Monday, May 19, 2014

I'm Really Sorry My Hawk Destroyed Your Property

Dearest neighbor,

You've lived here only a year and already my pet hawk has made quite the mess of your place. Pots thrown everywhere, animal carcasses, mountains of excrement. It's like my balcony is his personal bachelor pad while your balcony is just his big rectangular garbage can.


Now, I didn't ASK to have a pet hawk. It's not like one day I walked out onto my balcony and said, "You know what would complete my life? A pet hawk, one that I can use like my own personal avian bodyguard."






But a few years ago he just started coming around my balcony. Ours is a complex relationship, you see. It started off with boundaries. He'd perch on the balcony ledge for hours at a time, and each time I peeked through the blinds, he'd just stare at me.





I got brave. Or maybe stupid (I mean, have you seen the talons on these things?), because he seemed more curious about me than anything, so on one of his visits I stepped outside. He watched me for a few minutes, and then he flew away. I thought maybe I had offended him with my presence. I do that to people, you know. But he came back about an hour later with a gift. A dead mouse. Not the best gift I've ever received, but honestly, still not the worst.


Now whenever he comes by I just sit and hang out on the balcony with him. Sometimes he brings me things, sometimes not. But I'm sorry, dear neighbor, that when he's done with his meal he often tosses the carcass on your balcony. And I'm sorry that when he's done hanging out with his favorite human and hops up and flies away to go do hawk things that he almost always sprays your balcony with a torrent of bird shit.

I'm also sorry that last week he used one of your potted plants like a bowl so he could eat a rabbit's intestines like spaghetti. After which he flew away with your pot, smashed it on the ground, and started pecking at it aggressively.



He has a bit of an anger problem with inanimate objects. Not so much with me, though.

I should mention that in all fairness, the hawk's been coming around for years now, and you've only been here one year. Perhaps the Realtor that sold you the house should have explained to you that the guy living to the right of you has a very loud motorcycle, and the guy living to the left of you has a hawk. I think those are both valid concerns when purchasing a house.

But since it's too late for that, I can only apologize on my hawk's behalf. You know, since he can't do it himself.




Sincerely,
Your neighbor Bryan

Since I know the comments will be full of "Is this real?" I'll beat you to the punch. Yes, all of this is true. He drops by once every few months, and mine is the only balcony he'll sit on. Most often he only wants to spend about an hour with me, but he's been known to wait overnight for me (as evident by a small mountain of shit on my own balcony when I wake up). He also brings me animal parts, at which point he'll sit and stare at them, then at me, then back at them, waiting for me to eat it.


...I just kick them aside when he's not looking. "Mmmm, thanks buddy, that was SOOO good!"

My balcony is really small, so when I'm with him, I'm only about 2 feet away from him. I don't dare get any closer than that, though, since we may be buddies and all but I don't want him mistaking it for aggression and clawing my face off.

And I do indeed just hang outside with him, usually drinking a beer and reflecting on life while we occasionally exchange glances. Believe it or not, a hawk makes for pretty good company with that.

Also, it's kind of amusing to me, because from the side he looks like such a badass killer...


But when he looks you straight on, he looks completely harmless. Goofy, even. He looks like a teddy bear and a bowling pin had a love child.


It's a good reflection of our relationship, you might say. The killer brings me the gifts, but the bowling pin teddy bear is the one that hangs out beside me silently like an old drinking buddy.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Celldweller
Beer: The Ale of Yoto

P.S. If comments, snarky replies, and returned e-mails are slow around these parts it's because the two of us are going on vacation. No, not with each other, you weirdos. Bryan's going to be in Las Vegas celebrating his 3 year wedding anniversary, and Brandon will be in New Orleans with his fiancee celebrating historic liver damage. Posts have been pre-scheduled, and we'll see you soon!



137 comments:

  1. Yes, if he starts bringing you beer and money, that would be awesome.
    We see hawks like that here, although not so close. You guys do have a unique relationship. I think if he ever turns, it will be on your neighbor.

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    1. He also eyes my cat like she's a 15 lb drumstick, which I've made clear she is most definitely not.

      Delete
  2. I remember when that hawk first came to visit you. Love that you two have become drinking buddies.
    He might look like a teddy bear, but you still wouldn't get me too close to that beak

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    1. Trust me, I have no desire (and am not stupid enough) to see if our relationship has upgraded to "kissies."

      Delete
  3. I would love a pet hawk. I say you should read up to see how you can approach it. You need to make this hawk a best friend that you can approach safely. It's a shame he doesn't stop by more. He might not be interested if that's the case. He does look like a huge flying teddy bear though. Enjoy the vacations guys. I'm slightly surprised you aren't vacationing together.

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    1. Not sure if gay reference or just 'we do everything together' reference. Well, Brandon wouldn't want to celebrate my wedding anniversary with me, and the New Orleans trip is a gift from his fiancee, so I'm okay not crashing this one. Maybe next time.

      And I've read that ferruginous hawks (his particular breed) are decent when trained in falconry. If I could make this guy my own personal messenger bird, well... that would be fucking awesome.

      Delete
  4. Awesome story. Awesome. I do like it that you have "real" pictures in there, too, lending authenticity to your tale, because we all know how important it is to be completely honest when telling people your shit on the internet.
    I think you have a perfect relationship, and now I want a pet hawk. Or heron. I'd like to live by the water and have a heron, yeah, that's it.
    I think he'd give his life for you, as any drinking buddy should.
    I hope you both enjoy your vacations! Drink a beer or two, maybe...
    Tina @ Life is Good
    On the Open Road! @ Join us for the 4th Annual Post-Challenge Road Trip!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'm drinking right now! Any other time of the year, drinking at 10 AM is considered alcoholism. But on vacation it's considered "relaxing." Yay to "relaxing."

      Half the shit that's happened to us seems so unbelievable that we NEED pictures. Now, if only I could get close enough to my new buddy to wrap my arm around him and take a selfie...

      Delete
  5. Oh man, that's actually really awesome! I'm kind of surprise you haven't purchased a falconry glove and tried to become closer with it yet. I mean, let's be real here, it could very well be trained to get you a beer. As long as you're not drinking out of cans like a filthy plebeian.

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    1. They have falconry gloves on Amazon (of course they do, because Amazon has EVERYTHING) and don't think I'm not tempted to try it. As mentioned above, ferruginous hawks are good with taming, and if I've got one who will sit right next to me, I could only be a few more visits away from adding "falconer" to my ridiculous resume of stupid shit no one would believe about me. :)

      Delete
  6. "Hawk, let us make soup with his bones." Best. Line. EVER! Seriously, very cool interaction with your Bro-hawk.

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    1. Whether he's my spirit animal or just a very dangerous bird that has decided he doesn't want to eat my face, he makes for a pretty decent bro.

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  7. And oh yeah, have "fun" on your "separate" "vacations" with your "wife" and "fiancee."

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  8. I've been carrying dead mice around for years, hoping to attract a hawk friend. Does he have a Facebook profile?

    We do actually have a peacock that comes to visit. He sits on our fence, but he doesn't bring presents. He's a bit of a douche in all honesty.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Search "Ferruginous Hawk" on Facebook. That's his breed. Actually, I think he may have changed it to "Bro-ginous 'Danger' Hawk," because like most other pre-teen Facebook users he's a complete jackass.

      Delete
  9. I would count myself lucky. Predators just chilling out is pretty kick ass. The best stories are carved right out of the stone of truth. Have a great vacation!

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    1. It's a pretty humbling experience, knowing he could tear my face off at any given moment but chooses not to. He's just a nice guy like that.

      Delete
  10. Now that is cool, I'm going to wish for a Honey badger as a cool visitor.

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    1. I don't think he'd make for a very good hangout buddy, simply because he doesn't give a fuck.

      Delete
  11. An army of hawks would solve a lot of problems for me. I've just needed a hawk leader to get the ball rolling. Sounds like you have a head start on me...

    Think about what you could accomplish with a hawk army.

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    1. I'm trying to think about what I could accomplish, but I'm also thinking what a huge mountain of bird shit my evil base would be. I think the hawk army and myself need separate quarters.

      Delete
  12. That is awesome, minus the dead animal parts and the mountain of shit haha he does look like a killer then teddy bear, kind of a jekyl and hyde thing going on there. Enjoy your vacation.

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    1. I'm just glad I was able to capture it. It's hard, without pictures, to properly convey to people "you should see this hawk, he looks so stupid and goofy and cute when he's staring at you."

      Delete
  13. This is the first I have read about the hawk. As crazy as it may seem, it sounds like he has adopted you. Or she has adopted you. I can't tell from the pics:) I don't know my history well enough to know when being a falconer was no longer a Real Job. Although, I do believe that man and bird did feel bonded. I am with the person who mentioned buying a falconry glove and give it a whirl. You never know... you could bring the entire profession back into vogue.

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    1. Psssh, forget vogue. I want the neighborhood to feel the streets awash with blood as my hawk and I reign chaos down from the clouds.

      Delete
  14. That's pretty cool you have a pet hawk, however you should give it a proper name.

    I thought of several; fluffy, skittles, honey-boo-boo, Mortimer, Shabazz, or Billy-Bob.

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    1. From the side he looks like a Mortimer, but straight on he looks like a Fluffy Skittle Boo-Boo. Man, decisions, decisions... I'd better consult with my life coach.

      Delete
    2. You totally should name him Mike... Mike Hawk. The possibilities stagger the imagination...

      Delete
  15. That's pretty kick ass! I wish I had a hawk to chase off shady magazine sellers! My slingshot of death doesn't seem to scare them.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Have you tried a shotgun? I think that trumps small but aggressive bird any day.

      Delete
  16. >>... He looks like a teddy bear and a bowling pin had a love child.

    HA! That is EXACTLY what he looks like!

    Hawk, the herald angel, brings
    Bloody mice and marriage rings!


    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Joyful, all ye birds rise,
      Join the triumph of the skies;
      With th’drunken host proclaim,
      "Next time you poop watch the aim."

      Delete
    2. I really hate to butt in on you guys conversation, but this is priceless.

      You two should get together and do a recording or something...

      Delete
  17. Makes you wonder who he is cheating on you with during the months he is gone.... hum.

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    1. I hope a female hawk. If not, my poor bro has a really sad, lonely life. And no wonder he enjoys hanging out with an inebriated human so much.

      Delete
  18. I'm *almost* pretty sure you're offending hawk culture by not eating his gifts. Perhaps you should reconsider . . . lol

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, according to hawk culture, looking them in the eyes is an act of aggression and you should never do that because they'll peck your face off, but he likes when I look at him, so I'd like to think our relationship is about breaking the avian social norms.

      Delete
  19. Looks like that Hawk is is more then anyone can handle.
    Have fun vacationing.

    ReplyDelete
  20. That is awesome. Best pet ever! It's pretty adorable that he brings you gifts.

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    1. I've read before that they bring gifts to potential mates, so he may just have a crush on me. I can't say I blame him. I am one big sexy featherless bird.

      Delete
  21. I remember that hawk! I love that he's still coming around to check in with you. I'm just glad a similar situation hasn't arisen in our neck of the woods, because my kids would definitely have had their eyes clawed out by now, or at least eaten a rat intestine, out of sheer politeness.

    Oh, and you call this bird a drinking buddy, what exactly happens when a hawk gets drunk?

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    1. Mostly I do the drinking for him, but I assume if he got drunk he'd air his grievances about me not eating the mouse carcass he brought me, and even though he acted like it was cool, it was very much NOT COOL BRO.

      If you're ever out this way, bring the kids by. Contrary to popular belief, hawks are great with children. They love their fast, spontaneous movements and loud noises*

      *I know absolutely nothing about hawks or children. Don't do this

      Delete
  22. I remember when the Hawk first landed on your balcony. It's so cool that he decided to nest there and become your pal. I wonder why he hasn't found a lady hawk to be his mate. Wouldn't you just love it if one day you awoke to the sound of six baby hawk chicks outside your window.

    Hope you boys have a good time on your holiday!

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    1. There's a hawk sanctuary about a mile away from my house, so he's a long ways from home. Maybe he just needs to get away from his lady hawk every once in a while because she keeps griping about leaving rabbit carcasses on the floor, so he comes to watch me drink and "get out of the house" for a bit. We've all been there, right?

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  23. I have pet moles. They live under my house and whenever I have to go under there they snuggle up to me and get all cozy. You mind if I borrow your hawk for a few days?

    Enjoy your vacations!

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    1. As long as he doesn't bring me back any bloody mole presents, he's all yours. He's also extremely aggressive to anyone that's not me, so bring a suit of armor and a LOT of bandaids.

      Delete
  24. Replies
    1. Thanks! The hawk is a pretty cool guy, too.

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  25. How sweet! Happy vacation...be sure to drink water with your beer!

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    1. There's water IN beer, so I figure I'm pretty much covered.

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  26. Hahahaha!!! Holy crap, you two… I don't even know where to start. It's like I have to take notes while reading your posts just so I can highlight all the things that made me laugh. But THEN I'd just be copying and pasting everything and you'd have to re-read your post here in the comments… so… yeah.

    And come on… you two don't vacation together? Whaaa? I want you guys to travel the world in 79 days and do a post every time you come across an exotic bird or run into ex prom dates or get tackled by stalker fans… or… or… you guys would be hilarious to travels with, I'm sure. :)

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    1. We'd love to travel the world, but funds are a little tight so you might have to settle for "Brandon and Bryan explore the local neighborhood in 79 days." Who needs an in depth analysis of the Great Wall of China when we can tell you what we think about Applebee's new 2 for 20 deal?

      Also, I wouldn't run into any ex prom dates or get tackled by any stalkers no matter where I went, because I've got a hawk who'll deal with all of that.

      Delete
  27. That's awesome - I don't think I'd turn down a hawk friend. Not sure I've ever even seen a hawk, to be honest.

    Also - is this the same hawk from a post a couple years back? If so, it's nice that you maintained the relationship. :)

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    1. This is the same hawk. Apparently these things can live to be about 30 years old, so as long as I'm in this house, I'm pretty much guaranteed to have my drinking buddy.

      Delete
  28. Such a lovely relationship tale. I've only experienced a bluejay we named Buddy who came by everyday, tapped on the windows and wanted peanuts put out for him to pickup and eat in the yard. Birds I like, but not squirrels - they like standoffs!

    I like that 'angry hawk' look. What drama!

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    1. I don't like squirrels either. Or rabbits. They look cute, but they eat and destroy everything. Which is why it's nice to have a hawk here. He ate the rabbit that was chewing on my car, so I pretty much owe him a solid now.

      Delete
  29. I love this post! I remember you doing a post about this hawk a long time ago and have wondered if you still got visits. So glad he is still around! I was wheezing with laughter while also saying 'awww'. And also I'm very jealous. I want a hawk to fall in love with me and bring me presents. The thing is, though, couldn't you at least TRY to eat the critter innards he brings you? I think you might be hurting his feelings.

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    1. I may be hurting his feelings, but somehow I feel like it's acceptable since I also don't want e.coli.

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  30. I didn't have time to go thru all of the comments to see if this was posted already or not, but it reminds me of a song from the Rubber Bandits called Spastic Hawk

    Cracks me up watching the video... They have a few other songs that are quite funny too- Horse Outside and I like to Shift Girls.

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    1. Nope, you are definitely the first to mention it. And I've not heard of it either. What a hell of a song and a hilariously fucked up video. Thank God my hawk isn't spastic and deformed.

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    2. OMFG! You'd really be in for a world of shit if he was.

      Delete
  31. You're brave to chill out two feet from a hawk, and this story is thoroughly amusing. My fave snippet here is the drawing of the hawk offering you something that isn't a toaster. Great stuff.

    I only see hawks around here from afar...very afar. Turkey vultures, I've seen closer up. Talk about ugly.

    Happy Anniversary, Liver Damage Indulgence, and vacation time.

    xoRobyn

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    1. We don't have turkey vultures around here. I'd never even heard of one, so I google image'd one and the first result was a close up picture of its face. So I kinda threw up in my mouth a little. I'm just glad THAT isn't my drinking buddy. No amount of beer goggles could make that look cute.

      Delete
  32. He sounds rather like a cat. Cats leave gifts like that. Well, when they're allowed to go outside, anyway.

    I hope Brandon survives NOLA. I was just listening to a thing about the murder rate and gun violence there. Man, I never did like that city.

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    1. Yes, but with a minor exception. My cat wouldn't eat another cat if it saw one just walk by.

      I'll be sure and pass this along to Brandon before he leaves so he can experience NOLA in constant paranoia, and maybe he can bring some of his own guns... to prepare for war.

      Delete
  33. How cool is this; you have a hawk for a pet, or maybe it's more like he has you for a pet. either way I think it's a kick. Try not to choke on those tiny bones in the gifts he brings and remember it's the thought that counts.

    Also, a big congrats on the anniversary, and a big thank you for contributing to the economy of Nevada. I hope Brandon enjoys 'The Big Easy', I just can't actually imagine it.

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    1. There are no bones in what he brings me; usually it's just tiny organs. Which is really considerate of him. Are hawks capable of consideration for others? I guess so.

      And I'm not really contributing to the Nevada economy. My in-laws live here, and I'm currently staying with them, and my mother-in-law insists on cooking for us every night, so... my contributions haven't been much more than Trader Joe's and the liquor store.

      Delete
  34. It's a freaking hawk. You don't need to explain outside of that. Enjoy the majesty of nature, neighbors. Sometimes nature comes with massive turds. Hmmm maybe I should look into writing bumper stickers.

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    1. Yes! Frankly, anyone who is being graced by the majestic torrent of an endangered hawk's rear end should be thanking me. Some birds mate for life. This one poops for life.

      Delete
  35. Man, I can't even have one stupid cat in my current apt and you get a HAWK?!? Unfair. (Also, super cool)

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    1. Man, if I ever move out I'm going to have to make sure my next place is hawk friendly.

      Delete
  36. That is awesome, he hangs out with YOU but usually poops elsewhere. This is literally a smarter plan than any of my neighbors or my children. I want to tell you to train him to bring you things, but I read a hilarious WikiHow on Falconry that said something about birds trying to train YOU, so this could end with you hunting for mice and rabbits.
    Still pretty awesome, though!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Here is the WikiHow on Falconry. Apparently you also have to be LICENSED to do that, but this whole page is kind of funny to me:
      http://www.wikihow.com/Train-Your-First-Falcon

      Delete
    2. That link is awesome! I love how one of the first steps after getting your license is letting it live in your house to get used to humans. "No, honey, don't freak out. We're SUPPOSED to let the hawk hang out in our bedroom with us."

      Delete
  37. I do not know about hawks, but when a cat brings you a mouse, it is teaching you to hunt. The first mouse is dead, the second partially alive, and the third, you''re supposed to stalk and kill.

    So when people pet the cat and say "good kitty," the cat is really thinking, "these people are idiots. It's a good thing they know how to open cans because they'd be screwed in the wild."

    Maybe it's the same with hawks.

    Try picking up the kill in your mouth and shaking it around and looking all bad, and maybe the hawk will figure you can take care of yourself.

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    1. I referenced it on that old post, but when he brings them to me, he actually regurgitates them for me. I've read that they do this for potential mates. So he actually is just in love with me. There are not a lot of hawks in this area, so he may just be really confused on what a mate looks like. But... I'm flattered he thinks it looks like me?

      Delete
  38. I don’t know… the way he looks at you, it looks to me like he’s thinking, “I bet his intestines would be really good…”

    To quote the famous Gary Larson, “Birds of Prey know they’re cool.”

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    1. Psssh, he'd choke on these intestines. The little guy's not any bigger than my cat.

      Delete
  39. I think my favorite part is that he does look totally evil from the side but almost like a stuffed animal from the front. One picture made me cringe and then I scrolled down only to "awww!" at him. I think you should name him though.

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    1. Yeah, front on he looks like a stuffed animal. I kinda want to hug him, but I like not getting clawed up and not having bird diseases, so I find myself resisting that urge.

      I DO need to name him. Any suggestions?

      Delete
    2. Well, my mom has been wanting to name an animal "My Mama Is A Whore" for the longest time. She only changed her mind when I reminded her that if I went out to call for the animal, that the entire neighborhood would hear. If you have somebody you're angry at, you can change "Momma" to whatever they are to you and "Whore" to whatever creative curse word you make up. If you ever discuss the hawk, you can't possibly get in trouble for its name!

      If not, then you should give him a classy name, since you two are all about being classy. Sir William Cuntington III should work for you. The III is just because that's what it'll look like on your face if you make him mad.

      Delete
    3. And he's a sir? I think it's official. My hawk's name is Sir William Cuntington III. I love it.

      Now that I'm heading off for vacation soon, I have someone making sure my cat will be okay, but I wonder if I need someone to check in on Sir William.

      "Will you watch Sir William Cuntington III while I'm gone?"
      "Who or what is that?"
      "It's my hawk."
      "He sounds so regal. Of course I will."

      Delete
  40. Now that is an amazing friend to have. Funny how some animals bond with some humans

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    1. I've bonded more with that bird in silence than I have with some humans over hour-long conversations.

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  41. This is strangely sweet. Now I am jealous and want my own pet hawk.

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    1. Have you considered raiding an endangered animal sanctuary? Hawks aplenty. Bald eagles, even, if that's your thing.

      Delete
  42. Ok, that is the coolest thing ever. You made friends with a Hawk! He obviously likes you or he wouldn't keep coming back and bringing you presents. And your cartoons are just the funnies thing.

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    1. The day he starts bringing craft beer and cheeseburgers is the day I leave my wife.

      Delete
  43. Aww, I want a pet hawk! Pretending to eat animal intestines sounds fun! He does look deadly though. There must be something about you that he trusts/doesn't want to rip to shreds. I'd see that as quite an achievement - well done! Next: tigers.

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    1. One day you'll see me ride in majestically on a tiger with a hawk on my shoulder, and it will be amazing. And no one will have believed me until I rain down upon them in a fury of claws and teeth.

      Delete
  44. Someday I was going to mention my Robin who regularly ate digestive biscuits from my hand, but there really isn’t much more to the story and a hawk is cooler.

    Hawk handlers seem to wear chainmail gauntlets forged by Odin, so not getting too close is probably a good idea. Even if it means well and decides to perch on you, it would be like getting a hug from a Kodiak bear.

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    1. Think how much of a conversation starter that'd be at parties, though. "How'd you get those wicked scars on your arms?"
      "Oh, just from my pet hawk."
      (•_•)
      ( •_•)>⌐■-■
      (⌐■_■)

      Delete
  45. I'd totally take whatever that hawk gave me and try and find a creative way to cook it and eat it.

    It would make for a good blog post. Hell, I could probably turn it into a Youtube series and get some of that sweet, sweet, Google money.

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    1. And here we were just going to take the comedy show attempt. I'm listening.

      "Cooking Food My Hawk Brings Me, a web show starring some idiot who spends time with a hawk and thinks it's his friend"

      Delete
  46. This is the best thing I have ever read. Ever. I was a hawk bro. More than anything. What a time to be alive. xx

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    1. Any time I feel down I'm just going to remember that I'm bros with a hawk and suddenly nothing can bring me down. I'm the king of the fucking world.

      Delete
  47. There's something very Harry Potteresque about having your own hawk. It's like a darker version of Hedwig with killer instincts.

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    1. I'd rather have a hawk that can do my killing than send a few messages for me. That's what e-mail's for, dammit.

      Delete
  48. I think the hawk's analyzing you. He's been sent to determine whether you're fit to lead his people to victory over the evil warlock, Mousfasa, and his legions of magical mice.

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    1. If he's only going to fly me and my army of orcs half way, and we have to walk the rest of the way, then I don't think it's going to work out on my end.

      Delete
  49. This may be my favorite post in blogdom ever. A hawk as a bud. What an exotic friendship. I might replace the pot for the neighbor -- just so he/she won't take pot shots at your feathered friend.

    Like Robyn said: you were brave when you first stepped out to say HI to the hawk. I live in an apartment complex by a bayou. I've watched hawks make a happy meal out of a squirrel or two.

    I've sat on my own balcony at night and watched an owl studying me. He never asked his famous WHO question -- which was just as well, for I don't have an anwser!

    Thanks for the laughs and smiles that this post gave me. Brandon will be all right so long as he stays with a group and keeps to the lighted streets at night.

    During and after Katrina, I was on lightless streets in New Orleans for a few days -- it was no fun at all -- but it did give birth to my FRENCH QUARTER NOCTURNE.

    Thanks for the kind words on D.G.'s blog about my novels. I am bookmarking this post so I can come back to it when I am feeling low.

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    1. I've watched my bud make a good mess out of squirrels, too. I wouldn't really call myself brave, I'd just say that I got this really, really strong sense that he didn't want to harm me. He was curious about me. So I went with it. I have plenty of other crazy animal stories but let's just say I've always been a little bit on the Doctor Dolittle side.

      Thanks for the kind words, and thanks for stopping by! We hope we see you around again.

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  50. I thought you two were conjoined twins...now the entire image in my head is ruined.

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    1. Brandon's actually behind me in all of those pictures. During our individual adventures, the one of us not being used is easily able to roll up and take the appearance of a fleshy backpack.

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  51. Cool! My son would like your hawk.

    Maybe you can train that bird to bring you a beer.

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    1. If he brings me a Keystone Light then he's dead to me. I'll chase him off with a broom.

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  52. Love the bro fist bump! The disadvantage to getting here a day late is that everyone else stole the comments I was going to make. So just choose your top three comments and pretend they're from me.

    Just when I thought you couldn't get any more cool, you go and make friends with a hawk.

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    1. You are truly the Fonzie of comments, and we appreciate it immensely. All you need to do is arrive fashionably late, stand in the corner looking tough, and occasionally punch the jukebox, and you've earned our eternal commenting respect.

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  53. Having a pet hawk would be pretty cool!

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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    1. Having a solid gold race car time machine would be cooler, but since I guess that's not realistic, a pet hawk will have to do... for now.

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  54. I want a pet hawk now! So what if disastrous shit contaminates your neighbors anything, it's not even your fault. Put it to sleep, I dare you.

    May the both of you enjoy your vacations!

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    1. You know, hawks are fairly endangered, so here in Colorado it's actually illegal to harm one, meaning that even the act of shoving one off of your balcony with a broom could be grounds for prosecution. In other words... that guy's not going anywhere anytime soon. He chose my place as his "vacation house," and the law says he's fully within his rights to do it.

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  55. Yay! The hawk is back!

    Perhaps you can teach him he noble art of falconry (even though he's a hawk). It would be like having your own feathery boomerang, albeit with very poor roommate manners.

    -Barb

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    1. This kind of hawk actually makes a good falcon. All I need is a falconry glove, a 6 pack of beer, and balls of steel.

      *clang clang*

      Let's do this.

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  56. Replies
    1. To quote my hawk, "SCREEEEEEE."

      ...He's not so gouda with the Engrish.

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  57. I bet Tony Hawk's neighbors complain about the same things.

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    1. Somehow I think the mountain of shit and incessant squawking is worse from Tony than from my Hawk.

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  58. I genuinely don't think I could resist calling him Stephen Hawk King...yup.

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    1. I'm just surprised I never made a corny "rock out with my hawk out" joke.

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    2. Our favorite activity is air hawkey while drinking beer. You know... hawktoberfest.

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    3. Well played Sir, well played.

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  59. Excellent bro-fist Sometimes I feel like an inanimate object. Do you reckon I'm in danger? Seems to me like that bird's got the hot for you....

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    1. You're a good friend to the blog, so I think you'll be alright. Just show him your guest pass next time you stop by, and not only will he not peck your eyes out, but you'll get $2 off your next purchase of a medium drink.

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  60. Man love! I totally remember that post - thank you, I am sitting here laughing my ass off.

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    1. This hawk has loved me longer than some of the women that have been in my life.

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  61. Things the hawk and I have in common: Cute and cuddly from the front, dangerous from the side. :D

    That is pretty cool though! I'm not sure that our relationship would have ever progressed beyond me looking at it from behind my door, but you're much braver than I am.

    I have struck up a friendship with an awfully friendly cat that likes to roam around the neighborhood. Now if I could only train it to bring me wine...

    Enjoy your vacation!

    Sam
    Writing Through College

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    1. I have a few neighborhood cat friends as well, but I don't think they're going to hang around anymore now that they may be considered walking snack foods.

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  62. Have a great time in New Orleans Brandon, and have a happy anniversary in Las Vegas Bryan! You won't have to worry about a thing, as your guard hawk will be house sitting for you! Does he bring in your mail too? What a phenomenal story!

    Julie

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    1. I just got back from Vegas and boy are my arms tired. If only I'd had a hawk to fly me there...

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  63. Pretty sure that's a prairie falcon, not a hawk.
    http://ebirdr.com/files/images/3162-prairie-falcon.jpg
    The red-tail that lives in my yard has a 5-foot wingspan and could eat an antelope, fellow Coloradan.

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    1. The prairie falcon has really big black bug eyes, though, and this guy doesn't. His are yellow. I figured him to be a Ferruginous Hawk, if only for the fact that I live a quarter mile away from a protected Ferruginous Hawk habitat. I could be wrong, though.

      This guy has about a 4 foot wingspan, which isn't bad for a flying bowling pin.

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  64. As I was MIA last week...you are no doubt on your vacay having some fun.

    That is hysterical about the hawk befriending you. He must not feel threatened in any way or he is trying to buy you off with his gifts. AND while is a a fine looking bird....birds killing things freak the shit out of me. Seriously fucking freak me out.

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    1. Oddly enough, a bird that can tear me apart is still not as horrific as the thought of a big spider killing and eating something. Don't ask me why, but I'll take the hawk any time. Maybe it's because deep down he's kinda cute... in a miniature serial killer kind of way.

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