Monday, July 28, 2014

You Will Never Believe What These Two Drunken Idiots Uncovered

Thanks to popular websites like Buzzfeed and Upworthy, we've learned that our website is completely out of date with what Internet users want. We're falling behind. So, effective immediately, we're going to be instituting some awesome changes around here, so we can be just like all those other modern websites that you know and love.

First off, instead of this lame 'everything on one page' format, we're going to be running all slide shows. All. The. Time. Basically, this means every post will be broken down into at least ten individual pages, so every time you hit that little arrow button to see what our next wowsuperexcellent cartoon is, it'll generate extra pageviews for us and make us look extra impressive on the Internet. Cool, right? Who doesn't want to click through fifteen pages just to read our first string of comics?









The answer, by the way, was "impasta." You call a fake noodle "impasta." Har har! Totally worth clicking 10 separate slides, right? And look at all those extra pageviews we have! Our e-cock is growing faster than Pinocchio's nose!

Next, we're going to be adding a whole lot more mystery ad videos that are all set to autoplay, which blare obnoxious noises at the worst times and are all but impossible to locate and stop on the page. We just know how much everybody loves those!









And if you're concerned about our content, well, don't worry, we've got that covered too! Starting immediately, we're also going to be adding lots of clickbait titles to every post, enticing you into clicking something that's either awful, spam, or both! And since we'll make a whopping .0003 cents per click by way of referral, I think we all know that this is totally worth it for us AND for you.








And you'd better believe we're going to start doing clickbait top ten lists. So, so many lists, just like the high class, thinking man's website that every professional journalist can only dream of adding to their resume, Buzzfeed.

Last but not least, we plan to institute mandatory full-page ads that make you countdown thirty seconds before you can even enter our site. Everyone has 30 seconds to waste, and if anything, it's a great way to get yourselves familiar with our newfound sponsors, don't you think?


Thanks to all of this snazzy new site decor, we'll be gaining extra pageviews that totally matter to people who aren't us, while simultaneously generating dozens of dollars of income per year for ourselves, so it's definitely worth it! A win/win situation for everybody!

So, we hope you've enjoyed this announcement as much as we have. In fact, we're so excited we might just have to stop and enjoy a refreshing pack of Dr. Bill's Amazing Fat-Loss Boner Pills (As seen on TV!). You should try some too! Buying a pack nets us a whole 15 cents by way of referral!

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

-B&B

Beer: Boner Pils(ner)
Music: Can't hear anything over these sweet talking ads



117 comments:

  1. Great, I'll feel like I'm on CNN and waiting for the stupid video to start playing...
    Why do pageviews and hits matter? I don't even know what mine are...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We don't follow ours that closely either. I'd rather have quality traffic than a bunch of empty numbers any day.

      "Yeah, man, I get 20,000 hits a day! No one comments, and I haven't sold a book in months, but look at all of that traffic! Am I cool yet? WILL YOU LOVE ME LIKE MY FATHER NEVER DID??"

      Delete
  2. The moment I see a website pull any of the shit you listed, it goes on my blacklist. Not data will go to or from that website and any mention to it will be blocked out by default. Because that's what I do, I keep the web clean.
    Well, the web... MY web, but it's a clean web for sure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A firm amen to that. This computer is armored like Fort Knox, but that doesn't mean I'm going to start looking for e-trouble just because I can.

      "Well, I've got this condom on, I guess I can just wade through this sea of drug addicted prostitutes and I'll be fiiiiiiine."

      Delete
  3. Don't forget to do a tired "Top Ten Reasons...." list every other damn day. I did a post of 6 People Who Could Write Buzzfeed Lists While In a Coma, and coming in at number one is a cat who walks across a keyboard. That is the e-version of reality TV. I hate that America loves that shit. And they buy those damn diet pills w/the Before and After photos. There should be a separate America for those people. This is why every country hates us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you telling me that it's easy to be a Buzzfeed writer? Because I think we all know that to work at a place like Buzzfeed, you have to be a journalist of the utmost intelligence and diligence with a graduate level vocabulary. I mean, how else could someone craft such award winning articles as, "27 Reasons Deep Dish Pizza Is Better Than All Other Pizzas"?

      Delete
  4. I did once find myself lost in a world of Buzzfeed but to be fair it was Buzzfeed animals, so there were a ton of cute cats. They are worth individual slides. Generally I don't bother clicking on clickbait things. I've learned how to not do it. But I do still get taken in by a quiz or two. They generally don't have slideshows. Websites that have full page ads, hidden ads, and worst of all autoplaying video ads, make me wonder how people can be surprised that people rely on adblockers. There's three good reasons right there, and they're more common than you think.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, thank you for reminding us about those awful quizzes. I love that someone can actually spend their time filling out something like, "What kind of bacon sandwich are you?"

      Delete
    2. And in case you're wondering, I'm totally a BLT. Man, Buzzfeed fucking nailed it AGAIN!

      Delete
  5. I don't know what my hits and page views are either, I also don't do sponsor stuff. Basically because I'm lazy. I'm so glad you decided to change the site up. How was I suppose to know what to buy without your full page ads?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It just scares me that ads actually work. I mean, logic says that they wouldn't constantly have full page boner pill ads if they didn't work, so... who the fuck is clicking on these things, and why did they have to ruin it for the rest of us?

      Delete
  6. Wiki Answers did something similar with their site. They've turned a simple question and answer site into a slideshow. It usually goes like this:

    1) Question: "Is it true that if the quadrolateralcy is corrupted by the Mariatic plane that the continuum of space and time will be equal to pi?"
    2) Next Slide: Boner Pill Ad
    3) Next Slide: Weight Loss Supplements Ad
    4) Answer: "No."

    This stuff drives me nuts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I've noticed this too, and it absolutely kills me when the answer is a full sentence, because after the "sponsored slides" the answer will be presented like this.

      Slide 1: The quadrolateralcy is
      Slide 2: sometimes found to be
      Slide 3: corrupted in certain instances
      Slide 4: so ultimately
      Slide 5: yes.

      Delete
  7. But Buzzfeed is how I know I am a pizza master. And Grace Kelly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's also how I know which Power Ranger I am, thanks to carefully calculated algorithms and rich, involving personal questions.

      Delete
  8. What, you can only make a few bucks a year? Damn, I'm going to do something more lucrative and just show porn everyday, then I'll make double what you will and get lots of comments about the size of things too. Wait! The cat is snip snip, damn 30 second ads it is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If our families didn't visit this site on a regular basis, we'd turn this into a cash cow of a porn site in a heartbeat. Or maybe we still will. Sorry, mom. The almighty dollar doth call to us.

      Delete
  9. While I hate their style, those kind of places seem to get what they want. Which also isn't pride and respect.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I ever want to know which of my friends is the dumbest, I just count who of them has shared the most Buzzfeed articles and quizzes on Facebook.

      Delete
    2. For the record... I don't have a 'Facebook' account, and I don't even know what 'Buzzfeed' IS!!!

      Does that automatically make me the smartest of your friends? Or do I need to slip you a "Jackson" as well?

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    3. I wouldn't say this in many cases, but when it comes to Buzzfeed, ignorance truly is bliss.

      Also, I'm a poor writer, what's a Jackson? I only know this Washington guy...

      Delete
  10. Because I'm a strong person, I never do quizzes unless they're about Tom Hiddleston. I just need to doublecheck that I'm maintaining my Hiddlestoner status rating of "stalker."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As a big fan of Benedict Cumberbatch and Sherlock, I'm more of a Cumberbitch myself.

      Delete
    2. OMG you guys, are Hiddlestoner and Cumberbitch really THINGS or did you clever people just make them up?? And why can't my celebrity crushes have awesomely horrible fan titles? Tennant...Tenncunt? No, that's just offensive. I suck at this. :(

      Delete
    3. While I wish I could say I made it up, these are both real things, Hiddlerstoners and Cumberbitches. I've got nothing good for David Tennant. My mother's sister is a Tenn-Aunt? No, no, God, I'm awful at this.

      Delete
  11. I had actually never been to Buzzfeed until I read this post (seriously). But "28 Plants that Forgot How to Plant" and "17 Words That Mean Something Totally Different When Spelled Backwards" sound like compelling pieces.

    By the way, the shots of the two of you trying to turn off the clip ad with a broom made me laugh. It was definitely worth the $49.99 I'm paying you in subscription fees for the year to read this site.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope that $49.99 subscription was also worth the 10 IQ points you lost by learning about and subsequently visiting Buzzfeed.

      If you haven't yet, check out a quiz or two. I just completed "How Much Of A Basic Bitch Are You?" and dayum, I am such a basic ass bitch.

      Delete
  12. Hi, figured it was time I started reading your posts - see you around everywhere. Enjoyed it. I actually believed you at first. I loved the guy falling off the ladder trying to turn off the clip art too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seeing as how we like people like yourself coming around here, no, we won't actually be making these changes. And if you see us everywhere, that means we're doing a really lousy job as ninjas in training.

      Delete
    2. Oops, I'm sorry. Didn't know you were students of Alex's.

      Delete
  13. One of your best, BEER BOYS!
    That "Before" and "After" ad is a total, instant CLASSIC.

    And this couldn't have come at a better time because over the last few nights I have found myself addicted to a new (for me) website. At work, I spend every other hour at the desk, and it's a "graveyard" shift so it's quiet and there's not much to see on the Security cameras. So I mostly read political websites that I like.

    Well, the other night I must have seen a link on one of my usual sites that caught my attention for some reason. I clicked on it and it took me to a website called 'RANKED'. It's a collection of lists of every imaginable (and unimaginable) thing (and I'm something of a 'Lists' freak to begin with). Furthermore, you can alter the lists by voting items Up or Down. The damned website is more addictive than Heroin and Cocaine COMBINED!

    I've got my co-worker hooked too, which is kind of a good thing. He used to spend all night scrolling through '9Gag' until I got so sick and tired of those images. Well, for the last 2.5 nights all we've done is explore 'RANKED'. He's completely forgotten about '9Gag' (thank God!) He even set us up with an account so we can add items to the lists. (Last night, on the 'Conspiracy Theories You Actually Believe' list I added the sadly missing conspiracy theories "Sandy Hook Shooting Hoax" and "Boston Marathon Bombing Hoax". What a bunch of pikers! They couldn't come up with those two without MY help?)

    Anyway, great blog bit, Beer Brothers!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, I'm Bryan, and I'm a recovering 9gagger. Well, I guess it's easy to recover since 95% of the content is absolute shit now.

      I value my working time and my productivity, so I think I'm going to never find out what Ranked is. Since that sounds like the exact kind of void that would suck up my time like a black hole.

      Delete
    2. 6-B ~
      Let me further illustrate just exactly HOW friggin' addictive 'RANKED' is...

      At one point last night I realized that my co-worker and I had SIX INTERNET WINDOWS open at once, and ALL SIX of them were at 'RANKED'!

      The company does block our computers from accessing certain Internet Websites (such as 'YouTube'). At about 4 AM this morning, I told my co-worker that the very next time I see our Department Supervisor, I'm going to ask him to go to the I.T. Department and request that they block 'RANKED' from our computer.

      THAT'S how ADDICTIVE this website is!

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    3. If you ever want to see me release another book, you'll stop trying to entice me into visiting this website like that, dammit!

      Delete
  14. The only good spam is the one with pickle between two slices of bread!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know if I'd call that "good"... but it's better. Or maybe some Hawaiian spam sushi?

      Delete
  15. You know, you might have actually managed to turn off the ad at the top of the page if you'd just taken the broom up the ladder with you...you know, in case you wanted to avoid massive head trauma in the future.

    Also, I was relieved when it was confirmed that you good sirs were in fact joking about all these changes. America has enough media outlets that pander to the lowest common denominator of the human race. It's getting pretty old, I must say. I've been sucked into those BuzzFeed lists a couple of times, and it's never worth it! I think there needs to be a separate Internet for this junk, (we can call it "The Internet Lite") so that those of us who don't wish to slog through all the ads and slide shows can enjoy our goofy cat cartoons in peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you should know by now that we're not good with sharing. This is why that broken neck was pretty much unavoidable. But it's cool, because with all of the ad revenue we've made from this post and my shiny new Obamacare, my hospital stay, physical therapy, and longterm treatment is practically paying for itself.

      And for us, "Internet Lite" is a bit of a blessing. I mean, even if we post things like freegans eating bloody condoms and cat-piss soaked apartments we will still never be the seedy, disgusting backalley of the Internet. And we take some comfort in knowing that.

      Delete
  16. Well, I'm stunned. . . selling out for click-clicks. However, you can save that income for one of those trips you said you couldn't take. Good luck and don't hold your breath for the money to come in. These are the ads that used to be at the back of the magazine in ye olde print days. They just substitute the latest fitness model. . .and those ads are some of the worst. You can burn off almost anything with toxic pills.

    I am not a latent clicker. I like a well organized site that doesn't send me hither and dither. . .I must be a minority, but I can live with that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wait, you mean I'm not going to be a millionaire just by slathering my blog in ads? Not even a thousandaire? Don't be crazy; the Internet is just made of money!

      We must be in the minority too, because not only have I never once clicked on an ad, but if I see a page that's covered in ads, I instantly X out.

      Delete
  17. Every now and again I will find myself sucked into one of those dumb sites you mentioned that requires you click through a slide show. I did that one time. Now, when I see that is the agony that I am in for, I just click right back out.

    I think I took a quiz all of one time on Facebook. Now I can't even remember which one. Ha! But I do have some friends that will take five or six a day. Surprisingly some of them (the friends, that is) are normally very smart people. Apparently they are just suckers for those darn quizzes.

    I read StMc's comment about Ranked. Now I know another site to avoid. Social media is already a rabbit hole that I fall into daily.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I try to stay away from these sites, and even so, I bet if I took all of the time that I spent on them and added them up I'd cry at how much of my life was wasted. I can't imagine what that number would be for those poor kids who spend hours per day browsing these sites until their retinas burn out.

      Delete
  18. I was lucky enough to realize the evils of buzzfeed before I came into direct contact with it. Now, I occasionally cave with Upworthy, but I think that's purely because I hate surfing youtube for good stuff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Upworthy (and sites like Upworthy) are a double edged sword, because sometimes they'll have some decent youtube videos, but I hate their clickbait titles and I absolutely hate that some of them start off by blocking the page until you answer something inane like, "Do you agree that violence against women should be stopped once and for all?" No, Upworthy, I think women should be beaten daily. Now show me the video I came for and shut the fuck up.

      Delete
  19. I agree with Stephen - excellent sponsored slide. It makes me want to do Fat Burner (not really, just the after guy) for twelve weeks straight.

    I was just dealing with one of those annoying sponsored ads today. Those damn things are covering more of the screen, so I can't read what I want to read, and they're making it harder to find ways to close the damn thing and get on with my life. I hate it all, so I love this post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hate the sites where you try to leave and it stops and says, "How about watching one of these related videos before you go?" It's pathetic. It's like the ex that just got dumped that's begging you, "What if we just have sex one more time, for old time's sake, just to see what happens?" as if that'll rope me back in. No, website, I'm leaving, and because of your piteous question I'm never coming back. You can keep the drill and the ratchet set, and I'll send your blow dryer back in the mail.

      Delete
  20. I visit you guys more than I accidentally click on buzzfeed stories. When I do find myself on the receiving end of their clickbait, I turn off the pc and go outside for a few hours. There's positive out of negative, everytime.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think everyone's read a clickbait article so bad that they just had to step outside and spend some time reevaluating their life choices.

      Delete
  21. Don't forget to make us do quizzes in the middle of your post. Around page 208, we have to enter the answer to "Which Greek God/Goddess Avenger Past Animal X-Men are you?" in order to read the rest. Nothing will scream success better than a million page views and no book sales . . . hahahaha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it's much more important that we know which Spice Girl you are than to ever sell another book. And in case you're wondering, you're Scary Spice. Your Internet browser history told us that... among other things.

      Delete
  22. Then there are those links that promise to "challenge" or "forever change" my perceptions of beauty, sexuality, dogs, hotdogs, etc. They never have. And I really hate that picture of the lady peeling her face off. It gives me the heebie jeebies. Good luck hoarding those clicks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know how that lady ripping her flesh off would ever make people want to click it.

      And if an Upworthy video ever says something like, "This Video Will Forever Change Your Perception of Beauty" then I already know it's just going to be a video of a fat woman justifying her obesity and that it's not worth my time nor will it change my perception of morbid obesity.

      Delete
  23. I for one would love it if you did this. Who doesn't like clicking 50 times before they get to the subject of a post? It's so much more interesting than just scrolling down.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, we're saving mouse scrolling wheels everywhere. People should be thanking us! Plus, who doesn't love a joke with some suspense in it? We're gonna make you EARN that punchline.

      Delete
  24. IT's like those phone calls I was talking about today.
    I saw a breakdown once about how money is generated by that stuff, which is why those things are so pervasive.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My brother-in-law is a millionaire thanks to spam. If those stupid boner pills and before/after things didn't work, he wouldn't be driving Lambos. With an 's'. Yeah, it's awful. And no, I've never taken a dime from him.

      Delete
  25. I hate coming to pages where you have to click a bazillion times to see the content. The only way I'd stay at a site like that, would be if I was completely inebriated.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And yet if I was completely inebriated I feel like I'd miss all of the buttons and end up lost. Lost on the Internet, in some seedy Internet back alley.

      Delete
  26. I really hate those things. And I see I'm not alone. Y'all rock!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We actually like our readers, you included, so you'll be happy to know that this is one of the few sites where YOU actually come first. Ads and extra pageviews be damned!

      Delete
  27. Ha! What about those awful super long lists that aren't funny and don't have gifs to go along with em? (I can appreciate a solid gif filled post for sure.) Like "87 Things You Think When You Are About to Pet a Cat!"
    1. OMG! Kitty!!
    2. Will she like me?
    3. I hope that meow means its petting time!
    4. Kitty! Time to come here and get petted!
    etc etc

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, especially when it's something that's trying to be relevant but just ends up being idiotically obvious, like "27 Things That Only An Introvert Will Understand!"
      1. When you don't want to be at a loud house party!
      2. When people invite you out and you tell them you don't want to go out!
      3. When your teachers calls on you and you don't want to answer!

      "WOW, IT'S LIKE THEY'RE INSIDE MY BRAIN THIS IS SO EDGY AND RELEVANT!"

      Delete
  28. Hells bells, I need to get my blog up-to-date.

    ReplyDelete
  29. It was about time someone fucking said it. Amen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, we're totally willing to sell out, but it's going to take more than a few extra pageviews and $9 in ad revenue before we completely fuck over our loyal readers.

      Delete
  30. I love this so much . . . SO much that I'm going to have to share it with my friends and tell them the entire post moved me to tears. To tears. And I may have to tell them there are some secret shocking photos of you guys that you don't want the world to see, but I'm pretty sure the tears alone will entice them. Be ready with some shocking photos just in case, okay? I don't want to let my friends down.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We have a photo of Bryan with a mullet and Brandon with Harry Potter glasses and a rape whistle, ready to go. You know, if it comes to that.

      Delete
  31. With all the scrolling so that I could comment, I knew that you would find ways to make it even better! I can't wait for my face to be melted with cat cuteness! I can't wait to earn you three cents when I get super muscular and change races!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't forget all of that stubborn belly fat you're going to lose, all of those free iPads you're going to win, and all of those local singles in your area who want to have sex with YOU!

      Delete
  32. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good God, we scared you so bad we sent you straight off the page and into the vast blackness of the Internet. Cooooooooome baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

      Awww crap we're lost now too.

      Delete
  33. ...ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

    Please don't. Keep your e-cock in your pants and let Jesus spam someone else. Okay? Okay. K? ~pleading eyes~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But it's a well known fact that the first thing a woman notices when a man walks into the room is his e-cock. The second thing is his pageviews. These things matter.

      Delete
  34. Hey, thanks for all the great ideas to add to my blog. This student debt isn't going to pay itself off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks to all of these new changes, I've already paid off 37 cents of my crippling $40,000 student loan! The system works!

      Delete
  35. Just because I haven't been around lately to add to your page visits there is no need to get all pouty and change things around you know.

    Those multiple pages things freeze up my ipad, which is never a good situation so I am very happy you guys are only kidding..I hope

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should have thought about that before you so recklessly withheld one pageview from us last week. That single pageview is the exact reason why this change has happened, and in the future we'll direct any hate mail to you. I'm sure you understand.

      Delete
  36. I did a website design course when I was at college. Website design 101 stated that a well designed site will get a user to the page they require in three clicks or less. Buzzfeed violates that design principle in every possible way. Not to mention that the content is always shit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And here we are, displaying everything on the front page like suckers, no need for a single click. We have 3 more valid clicks before people hate us. We need to use that!

      Nah, just kidding. I even hate having to read a blog where you get the first paragraph only and then it makes you click "READ MORE." What am I, made of clicks?

      Delete
  37. I'm still so far behind the curve on this stuff, most of your references passed me by. Nor do I plan to get up to speed very soon. My facebook page has the internet equivalent of dust on it, I do not "tweet" (what Real Man would?) or follow any (never been to Twitter), heck, I still resist texting!

    I do not object to people who try to earn money from their sites, but when it gets to the point that I notice it (i.e., it slows me down), I usually move on.

    Many bloggers seem to cover followers like people cover Facebook friends-the more the better, but I've always felt that readers are better, and there is a difference.

    My blog has just south of 100 followers (pedestrian to many of the bloggers here, but I don't really go out and try to attract them), but it's the same five or six people who leave comments.

    People read it and do not comment (I do sometimes get a lot of hits), but it's the comments I am interested in.

    "Impasta!" I'm dyin' over here!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, all of the things we mentioned above are the new "it" thing on the web, and "it" fucking sucks

      It's true, random traffic can only take you so far. And that's coming from guys who actually use this site to sell their books. When we get a huge spike in Google searches and our traffic triples for the day, hey, guess what, book sales don't triple. They don't even double. Most of that traffic is just empty calories.

      The people who come around this comment section, who are most all regulars (as I'm sure you've noticed), are good people. You won't see a lot of "LOL nice post!"s on this page because we've weeded them out. They're empty calories.

      As with beer, women, and even blogging, quality > quantity.

      Delete
  38. I will say this- if I put anything about sex in my blog title, my hits go up three fold. People are such pervs, myself included (just trying the honesty thing). So, now that I have admitted to being a ratings tramp, I will go add some of those nifty little items you speak of. Or maybe not. They may be technically over my head. I've just recently accomplished adding links, much less the other fancy annoying stuff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have to respond to this post...My numero uno most read post is titled "Helen Mirren Poses Nude at 65". It drives me crazy. I don't even show her nude. It's about having the guts to bare her bod in her sixties. The search words are always things like "nude @ 65", "old lady nudes", "Nude", etc. I'd remove it but it's the only way to get consistent traffic to my blog!

      Delete
    2. Not sure if you remember our post from a long time ago called The Neighbor Child Wears Booty Shorts. It's about my 12 year old neighbor always being out in the front yard in booty shorts and how I think it's just awful and how I don't want to see it. Well, imagine my surprise when we start getting a slew of traffic for bullshit like "12 year old in booty shorts pictures" and "12 year old only wearing booty shorts" and "pics of 12 year old with booty shorts up in they ass" (the black version, let's not kid ourselves). It was pretty disgusting to see all those come in, but eventually they disappeared. Our only solace was knowing that these pedos found a page where people were actually scorning them, and for a while we had a great big middle finger to them at the head of that post. Nothing classy, just a literal middle finger.

      Delete
  39. gawd, I clicked through, just to see if it would keep going. It did. You guys are the devil incarnate... or something like that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the idiocy that is Buzzfeed has proved that we could be roughly about 1,000x worse than even just this single post.

      Delete
  40. I hate, hate, HATE all of that shit. Whoever invented it should be hung on a telephone wire by their toenails while the rest of us get to line up and throw spitwads.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Spitwads? I'd rather throw tomatoes. Or darts. Make it count.

      Delete
  41. The internet is becoming the equivalent of those guys on the corner shoving flyers in your face

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you mean the ones in Las Vegas where they're just nudie ads for cheap hookers, then especially yes.

      Delete
  42. This is my favourite post that's ever been written!!! xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT THESE TWO IDIOTS REPLIED. BY THE SECOND SENTENCE YOU'LL BE ANGRY. BY THE THIRD SENTENCE YOU'LL BE IMMENSELY DISAPPOINTED.

      Delete
  43. The arms race between marketers and adblock rages on. Whoever believes things can't get any more intrusive than a colonoscopy clearly hasn't tried the Internet.

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    1. You know why I love Adblock? Not just because it rids me of those awful ads, but because it saves me the awkwardness of doing something like googling "why is my car leaking oil?" only to jump on Facebook an hour later and see a front and center page ad for 'BUY NEW GASKET SEALS NOW, SUPER CHEAP!"

      Delete
  44. I'll still read it! See how much of a life I don't have?
    The whole white fat thing to black muscle thing in 12 weeks? I'm in but can I only be black from the waist down?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you wanted a bigger dick, all you had to do was ask. We have ads for those too. ADD SIX INCHES IN JUST THREE DAYS WITH MIRACLE BONUR. TOTALLY WORKS AND NOT A SCAM, $19.99 PLUS SHIPPING.

      Delete
  45. I'm so glad you're kidding. I've actually stopped going to blogs that did any number of those things. Ugh, it's so annoying.

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    Replies
    1. Amen. Any blog that has more ads than content obviously doesn't care about my readership to begin with.

      Delete
  46. I think you said it all with the age defying solution. It is kind of gross:)

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    Replies
    1. I just want to know why doctors would be "mad" at this woman for taking care of her body. Doesn't that kind of defeat the point of being a doctor?

      Delete
  47. It's definitely worth it for all of the "dozens of dollars" you'll be raking in! The before and after Fat Burner models were hysterical, as was the rest of this parody on Internet ads! I know I've said this before, but you should have your own cartoon on TV. This would also make a great SNL Digital Short. One of your best from 2014!

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. We'd work for SNL in a heartbeat if they weren't too busy hiring deadbeats to make lame, unfunny skits!

      Delete
  48. It took me like TWO MINUTES to get "impasta."

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  49. You had me at e-cock.
    Robyn at Life By Chocolate told me to check you out. So glad I did. Nut jobs. Both of you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That may be the nicest thing a woman's ever called us. No, really. Just ask our wives. Especially after post day.

      Delete
  50. Yeah, I definitely hate the pages after pages of clicking just to get the whole story. Then the ads... I've been dying to know what "Ellen lied about for years"... not enough to click on it, of course.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, I can answer that. Ellen lied about being a funny comedian. I don't know how she swindled the American people for so long, but she did. That shyster.

      Delete
  51. Great post, fellas. Especially since I need to beef up and save my marriage. Where would I be without the two of you?

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    Replies
    1. Probably in a ditch somewhere, dead of a heroin overdose. I assume we have that much of an effect on your real life, anyhow.

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    2. You assumed right. My REAL life.... you mean work?

      Delete
  52. Oh yeah, count me in for those click her, click there sites. I did just that about two weeks ago and unloaded or should I say inadvertently downloaded a sh*t storm of carp. so much carp that my poor computer had to visit the computer hospital to be cleaned out. Well, from now on this dumb blonde is downloading nothing - NOTHING. I also ain't clicking my nose anywhere, where it don't belong, no mo' either. so take your enticing ads, administrative fu*k ups, oh I mean fix-ups, and put them where the sun don't shine.

    All those *** just go to prove how upset I am over this type of thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, no need to censor yourself here. Say it with us...

      FUUUUUCCCCKKK YOOOOUUUU CLICKBAIT SITES

      You actually brought up a great point that we didn't even mention, how most of those sites are full of spyware and other garbage on top of the verbal garbage you're reading. Truly the back alley prostitute of the Internet.

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  53. Amen! I have no Facebook page. I don't know wtf Buzzfeed is and I'm blissfully happy in that ignorance. The only online quiz I've ever taken was which Colossal Death Robot I was.

    I was Gigantor. Thanks for asking.

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  54. I am fully on board with these changes! And Fat Burner 300 sounds amazing, I'll definitely be clicking on that one. Although I might wait until you do a sponsored post titled: "You'll never believe your eyes when you see the amazing things Fat Burner 3000 did to us!!!!"

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  55. I hate the whole waiting thirty seconds before what I clicked on actually starts. Like I care about lavender scented Snuggle..well, that bear is pretty damn cute.

    I started watching this great show on comedy central called @midnight - it's hilarious and it's all the trending stuff that's going on on this here internets. You young whipper snappers are so funny with your tinder and imgur.

    ReplyDelete