You've lived here only a year and already my pet hawk has made quite the mess of your place. Pots thrown everywhere, animal carcasses, mountains of excrement. It's like my balcony is his personal bachelor pad while your balcony is just his big rectangular garbage can.
Now, I didn't ASK to have a pet hawk. It's not like one day I walked out onto my balcony and said, "You know what would complete my life? A pet hawk, one that I can use like my own personal avian bodyguard."
But a few years ago he just started coming around my balcony. Ours is a complex relationship, you see. It started off with boundaries. He'd perch on the balcony ledge for hours at a time, and each time I peeked through the blinds, he'd just stare at me.
I got brave. Or maybe stupid (I mean, have you seen the talons on these things?), because he seemed more curious about me than anything, so on one of his visits I stepped outside. He watched me for a few minutes, and then he flew away. I thought maybe I had offended him with my presence. I do that to people, you know. But he came back about an hour later with a gift. A dead mouse. Not the best gift I've ever received, but honestly, still not the worst.
Now whenever he comes by I just sit and hang out on the balcony with him. Sometimes he brings me things, sometimes not. But I'm sorry, dear neighbor, that when he's done with his meal he often tosses the carcass on your balcony. And I'm sorry that when he's done hanging out with his favorite human and hops up and flies away to go do hawk things that he almost always sprays your balcony with a torrent of bird shit.
I'm also sorry that last week he used one of your potted plants like a bowl so he could eat a rabbit's intestines like spaghetti. After which he flew away with your pot, smashed it on the ground, and started pecking at it aggressively.
He has a bit of an anger problem with inanimate objects. Not so much with me, though.
I should mention that in all fairness, the hawk's been coming around for years now, and you've only been here one year. Perhaps the Realtor that sold you the house should have explained to you that the guy living to the right of you has a very loud motorcycle, and the guy living to the left of you has a hawk. I think those are both valid concerns when purchasing a house.
But since it's too late for that, I can only apologize on my hawk's behalf. You know, since he can't do it himself.
Your neighbor Bryan
Since I know the comments will be full of "Is this real?" I'll beat you to the punch. Yes, all of this is true. He drops by once every few months, and mine is the only balcony he'll sit on. Most often he only wants to spend about an hour with me, but he's been known to wait overnight for me (as evident by a small mountain of shit on my own balcony when I wake up). He also brings me animal parts, at which point he'll sit and stare at them, then at me, then back at them, waiting for me to eat it.
...I just kick them aside when he's not looking. "Mmmm, thanks buddy, that was SOOO good!"
My balcony is really small, so when I'm with him, I'm only about 2 feet away from him. I don't dare get any closer than that, though, since we may be buddies and all but I don't want him mistaking it for aggression and clawing my face off.
And I do indeed just hang outside with him, usually drinking a beer and reflecting on life while we occasionally exchange glances. Believe it or not, a hawk makes for pretty good company with that.
Also, it's kind of amusing to me, because from the side he looks like such a badass killer...
But when he looks you straight on, he looks completely harmless. Goofy, even. He looks like a teddy bear and a bowling pin had a love child.
It's a good reflection of our relationship, you might say. The killer brings me the gifts, but the bowling pin teddy bear is the one that hangs out beside me silently like an old drinking buddy.
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)
Beer: The Ale of Yoto
P.S. If comments, snarky replies, and returned e-mails are slow around these parts it's because the two of us are going on vacation. No, not with each other, you weirdos. Bryan's going to be in Las Vegas celebrating his 3 year wedding anniversary, and Brandon will be in New Orleans with his fiancee celebrating historic liver damage. Posts have been pre-scheduled, and we'll see you soon!