Monday, June 16, 2014

The Lonely Woman's Dog Club

Bryan's wife, for whatever reason, is a saint. In her spare time Meli enjoys feeding the homeless, volunteering at the local hospital, and just overall being an awesome person to others. Maybe it's to balance out Bryan's being a huge bastard. Either way, she recently found out that her hospital had a program for service dogs, and she just knew she wanted to sign up her dog, Little Man.

Basically, this program allows you to take your perfectly useless household dog...


...and turn him or her into a "caring canine" that helps bring comfort to those who are in pain at the hospital.




So Meli figured it was about time her poodle started pulling his weight around the house and got a job like the rest of us. Bryan was adamantly behind this.


When Meli signed up, she envisioned making a difference. Brightening someone's day. Bringing joy to someone in pain. Giving someone who's a bit stir crazy something to break up the monotony of a long day spent in a hospital bed. What she didn't imagine was joining the lonely women's dog club.


The women in this program are all a little odd. Rather than focusing on the helping aspect, they're more about the "look at me, my dog is saving the world and we as women are united by this" kind of thing. It's like they justify their own existence through their dogs.

Meli first noticed things were a bit odd when she was asked to make a business card... Not for her, but for Little Man. And the example she was sent and strongly encouraged to "go off of" was a trainwreck clearly written by a very lonely, very insane woman.





So Little Man now has a full color business card. Just let that sink in if you're a working human adult and you don't have a business card. Maybe you should question your life choices now. Bryan sure did.

And it only got crazier from there. Meli and her dog were soon called in for a photoshoot... and yes, the photoshoot was for the dog.

...for the 2014 Service Dog Calendar.



No, really. That's a thing. A sad, yearly thing. And the Lonely Woman's Dog Club can all giggle and high five each other as each of their dogs is individually highlighted as being Service Dog of the Month.

Ultimately, Meli enjoys it, and as far as we can tell, Little Man enjoys it. She'll continue to do it because she loves helping people. What she will not do, however, is become one of these kooky spinsters trying to justify her existence through her dog. Because unlike their humans, we know that the dogs don't really give a shit about being Mr. October or having the snazziest business card or having an "official service dog uniform" that shows just how important they are. They just like people.

Which makes them better than Brandon and I, because on most days, we hate people.

Check out that badge; it looks higher quality than any work badge I'VE ever had...

Cheers and stay obedient, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Van She
Beer: Newcastle Brown Ale

124 comments:

  1. Your dog has a business card and a calendar? I feel like such a failure now.

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    1. I worked in IT for 10 years and never had a business card. My dog is officially better at business than I ever was. No wonder I'm a stay at home writer now.

      Delete
  2. How come it's always women that get to go crazy with their pets? Crazy Cat Lady, Sad Lonely Dog Spinster. How come there's nothing for the fella's? What do I get when I get old and lonely? Nothin'. Discrimination I tell ya'. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go yell at the neighborhood kids to stay away from my lawn.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Because old men don't get crazy; they get grumpy. Now pass me a brew, will you? I'm gonna pull up this lawn chair, and while you yell at those kids to get off your lawn, I'm gonna yell at these other punks to slow down, this a residential neighborhood, not a motor speedway!

      Delete
  3. Jeez, at least I used a CAT to justify my existence! Cats are hip, man, just check out the internet.

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    1. If I'm reading this comment correctly then you're saying I should turn my cat into a service cat. I'm all for it. Sure, she'll claw the shit out of little cancer kid, but she's guaranteed to look 150% more adorable and 200% more hilarious on a business card and a calendar. And really, that's what this is all about, right?

      Delete
  4. Imagine if there were care-taking jobs for all animals. "Flip T. Bird, professional feeder. I'll be sure to make your food just mushy enough before I barf it directly into your munch-hole!"
    If only, if only. Those dogs got it good though, belly rubs all day long, most likely endless treats. The good life.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I don't know, man. It's kinda like prostitution. After a long, full day of belly rubs, he comes home and he doesn't really want them from us. I guess he just doesn't want to bring his work home with him, you know?

      Also, thank you for introducing us to the word "munch-hole." I assure you it will now be a regular part of our vocabulary.

      Delete
  5. Your dog is more successful than me. I still have to verbally tell people who I am and what I do. I'm not at the status of having my own business card yet. He's also way cuter than me. It's official, my new goal in life is to become the next Little Man.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, on the plus side, as an adult male you no longer have to worry so much about having abs if you ever want to be a calendar model. Now you just need big poofy hair, button eyes, and a furry belly.

      Delete
  6. I have an ex who always went overboard with pets.

    It's sort of cute until they start pulling out the "I like animals more than people" line.

    Or until they get a hysterectomy done on a hamster.

    Doctor-Face should be a meme.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think most often when people say "I like animals more than people" it's just a half-assed way of justifying extremely poor social skills.

      Also, "Give a Hamster a Hysterectomy" sounds like a fun, wacky children's book with whimsical illustrations.

      Delete
  7. That is a darn cute fluffy dog. If I was a little kid dying of cancer I'd enjoy spending time with that little guy. As much as I do agree that service dogs do a lot of good, a business card seems like a little too much. There are plenty of fluffy animal calenders so that doesn't bother me as long as the profits are going towards charity. I do still need to contemplate my life though.

    I don't have business cards.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Now that my dog has a really impressive business card, I can't get this scene out of my head.

      American Psycho - Business Cards

      Delete
  8. Imagine how bad it would be if there were crazy old cat ladies bringing in their cat, and I don't mean just one cat, but all 73 of them.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "This is Buttons. This is Buttons #2. This is Buttons #3. And this is Mittens #8. I can't find 7. Don't mind the smell. What they lack in hygiene they more than make up for with cuddliness."

      Delete
  9. I'm digging the gifs. Also, maybe Bryan should just make a business card. You don't even have to be honest for it, it's not like they ask for your credentials when you send for 'em.

    Thinking of getting a "Certified brain surgeon" one myself.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. And with that, "Bryan - Licensed Animal Attorney" was born.

      "Is your dog being prosecuted for a leash law they don't understand? Is your cat accused of clawing a couch they thought to be their own? Then just hire me. I speak for animals because they physically can't speak for themselves. And then you pay me because animals don't understand the concept of money."

      I also smell a wacky TV show spinoff.

      Delete
  10. damn, maybe I should start licking my balls and sniffing asses, then I may move up in the world too lol that's a nicer badge than I ever had, most I got is a sticker name tag haha people are sure insane, dogs have more patience than I ever will.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. When my dog sniffs a person's ass or tries to nose their crotch, it's cute, but when I do it, it's sexual harassment. Life is so unfair.

      Delete
  11. BEER BROTHERS B ~
    I started laughing at "But all kidding aside,..." and didn't stop until I got to the following:

    >>... enter using the widget below, and for those of you who have already contributed an entry, don't forget to officially mark them off via the widget, otherwise we won't be able to count you! Dem's da rules, guys.

    I don't even know what language that is.

    And here I was all set to write a BigBitch.com book review for you blokes over the next few days, only to discover that apparently this is a foreign country contest and, being a plain-speaking American stuck in 1988 America, I'm not eligible to enter.

    What I need is a "Service Beer" to make me feel better.
    'Hop Knot', don't fail me now!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
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    1. In layman's terms, use that big grey box to mark off your entries otherwise that BigBitch review won't count and communism wins! And pass the Hop Knot, will you? I just ran out of Big Sky...

      Delete
    2. >>... In layman's terms, use that big grey box to mark off your entries...

      "big grey box"?... my "entries"?!?!
      Dude! Do you have ANY IDEA how long it's been since I was laid?

      I may have spoken this language at some point in my life, but it went out of my brain when my hair left my scalp!

      >>... otherwise that BigBitch review won't count and communism wins!

      Communism ALREADY won! (See the 2-part comment I just left for you on my F-FFF blog.)

      >>... And pass the Hop Knot, will you? I just ran out of Big Sky...

      Tsk!-Tsk!
      I would pass you a 'HOP KNOT', but if I did...
      you wouldn't learn a valuable lesson from this avoidable tragedy.

      By the way... I recently discovered Deschutes 'Fresh Squeezed IPA". Damned good! Nappy and I did a BBTT and it essentially tied 'Hop Knot'.

      (Have you had Deschutes' 'Inversion IPA' or their 'Red Chair NWPA'?)

      Deschutes is now my second favorite brewery, and close on the heels of Lagunitas!

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  12. Didn't know so much was going on in the doggie world, they seem to be looking to replace all those entry level jobs that companies don't hire people for anymore. Maybe I should get a business card, too, is that how we determine success now?

    My daughter has a cat raised mostly by the dog it lived with: 'Sid Vicious' learned to open cabinets and garbage cans and who knows what else. The dog Sasha and Sid the Cat had a youtube at one time showing how a dog tolerates a kitten's urge to play.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Sure, right now my dog's only an entry level service dog, but I bet in just 5 short years he can work his way up to middle management.

      Delete
  13. It's only a matter of time until that dog becomes the main bread winner in the house and starts to make all the financial decisions. He's going to come home from work and expect his bowl on the floor. He'll want you to clean the house while he's out, because he's busy providing for this family. Eventually, he'll kick you out for being a lazy bum, and there's legally nothing you can do because his name is on the bills and the deed to the house.

    Also, I noticed that you're drinking newkie brown. Good choice.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I just saw my future, and it's bleak. I already am at this animal's beck and call. He's hungry, I feed him. He makes a mess, I clean it up. I am his slave. What am I doing with my life?

      Also, I learned something today, that you can call Newcastle Newkie. That's instantly grown on me.

      Delete
  14. I volunteer in a variety of organizations because I love helping people. But I have to agree with Meli here, cause I found out some of the motivations behind the volunteering are pretty shady and sometimes, not so pure . The worst I've seen so far are PTA moms. It's all about them desperately needing recognition- instead of all about the kids. Drives me bat crap crazy.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yeah, I don't know what it is about the recognition that's so important to people. Meli volunteers with a girl who spends half her time taking selfies and uploading them to Facebook. Because, you know, taking a really unflattering picture with some poor, sick old man is much more rewarding than just helping him out and bringing him whatever he might need.

      "OMG just volunteering again! #SuchAGoodPerson #YOLO #SWAG"

      Delete
  15. Well, what do you expect? These lonely old ladies have no kids to force into life-validating careers and extracurricular activities, so they go and get dogs and use them to give themselves something to be proud of. Mainly because the dogs have no real way of objecting. Oh sure, they can be crabby and start biting people, but those ladies will just make excuses, saying that the poor little doggie was over tired and that the sick kids aggravated it. "Well, they shouldn't have been hugging little Floofy like that! She was just defending herself from unwanted affection! Look at her! She's so upset, she's foaming at the mouth!" Oh gee, I'm so sorry. I sure learned my lesson. Excuse me while I go get my rabies shot...

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    1. I didn't get a chance to post about it (ran out of room) but you know what else they have in this program? An after school thing where kids actually sit down and read a book to the dog. The dog just sits in a chair while kids read to it. Yes, it encourages reading, but when the kids get sad and say, "He looks like he's not listening to me," the dog owner is encouraged to say things like, "He's just thinking about what you're saying."

      I'm not kidding you.

      Delete
  16. The pictures can move now?! Awesome.

    Little Man is better than me too. He clearly likes people and posing for pictures far more than I do. Not to mention the fact that he is was more adorable.

    But seriously, what he and Meli are doing is awesome. It might take both of them to make up for Bryan though.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You think moving pictures is awesome? Next week we're going live action. Look at us, growing. Or running out of ideas. You pick.

      And seriously, Bryan's a huge bastard, so it's gonna take a lot of work to balance out his lifestyle.

      Delete
  17. Mr. October ::snort:: Meli does sound like a saint. And that dog tag is definitely more official looking than any crappy plastic trainee badge I've ever worn.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I don't know if that was intentional, but your use of the term dog tag made me giggle.

      Delete
  18. Aww that picture is so cute! I thought about making my cat into a service animal, until I remembered she hates people. She would probably traumatise them even more with her sharp claws and Marge Simpson growl.

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    1. That's awesome. If my cat had a Marge Simpson growl, I'd annoy her constantly.

      Delete
    2. That's GREAT! It reminded me of a very fun memory (and believe me, I'm at a point in my life when I can put to great use ANY "fun memory" I can... remember).

      My Ma passed away many years ago. But a year or two before that, I recall some incident that caused my Ma to go... "UMmmmmm....!"

      I immediately laughed and said to her, "That sounded just like a character named Marge Simpson!"

      To my incredible surprise, my Ma replied: "I know. That's who I was doing."

      Now I was laughing EVEN HARDER, and between gasps for air, I said: "I never would have dreamed you even knew who Marge Simpson was!"

      What we don't know about our parents would probably startle the crap outta us!

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    3. That is a funny story! I get the Marge Simpson growl every night when I pick Misty up to take her to bed. It's so funny, because you can see that she's trying so hard to be vicious and scary, but it just makes her look adorable. Then I give her a cuddle and you can almost see her thinking "HOW IS THIS NOT WORKING?!"

      Delete
  19. I know I'm on vacation, but I must be more fucked up than usual, but I could swear I see some of your pictures moving...

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    1. Next thing you're gonna tell us that picture of the dog showing off his badge wasn't drawn.

      Delete
  20. He's adorable. Mr. October ain't got nothing on Meli's dog. I do wonder if Mr. October works in architecture or latex.

    Many years ago, I worked with people who had huge b-day bashes for their doggies. This included putting a stupid human birthday hat with elastic string around the dog's head. It's a sick and twisted world.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I can't hear something like that without thinking about a new story from once upon a time ago where Britney Spears got kicked out of a fancy restaurant for ordering her chihuahua a $150 steak. She ordered the steak, and the chef thought it was for her. When he brought it out she dropped it on the floor and fed it to her dog. The chef got so outraged he told her to GTFO.

      This is an animal that sometimes eats its own shit and uses its tongue for toilet paper. I don't think Mr. Foofy's as "picky" about his food as some people (delusionally) seem to think.

      Delete
    2. Oh my, you just gave me the best laugh of the day so far. I love that chef too. He was probably pissed that he doused it in just the right amount of A-1 sauce.

      Delete
  21. I only got business cards at one job, when I was managing a theater (and only at one of the theaters I managed). And, basically, it was for me to give to people who were yelling at me and wanted to yell at me more because they wanted free stuff. I'll mention the drawing on Wednesday.

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    1. That sounds like an absolutely lousy excuse for a business card. Maybe they should have given you a service dog with its own business card. I mean, who's going to yell at a cute, tiny dog? Oh, and thanks in advance for the mention!

      Delete
  22. First the business... I have discovered that I have no drawing skill whatsoever. Or maybe I am just not inspired to keep trying. I did have a pretty good idea but no talent to bring it forth. Isn't that the saddest thing ever? Well, maybe not ever... but today.

    This post was funny beginning to end. I am not even sure I can pluck out my favorite bit. I think I will go with the Likes and Dislikes for the calendar. Hahahaha.

    And... your dog is adorable. Who doesn't want to pet a dog as cute as that???? That said, I am sure that he loves going to the hospital and being fawned over. I know I would like it...:D

    ReplyDelete
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    1. We don't have drawing skills either. On most days, we just fake it. So worry you not. And I must insist that the poodle is the wife's dog, and I married into that dog. He isn't "mine." I say this to hold onto any shred of manliness I might still possess.

      Delete
  23. A - every dog that I know has a business card - it's the four legged ones I know that really deserve them.

    B - it's time to buy a printer and some decent quality business card stock - really, you were in IT - so get on IT!

    C - I have lots of different business cards. Depending on my sick and twisted mood I just might be the Health Inspector… gotta love the bribing that goes on with that card.

    D - Am I the only one with a creative mind. (not a question!)

    E - Have you seen some of those dudes and dudettes (firemen/swimsuit chicks) baring all - heck I'll take a photo of my JackShit any day - remember your post on Ugly Babies… they do grow up, you know, and become poster/calendar fodder. It’s true.

    F - I’ve made it to F… which means I have way too much F’n time on my hands.

    In closing, dear Sirs, let me just state… Little Man rocks! Lucy, aka Miss Lucyfur, agrees. She’d love to see him splayed out - she’s panting heavily just thinking about it!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. We have business cards for this site, if that counts? Which is infinitely more important than some boring IT cards!

      Your poor JackShit will really have to use her imagination, then, because Little Man was neutered, meaning he's all show, no go.

      Delete
  24. Alright I come back after being depressed and feeling like a failure and what do I see? A post where a dog has a business card, a shiny badge and is featured in a calendar? Where did I go wrong in my life? I knew I should have signed up to that sugar daddy site....also that dog is so frigging adorable.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Don't feel bad. We're published authors with a thriving blog and I'm pretty sure the dog is still more important than us. Welcome back!

      Delete
  25. Haha I love this so much. And that is one of the cutest dogs I've ever seen.

    I fear that if I ever got a dog I would be that type of owner. And you know what's worse? I don't really mind. But I draw the line at business cards. And a calendar. Or maybe it'll just have the business cards. I like the sound of a dog earning its keep.

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    1. Plus, just think how important you'd BOTH sound when arranging doggy playdates?

      "Awww, Mr. Fuffles is so cute. I bet he and my Sparky would get along great. We should do a play date."
      *flip out a business card* Here's Fuffles' card. Give us a call and we'll pencil you in. Fuffles is a busy guy, you know.

      Delete
  26. Here let me help you, so I can make it all about ME, or my dog, or my big toe, or my disease which is worse than your disease, pain, etc. BAH! Sadly most people (probably especially lonely women) only give service so they can play 'look at me, look at me'.

    That said; I'd scratch Little Mans belly any day and definitely feel better for it. That didn't come out exactly right.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. He services men, women, and children all week long without so much as a single complaint. He loves it, and I'm sure he'd love servicing you too.

      That also came out wrong.

      Delete
  27. That is too funny. Animals love human interaction and if their humans like getting out and helping others with their animals, nothing wrong with that. Cute pup.

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    1. Yeah, some of it's pretty ridiculous, but if it's for a good cause you won't hear any complaints here. Plus I can say my dog is actually helping put kibble on the table.

      Delete
  28. Lol. Service animals are really helpful for both the animal and the human. But more for the human.

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    1. It's pretty good for Little Man too. He's already receiving belly rubs at a 4th grade level.

      Delete
  29. That is HEEELARIOUS. I totally know the type. I also get a huge kick out of (making fun of) the dbag parents who tell you what they're baby is thinking/saying. I used to babysit for a CRAZYASS lady and her 2 daughters. She was constantly telling me what her 18 month old was "saying." Seriously, this kid BARELY said "ma ma" and that was IT. But somehow with her eyes, or telepathically she apparently TOLD her mother that she ONLY liked organic fruit. I'm not even kidding, she insisted little baby Evil (my nickname for her) TOLD HER THAT. From that point on, we made it a point to tell each other what we thought our baby was saying, and it was not unlike that Simpson's episode w/the baby translator:
    "I seem to have soiled myself, how humiliating."
    "This leash demeans us both."

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I know a woman who "swears" that her dog wants to be a vegetarian. All I can think of is how bad I feel for that poor dog.

      Also, massive bonus points for referencing that episode. Classic.
      "Lavish attention on me and entertain me."
      "Where did you go?" (Peek-a-boo!) "Oh there you are, how amusing."

      Delete
  30. Aww man. I'm less successful than a dog, what a blow!

    Although I can see the potential for some horribly bad dog puns with the whole business card side of things.

    "Slater - the woofing specialist"

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ooh, I like that.

      "Fido - the Bark Ranger."

      Delete
    2. There's a canine dental joke to be had somewhere but I can't quite formulate it.

      In other news, I drew Brandon today at work while I was expertly looking busy. My attempt at Bryan however bore absolutely no resemblance what so ever! Poor show...

      Delete
    3. Ugh oh, did Bryan look more like Sloth from Goonies or more like a young Brad Pitt? Either way, regardless of choice... we still want to see it.

      Delete
  31. Does he have a little wallet for his cards?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. His vest is like a little saddle, so he's got all kinds of pockets. Which is supposed to be for dog treats, but I kind of like the idea of having a walking snack bar. Hey dog, pass me a beer and some M&Ms, will you?

      Delete
  32. I have two dogs that I would love to enter into anything. Sadly, one of them doesn't like anyone except those he chooses entirely on his own. The other is more agreeable in that he won't bark, but he just stands stiffly at attention if he doesn't know you and shows no response whatsoever.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. We actually have four dogs, and only one of them is friendly enough to be a service dog. My biggest is so mean to anyone who's not me that I'm pretty sure she'd make a better bouncer than anything.

      Delete
  33. I think we can call it almost equal for the Crazy Dog Ladies and the Pageant Show Moms, screaming "LOOK AT MY KID!!"

    Then again, maybe not. The kids can grow up and possibly grow out of it. The dogs just want their belly rubs.

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    1. For those poor kids, though, I think the scars of a beauty pageant childhood last longer and cut deeper than the scars of being a dog paraded around for adoration.

      Delete
  34. Where does a dog carry business cards, or does he just chew them up?

    Doesn't that slow down walks?

    Now, in addition to sniffing the butt of every dog you pass, now he's got to exchange business cards.

    I am actually surprised they do not use cats in facilities for people who are bedridden.

    Talk about win-win.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh that's easy, he keeps all of his items neatly in a leather drawstring pooch. *ba dum tsssh*

      Delete
  35. Awwww!! Can cats sign up?!?! Not sure how good they are with the comforting, per se....but us cat ladies need validation too.

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    1. You're already calling yourself a cat lady without yet having the cat? I admire your dedication. This, of course, means that within the next few months you'll have to get 6 more and they'll all have to have sequential names, I.E. this is Buttons #1, this is Buttons #2, this is Buttons #4 (he killed Buttons #3), etc.

      Delete
    2. Gia-It seems to me if someone is stuck in bed, a cat is perfect.

      My cat would be perfectly happy to sleep all day in a bed (as long as he was fed when he felt like it was mealtime).

      He'd be there purring away-I think it would be very comforting!

      Delete
    3. L.C. - Between you and me, I'd much rather be comforted by a cat than a dog. When I'm feeling sick, nothing makes me feel better than laying down on the couch and my cat coming up to lay on me while she purrs (purring isn't just for when they're happy, it's also a thing they do to sooth others, which I'm sure you already knew). Dogs are happy to see you and be with you, but my cat definitely tries to "help" me, and that's pretty freaking awesome.

      Delete
  36. Pretty sad how the creatures with, supposedly, the less brain matter do it out of the love of it while the many crazy ladies pretend they are all high and mighty.

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    1. Amen. Sad that these women could stand to learn something from an animal with a brain the size of a large walnut.

      Delete
  37. Only you guys can take an innocent-sounding charitable thing and expose it for the tawdry dog prostitution ring that it is. Kudos! We need more community activists like you.

    Sounds like Bryan's wife is holding her own against the crazies. Stay strong, Meli. Don't get sucked into that life of dog competition. Before you know it, you'll be painting the dog's toenails and putting mascara on its little eyelashes. Boy or girl. It doesn't matter when social standing is on the line.

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    1. I already grimace when she buys the dog clothes, and that's as far as it goes. The day she gets out the nail polish for the dog is the day I put the leash on her. It's also the night I sleep on the couch with a black eye, but you know, at least I put my foot down. Or something.

      Delete
  38. And I thought cat people were bad - this just takes things to a whole new level. Sounds like they are behaving just like some of those people who show their dogs for a living. A dog is a dog. Even if they have those fancy pedigree papers, they still love to lick their privates. I LOVE the panel with the dog posing like George. Classic!

    Hmm, a dirty joke. Does this one count?

    Why did the rubber fly across the room?

    It got pissed off.

    Yeah, I heard it in fourth grade but so what. It was funny then and it's funny now (on a "I'm totally immature" level).

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    1. Your use of the term "cat people" just reminded me of a great Demetri Martin bit, where he says that he's always disappointed when he hears someone say that they're a cat person. Because when he thinks cat person, he thinks half cat, half person, not just that they like cats. "Oh, she's a cat person. So she has pointy ears, tufts of fur, and she doesn't like going in the pool."

      And hey, that joke is very worthy of the contest. I still have jokes from first grade that I get a giggle out of.

      Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
      To get to the bottom.

      Delete
  39. Dogs are great, I love the crap outta them, and they SHOULD have to contribute to the betterment of society but there is nothing crazier to me than insane dog (or cat) people. You dress the up? You buy them jeweled collars and get them business cards, and head shots, and puppy birthday parties...I just can't. I know they're fur babies but that level of pet love is beyond me. More power though and so awesome of Meli to be doing something that cheers others up!! How did Bryan land such a great lady? lol

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    1. I ask myself this question every day. If I had to place any bets, I'd say it's my elbows. Overall I'm pretty decent, but I've got some sexy, A-class elbows that just can't be beat.

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  40. Don't get me started on this dog thing. You've said some things I've said and I've gotten into enough trouble about it. Guess I wasn't funny enough.

    Let me just say that I don't know why people need to get out and do things. I don't leave my house except when I need to replenish supplies.

    Lee
    Tossing It Out

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    1. There's just no talking sense to these kinds of people, so I can see why you got some flack for it. As for me, you won't find me disagreeing with you. On a good week I leave the house once, and because of that, I can do a great job of blending in with the drywall, as I'm white enough to scare small children.

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  41. With you on hating people. A dog with a business card? Well, in the neighborhood where I house sat for my parents, they had a fucking dog BAKERY with a Thanksgiving menu. Yes, really.

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    1. I love shops that make expensive baked dog goods. Yes, it's true, they like to eat frosted dog cookies. But you know what else they like to eat? Dead mice, turds, lint, that old sweaty sock I left lying around, etc.

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  42. Little Man looks adorable wearing his service badge. I also loved his business card, and calendar pose. I've seen firsthand how service dogs really do help people. Some nursing homes, and retirement communities have live-in service dogs that regularly interact with the residents. Bryan's wife really is doing a good thing, and you've made it enjoyable for all of us!

    Julie

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    1. Interestingly enough, it's the old folks who always seem the most grateful for Little Man. They usually remark how they miss being able to have pets, and it really brightens their day. Totally makes it worth all that other bullshit.

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  43. Y'know, I was really bitter after flying multiple flights this weekend with every entitled asshole bringing their fart machine dogs on the plane as "Service Animals" with no regard for people with allergies or people who don't like constantly inhaling dog farts or hearing the barking of a dog who doesn't know how to pop its ears. BUT if someone handed me the dog's business card and showed me its modeling work, I may have taken Mitzi and her 10-inch stripper heels more seriously when she claimed "service animal."

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    1. I'll let you in on a little secret - it's not hard to make your animal into a service animal. Little Man doesn't even understand sit, stay, or come. The lights are on, but on most days, nobody's home. He's just really friendly. So remember that next time one of these bimbos tries to brag how "smart" their dog is.

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  44. I may be wrong, but I think any dog with a Service Dog cert basically allows you to take your dog ANYWHERE dogs aren't allowed. Airplanes, supermarkets, bars, strip clubs. Little Man didn't realize this was such a big deal. He basically just got Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket.

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    1. No, you really can. We have a mutual friend who has a service dog, and she takes him everywhere. Grocery store, restaurant, funeral parlor, you name it... and no one says a damn thing because he's got that vest on. It's brilliant. I have a feeling I'm going to be taking my dog to the bar with me next time I go out and get hammered.

      "Hey, he helps me find my way home after I've had too many. And he puts beer goggles on me. She's a 3, but I think she's an 8? Good dog. Good dog."

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  45. I was thinking of what Angry said. In fact, I have a good service dog story.
    Don't know if you've been to The Dickens Opera House, but it's a good time. Live music, local beer on tap from several breweries in town, dancing. People watching. Dancing. Bands ranging from late 70s cover bands to Zydeco (so watch what night you go...depending whether you want skin tight leather pants and a big wig or just good ole' southern style..)

    My friend was taking care of service dog for the weekend (we are both friends with the woman who uses this wonderful dog in her business). Of course he's allowed everywhere, so we make plans for getting in early to get Richie settled. This is code for let us in early so we can actually get a table! It gets better though. Because of my medical issues, I have a handicapped parking tag which I need from time to time, so why not use it (even though my asthma was actually behaving for once) to 1) park close by 2) get in early 3) get to ride the totally cool antique service elevator with those grates you pull down 4) settle in.

    Richie loved it under the table, and didn't mind the crowd or the adoring fans. What the four of us in the party found most amusing was the people (some not so discreetly) trying to figure out which of us NEEDED the service dog and why. You see, it was Halloween. Most people were in costume. We were not. Some people thought the dog was the costume. Much hilarity ensued, as well as free drinks...

    Don't knock the power of a dog with a vest. It has magic capabilities, and yes, Little Man has a Golden Ticket. Use it well. With great power comes great responsibility ;-)

    Tina @ Life is Good
    On the Open Road! @ Join us for the 4th Annual Post-Challenge Road Trip!

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    1. Tight leather pants being good or bad completely depends on the wearer. Cute woman? Yes, score! Fat, bald 60 year old man? Vomit.

      Thanks to your story I now want to take my dog to ridiculous places. Like I can take him to church and if anyone asks I can say he's helping me find Jesus. He's got a nose for that kind of thing, you know.

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  46. Hey, I've got 2 dogs! I'm short on cash....they piss and shit everywhere. Maybe it's time they start taking on some responsibility and help pay the bills! They can feed themselves for a change! They done gone and knocked up 2 dogs from the neighborhood, one of which was one of the dogs' own sister. They gonna owe some support! And a mental health evaluation.

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    1. Even your dogs have redneck problems. That's awesome. Really brings new meaning to barefoot and pregnant. Will your dogs soon be appearing on Maury to debate "who da baby daddy?"

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    2. Pups were just born 2 days ago. As it turns out, there was no inbreeding. Seems my other dog got to her first.

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  47. Since I am a lonely kooky spinster maybe I should try to justify my existence through my dog. After all being the cat lady isn't working so well. After 5 cats you would think I would feel fulfilled or justified or whatever. Maybe I should put my future sanity in the hands of a 15 pound Shih Tzu

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    1. The fate of the future has been put in the hands of much worse things than a tiny mop dog.

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  48. Random note for one more entry point: I never told you how I met you guys.
    I was in a Jewish deli in upstate NY. This couple across the way was making all sorts of orgasmic sounds. "I'll have what he's having," I told the waiter. "Oh, you mean Powdered Toast Man and his, uh, lady friend?" the waiter asked. "Yeah, the dude with toast on his neck." And well...this story kinda died before it started. What decade is When Harry Met Sally anyway? I might be too old to reference an 80s movie.

    But we met when I saw your comments on my buddy's blog. Dang, I miss him, since he went on from a life of blogging to a life of diapering. Can't say I'm jealous.

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    1. Running this blog is already like having a baby. It can't do anything for itself and I constantly have to nurture it. So I can't imagine having a real baby on top of that. No thank you. Not right now anyway.

      Meg Ryan's face currently looks like an old shoe that smashed itself in gum on the pavement, so yes, Harry and Sally was definitely 80s. I will NOT be having what she's having.

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  49. Replies
    1. It totally counts for movies, just not for people.

      Girl born in 1989: "Yeah, LOL, I was such an 80s kid!"

      No you weren't. STFU.

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    2. Haha, okay, so I can't pass for someone born in 1989. I wasn't actually trying to, but I'm disappointed nonetheless. I meant that When Harry Met Sally came out in 1989. I was thinking it must've come out later. As an old-ish lady, I have little recollection of 80's flicks. So the STFU wasn't earned this time, though I didn't explain myself well at all, but I'll gladly accept the STFU and bank it for later.
      Cheers!

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    3. Ha, that wasn't directed at you! We'd never tell you to STFU. We meant that a movie being made in 1989 counts as a movie from the 80s, but a girl born in 1989 who's like "Yeah I was such an 80s child" doesn't actually count as being an 80s child.

      I don't remember much about the 80s either, to be honest. It was a bad time for hair, for music, and for clothing... I think we're all better off not remembering.

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    4. Oy vey, I really discombobulated that communication. I didn't think you'd ever tell me angrily to STFU, so I took it as your way of saying "Don't be silly." As Gilda Radner - may she rest in peace. I still adore her.) said so eloquently as Rosanne Rosannadanna, with a cheesy, only slightly embarrassed smile, "Never mind!" Smiles.

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  50. Now you did it! Thanks to your little story here I know I'm a complete loser 'cause I don't have color business cards, and Little Man has a way cooler job than mine licking his balls…But it's not over, not by a long shot, just wait till I take all three my chihuahuas at the hospital…..:)

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    1. We have a chihuahua and he would truly make the worst service dog on the planet. He's just a 5 lb ball of fur and anger.

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  51. Its a lovely thing Meli is doing with your cute pup. You must be very proud :)

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    1. The dog was actually handed off to us, without asking, by someone who didn't even want him, so to see him come so far and actually have a 'purpose' after not even being wanted is pretty damn cool. :)

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  52. Go, Little Man, GO! :D

    (This post made me miss my dog a little as well.)

    -Barb

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    1. FYI your dog doesn't have to be trained or even smart to be a service dog. You know, in case you want to give your dog purpose while you're gone...

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    2. It's something I'll consider when I get back home, but right now, her "job" is to keep my grandmother company while Mom is at work/make my grandmother into her personal food slave.

      P.S.
      Dunno if it has been mentioned before, but the George Costanza pose for the doggy calendar cracked me up. However, Little Man ROCKED that shoot.

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  53. Ok...you realize that isn't really a dog. It is more of a thing. I think if you were to call it a rat it might be more identifiable. Just for the record I am going to make a business card for my Cockatiel now. She makes people happy...ok maybe not but she does squawk a lot!

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    1. You'll hear no objections here. That's the wife's dog. My dog is a snow white shiba inu that looks like a white wolf. Now that's a dog!

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  54. I popped over after reading Stephen's kick-ass review of your book. Figured I'd find out more about your book, read some of your posts, etc. Bought your book... if you can call it that... FREE! So, thank you for the gift.

    Also, I loved your posts and sense of humor. Great cartooning, too. So, I have no other choice now but to sign on as your newest groupie. (It's okay if I don't drink beer, right? After all, that leaves more for you guys that do.)

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    1. We made it free this week during Stephen's awesome review in case anyone wanted to check it out. We believe the writing speaks for itself. So thank you for checking it out!

      No need to drink beer to be a part of this website. Hell, thanks to our randomness and lack of attention span, I can't remember the last time we actually posted about beer...

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  56. Awwwwww cute puppie... *remembers he is a 45-year-old man who even though his wife will not let him rent a chain saw would TOTALLY know how to use said tool*.

    Whatevs, man.

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  57. Oh gosh, this cracks me up, because later in July, I'm taking Kodi to a children's grief camp to work as a therapy dog. I worked the camp last year, without him and was AMAZED at the people that brought their dogs. They took it all so seriously. One had trading cards made up of her dog, with all different poses, most had serious vests for their dogs to wear so they knew they were 'working' and they went on and on about how their dogs were pet therapists. I decided to bring Kodi this year, as we've visited hospitals and nursing homes and while he can take or leave adults, he loves kids...but I've been getting nervous, because I don't have any trading cards or fancy equipment or a special degree for him, and don't intend to get him. I am wondering if the crazy owners are going to snub him???

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