Some people say that Americans know nothing about soccer, and nor do they really care for it. They think we view it as slow and uninteresting and only jump on the bandwagon around World Cup time, only to forget about it immediately after. But to those naysayers we thumb our noses and present to you the top ten reasons why Americans love soccer.
1. Soccer is so cool it's cold. Fact. That's why everyone in the stands is wearing a scarf.
2. Nothing's more American than watching a soccer game. Getting drunk at 10 in the morning? Yelling drunken instructions to your team, while not understanding any of the technical details of the sport? Then getting into a drop down, knockout fistfight in the stands when your team loses? That's practically the most American afternoon you can have.
3. Running. What better to combat nationwide obesity than a sport devoted to 90 minutes of running back and forth?
4. Jedi Force attacks. Soccer players have the awe-inspiring telekinetic ability to knock a man clear off his feet by merely running past him too closely.
5. Kicking. Not just for Bruce Lee movies anymore, this is 90 minutes of solid ball-kicking action.
6. Every once in a while, a soccer player falls off his broom after taking a bad hit from a Beater.
7. High-scoring action! Don't blink, because if you do, you might miss the game's one and only goal! That's right, if your team won 1-0, then you know you just watched 90 minutes of blistering, nonstop scoring action.
8. We appreciate that the game of soccer is only played once every four years, during The World Cup. And furthermore, the fact that it's never discussed once between cups makes the anticipation all the more unbearable in the interim.
9. Draws. Who doesn't love a good tie? We don't need resolution. Or a sudden death match. We're completely content to be good sports and say, "Both of our teams did well this day and there were no clear winners." It's like the participation medal of the professional sports world.
10. Drinking! Yes, we loosely mentioned it before, but this one is so good it deserves its own bullet point. What other reason could a person have to ditch work and drink at a bar with all of their friends at 10 AM? Football season is over, yes, but fútbol season has just begun! Remember: it's not alcoholism if the rest of the country is doing it with you.
And who doesn't need alcohol when you're watching the nonstop action that is soccer?
So, our fellow Americans, are you enjoying the World Cup as much as we are? Aren't you just so excited to still follow your local soccer team once the World Cup is over and everyone else finally stops pretending like they give a shit about soccer?
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Music: Sigur Ros
Beer: Breckenridge Agave Wheat