Monday, August 25, 2014

Axe-Making: The Hobby of Madmen

Everyone needs a hobby, right? Some folks collect stamps for fun. Others stare at computer screens, yelling into microphones and jerking their joysticks fervently while they strive to gain experience points in the land of D'Afartnabag. Brandon, however, has taken up a much more peculiar hobby.

You see, Brandon has made a hobby out of refinishing old dilapidated axes. It's a pastime that's caused a little concern from his friends and family, especially after he's spent hours upon hours in his dark garage forging one like a medieval madman.

When he does emerge, it tends to startle his lady. Especially on days like today when he has such killer news.

Yes, that's right, not only is today the release of Brandon's new novel, Lovely Death, but he's also giving away the axe that he made exclusively for the story. It's a 2 and 3/4 lb. camping axe, with a white hickory handle he hand-finished blood red. He also made the leather mask like the leather-working badass that he is.

In fact, you probably remember seeing it right here on his new book cover:

It even appeared in the trailer, which you may also remember. But that's not the best part. Brandon is also giving away FREE signed paperbacks of the new novel to everyone who buys the $5.99 eBook on Amazon within the first week. All you have to do is go buy the eBook right now and drop Brandon an email at to let him know you bought it (along with your mailing address) and he'll ship you a personalized, signed copy. And if you decide to cornhole the honor system, just remember that an axe-wielding maniac now knows where you live! Also, sorry to be a killjoy, but continental US only, please.

So, where does the axe giveaway fit in? Well, it's easy. Once you've bought your eBook, you'll have until Sunday at 5p.m. Eastern Time to leave a review on Amazon (and once again let Brandon know you've done it). After that, your name gets dropped into a hat, and next Monday we'll announce who won the axe, handmade by the author. It doesn't have to be a lengthy or intricate review. Mostly, Brandon just needs to get as many starred ratings as possible to boost his sales rank right out the gate. And he needs your help to do it! Plus, you can win this sweet ass axe, which actually appears in the story.

So go buy the book! On top of all the giveaway hullabaloo, it's actually a hell of a fun horror story. Here's the synopsis:

"He never intended for it, but the rising star director of a new Hollywood slasher film has found himself at the center of his own personal horror story: having gunned down his stalker, Laura Scranton. Her death may have been justified, but for Nick, Laura’s death was only the opening act. Ever since her killing, he’s been losing sleep to increasingly terrifying dreams, has even begun seeing things in the waking world that aren’t really there. It appears that even in death Laura refuses to release her icy grip on his sanity. And if Nick can’t figure out a way to rid himself of her haunting visage soon it will cost him more than just his life. Because in exchange for their eternal bliss together Laura has promised a voodoo priest Nick’s very soul. And the time for collection is at hand."

Time for a change of underwear, right? What are you waiting for? Head on over and get your copy here-------> Lovely Death, by Brandon Meyers. As always, thank you for your support and for coming back every week to follow our misadventures with humanity. We couldn't do what we do without you.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!


Beer: Colorojo
Music: Excitable Boy, by Warren Zevon

Monday, August 18, 2014

An Agent Comes A-Knockin'

If we've learned anything from the whole Edward Snowden debacle it's that when you post highly sensitive and staggeringly important information on the Internet, sooner or later government agents are going to come looking for you. Which is why it was only a matter of time before they came knocking on our doors.

It was weird, though, because the agent that discovered us didn't seem all that threatening. If anything, she seemed friendly about it all.

As an agent, she had us sign some paperwork that we probably should have read. We don't know if it was for a traffic summons or maybe she made us take out a mortgage, but if it is, the joke's on her; you can't steal money from people who don't actually have any in the first place!

Writers especially say that agents are essential, but if they're so useful, how come they can't even carry out a basic assassination? We were beginning to wonder what Agent Holly could even do for us.

So if you haven't already guessed, today's post is us announcing that we've signed with a kick ass agent named Holly from MacGregor Literary, who unlike many agents we've dealt with in the past is funny, personable, and answers e-mails faster than 3-6 business months. She actually replies to us the same day we send her something (who does that?).

But this announcement comes with both good and bad news.

The good news is that she wants to represent us, and as her first item of business, she wants to shop around a book version of our blog, with almost entirely all new content, to be printed in full color through a major publisher.

The bad news, of course, is that she will not assassinate our sworn foes, nor can she help us meet Captain America.

We'd still like to think the good far outweighs the bad. So stay tuned for more info on the blog book as it becomes available to us, and until next time...

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

Beer: Old Style
Music: Stevie Ray Vaughan

Monday, August 11, 2014

Trailer Parking Only

It's no secret that Brandon's absolute favorite part of going to the movie theater is seeing the trailers for upcoming films.

And by the time you figure out one of them is stab-your-eyeballs-out terrible, it's already over and you don't have to sit through an entire hour and a half of it bleeding profusely into your lap. Or, if it's pop-your-eyeballs-out awesome, then you get to wait in eager anticipation until its release.

This is why Brandon absolutely refuses to see a movie until he sees the trailer. Because most times, a trailer will do a good enough job of telling you what the movie's about and if it's worth seeing.

The key words being most times.

So on that note, we hope the trailer we bring you today won't elicit the upturning of popcorn or your lunch. It's with great pleasure that we bring you the trailer for Brandon's upcoming novel Lovely Death: a story about a man, a muscle car, and the ghost that just won't leave him the hell alone.

Not bad for our first stab at a book trailer, eh? Eh? Well, we hope so.

As you can see, Brandon looks quite thrilled at the fact that his new book is going to be released in two weeks. A happiness that's just to die for. So, stick around for the announcement, folks. Because there's going to be a pretty excellent giveaway happening on release day.

Here's the final cover, by the way. Both it and the trailer were shot and edited by Bryan (with the trailer featuring the very talented voice-work of his car). So if there are any complaints...

Stay tuned for more info about the contest and the release.

Till then, you ever been tricked by a movie trailer?*

*like Adam Sandler's been tricking the American public into thinking he's funny for the past 20 years

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Beer: Ranger IPA
Music: Waylon Jennings