scientifically possible to be sad in a bouncy castle, especially one filled with colorful plastic balls. And forget walking; what bride wouldn't relish the idea of gleefully bouncing and somersaulting down the aisle?

After some invaluable input has been put in toward a killer location, now comes the choice of catering. Forget boring things like chicken and fish. It's good to be unique. It's good to spice things up - literally.




Variety is the spice of life. So is Taco Bell. And while your intestines won't be thanking you for serving everyone 99 cent burritos, your wallet sure will.

Lastly, don't forget music. Music can really make or break a wedding, and it's good, if you're the groom, to suggest some music that will really capture the moment forever.




If a snarling ballad about Satan's asshole followed by a 27 minute guitar riff doesn't say "Baby I love you," then we just don't know what does.

So remember, gents, that no matter what anybody else says, your ideas are awesome. And even if you don't have the green light from your betrothed to have Cheesy Gordita Supremes and Satanic Manslaughter Fjord at your wedding, at least you showed that you care enough to make suggestions. Which is what it's really all about.




I guess what we're saying is... ultimately, it's her special day. And regardless of what you suggest, your opinion doesn't really matter. But God bless you for trying.

Married men - did you have a say in the planning of your wedding? Married women - did you let your husband help you plan the wedding? If so... why, God, why?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Beer: Upslope Craft Lager
Music: The Gaslight Anthem


108 comments:

  1. Speed metal says love to me!! Why didn't I suggest that?
    I think the only suggestion of mine was to go cheap. My wife actually agreed to that. Then we blew a fortune on the honeymoon. Oh well.

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    1. Well, it's usually one or the other. So hmmm, small wedding with an all expenses paid honeymoon in Fiji or Disney princess wedding with a crappy local honeymoon that includes a buy one get one half off appetizer coupon at Applebee's?

      I'd say you made the right call on that one.

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  2. Great googley moogley I would love that Taco Bell bouncy house wedding, even though bouncy anything is extremely taxing on my bladder. Small price to pay for eternal bliss. Or even temporary bliss.
    We had a similar situation for my 2nd wedding, but in reverse. I married a "sensi" as JD from Scrubs would say, a sensitive guy. I know, I know, someone being nice to me is apparently intoxicating.
    Anyway, I had to tell him in painful detail just how painful planning and participating in a fancy wedding really is, and I finally got MY way, well mostly. We went to Vegas and were married at the Little White Chapel, same place Michael Jordan got married. I know that because it says so on their sign. We had a (very coked out) Elvis impersonator and everything. For about $300, they did EVERY detail for us: Flowers, video, pictures, limo to and from, which was key, whole 9 yards. It's the only way to go. For me anyway, short of bouncy house in Taco Bell.

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    1. $300 for flowers, videos, AND pictures? When I got married, we went to this fruity little boutique to inquire about wedding pictures. The girl asked us how much we wanted to spend (that should have been a tip off). Unfamiliar with weddings, we said, "I dunno, a few hundred?" She got a really concerned look on her face and said most wedding photographers cost between $2,500 - $5,000. Are you fucking kidding me?

      We ended up going on Craigslist and getting a girl who was just starting out and wanted some experience. We paid her a few hundred bucks, let her use us as a future reference, and all was well. In fact, the pictures came out great. I'm not undermining what a photographer does, but we didn't need intricate photos with hours of photoshop... all we needed was someone to show up for 3 hours, point and shoot, and send us the results. That is NOT worth $5,000.

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  3. I was with you up until the Taco Bell. Why do you want to force diarrhea on your guests (both in taste and resulting effect)? And you can't consummate your marriage if you both ate Taco Bell. That's like making out with a drunk smoker right after you ate onion rings dipped in garlic sauce.
    We had two weddings, one for the family that was really small and relatively traditional, and one in Vegas for just friends where we got married by Elvis and had a party bus.

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    1. Two commenters in a row married by Elvis? I didn't realize that was such a thing. I feel like I missed out on a real experience. Maybe I need to get divorced, get really drunk, and then get drunk-married in Vegas, by Elvis, at 3 am. If that isn't the most American thing I can do, I don't know what is.

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  4. The bouncy house idea's a great one. This is going to be a fun wedding. I hope you get it on video tape for us.

    My ex had one main project: to put fake labels on our Cheap Chuck's wine. He listed ingredients like "arsenic" and labeled them "Tuesday's finest." It was pretty good. The reason the bride must give the groom a project is to keep him busy. But my groom, of course, increased my blood pressure by finishing his project on our wedding day...and by doing so many other things that I won't get into here.

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    1. I catered my own food for my wedding, and my wife thought it would be fun to make silly name tags for each dish kinda like that. ...It took her all of 30 minutes. How could that have taken so long? Maybe he was really putting arsenic in it? Did any of the guests die?

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    2. Good question. Not to my knowledge, though he did. Before that, though, he, you know, had to soak off each label, one by one, just right, and he couldn't start the process until CSI was over and he felt like it. Each label was printed in the font most to his liking, and a font size most fitting, and with the thorough list of the precise ingredients that he either added or imagined adding and...Thus, the marriage was over before it began. I just didn't know it, because I hadn't studied the labels, because I had other things on my mind on my wedding day.

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  5. I would have been cool with the Taco Bell and bouncy house wedding- especially if you set it up on the beach. It kind of sounds like fun.. I'd take a hard pass on the death metal though. Don't think the grandparents would appreciate the noise!

    The Husband planned our entire wedding pretty much by himself. He tends to be a bit of a control freak-meanwhile I really don't care about the details of stuff like that. (I'm aware I'm not the norm). Honestly, as long as I had on a white dress, we had good food and a room big enough to fit all of our friends and family, I was cool with anything. I didn't freak out about any details or go all Bridezilla. That's just not who I am. I have to say we got married about nineteen years ago (this October) and to this day people still tell me how awesome my wedding was and how much fun they had!

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    1. That's probably one of the coolest things I've ever heard. That's awesome, and definitely not the norm. My wife and I did something similar, because I'm a bit of a control nut myself, but she trusted me, and it turned out amazingly. To this day we still have people tell us it was the greatest wedding they've ever been to.

      When I see those stupid Bridezilla shows where the girl says, "NO, this is MY day, I don't WANT cerulean blue trim I wanted sapphire!" and then she throws everything in a toddler-like tantrum, I just think, dear groom, isn't this the cosmic sign from above that you need to drop this bitch to the curb? It's not gonna get any better when you're married...

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  6. I'd watch it if it was a TV show!

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  7. There is a reason most people have an open bar at their wedding.

    Personally, I hate weddings. If I ever get married, there will be a party in the back yard with a pig roast, many many many kegs of beer, and a bluegrass band. Preferably the Pine Box Boys.

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    1. Sounds like a hell of a wedding to me. I'd crash that. Mine was in an old Victorian mansion, we came out to "Love and Marriage" (ode to Al Bundy), and we had beer and karaoke all night. You know why? Because fuck the Barbie princess wedding.

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  8. I planned mine, most of the suggestions where from her. Picked the chapel, music and dining location. Negated the dj. Because I hate bad dancing and worse I hate inappropriate music during dinner (I went to a wedding where the idiot played nine inch nails "closer" during dinner). All in all I made a nice event, and yeah under 2k all the way :-)

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    1. Cheers to that! I had mine for about $3k, and that was doing mostly everything myself. We ditched the DJ and just did karaoke, so yes the music was bad but at least everyone was having fun. Better than watching a bunch of drunk, fat white girls try to drop it in the middle of the dance floor to Lil Jon (I think that's part of the seventh circle of hell).

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  9. So... where's my invitation for your wedding party?

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    1. We mailed out an invite to "Fang", address: "somewhere in the Netherlands I think" but apparently the mail doesn't work like that and it was returned. :(

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    2. But, you have my email address. Surely my info can be found somewhere on the internet? Had expected you to be better sleuths than this. Here:
      Mark "Fang" S.
      Alcohol Anoniem Amsterdam
      Achillesstraat 79
      1076 PX Amsterdam
      The Netherlands

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  10. As an engaged man, my fiance wanted me to be really involved in the whole wedding planning thing. I suggested that she walked down the aisle to something grand and majestic, such as the Jurassic Park theme. Now I'm not allowed to plan the wedding anymore.

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    1. What woman doesn't want to envision that she's a T-Rex, stomping down the aisle toward her prey?

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  11. The bouncy ball cage would be awesome.

    At the time I got married, there were only a couple states where I was allowed to get married. So the wedding was a road trip to Vermont.

    No damn bouncy cage.

    There WAS Norwegian black metal played in the car on the way back to Texas, though.

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    1. Norwegian black metal in place of southern country-metal? You are the least Texas-like Texan I have ever known.

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  12. My mom and dad got married at a courthouse. He didn't even tell his friends. What they did to his best friend right before his reminds me of fraternity hazing, and he was too much of a wuss.

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    1. If you're too much of a wuss to get duct taped naked to a flag pole and then beaten with kendo sticks then frankly you don't belong in a wedding party.

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  13. lol my best advice has always been to elope, get it over and done with for cheap, but no one seems to like that idea. Bouncy castles is the best idea ever though

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    1. Amen to that. These people that spend $20-30,000 on a wedding... they know they can use that for a huge down payment on a house, right? Or to buy a brand new car? I'd rather have either of those over 3 hours of being treated like a Disney princess, but I guess that's just me.

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  14. I can't seem to remember A THING about my wedding. (Always a clear sign that I had a great time.)

    Joy Christi got married at the same place my Pa and Ma did... The Little White Chapel in Las Vegas. Of course that was in 1958, a little before Elvis impersonators were all the rage. But it worked out OK for my folks because they remained married 'til death did them part (even through some rocky years and a couple of separations).

    Peoples, if you MUST get married, just make sure you don't marry one of THESE peoples:
    LINK: “60+ TERRIBLE IDEAS FUELED BY BEER”

    [That was mostly really for you, 6-B. My co-worker and I found that this morning. At one point he radioed me, and I replied PRECISELY when I saw that guy take a dart in the forehead. I somehow managed croak out a busted-up-laughing reply.]

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Annnnd with that, I was sucked into the vortex that was Ranker, never to return.

      Fun fact: prior to our wedding, we went to the Little White Chapel while we were in town visiting the soon-to-be-in-laws, just to see if they had a black Elvis. If they did, we would have gotten married there on the spot. Since they did not, we had our wedding back here.

      Black Elvis, for reference, was the main character of our hit zombie novel. And while it may have seemed absolutely stupid, we would have let Black Elvis marry my wife and I in a heartbeat.

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  15. After planning a super princessy wedding just to have him run screaming 3 months before the wedding (and I tried to get him to suggest stuff, he refused, which may be why he ran screaming). I decided that the next time I attempted to get married it would be different. It was on our lunch break in a hair salon. The time after that was in my back yard. I'm definitely going the bouncy house route. If I ever find someone.

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    1. I know women who have fully planned out every intimate detail of her wedding... while not even having a boyfriend. So, you know, there's always that. If you want to be a crazy lady.

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    2. I have 5 cats.....doesn't that answer that question :)

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  16. I am so into the bouncy house wedding. I bet all the guest will be talking about the most unique wedding they have ever attended.

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    1. Yes, we just have to remember to keep the open bar and the bouncy house very, VERY separate. Otherwise it will be known as the most foul, vomit filled wedding they have ever attended.

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  17. I haven't been married yet but me and my current girlfriend have had casual conversations. So far she supports my input but I feel when we get closer to something official in a few years time, that all goes out the window. It is mostly her day and eh, men can try but they'll never win. Which is why I'm slightly concerned about the wedding my friend has coming up. It's a lesbian wedding. If women decide things when they get married, who decides things when both participants are women?

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    1. I've often wondered this. It also depends on how they act, too. If they both aren't girly, then does either one even want to have anything to do with planning or do they just want it over with like a straight man might? Or on the flip side, if it's two gay guys who are kind of feminine acting, then do you have two Bridezillas?

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  18. Because I'm Catholic, we were married in Catholic Church which in my opinion made our marriage legal in the eyes of God. But noooooo, my mother in law the Protestant (read heretic) didn't think that was good enough. So she sprung a surprise Protestant wedding on us. Yeah, a surprise wedding, without telling or asking either of us. She even bought me this hideous grey (yeah grey, not white) pant suit (yeah, not dress). The damn thing didn't even fit. After 25 years of marriage, I still hold that grudge.

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    1. Ha! Please tell me that pictures exist of you looking miserable in this awful grey pant suit.

      BTW, I'm pretty sure that "Surprise Protestant Wedding" would make for a great Indie band name.

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  19. I think your idea for a wedding is a great one. Who wouldn't want to get married in a bouncy ball pit? You wouldn't get bored, at least.
    I'm a really indecisive person, so when the time eventually comes I'll probably let my boyfriend help with the decision making. Otherwise, it'll just never happen.

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    1. If it's any help, everything in a wedding is insanely expensive, so if you book a certain venue, you're pretty much stuck with it. Already put down the $2,000 payment... no changing my mind now!

      Wait, that didn't help, did it?

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  20. No, I did not let my husband help plan the wedding, though in retrospect, maybe I should have, as it's 20 years later and I think we are still paying for it. Also, I love Taco Bell.
    You guys cheer me up over here.

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    1. I had a cheap wedding, but I'll still be paying for college until I'm about 40. And our buddy, he's got a kid, so he'll be paying for him for the rest of his life. What I'm saying is, money sucks and it just never gets any easier trying to manage it no matter how 'responsible' you think you are.

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  21. Haha! If I had to do it all over again, I would've gotten married in a ball pit!

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    1. If that isn't the most fun way to renew your vows, I don't know what is.

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  22. If I had to do over I wouldn't get married at all. But now you have me thinking about my ex and his contribution(s) to the actual wedding. I can't think of anything. He did choose his tux and the ones for the groomsmen. I guess it began and ended there.

    If I get married again I will think about the bouncy castle. Ha! Actually, no. Kids pee in those things. But I know I wouldn't spend a ton of money on a wedding again. That is/was just Crazy. And I try not to repeat crazy.

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    1. And yet craziness always has a way of repeating itself...

      Of course kids pee in those things, and that's why you don't invite kids. If I wanted screaming and crying at my wedding, I would have handed my wife the bill right as she stepped up to the altar.

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  23. Well, my girlfriend and I have decided to do a backyard wedding. Now, all we need is a place with a backyard. On second thought, it'd probably be cheaper to have a wedding in the Oval Office rather than buy a house. But rest assured, there will be a ball pit. Even if I have to paint the balls according to the color scheme, I AM HAVING A BALL PIT!

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    1. Chiz's girlfriend: "Awww, you made the balls in the ball pit match my bridesmaids!"

      Chiz - now seen as the greatest boyfriend ever.

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  24. This reminds me of that chimp standing through the chair with a hole in the wall.

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    1. A chimp's sitting down at a glory hole? What? I'm afraid I have absolutely no idea what this means.

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  25. It was February 12th, and for some God-unknown reason it was 73 degrees. We had the license, so I said, let's do this and drove to the court house. Epilogue one: One year later we nearly perished driving home in the most blinding blizzard I'd ever been in. Epilogue two: 5 1/2 years later, we were divorced. Moral of the story: When her sister says, "You're marrying HER?", reconsider.

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    1. Any great marriage always begins with the phrase, "Let's do this."

      Epilogue one: At least it was the courthouse and you didn't drop $30,000 on a Disney princess wedding just to have this happen.

      Epilogue two: Ouch.

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  26. We live in Las Vegas and I wanted a 'themed' wedding at one of the 'special' wedding chapels. I wanted hubby to wear a black leather thong, a collar and leash while I wore a black leather Domme outfit and held his leash as he knelt at my feet. Can you believe he said no?

    LOL

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    1. I think this is the greatest comment we've received on this one yet. I want to hear the vows exchanged for a wedding like this.

      Reverend Skullfuck: "Do you, Mr. Kirkland, vow to let this woman use you as her foot stool and ash tray? Do you pledge to let her beat you into unconsciousness, as long as you both shall live?"
      Mr. K: "Ye-"
      Mary: "I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD SPEAK, SLAVE." *whip crack*

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  27. Hahahaha… Laughing. :)

    I honestly don't remember planning for our wedding. I think I was way too far lost in the love bubble to notice anything around me… I should probably go thank my mom for everything that she did… if it was beautiful. Man, now I feel all this guilt…

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    1. I think being clouded by a love bubble is the most valid excuse for not remembering a wedding. Most bridezillas emanate a bossy, stinking hate cloud of "I want it THIS way, no, I want it THAT way!" that just makes the groom wish the wedding was over. Or that he was dead.

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  28. Only trouble is the bouncy houses tend to blow away in a slight breeze. I had a photographer at my first wedding. No idea what it cost. I know he drove me up the wall. Second wedding much more informal, much more fun. Run away and get married.

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    1. No kidding! It's not just photographers that are expensive; when I was planning my wedding, we were looking at caterers and the absolute cheapest one wanted $2,000 to serve shredded chicken and mashed potatoes, buffet style, for 50 people. Are you kidding me?

      I ended up catering the entire thing myself (I fancy myself a bit of a cook) for $300, and many said after that it was some of the best wedding food they'd ever had.

      Considering the "professional wedding caterer" wanted to serve shredded chicken and mashed potatoes... I'm not surprised to hear this.

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  29. Oh, God. I literally discovered a British TV show last week called "Don't Tell the Bride" in which the premise consists of giving the groom 12,000 pounds so he can plan the wedding in a span of three weeks. This includes invitations, venue, food and dresses. The catch is that the bride has NO say in the matter.

    And while you guys meant it as a joke, there really *were* grooms who set up a bouncy castle and had live death metal played at their special day.

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    1. I would not watch this show as a regular thing, but I guarantee you I would watch the episode where the guy set up a bouncy castle and had a live death metal band, because the last ten minutes of that show would just be pure, trashy gold. ESPECIALLY if she's Bridezilla.

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    2. Well, all right, then.

      Bouncy castle: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uf2wE8wuQos

      Death metal: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7uUhVe9i2g

      (Scottish) Bridezilla: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOJAmz-XVPY

      And just for the laughs, wrestling match: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIYJrucGJK0


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    3. A bouncy castle followed by an electrical bull? That's just good ol' fashioned redneck fun.

      God bless that tatted up bride - death metal makes me cry, too.

      What is it about a harsh Scottish accent that makes a Bridezilla sound even more intolerable? UGH.

      Also, that wrestling match was nice, but someone below mentioned sumo suits. THAT I'd like to see.

      $10 says all of the above couples are divorced before year's end. You don't go on a show like that if you're happily in love. You... you just don't.

      (Thanks for digging those up! That was insanely awesome of you)

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  30. I don't expect to have an elaborate wedding. I think the planning process would be solely consumed by thoughts like "Oh wait, this is really happening??". I can only hope the shock would eventually wear off.

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    1. Trust me, it wears off quickly. Then all that's left behind is, "Oh god, when is this happening? Is it over yet?"

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  31. The only thing missing from the Bouncy House Wedding is a pair of inflatable Sumo Suits. “You may belly-bump the bride.”

    Back when I got married, Future-Ex and I paid for our own wedding, (mostly) so that reduced the in-law interference. That might have been because it was her 3rd go-round, and they didn’t much care any more.

    We mutually selected the venue, which was attached to a nice hotel, for my out of town guests’ convenience. After that, I didn’t give a rip about any other arrangements, save for two, the booze and the music. Like I care about the color of the napkins, or flowers? “Whatever you want, honey.”

    Obviously, we needed an open bar. (Some people, like my brother, had to fight for that.) The DJ was my turf. First guy I interviewed try to tell me how many requests I could have. I said, “Next!” The second guy was all, “You’re the boss.” I said, “Hired.”

    I told him, “This will be the easiest wedding you’ll ever do. Here’s a mix tape (it was 1993) to cover cocktail hour. And here’s another tape for dinner hour. Just play these and you’ll have 2-3 hours covered.” (I had a mixing board, so the songs were blended together… no, not all at the same time.)

    I had very specific views on the wedding music… like no Chicken Dance, no Hokey-Pokey, no songs made up of dance instructions. And no taking requests from anyone under 18. There would be rock and there would be blues. There would be Stevie Ray, Albert Collins and Lonnie Mack. There would be AC/DC and George Thorogood.

    And you know you’ve thrown a good wedding, where at the end of the night, all of the servers are dancing over by the kitchen.

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    1. She may be an ex, but that wedding sounds like it was a hell of a good time. Just as it should be. Forget about not allowing anyone under 18 to make requests. I didn't allow anyone under 18 period. I wanted a night of adult related fun, not screaming and crying during the one day of my life I get to kinda be selfish.

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  32. You don't need taco bell. Just burritos. A burrito bar. I'm not joking, that sounds delicious.


    ...burrito.

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    1. I don't know if burritos would be the classiest wedding food, but they'd certainly be the tastiest.

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  33. LOL
    I picked the place. I even did my own flowers. I must be crazy! Of course I am pretty odd!
    The reception we had in the reception hall of my favorite drinking establishment! Win, Win!

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    1. For my wedding I picked the place and did all of my own catering. So color me just as odd as you.

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  34. No water slides or bumper cars? I'm disappointed

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    1. Well, this IS all fun on a budget, so... slip and slide and jousting with grocery carts?

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  35. We only had immediate family, so there wasn't much planning to do. We didn't even want them - we would have been happy running over to the courthouse - but we also didn't want them to kill us, so we compromised. Oddly, I do event planning now, and I think it would be easier to do the one I do for 3,000 people than one for a couple. Emotionally, anyhow.

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    1. I think that's the magic of weddings; no matter whether it's for 10 people or 1,000, it's always the same level of emotionally taxing - off the fucking charts.

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  36. I'm not married but this post was a warning to all girls. I'm not even sure I'll be asking my future husband for opinions after this. We might end up with the wedding you described here. That's terrifying.

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    1. Terrifying...ly fun? Even death metal has its fun moments. I once went to see an old coworker perform in his death metal screamo band, since he had been begging me to for a long time. I finally obliged, and it was every bit as ridiculous as you can imagine. Afterwards, he asked me what I thought and I just smiled and said he sounded like a velociraptor from Jurassic Park. He said it was the greatest compliment he's ever gotten.

      It... wasn't a compliment.

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  37. 17 years later you have just reminded me of exactly why I chose & convinced my husband that eloping followed by a fun party was the only way to go. For our 10 year we took 16 friends to Disneyland & a Dodgers game where we proceeded to partake in all-you-can-eat ridiculousness. I was awesome & 7 years later our friends are still talking about it! My husbands main contribution to that event was choosing t-shirts that would be bright enough to be seen across the Disneyland park so we could all find each other easily. I had forgotten that he is color blind & he chose the MOST obnoxious neon green. It worked out perfectly- everyone stayed together & nobody ever had to ask 'how many in your group?' Our motley crew was so damn obvious!

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    1. That sounds like an absolute blast. I think the moral of the story is as long as you're having fun, it doesn't matter what you do. I know for me personally I'd rather spend a ton of money on the game of a lifetime with friends than trying to accommodate and impress 300 extended family members and acquaintances that I never even see on a regular basis.

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  38. Definitely go the cheap route if possible. The goal is to BE married, not just to GET married. My hubs and I are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary in a couple months, and I still think we should have gone with his idea of immediate family in someone's backyard. We did the whole traditional thing, still being Catholic at the time, and with me having a lot of family who "expected" a certain type of wedding. It was fine, but of course people were not nearly as creative back then. We had a photographer we hired, sight unseen (got married in my hometown, nowhere near where we were living at the time) and he was awful . . . I think he only photographed weddings so he could drink for free. At one point in the ceremony, he took a shot straight down the aisle, and with all the altar decorations (with the gold stuff they put up there), it made the priest look like he was wearing a golden funnel on his head, a la, the Tin Man. Classic.

    For what it's worth, I think the bouncy house would be a better honeymoon idea than a wedding ceremony site.

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    1. Oh yes, the guilt wedding, the one day it should be all about you and your husband but instead it's just, "God, I hope this is enough to get my parents off my back for a while."

      And maybe your photographer was better than you thought. Maybe he was just trying to show you that Father Tin Man had a heart all along!

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  39. Why does an American bride and groom insist on shmushing wedding cake into each other's faces? That is the most bizarre wedding ritual. We don't do it in Canada or anywhere else in the civilized world. It seems like such a passive aggressive way to start off a shared life together. But then maybe that's what marriage is all about, I don't know.

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    1. Oh you silly Canadians and your peaceful traditions. Here in America shoving cake into each other's faces is a symbolic act of war, as marriage is not only a constant battle, but statistically speaking one or both of you will likely die of the diabeetus.

      Delete
    2. The 'Beetus! A wedding tradition! I knew we'd forgotten something. It's amazing we're still married.

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  40. That's going to be one heck of a honeymoon! Not necessarily an amazing one...with all that Taco Bell lol

    Hubby and I actually both made plans and decisions together. He's opinionated and since it was his day too, we shared in the stress and the joy. Good thing we have similar tastes. It was easy for me not to become bridezila. Many things went wrong on the wedding day (small details) but it was okay, I got that sucker to say "I Do," so I accomplished my goal of the day. :P

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    1. I like the way you think! Sure, maybe the cake was delivered late, or maybe Uncle Steve got drunk and knocked over half the wine glasses, but everyone seems to forget the biggest possible problem - future hubby getting cold feet last minute and running off like he's just been set on fire.

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  41. Y'all crack me up. I love this - I kept laughing and nodding all the way through. Perfect!

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    1. Our lawyers tell us to pass on that we can't be held legally liable for neck damage from all that spontaneous nodding and laughing. But thanks though. :)

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  42. I'm sure Brandon's wedding will be one of the most entertaining events ever! I would love to be a fly on the wall for the speeches alone. Your wife must be a great sport, and you are wise to let her plan her special day.

    Julie

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    1. Will it be wildly entertaining? Yes. Will it be so wild that his soon-to-be bride runs off in horror? We hope not!

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  43. Weddings just cost too much. The whole industry is playing the most important day of your life card on mostly women but I think some guys fall for it too.

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    1. Amen to that, man. There's no reason why anyone should be able to charge you $2,500 to serve a bunch of generic food for 50 people (for $50 a plate, I could treat my guests to lobster and steak for God's sake). Or $5,000 for a photographer. Or $1,500 for a dress. But hey, what better way to remember your wedding forever than spending all of that time paying it off, amirite?

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  44. Bryan, if you saw the TRT the other night, that wedding pretty much sums up my first wedding. No Bridezilla or Groomzille, but everything dictated by parents and tradition. It was OK, but of course because there was a second wedding, obviously it wasn't good enough.

    The second was more Groomzilla's idea, couple kegs in the creek, and ceremony under the trees in our backyard and our friends cooking burgers and chicken over a fire pit. Music provided by our stereo on the porch and a good friend took some pictures.

    The wedding is NOT what marriage is all about people. It's one day and in the end not necessarily the more important day of your life, even though it may be one of the most important decisions.

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    1. I did indeed see the TRT, and amen to everything you said. A marriage is more than just the wedding, and sometimes I think those who are engaged don't always look past the wedding date and the bigger picture.

      My wife, before we got married, hung out with some of her old Vegas friends. She showed them her engagement ring and told them the news. Instead of congratulating her they asked her, "Why didn't you ask for a bigger ring? You could have totally milked him for a $10,000-$15,000 ring with a huge diamond," to which my wife said, "Because we don't have a lot of money and after we're married his debt is now mine. Ultimately I'd be spending an extra year or so paying off my own ring just for the sake of vanity. That seems pretty stupid."

      That thought apparently blew their minds, like they'd never even considered that.

      Marriage - more than an expensive party and a shiny rock on your finger. Imagine that!

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  45. Fortunately, the only hand I had in it was suggesting to have an outdoor wedding. That was the extent of it. Still flying high after celebrating 25.

    Father Nature's Corner

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    1. Yeah, I got high at my wedding too. Wait, what were you talking about?

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  46. What. No advice about the open bar? What kind of wedding is this without an open bar.

    You two clearly have no idea what makes a wedding good.

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    1. Hey, I thought the open bar was a given. There's no decision making necessary for that one; if you're getting married, there's going to be a shitload of booze. No consultation required.

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  47. Thank goodness my daughter just wants a small beach wedding and money (of course). I would hate to have to plan a big wedding. Too stressful...

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    1. Yes! Exactly! You know what's even better than blowing a ton of money on a pricey wedding? Asking for the money and then just keeping it.

      Delete
  48. Both of my weddings were pretty lame. The first one was at the courthouse, the second was done by the JOP at hubby's military base. *yawn" But, I just couldn't see spending a ton of money. Except when it came to the dress…I rocked that bitch!

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    1. JOP? Java Optimized Processor? Journal of the Pancreas? The Joy of Painting? (Bob Fucking Ross!)

      Google has no solid answers on what this is. Halp?

      Delete
  49. "If a snarling ballad about Satan's asshole followed by a 27 minute guitar riff doesn't say "Baby I love you," then we just don't know what does."

    Sure, but what if your wife's sister already USED the Satan's Asshole song for HER wedding? Bad enough Sheila $(#$&%$ put her wedding in June and you had to wait until October because only WHITE TRASH gets married in the fall but you're not going to wait a whole 'nother year just because Sheila had to get married before she started showing and had to let out her dress AGAIN.

    My point is, maybe something from Air Supply.

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    1. Oh, don't you worry, there are so many other songs about Satan's asshole. So, so many. God bless you, death metal. Or maybe not.

      Delete
  50. I got married in a botanical garden. Problem is, I never told the folks at the garden that I was doing so. So all our guests had to pay admission.
    That marriage failed.
    This may have been why.

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  51. Based on that post I'm guessing you've been relegated to NO WEDDING planning at all. Either a devious strategy or unintentional genius. ;) And congratulations on your upcoming wedding!!! I hope it's a beautiful, perfect day with zero Taco Bell!

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  52. I do think hiring a wedding planner is quite necessary if you have enough budget and it's a medium or large wedding with at least 100 wedding guests! 

    bridal fashion

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