*Assuming your life, in fact, is worth saving.
The Five Stages of Injury
The first stage is going into denial that the injury even happened to begin with. Surely there's no way you could have just cut yourself with a kitchen knife. No, it's probably the tomato that's bleeding. Or, you know, that blood was probably just there from yesterday.
After the denial has passed, rather than trying to come up with a solution to your injury, this is the moment that either you scold yourself for even having done it in the first place, or get irrationally angry at the object that just injured you.
3. Temporary Insanity
Once your anger calms, this is the moment that your brain stops working properly and you begin to question and extremely over-analyze the seriousness of the injury. Is that old nail that I just put through my hand sending rust molecules coursing through my bloodstream, giving me cancer? Is my arm tingling because I accidentally hit it with a hammer or because it's preparing to fall off? It's been 20 minutes and this cut on my hand hasn't stopped bleeding; am I now going to bleed out onto the kitchen floor, leaving behind a dry, withered husk of a human corpse for my loved ones to find?
4. Hospital Avoidance
Immediately following your self diagnosis is the stage when you try to figure out, using irrational logic and no medical knowledge whatsoever, what it will take to NOT have to drive yourself to the hospital, because we all know how expensive and shitty that is compared to toughing out an injury.
5. Sweet, Sweet Acceptance
This is the last stage of injury, when you finally come to the acceptance that there's nothing further you can do outside of soap and water, some Spiderman band-aids, and a long nap. Ultimately, you've come to terms with your health's future... for better or for worse.
After this, the healing process can begin... assuming, of course, that that rusty nail didn't actually give you bone cancer.
Cheers and stay uninjured, friends,
Beer: Leinenkugel Summer Shandy
Music: Benny Goodman
Oh, and to those who entered our Mystery Box of Awesomeness contest once upon a time ago, our two winners were gracious enough to post what we sent them. So if curiosity strikes you and you want to see what the Mystery Boxes contained, then go check out Robyn and Chiz's blogs to see what you could have won if you'd only
Spoiler alert: contains a shitload of bubble wrap
Robyn - Mystery Box #1
Chiz - Mystery Box #2