Monday, May 26, 2014

The Idiot's Guide to Dumpster Diving

Brandon has a problem with dumpster divers in his alley. And while he's not personally got anything against those who reuse perfectly good items, he is against the assholes who are doing it all wrong.

Yes, that's right. There's a right way and a wrong way to dumpster dive. The right way, of course, is to pick out anything that someone discarded that you may find useful - a chair, an old fan, bottles that you can recycle for money, etc.

But these lowest of the low are all examples of what not to do while wading through Brandon's trash.

The Raccoon
This crazy bastard tears through trash bags like a chainsaw in his never-ending quest for goodies. He'll leave trash strewn all over the back alley, and because everything's been ripped open, it also attracts animals... Like him.

This asshole never quite figured out that anything put inside of a trash bag is not inherently useful so much as it is disgusting.






Don't be a Raccoon. Trash bags were created for a reason - to keep the trash contained. Not to hold the rotten confetti in your all-night trash party.

The Hoarder
Like the Raccoon, the Hoarder has every intention of seeking out "profitable" items to resell on ebay or some such nonsense. But rather than rip through everything, this genius shows up at 3 in the morning, grabs every bag out of the dumpster, and throws it in his minivan so he can sort through it later. This dumpster diver doesn't just deal with trash, he literally lives in trash.





Don't be a Hoarder. There's nothing in there worth hoarding. There's a reason that Brandon throws away snot-stained tissues and bloody tampons and doesn't donate them to the Salvation Army.

The Freegan
The Freegan is basically an extreme version of a hippie, who sees the mighty trash receptacle not as a final resting place for unwanted food waste, but rather as their own personal grocery store. That's right, freegans drag all of their meals from the depths of dumpsters. And it sounds okay on the surface until you realize that these trendy uber-hippies are really only doing one thing: starving actual homeless folks.



Don't be a freegan. Eating out of the trash isn't cool, and it's not saving mother earth. It just makes you look like a lazy asshole who'd rather mooch out of people's trash than sack up and get a job at McDonald's like other hungry people are inclined to do.

So, dear dumpster diver, the next time you see something poking out of the trash that catches your eye, go for it. Grab it. Use it. Resell it. But please, don't shred it into a million pieces, don't take the entire dumpster back to your house to see if there's anything else good inside, and for the love of God, don't eat it. I have two pretty big dogs and I throw away a LOT of dog shit, so that's definitely not special sauce that's on that soggy bread end you just found.

Anyone else have problems with dumpster divers in their area?

Cheers and stay hygienic, folks,
-B&B

Beer: Peach Pale Ale (Lone Tree Brewing)
Music: The Black Keys



99 comments:

  1. Bloddy condoms. Nom Nom! That is awful....ly funny! As a kid growing up in a refuse service company I know all about trash picking. I used to ride on the trucks picking up trash in the summer and when we went to the dump to unload I would pick through stuff all the time. I once found a perfectly good telescope. It was almost not sticky!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The best part about working for a trash company - free lunch!

      (Get it?)

      Delete
  2. Now I'm going to be sick...
    Hoarders are mentally unbalanced. I'm not talking those who went through the Depression and save weird plastic containers, but those who pile crap to the ceiling in their houses, leaving only a tiny path from room to room.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It truly takes a special kind of crazy to see one torn, bodily fluid covered sock and think, "You know, I should probably keep this. Just in case."

      Delete
  3. The diet of the raccoon is pretty disgusting. Something they never talk about on Animal Planet lol

    ReplyDelete
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    1. They should feature this guy on Animal Planet, since he's more of an animal that most animals I know. On one hand, my parents had real raccoons. Those things would eat out of the bird feeder or steal from the cats that hung out back. This guy, meanwhile, tears through trash and touches bloody tampons without gloves. Who's the real animal?

      Delete
  4. Somehow the freegan part made me think of... Morman Freegan.
    Can't say I know how large the dumpster diving scene over here is. Haven't heard or read much about it, so at least it's not an issue... I hope? (Here's some good advice for dealing with raccoons and the likes though: put bear traps in your trash.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If only that was legal. :(

      I have literally shoved dog shit onto this guy while he was digging through my trash. He just didn't care. Somehow I don't think a trap would do much difference. "Oooh, look at this perfectly good severed leg that someone just threw away! Better take it!"

      Delete
  5. I hat the raccoons. Brings back memories when we had a raccoon problem and they spilt the garbage out all over the place. Getting rid of them and constantly cleaning up was so gross.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Getting rid of a 10 lb raccoon can be a pain, but getting rid of the 120 lb version is even worse.

      Delete
  6. "THE BEST OF ICE CUBE"...

    I definitely detect a contradiction there.

    If Ice Cube melted and then evaporated... now THAT would be "BEST"!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I remember in the 90s when he was a hardcore rapper, acting all gangsta. Now he's a middle aged father taking his kids on "wacky" adventures.

      What I'm saying is... he can't melt fast enough.

      Delete
  7. Freegan. That's my new vocab word of the day. I totally get the "grab something useful" but digging through the actual trash makes me want to hurl (you guys to great hurl cartoons -just cartoony enough that my phobia doesn't kick in and make me hurl on the laptop.)

    Exceptionally good faces, especially the "face-off" between the Freegan and the Homeless Person ;-)

    There's a place for dumpster diving, though. The Engineer's company has a bin of no longer in production parts that are to be recycled. We're talking perfectly new, good, but we found something better parts. My basement is half full of these, but they sell well on eBay, and that helps a lot with the budget. People at his work know he does this, so sometimes they'll just load his car for him instead of putting them in the dumpster. Step saving is good when you're trying to save the planet!
    Tina @ Life is Good
    On the Open Road! @ Join us for the 4th Annual Post-Challenge Road Trip!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Recycling production parts = useful. Profitable.

      Recycling the remnants of last week's ham sandwich, which is now covered in coffee ground and cat puke = not quite so useful.

      Delete
  8. That may be the most disgusting post you've ever drawn. Well done!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As my drawing continues to improve, so will the gross-out humor. I have a feeling this is only scratching the surface.

      Delete
  9. Where I live the dumpster diving is so bad all trash is locked up tighter than the homes. A side benefit of living in bear country.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I wish this was bear country. The Raccoon probably would have been eaten long ago, serving as a warning to any other dumpster diver what fate awaits them should they get a hankerin' to go through a kitchen bag full of discarded, rotten food.

      Delete
  10. Blood probably contains a ton of iron and would be better for your body than anything they sell at McDeath.
    This is why my old man only dove into commercial dumpsters. Much better bodily fluid to item ratio.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just one look through my garbage would show you that I don't just throw away perfectly good stuff. I'm pretty frugal, and my trash is truly trash. But that doesn't stop these people from weeding through bags of dog shit expecting to find that 24k Rolex I just happened to throw away...

      Delete
  11. I've been coming here for years. Read all manner of vile things. Written some in the comments myself. All pale to "dumpster diver eating a bloody used condom." Where do you go from here? Feeding a baby rancid, curdled breast milk directly from the teet of a heroin addict with Aids, sorry, full-blown Aids, with open lesions on her breasts? A sloppy three-way with Brett Ratner, the reanimated corpse of Andre the Giant, and crippled moose?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think someone just submitted his application for the position of "Head ABftS Staff Writer."

      Delete
  12. Think I threw up in my mouth a bit there with the condom part lol Raccoons like that need to be put down

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If a mountain of dog shit and broken glass and bloody tampons can't take this fucker down, I don't think anything can.

      Delete
  13. If i am ever reduced to picking meals out of garbage then just shoot me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh I'm sure the Hepatitis and the e.Coli will get to you long before I can.

      Delete
    2. I'd rather be quick and painless....with no vomit involved.

      Delete
  14. I am happy to report that we throw our trash into small bins that are wheeled to the street on trash day. I have never seen anyone messing with the Garbage Garbage or the Recycling Garbage.

    The guy you call The Raccoon... yuck. I simply cannot imagine getting in the dumpster and searching for... Anything. Surely someone who does that ha some sort of mental imbalance going on. That is Just Not Healthy behavior.

    The Hoarder... I have never been one of those folks who watched that show Hoarders on TV. I didn't really care. Then my mom watched an episode of Dr. Phil and there was this lady on there who was a hoarder, but SHE didn't think she was. Because of her hoarding, the relationship with her (adult) children was fraying out, her husband moved out a couple of years previous, and her life was spiraling out. She knew that she was depressed, her relationship issues were a Big Problem, but she still didn't believe she was a hoarder. The footage of her house indicated she was most definitely a hoarder. When you can no longer use the rooms as they were intended because of all the stuff... And that stuff is stacked to the ceiling, you are a hoarder. This woman was a dentist. A smart woman. It was watching her that I realized people who hoard have severe emotional issues and hoarding is their way of coping. Just like obese people have severe emotional issues and eating is their way of coping. And people who suffer from migraines (like me) have severe emotional issues and... well, you get the idea. Dr. Phil offered to send her to a place for her depression and emotional problems and she took him up on it. I was very glad. Hopefully she won't feel the need to hoard when she gets home. That said, I now REALLY don't want to watch Hoarders on TV because I know that they are all hoarding to cope with pain. And they aren't getting help.

    And the Freegan taking food from the homeless people just makes me sad. Not for the Freegan (who is an idiot) but for the homeless people. No one ever answered the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" with "Homeless."

    Wow. I just read over my response and it is all serious to your witty blog bit. That doesn't mean I didn't laugh or find it very funny. But the truth is that anyone who is rooting around in a dumpster needs help.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. When it comes to mental imbalance I think it's the Raccoon that scares me the most. Dude will be out there, sitting inside the dumpster, wading through bathroom trash without any kind of gloves.

      Brandon's gone out there to yell at him multiple times, and each time the guy just truly does not care, even as he's handling bloody tampons or used tissues. Brandon will point this out, and snarkily applaud his findings, and the guy just truly is not bothered by this.

      Delete
  15. Dumpster diving isn't really a thing here. It took me a minute or so to realise what you were talking about. I had visions of people literally diving into dumpsters like they were magical pools. There are actually people who choose to live on trash? I can understand a homeless person, who has no choice, but why would anyone do that unless they really had to? I usually don't mind hippies but damn, get a job you damn hippies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn! Where the hell do YOU live?
      Because I want to move there ASAP!

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    2. I guess this is just an American thing, isn't it? So much for being a first world country.

      Delete
    3. Don't they have Goodwill in Colorado?

      That's the AZ equivalent of dumpster diving? One man's trash is taken to their back entrance and used as a tax deduction...

      Delete
  16. When it's festival season around here, the hippies come through town in their vans. They've got peace signs and flower power symbols painted on them. They look like they haven't bathed in weeks. And they dumpster dive. They only go down the alley's behind restaurants and the local grocers though. But we've got people in this town that go through the bins in front of the house on Sundays.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. On the local news they once showed a story about a guy who went into high end communities and pulled things out of the dumpster that he later sold, like paintings or lamps or chairs. It only took a few minutes, and didn't even require him to get inside. He'd just pick it out of the top and put it in his truck.

      ...Guys like him are very few and far between in neighborhoods like mine.

      Delete
  17. Dumpster divers are everywhere, aren't they? Oh, maybe not in those gated communities. . . we see many collecting bottles, even a rickshaw being handpulled and full of bottles and other 'useful' items. I thought, really, a handmade rickshaw . . .??
    I don't think hipsters up here are diving yet (fregans), but I could be wrong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's probably hard to tell if the hipsters are diving, since they blend into the homeless population seamlessly.

      Delete
  18. When I was a kid, like 3 or 4, I wanted to be a "trashman,"
    but that's another story.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please tell me that's a really badass euphemism for contract killer (taking out the trash).

      Delete
  19. We don't have dumpsters here, but when we want to get rid of a lot of rubbish we get skips. It's always funny filling it one day then going out the next day to find it almost empty because people have taken all your old junk.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You don't have dumpsters? What magical land of immaculate sanitation is this, and how do I get there?

      Delete
  20. Replies
    1. "Lunch" you recycled from the dumpster, amirite?

      Delete
  21. ...EWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

    My mom and I used to have a homeless family stop by and dig through our dumpsters. They only ever took what they needed and left some good stuff behind for others doing the same thing. But I used to work with somebody who would bus tables and snack off the half eaten plate on the way to dump it in the trash. I don't have a problem sharing food or anything, but ohmygosh, ew. Don't do that with a stranger who probably just have you some weird disease.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I always wondered if some really, really hungry (and desperate) bus boy ever snacked on my plate after I was done with it.

      I was actually happier not knowing. Thanks for clearing that up.

      Delete
  22. Now wait just one gosh darn moment! What the FUCK is brandon doing throwing away a bloody condom? Those things sell for hundreds in the black market!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it's bloody because he used it so many times. I think 10 is the magic number for condom use?

      Delete
  23. This post leaves me without words. An impressive feat, guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you left those words in the dumpster, I consider them fair game.

      Delete
  24. Man, I feel like I need a shower after that one. Thanks for the laughs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can scrub your body, but you can't scrub the mental image of a grown man chewing on a bloody condom.

      Delete
  25. We had medical dumpsters at the hospital where I worked as security, the local feral cats used to ransack and feed on the medical waste bags inside, the cats were feared throughout the site.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And, according to superhero movie logic, those cats now have a wide array of superpowers and are currently planning to overtake the world.

      Delete
  26. Thankfully, I don't have to see much of that around here. People leave their crap out with "FREE!" signs. Amazing how much useless crap you can accumulate just driving down the street. Never did see a used bloody condom or tampon. Then again, I've never looked for one either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We also leave out things in the alley with "FREE!" marked all over it, but apparently these garbage hunters think we're just hiding a whole bunch of other goodies in the trash.

      I'M amazed at what The Raccoon digs up, and I threw away half of the stuff in there.

      Delete
  27. I think you've reached a new level of disgusting with this post. I admire you for putting it all out there, even as my gag reflex kicks in over and over again. I think the worst part is that dumpster diving really happens, so the gross factor is multiplied.

    An acquaintance of mine used to work in a convenience store and said there was a woman who would come in and empty the drain trays for the coffee machines into her coffee mug so she could get "free" coffee (regardless of what other liquids were in there). That ranks right up there with your raccoon guy. Ick!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It sure does happen. The three examples in this post are all real people that Brandon's had to continually kick out of his dumpster. The Raccoon is simply the worst, if only because he has no shame. The guy doesn't even use gloves when he does all of this, and yes, the last time Brandon caught him he was holding a used tampon.

      Delete
  28. I think I'm gonna barf. I can't stop thinking about that guy eating a bloody condom.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, just think of it like this - similar to the proud Native American, the Dumpster Diver eats EVERY part of the dumpster.

      Delete
  29. Eating dumpster food is so wrong, nasty, unhealthy, and just gross! I have found the best junk at abandoned sites. You have to scout the lay of the land, pull the car close, snatch the item (or items), get in the car and haul ass.... Okay, it isn't that exciting, but I have found some great items at abandoned sites. Some free advise, while scouting out junk in AZ at abandoned sites, move things with a long stick. You just don't know if a rattler or scorpion might be hiding under them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Frankly, I'd rather deal with a rattler AND a scorpion simultaneously than deal with the Raccoon ever again.

      Delete
  30. They say there are millions of pennies in the dumps across america. Maybe if they went for them instead of all of the above

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is true. You can buy an awful lot of cheeseburgers with millions of pennies, and none of those cheeseburgers are covered in last night's dog shit.

      Delete
  31. "Freegans" sadly are featured on a TLC show called Extreme Cheapskates.

    Father Nature's Corner

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least we're not the only ones who've heard of these goobers. Some people don't even believe me when I tell them what a "freegan" is.

      Delete
  32. The raccoon grossed me out. I'm never walking past a dumpster again.
    Probably.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What if I told you you were walking past a dumpster right now? Dumpsters are sneaky little bitches.

      Delete
  33. Oh my gawd..ewwwww

    I usually leave all of my cans in a separate bag on the outside of the trash can and if one of the can collectors comes by they take it. We used to have a bad problem with people going through our big dumpsters for cans so most of us bag them up and leave them out for easy access.

    The trash on the other hand we got together *some of us* and decided not to put anything 'whole' in the trash again. That way it doesn't get taken out and left outside the trash can where the trash trucks won't take it. so if we have chairs we break them before putting them in the trash, anything we are replacing we destroy. I had fun shattering all of my old gasses when someone brought me new ones because my old ones were chipped. If you leave anything whole in the trash they take it out and leave it on the side of the trash can thinking that someone else will come and take it. But then the trash truck comes and won't take any of the trash the idiots have taken out and laid on the ground.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I try to break down all of my trash, too. If only to thwart the divers. So far that's not helping.

      "Someone threw away a perfectly good half of a chair leg! Score!"

      Delete
  34. My coworker (freegan-ish, but not that bad) is a dumpster diver! She said that people are locking their dumpsters up because other divers are throwing the trash everywhere. Thanks for nothing, raccoons.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I don't mind the diving so much as I mind the trash confetti all over the alley, and the army of angry squirrels that comes with it. How about a little respect, freegans?

      Delete
  35. I shouldn't be sharing this critical page out of the Dumpster Divers Code, but the secret to dumpster diving is this: Not all dumpsters are created equal.

    Anyone dumpster diving behind your residence is probably a beginner or simply stupid.

    Restaurants and stores are way better.

    Plus, you have to let all of the other dumpster divers know you've claimed this particular dumpster, so they know ahead of time that if they step into your turf, they might end up dead in a dumpster somewhere...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, this is what I would assume, too. Why are you wasting so much time diving through my trash week after week when A) multiple divers are already trying to get to it and B) there is consistently nothing worth taking. So one day there's magically going to be a gold Rolex, a fresh cheeseburger, and $100 worth of copper piping to strip and sell?

      Delete
  36. I threw up in my mouth a little bit after reading bloody tampon. Thanks for that.

    I didn't know Ice Cube had the best of anything? He was pretty good in Ride Along but Kevin Hart was much funnier.

    I used to have a guy that drove his pickup truck around on trash day. He was the neatest man ever. He stacked up everything into organized piles when he finished. I ended up just putting a separate bag of kids clothes in a bag out there for him from time to time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Best of Ice Cube album is just 2 hours of him scowling and saying angry phrases to white people about how angry he is with white people.

      A neat, civilized dumpster diver? WTF? Does he show up in a suit and tie and lightly spritz the dumpster with Febreeze after he's done?

      Delete
  37. Luckily I don't have any dumpster divers in my area. I met a friend of a friend who would eat dumpster pizza, though. He'd drive around the back of pizza joints, and see if they threw away any extra pizzas they accidentally made. He's still alive to this day last time I checked. Though, I'm not positive whether he is disease-free.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't care if I found a whole, completely uneaten pizza in a dumpster. Just the fact that it was inside a stinky, disease ridden dumpster would be enough for me to never want to touch it. This guy understood how contaminants work, right? That cardboard box doesn't exactly create an airtight seal.

      Delete
  38. I think I've lived a sheltered life. I didn't know people ate of the trash for any other reason but to ward off starvation. How gross.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It doesn't just ward off starvation, it also wards off any female within a 100 foot radius!

      Delete
  39. I . . . I . . . I have no words. I see people going through recycle bags for the bottles and cans, but umm, this is GROSS.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, in all fairness, all that searching for bottles and cans really works up a hunger...

      Delete
  40. I found a bunch of my trash for sell at a consignment store. I was a little freaked out that someone would go through my trash.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm a little freaked out that it's worth something. What did you get rid of that someone felt they could actually make money off of?

      "Holly's half-eaten sandwich - now half off!" (get it?)

      Delete
  41. Note to self: don't read this blog while snacking! Dumpster diving was a huge problem in Portland, but here in McLean the only dumpster divers I've seen are the squirrels.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dumpster diving runs rampant in the city of hipsters? Why am I not surprised by this?

      Delete
    2. Every May the city has an official spring clean-up where people throw out larger items, and leave them at the curb for pick-up. It's amazing how many people drive by to sort through the discards. Usually most of the items are gone before the garbage men come to haul it away. This is much better than dumpster diving without the blood and gore. Though your version is much funnier

      Julie

      Delete
  42. At one point I was considering going homeless for a week so I could have something unique for blogging material. How was I going to eat? Freeganism. Hide behind a supermarket or bakery, loot their trash.

    Also, what the hell are you eating that causes vomit to be green? Lay off the gummy worms.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Colorado is now the land of "the green." It wasn't gummy worms he was eating...

      Delete
  43. We don't have a huge dumpster diving problem, but there is a group of hippies a few roads down who go onnnn and onnnn about how they eat everything from bins. The irony of the fact that they'lll only go to the high-end supermarket bins seems lost on them. xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eating caviar out of a dumpster is a classiness I just can't even begin to fathom.

      Delete
  44. I think I am a bit queezy at the thought of people rummaging around in a dumpster. Personally, I would be better if they did just haul it all away so I would be sure never to see them foraging through gross waste.

    Here in the area I live in, we have people cruise through the neighborhoods and take things left at the curb on trash day but they tend to be a bit over zealous. I was mowing the lawn and had taken the bag off to empty the grass and some jackass came by and started to load my new Toro lawn mower into his truck. I stop him before he could figure out how to actually pick the thing up and he said he thought it was trash. It was in the middle of my yard.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds like an excuse to not be arrested more than anything. I would have called the police and reported him for theft, but I'm just an asshole like that.

      Brandon once had the tiny fir tree ripped out of his front lawn, roots and all, because it was around Christmas time. It required a shovel, and was done in the middle of the night. As a whole, people are just shit.

      Delete
  45. Ahhh... the return of the bloody tampon. I thought we learned weeks ago that those are returned to the store. Not thrown out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, right? Next someone's probably going to try to tell me that you shouldn't reuse condoms. People are so wasteful.

      Delete
  46. How about don't dumpster dive unless you are a *real* raccoon? Yuck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've seen real raccoons. I grew up with those little guys coming around. And I promise you that those animals are 10x cleaner than the mongoloids that waddle through my dumpster.

      Delete
  47. Congratulations, you've genuinely given me the urge to vomit after reading the description about the Raccoon. Not many people have been able to achieve that...

    I'll also keep in mind to never become a hoarder with trash; it's bad enough with all of the perfectly usable items I already own.

    -Barb

    ReplyDelete
  48. "The Freegan is basically an extreme version of a hippie, who sees the mighty trash receptacle not as a final resting place for unwanted food waste, but rather as their own personal grocery store." <-- I lived with one of these my second year in college. I never understood how he could have such a huge problem with my consumption of dead animals when he was eating moldy bread he snagged in a dumpster....

    ReplyDelete
  49. So nasty! I can't imagine the compulsion. The "dumpster divers" that I love are the ones who come by on trash day and only take the big ticket items you set out deliberately, like a mattress or old tv that you know the trash guys won't pick up. I've never seen anyone take my actual trash bags, thank god!

    ReplyDelete