Monday, June 30, 2014

Much Ado About Soccer

Now that it's World Cup time again, we here at A Beer for the Shower have proudly joined our many millions of fellow countrymen (and countrywomen?) in cheering on team USA as they play this sport that we Americans all love so dearly, soccer. Or football. Or fútbol. Whatever you want to call it.

Some people say that Americans know nothing about soccer, and nor do they really care for it. They think we view it as slow and uninteresting and only jump on the bandwagon around World Cup time, only to forget about it immediately after. But to those naysayers we thumb our noses and present to you the top ten reasons why Americans love soccer.

1. Soccer is so cool it's cold. Fact. That's why everyone in the stands is wearing a scarf.


2. Nothing's more American than watching a soccer game. Getting drunk at 10 in the morning? Yelling drunken instructions to your team, while not understanding any of the technical details of the sport? Then getting into a drop down, knockout fistfight in the stands when your team loses? That's practically the most American afternoon you can have.

3. Running. What better to combat nationwide obesity than a sport devoted to 90 minutes of running back and forth?

4. Jedi Force attacks. Soccer players have the awe-inspiring telekinetic ability to knock a man clear off his feet by merely running past him too closely.





5. Kicking. Not just for Bruce Lee movies anymore, this is 90 minutes of solid ball-kicking action.

6. Every once in a while, a soccer player falls off his broom after taking a bad hit from a Beater.


7. High-scoring action! Don't blink, because if you do, you might miss the game's one and only goal! That's right, if your team won 1-0, then you know you just watched 90 minutes of blistering, nonstop scoring action.

8. We appreciate that the game of soccer is only played once every four years, during The World Cup. And furthermore, the fact that it's never discussed once between cups makes the anticipation all the more unbearable in the interim.



9. Draws. Who doesn't love a good tie? We don't need resolution. Or a sudden death match. We're completely content to be good sports and say, "Both of our teams did well this day and there were no clear winners." It's like the participation medal of the professional sports world.

10. Drinking! Yes, we loosely mentioned it before, but this one is so good it deserves its own bullet point. What other reason could a person have to ditch work and drink at a bar with all of their friends at 10 AM? Football season is over, yes, but fútbol season has just begun! Remember: it's not alcoholism if the rest of the country is doing it with you.

And who doesn't need alcohol when you're watching the nonstop action that is soccer?


So, our fellow Americans, are you enjoying the World Cup as much as we are? Aren't you just so excited to still follow your local soccer team once the World Cup is over and everyone else finally stops pretending like they give a shit about soccer?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: Sigur Ros
Beer: Breckenridge Agave Wheat



103 comments:

  1. If you don't watch and drink now, you'll have to wait until football season to do it. And be on the west coast if you want to do it at ten in the morning.
    Blink and you'll miss the one and only score. So true.
    I admit, the World Cup is like the Olympics. I enjoy it every four years, but that's it.

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    1. Apparently right now it's baseball season, but we just can't bring ourselves to watch nine full innings of "Pitcher throws... strike. Pitcher throws... ball one. Pitcher throws... ball two. Pitcher throws... IT'S A HIT! ... pitcher catches it. Out."

      At that point, the beer just isn't worth it.

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  2. You pretty much nailed the essence of soccer in this post. Most of us Aussies are like you guys, we don't pay a lot of attention most of the time.
    As for our team, yeah well, there is always next time

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    1. That's because Australians are tough as nails. You guys wrestle poisonous snakes, and play rugby, and drink 10 pints of beer the whole time you're doing it. A sport where you can't touch each other, and if you do are required to "take a dive" to fake a penalty on the other guy is practically the most un-Aussie thing one can do.

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  3. As a Brit even I don't give much of a shit about football. I'd like to pretend I hype up the home team when the world cup comes around, but I don't.We didn't even make it out of the first round this time. I expected not much different. I hear the USA is actually pretty good this time around though. For once it's perfectly acceptable to chant "USA! USA! USA!". That can be point number 11 on why the World Cup is a good thing.

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    1. I just think it would be funny if the USA won, if only for the fact that the rest of the world would probably feel insulted that they got beaten by the one nation that really doesn't give a shit about soccer. Also, they call it soccer. Which is apparently frowned upon by everyone not from the USA.

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  4. The Jedi Force is strong during these matches. I distinctly remember seeing a French player get tapped on the shoulder...only to proceed to crumple into a quivering heap on the ground while clutching his leg.

    P.S. Allez, les Bleus! :D

    -Barb

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    1. Those poor French and their papier mache bones. Good on them for still playing despite their severe handicap.

      And I had the power to break someone's leg with a single tap, I wouldn't be playing soccer. No, I'd rule the fucking world.

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  5. I smell sarcasm, funny sarcasm and possibly very true sarcasm!

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    1. It's true, Fran, we Americans are posers. The World Cup comes 'round and suddenly everyone's a soccer fan. Once the USA gets kicked out (I'm assuming we lose) everyone here will forget soccer even existed. At least until another 4 years passes...

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  6. Oh come on! How dare you make a fun of a sport that allows cannibals such as Luis Suarez to play? Name me another sport that allows players to try and eat each other on the pitch!

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    1. Please, I think we all know that boxing's Mike Tyson was cannibalizing opponents while Luis Suarez was still tumblin' around in his mama's womb.

      Delete
  7. I heard about the player from Ghana faking injury to waste time in the match against America. Apparently this isn't even the first time it's happened. It was the same story in 2010.

    If the USA gets to the finals, we might need a prayer. Because a deity pays attention to praying for sport game outcomes. Someone just needs to call Tim Tebow and tell him they need someone to pray at a football game. He'll be in Brazil before the sun goes down.

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    1. If ever there was going to be divine intervention in soccer, it would be God sending hail onto the field and canceling all of the games so everyone's just forced to go home and do something more entertaining. Amen!

      The USA doesn't need God's help. They need Air Bud: Golden Receiver.

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  8. Soccer's a pretty big deal over here in the Netherlands, though I myself don't care much for it. Did see yesterday's game of Netherlands vs Mexico with friends, because they invited me and I never say no to free beer. There were definitely large chunks of the game that were pretty much just running around, watching both teams struggle to get some action going. Kinda boring at times indeed. Guess the huge bonuses those players get for scoring a goal aren't motivating enough? Hah, of course not, they earn bucktons of money as is.

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    1. A lot of athletes get comfortable when they're making a nice paycheck and don't want to lose it. I don't really care for soccer/football, but I love MMA, and that's the same thing. The fights where the guys put everything on the line are exciting. The fights where the guys play it safe and get into boring homoerotic wrestling positions and do absolutely nothing for 15 minutes - absolutely awful. I daresay even more boring than a bad soccer match.

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  9. I am sad to say I still haven't paid attention to soccer. But I have drank at 10 am. Maybe I shouldn't have admitted that last point.

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    1. Why not? I'm drunk right now! And see the time stamp above the comment - fuck yeah America!

      Delete
  10. lmao the one goal thing nailed it. Can't stand sitting there watching it, sooo boring, almost as bad as golf or curling. Only way it beats them is because it happens once every 4 years.

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    1. I'd almost rather get drunk watching curling than watching soccer. At least with curling there's that hilarious sense of sadness as you drink away the boredom.

      Delete
  11. Oh, YES, Soccer is SO-OOO EXCITING!

    "SOMEBODY GET ME A WIENER BEFORE I DIE!!!"

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. And a beer, too, while you're at it?

      "I don't want his beer, or his beer, or his. Or even yours. Do you understand me? I want MY beer. I want MY beer!"

      Delete
    2. Yep! That's how it's done.
      You a quick study, 6-B!

      ~ D-FensDogg

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  12. You forgot grass stains. Now that just makes you want to cheer

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    1. But how can I pay attention to grass stains when I'm too busy watching the grass grow?

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  13. I know I know our football lacks the whole ad breaks every five minutes...I mean we only have a break every 45 minutes - so I do understand that it comes across very boring...wait I don't even watch football...go Germany?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. But if we don't have 5 minute ad breaks then how will I know what beer to buy? Or what pants to wear? I can't leave the house without pants, and TV understands this.

      Delete
  14. The only way I'd watch soccer is if they gave them all skates, sticks and helmets and made them play hockey at the local ice rink. Soccer is for pussies. There, I said it. That's why Canada doesn't even BOTHER trying to qualify to play in the World Cup.

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    1. Good for Canada. We're hockey fans too, and seeing someone get mildly tapped and then fall over in fake agony makes me seethe with rage. The kind of rage that makes me want to relive that great brawl with the Avs/Red Wings when even the goalies got into it. Now THAT'S a fucking sport!

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  15. Don't forget the crazy high levels of mega racism. Until Euro-trash can manage to not throw bananas at black players or have the entire stadium erupt into ape noises whenever a black player touches the ball, (it's true, check YouTube), I'll stick with table tennis, a man's sport.
    Oh and really bad haircuts. North America may have popularized the mullet, but Central and South America perfected it.

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    1. As America is the land of equal opportunity, I think we should have our supporters throw bags of Saltine Crackers at all of the white players.

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  16. We were in Paris the last time the World Cup was played and hubs grabbed an England shirt, before that we were in Miami (South Beach) 2006 and it was all about the South American teams. In Key West the same year, nobody cared. Semi-'island' frame of mind.
    Observations:
    Amazing how the pain can travel from one part of the body to another distant part. What an elbow can do. . .; super bright yellow shoes, manly hugs, drama when dissing the other team to the refs, and generally having a manly time. All that male sweat is supposed to calm us females, or entice us, one or the other. . .

    It's good to see North America represented by the US since Canada didn't make it.

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    1. Canada was too busy guzzling beer and playing hockey and starting bar fights and riding moose and other epic manly things that soccer just can't handle.

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  17. Ah yes. Soccer. You know if you guys want to see some truly excellent scoring action, just come and watch my son's soccer games. His team manages to get annihilated every time they play. Seriously, it's like every 2 minutes there's another goal that the other team scores against them. It gets pretty sad. I would literally lose count before the game was even half over. I'm pretty sure that the record was something like 30-0, though. Not exaggerating. And, since my son isn't into masochism, this year was his last year in the sport. He wants to move on to something else, and I can't say I blame him. I mean, he gave it 2 years, and he just kept getting stuck on the same crappy team, with the same crappy coach.

    That's what's tough about going through the city recreation center. They don't care that we live in a part of the city that seems to produce all the smallest kids in the state. I swear, some of the teams we got matched up against had players twice the size of our kids! What are they feeding those kids on that side of town, anyway?

    Maybe we can find him a good water polo team somewhere...

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    1. Is this one of those small town soccer conspiracies where the other team wants to win so badly that they hire freshmen in high school with nothing better to do, disguise them as elementary school kids, and then have them obliterate the other team?

      "I'm concerned about your team, captain. The forward has a full beard."
      "He's an early bloomer, that one."
      "He's in first grade."
      "Yes, and already reading at a second grade level!"

      Delete
    2. Yep, that's exactly how it is. Actually, one of the administrators for the program is also a coach. Her team NEVER loses. And who do you think is involved in choosing the "kids" on her team? Exactly! I'm pretty sure a few of her players were in the last Summer Olympics!

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  18. Thank you for explaining it to me! I'm American but I didn't understand the big deal until just now. Now I can be American with the rest of the country.

    GO TEAM USA
    BEER
    BOOBS
    MCDONALDS
    'MERICA

    ReplyDelete
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    1. ALSO BUD LIGHT
      BIG PICKUP TRUCKS
      MORE BOOBS
      DIABEETUS
      FUCK YEAH 'MERICA

      Delete
  19. Drinking at 10:00 in the morning. Well, I guess you have to do something while you watch twenty-year-olds run back and forth across a field. ;0)

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    1. I think slowly and systematically releasing lions onto the field would drastically increase how interesting the gameplay is.

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  20. I loved The Simpsons clip. Isn't it interesting how an announcer can make anything sound exciting? I don't watch soccer. I do think that running up and down the field would be good for me and I would probably lose that ten pounds I constantly moan and groan about... well, not constantly, but you get the idea.

    Larry over at BACK IN THE USSR just posted about soccer recently and the player who bit another player. Not this guy's first biting offense. What is it with these guys????

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    1. Apparently they're channeling Mike Tyson's poor sportsmanship while not channeling any of his strength or toughness?

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  21. You almost had me at "drinking" until I remembered I've almost perfected the often-clandestine hobby of Daydrinking. Without having to watch people run back and forth, which could potentially end in a TIE. I would rather throw half a granola bar in the middle of my 2 toddlers and host the "Baby Hunger Games." Almost as much kicking, twice as much biting and like Mad Max "2 Man Enter, One Man Leave" I should really video record this event.

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    1. Unlike soccer, I'd watch that in a heartbeat. Throw in some fun, wacky weapons like Nerf brass knuckles and styrofoam bats and I bet you'd have one adorable, action packed fight to the death.

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  22. Not sure if you saw the post on my non-music blog, but I lost all respect for soccer when the Serial Biter hit the news last week.

    Biting should have gone out the window by grade school. Any sport where a player would step on the field with a player who bites...I just can't take it seriously.

    No matter how much I drink.

    Maybe if I moved to Colorado and smoked some weed I'd find it funny (of course then I'd find everything funny).

    LC

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    1. I did see that post. Blogger's been giving me troubles lately and I'm not sure if my comments are going through on your blog. If you see this comment, let me know, will you?

      Regardless, my favorite part is that he's now saying he didn't bite the other guy. He's saying he fell, and with his mouth open he landed teeth first into the guy's shoulder.

      Naturally.

      I bet this is the same guy who cheats on his wife and said he slipped and fell into another woman's vagina. Whoopsy daisy!

      http://msn.foxsports.com/soccer/story/luis-suarez-tells-fifa-panel-that-he-did-not-bite-giorgio-chiellini-062814

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  23. I can tell you another sport where the "fans" (parents) get drunk at 10am: girls softball. Seriously, they put a drinking ban against the teams in my daughter's grouping because too many of the parents (fathers) were already sloshed by the time the first game was over (they start games around 9am).

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I feel like getting drunk at your little girl's softball game at 9 in the morning is hitting rock bottom, but I also feel like some other scab of society would come along immediately after, say, "Hold my beer," and put even that to shame.

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  24. There are a lot of people in the UK that follow their football teams every season, especially the fans of Manchester United. I was surprised when Google America had the World Cup animations up. I thought "Why, what pretentious twits they are", acting like they give a shit about football in their country. But you know Lord Google, he's sooo sophisticated in his tastes.

    Dudes, I've had a series of minor gardening mishaps that resulted in some rather comic trips to casualty this month so I've not been around much. I hope to be back to normal soon. Well my kind of normal anyway :0)

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    1. Yeah, I saw that Google World Cup animation and just rolled my eyes. You say pretentious twits, I say pretentious twats. You say potato, I say potato. You know how it goes.

      No worries about not being around too much. Don't impale yourself on the garden sheers and especially don't let yourself become normal.

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  25. For me, it's fútbol. Growing up in a Spanish country during these times . . . AND the in between cups season, totally makes me feel good that I'm skipping it. I've had enough to hold me off for at least the next two World Cups, then I suppose I shall join in the 10 a.m. drinking. Oh heck, I can still join now even if I don't watch it, right? The whole country is doing it anyway :P

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    1. We've been drinking all week and haven't watched a single World Cup game between the two of us. Viva la cerveza!

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  26. Ha. I like the little scarf joke. It is a pity only the necks are cold. I hope there rest of them does not freeze.

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    1. With all of that running and falling and acting injured, I'm sure they keep warm.

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  27. The World Cup in 14 seconds... I'm still laughing a day later!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C058wv48oms

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    1. That was awesome. I could watch those stupid minions and their antics for hours. I've already sat through two of their movies. Meanwhile, I can't watch a single soccer match. I just can't. Take from that what you will.

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  28. I tried to watch one of the matches. I made it about 30 minutes into the game. Well, it felt like 30 minutes, anyway. It was actually only 3 minutes. I then figured I'd organize my sock draw instead. The time passed a lot quicker.

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    1. I find if you stop watching the actual game and just watch the grass growing behind it you'll be a lot more entertained. The last game I watched - .01 mm. WOW!

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  29. I don't watch sports. I know, I know..what? never liked them.

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    1. Good for you! You're not missing one. Damn. Thing.

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  30. I actually love the game, even if it is factually correct to state the following:

    You are more likely to be bitten by Luis Suarez than a shark.

    Also, if you hadn't heard of Bo Nielsen before you drew the picture of Brandon's complete disregard for B-Diddys safety with his deadly ninja flicking skills I am super impressed.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRPrrLdPhoE

    Diving? What diving? Such outragious allegations.

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    1. Dammit, that clip is so perfect I wish we'd found that when we were searching for diving clips. That would have accompanied our 'flicking the ear' gag perfectly. And for the record, no, I had no idea that was a real thing. We just thought, "What's the lamest way you could get someone to reel over in pain?" Ah, I know, lightly flicking their ear!

      BTW, I love how they always cover their eyes, like even if they DID get kicked really hard or pushed really hard, it somehow gouged out both their eyes.

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    2. My favourite is the way the get back up unsure if they will ever walk again, then suddenly they are sprinting. It's a modern day miracle.

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    3. They need to teach our sissy American football players what's up, then, because when one of our guys gets tackled really hard they have to get carried off the field... like a little bitch.

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  31. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who couldn't care less about the soccer/football event thing. I loved the Simpsons clip! And I found myself nodding in agreement with so many of the comments. Ah, America. Land of pickup trucks, obese people in spandex, boobs, and diabetes, though around our house, we call that "The 'Beetus." None of that running around stuff for us.

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    1. Running is highly overrated. You can't run from "The Beetus." You can only walk away from it slowly until you run out of breath and it invariably catches you. Puff puff, wheeze wheeze. Pass the insulin, please?

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  32. You lot have it good, in England football is the be all and end all. I've been a football widow since September. I wouldn't mind, but England got knocked out in the first round x

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    1. Well, on the plus side, you only have to wait another 3 years and 11 months before England gets another shot?

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  33. But what about the hot legs?! And cute butts? Those are some highly important reasons to watch

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    1. Food for thought: just because a hot girl's wearing a bikini doesn't mean I'll sit and watch her mow the lawn all day. At a certain point the boredom of the activity negates any hotness the person brings to the table.

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  34. USA isn't looking good against Belgium. And that's about all I know about soccer. Must be time for a beer :)

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    1. Make mine a Belgian beer. It's not just soccer they're good at. ;)

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  35. Well my kids both play soccer. My daughter got a full ride scholarship for it. Does it mean I am in love with it? Ummmm...no. But it really isn't that bad. For instance we just spent the weekend on the beach at Lake Michigan watching soccer in the sand which is a beach soccer tourney. and did I mention 18-21 year old hard body girls wearing tight shorts and skimpy tops. I was loving soccer so much this weekend I didn't even know there was other sports!

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    1. For "skimpy, hard bodied girls on the beach" give me volleyball over soccer any day.

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  36. About the only think I find remotely interesting about soccer are the little shorts some of the European teams wear.

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    1. I feel like if you only find the right guy and ask him to wear those short shorts that he'd be willing to do things much more fun than play soccer for 4 hours.

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  37. Well, the US didn't win today 2-1 but, that one goal was great!!!

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    1. And I'll happily take your word for it, as we didn't watch a single minute of it.

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  38. I've only been hearing bits and pieces about the games, because my family has been following it. If both of you were in the announcer booth, then I'd really want to watch the games! A score for the win!

    Julie

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    1. I think we all know that the two of us would last about 3 minutes in the announcer booth before we were dragged out by security for excessive mockery and profanity.

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  39. That first clip reminded me of Marsha in The Brady Bunch, "Oh my nose!" But that was a real football, not this strange futball.

    I'm so glad it's over. The most I watched soccer was in the Simpson clip you so graciously provided. I was so tired of people posting about soccer on Facebook. Not once did these people mention it until the USA had a chance at getting the cup (that is what they win, right? Maybe it's a subscription to Sports Illustrated.) Either way, I'm glad it's over.

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    1. My favorite Facebook posts were the ones that were like, "Wow, apparently we don't want to play defense now" or "we need to be on the attack" or other such nonsense from people who've never watched more than 2 soccer matches in their lives.

      I don't think they win a subscription to Sports Illustrated, because that magazine's reserved for important sports like football and basketball.

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    2. I literally laughed out loud - SI is for "real" sports. Yeah buddy!

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  40. hahahahaha! I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks it's boring.

    Item #7 is SO TRUE!

    My sons played soccer as little dudes. We loved going to those games because it was all youngins running back & forth across a mini-soccer field, sometimes towards the wrong goal, but they would always be exhausted by games end which, for us parents, was heaven.

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    1. "Awww, Team USA is gonna sleep SOOO good tonight." - Team USA's mother

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  41. The second half of yesterday's World Cup match made for amazing TV while I sucked down a few beers in a very communal gathering. And our goalie? Holy moley! I've got a new hero.

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    1. Tim Howard can save a lot of things, but he can't save soccer's longevity in America now that the World Cup is over for us.

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  42. As a European, I grew up with soccer and found American Football strange. I got over that. I'm a die-hard Bronco fan, and have loved football since 7th grade when I was first introduced.

    Your top ten was very amusing. And of course I'll take any excuse to drink at 10 am.

    I'm just wondering though about your whole premise that America only cares about soccer during the world cup...where did the term soccer mom come from then? What about all those fields full of people playing soccer every evening and all day every weekend? What about my neighbor who has four kids on 6 teams and her husband coaches two teams, only one of them that his child is on? (The kids are so good they go "fill in" when they finish with their elite team on teams in their age group but not their stellar playing ability). I must have had too many 10 am beers and imagined that whole thing ;-)
    Didn't watch any World Cup because Sweden didn't make it. Not that I'm bitter or anything. Don't worry, I still drank beer but had to wait until a respectable hour...like 3 pm when that day's version of FAC starts.
    Tina @ Life is Good
    On the Open Road! @ Join us for the 4th Annual Post-Challenge Road Trip!

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    1. Well, the main idea that was America doesn't care about mainstream soccer. I mean, when was the last time you watched a Colorado Rapids game? Or knew anyone who had? Also, apparently we have a Lacrosse team that's fairly popular, but I still don't know anyone who watches or supports them. Maybe it's a conspiracy and lacrosse doesn't really exist?

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  43. I'm English, and I hate football. I really don't understand what's so interesting about it. Plus, you know, our teams suck. My boyfriend made money betting against England; that's how much faith we have.

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    1. Making money trumps supporting a team you don't care about any day. Besides, I'm pretty sure those millionaire footballers aren't really losing any sleep over the small chunk of change your boyfriend made.

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  44. I hate soccer; The Simpson clip really sums it up. The only good thing to come out of it is foosball!

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    1. Now if we could only attach all of them to giant rotating sticks and then have people in the stands control those sticks, I bet we'd have a LOT more soccer fans. Us included.

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  45. Ooops, I totally accidentally forgot to watch all the games, and now USA is out...oh wells. I'll get updates from people yelling on facebook.

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    1. "Boo hoo, I'm so sad we lost," says random friend on Facebook. Ask him about it 3 days later and he'll say, "Wait, what's a World Cup again?"

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  46. I read a book about the soccer riots in Europe years ago. I don't know that we could get that excited about such an energetic sport here - too much running. But I do have a number of friends who would kick balls for free, if you're really into it before 2018.

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    1. I never understood soccer riots. You don't see hockey riots. Or football riots. Or curling riots. And those sports are all 10x more aggressive than soccer.

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  47. Although I love (American) football, I know virtually nothing about soccer. I tried watching it but I never really "got it". I think it either grabs you or not. And I'm a not. :)

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    1. I don't think any sport where you can't use your hands or arms can really 'grab' you.

      Ba dum tish?

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  48. Well, there is a kind of sudden death now, but I completely understand how the bandwagon could make people sick. Since I understand the technicalities and am not an all American guy, I enjoy it for the sake of the sport.

    Now for those boring 1-0 matches that have been coming up all too often, the best drinking game is a shot for every scoreless 10 minutes, and a shot country-related liquor (or otherwise..) for every goal on behalf of the team you root for. Jagermeister for Germany, Heineken for The Netherlands, a sniff of Cocaine for Columbia, etc.

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    1. If anyone could make soccer fun for an American, we knew it'd be D4. I'm sure soccer's fun to watch if you've grown up with it. It's like hockey is for us here. We love the shit out of it, but show it to someone from South America and they'd probably ask, "Why the fuck are these white guys all just skating around? It's 1-0 and they've already played for 2 hours. What the fuck am I watching?"

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  49. For some reason, 'soccer' sounds so much more exciting than 'football'.

    And you definitely manage to make scarves look fetching.

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  50. I only love a good tie that comes with a good suit. Enough said. Back to work.

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