Monday, August 25, 2014

Axe-Making: The Hobby of Madmen

Everyone needs a hobby, right? Some folks collect stamps for fun. Others stare at computer screens, yelling into microphones and jerking their joysticks fervently while they strive to gain experience points in the land of D'Afartnabag. Brandon, however, has taken up a much more peculiar hobby.


You see, Brandon has made a hobby out of refinishing old dilapidated axes. It's a pastime that's caused a little concern from his friends and family, especially after he's spent hours upon hours in his dark garage forging one like a medieval madman.

When he does emerge, it tends to startle his lady. Especially on days like today when he has such killer news.












Yes, that's right, not only is today the release of Brandon's new novel, Lovely Death, but he's also giving away the axe that he made exclusively for the story. It's a 2 and 3/4 lb. camping axe, with a white hickory handle he hand-finished blood red. He also made the leather mask like the leather-working badass that he is.


In fact, you probably remember seeing it right here on his new book cover:


It even appeared in the trailer, which you may also remember. But that's not the best part. Brandon is also giving away FREE signed paperbacks of the new novel to everyone who buys the $5.99 eBook on Amazon within the first week. All you have to do is go buy the eBook right now and drop Brandon an email at abeerfortheshower@gmail.com to let him know you bought it (along with your mailing address) and he'll ship you a personalized, signed copy. And if you decide to cornhole the honor system, just remember that an axe-wielding maniac now knows where you live! Also, sorry to be a killjoy, but continental US only, please.

So, where does the axe giveaway fit in? Well, it's easy. Once you've bought your eBook, you'll have until Sunday at 5p.m. Eastern Time to leave a review on Amazon (and once again let Brandon know you've done it). After that, your name gets dropped into a hat, and next Monday we'll announce who won the axe, handmade by the author. It doesn't have to be a lengthy or intricate review. Mostly, Brandon just needs to get as many starred ratings as possible to boost his sales rank right out the gate. And he needs your help to do it! Plus, you can win this sweet ass axe, which actually appears in the story.


So go buy the book! On top of all the giveaway hullabaloo, it's actually a hell of a fun horror story. Here's the synopsis:

"He never intended for it, but the rising star director of a new Hollywood slasher film has found himself at the center of his own personal horror story: having gunned down his stalker, Laura Scranton. Her death may have been justified, but for Nick, Laura’s death was only the opening act. Ever since her killing, he’s been losing sleep to increasingly terrifying dreams, has even begun seeing things in the waking world that aren’t really there. It appears that even in death Laura refuses to release her icy grip on his sanity. And if Nick can’t figure out a way to rid himself of her haunting visage soon it will cost him more than just his life. Because in exchange for their eternal bliss together Laura has promised a voodoo priest Nick’s very soul. And the time for collection is at hand."

Time for a change of underwear, right? What are you waiting for? Head on over and get your copy here-------> Lovely Death, by Brandon Meyers. As always, thank you for your support and for coming back every week to follow our misadventures with humanity. We couldn't do what we do without you.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: Colorojo
Music: Excitable Boy, by Warren Zevon

73 comments:

  1. Congratulations, Brandon! On the book. Axe is cool as well, although it does scare me a little. Is it guaranteed not to dull, even after years of hacking? Or does that depend on what we are hacking...?

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    1. All axes dull down after a while, so it's probably good to invest in a sharpener if you plan on murdering more than, say, 100 people.

      Delete
  2. Congratulations on the release of your new book. Heh heh. It sounds really great. I--uh--I will be--OH GOD PLEASE DON'T AXE MY FACE IT'S ALL I HAVE! Also, I applaud the lack of axe puns that this could have devolved into.

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    1. I don't even know why you'd axe us not to kill you. I mean, you're one of our most axecellent commenters.

      Delete
  3. Good luck with the new book, Brandon! It sounds chilling. Does the voodoo angle mean that zombies will ultimately be involved in the plot again?

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    1. Thanks! No zombies involved in this one, but it's very chilling nonetheless.

      Delete
  4. If I win the axe but then replace the blade, and then I replace the handle, will it still be the axe that killed my neighbor with? Will the resulting media buzz help the sales of your novel or hurt them?

    Killing your stalker sounds like a really good premise for a novel. I don't know if I even trust someone twisted enough to come up with that...

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    1. Why would you replace the blade? That thing was sharpened really well and could slice through bone easily.*

      *but, uh, for the sake of legality, please don't ever do that

      Delete
  5. lol glad no one got axed or ended up with a funny axe-cent. I hope people axe you if they are confused. Axe-ually they better not. They may get an axe to the face. Now I am through. Congrats on the book, will add it to my nook, by nook I mean kindle and by knidle I mean computer, but that just didn't rhyme.

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    1. Who needs rhyming with all of those killer axes puns? That was almost axe-cessive, but if anything, it was a great axe-ercise in creativity!

      Delete
  6. You axed me to buy the book...and I did. :) Can't wait to read it.

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  7. At least he wasn't making that awful body spray targeted to stupid kids in middle and high school.

    Congrats on the book.

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    1. Thanks! And just like the body spray, this book has about as much power to get you laid. That number being zero.

      Delete
  8. That looks like a really well-made axe alright! Completely from scratch? Impressive, love the key imprint at the bottom.
    Why US only? What could possibly be suspicious about some citizen shipping a deadly weapon overseas?

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    1. Thanks! It's not made COMPLETELY from scratch, I mean, I can't melt down metal and all that, but it's as close to scratch as you're going to get.

      And the NSA probably is already watching us like a hawk for the stupid shit we say. The last thing we need is a reason for them to detain us.

      "So, I see according to Google searches you were looking up how many axe cuts it takes to hack through human bone, and now you're sending sharpened, handmade axes to people overseas? Are you a terrorist?"

      Delete
  9. Oh, of course it HAD to be Warren Zevon's 'Excitable Boy'!
    What other musical soundtrack would do?

    Nice little promo here but...
    needs more cowbe---

    ...er, I mean... needs more Axe puns!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Axe-ually, I axe-cept full responsibility for the lack of axe puns and can only hope that our next promo post axe-ceeds your axe-pectations.

      Delete
  10. WOW. I am absolutely terrified.
    The book looks good, too.

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    1. p.s. Hopefully when they make the book into a movie, Axe cologne will sponsor the network premier and Michael Jackson's son Blanket can play Brandon. What could be more sCaRy than that?

      Delete
    2. Probably the only way it could be scarier was if it was directed by Michael Bay (and everything exploded, including the axe) and the love interest was played by Nicki Minaj. Brandon, as played by Blanket: "Dayum, gurl, dat booty be bangin'!"

      Delete
  11. I want the book. I also want the axe, but my roommate is batshit crazy and I don't think having something sharp in the apartment will help that much. I pissed him off so he would probably steal it. Maybe you should write a horror story about him too. He scares all girls away.

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    1. Maybe if you keep the axe for yourself, you'll be better prepared to defend yourself when he snaps? Now THAT'S a story I'd like to read.

      Delete
  12. I have to admit that's a fine looking axe, but horror stories give me nightmares.

    I grew up in an old house in the deep South and could feel the vibes of uneasy spirits. I moved out when I went to college, and now that same house has been renovated. Don't know if they got rid of the bad vibes or not. . .

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    1. I don't think renovation makes that stuff go away. People have always felt things in my grandmother's house, and even after she passed and my uncle inherited/completely renovated the house, there's still one room that gives everyone the creeps, no matter what time of day you go in there.

      Delete
  13. Awesome news, Brandon! I'll purchase the book once I'm home. I can't promise that I'll have a review in before Sunday, though, because I am the world's slowest reader, and I'm currently in the middle of a book now. Though, I have left reviews on books I've only partially read, so maybe I'll be able to swing something (preferably an ax).

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yes! Reviews can definitely be partial, and we know you'll leave something more upscale than "cool story bro." Though, I have to say, having read it, it IS a pretty cool story... bro.

      Delete
  14. Congrats!!

    Kinda regretting this whole "being Canadian" thing right now though... (queue the "Well, I walked right into that one" punch line)...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Sorry. Oh gosh, we're sorry. We're so sorry.

      (Get it? Canadians always apologize? Uh, sorry)

      Delete
  15. I've been impressed by your magical skills with graphics, or whatever the proper term is, but the axe swinging with background shifting takes first place. That's amazing, that along with Brandon's shifty eyes.

    Congratulations, Brandon! Good luck, fiancee! We'll let you know when it's safe to come out, if ever.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think animated comics are the term? Maybe? My next endeavor for my own solo novel includes 2 fully animated book trailers, so I'm stepping up my animation game.

      And she thinks it's safe to come out for the wedding, but that's the absolute perfect time to strike. Red wedding, anyone?

      Delete
  16. That does sound like a creepy story, especially since it was based on a real person! Love the axe, too :)

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    1. It's haunting, well told, and damn suspenseful. Best book I read all of 2014, and I'm not just saying that.

      ~Bryan

      Delete
  17. Would this work as a review:
    "I knew this guy in high school, and he wrote this book. You should buy it. I'm sure it's good. 5 stars!"

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    Replies
    1. YES! But only if it's a non certified purchase review, aka I'll offer my friend moral support, but won't go so far as to buy it.

      Delete
    2. Oh, yeah, of course! I would never buy an indie book! Everyone knows that if it's not traditionally published it's a steaming pile of poo!

      Delete
    3. Well, sure, my buddy wrote a book, but he's just "that guy I know." He's no James Patterson.

      Delete
  18. Brandon is looking a bit maniacal these days. Or maybe he always looks this way and I just don't know it.... Hmm. If that's what actually getting your book published looks like... maybe I should rethink what I am doing. Just sayin'.

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    1. Writing a book really changes a person. Bryan wrote a book about a man and a blow up doll in 2011 and to this day still tries to tell people that he has "a wife."

      Delete
  19. I'm not in the US anyway, plus I am not really into horror stories - sorry. Congratulations on your book though and I hope it does really well. I wouldn't know what to do with an axe anyway, I prefer poison.

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    1. Hey no need to be sorry, horror isn't for everyone. We're just glad you stopped by anyway. And maybe it's just the cook in me, but I like the idea of poison, too. Much less messy.

      It's easy to hide from a guy with an axe... much less easy to hide from a friendly neighbor with a freshly baked pie...

      Delete
  20. Congratulations to Brandon! I confess, the book sounds a little too grizzly for my taste. Much success to him!

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    1. I might be a little worried if a grandmother was eager to snatch up this book and win a maniac's axe! Worry you not! We're just always happy to see you stop by.

      Delete
  21. Yay for Brandon and his new book...and...axe...? Well, at least he's not doing something REALLY creepy in his spare time, like being a clown. I'd have to worry about him then.

    The book sounds really good, but I think I'd be creeped out by it. I will gladly support this endeavor from the sidelines, though. "Goooooo Brandon's book! And axe!"

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    1. ...AND MY AXE!

      And it's true, clown suits really add to the creepiness. A guy with stubble and leather jacket holding an axe: bad ass. A guy with stubble in a clown suit holding an axe: holy crap, let's jet, this guy's about to mass murder some suckers.

      Delete
    2. I can't believe I didn't get the LOTR reference before now! Well done. (Also, I think Legolas looks fabulous in that bow!)

      Delete
  22. I don't think I trust Boyfriend around an axe, honestly.

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    1. Why do you think we're giving it away? We don't trust ourselves with it, either.

      Delete
  23. Congrats on the new book, sounds axe-cellent

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    1. It's pretty axe-ceptional, if I do say so myself.

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  24. I'll have to admit I was kind of scared there for a minute . . . of the Ashton Kutcher chin Brandon was sporting in some of those frames. The axe I can handle . (Get it? Handle? Ughhhhh.) But that chin. It's almost sharper than the blade. I want to see him chop through that door with his chin.

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    1. How do you think he sharpens that axe? A few strokes against his sharp, stubbled chin and that axe could cut through titanium.

      Delete
  25. Oh ma goodness! I cannot pass on a bargain! And of course, once you guys are like "the thing" I am soooo going to sell my book on eBay. One way or another, this writing gig will put money in my pocket!

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    1. Hey, if you're gonna sell it, then make sure you hold out until it's really worth something! I mean quadruple digits! Don't settle for less!

      Delete
  26. I'll read the story, but I think I'll skip the contest. That Axe looks a little too deadly for a dumb blonde to have laying around the house.

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    1. With all the times we've been camping and chopped wood with one of Brandon's sharp, handmade axes I'm surprised both of us still have fingers. If we can do it, I bet you could too. Who doesn't love some fresh firewood? Or, you know, it could just be ornamental. :)

      Delete
  27. With all of this book writing and comic making how the hell do you ever have time to drink beer?
    Ax looks sweet. You know how much I like my firewood. Believe it or not you can do other things with an ax besides chop people up into tiny bits and feed them to the pigs and then eat the pigs with a side of green beans and an ice cold pomegranate martini with one of those little umbrella things that make you want to go on vacation because you haven't been on vacation in forever because you are always writing books.
    and other stuff...

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    1. We have plenty of time to drink beer between swingin' them axes. Isn't that a given?

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  28. Yay, the book is finally here! Can't wait to delve into it later.

    Should I be concerned by the fact I don't find the axe behaviour even remotely odd?

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    1. You know, if I was going to brutally murder someone, "axe" would be on the bottom of my list. So unnecessarily messy. I'd rather get close to them, spend a night drinking, and then slowly force liquor down their passed out throats until they die of alcohol poisoning. Kill smarter, not harder.

      Delete
    2. The alcoholic in me can't think of a kinder way to be murdered.

      Delete
  29. Love the axe. Hubby keeps an axe by the door in case an intruder breaks in. Congrats on the book release.

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    1. Good for hubby! Isn't that going to defend you so much better than a lame little baseball bat would?

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  30. Congrats!!! Would you email me and let me know how horrific it is...because as you know I totally dig your stuff but also can't read anything *too* violent or I get nightmares. Cause I am a big wuss, at least in my subconscious.

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    1. Completely understand! E-mail coming your way!

      Delete
  31. I don't think you can mail that to me. I'm pretty sure Canadian customs would throw a fit.

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    1. Yeah, but they're Canadian, so they'd probably apologize profusely and then crack a cold beer with us.

      Delete
  32. "jerking their joysticks fervently." You just made my day with this!
    And hey - Brandon - CONGRATULATIONSSSS!! I'm shopping a book around myself, so I know how you must feel. Fantastic! Your cover looks awesome, and so does the ax. Clearly, you're a badass.

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    1. He's not really a badass, but isn't that the beauty of fiction? A little photoshop and some descriptive words can do wonders for anyone!

      Delete
  33. Very cool. I need to head over to amazon.

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  34. Sounds like a great book. Plus, awesome idea to ship that evidence .. I mean PRIZE... off to someone else.

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  35. Oh no! Since I'm late in getting here, you might not have any autographed copies left. If I decide to email you anyway, then it's the same as sending an axe murderer directly to my door. Of course, the axe-man would likely be less chiseled than Brandon, and he'd be using a different axe. Something tells me it might be worth the risk! Congrats Brandon!

    Julie

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