So books like The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn would have to say "Warning: this book contains slavery and more uses of the n-word than a Lil Wayne concert." Or Lord of the Flies would have to say, "Warning, this book contains little kids killing each other and sticking things up a pig's ass." Or Of Mice and Men would have to say: "Warning, this book contains the murder/assisted suicide of a really sweet mentally retarded guy," which totally ruins the ending of the book, but isn't that the whole point of trigger warnings? So we don't have to face ourselves with the issue of reading a book that might make us feel something inside?
You might be surprised to find that we totally support this movement, and we completely agree that people should be warned about every little disturbing detail you could find in a book. So, being the proactive authors that we are, the two of us decided to get a jump start on labeling all of those pesky books. All it took was a label-maker and a quick trip to the local bookstore.
And being the staunch supporters of equality that we are, we didn't stop there. We feel it's only fair to put trigger warnings on our own books. But here's the thing. Our books are filthy. Really filthy. So in the spirit of further shaming our outrageously offensive novels, we've decided to put all of them on sale for the next week. From now until next Monday, all of our eBooks are now 99 cents instead of their regular listing price of $5.99, in the hopes that someone would be willing to buy these vile pieces of literary toilet paper.
>>>Dead and Moaning in Las Vegas<<< WARNING: Contains zombies, zombie tigers, death, disembowelment, murder, cannibalism, graphic nudity, and an African-American protagonist.
>>>The Missing Link<<< WARNING: Contains violence, misogyny, fecal matter, big black dicks, hooliganism, trolling, and brief man-on-lizard action.
>>>The Graveyard Shift<<< WARNING: Contains necrophilia, cop killing, child torture, abuse of a corpse, and rampant evidence that the authors are clinically insane.
>>>The Sensationally Absurd Life and Times of Slim Dyson<<< WARNING: Contains the rampant abuse and mistreatment of a mentally imbalanced homeless person
So we invite you to please take these disgusting books off of our hands before any poor college student can be tainted by them and possibly learn something. And we also invite you to come up with trigger warnings of your own if you've already read these so that future readers can be spared the shock and surprise of our literary filth.
And if you haven't read our books (or just don't want to - after all, no one should read this filth) tell us your favorite "disgusting" book in the comments.
Cheers and stay bawdy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan
Music: Washed Out
Beer: Old Style