Yes, that's right. There's a right way and a wrong way to dumpster dive. The right way, of course, is to pick out anything that someone discarded that you may find useful - a chair, an old fan, bottles that you can recycle for money, etc.
But these lowest of the low are all examples of what not to do while wading through Brandon's trash.
This crazy bastard tears through trash bags like a chainsaw in his never-ending quest for goodies. He'll leave trash strewn all over the back alley, and because everything's been ripped open, it also attracts animals... Like him.
This asshole never quite figured out that anything put inside of a trash bag is not inherently useful so much as it is disgusting.
Don't be a Raccoon. Trash bags were created for a reason - to keep the trash contained. Not to hold the rotten confetti in your all-night trash party.
Like the Raccoon, the Hoarder has every intention of seeking out "profitable" items to resell on ebay or some such nonsense. But rather than rip through everything, this genius shows up at 3 in the morning, grabs every bag out of the dumpster, and throws it in his minivan so he can sort through it later. This dumpster diver doesn't just deal with trash, he literally lives in trash.
Don't be a Hoarder. There's nothing in there worth hoarding. There's a reason that Brandon throws away snot-stained tissues and bloody tampons and doesn't donate them to the Salvation Army.
The Freegan is basically an extreme version of a hippie, who sees the mighty trash receptacle not as a final resting place for unwanted food waste, but rather as their own personal grocery store. That's right, freegans drag all of their meals from the depths of dumpsters. And it sounds okay on the surface until you realize that these trendy uber-hippies are really only doing one thing: starving actual homeless folks.
Don't be a freegan. Eating out of the trash isn't cool, and it's not saving mother earth. It just makes you look like a lazy asshole who'd rather mooch out of people's trash than sack up and get a job at McDonald's like other hungry people are inclined to do.
So, dear dumpster diver, the next time you see something poking out of the trash that catches your eye, go for it. Grab it. Use it. Resell it. But please, don't shred it into a million pieces, don't take the entire dumpster back to your house to see if there's anything else good inside, and for the love of God, don't eat it. I have two pretty big dogs and I throw away a LOT of dog shit, so that's definitely not special sauce that's on that soggy bread end you just found.
Anyone else have problems with dumpster divers in their area?
Cheers and stay hygienic, folks,
Beer: Peach Pale Ale (Lone Tree Brewing)
Music: The Black Keys