Monday, June 9, 2014

Beer it Forward

Recently our good friend Jay Bird held a contest. A contest that we somehow won. And rather than just send us a simple prize, she went way above and beyond and sent us a package overflowing with awesomeness and kindheartedness. It was enough to chisel away at our withering black hearts, and it inspired us to do something nice of our own.

So this week we decided we'd beer it forward. What does this mean? Well, it means we're holding a raffle, and two lucky winners will receive a special Mystery Box from us, full of awesome mystery goodies.


What's in either box? We can't tell you. And that's half the fun. I guess you just have to trust us.

Maybe it's a box full of kittens.


...in which case we probably shouldn't mail it through the US Post Office.*


*Seriously, if your package has to absolutely get there... some time, and you don't care if it looks like it got dropped down a flight of stairs, then we highly recommend the US Postal Service.

Maybe it's a punch in the face!



Well, because we don't want a lawsuit on our hands, we can tell you with certainty that it is NOT a punch in the face.

Maybe it's a participation medal...


...made from the viscera of the other participants!


Whatever it is, just know that we're 100% serious about this and this is NOT some way of trolling you. We will not send you anthrax, or a box full of Justin Bieber CDs, or a jar of dog farts.

In other words, don't expect this.

No comic necessary; this woman's expression speaks volumes

What we can promise you is an assortment of unique and thoughtful awesomeness from our two creative minds. This means a few gifts, some goodies, and some original creations that are personalized by us, just as our way of saying thanks for supporting the blog and our writing in any way, shape, or form over the years. And if you hate us, well, then you get something free for having to put up with our shit. Everybody wins!

Entering is simple. Just use the widget below to enter, and connect via Facebook or e-mail (this doesn't steal your information or your soul, this is simply so we can contact the two winners).


Then you can earn raffle entries through 5 different ways, and yes, that means multiple entries are allowed. Which also means that the more you enter, the more likelihood you have of winning. And they said elementary school math would never pay off.

1. Tell us your best dirty joke or limerick. This is worth 1 entry.

2. Tell us how you found our blog or met us. Preferably in the style of a cheesy 1980s romantic comedy movie. This is worth 1 entry.




3. Draw us in whatever style you like (stick figures even count) and e-mail it to us. This is worth 3 entries, and if awesome enough, we'll feature it on our blog when we announce the winners.

4. Like our fan page on Facebook. This is worth 3 entries, and yes, if you already Like us, you can still get your 3 entries.


5. Leave a quick Amazon review for any of our 4 collaborative novels. It doesn't have to be anything more than 2-3 sentences; just a quick few words on what you thought about them. These are worth 5 entries each, and absolutely count if you've already left one in the past (you rock!).

These are worth the most because Amazon reviews are invaluable to us, and the more we have, the more Amazon shows our books to random people, which helps us with our writing careers. It also helps us continue to run this blog ad free... because just like you, we fucking hate ads.


Yeah, that's hilarious, right? Just say no to ads. Say yes to a few Amazon reviews if you can spare the time.

The two lucky winners will be announced in 2 weeks (Monday, June 23rd) and will receive their Mystery Box within 2-3 days (unless sent through the US Post Office, in which case if it's not dropped in a gutter somewhere it will arrive in 2-3 weeks, with boot prints on it, the box will be crushed, and half the contents will be missing).


a Rafflecopter giveaway

Good luck!

Cheers and stay mysterious, folks,
B&B

Beer: Lagunitas IPA
Music: Peter Gabriel

127 comments:

  1. I didn't know Toyota made Yodas...
    I'll start with how we met. No idea. I remember finding your blog four years ago when we were both starting out with one-two hundred followers. Probably saw your comment on another blog. Or I was suckered in with the promise of beer. Something like that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If we were married, you would so be in the dog house right now. I bet you don't even remember our anniversary, do you?

      And hey, we can finally deliver on the promise of beer! ... Maybe.

      Delete
  2. I tell you what; If I win, I'll drive up to Denver and you can pay me in beer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We will hold you to that, as a Blogger comment is a legally binding contract. Just ask my wife. We married through Blogger, and no, it was not intentional, but we're stuck with it and we're just trying to make the best of it.

      Delete
  3. I bet its an empty box, here have some fresh air! lol or stale air. But hey at least the cat would appreciate the box. Stupid friggin amazon won't let me review any books any more for some reason, they keep deleting them when i try and put new ones up. How we met? Ummm errr ummm didn't you promise never to share that story? Cats everywhere might revolt if they heard it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you embarrassed of our story? Because it's really quite sweet. Well, except for the part with the sweaty fat guy with the walking farts, but I still feel like it adds to the overall story.

      Delete
    2. What? And you failed to mention the monopoly board?

      There once was a man named Bill,
      Who pissed off the owner of a saw mill.
      They found his head in the sea,
      And oh golly gee,
      His nuts in a tree in Brazil.

      Delete
    3. A brazil nuts joke! I like that!

      Ba-zing!

      Delete
  4. I tried. (Photoshop's acting up and I haven't drawn shit in ages, so eh.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not only did you draw us (really well, with shading), but you mocked us. And hosted it, thereby doing all of the work. I don't think we could have asked for more. Our little fanboy is growing up so fast. *sniffle*

      Delete
    2. I only just now realized I fucked up and spelled camaraderie wrong. Well, I didn't even bother looking up the correct spelling, so I get what I deserve. I feel like such an illiterate idiot now though.
      (also I almost forgot to enter for my three tickets. 3/65 chance currently, I think you might as well send me the mystery prize box right now.)

      Delete
    3. I'd say the artwork more than made up for a slight misspelling. I guarantee you that I can't spell that word without consulting a dictionary first.

      And you may be an illiterate idiot, but you're an illiterate idiot with a 1/20 chance of winning. Who's laughing now?

      Delete
  5. First, the joke.

    This man and his wife are outside working. He is in the vegetable garden while she is bent over tending the roses. He notices how wide she has become and yells to her, "You know honey, your ass is as big as our barbecue grill." Not believing she heard him correctly, she asks him to repeat what he said. He did. And she did (hear it correctly). In the style of women everywhere, she says nothing but waits for revenge. Later that night, they are lying in bed and he snuggles up to her and says, "Honey, give me some sugar."

    She says, "You think this Big-Ass Barbecue Grill is going to get all fired up for just ONE LITTLE WIENER?!?!?!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's times like this that I wish we could give this joke additional entries. That was awesome. Thank you.

      Delete
  6. Second, the meet.

    I was going to tell you (in the style of a cheese romatic 80s movie) but then thought better of it. I have your clip saved in my Favorites for my HERE'S TO YOU post on Thursday. Make sure you come visit. (You really should have predicted this one. You can't ask for an 80s style meet cute and not expect a clip.)

    Third, I signed up for the drawing, but I have NO IDEA if I can actually draw anything. I will make an attempt on one of these dratted computer programs and see what happens. If it is a total bust, I will remove myself from the Drawing Portion of this contest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We'll be there. And you never know till you try, right? I'll even give you a tip on how to draw me (Bryan), or at least this is how I do it.

      1. Draw the outline for a fully cooked ham. This will be the head
      2. For the hair, pretend like you're a 3 year old drawing what grass should look like
      3. Make sure the eyes are dead inside and lifeless.
      4. Sideburns, sideburns, sideburns. The bigger, the better. Like Martin Van Buren style.

      That helped, right?

      Delete
  7. Do I get something if I guess the eventual winners correctly?

    I'm guessing flip and Pickleope.

    And it's not because I have weighted the balls with their names on them any differently than the other balls.

    There ARE balls involved in this, right?

    Because I'm picturing one of those machine with the balls bouncing around and some woman in a gown reaching in to grab them. And she grabs the ones that say "flip" and "Pickleope.

    I am pretty sure that a dream analyst would say that this vision means I'm not gay anymore.

    Go flip!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you're imagining that flowy-gown woman, then you're definitely still gay. Also, we have no women helping us with this in the slightest, and you're implying that we're going to award 2 guys the prize, meaning that perhaps we should question our own sexuality.

      Delete
  8. Good luck to everyone entering!

    I would love to but the apartment managers don't know I live here or they would charge more for rent. So I can't have stuff sent in boxes because it goes through the office. At Christmas, they stopped my boyfriend like, "You're getting an awful lot of boxes this year. Anything you want to tell us?" He just said that his friends really loved him, paid rent, and left.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, that's the kind of comment that makes me want to send you something anyway, just to mess with you.

      If you DO enter (which you should), we can always address the package to your boyfriend. We're sneaky like that.

      Delete
  9. Bet it's a contest for US contestants only if you're mailing a box of goodies. . . otherwise please advise. Who doesn't like a box of goodies, then I wondered what 'goodies' come from your area, hmmm.

    Good luck with the draw and getting more reviews!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nope, it's open to EVERYONE, otherwise we would have specified US only. We're happy to spring a little extra for international shipping. And our area has plenty of goodies. Wait, that sounded wrong...

      Delete
    2. Ok, thanks for including us 'north of the 49th-ers' and other international friends. There is nothing wrong with what was said about 'plenty of goodies', since you didn't define 'goodies'. . . it's best not to.

      I'll probably write something. . . hmmm.

      Delete
    3. "Dainty Canadian female discovers hot new blogger site for wild American ways. . ." (dainty=a person of delicate sensibilities)
      I can't forget how we met: I came looking for something to make me smile, after reading whiny blogs, sad blogs, and sorry-I-haven't-posted-in-a-while blogs. I smirked at the jokes that reminded me of my little bro' (three years younger). So, I thought, these guys look at the 'wild' side of life, for sure. . . I mean it's Colorado for heaven's sake, didn't Hunter S. live there? Maybe it's time I read something more decadent than literary classics, and Paris stuff. (I mean how many bloggers do I know who study dumpster divers and their habits and even show visuals to corroborate their findings? Perhaps I could learn this trick of drinking beer in the shower, but could I use beer from Le Voltaire, the restaurant in Paris?)

      So, approximately a year ago maybe two, I decided to follow the wisdom of BITS (Beer In The Shower). . . and since then I've dropped by often when the title makes me wonder (OMG-what now?) You never disappoint and it keeps me humble, or at least amuse.
      That's one entry, right? I'll think about the drawing bit.

      Delete
    4. Ooops, that's Beer For the Shower, there goes the acronym. . . well at least I got the two nouns right.

      Delete
    5. That definitely counts, and the acronym doesn't matter, so long as you know it's us.

      Oh, and we insist you take a good beer in the shower with you. Forget Bud Light or Coors Light or that other beer flavored shower water... we're beer snobs. Make mine a La Fin Du Monde.

      Delete
  10. I love an excuse to draw other bloggers.........

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You ever needed an excuse?

      ...We're listening.

      Delete
  11. You guys are too friggen funny. I broke my hand so typing is hard but I had to say howdy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I saw the pictures on FB - ouch! Oh, and howdy!

      Delete
  12. P.S. It's been 4 years....I can't remember how I met you but it was through blogger for sure

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't quite remember who found who, but I'm sure it was magical and full of rainbows and puppies and lots of slow motion running and 80s ballads and other disgustingly cheesy things.

      Delete
  13. BEER BOYS...

    >>... 1. Tell us your best dirty joke or limerick. This is worth 1 entry.

    Well, somewhere around here is one I wrote about a former boss, whom I disliked immensely. It started out with “Nantucket...” but now I can’t find the thing. (It’s around here somewhere, but by the time I locate it the contest will probably be over. It WAS pretty funny though!)

    So here’s a weaker “Nantucket” limerick I invented:

    THERE ONCE WAS A MAN FROM NANTUCKET
    WHO PLACED LOTS OF CORN IN A BUCKET
    BUT THE FARMER SAID, “BEFORE YOU CAN TRUCK IT,
    YOU’LL HAVE TO SHUCK IT”.
    SO THE MAN TOLD THE FARMER TO . . .
    show him how it’s done ‘cause he ain’t never shucked no corn before.


    >>... 2. Tell us how you found our blog or met us. Preferably in the style of a cheesy 1980s romantic comedy movie. This is worth 1 entry.

    Sorry, but... “Love means never HAVING to say...” something cheesy.

    I found your blog after FarAwayEyes introduced you to my blog. You wrote:

    A Beer for the Shower said...
    I'm here because of Faraway Series, and I have to say, this was an incredible read. I'm a young fella with an old soul, so I've seen a good amount of MASH episodes, and it's amazing to know the back stories behind everything. Also, I have to say, I'm happy to know there's no dirt. I was captivated by the story of the guy doing his best to make his small, albeit important scenes count. I'm not interested in who was dating whom or who was rude to whom or what have you. I want a real story, not a TMZ story, and that's exactly what I got.

    So... this big drawing commissioned for Gary Burghoff. What was the drawing of, anyhow?
    February 27, 2012 at 7:42 AM

    The first part of my reply to you went like this:

    Stephen T. McCarthy said...

    A BEER FOR THE SHOWER ~
    First, I wanna tell ya that I LOVE the name of your blog!

    "A Beer For The Shower"... Ha! It's been a long time, but back in my wild youth there was more than a couple times when I drank a beer in the shower.

    There was something truly special about that sensation of cold beer going INTO me while simultaneously, hot water was cascading down ONTO me. I remember that stuffs, Brother!

    >>...I'm here because of Faraway Series

    Wasn't that something, what she wrote? Dude, how does ANYONE live up to that? I felt honored, and embarrassed, and unworthy all at the same time. But I will add that it really meant something to me, coming from a person I'm more and more beginning to view as genuinely "unique" - a real individual in a sea of sheeple. [...]

    >>... 3. Draw us in whatever style you like (stick figures even count) and e-mail it to us. This is worth 3 entries, and if awesome enough, we'll feature it on our blog when we announce the winners.

    Well, I can draw a little bit, but I don’t know how to do it on a computer. Maybe I’ll find time to put something on paper, photograph it and Email it.

    >>... 4. Like our fan page on Facebook. This is worth 3 entries, and yes, if you already Like us, you can still get your 3 entries.

    I don’t do Facebook because I don’t want that creep stroking his “peenuts” while ogling my picture!

    >>... 5. Leave a quick Amazon review for any of our 4 collaborative novels. It doesn't have to be anything more than 2-3 sentences; just a quick few words on what you thought about them. These are worth 5 entries each, and absolutely count if you've already left one in the past (you rock!).

    I hate Amazon – I have sworn eternal vengeance until the day I die, and for many centuries thereafter. But... maybe I can overlook my hatred long enough for one review. (Heck, I did it for a couple o’ cartoon books by a friend of mine whom I met in 1986. So... maybe I’ll give that some thought.)

    Yak Later, Beer Brother(s)!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    ‘Loyal American Underground’

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn, what an entry! I still remember that first interaction as well, including your reply. FAE painted a pretty decent picture of you and I suppose you mostly lived up to it. Ha!

      You know, I once knew a man from Nantucket, whose dick was so long he could... have a lot of trouble purchasing underwear, which really made it difficult to go clothes shopping. It's not all fun and games with a third leg, you know.

      We only do Facebook because we have to. Besides, the NSA already knows my secrets, and they're pretty boring secrets at that. Have at it, Zucky boy. I'm really not that interesting in real life!

      And thanks for the possible Amazon reviews! Amazon is kind of a necessary evil for us as writers. The key word definitely being evil. :(

      Delete
  14. Oh, how I love contests! I will be giving this some serious attention, so getting all the entries in might take a while. However, I am competitive enough to make this work. I WANT THAT BOX. (And wow, poor Yoda girl, they really mind-fucked her...her expression is worth a million words...I'd imagine it's bad enough just WORKING at Hooters...)

    I will start with the easy ones.
    The joke. Two hearing impaired individuals are engaged in a sexual encounter. The man wants to have sex, but he's polite, so he signs to her, "If you want to have sex with me, pull on my dick twice. If you DON'T want to have sex with me, pull on my dick 47 times."

    How we met. Easy. It was probably about a year ago, at Andrew Leon's Strange Pegs. He always gets such good comments that's it's one of the few blogs (this being one also) where I read all the comments and replies. I kept seeing funny comments from and to ABftS, so looked back and realized he was talking to you. You had me at the name, and I've been a fan ever since. That you take the time to come visit me even though I'm a little nobody really warms my heart :-)
    I totally suck at drawing, but am going to give something a try, and will get it to you. Who knows, perhaps I have a hidden talent...of course nowhere near as brilliant as the combination of you two...no one could match that. (Figured a little ass-kissing never hurt.)
    Don't worry, I will turn the story of how we met into something John Hughes worthy. Just gotta pick the right movie to parody...
    I've already sold my soul to fb, so that's not a problem.
    Own all your books, so will do some reading and reviewing.
    See? I gots plans of world (or at least contest) domination in the works here! I'LL BE BACK.
    Tina @ Life is Good
    On the Open Road! @ Join us for the 4th Annual Post-Challenge Road Trip!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn, you're going all out! That's fantastic, and I love the dirty joke. Never heard that one before, but will certainly be repeating it.

      And hey fellow Coloradoan, if you win, we'll deliver that box personally with a beer on top. I mean, it's probably still cheaper than sending through the Post Office. No, really.

      Delete
    2. Personal delivery? Be still my heart...gotta get drawing...and John Hughes'ing...
      ~Tina

      Delete
  15. Limerick

    There once was a man from Seattle
    whose hobby was sucking off cattle
    'til a holstein named Keith
    blew a load through his teeth
    and put 'im right back in the saddle

    How we met.

    It was a steamy summer night, a night made for love, for passion, for lust. Feeling restless I went out into the night, seeking a dark stranger to satisfy my womanly needs. But alas, there was no man worthy of my insatiable passion to be found on that night. So I began to cruise the internet in a desperate attempt to calm my raging desire. It was then that I stumbled across a blog written by not just one, but two gorgeous young men. My pulse quickened and sweat ran in rivulets between my heaving breasts. I began to pant an moan with a need so great I performed shameless acts upon myself as I gobbled up the words these two hot men had written. I couldn't get enough and began to fantasize about a threesome, driving myself to the heights of ecstasy, until finally I lay spent upon the sweat soaked sheets of my bed. At last I had found the boys at A Beer For the Shower.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The minute we set 'limerick' as one of the requirements, we said "I bet Anne's gonna come in with a killer limerick."

      Mission accomplished.

      Any story that contains "heaving breasts' and "gobbling up" our words has stolen our hearts and should deserve double entries. Damn the widget restricting us from that. That story was awesome. Also, you don't want a threesome with us. Brandon has a wooden leg that he's self conscious about, and Bryan doesn't like anyone to look him in the eyes or he starts getting punchy. Overall, I just don't think it would end well.

      Delete
    2. >>... "My pulse quickened and sweat ran in rivulets between my heaving breasts."

      "HEAVING BREASTS"... are there any other kinds?

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    3. Yes... and those kind are the wrong kind.

      Delete
  16. The Limerick:
    There were two men, Brandon and Bryan,
    As close as an oxygen and hydrogen ion,
    And as soon as they met,
    They both became wet,
    And their love became more sacred than Zion.

    How we met:
    I honestly don't remember. I think I may have happened upon your blog through Muppets for Justice, or perhaps you may have commented on one of my posts, and I decided to see what you guys were all about. Either way, once I found your blog, I was here to stay.

    I will be forwarding you the drawing soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A homoerotic and scientific limerick? That is most definitely a first, and a first class entry. I never once thought to rhyme my name with Hydrogen Ion. Shows what an idiot I am.

      I thought we met through that one guy. You know, the one with the face. We were both at his party, and it was really boring, and we snuck out the back to do meth.

      Or maybe that was another guy. You know... the meth.

      Delete
  17. I didn't know you had a FB page. I just went over and liked it :)

    Forgot the best joke that was dirty
    So went to a bar and was flirty
    The men I met there
    Had no teeth or hair
    Just sucked beer and wished they were thirty.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most days we don't know we have a Facebook either until we suddenly remember to post to it.

      No teeth is terrible if you're a guy, but if you're a girl, I hear that's a huge plus...

      Delete
  18. Yay. It is so much fun to host a contest. I am sure you will make one person a very happy winner.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We hope we make two people happy, but I suppose making one person happy is the cautiously optimistic way of looking at it. "Well, Steve hated it, but at least Sarah loved hers. Win?"

      Delete
  19. It's so awesome I was able to inspire you to "Beer it Forward". I'm not going to enter, because I think that would be cheesy on my end- Reading the entries you've gotten so far has been extremely entertaining. Best of luck to everyone who enters! Can't wait to see who wins.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We like cheesy, but we can appreciate where you're coming from. So far my bet for winner is "random jackass who doesn't even care about the blog but entered because he saw 'free shit' and decided to post a thoughtless comment." But I'm kinda hoping that's not the case.

      Delete
  20. This kid finds a welders mask in the street after school and puts it on. Jut then a guy in a van pulls up and asks if the kid wants a ride. The kid gets in and the guy starts driving. He turns to the kid and says, "do you know what a pedophile is?" The kid says "no." The guy asks, "Do you know what a blow job is?" The kid says "no." The guy asks, "Do you know what molestation is?"
    The kid flips up the mask, turns to the guy and says, "hey mister, I gotta level with you, I'm not actually a welder."

    I wrote that on my phone, I should have gone brief like, "What's the difference between a priest and a zit? A zit waits until you're a teenager to come on your face."

    Do I get a retro point for having drawn you both as pickles a couple of years ago?
    Limerick time:
    There once was a man who was thickle
    Who would save every last nickel.
    When asked about a spouse, the man would just grouse.
    "My dick is lumpier than a pickle."

    Not the best but I had to keep it in the pickle family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I almost forgot how we met. It was high school, you were with all the popular kids. But you asked me to prom! Only later did I find out it was for a bet you made with the guys in the locker room. It didn't matter, though, you taught me to let my hair down, not dress like an autistic child of hippie parents, and to really accentuate my cleavage. Though I always knew we were never meant to be, we'll always have that Summer and I'll always have the genital warts and that dumpster baby as a souvenir of our time together.

      Delete
    2. I'd say you pretty much knocked it out of the park, and yes, having previously Pickled us (sounds so dirty), you should definitely count those extra 3 for drawing us before.

      My favorite part of our meeting was when we tried on silly hats in a quirky dressing room montage while Tears for Fears played, and our quirky Asian exchange student friend just kept saying random expressions like, "Whoa, surf's up dude! Kowabunga! Totally righteous, man!"

      Delete
  21. There was a man who loved the earth so much that he wished to procreate with it and create the perfect offspring. He tried making love to everything, dirt, mud, stone, even permafrost, but right before he'd get to the end, an ant would crawl up his leg and bite him right on the browneye, making him lose the mood altogether.

    After finding out that ants live everywhere but volcanoes, the man chose his next earthly orifice to be Batu Tara in Indonesia. After wearing himself out climbing to the top of the active volcano, he rested to regain some of his vigor.Due to the heat and lack of butt biting bugs, he fell asleep and began to dream.

    In his dream, he was an ancient man, tethered to the base of a volcano situated among gigantic anthills. A female ant proceeded to make sweet love to him. He couldn't move from his chains, so he sat there and allowed himself to be pleasured.

    The man quickly woke up, took off his clothes and jumped into the caldera of the volcano. Before he was combusted into flames and ant that was ready to bite his behind asked him "Why?"

    The dying, falling man answered "I'm just a hippie with ED. I had run out of viagra and hugging trees just wasn't doing it anymore. Thanks for the wet dream!"

    New jokes are rarely as funny as good 'ol standbys, but I'm a stickler for brand spanking new jokes, even if I am the only one to laugh at them.

    I think I was surfing around and found you guys through Mark. It's hard to remember, really. I was hoping it was the random button, but no-one I ever find on there is still active. I'm quite sure that that was also the plot to One Crazy Summer.

    If I draw you, I'll post it to your page. Lots of art to do this summer, for sure. Thanks for the laughs. My favorite part is that that hooters waitress had beestings. Talk about equal opportunity employment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hitting from all angles - I like that! And who doesn't love a little man-on-ant action? Good luck, man! You killed it!

      Also, I'm pretty sure we met because of John Cusack. If it wasn't One Crazy Summer it was Better Off Dead. Did we ever compete in a ski competition or drag race Asians in a station wagon...?

      Delete
  22. Ooh! A drawing! I never win those. I don't know why, exactly. Maybe there's some evil troll who keeps snatching my name out of the hat before anyone can draw it...Nah. That's crazy.

    Okay, here's the dirtiest joke I know (courtesy of my brother-in-law): Johnny Dirtymouth was a foul-mouthed, 9-year-old kid. He was well known for his use of foul language, so his school teacher did all she could not to encourage him. One day, the class was playing a game using the alphabet. The teacher would call out a letter, and when a kid thought up a word to go with that letter, they would raise their hand and tell it to the class, then use it in a sentence. With each letter, Johnny Dirtymouth would raise his hand along with several other kids. The teacher had to think ahead, and figure out what Johnny was most likely to say. She would call on any other kid in the class to avoid exposing them all to Johnny's foul language.

    Finally, they reached the letter "U". No one raised their hand, except for Johnny. The teacher thought and thought about what Johnny could possibly say that could be inappropriate, but she couldn't come up with any "U" words. So, with a sigh, she called on Johnny. Johnny jumped to his feet and said: "Urinate!" His teacher was surprised, but she figured it wasn't such a bad word, considering. She said: "Okay, can you use it in a sentence?" Johnny nodded, then called out: "Urinate, but if you had bigger f****in' tits you'd be a ten!'

    As for how we met...I honestly don't know for sure...I think I just saw your comments on other blogs and liked your sense of humor, so I found your blog and started commenting. The rest, as they say, is a super cool '80s movie buddy montage, complete with synthesizer music and cheesy high fives.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That joke alone is worthy of winning the contest. Reminds me of the "define a word" Little Dirty Johnny joke, where the teacher asks the class to use 'fascinate' in a sentence and no one can. So finally little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My sister's tits are so big, her shirt has ten buttons but she can only fascinate!"

      Oh, and I was totally playing keytar during that montage while wearing my neon green sunglasses and my bright red leather jumpsuit. Because I'm cool like that.

      We wish you luck!

      Delete
  23. You must take me for a shallow materialist... well, okay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We met across a crowded room... I think it was Average Girls blog party... I was wearing a pair of her panties on my head, so they say.... but I deny all charges.

      Delete
    2. And you were a kind man to even look at us, for us being such Average Girls...

      Delete
  24. Well, I am disappointed that I won't win a jar of dog farts...but I am commenting, and liked you on Facebook anyway

    That is saying a lot-I almost never go to Facebook.

    I found your blog at the recommendation of Stephen T. McCarthy...which should have tipped me off...

    Larry

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To us, Facebook is like a necessary evil. Helps us stay in contact with people we care about. Too bad most of the time ol' Zuck's there, swinging his dick, trying to milk us for money. "Pay $7 to reach the people who already Like you!" Uh, no thanks.

      If Stephen McCarthy put his personal recommendation on this blog, then I feel it's only a matter of time before it's banned and burned. How can you burn a blog, you may ask? I guess we'll find out.

      Delete
  25. Mighty fine of you guys to have a giveaway! And a surprise one at that. Does it have anything to do with beer?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think at least one of the items has to be beer related, if only for consistency with the blog. We're big with consistency if you haven't noticed...

      Delete
  26. I adore you guys as much as I'm awestruck by your wit and talents. So I'll be getting to work on stick figures or other means of support.

    BTW, is it mere coincidence that Jodee looks like a distressed Princess Leia? I wouldn't have chuckled so much about her story were she not expecting more integrity from Hooters.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I too am appalled that a fine dining establishment would take such advantage of a career oriented young woman who was just trying to excel in her field.

      We're excited to see whatever you come up with. Even if it's just stick figures. We've been there, trust us.

      Delete
  27. WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?! *Looks around nervously* WHAT'S IN THE BOX YOU GUYS FOR REAL?!?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ENTER AND FIND OUT. ALSO WHY ARE WE YELLING? DID OUR CAPS LOCK KEYS GET STUCK?

      Delete
    2. Seven reference? Yes/No? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLDhMU5JvMk&feature=kp

      (answer: a head.)

      Delete
    3. Well, crap, now we're going to have to reconsider prizes, because sending someone Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box sounds like something we all can enjoy.

      Delete
  28. Just for clarification reasons guys; I've left reviews for two of your books, but I did it on Amazon.co.uk. So if they aren't showing up on .com, that would be why. Okay, dirty jokes? I'm actually not that good at dirty jokes. I know plenty of sick and twisted ones. Okay here's a dirty-ish one for you. Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken always comes in a box.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hah, see, that was perfect. And we've indeed noticed our .co.uk reviews, to which we say thank you! Still no bites on amazon.es though. Apparently Spaniards aren't a fan of our work? :(

      Delete
  29. I found you via another blog doing one of those "Bloggers I Like" posts, but I can't remember which one.

    As for dirty jokes... I have one particularly nasty one, which I seldom tell because it offends every rational sensibility and has no artistic merit. Naturally, this is the perfect place for it.

    Q: What's the worst part about screwing little boys?
    A: Trying to get the blood out of the clown suit.

    Oh, and I'm "Liking" your FB page, so that should make up for the previous joke, right? Right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Make up for it? Hell, we want to hear more.

      Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?
      A: I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

      Delete
  30. I will let the others get the mystery box of awesomeness. I am rewarded enough by your fun posts. I met you through Alex's blog and through your post on your buddy the live Hawk! Thanks for visiting my blog. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's very noble of you, as noble as my dear friend the hawk. You aren't going to start regurgitating animal parts at us, though, are you?

      Delete
  31. I really hope the box has a yoda in it. I figure a new toyota would be a tad large for the box.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Based on our budget, if we were to give away a Toyota, it'd have to be a rusted out, non-running, salvage title 1975 Toyota Corolla. Any takers?

      Delete
  32. Ooooh, a contest! I love me a contest. Ha!

    First a Joke:

    A large woman walks into a bar. She raises her arm to reveal an enormous hairy armpit and proclaims; ‘Who wants to buy a lady a drink?’ Down at the other end of the bar a bleary eyed little man says; ‘I do, give the ballerina a drink.’ The woman slurps down her drink and again raises her huge arm and shouts ‘Who wants to buy a lady a drink?’ Again the little man at the other end of the bar says; I do, give the ballerina another one.’ This goes on two more times and finally the bartender steps over to the bleary eyed little man and asks; ‘Sir, I got no problem with you buying her drinks, but why are you calling her a ballerina?’ The bleary eyed little man looks up at the bartender and says; ‘Good Sir, any woman who can raise her leg that high in the air, simply must be a dancer.’

    Ewwwe, I know that was pretty bad.

    First Encounter:

    It was the night of the Prom and there I was all dressed up and my date was late. I flipped on the TV to find that he had been run over by a beer truck on his way to pick up his tux. I was beside myself with grief, but I decided that the night was young and so was I, so I should go to the dance alone.
    Once there I realized what a terrible mistake I had made. Everyone was paired up, but me. I stood around in my pink strapless gown with little by my hopes to hold it up, when suddenly Mr. Tall Dark and Somewhat Handsome tapped me on the shoulder. ‘Hey Babe, wanna head out into the parking lot with my buddy and me, and make fun of everyone else?’ he breathed into my ear. I could hardly believe my luck. Handsome and a sicko too!

    Out in the parking lot there was his buddy. A skinny guy with a beer in his hand doing the chicken dance. Be still my heart! Who would have thought the night could get any better. These two were totally irreverent and made a joke of everyone at the school (quite possibly even me), but I didn’t care, I had found my true inspiration, and all thanks to that runaway beer truck that took my original date to that great vat in the sky. Who would have thought the night would end on such a glorious note.

    A Drawing:

    UGH! This may be my downfall. It, like the check, will be in the mail.

    Facebook:

    Sorry guys, the Zuck scares me. I don’t got no Facebook page to like your Facebook page from

    Amazon Reviews:

    I have reviews up at Amazon of ‘Lost & Found’ and ‘Slim Dyson’, just call me Peepers.

    OK ya got that?

    One last thing, a BIG SLOPPY TOOTHBRUSH to STMc for the SHOUT OUT and his nice compliment. I would rather be thought of as unique than popular any day!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If your drawing is anything like your joke and your story, then you're gonna do just fine. We definitely got that!

      Sincerely,
      Somewhat handsome drunk guy and skinny chicken dancing guy (also drunk, clearly)

      Delete
  33. A stuffed cat in the box? Taxidermist unite.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're telling me that no one will appreciate my taxidermied dead childhood cat? Because I think that's a great gift for anyone.

      Delete
  34. I can't remember exactly how I got on board the beer train! I remember the first thing I read though, you had me at 'hobo spider'. I'm pretty sure I came for the beer, but I definitely stuck around for the banter!

    As for the dirty jokes, those I have in bountiful supply. I've opted for short and sweet:

    What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

    Wipe it off and apologise.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, the dreaded hobo spider. Nothing like a little misery to bring two new bloggers together.

      And short, sick, and sweet is just how I like it. Along with "that's what she said", because clearly "that's what she said."

      Delete
    2. I was going to go for an anal joke...but it was a bit shitty.

      *bdum tsss*

      Delete
    3. I was going to make a vagina joke but I guess you could say I pussied out.

      Ba dum tsssh

      Delete
  35. I'll have to work on the 80's rom com, but here's the joke:

    Two guys, let's call them Bryan and Brandon, are hanging out; Brandon looks over at Bryan's dog and notices the dog is just going to town licking himself. The dog is completely nose deep in his crotch licking up a storm.

    Brandon chuckles, nudges Bryan and says "Hey, man, look at that... Don't you wish you could do that?". Bryan replies "I guess..." Brandon needs to prove his point "But seriously, look. I mean, if I could do that, I would do it all day long. Can you imagine?? Don't you wish you were able to do that?!?!". Bryan says "Okay, but... Don't you think you should pet him first?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you win a gold star for incorporating us into the joke. Also for highlighting Brandon's rich fondness for the art of autofellatio. I bet if he could do that he'd never leave the house.

      Delete
  36. Quick dirty joke ~
    Q: Why do men name their penises?
    A: Because they don't want a complete stranger making 99% of their decisions for them.

    Yeah, not the greatest joke - more a factual, then funny. Oh, well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're a big fan of truth in comedy.

      What happens when you make a dick out of Legos?

      You get cock blocked.

      Delete
  37. I started following you after I was blown away by your salute to Arlee Bird. I flipped over your brilliant humor, and excellent artwork. Then I couldn't believe when you changed your blog, and made your characters even more lifelike. Do I get extra points for gushing, because I can't draw, and I never remember jokes? This contest is a great idea! Best of luck to everyone!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You totally get an extra half a point, and while it's not enough to add a full extra entry, it IS worth a bragging right when you say, "Oh yeah? Well my comment earned 1.5 entries. How much did YOURS earn?"

      Delete
  38. I SO WANT IN ON THIS! I've left you a review, and I meant every word, it wasn't even bribery that got me to say nice things. I also plan on drawing you as a cartoon, but I might not send you that if it gets weird... x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Am I the only one that wants to see this cartoon especially if it gets weird? Bring it on!

      (And thank you for your un-bribed kind words!)

      Delete
  39. I found your blog when I saw you left a comment on Pat Hatt's blog, It's Rhyme Time. I found your name interesting so I clicked on it.

    As for a joke...

    A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

    As for reviews..
    I must be slow because I didn't realize you had books published.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A lot of people don't realize we have books. They also don't realize we're Siamese twins, either. Wait, what?

      You deserve a big fat *BA DUM TSSH* because that joke was fantastic. Click it. You know you want to.

      Delete
  40. I can't remember how I found your blog. Let's pretend that myself from the future came to the past and told me about it. Instead of something like next week's lottery ticket numbers or something.

    For my dirty joke:

    Superman is flying through the city, and sees Wonder Womans House. He is curious so he takes a peak inside her home with his x-ray vision.

    What he sees astounds him, Wonder Woman is spread eagle and rubbing her boobs. And Superman gets a super hardon.

    Shit Superman thinks, this is too easy, I can just zoom in there, get a few pumps in at the speed of light and she wont even know what happened.

    Wonder Woman suddenly looks up, and says, "what was that"? The invisible man says," hell if I know but my ass is killing me"!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We love the joke. Great entry. And if the Invisible Man is saying it that matter-of-factly, then Superman must not be so super...

      Future me is an asshole, so if I went back in time to see past me, I'd probably say something like, "invest all of your money in pogs, because those will be worth something one day. And those Magic cards? Just throw them away. Those are garbage."

      Delete
  41. It was a cold rainy Monday and I was alone trolling the streets of blogger when our eyes met across the computer. I knew We would would instantly hit it off. You made me laugh, you made me cry from laughing, and you made me share you with others, because I knew they needed to laugh too.

    Ok now here is a joke......a Pirate walks into a bar and he has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender asks whats up and the pirate says Argggghhhhhh....It's driving me nuts.

    As the owner of 5 cats, I'm not sure I NEED a box of cats, but I sure would like them. Nothing says crazy, single, old woman like a house full of cats.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, at that point we wouldn't even have to ensure their safety. A house full of dead cats also screams crazy old woman.

      Ooh, a pirate joke. We like those!

      Q: What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?
      A: A sunken chest with no booty.

      Delete
  42. http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b393/iworshipzoot/beerfortheshower1_zpsc7cbd373.jpg

    y'all never looked better

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not just drawn, but drawn in your own style. We love it. You rock!

      Also, let it be known that if I had a tail to hold my beer, you wouldn't even begin to understand how much more I'd get done in a day.

      Delete
  43. I'm a sucker for this stuff. Here we go.

    There once was a man from Nantucket
    Whose d!ck was so long he could suck it
    Said he with a grin as he wiped off his chin
    If my ear were a c*nt I would f*ck it.

    Because I have two favorite limericks I'm adding another. Just because.

    There once was a man from China
    Who thought he was a very good climber
    He fell off a rock and battered his cock
    And now he has a vagina

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love those both, but that last one was so crass and simple all at the same time that it won us over instantly. And for future reference, no need to censor yourself. So with that said... good fucking luck!

      Delete
  44. It was circa 2012 when I first met A Beer for the Shower. It wasn't quite love at first sight, but I stalked, I kept my eye open, I watched from a distance. One day after teasing my hair, after putting on my warm, edgy jean jacket, I decided to comment. I laughed so hard I was in tears. I just couldn't help to state my appreciation, and then I received a follow back. We became friends. We listened to Madonna together and I watched ABftS drink beers. It was great.
    One day, ABftS grabbed my pretty over-blushed cheek, and they took advantage of me to the tune of Michael Jackson's Thriller. It was terrible, I've been traumatized ever since. Some might call my regular visits Stockholm syndrome. Others might say I found love. Me? I just don't remember that first encounter well enough to recite a story on it.
    And then we lived happily ever after.

    This totally counts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This 100% counts. And if you didn't want to be taken advantage of, you shouldn't have worn those neon purple leg warmers. You know we're a sucker for those. And don't lie, you enjoyed it, me in my bright red leather jumpsuit and my co-author in his bright purple leather jumpsuit.

      Delete
  45. I entered. Easy FB option, but please, please don't let it be a box of anything alive or dead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's oddly specific. What if it's a book or a drawing? Paper is nothing more than a dead tree...

      Delete
  46. Whaaaa??? You need me to tell you how we met? You mean… *sniff* … you don't remember??? We *did* go to prom together… we danced to Lady in Red… and you made a joke about my hair being red… I relive the night. Every. Day.

    *takes a moment*

    *strokes my old prom dress*

    Guys.

    (Let me do that again with more emphasis)

    GUYS.

    Hahahaha… this is so brilliant. I WANT THIS BOX SO BAD… I CAN'T EVEN TEL YOU… I won't be able to breathe until I GET THIS BOX!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You were always our Molly Ringwald. We were your Judd Nelson, meaning yes we were dicks to you, but only because we like you.

      If you win, we'll be sure and include some air in that box so you can breathe.

      Delete
  47. OK if I offer you some of my internal organs can I have it? Not on Facebook...don't know any limericks...Gah! How about blackmail Goth pics from the late 90s?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. God bless you for not being on Facebook. You're not missing much.

      Hey, we'll make you a deal. You e-mail us those pictures and we'll give you 10 free entries. DO IT.

      Delete
  48. Okay, I'm going to tell you right now I'm going to be one of your two winners. That'll take the pressure off you Beer Boys from playing favourites.

    I've followed you since before Christ - well, you know, a long time… I don't comment because quite frankly you've got enough on your plates. Besides you know very well I'm busy over at Bushman's (because you always follow me over there) and personally he should be your second choice. I know he won't mind coming in a close second to me… we're buddies.

    Okay… here's the thing. I'll accept dead cats, mostly because I'll sell them to my neighbour who'll cook them and make something, like, you know, asian, out of them. It'll be good.

    I'm on a Facebook deathwatch… namely I'm watching to see if someone's going to take the Zuck-man out… you know, on a permanent lunch date. A bologna sandwich with greasy fries all in a to-go coffin. It's my dream, his nightmare.

    That's all, my email is on my site over at Pearson Report . See, I've even provided a link - if that isn't a WINNER in action I don't know what it. Really - I'm making it easy for you two.

    Now that that's out of the way… I'll head back into the background and let you deal with what to put in my box.

    As to the entry value of this comment it's up in the triple digits - yes, high, but then, I'm worth it! (look who's pimping who)

    Oh, and if that doesn't work, you know, me winning - hey, mom already told me I was a winner - so there! :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This alone was one of the best entries we've gotten. I don't even know how to categorize it or how to score it... all I know is that it's a worthy contender and we wish you luck. And if Bushman bribes us with goodies from his garden or fresh smoked meat (feel free to insert homoerotic 'meat' joke here), he may yet find himself just ahead of you.

      Delete
  49. Could it be that- I now secretly wish I was on fb? ,)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Between old friends from high school airing their dirty laundry, and seeing how fat/how many kids your ex shit out, and endless rants with no real facts behind them... you do not wish you were on FB, trust me.

      Delete
  50. Um, oops. You are the first person to ever point out a weird tag on my part. I can't even call it a typo; it's just weird. My apologies. I was intent on spelling Brandon's last name correctly (s or no s?). This however doesn't explain the Bryan and Brandon Pedas and Bryan or Brandon again and whatever else I did to botch that one up...I blame it on the chocolate beer. It's sh*t!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought it was a funny jab to us being like brothers or inseparable or what have you. As the great Will Smith once said, "I ain't even mad."

      Delete
  51. I've been trolling the comments for entertainment. I blog to poach on other's happy thoughts. This has been entertaining. I'm sure we met sorta this same way; I saw your comment somewhere, was intrigued by the newness (I'm a wine drinker, don't like beer at all, but hey, what you two do in a shower is just fodder for dreams I'll probably forget two seconds after waking) and whatever comment you left, followed you to your site, and well, ya know; kinda got caught up in the cheezyness. It happens. I don't regret our first time, even though you didn't give me a donut and Diet Pepsi for breakfast.

    My favorite lymric:
    There once was a man from Nantucket
    Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
    And he said with a grin
    As he wiped off his chin,
    "If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it."

    Ha, that cracks me up every time. I'd draw you a picture by I can't even make stick figures, and my son doesn't like me waking him in the night to play on my blog. He thinks I'm weird. Well . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you're weird, then you're definitely welcome here any time. You bring the beer, I'll bring the Diet Pepsi and the donuts. Just don't fuck my ear, okay?

      Delete
  52. You know, I don't actually remember how I came across you guys. Or if you guys came across me first, but I think it was the other way around. There were probably illegal substances involved, though. And that weird, Asian guy from that one movie. Oh, and, I think, a duck. But I don't know what the duck was doing there.

    ReplyDelete
  53. So this is the contest you were talking about. Great idea guys! I've entered my share and realized I need to leave see if I left a review for Graveyard Shift. I think I did. Maybe...

    ReplyDelete
  54. And this is the kind of thing that upsets me when I miss out on blog posts. Curse you summer nights and coaching kids at the baseball field! I'm never spending time with my kids ever again! I want that mystery box!

    Pssst! Being that you guys are from Denver, throw a little something extra in that box. You know, just a little nugget. Wrap it up in cellophane and seal it tight and label it "Girl scout Cookies"

    ReplyDelete
  55. OK, you got the artwork, but Raffelcopter say 'The contest of OVER'. OVER seriously,\? are you kidding me?! Ah, well you got the artwork anyways. Save it, I may be famous one day and who knows what it will be worth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You had already submitted for the "draw us," so we counted your three entries, worry you not!

      Delete