Monday, May 12, 2014

Divine Secrets of the Yee-Haw Brotherhood

Not so long ago, in a state not all that far away, Brandon was fortunate enough to be introduced to the ancient and mysterious arts of "being a real man." That time was two weeks ago and that state was Nebraska. And even though Brandon does construction work during the day, rebuilds old axes for fun, and listens to enough heavy metal to give Sammy Hagar a headache, Brandon still knew his manhood required the mentorship of a higher power. And so his quest led him to a place where cattle outnumbered men a thousand to one: Nebraska.








Brandon knew he was going to need a lot a work.

For this, the elder council of wise men, comprised of a dozen cowboys, rednecks, and all-around manly men, helped initiate Brandon into their tutelage by taking him to a cattle branding. And castration. It was a place where Brandon saw more testicles than he ever had in his life. But first, as is customary, there was the pre-branding ceremony of drinking one's weight in beer the night before.







Fun fact: Keystone Lights aren't nearly so light when you've had 27 of them in one sitting.

And apparently where most folks would pass out or check into a hospital after having that many beers, the cowboys had only just begun.

Following a forty minute ride into the vast, rolling countryside of nowhere, Brandon and the elders of manliness arrived at the ranch. His brow was sweaty and his hands shook. It wasn't the doing of Folgers, but rather that of Keystone Light. And the branding commenced by the gathering of the cattle. There were horses, and lassos, and a mobile fire-pit the size of an elephant.



But no, apparently that meant pinning them to the ground so they could be castrated, branded, and given shots. And Brandon gave it his all.










Some might say that the atomic piledriver was a little unnecessary, but it's surprisingly easy to brand and castrate a cow you've battered unconscious.

And soon after, Brandon learned that if you're going to spend the day watching testicles be pulled out of a bull scrotum and thrown onto a fryer, it's best not to be hungover for the event. Fortunately, his wise elders knew of a simple and ancient hangover remedy.



Ultimately, Brandon wound up no manlier than he had upon his arrival, but he did learn a few things that he would forever treasure and practice. He learned that the art of true beer drinking is not an event, but rather a lifestyle. From bottleneck to urinal drain, it was a metaphorical circle of life, really. And judging by the chunks of spaghetti spattered on that urinal, let it be noted that while Keystone Light giveth, Keystone Light also taketh away.

Any cowboys in these here parts?

Cheers!

-Brandon (and Bryan)

Beer: Keystone Light
Music: Hank Williams



123 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Yes as long as it's on your belly button and it's also this.

      Delete
    2. Guess I'm out of luck. Its on my hip and looks more like a stuffed animal

      Delete
  2. Pass on the cow balls...
    Your vehicle also needed a gun rack.
    So, no piledriving cows? What about cow-tipping? How many Keystone Lights are required before cow-tipping?

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    1. Here in Colorado our Subarus have bike racks AND gun racks because we believe in shooting your face off but we also believe in being friendly to mother earth in the process.

      Also, pushing over a cow seems like a better idea before all of those beers. After, they seem as if to push you back...

      Delete
  3. Did you give the cow a DDT? Sleeper hold? The flying elbow was good, but did you then hold your hand up to your ear at all four corners of the ring? The figure four leg lock was good, but for a cow, nothing beats the camel clutch (possibly the most racist name of all pro wrestling moves as it was used by the Iron Sheik).
    Keystone Light? Yikes. You can tell Keystone Light is quality by the fact they only come in 30 packs and there is no Keystone regular.

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    1. At one point Brandon hypnotized the cow into running full speed into the turnbuckle, and then ever so gracefully hopped onto its shoulders, locked his legs around its neck, and backflipped it onto its head where he finished with the three count.

      And I'm pretty sure Keystone Lights are sold in 30 packs so that you're guaranteed to get drunk. Because if you want to get hammered, God knows a 6, a 12, or even an 18 is not going to do the trick.

      Delete
  4. Well that's one interpretation of "growing a pair". Literally cultivating them on cows, then harvesting for a delicious fried treat.
    We don't have cowboys around here but we have... teenage girls that are extremely obsessed with horses? That sort of counts somewhere, right?

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    1. They aren't Bronies, are they? And it all depends on what they want to do with the horse. Ride it along a mountainside? Cowboy as fuck. Brush its hair? Weak. Reenact Mr. Hands? For God's sake, man, that's awful. This is a family website.

      Delete
  5. I grew up on a farm with just a couple of cows and pre-op steers. And we had to do this every couple of years.Awful, awful stuff. Not manly so much as… awful. This is at least part of why I couldn't get off the farm fast enough. But in the Marines we did sometimes put away vast amounts of Keystone Light. I had a friend that could down a twelver before hitting the head. Also, also, nice cow wrestling form.

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    1. I think it's just kind of disconcerting how they kind of... just, pop off. Without any kind of blood. If anyone pulled my testicles off, I'm sure there would be so much blood, and so much screaming.

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  6. Even though I live (born and raised) in the south, we don't have much of a cowboy culture here. At least in my area. Redneck rebels sure, but not many cowboys. I'd rather have more people in funny hats trying to square dance than these idiots thinking the civil war isn't over. Most of whom probably think they speak American.

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    1. Hey now, boy, I say I say, Robert E. Lee was a brilliant general, even if he lost, and he stood for good American values like making people your property.

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    2. lol We must live near each other. My dad and sister reenacts a few times a month. They just don't understand why I have no interest in putting on 200 pounds of clothes and pretending my house is a tent and I don't have electricity. Its pure insanity

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  7. Here in the Canadian West, we call sauteed cow testicles "prairie oysters." They're our main regional delicacy.

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    1. And around here, they're called "Rocky Mountain Oysters," and are equally considered a delicacy. No joke.

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  8. Wow, you really went all Hulk Hogan on it and made the cow say its prayers and eat its vitamins, not sure the snip snip part and eating their balls were part of his speech though hahaha blah

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    1. Like the Native American, the proud cowboy uses and eats every part of the animal. Even the testicles. Better than throwing them in the trash can... maybe... I guess?

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  9. I have had some dreams of being a cowboy. I'd like to know how to ride a horse at least. I don't think I could pile drive a cow though. Those things are pretty heavy, you'd actually have to be pretty buff and manly to pick one of those up for a pile driver.

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    1. Riding horses is a blast. I'd definitely recommend it. What I would not recommend is picking up a cow. It's best to just yell something like, "Hey, look over there!" and then push them over while they're distracted.

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  10. I can't say that I have done any farming. And I definitely couldn't keep up with the beer drinking. I am what they call a LIGHT WEIGHT. Of course, it doesn't help that I don't drink beer any longer. I do believe that fella would have called me a Sissygirl. But, I wouldn't have been hungover during the castrating part. That doesn't mean, though, that I wouldn't have vomited all over the place. That sounds just horrific. I am surprised those manly men don't cuddle their private parts after yanking them off those poor cows. If I had man parts, I am sure that I would cuddle them plenty after something like that.

    Reading this bit I now know why there is a song that says, "Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys." Turns out that it involves yanking off testicles. Who wants to do that??? And I am sure the branding was fun, too... NOT.

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    1. Amen. You never really have a deep appreciation for a body part until you witness said part being ripped off of a creature, and then thrown into a vat of boiling oil. What they call "lunch" I call "any man's worst nightmare."

      Delete
  11. >>... You some kinda sassy British sissyboy?

    Is there ANY other kinda British... boy?
    GOL'd!

    >>... the vast, rolling countryside of nowhere...

    Ya know, on a road trip in my early twenties, I once thought I'd gotten lost in the countryside of Nowhere. But then I remembered what Jack Kerouac had written in 'The Dharma Bums':

    Then suddenly everything was just like jazz: it happened in one insane second or so: I looked up and saw Japhy running down the mountain in huge twenty-foot leaps, running, leaping, landing with a great drive of his booted heels, bouncing five feet or so, running, then taking another long crazy yelling yodelaying sail down the sides of the world and in that flash I realized it's impossible to fall off mountains, you fool...

    In the same way, I realized that it's impossible to be "Nowhere" and lost.

    And HERE I am TODAY, which absolutely PROVES that theory. (It's still real to me, damn it!)

    Hey lemme tell ya, Cowboys be ...BAD Mofos!

    Who would win in a fight, Cowboys or Pirates?
    And mo' importantly...
    Who could drink more, Cowboys or Pirates?

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. >>... and there is no Keystone regular.

      HA! That is really funny and, as far as I know, he or she is RIGHT!

      What does it say about a beer when it comes ONLY in a "Light" variety?

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'L.A.U.'

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    2. What does it say about the beer? I do not know.

      What does it say about the brewer? He's an idiot!

      Wouldn't you have to have a regular in order for there to be a light?

      Otherwise, what is it light compared to?

      That's as silly as when a restaurant has two sizes...."medium" and "large."

      Delete
    3. Touché, LC!

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'L.A.U.'

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    4. The cowboys would definitely win, unless the pirates were Somali pirates because those sumbitches have AK 47s. And if the cowboys were Dallas Cowboys they'd also lose. QB would get sacked at the goal line and the pirate would hobble it back for a 100 yard touchdown, peg leg and all.

      Delete
    5. Whoa, stop the presses. Did you know that while it's incredibly hard to find, there IS such a thing as regular Keystone? It comes in red boxes and I would not expect it to taste much better than Keystone Light.

      Keystone Regular

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    6. Well, I'll be damned! I wonder if Total Wine & More carries 'Keystone' Regular. (I guess I'll wonder that forever... since I ain't gonna go lookin' for it.)

      Ya know, I've been thinkin'...

      What this post needed was... [wait for it] ...
      ...More "Cowballs".

      Sheesh! Someone shoot me!
      They milk cows and shoot horses, don't they?!

      (Do cows really have balls? That's udderly surprising to me.)

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

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    7. Male cows do really have balls, but I guess saying "male cow" is an oxymoron since technically cow means a mature female, even though we colloquially use the term 'cow' just to describe the species as a whole. The technical term for a male cow is a steer.

      Look at me, sounding all edumucated about agriculture.

      Oh, and with all of the chickens and cows that these cowboys have, they should open their own restaurant, where they could serve nothing but fried chicken and fried cow genitalia.

      They could call it "Wings N Things."

      (Someone shoot me too, please)

      Delete
  12. Hahaha. I have my dad side of family living in remote parts of India. Luckily my dad is an atheist and moved to city kinda of pseudo adopted by his cousin family and studied there and climbed up social ladder pretty soon and a proud self made man and a rebel. Else yeah I would have gotten my hands on making cow dung mortar and biogas and grazing animals would have been my past time.

    thankfully for us milk comes from grocery store and wheat is something that helps make all purpose flour and water is manufactured and bottled in cans like cone.

    cow testicles? New mothers are force fed with goat heads delicacy in India.why? It is believed that if they eat goat head then the new born shall turn and be able to hold his head firm soon. And yeah no tummy time for Indian babies.

    my grandma may have more tales :)

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    1. That's awesome. I'd love to know the reasoning behind that. The correlation. "Well, see, the goat has a really strong neck, so when you eat its head, your baby inherits... its strong neck, I guess?"

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    2. Inherit strong goat neck? Hmm does it worth risk inheriting goat brain, I think I'll pass. Goat head-> mommy food -> not even umbilical cord but breast milk -> baby.

      I just think that mommy had craving for goat head and her husband had to convince his mom to get that for her and he had to cook up a story to cook goat head.

      Delete
  13. I've always imagined that there would be a peculiar beauty to the life of a real cowboy. A simplicity that doesn't exist in most of our worlds. If something needs doing, you do it yourself and you don't need to spend money on frippery. What we saw of the American West was likely romanticized though.

    I grew up on a farm and reality would seem brutal to outsiders. Slaughtering livestock is routine and you do it without being emotional. The only time I remember crying was when one of my horses had a complex break in her leg. We did call the vet, which was rare as that cost money. He said there was no way to save the animal. My uncle put her down with a single bullet through her brain. I'll never forget the sound of that shot ringing out from the barn. Hurt my uncle to do it, but it had to be so. I cried like a baby on that day.

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    1. I can definitely appreciate that. Self reliance is huge, and it's kind of cool to see a culture that doesn't need to lean on their cellphones and laptops for entertainment every 10 seconds. On the other hand, though... there is fucking nothing to do but sit on the porch and drink!

      Delete
  14. Rocky Mountain Oysters in Nebraska...that just doesn't seem right. I can't imagine

    1) Being forced to drink Keystone Light. When I bash Coors Light, I completely forgot about Keystone Light...not sure which is worse...

    2) I've had Rocky Mountain Oysters, which I think is a requirement for living in Colorado, as is climbing at least one 14er (Greys for me). They actually don't taste bad. However, the morning after fucking Keystone Light and then the fact that you removed them from the bull yourself...well that's a formula for urinal splattering...

    Great story. Love the cartoons, especially the ones of Brandon branding...priceless!
    Nicely done, as always. I sure wish you guys could speed up your creative process because one cartoon a week just isn't enough...but I shouldn't mess with a good thing, be grateful for what I have, and go back and read what I missed before I met you.

    Tina @ Life is Good
    On the Open Road! @ Join us for the 4th Annual Post-Challenge Road Trip!

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    1. Rocky Mountain Oysters aren't bad. But the ones Brandon had, well, these cowboys weren't exactly chefs, so it wasn't great.

      Also, we COULD make cartoons twice a week, but we figure we could better utilize our time with other things. Like our upcoming YouTube show. You think our comics are funny? You should see us hamming it up in 1080p.

      Delete
  15. I remember the day I became a real man. I went to visit my father in the boonies of Maine. He has all sorts farm animals. On my way to the pen wrangle a goat, I smashed my shin, like, really really hard on one of the steps. I knew I was finally a man when I only cried about it for 3 minutes.

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    1. I haven't had my Bar Mitzvah yet, mostly because I'm not Jewish, so I recently learned that I'm not yet a man. And I don't know how I feel about being a 30 year old boy. At least I have the appropriate amount of facial hair, that number being zero.

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  16. Does anyone ever eat these things after they know what they are?

    On my first trip to Denver, they tried to scam me with the Rocky Mountain Oysters, but I'd seen that in a movie and knew better...

    LC

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    1. The real ones that are made in a restaurant aren't bad, but the ones Brandon had... yeah, I wouldn't have put those in my mouth. He's a bigger man than I. Or a lesser man. Depending on your view of balls in the mouth.

      Delete
  17. Testicles from bulls don't taste like chicken? - like everything else from rabbit to gator. . .? I still think I'll pass on the appies, if you don't mind. Why do some people think their way is the only way?

    I decided when I fell off the side of that horse on a trail ride, the cowgirl life wasn't for me. (they forgot to tighten the belt enough, and what did I know. . .) I just didn't want my camera damaged. Me and the horse were still friends.

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    1. The only time I've ridden horses is on one of those lame tour-guided ones where everyone pretty much does the work for you and then you walk around a trail for about an hour. And that's perfectly fine by me. I like my spine undamaged.

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  18. I stood up to my sister's wedding with my brother-in-law's "real man" cowboy friend, who loves him some Rocky Mountain Oysters. And probably Keystone Light, and so I'm assuming Hank Williams. I don't know what else he likes because as you can imagine, I avoided him like the plague and anytime he spoke I went to my happy place mentally, which has no canned beer or edible testicles. I hope you got a healthy dose of testosterone out of the deal, you earned it!

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    1. If food works the way I think it does, then all of those testicles have basically tripled my testosterone. I've since grown three beards and my six pack has a six pack on top of its own six pack.

      You can't argue with science.

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  19. Working in an agricultural high school that certainly discussing the topic of castrating bulls, it comes as no surprise to me that partaking in such an activity would require you to be drunk throughout it.

    Also: there had better been a lumberjack or two with that crowd, but I suspect that would have been too "Canadian" for that lot.

    -Barb

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    1. I don't think lumberjack is a very viable career option in Nebraska, seeing as how there's no trees. But you need some corn chopped down? Boy howdy, that guy would be busy for YEARS.

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    2. I do recall seeing that South Park episode in which Cartman went to visit his family in Nebraska. The transition from crossing over the mountainous Colorado state line into corn field-riddled Nebraska made for a stark contrast.

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  20. I used to have family in Nebraska.

    They were killed when hunting coyotes for bounty from a prop plane... drunk.

    I'm not kidding about that.

    When I think of Nebraska (which, granted, isn't often), I always think of hunting coyotes for bounty from a prop plane, drunk.

    Now THAT is all kinds of manly.

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    1. And now *I'M* going to forever think of hunting coyotes for bounty from a prop plane. And thus completes the circle of life... or something like that. I've been drinking all morning and everything seems really metaphorical right now.

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  21. Two things stood out for me: "Hurk" and "Cow-limari" Very funny.

    The closest I've been to a farm is my ex-boyfriend's mom's house. She lives on a few acres. She owns some horses, cows, chickens and a bull. That bull is pretty damn scary. But, the meanest thing on the farm is the rooster. He's just all squawky and always flapping at everybody all the time. Just evil.

    I'm curious though, are you saying my Subaru isn't bad ass? Cause mine has a sunroof. Just sayin'

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    1. Yeah, but my Audi has a moonroof. The sun is so lame. Call me when your lamemobile can actually see the FREAKING MOON.

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  22. Note to self: Do not make a wrong turn into Nebraska. Thank goodness becoming a full-fledged city girl involves only a $25+ purchase at Victoria's Secret, applying Bieber perfume once daily for three weeks, and discovering the magic of Febreeze.

    xoRobyn

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    1. What's funny is that these Nebraska cowboys think the two of us are really cityboys, like practically living in the Big Apple.

      If you pass through Denver, it looks like this. About 8 sky scrapers and a few highways. And THAT is the big, overpopulated, evil city to them.

      Denver skyline

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  23. Yikes and Yuck! That's all I have to say!

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    1. Don't knock cow balls till you've tried 'em. They're practically swimming in protein.

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  24. Shot for shot I had the EXACT same experience, only replace Nebraska with Big Piney, "Why"oming, and replace the urinal for breast crevices (yes, there was spaghetti vomit in my bra)....

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    1. We also have had our fair share of adventures in "Why"oming. My least proud was being dragged to a strip club there. It was called The Clown's Den, and it was every bit as horrible as expected (stretch marks EVERYWHERE).

      Man, it's got to be awesome to have two free bowls beneath you when you're snacking and drop something. But when you're sick... that's just not cool.

      Delete
  25. As an ex-Nebraskan, I missed seeing any manly men wrangling cows. (thank god). Although, I did make sure I only bought Am-mere-i-cun made cars during my 7 years as a Ne. resident. Didn't want to offend the locals.

    I think Brandon needs to go easy on any bovine in that state. The poor cows are all paranoid due to the fact there are meat packing plants on every corner. I am sure when they see each other going by, they say "Dead cow walking!"

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    1. I don't think these guys so much mind import cars as they just can't wrap their brains around a "mini truck that doesn't haul anything."

      And are there meat packing plants on every corner? They must be hidden among that eternal sea of corn...

      Delete
    2. Crazy amount of meat packing plants. I managed the unemployment office in Nebraska and people come from all over the country to work there. The jobs are union jobs and they are hard to keep filled because of the nature of the "blood and guts" type of work. Nebraska has more beef packing plants than any other state ahead of the #2 Texas. (or at least that was the case unless it has changed)

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  26. Wow. I mean, I knew cowboys were pretty hard core, but THAT was disturbing. I mean, how lacking are you in actual manliness when you rip the balls off of cattle, fry them up and then eat them right in front of that poor castrated animal? Are they hoping to absorb some of the animal's toughness? Or is it simply a power play to keep the coyotes in line?

    "See what I did to this cow? And he didn't even do anything to me, did he? Well, just imagine what I'll do to you if you even so much as sniff my boots! Back off!"

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    1. I'd be willing to bet it's the first option. Like some kind of fucked up superhero, this mild mannered cowboy will ingest the hormone-filled testicles of an an angry cow, and by inheriting all of that testosterone, will morph into the superhero The Raging Bull.

      Or, since it doesn't work like that, just become "Guy Who Shouldn't Have Eaten Poorly Cooked Cow Testicles Man" aka "Captain Food Poisoning."

      Delete
    2. Captain Food Poisoning...wasn't that a really bad comic book series in the 1880's?...

      Delete
    3. You're thinking of Commander Dysentery. He's responsible for millions of cowboys and cowgirls (cowpeople?) shitting their organs out in the 1800s, and also responsible for so many lost games of Oregon Trail.

      Delete
  27. So is this how Red Bull was really invented?

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    1. Red Bull gives you wings, but I bet castration could make a man fly just as high.

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  28. Beer is nasty. Like drinking year old piss found in a urinal, nasty. LOL

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    Replies
    1. Not all beer, but your typical Keystone Light/Coors Light/Bud Light definitely tastes like piss. Craft beer is pretty amazing, though.

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  29. Hmmm. Something that doesn't taste like chicken! ;0)

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    1. I don't know, it still might. What do a chicken's testicles taste like?

      Delete
  30. Don't the British have something called Spotted Dick? Could go well with bull testicles.

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    1. If you're going to have innuendo for dinner then it's only fair you have a Whoopie Pie for dessert.

      Delete
  31. It sounds like the plot of City Slickers! Anyone? Anyone?

    ...i'll see myself out.

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    1. Just so long as you don't compare either of us to Billy Crystal. We may not be the epitome of manliness, but we're infinitely tougher and more badass than him.

      Delete
  32. Did the calf make an awful sound when you tackled it? Did you half to put on a kevlar vest and mount up to defend the cattle from the evil government, like Cliven Bundy? More importantly, what do a bunch of ranchers and city folk talk about when they're wasted on Keystone?

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    1. They talk about the metaphoricals of life. Where we've come from as mankind, and where we will go long those of us who ponder these very questions are gone.

      LOL, just kidding, they talk about boobs and football.

      Delete
  33. Wow. Nothing like branding, a little ol' castration, and eating Bull's Jewels to set a man on a straight path.

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    1. Bull's Jewels - "If you can't buy your lady a real diamond, get her the next best thing... some jewels."

      Delete
  34. I'd like to see those cowboys handle a Flirtini.

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    1. But easy on the "tini", guys, I'm watching my figure.

      Delete
  35. It all sounds so... bonding. I'll stick with cooking in the kitchen.

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    1. I too would rather cook in the kitchen alone and make a masterpiece than bond with a bunch of rednecks and fry up unwanted cow parts... which is probably the most yuppie, whitebread thing I've ever said.

      Delete
  36. Do you know what you should try? Being a girl. Much more fun. You can drive whatever car you like, drink one beer and announce you've had enough because you're starting to bloat, and there's no cow testicles involved!

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    1. I'd try that, but have you seen my bone structure? Hardly conducive for makeup. And it's hard to fit quads like mine into a mini skirt. Like a 10 lb sausage in a 5 lb casing.

      Delete
  37. Okay...so all I could think as I read this post was of this artsy movie called the "Weather War" where two men from Finland journey to tornado alley to try to contain a tornado with some device they built. The good farmers of that area are all like "Lar? That's your name, huh?"

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    1. I've actually seen that movie. And the experience was pretty identical, only with about 100% more cow testicles.

      Delete
  38. If drinking Keystone Light makes you more of a man then I guess I'm forever stuck in adolescence because that shit is downright nasty.

    Oh, and flying elbow smashing a cow is not a form of meat tenderizing!

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    1. No, but the spinning suplex and the piledriver off the turnbuckle afterwards made that meat fall right off the bone.

      Delete
  39. My husband and my boys will be cattle rusting this weekend...tis that time of year! It's about like you describe, though they won't be getting the beer and they clamp(imagine a vasectomy via vise grips!) the cattle instead of cutting them. And they don't wrestle them to the ground, they herd them into head gates (bull time out...thought they can still kick, so behind the bull with clamps isn't the best place to be!)

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    1. I don't think they usually wrestle cows, so much as they were just trying to initiate Brandon by seeing if he could. And dammit, he could.

      Delete
  40. Nice cow wrestling technique! Sounds like you had plenty of good food and fun. I hope you gave your new friends a fake name, so you don't have to see them again. Unless of course, you're planning on turning this into an annual event. Yeeha!

    Julie

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    1. Oops that's Yee-Haw! Sorry cow hands!

      Delete
    2. This is Brandon's soon to be brother-in-law, so not only will this be an annual event, but he gets to drink that sweet, sweet Keystone at least once a month.

      Delete
  41. Cow-limary! LOL I think they're also called Rocky Mountain oysters . . . whatever the name: NO! *shivers*

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    1. That's indeed their given name, but somehow that doesn't help improve the taste. Still, though, better than 'lengua,' which is cow tongue. Or 'sesos,' which is cow brain. Apparently every part of the cow can be put into a taco. Welcome to Mexican Culture 101. And yes, I've eaten all of them (Brains taste the best. Mmmm... brains).

      Delete
  42. Have you seen that Ewan McGregor thing, Long Way Round?
    I think that's right, anyway.

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    1. I have neither seen it nor heard of it, so I'm not sure the reference. Do they castrate steers?

      Delete
  43. If I take anything from this it's definitely to be suspicious of anything dubbed "oysters".

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    1. I'm even dubious of real oysters. Anything that slides around inside a shell like mucus can't possibly be food, no matter what high culture insists on telling me.

      Delete
  44. I was gonna castrate my rooster...I couldn't find his balls. Too many feathers I guess. I bet Keith Stone could have found them though.

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    1. +1,000,000 bonus points for the Keith Stone reference. God those commercials were awful.

      I went through my closet once, looking for mothballs. But I just couldn't figure out a way to spread their tiny legs apart.

      Ba dum TISH.

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  45. Yep, I've been to a branding and castration. Lucky me, being a girl I don't have to wrestle no cows. Didn't see no Keystone Light either, but I will attest to the fact that everyone was pretty swell lit both before and after.

    Another funny post with great comics, but the comment section on this one was priceless, or maybe I'm just bored. I'm sure hoping you can say something else 'yuppie and white bread'. Ha,ha,ha!

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    1. "You want me to wrestle this cow? Here, hold my cardigan and cashmere pullover..."

      "Are these cage free, organic testicles? I'm trying to eat cruelty free."

      "If by 'instant Folgers' you mean 'skinny double-blended nonfat organic chocolate caramel frappucino with extra foam' then yes I would like coffee with breakfast."

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  46. Nothing like a bit of the ale before a long days work. Glad you survived it. A lesser man would not. You've earned your stripes in my book. Rocky Mountain Oysters or not.

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    1. Just the fact that Brandon was able to wrestle the cow without any proper instruction and without hurting himself or the cow is an achievement in itself.

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  47. So what exactly does a Keystone light taste like? We have the Keystone V9 here, it's supposed to be higher alcohol content but it's about as flat and disgusting as the crusty roach I stomped to death a few nights ago.

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    1. I had to Google that, and it seems V9 is exclusive to you guys, which is really no loss for anyone outside of Puerto Rico.

      If you want to know what Keystone Light is, just imagine they poured you half a V9 in a mug and then topped the other half with water. There's a reason they sell 30 packs for only $15.

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  48. Oh god, light beer. No. No. No.

    My Asian genetics don't allow me to drink much. If I'm going to drink, I'm making sure that it's quality alcohol.

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    1. Amen to that. Especially because you can find some really, really strong craft beers with as much as 10% alcohol, which is like drinking 3 light beers. So I don't believe in the bullshit excuse of "light beer will get ya drunk faster and cheaper."

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  49. Replies
    1. I certainly wouldn't kick this post out of bed.

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  50. I think you have a comic strip in the making!

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    1. According to the publisher we're talking with (fingers crossed) we're thinking full color picture book. ;)

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  51. I work in a steakhouse now. Either the men are super fancy guys in suits who have no idea that people actually use "ain't" and "y'all" in a regular sentence where I'm from. Or they're rednecks who dress like Larry the Cable Guy and have Bud Lite running through their veins. I now want to put them in a room together and see what happens.

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    1. This may very well be the only reality show you would ever catch me watching.

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  52. My Daddy wanted to turn me into a real cowboy. Of course the imaginary Indian in me felt otherwise. It only makes sense (in a twisted way) that I ended up marrying an Indian girl (from India, that's right). Are you still with me?

    Anytooters and bullhorns in a sack, I didn't know fried bull testicles were so small.

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    1. My mommy wanted me to become a priest. The devil in me said otherwise? It's okay, though, because I married a Mexican woman who some might call "la diabla" so I am equally twisted.

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  53. Love the wrestling sequence - kinda makes me want to kick a cow's ass. Actually... that sounds hard... Maybe I'll just eat a steak...

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    1. I think eating it still counts. "Ha, you totally got eaten like a little bitch."

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  54. There was a time where I would have eaten them, but not now. Neb's all Jebs, I say. You guys still make me chortle and guffaw.

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    1. The version that isn't just thrown into a vat of bubbling oil in a redneck's barbecue pit isn't bad. But the version that is... you're not missing much. And thank you.

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  55. Eeek! And here I thought cowboys were sexy somehow. Changing my mind on that one.

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