Brandon knew he was going to need a lot a work.
For this, the elder council of wise men, comprised of a dozen cowboys, rednecks, and all-around manly men, helped initiate Brandon into their tutelage by taking him to a cattle branding. And castration. It was a place where Brandon saw more testicles than he ever had in his life. But first, as is customary, there was the pre-branding ceremony of drinking one's weight in beer the night before.
Fun fact: Keystone Lights aren't nearly so light when you've had 27 of them in one sitting.
And apparently where most folks would pass out or check into a hospital after having that many beers, the cowboys had only just begun.
Following a forty minute ride into the vast, rolling countryside of nowhere, Brandon and the elders of manliness arrived at the ranch. His brow was sweaty and his hands shook. It wasn't the doing of Folgers, but rather that of Keystone Light. And the branding commenced by the gathering of the cattle. There were horses, and lassos, and a mobile fire-pit the size of an elephant.
But no, apparently that meant pinning them to the ground so they could be castrated, branded, and given shots. And Brandon gave it his all.
Some might say that the atomic piledriver was a little unnecessary, but it's surprisingly easy to brand and castrate a cow you've battered unconscious.
And soon after, Brandon learned that if you're going to spend the day watching testicles be pulled out of a bull scrotum and thrown onto a fryer, it's best not to be hungover for the event. Fortunately, his wise elders knew of a simple and ancient hangover remedy.
Ultimately, Brandon wound up no manlier than he had upon his arrival, but he did learn a few things that he would forever treasure and practice. He learned that the art of true beer drinking is not an event, but rather a lifestyle. From bottleneck to urinal drain, it was a metaphorical circle of life, really. And judging by the chunks of spaghetti spattered on that urinal, let it be noted that while Keystone Light giveth, Keystone Light also taketh away.
Any cowboys in these here parts?
-Brandon (and Bryan)
Beer: Keystone Light
Music: Hank Williams