Monday, June 2, 2014

Please Spread the Literary Filth

Recently, a group of legally adult college students petitioned for warning stickers to be placed on the covers of assigned fiction books that detail of any unsettling content within. These warnings, called "trigger warnings" would help to preserve the delicate feelings of our students, so that just like in real life, they can live forever secure and completely forewarned of anything that might cause even the slightest discomfort.


So books like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn would have to say "Warning: this book contains slavery and more uses of the n-word than a Lil Wayne concert." Or Lord of the Flies would have to say, "Warning, this book contains little kids killing each other and sticking things up a pig's ass." Or Of Mice and Men would have to say: "Warning, this book contains the murder/assisted suicide of a really sweet mentally retarded guy," which totally ruins the ending of the book, but isn't that the whole point of trigger warnings? So we don't have to face ourselves with the issue of reading a book that might make us feel something inside?

You might be surprised to find that we totally support this movement, and we completely agree that people should be warned about every little disturbing detail you could find in a book. So, being the proactive authors that we are, the two of us decided to get a jump start on labeling all of those pesky books. All it took was a label-maker and a quick trip to the local bookstore.











And being the staunch supporters of equality that we are, we didn't stop there. We feel it's only fair to put trigger warnings on our own books. But here's the thing. Our books are filthy. Really filthy. So in the spirit of further shaming our outrageously offensive novels, we've decided to put all of them on sale for the next week. From now until next Monday, all of our eBooks are now 99 cents instead of their regular listing price of $5.99, in the hopes that someone would be willing to buy these vile pieces of literary toilet paper.


>>>Dead and Moaning in Las Vegas<<< WARNING: Contains zombies, zombie tigers, death, disembowelment, murder, cannibalism, graphic nudity, and an African-American protagonist.

>>>The Missing Link<<< WARNING: Contains violence, misogyny, fecal matter, big black dicks, hooliganism, trolling, and brief man-on-lizard action.


>>>The Graveyard Shift<<< WARNING: Contains necrophilia, cop killing, child torture, abuse of a corpse, and rampant evidence that the authors are clinically insane.

>>>The Sensationally Absurd Life and Times of Slim Dyson<<< WARNING: Contains the rampant abuse and mistreatment of a mentally imbalanced homeless person

So we invite you to please take these disgusting books off of our hands before any poor college student can be tainted by them and possibly learn something. And we also invite you to come up with trigger warnings of your own if you've already read these so that future readers can be spared the shock and surprise of our literary filth.

And if you haven't read our books (or just don't want to - after all, no one should read this filth) tell us your favorite "disgusting" book in the comments.

Cheers and stay bawdy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Music: Washed Out
Beer: Old Style

108 comments:

  1. Hmm warning labels on books (esp well known ones) seems silly. However, I feel like trigger warnings sometimes have a place on stuff. "Hey, I know this article seems to be about sunshine and kittens, but it's about to get hella fucked up and rapey in here!" I guess I don't ever think they should be required, but are sometimes considerate.

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    1. "Warning, this article contains graphic rape" is definitely a different case than something like, "Warning, this book about slavery contains African-American abuse and the n-word." Well, no shit. And so does a Kanye album, but you don't see anyone labeling those, do you?

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    2. It's too bad though, I have felt personally violated by Kanye West on several occasions. If only I had been warned!!!

      Delete
  2. Books are vile creations given to us by the devil to distract us from our Godly pursuits. Why can't children just play violent video games rather than read those sick tomes of evil!

    Good luck with the price drop. I already have your books, so I won't be buying again unfortunately.

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    1. I feel like this was all one big clever distraction so that college kids can just focus on playing Call of Duty all day long.

      And I'm sorry to hear you own all of our books. You're surely sick enough to classify as a serial killer. Don't be surprised if the feds come looking for you.

      Delete
  3. hahaha I think warning labels would make my kids want to read them more. I'll be stocking up on the books I don't already own. I do like reading filth. As my grandma use to say I like a little book with my smut.

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    1. I hope you also bought a jug of holy water to go with the massive evil you're about to purchase. We'll be sure and thank you profusely when we see you in hell.

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  4. Why stop there? Let's get some labels out for music. "Part of this song may get caught in your head and play in an endless loop." Art: "This may anger you, possibly because you don't understand it and possibly because it a toilet hanging from a wall." The Internet: "Awful terrible misogynistic homophobic vile disgusting pornographic vitriolic… well, you get it.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The Internet - WARNING: may contain swearing, racism, misogyny, death threats, and homophobia.

      "Wow, that's awful. What site is that?"
      "Oh, just the comment section of a CNN news article."

      Delete
  5. I feel a little sorry for the guy who has to do the warning sticker for Thomas Pynchon's "Gravity's Rainbow."

    Or figure out what anybody is doing in "Finnegans Wake."

    Or anything by Hubert Selby, Jr.

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    1. I bet Chuck Palahniuk's would also be a blast.

      Delete
  6. They just want to help the economy, think of the pay those warning label creators will get. Unless they are going to eat the book and it contains gluten, wheat, peanuts, etc. whatever people are allergic too then...warning crass comment coming, they need to go pound sand up their ass.

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    1. I went camping this weekend, and I bought a package of lunch meat for sandwiches. The package said, in huge letters, "Certified Gluten Free!" Oh, this meat doesn't have any flour in it? Wow, that's amazing.

      I love the labeling we do in this country.

      Delete
  7. >>... this book contains slavery and more uses of the n-word than a Lil Wayne concert.

    The "n-word"? What, did you forget how to spell "nome"? And I think perhaps you are confusing 'The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn' with 'The Wizard Of Oz'.

    Ironically though, it was Mark Twain who, upon hearing that his great book was being singled out as inappropriate, stormed into a library and thanked the librarian for seeing to it that his book wasn't placed on a bookshelf in the same structure that housed copies of The Holy Bible - that book with all the "begat'n" in it. Filthy sex-filled Book!

    >>... Beer: Old Style

    What did you do, go to a Chicago Cubs game? (i.e., lose your minds?) Oh, I feel for youz twoz.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Actually, we want camping, and it was a pretty good alternative to river water. I mean, we're still drinking deer piss, but at least it doesn't have all that bacteria in it.

      Also, the n-word was "niggardly." Because Jim was so frugal with his money.

      Delete
  8. I actually love talking about the bad stuff in the bible. It even endorses and has "rules" for slavery which always favor the master. I told a girl about it and she was like, well maybe it means somebody being "mentally" a slave. And I suppose God commands us to "metaphorically" throw rocks at people who upset ancient customs from Judaism.

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    1. As someone who eats shellfish all the time, all I can say is... I hope they serve lobster in hell.

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  9. I don't know, I was thinking 'what a bunch of college babies. . .' Take away the surprises in life, and what's left? Homogenous boredom. What's going to happen to the little darlings who need these warnings when the reality of real life hits them on the head?

    Sorry, what you're doing smells of censorship to me. . . no matter your good intentions. However, Good luck with the sales!

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    1. Good intentions? I don't think that's in our vocabulary. I assure you this is all very backhanded and facetious.

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  10. That bible one is very true but could do with more stickers, lots more!

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    1. I bet the warning sticker for Leviticus would actually be longer than Leviticus itself.

      Delete
  11. Yeah, when labeling the Bible you totally forgot incest and bigamy and wife swapping and killing of innocent children, not to mention self-mutilation for the sake of gods, and scary stuff like the Nile turning into blood, the random death of all first born. Also, you can't very far without finding adultery...should sell well now ;-)

    I think the labeling stuff is ridiculous. What happened to discerning minds? Making informed decisions? Putting down a book which offends you? I think what we need is a little more maturity and a lot less "warnings."
    Yeah, the food thing cracks me up. Um, yeah, I know it's gluten free because it's pure protein, just like I know that twizzlers are a fat free food because they're flower, sugar, water and red...
    I guess it all goes with the dumbing down of our society...which I have no idea how to stop, but meanwhile, I'm going to go buy the books of yours I don't already have and get down to some serious disturbing of my mental well-being. And I'll be thanking you all along the way ;-)
    Tina @ Life is Good
    On the Open Road! @ Join us for the 4th Annual Post-Challenge Road Trip!

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    1. "This food contains flour, sugar, water, and red." I love how something like "red" is an ingredient. Fun fact: if a food's key ingredient is "red," then eating it will probably give you cancer. Or superpowers. Let's find out. I like my odds.

      Delete
  12. I actually have pretty much all your books. I can't say I'm surprised to learn that people want to do such mean things to books. They're actually considering taking Of Mice And Men off the required reading list over here. Not because of the subject matter, but because it was written by an American.

    ....yep.

    They want more British classics to be taught. I'm against that because Of Mice and Men was the only required reading book that I enjoyed.

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    1. Maybe they're just worried that the kids will be confused, since it was written in an American-English accent and the kids will be reading it in a British-English accent.

      Delete
  13. While we're at it let's just labeling people also. Just stamp a sticker in bold print on someone's forehead that says "I'M A DICK" or "I'M A DOUCHE" or even "I WILL RAPE YOUR KIDS AND COOK THEIR LIVERS FOR LUNCH AND SAUTE THEIR NIPPLES FOR DINNER"

    Wait, wouldn't it politically incorrect to label people?

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    1. Ooh, I like that. Really saves time at parties, doesn't it? Then you know who to avoid?

      "WARNING: hardcore vegan that must make it known to everyone"

      "WARNING: outspoken Republican/Democrat that loves to argue"

      "WARNING: cannot hold a conversation but will certainly stare at your wife's breasts for longer than is socially acceptable"

      Delete
    2. Now this is an idea I can really get behind! Make this happen!

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    3. The last one would easily apply to me....that is if your wife's breasts are worthy of a good stare!

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    4. You kiddin' me, man? You think I'd marry anything less than A-class boobs? (And I do NOT mean size A)

      Delete
  14. "I and my myopic, overly-vocal collection of useless garbage humans will ensure no thoughts are challenged by word collections like books. Next stop, encyclopedias!"
    A warning label for Ayn Rand novels ought to red: "May cause douchey notions of social Darwinism and lack of social responsibility. Do not read if you're in your 20's or over 50."

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    1. Hey, who cares about repeating the past when we can just blissfully pretend it never happened?

      Delete
  15. I don't even want to see what kind of labels would have to be placed on all of the classic stories throughout the centuries! "Les Miserables", "Oliver Twist" (One of my personal favorites), "Tess of the D'Urbervilles", "The Count of Monte Cristo", you want I should go on? Oh! Oh! What about good ol' William Shakespeare? Geez! His stuff would need a separate book just to hold all the warning labels!

    As I'm sure you can tell, I am NOT a fan of censorship. If people come across something in a book that offends them so much they can't keep reading, then there is a very simple solution here: CLOSE THE BOOK AND STOP READING IT!!! Seriously, this kind of crap really pisses me off. Why should the bookstore be responsible for protecting your poor little brain from the ickiness that lives in books? I mean, really, come off it!

    Sorry, this is a sensitive issue with me. Apparently it brings out my inner soap box preacher...

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    1. Preach on, girl!

      Frankly, I think being offended by something in a book is an invaluable life skill. Like the topic of slavery. Slavery was awful. Reading about what these people went through and getting enraged by that is GOOD. We SHOULD be enraged by that. It's not like Huck Finn is condoning slavery. Avoiding the topic altogether and just pretending like it never happened isn't going to solve anything.

      I mean, if reading a book and getting upset is too much for you, then you should probably never go anywhere, or do anything, or have anyone in your life whom you love. Because when real life happens, like cancer or a robbery gone wrong or a car crash, boy are you gonna be in for one rude awakening.

      Delete
  16. Labeling has its time and place but should only be done on a private individual basis. Not publicly.

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    1. I feel like most, if not all of these books could be reduced to one label: "Warning, this book contains traces of real life, which is not always fair and doesn't always have a happy ending."

      Delete
  17. Trigger warnings basically sound like spoilers that you stick on the front of books, and what's the point? Blurbs pretty much cover that kind of thing anyway, and if people are that bothered about finding that kind of thing in books, I'm sure they'll read the blurb first.

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    1. "How was I to know this book was about little kids senselessly murdering each other?" he asks, as he holds a copy of Lord of the Flies with a full synopsis printed on the back.

      Delete
  18. I haven't read your books yet (sorry! the sale seems mighty tempting though), but I can already label them for "too cool for you authors" and "possibly not expensive enough".
    There's a lot of filthy literature out there though. All that cis-scum calling themselves writers, somehow getting away with their trigger-filled smut.

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    1. You know, if you were a true fanboy you'd wait until they went back to full price and then buy all of them. Then buy them all in paperback and request we sign them. Then camp outside of our houses at 3 in the morning looking for an autograph.

      But since that's creepy and weird, snag one up while it's 99 cents. You might just like it.

      Delete
  19. Don't forget warning labels for "The Cat In The Hat" (extreme violence and fish abuse), "Green Eggs And Ham" (egg color bigotry and advocates putting foxes in boxes to eat green eggs) and of course, the Dick and Jane books (all they seem to do is make Spot run-what's up with that?).

    We have found the evil and it is lurking in our libraries! Burn the books!

    I do not bring this up to start a partisan politics discussion, but in the 90's when all of liberal America (including the rock artists) embraced the Clintons and the Gores as deities, all I could remember was that Tipper Gore led the charge for the PMRC, which advocated censorship in music lyrics and was responsible for those nice warning labels on CD covers that took up about 25% of the cover. And were essentially as sign to teens saying "BUY ME."

    If parents want to monitor what their children read and listen to, pay attention. Stop turning our country into 1930's Germany.

    And as for protecting these "poor innocent college students..." You gotta be kidding me!. Find me one naive college student, and I'll show you a week one freshman.

    By that age, if we can ship them off to kill people in the name of cheap gasoline, they ought to be able to handle some "Huck Finn" and "Catcher" while waiting for their next issue of "Maxim."

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    1. You know, I'm just more surprised than anything that it's the students who are asking for this and not the school itself. You mean to tell me that a college kid, whose dorm room is one big 24/7 drinking/sex-fest, is offended by the wild cocktail parties in The Great Gatsby and needs a warning for it?

      Also, as two guys who were in high school in the 90s, we definitely remember those awful labels. Those always indicated the GOOD CDs. Because otherwise you were buying the censored version, which wasn't so much music as it was bleeping or silencing every other word. And for those who aren't familiar with that time period, I don't just mean bleeping out the f-word, I'm talking about bleeping things like 'kill' or 'gun' or even just the word 'green' in reference to weed.

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    2. I read right past that this was the students asking for it...wow...my generation has ended up so lame that we've infected this one...Generation Whine.

      Delete
  20. I like it, I'll know exactly which books are the most disturbing, and therefore at the top of my To Read list. Speaking of that, your $.99 books are going to wind up being the ONLY thing I do on vacation next week. Could be worse. Pinning, Tweeting, and whatever you call Google + sharing, the word on your book sale.

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    1. Remember, it's better to spend your vacation reading smut than it is to spend it creating real-life smut.

      Delete
  21. Trigger warnings.... I thought I'd seen it all as far as the let's-walk-on-egg-shells-all-our-lives department was concerned. I was wrong. Someone should put warnings on books that have been trigger warned: "Please still buy this book in spite of this PC trigger warning that wants you to experience no emotion". Idiots. Great post.

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    1. Just like today, we'd use it as a sales angle. "Guaranteed to make you feel up to 25% more emotions than other trigger warning'd books!"

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  22. I think labeling the women's magazines is a great public service. I once glued clothes onto all of my brother's Playboy women. He couldn't even tell on me because he wasn't allowed to have them. Good times; black eyes.

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    1. That is absolutely hilarious. I love it. Another good one that I've heard of (but never tried) is gluing Shrek's face all over the women's heads. Bonus points if he's making a weird expression. Try jerking off to THAT, kid.

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  23. There were so many gems in this post- "tribal flapjack titties" and all. I laughed my way through it. Great work, guys, and excellent point about the Bible. Talk about offensive.

    I would like to warn everyone about Graveyard Shift. The necrophilia in that story was so unexpected, yet so twisted and so vulgar, it left me utterly disgusted yet, strangely, sympathetic. All in all, I'm outraged enough to highly recommend it to everyone except that group of prudish, Amish college students.

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    1. I had a friend in high school who wasn't allowed to read National Geographic because it sometimes had those indigenous tribal titties in there. I don't think his mother understood that those withered windsocks were NOT something you would use to get off.

      Also, thank you truly for the backhandedly kind words. This is the kind of reverse psychology that sells books!

      Delete
  24. Wait! Are you telling me that bad things could happen to me if I read your books? What kinds of things? Because I read all of those, and I'm ready to sue over -anything- that might have happened to me because of it. That case of diarrhea? I'm totally suing!


    Watership Down: Contains bad things happening to fluffy bunnies.

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    1. In this one specific case, I don't think you can actually argue that verbal diarrhea gave you physical diarrhea.

      Delete
  25. I... I can afford ALL the books! Time for a shopping spree!

    Also, I agree that certain trigger warnings can be good, but I don't think it should be done in a way to spoil the book. If something is triggering, I feel that person should take the responsibility of looking online to see if that trigger is in the book. That's what I've always done, anyways.

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    1. Shop til you drop!

      Let us not forget that the same people who usually vote to add trigger warnings to relatively harmless books are the same people who go home at night and read Fifty Shades of Grey.

      Delete
    2. I can shop after I've dropped too! The beauty of the internet.

      That is a good point. Harmless things don't need trigger warnings and people who aren't triggered shouldn't act like they are. It's becoming popular to claim to be triggered by something for attention, which makes me want to punch some bitches in the throat. I think those who actually are triggered are more careful to avoid their triggers anyways. I can see both sides of the argument but I don't think there would even be an argument if so many people weren't attention whore cry babies.

      Delete
    3. You've now made me realize just how many things I've purchased while laying down and I feel like that reaches a new level of laziness that I'm a bit uncomfortable with.

      We too can see both sides of the argument, but it seems like the books they want to label go far beyond something like "please warn me that this book has gratuitous rape in it because I was raped before and that brings back awful memories I don't want to relive." Hey, we totally understand that. But adding trigger warnings to Huck Finn, a book about slavery, indicating that it "contains slavery and the use of the n-word" just seems mind numbingly stupid and obvious. Besides, you're supposed to get offended reading a book like that. Slavery really happened, and it really was awful. We shouldn't ignore history just because parts of it are uncomfortable for us.

      In other words, embrace that white guilt, my honkey friends! Your great, great, great, great granddad did some really fucked up shit.

      Delete
    4. I'm to lazy to be uncomfortable with the level of laziness that I've reached. I might need an intervention.

      Can I quote you on that? Because I just started yelling, "YES EXACTLY SOMEBODY UNDERSTANDS AND MADE IT INTO WORDS".

      Delete
  26. What is the world coming to. Next cats and dogs will live in harmony together

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    1. My cat gets along pretty well with my dogs so I'm pretty sure we're all fucked.

      Delete
  27. Thank you for the chuckle on what has been a long and tedious day. I have always found National Geographic magazine horribly frightening.

    Of course you do realize that this post is the equivalent of literary profiling. Just sayin'.

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    1. All of those poor, disheveled people without access to razors or bras also creep me out.

      Also, this post is not literary in the slightest. Literary implies high brow work with strong merit. This is low, low brow humor for the absolute lowest common denominator (you know, just the way we like it).

      Delete
  28. You mean to tell me you can have sex with a dead body? People are too easily offended I agree. I guess I would need a label on my book. I had a guy throw a baby in the fire! I'm in so much trouble now!!

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    1. According to the Internet you can pretty much have sex with anything. It doesn't even need sex organs.

      Delete
  29. But if we can't make the world pretty and safe for our kids they'll grow up damaged and scared. We have to protect them with goodness, where everything is right in the world, everyone wins, and nothing is ever bad, painful, or difficult. People need these warnings! They shouldn't have to stumble upon discomfort unknowingly! Life is beautiful and struggle free and they should be warned before being subjected to that kind of traumatic literature. I don't see the problem here at all. Maybe it's 'writer's like you who make it necessary for these stickers in the first place?

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    1. I want to be known for writing a book so heinous that the labeling system is actually named after us. Also, that they use the word 'heinous' to describe us. I think it's really an underutilized word in today's writing.

      Delete
    2. Here's to fighting the good fight. Go get 'em!

      Delete
  30. I don't know. I can argue anything.

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    1. I argue that you missed your original comment box and now look like you just showed up to drop a completely random statement about yourself?

      Delete
  31. There's also at least one instance of rape in the bible. As punishment for adultery. Seems fair...

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    1. I'd never cheat on my wife, but if I did, I certainly hope I'm not sentenced to rape.

      Delete
  32. Zombie tigers? MY DAD WAS KILLED BY ZOMBIE TIGERS... No, wait. It wasn't 'zombie tigers." It was "zooming Tiggers." A.A. Milne, why didn't you warn us?

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    1. My father was eaten by Winnie the Pooh. One theory is that he stole Winnie's honey. Another theory is that it was actually an Alaskan brown bear and cartoon bears don't exist. Perhaps we'll never know.

      Delete
  33. This actually seems like a Goid idea. Those college kids who will run the world in a few decades should have their delicate minds protected from the filth in books. Maybe it should be taken even further ( or should that be farther) and we stop teaching children to read altogether. This way they only need to learn what they are told about the world they live in. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. After all we must protect the children.

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    1. I love this idea. That way, kids can just get their news from Facebook and Twitter, as it should be!

      "You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them." - Ray Bradbury

      Delete
  34. There are many things I can't take seriously, but most of all it's the Social Justice Warriors of Tumblr who advocate this kind of stuff.

    /r/tumblrinaction is one of the best subreddits out there, highlighting the banality and minds of those who frequent that cesspool.

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    1. Visiting that subreddit just gave me cancer. And brain damage.

      With that said, no ragrets. Not even one letter.

      Delete
  35. Pretty soon, people under the age of 18 won't be able to enter a bookstore unless accompanied by an adult. It'll be interesting seeing people reading books like The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo in public: WARNING: THIS BOOK CONTAINS GRATUITOUS RAPE. THE READER OF THIS BOOK MUST BE OKAY WITH RAPE.

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    1. That would be a great way to catch rapists, though.

      Police officer: "Look at him, reading that book. He must be okay with rape."
      Police officer #2: "Hey, you sick fuck! You're under arrest!"

      Delete
  36. I so wish you’d have put the warning on Dead and Moaning in Las Vegas before I read it. I was less than a chapter in before the deaths began and I was physically sick over my kindle multiple times. Honestly though this is terrifying, although I could do with warning labels on work emails… x

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    1. I like that.

      Warning: contains forwarded information that is not at all relevant to you or worth scrolling through.

      Warning: unfunny chain e-mail from a coworker who's trying too hard.

      You read Dead and Moaning and puked on your kindle? I feel like that's the greatest compliment anyone could ever pay us. Thank you.

      Delete
  37. I second Workingdan's motion for labeling people. It's faster than getting to know them only to then become disappointed by their personality (or lack thereof).

    As for the "most disgusting" book that I've read, it'll probably be The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling.

    "Warning: book contains drug-use, adolescent sex, a rape scene, coarse language, and a good view on how much people can truly be assholes."

    -Barb

    -Barb

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    1. Based on every complaint I've heard, you can pretty much just label The Casual Vacancy as "WARNING: Not Harry Potter."

      Delete
  38. I'm honestly still reading The Missing Link. I'm about halfway through with it. I'm terrible with books.

    Also, while I definitely hate the idea of labeling books based on potential triggers, I'm totally for the idea of an app that'll tell you if your specific trigger is present. I bet if you guys just happened to make something like that you'd make a bunch of college idiots happy.

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    1. That sounds like a lot of work for something that those savvy college kids would probably just end up pirating from us.

      Delete
  39. I think you're right - there aren't too many books out there that wouldn't need warning labels if it became mandatory to have them.

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    1. I bet even something like Winnie the Pooh would have a label like, "WARNING: contains honey pilfering and a manic depressive donkey."

      Delete
  40. I think you left out a few things on the Bible warning.
    Let's see - CassaStorm has violence, war, racial prejudice, the D-word, and interracial marriage. And since I don't want to offend the extreme liberals, add traditional wholesome family units. (That ought to send somebody screaming...)
    I have most of your books, but will double check - thanks for the sale!

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    1. Hmm, the d-word... Damn? Dick? Douchebag? Dick Cheney?

      How dare you promote interracial marriage. My Mexican wife and I will not tolerate this.

      Delete
  41. Oh no, then the paranormal romance or erotic romance books that I read would have all sorts of warnings. Warning: Contains lethal amounts of huge dongs, vampires biting willing virgins, more orgasms than a john holmes movie and unrealistic vampire fantasy men.

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    1. Lethal amounts of huge dongs? Hah! I like that. I wonder at what point they become lethal? Can a girl actually overdose on dick?

      Delete
  42. Games, movies, and music come with content warnings. Unless you’re against the entire warning system in general (which would be fine I guess. I’ve never found it helpful but then I don’t have kids or psychological disorders) leaving out books just seems mediaist. That’s like racism except with media. I’m not a mediaist, some of my best friends are movies.

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    1. Hey, you wouldn't hear us complain. I'm sure if they slapped a huge "WARNING: explicit content within" sticker on any of our books they'd sell like hotcakes. People love controversy.

      I'm not mediaist. I hate all of them equally. Just look at Twilight, which is a book, a movie, and has a music soundtrack, all of which are awful.

      Delete
  43. How I've missed your comic exploits! Glad to see you guys have honed your skills while I took a break (read: writer's block) from blogging. I like your new graphics: the blackboard, the delicate cartoon characters (yourselves). And I find I still agree with you even tho' I could be your Mommy. kiss kiss

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    1. Welcome back! Good to see you again!

      Hey, we often time agree with our mothers, and we've found them to be cooler and easier to get along with as we age, so that's not a bad thing. And thanks! We've come a long way from glorified stick figures with spiky squiggle hair.

      Delete
  44. One day, this country will be so full of whiney little pansies that someone is just going to walk in and declare themselves dictator, and claim the US for Mother Russia.

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    1. "But I'm offended by the term Mother Russia. It's so matriarchal, and we as a society are offended by the notion of a woman HAVING to be a mother. She should CHOOSE to be a mother."

      Russia: "Oh God, fuck this. I'm out."

      Delete
  45. Great. Now you two are practically forcing me to read your filth just so I can tell you which one is the most disgusting-est of them, err . . . I mean my favorite one. I'll be sure to wear gloves for the one containing zombie tigers. The nerves!

    For mine, I think I'll just say: "WARNING: contains words." Leaving it open to interpretation should cover it all, I think.

    S.K. Anthony: The Mind of a Writer

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    1. I like that.

      "This book offended me strongly."
      "Which part?"
      "The, uh, words. All of them."
      "Well, you were warned."

      For most disgusting I think it's a toss up between Graveyard Shift, The Missing Link, and Dead and Moaning. That helped, right?

      Oh, and don't just wear gloves. Wear a condom. It doesn't matter where you wear it, just trust us on this one.

      Delete
  46. The comments about the Bible were my favorite! There was probably some excessive, un-kosher knob fondling there, too.

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    1. Miss Kitty... did you say "un-kosher knob fondling"? How could that ever be un-kosher?

      Delete
    2. "If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you. It is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell."

      That sounds like some extremely un-kosher knob fondling.

      Delete
  47. Haha amazing. There should be warnings on every book really. I'm reading Grapes of Wrath at the moment and I would have quite liked to know that a) it drags on a bit b) it's about poor people, and c) so far there are no grapes.

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    1. Hah! "Warning: contains poor people."

      I think you just made the 1%'s day.

      Delete
  48. Another hit way outta the ballpark! You've really outdone yourself with these trigger warnings! It would also be nice if every book came equipped with cliffnotes telling us which boring pages to skip in order to get right to the good parts. Looking forward to seeing more of your wonderful books!

    Julie

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  49. Well I think books need warnings for things like unhappy endings, blah & flat endings, confusing endings, etc. By the time I make my way to the end, I want to feel satisfied, gosh darn it! Well, and I guess a 'this books sucks even though crazy people gave it 5 star reviews' warning. That would be nice.

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