You see, we live in a world of political correctness, and we recently realized that we aren't politically correct in the slightest. No, we have views and opinions that are extremely offensive to women, minorities, the handicapped, and the morbidly obese, and we can't hide these from the world anymore. No, we have to come clean and share them with you all today.
So please, prepare to be deeply offended.
First and foremost, we are unabashed fat shamers. At 30 years old, we're both in the best shape of our lives, thanks to working out and eating well. And we're not afraid to post pictures of our fully clothed bodies on social media, in which there is no hiding our slightly athletic leanness.
So, are you not seething deep, offended rage yet? Well, what if we told you that sometimes when Brandon buys toys for small children, he doesn't always get them gender-neutral options?
If there's a slight chance that you aren't angrily offended by this, don't worry, we're only getting warmed up. What if we told you that Bryan, as a straight guy, doesn't care for the sight of two men kissing?
Did you see that? He didn't call her the mailwoman. Or the mailperson. No, he called her THE MAILMAN with absolutely zero regard for her chosen gender.
We're sure you're just vomiting with rage right now, but in case we haven't pushed you over the edge yet, we should inform you that Bryan doesn't call his wife his "life partner" or his "companion." No, he calls her his wife, explicitly implying both gender AND ownership.
Not only that, but when he married her, she took his last name, thereby losing her complete identity as a woman and becoming nothing more than his female slave.
But Brandon? Oh, Brandon is much worse. In his wild single days, Brandon was known to compliment women on their looks... and not simultaneously on other equally important qualities such as intelligence or social worth.
Lastly, Bryan has a friend who's black (that's not the offensive part... unless you're from the deep South). On his friend's birthday recently, Bryan cooked his friend some fried chicken and corn bread and served him some watermelon with a side of grape soda... like a racist asshole. Yes, his friend loves all of those foods dearly and those are exactly what he wanted to eat and drink, but Bryan was so culturally insensitive that he served a black man racially stereotypical foods and didn't even bat an eye.
So there you have it, folks. We're just a pair of non-gender-neutral, racist, fat shaming assholes that believe in owning women like property and not wanting to watch fat guys kiss. We have no doubt that because of the nature of this post our readership will almost instantly plummet down to zero, but if by some slim, minute chance any of you are still hanging around, we assume it's because you're an insensitive jerk like us.
In which case, please tell us in the comments - what kind of wildly offensive things are you guilty of?
Cheers and stay politically insensitive, friends,
Music: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Beer: Upslope Craft Lager