Monday, July 7, 2014

This Is the Post Where We Offend You

Today we aim to offend you.

You see, we live in a world of political correctness, and we recently realized that we aren't politically correct in the slightest. No, we have views and opinions that are extremely offensive to women, minorities, the handicapped, and the morbidly obese, and we can't hide these from the world anymore. No, we have to come clean and share them with you all today.

So please, prepare to be deeply offended.

First and foremost, we are unabashed fat shamers. At 30 years old, we're both in the best shape of our lives, thanks to working out and eating well. And we're not afraid to post pictures of our fully clothed bodies on social media, in which there is no hiding our slightly athletic leanness.



So, are you not seething deep, offended rage yet? Well, what if we told you that sometimes when Brandon buys toys for small children, he doesn't always get them gender-neutral options?





If there's a slight chance that you aren't angrily offended by this, don't worry, we're only getting warmed up. What if we told you that Bryan, as a straight guy, doesn't care for the sight of two men kissing?



Now you must surely be rattling with aching, offensive anger. We don't blame you. But we still have so much more to go. Like, what if we told you that Brandon doesn't always use gender specific language when referring to job titles?



Did you see that? He didn't call her the mailwoman. Or the mailperson. No, he called her THE MAILMAN with absolutely zero regard for her chosen gender.

We're sure you're just vomiting with rage right now, but in case we haven't pushed you over the edge yet, we should inform you that Bryan doesn't call his wife his "life partner" or his "companion." No, he calls her his wife, explicitly implying both gender AND ownership.





Not only that, but when he married her, she took his last name, thereby losing her complete identity as a woman and becoming nothing more than his female slave.

But Brandon? Oh, Brandon is much worse. In his wild single days, Brandon was known to compliment women on their looks... and not simultaneously on other equally important qualities such as intelligence or social worth.




Lastly, Bryan has a friend who's black (that's not the offensive part... unless you're from the deep South). On his friend's birthday recently, Bryan cooked his friend some fried chicken and corn bread and served him some watermelon with a side of grape soda... like a racist asshole. Yes, his friend loves all of those foods dearly and those are exactly what he wanted to eat and drink, but Bryan was so culturally insensitive that he served a black man racially stereotypical foods and didn't even bat an eye.


So there you have it, folks. We're just a pair of non-gender-neutral, racist, fat shaming assholes that believe in owning women like property and not wanting to watch fat guys kiss. We have no doubt that because of the nature of this post our readership will almost instantly plummet down to zero, but if by some slim, minute chance any of you are still hanging around, we assume it's because you're an insensitive jerk like us.

In which case, please tell us in the comments - what kind of wildly offensive things are you guilty of?

Cheers and stay politically insensitive, friends,
B&B

Music: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Beer: Upslope Craft Lager



132 comments:

  1. That was hysterical. Guilty! And not afraid to show my almost fifty year old and the best shape of my life body either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I'll offend myself by saying this white man has no dancing rhythm. No wait, that's just the truth...

      Delete
    2. So you're an awkward ageist? How dare you make young people feel bad about their fat, spherical bodies. And having no rhythm is one thing, but not being afraid to use it in public is when it gets truly offensive...

      Delete
  2. I was so shocked by this post that I automatically sent links of this Blog to Scotland Yard, Interpol, and The Pentagon without even thinking about it. I have been violently sick at least 17 times in the past 3 seconds, and I'm currently writing a protest song which I intend to play outside your homes at 3AM while wearing an Anonymous mask.

    You sick bastards!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! The joke's on you! We both grew up with folk rock, so we like protest songs. You bring the ukelele, we'll bring the unity drum.

      Delete
  3. Ew sleeveless shirt? I am offended. We live in a society based on sleeves. Sleeveless shirts are anarchy. Get some sleeves, ya' anti-sleeve hippie!
    If you really wanted to offend me, you would have called your wife your "lover". Gross, that offended me just to write.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But it's only my body that's cold, Pickleope. How can I cover up my arms when they'll just get too hot?

      And to call my wife my lover implies a relationship of a sexual nature, and I think we all know that married people don't have sex.

      Delete
    2. Oh god do I hate the term lover/lovemaking. And moist. Don't say moist.

      *gags a little*

      Delete
    3. Sounds like someone needs some moist lovemaking from her lovah.

      Ugh, even *I* cringed typing that. Sorry.

      Delete
    4. OMG or when a husband and wife call each other "mommy" and "daddy." NOT EVEN IF YOU HAVE KIDS. It's still creepy as hell.

      Delete
  4. Guilty on all accounts. I already knew I was a sick bastard though. One of my favorite "games" is to people watch and make fun of all the people in public wearing PJ's.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, so I see you like to play "The Walmart Game" too?

      Delete
  5. Dudes, fucking please. That triggered me on so many levels! Put a trigger warning on there next time, you cis scum.

    Worst part is, you're definitely right. There's way too many people out there being a vocal minority and bitching about, well, anything they can find. And in doing so, they're taking down everything they fight for with them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As two guys who post pictures of our fully clothed bodies and aren't afraid to buy G.I. Joes for little boys, I think you knew we wouldn't be posting any trigger warnings, either. We're like the rebels of the Internet. The James Dean(s) of 2014, if you will.

      You know what amuses me? The thought of people raising a generation of children who are so sheltered with their words and their thoughts and their actions that when someone truly fucked up comes along, it just shatters their world because they've been given no way to prepare for or handle this kind of stuff.

      Delete
  6. I didn't even know giving non-gender specific toys to children was a thing. Discovering that I am an insensitive monster was not on my agenda today. I'll have to fit the guilt in somewhere on my schedule.

    But a wildly offensive thing I'm guilty of is calling disabled people assholes, if they are so deserving. I get it that they have a right to be mad, but I didn't make them disabled, so I'd rather them not take their rage out on me. Also, I think calling disabled people "disabled" is a politically incorrect thing now, too. So I'm guilty of that as well.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yeah, now you're supposed to call them super-gifted-handi-abled, or whatever other term makes it sound like they have a superpower and not a crippling disability.

      I used to have a neighbor who was 350 lbs, and she had a handicapped parking badge on her car. Her handicap was that she was obese. And she'd used that handicapped parking badge to drive herself to McDonalds and back, and then waddle inside her house with 2 bags of food. I kid you not.

      Somehow I don't think she was quite super-gifted-handi-abled.

      Delete
  7. It takes some balls for women to become mail deliverers.

    Though if you think about there are lot more mailwomen than women working for UPS/Fedex

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I guess that's true. I don't think I've ever seen a female UPS/Fedex delivery driver. I wonder why that is. (Insert tasteless women can't drive joke here?)

      Delete
    2. I've seen them, but I think all of them were in Portland, Oregon, whose statistics are hardly reflective of the rest of America given that they are a hippie oasis of food trucks and free love.

      Delete
  8. You must be from Colorado Springs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ewww, Colorado Springs and Focus on the Family is more offensive than any of this other PC shit combined.

      Delete
  9. You call that offensive? Amateurs. You're pussies in the sight of the Lord.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Next time I go to Catholic confession I'm going to tell the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I am a pussy. A huge pussy."

      Delete
  10. I think the worst part of this is some people WOULD be offended. As a fat person myself I hate people who say others are fat shaming. Especially if they're just proud of their achievements. When I lose weight, and trust me I will, my half naked body will be on the internet more than Lindsay Lohan's.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Whoa, is it getting hot in here, or is it just Mark's beefy bod?

      As a guy who's in shape and has spent the past 12 years busting his balls to be in shape, it just kills me when I see an athletic person post a picture of themselves and the only thing that people can say is he's probably a giant douchebag. I didn't realize taking care of your body meant that you're automatically a repulsive asshole.

      Delete
  11. Last week, I invaded Poland in order to make room for the master race.

    Does that count?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. By master race I assume you mean the Chinese, since they now make up almost a quarter of the world's population?

      I for one look forward to our smart, efficient Chinese overlords. And the mass produced electronics they will invariably bring with them.

      Delete
  12. LMAO so insensitive at your sea. How dare thee hahaha I agreed with all of the above, so I guess that is why I get hate mail saying I offended people haha

    But what about giving awards to kids for 100th place? I'd give the lazy, no talent turds nothing. Oops! I don't care if its Bow Down To One of The 2000 God Days and just treat it as any other day. Oops! When I ask if a woman has a boyfriend or guy has a girlfriend I say boy or girl and not partner. Oops! Damn, I'm going to Hell.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You get hate mail? Man, I wish we got hate mail. For all the shit we say we get a few sporadic angry comments, but we have yet to get a really good piece of hate-mail.

      Ooh, and yes, all hail the participation ribbon! We need to reward our children's failures so they don't ever have to know what it feels like to lose.

      Delete
  13. I call retarded people retarded. I have a retarded cousin and I'm not afraid to say it.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That kind of insensitivity is just plain retarded.

      Delete
  14. I'm guilty of them all! We're even worse than the older lady who took twenty minutes trying to get into her wallet to pay for her meal, ate in my restaurant last week and told me, "Y'all must be expecting some fat people to eat here with the booths being so far from the table".

    Oh dammit. Age shaming too! I think I might be worse than you two now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Old people shouldn't drive once their mind starts to rot and they confuse their end table lamp for their grandchild and young kids listen to music that's pure garbage. There, we out-age-shamed you.

      Delete
  15. Love, love, love this!! Back when I was working in the corporate world, I was asked to "correct" a guy in our office because he told a woman she looked nice that day. She was offended, because he literally said you look nice- today. What about yesterday? He must have commented that I look nice today- because (get this) I am wearing a dress- Surely he only complimented me because he is the worst male chauvinist pig that ever lived. I wanted to bitch slap that chick so hard, but instead, I had to "correct" the poor dude, who was only trying to be freaking nice. RIDICULOUS!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I bet that chauvinist prick also opens doors for people, half of those people being women. What a sexist asshole. Any man with half a brain knows that acknowledging a woman's existence is the dirty gateway to sexualizing her with his hurtful, hurtful words, like "you look nice today" or "I like your perfume."

      Delete
  16. I find if I hate a nation it covers a lot of ground!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just hate the entire world. Anyone, everyone, and everything in between... I hate it all. Makes it easier to avoid that whole discrimination thing.

      Delete
  17. I'm not very politically or socially correct when it comes to other drivers and their bad driving skills. . .but I keep it all in the car. Only I or the occupants of my car hear anything. (slight protection since I once told a guy to learn how to drive, and he wanted to fight my hubs?? He had a pit bull in the back of his car) No we didn't pull over at his invitation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, I've had guys want to fight me before, usually over THEM driving like idiots. My favorite was the time I told the guy, "Yeah, let's get out and do this!" and as soon as he got out of his car and walked over to the sidewalk to start the fight, I just slowly drove off laughing. He looked so confused. What a moron.

      Delete
  18. >>... "with absolutely zero regard for her chosen gender."

    I loved that!
    When I was a teenager, the word "chosen" was NEVER seen immediately preceding the word "gender". WTF happened to this country in just a few decades?!?!?!

    I don't know why you Beer Boys can't "plays well with others". I mean, hell, I have a political blog and yet I NEVER say anything politically incorrect (before I wake up and have a cup o' joe).

    6-B ~
    Speaking of "WTF"... WTF?! Nuttin'? Not even one G, J, C, JC, or C'nity? Whoda thunk it? Not us!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I've decided to not have a gender now, so you have to call me "they." It's like, PC law or something. If you call me he or she the PC police will come take you away.

      Oh, and I'm just as surprised as you are. But isn't that what makes the game so fun?

      Delete
  19. I don't know where to begin, I'm so offended. I'm offended that it's taken you this long to do this piece. Political correctness offends me greatly. GREATLY. Why do we have to be so careful not to offend? I'm serious here. By catering to every special population, with the words they've chosen to identify themselves - allowed to be spoken by others about them - puts the power in the hands of the wrong people. What happened to freedom of speech?

    Don't get me started on a trophy for every kid. Though I do nominate penmanship as the most offensive words you've spoken ;-)

    For my birthday dinner I'd like a rib-eye, medium rare, baked potato, all the fixings and it better be real bacon, and an iceberg wedge salad, that also better have bacon on it. And a Fat Tire, or four.

    Please continue to offend,
    Tina @ Life is Good
    On the Open Road! @ Join us for the 4th Annual Post-Challenge Road Trip!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your comment was good but it could have been just a little better so I'm giving you a participation trophy for effort. ;)

      Also, you are 100% right. Salad is only acceptable in a meal if it has bacon on it. As the great Ron Swanson once said about salad, "This is the food my food eats."

      Oh, and make that an even sixer of Fat Tire, will you? No sense in leaving those 2 poor, lonely beers all by themselves in the fridge.

      Delete
    2. I got a trophy! I must be the best commenter you have! I mean, they don't give trophies to just anyone...oh wait, that's the fucking problem.
      I think I'd better make that the whole six pack then to console myself.
      I'll work on my commenting...I will win a REAL trophy. Some day. A girl can dream...
      Tina @ Life is Good
      On the Open Road! @ Join us for the 4th Annual Post-Challenge Road Trip!

      Delete
    3. Your commenting is actually first class, and if we DID award trophies for commenting, you'd be at the top of our list for a recipient. But wouldn't you rather just have that sixer of Fat Tire instead?

      Delete
  20. You two are SICK. I bet you only wrote this because all bloggers are concerned with is one upmanship on each... damn it. One personship.

    I'll join the back of the queue.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, we couldn't help it. We're easily manipulated by the masses. Uh, I mean personipulated. God, I suck at this. :(

      Delete
    2. Haha. It's okay, in fact, it's personditory.

      Delete
    3. What a strange phenopersonon this whole politically correct thing is.

      Delete
  21. I thought this was hilarious. I guess that makes me an insensitive jerk.

    I also hate the words Politically Correct.

    I was at a bar singing karaoke a few weeks ago when a couple in the corner started dancing. That dancing quickly turned into a man with octopus hands looking like he was trying to hump her from the front. And she was really drunk and swaying around with her eyes closed and rubbing him all over, too. Frankly, I found that as appealing as two guys using their tongues like hockey sticks searching for the puck. Whatevs. I really just wished they would go get a room. I mean if you are going to sex someone up in public, it should look hot. Sultry. Seductive. Not two animals who aren't sure what they are doing or where things go. It was just depressing.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh believe me, I can't stand the sight of two people grotesquely making out. But I just think that it's silly that people can be labeled homophobic just because they don't want to see two gay people making out. Don't worry, people, I'm an equal opportunity hater - anyone vigorously making out makes me sick to my stomach, regardless of gender.

      Delete
  22. I said "hot fudge hole" in public recently. It upset my wife. "Hot fudge cave" was not more acceptable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I just added two new terms to my vocabulary. Which also might not thrill your wife.

      Delete
  23. I use the word "Lame" a lot… and that has stirred up some issues in the past…

    And is Bryan's wife's hair really purple? Cuz if so, that's so cool!!! And laughing. Laughing. Laughing. (Used three times for emphasis). I think I'll go post a picture on Facebook of me in my sleek workout attire now. Sooooo true. :-)

    And did you guys know that you have over 8 million profile views on your google + page? Who said google + wasn't a thing? ;-)



    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even lame is a dirty word now? That simply means we must use it more often now.

      You know, it doesn't count if 7 million of those are from you...

      And yes, my wife does indeed have awesome purple hair. Here's a picture, with her face not shown to protect the innocent. Or at least so she doesn't have to sigh and admit, "Yes, I'm married to THAT idiot."

      Purple hair

      Delete
    2. Sooooooo COOL!!!! Tell your lovely wife that I'd want to be her best friend if we lived close. Yes, I friend people by their hair. It's a red head thing. ;)

      And LOL… you can expect another 7 millions views by next week.

      And yes to the "Lame" comment… like it's offending people who are not able-bodied… sigh! You can't win.

      Delete
  24. Today I learned about thin privileges...so I am very privileged because I have them thin, white and women privileges. Right, this is good right? I am so confused by all these privileges.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's okay to be a thin white woman, just don't be proud of it. Because once you do that you're a sexist racist fat shamer.

      Delete
  25. I'm always a bit surprised when people are offended by you boys. Anyone who has spent time reading you, should know that you poke fun at yourselves as much as you poke fun at anything else.

    The PC police have gotten rather intrusive and they have become bullies. They employ the use of labels to marginalize and publicly shame people who won't tow the party line. They have become what they claim to despise.





    ReplyDelete
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    1. Personally, I just find it amusing that we can post things like a homeless man eating a bloody condom out of a dumpster and no one has a problem with that, but then we post something like "Don't modern day people look silly when they work out?" and we get an 8 page dissertation on the various ways we can go fuck ourselves. No, really.

      8,000 ways to go fuck yourself sideways by Idiot Who Didn't Even Read Article

      Delete
    2. Holy Christ, that was one seriously disturbed individual. Clearly he hadn't read the post and also knew nothing about you. Sometimes these freaks just show up and act outrageous in an attempt to get people to click on their blogs.

      Delete
  26. Of course I offend people! Why do you think Pickleope stopped following me after just a couple of months?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, talking about Jesus and showing pictures of the trail where you walk your dog IS pretty offensive. And those beer bottle caps you collect? For goodness sake, man, there are CHILDREN on the Internet.

      Delete
  27. I called someone in a wheelchair rude. Which apparently makes me an ass...how was I to know people in wheelchairs couldnt possibly be rude?!!

    I'm so ignorant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. People in wheelchairs, little kids with cancer, and the profoundly retarded are completely immune to any form of rudeness. Timmy whips out his dick in the middle of class? Awww, he's just trying to express himself sexually. Little Sally hits you with her crutch? Well, maybe you should walk faster, slow-ass.

      Delete
  28. Excellent job with this offensive post!

    I'm guilty of not wanting to see gay people show PDA. Bad me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amen. I don't want to see anyone show PDA, frankly. It's not beautiful. It's not magical. It's a gross spectacle of saliva, tongues, and clacking teeth. Nothing about that is beautiful. So stahp.

      Delete
  29. Oy vey, where do I start? I've offended many. Once I let slip the "Indian Giver" term, which I sincerely regret, as I know it's incredibly insensitive and offensive. But I was raised by wolves (I grew up in LA). And I learned my lesson after I was nearly publicly mauled. That was many years ago. I've grown enlightened to the point at which I worry about complimenting someone's shoes. Really. I worried about this the other day. I thought I might be accused of harassment.

    And so I'd like to compliment your graphic with the enraged person stating "You son of a bitch." That made me laugh. I see this person has breasts and is referred to as Mommy, but I will not assume that person is a woman. That would make me an asshole like you guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's good of you, because that person is actually the child's gender neutral father, who does not choose to conform to standard gender stereotypes of beauty because blah blah blah sorry I almost punched MYSELF in the face for typing all of that bullshit.

      Delete
  30. Ha! Thank god for all this amurrcan freedom for you to be so offensive! (But to be honest, I think you're asking for trouble by commenting on your female coworkers' appearances. It's not "offensive" but it's a d-d-d-danger zone. Creepy old guy does that at my job, which is probably part of the reason why his name is creepy old guy. /seriousness)

    Me? I like saying cunty a lot. So, there's that. Oops.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, but creepy old guy probably wants to fuck those women. We ever so often give women genuinely compliments, and not in the creepy "I want to bone you" way, but more in the "I sincerely think you look nice today" sort of way.

      Delete
    2. Also, "cunty" is God's gift to the written word, and you can quote me on that.

      Delete
  31. I think I have to work a little harder to offend people. Maybe not, just look at some of my reviews, ha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our first book, The Missing Link, made one woman so angry she got physically ill. If I could take that review and frame it on my wall, I would. I'm not even kidding.

      Delete
  32. I'm still here ... I must be insensitive, too. Of course, I have a beer, so maybe that has something to do with it :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beer definitely does loosen the tongue and make a bad situation worse.

      Delete
  33. Whew....good thing I am down 37+ pounds so far...LOL. Sorry I've been absent so much but my recent post explains why.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd say you have a very valid excuse for not being around. Don't shame us all with your svelte new physique, though, will you?

      Delete
  34. Good god, I am feeling light headed from the rage pouring in huge steaming chunks from my mind. I don't think I can talk and make much sense at this point. O.o

    Yeah, I can't even stop laughing because I'm seriously an insensitive jerk and make no apologies for it. The world and most certainly the US has become a tub of weak minded, soft speaking, politically correct puppy huggers. We can't even let our kids dress up as an Indian Princess or play cowboys and Indians for fear that we might hurt some Native American's feelings 1000 miles away who isn't ever even going to see my child trick or treating in her cute indian princess costume.

    Pretty soon there will be a new dictionary..one for words we can't say any more. Yes kids, it's getting that bad.

    I don't care. I'm an over weight over the hill grandma that likes to oogle men with big arms...sue me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was going to make a joke about Native Americans in this comment, but I have some serious reservations about the whole thing.

      Delete
  35. who dropped the soap! bahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    :0p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not sure but it seems like neither man is even TRYING to pick it up.

      Delete
  36. Hmmm...well, I guess I could be offensive by the way I like inserting facts into hypocritical rants on a variety of topics.

    Plus I'm not the most tactful person in the universe either.

    And while I may be F(at) B(ald), I am certainly not I(nnocent).

    Father Nature's Corner

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I can read between the lines... you're a Federal Bikini Inspector! That must be the greatest job ever.

      Delete
  37. Insensitive thin white racist male bastards...

    ReplyDelete
  38. In like 6 months, when you jerks are fat and ugly and old, I'm going to be the first one in line to make fun of you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is the greatest fucking comment ever and we both love you for it. Seriously. And have you seen the shit they put in food these days? I give us 3 months tops.

      Delete
  39. OMG, my eyes, my eyes!!! I am so offended, lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I am absolutely offended by your own offense. That's how this works, right?

      Delete
  40. I'm fat so I make fun of fatter people. (It helps)
    I am not racist though...I hate everybody the same!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Meanwhile, we're both lean but we're not like jacked or anything, so people always call us skinny. Like I'm some poor undernourished child who never eats. What about skinny shaming, eh society?

      Delete
  41. I read this post early on, but didn't comment because there didn't seem to be anything to say besides "yup". I am surprised that nobody chided you even a little bit. On another blog taking an opposite position I'm sure the same commenters would be agreeing, "Yeah I hate those close-minded neanderthal heathens." Were there less responses this week than normal? There's an experiment for you. Find another blogger with a substantial following like yours and write opposite pieces. See how many of the shared commenters (shouldn't that be commentors? auto-sorrect says no.) give sycophant answers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you implying that commentors (fuck autocorrect) can be disingenuous and often agree with the poster for the sake of not rocking the boat? Well... we agree with you. So as not to rock the boat.

      But really, the blog world is pretty good at walking on eggshells, isn't it? Frankly, we thought the same thing. Traffic for this post has already been double our last post, with just as many, if not possibly more comments by week's end. I'd like to think that deep, deep down most people do agree with us, but the PC Police are so strong that I bet if another fairly popular blogger put up a post about how we should all start calling women "womyn" to "take the man out" most comments would be like, "YES. THIS IS A GOOD POINT. I SEE THINGS FROM ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE AND HAVE TO AGREE WITH THIS NOW."

      Delete
  42. Enough with the morbidly obese bogging all the scooters at Walmart, actually, enough with Walmart, but that's another comment for another post. I spend considerable amount of time to stay in shape as well, and I'm so sick of people telling me they have a thyroid condition. They have a freaky stomach condition as in their stomach is never full. Don't even get me started on a trophy for every kid. Being a teacher, I have to go to a gazillion of those asinine 'awards ceremonies', where kids get an award just for showing up to school….not making this up, it gets worse.
    I guess I'm guilty of all those PIC (politically incorrect) you guys mentioned here, though I must say that calling a wife wife is not that grotesque. If you really want to piss the feminists off, call her "my bitch'…that should it….

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES! That's perfect. My wife is Mexican, too, so I should just combine it all into Mexibitch and make one big offensive title.

      Delete
  43. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. I only read this because you promised it would make me throw up. You lying anti-bulimic bullies! I always gave my teachers a tough time with my horrible penpersonship, and I think I dated that guy with a twelve-pack!

      Julie

      Delete
    2. We're not anti-bulimic, I assure you. We constantly encourage vomiting in our readers, especially those who can stand to vomit about 200 lbs.

      Was that offensive enough?

      Delete
  44. My son plays with guns, my daughters favorite toy is her kitchen set, I post pictures of my husband with dead animals on my social media accounts and I love being a housewife. Did I win?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you just won the Internet. And our comment section. Please tell me you own an apron?

      Delete
  45. I've been editing my WIP in Pages. It underlines everything that isn't gender neutral and advises me to change so I don't offend anyone. Even if it's not offensive. "I saw Dominic's wife across the room." It underlines wife and says, "gender specific, consider changing to spouse or partner." But, that's what I get for owning an Apple….hahaha

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    1. Wait... that's really a thing? Fuck Apple even more now. Since when did passing gender onto your husband or wife become a bad thing?

      Me: "This is my father, Bill."
      Douche: "HOW DARE YOU PASS GENDER ONTO SOMEONE. THIS IS YOUR LIFE GIVER, AND SHOULD ONLY BE CALLED AS SUCH."
      Me: "Awesome. Time to commit suicide now."

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  46. I loved this post,mainly because I hate political correctness, it drives me nuts - OK more nuts. I liked what Charlton Heston called it. He said Political Correctness was just 'tyranny with manners'. Course what did ole Chuck know, after all his claim to fame was cleaning up the act of an old Jew who stuttered.

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    1. I bet in the new Planet of the Apes movies they don't even call them "damn dirty apes" because that's offensive to the primate community. And I bet because of it ol' Chuck Heston and his assault rifle are spinning in his grave.

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  47. I feel like being offended is like saying to the world that you can't control your own emotions so everyone else has to watch themselves and control it for you.

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  48. where is dr evil is he planning a experiment on the 99% of the population.

    lord! give us strength and pray for some "humanity" for our blue day.

    FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    WAYNETTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    LOL!

    :0p

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  49. Hilarious, as always. But I now feel ashamed of my own poor... hang on, I glopped pizza sauce onto the keyboard, lemme wipe it $)(*HIETPSDNGKJgghg better, as I was saying I feel ashamed of my own p h y it's hard to type with one hand and keep this ice cream cone away from the screen with the other, hang on

    I feel ashamed of WOW LOOK AT THAT GIRL IN THE TIGHT... wait.

    Actually, the only thing I'm really guilt of is profiling teenagers. When I see ONE teenager I think "he/she is up to something," thinking that way because I, unlike you, do NOT determine someone else's gender for them, and if I see two or more teenagers I assume they are going to steal my wallet and/or make fun of my haircut, and so I routinely hate all teenagers. I also assume they are shoplifters and whenever I am in Walgreen's and there is a teenager I am tempted to tell the cashier to watch the teens closely, but the cashier is hot and distracts me.

    I forgot what I was talking about.

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    1. That's because you're old and senile. Did I mention we're ageists too? Just in reverse of you, grandpa.

      I don't mind teenage kids. I just find that you can't be too specific with that. Saying "I like teenagers" is a much different ball game than saying "I like 14 year olds."

      Delete
  50. As soon as my sausage-like fingers pry themselves away from this everlasting bowl of Cheetos, consider yourself unsubscribed.

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    1. Oh, I have a feeling you'll be back, especially when Taco Tuesday rolls around again.

      Delete
  51. Usually I am very hard to offend, but this one time...a dude came up to me and assured me he was pro-abortion. That was the pick up line (of sorts). To this day I wonder...what the hell? Other than that, I've never had any problems. I even appreciate a good blond joke.

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    1. I love that he didn't just say he was pro-choice, but pro-abortion.

      "Yeah, I love abortions. Abortions are absolutely great. I was thinking you an' me could go out and get one later. Wait, why are you upset? What did I say?"

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  52. Lol. I have to say that although I may not agree with all your perspective, I am not the least bit offended. :( Everyone has the right to their opinions and I appreciate you sharing yours through humor and illustrations. :)

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    1. And that's all we can ever ask for. If the world all agreed on everything it'd be a pretty boring place.

      If anyone takes anything away from this, we hope it's that even though we may have differing opinions, they aren't mean spirited or hateful opinions, and certainly nothing someone should be offended over.

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  53. I have to say, I hate the bullshit that is going on right now in the mental health advocacy community trying to be PC. Some people are calling mental illness "mental health differences," and that is such a load of b.s.! I mean, give me a fucking break. An illness is an illness. We don't say diabetes is "insulin challenged." But what do I know, I'm a vertically challenged opinionated feline.

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    1. Yikes, that just sounds like a recipe for disaster. "No, no, you don't have an illness, you're just different." Exactly what every teenager struggling with a form of mental illness wants to hear.

      Delete
  54. "Where people are trying to be" PC. Grammatically challenged, me.

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    1. That's okay. If you saw the rest of the Internet, you'd weep tears of grammatical sadness for the death of the English language.

      Delete
  55. This is supposed to offend me? You're doing it wrong! Man the fuck up and get vulgar!

    On behalf of all fat, black gays I say to you..."Fucking pussies!"
    Hows that for gender specific?

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    1. Oh, Dan, don't be such an Asian homosexual midget.

      (How's that for offensive? And specific?)

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    2. Still weak, especially since I'm not Asian, homosexual or even remotely close to being a midget.

      I'm a cornfed white boy from Indiana...there's your foundation for finding a proper insult. Swing away!

      Delete
  56. I'm not entirely sure what had me laughing the most, but I'm relieved to know I'm just as offensive as anyone else around here. I would hate to be left out.

    I once was on a thread where someone had the nerve to refer to Cookie Monster as a "furry blue retard"—and the people on the thread went CRAZY, yelling at him for being insensitive to mentally challenged people and accusing him of all kinds of war crimes and abuses against humanity. I was like, hey, I have a child who IS retarded and I'M not even offended! Get a life, people. And we're talking about a MUPPET. A MUPPET.

    I won't read books by authors who refer to women as "womyn" because they don't want the word "men" in a female designation. For crying out loud.

    I love a good rant. Throw another one soon, okay?

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    1. If we'd known rants were this popular, we would have lost our shit long ago. :)

      In my completely non-PC solo novel, I wrote about a kid whose parents died, so he was left to take care of his mentally disabled sister. And to sum up my thoughts on your comment and people getting so outraged over the word 'retarded', here's an excerpt from that book, Demetri and the Banana Flavored Rocketship.

      “Visitors!” Laney chants, in a loud voice that Demetri attempts to hush. It’s a game to her—everything is a game to her: sitting still, going to sleep, going to the bathroom, speeches, funerals, etc.—and she brays a convulsion of grating laughter, a public announcement that proclaims to the world, ‘I am Alaina Cassandra Gainer—I will not be quiet, and I am extremely, severely retarded.’

      He feels brief remorse for using the word that the PC world has taught him is like the ‘n’ word for disabled people, but it’s only brief because he uses it often, both in thought and in conversation. She is not ‘gifted’; she messes up everything she tries. She is not ‘special needs,’ because none of her needs are special; they are a slew of ordinary, basic needs that she cannot fulfill herself. She is not ‘autistic’, either. She is full blown, dribbling, stuttering, donkey braying retarded, and right now she is doing exactly that as he struggles to keep her in her room.

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