Monday, April 14, 2014

Pro Wrestling: The Manliest Sport in the World

Every sport wants to be the manliest sport. Not to be sexist, but that's just the way it is, was, and always will be. From the bloody times of the gladiators to the invention of ro-sham-bo, men have been trying to outman one another for centuries. Whether it's ice hockey, Russian roulette, or women's softball, every game of sport throughout history has tried to proclaim itself as the ballsiest display of manly might. But there can be only one king:


That's right. Professional wrestling is the manliest sport in history. So manly, in fact, that its outcome can actually bring a grown man to tears, be they tears of heartbreak or tears of joy.




So today we're gonna show you why pro wrestling is the manliest sport ever, and why wrestlers are the straightest, manliest fucking bunch of men you've ever laid eyes on.

Don't believe us?

Well, would it be unmanly to shave your entire body, thus enhancing all of those menacing muscles?


And what about a thick coat of bronze, aka the spray tan? Is that not the manliest way to transform oneself into a living god?


And that's just scratching the surface. A wrestler's manliness goes far beyond his hot bod. If you want that extra touch of manly awesomeness, you've got to have long, silky hair that flows like a horse's mane as you prance ever so elegantly around the ring.

Maybe he's born with it, maybe it's WRASTLIN!

And guyliner. You need SO MUCH GUYLINER.


And don't forget the outfit. Pads and helmets are for pussies. So are clothes. You need a thong small enough to make a stripper blush, so you can properly display the bulge. Bring focus to it. Don't be afraid to wear pink or purple, either. That REALLY brings focus to the entire package.


But a wrestler can't just look awesome. Nah, that's only half the battle. They've got to wrestle good, too, which means an arsenal of manly moves, like the piledriver, where you grab your opponent, put their junk in your face (and your face in their junk), and then slam them down between your legs.


Is your heterosexuality tingling? Mine sure is, and it feels good!

Or don't forget the Powerbomb. Only the most sexually secure beefcake can take his opponent, pull them up so their legs are hooked over his shoulders and their junk is right in his face, then slam them down into the mat. And thank god their bulge is there to cushion his delicate face!


Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to be on the receiving end of that?

But this epic war is not over yet. Not by a long shot. You see, after about thirty solid minutes of grabbing and throwing and light slapping, the finale to every fight is the pinning down of your opponent's sweaty body until they submit to your throbbing will.


Now tell us that's not the most badass way for two straight men to settle their differences.

So there you have it, the manliest sport in the whole world. Which means to all you haters, you'd better think twice before you badmouth professional wrestling, because the last thing you want is to face the wrath of an angry wrestling superstar's oiled up, shaven muscles all up in your junk.

Any wrastlin' fans here?

Cheers and stay beefy, folks,
~B&B

Beer: Upslope IPA
Music: Valerie June


142 comments:

  1. I am of course a wrestling fan, what with being a co-host of a wrestling podcast, and I completely 100% AGREE. They've actually banned baby oil now unfortunately, but some guys still seem to take baths in bronzer. Though I will make the argument that to put your body through that in a fake fight is pretty self destructive, which is pretty damn manly. Plus have you seen real wrasslin? That stuff is somehow way gayer.

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    1. Not sure if you've seen it, but Mickey Rourke was in a movie called "The Wrestler" that's pretty decent. And if anything, it gave me a respect for what those guys put their bodies through. It's almost ironic that while fake, they DO put up with some pretty grueling punishment.

      Oh, and as a jiu jitsu guy, you'll hear no argument from me. There's really no way to wrestle a guy without it looking like, uh, a "lover's quarrel."

      Delete
  2. The final two really summed it up...
    The only thing that comes close is American football. You have to be really secure with your manhood to slap another man in the ass. And on live television.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Or how about just being the quarterback? Half of your game life is spent staring at the snapper's ass, waiting for him to hand you the ball between his legs.

      Delete
  3. Is this your way of eulogizing the Ultimate Warrior? "He was a super-manly dude who wore tassels on his arms like he was a young girl's bicycle and was best known for cupping Hulk Hogan's taint while hoisting him in the air then dropping him."

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Or how about when Hulk Hogan was giving him a gnarly mustache ride and he was like, "No, not today, bro. Today I'M the top," and then he'd totally slam his ass.

      That was beautiful, bro. No homo. Absolutely no homo.

      Delete
  4. Nothing more manly than wearing lycra and sweating!

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    1. The way that form-fitting spandex accentuates the muscles and gingerly cups the balls... my friend, there is nothing manlier than that.

      Delete
  5. Give me women's softball ANY day. Yeah, baby, yeah! Slide into home!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Any woman that can beat me in an arm wrestling match has both my respect and my fear.

      Delete
  6. You guys have done it again. Hilarious.

    I think I understand one of the many reasons I have never cared for wrasslin' thanks to this post. I am just not interested in watching four hours of man on man action. Men just don't look good in thongs or skin tight body suits. Or eye make-up.

    That pin shot was THE BEST. "There are just no losers here."

    Stay beefy, boys:D

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You know, I think this is why wrestlers are paid millions. I mean, would a straight guy really do this for, say, $8 an hour?

      "Well, I just spent the last 4 hours with a guy's balls in my face. And he pinned me so I lost, doubling the emasculation. But hey, at least I can afford that new toaster I had my eye on."

      Delete
  7. American pro wrastlin is the only sport that dares to combine gymnastics, dirty dancing AND theatrics. What other sport can the children of Republicans possibly participate in?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think the Mexicans have got it right, with their luchadores. I mean, they all wear masks and pride themselves on hiding their identity. Why? Because who the hell wants to publically be known as "the half naked guy who man-slams other dudes for a living"?

      Delete
  8. I watched WCW when I was in elem. school and loved it. Then around 5th grade I found out it wasn't real, though there was a year or two of denial. After that I couldn't watch it, really just a soap opera with muscles.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. This whole post came about because my wife went to a party where they were showing WrestleMania, and she watched some of it out of curiosity. Probably the thing that astounded her the most is that out of 4 hours, there were only 4 "fights."

      So how was the other 3 hours and 45 minutes spent? Talking and gossiping and bickering.

      Frankly, I don't know what's "gayer" - the man on man action, or spending 3 hours arguing like a bunch of teenage girls.

      Delete
    2. 4? There was 8. More than 80% of the broadcast would have been matches. Television would be different but PPVs have always been heavy on the in ring action.

      Delete
  9. At first I thought you were describing the cast of the Jersey Shore. But, then you talked about them being actual fighters. Not just going to the gym and getting a tan to go lay down some sweet dance moves. "Yeah, do that jersey turnpike!"

    So, here's a little bit of interesting fact for ya. I was at the very first Wrestle Mania at MSG way back when. (1984-85?). That was some great wrestling there, boy! Hulk Hogan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Cyndi Lauper, and of course, Mr. T! What?! Yeah, buddy. I'm in that crowd (probably crying with excitement).

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Fun fact: my dad met Mr. T in 1985, and was so excited to shake his hand... only to be disappointed that they both were the exact same height. He'd always thought Mr. T was over 6 feet, like some kind of giant. Nope, not even close. The camera really makes him look huge, doesn't it?

      Delete
    2. I'm so glad I didn't go through that when I met Michael Strahan. Imagine me walking up all 5'2" of me and him being the same size? That'd be awful!

      I just looked it up - Mr. T is only 5'10. Not much taller than me!

      PS: I got your email. Loving it!! If you have more - please send.

      Delete
  10. Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?

    Probably a lovely quiche.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't insult the masculinity of a man comfortable enough in his sexuality to play the Tooth Fairy. Also, I believe he goes by Dwayne now.

      Delete
  11. Any wrastlin' fans here?

    Well, to be honest, I WASN'T a wrastlin' fan UNTIL I read this blog bit. But by the end of it, "I felt this thrill going up my leg."

    I would like to see Barack Obama wrastle Chris Matthews. Now that would just be SO MANLY!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
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    1. If you think Obama powerbombing the economy is hot, you should see him powerbomb a pudgy white man. My leg's tingling just thinking about it.

      Delete
  12. I dated a wrestler in high school (like a wrestling team not WWE) I don't know what disturbed me more, that they literally have each other junk in their face or that they do weigh in's completely naked.....in front of the whole team. Ummm no thank you.

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    1. Uhhh, are you sure that wasn't just a front for a child pornography ring? Because naked weigh ins does NOT sound like a real thing...

      Delete
  13. I detest this sport and I'm ashamed that it is associated with American sports. It represents the falsehood that we Americans have become all too accustomed to seeing. It is the epicenter of all that is fake. We have a fake government, let's fake our sports too!

    The muscles...fake.
    The bulges...they're fake too. (I like my bulges real)
    The tans....fake.
    The moves....you guessed it, fake!
    Hell even the matches themselves are fake. It's all scripted, man!

    The only thing real to ever come from pro wrastlin is Jesse the Body Ventura. Seriously, watch his videos. He'll tell you just how fake wrestling AND THE GOVERNMENT is.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYClPrCwi_c

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "Hokey-Smoke" (Rocket J. Squirrel) and "Hoo-Wee" (Deputy Dawg), man! Workingdan...

      How the hell is it that you don't 'Follow' my F-FFF blog?!?!

      I just watched the video you posted the URL to, and I agree with (almost) everything Jesse Ventura said.

      In fact, it was from Ventura's old show that I first learned about all the plastic grave liners stored at the FEMA Concentration Camps.

      That's probably the ONLY new info I ever got from Ventura, but it was good info!

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    2. I like to lurk in the shadows, so as not to give up my current location. They're onto me...looking for me. Ever since I used the word freedom they locked on and are ready to pounce!

      Delete
    3. That dude needs to man the fuck up...him and everyone else who believes wrastlin is real! Would that be you?

      Delete
    4. 6-B ~
      I'm still howling, still have tears of laughter flowing down my face as I type these words! That was the FUNNIEST thing I've seen since I posted that Boots Randolph 'Yaketty Sax' Orange County Cops Vs. Female Driver car chase on my blog.

      I have to suspect that guy was a plant, an actor, but even if he was, it's still insanely funny!

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    5. Dan - you can fake the tan and you can fake the muscle but you can't fake the bulge, buddy. That is ALL REAL AND YOU CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME.

      Stephen - believe it or not, that's a real guy, not an actor, and they did a few interviews with him shortly after that video went viral. He is... just really that passionate about wrastlin. And most likely a virgin who lives in his mother's basement.

      Delete
    6. What do you mean I can't take that bulge away from you? It's as simple as reaching into your pants and removing that wad of tissue you have stuffed in there!

      Delete
    7. Fun fact: my gay brother in law had a friend who was a gay stripper, and he shared with all of us that the best way to stuff yourself down there is by wrapping it up in a big piece of wheat bread. If anyone gets grabby it still feels somewhat similar, as opposed to tissue which feels way too soft and easily moves around in there.

      The More You Know

      Delete
  14. In the wake of all things Wrestlemania, my rastlin' hormones are raging hard through my veins right now.
    I'd like to think of wrestling as the Magic Mike of sports. It's insanely tacky, the men are disgustingly hot and have moves that Mick Jagger only wet dreams to seizure like. Of course, the business is peppered with the old hairy ones that resemble actual ball sacks* but it's the price you pay for sweaty man-drama fit for the whole family, especially mom.

    *Don't Google "ball sacks" to ensure your spelling is accurate without repercussions*

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yes, they are "disgusting," but I don't know if I'd say they're hot. If it's the Magic Mike of sports, why do guys love it so much? I didn't think many guys went running to see Channing Tatum in a thong...

      Delete
    2. 2 words: Randy Orton. If you put them in normal clothes and held their sweet head shot up for a lady to oogle, I guarantee you there would be some pleasure to be had. Also, guys like wrestling but if you think that's the audience check those camera pans next time you're "not watching Monday night Raw" and find the swooning females. The dudes watch because they are either lifelong fans and or they like to see freely televised ass kickery, or the closest thing they can get.

      Delete
  15. I remember watching wrastlin' when I was younger. Half the time, the moves would be so complicated--a sweaty tangle of man parts--I wasn't sure who was supposed to the recipient of the pain.

    Commentator: "Ooo, and the Undertaker delivers a vicious Pipe Plugger on Kane. Hopefully Kane recovers from that devistating attack."

    Meanwhile, Kane harmlessly drops like a feather to the ground and the Undertaker nearly snaps his own neck in the process.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You bring up a great point. Why are the names for wrestling moves always so sexual, too?

      "And Kane knocks out the Undertaker with an Alabama Slamdancer!"

      That feels like something I'd ask a prostitute for. "Hey lady, I'm interested, but... do you do the Alabama Slamdancer?"

      "That's extra."

      Delete
  16. lol I used to like it as a kid when I thought it might be real and there was no internet to tell me otherwise, but yeah it is rather pathetic. But the crap they put their bodies through is nuts, all of them are crippled by 50. Mick Foley was insane, getting his junk in another mans face for foreplay and then getting power bombed on thumb tacks, ouch. Real wrestling like the olympic stuff is more manly though, they have to do so many pins that they have another man's junk in their face more often than not. The you got baseball, you hit a homerun and the whole bench slaps your ass as you go back to the dugout.Some even give a high five then swing around and smack that ass lol

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    1. Don't forget football, there's plenty of ass slapping there, too! "Yeah buddy, my hand's about to lay a touchdown on that ass!"

      Delete
  17. I hadn't thought pro wrestling was manlier than women's softball until you broke it down piece by piece like that. Now I'm convinced. The tights, the handling of each others' junk, the spray tan...it all makes sense to me now. Nothing more manly than doing all that in the public eye. Thanks for enlightening me!

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    1. You know, kidding aside, if I could make $1 million dollars in one night and all I had to do was prance around in my underwear and put my junk in another guy's face, yeah, I'd do it. Without a SECOND THOUGHT.

      Delete
  18. "...so you can properly display the bulge. Bring focus to it." I cannot stop laughing! They sure outman the rest, with their junkin' around and guyliner...I think I need to watch a bit of wrastlin' now so I can laugh...ahem..admire their manliness with this post in mind :P

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    1. The fact that these guys are getting millions of dollars and ungodly amounts of fame makes me question if we're the ones who are really having the last laugh...

      Delete
    2. Good point! Maybe I should go find me a wrestler and flirt with him...err...when he doesn't have another guy's junk in his face, of course...

      Delete
  19. Replies
    1. Did it turn you into the man your father always wanted you to be?

      Delete
  20. A lot of what men do together is homo erotic, even hunting. Hanging out together in bushes and hiding behind trees, saying "Shh be quiet" Most of you aggressively pursue women as a means of overcompensating for your gayness :0)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I have some making up to do then, because I've never hunted or wrestled or poked another man's fart box. My wife was also the one who pursued me.

      Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

      Delete
  21. THE UNDERTAKER!!!!!

    He was SO my fav when I was a kid. Loved. And yes, I too, was pretty much destroyed when I found out it wasn't real…

    Real wrestlers though… it's pretty messed up. The way they starve themselves and work out wearing garbage bags to make weight… phew.

    (Still laughing at the "Maybe he's born with it" line) :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Seriously, I've seen pro wrestlers that have longer, more luxurious hair than my wife does, and she prides herself on her hair. How the hell is that even possible?

      Delete
  22. Now that you mention it, that does seem like a super manly sport perfectly fit for my comfortable "ain't no meal without sausage"-level heterosexuality. Never thought of it that way, I feel enlightened now.

    Also, that picture with Bryan shaving his legs, best thing I've seen all day. And I've already made my rounds over the reddits and YouTubes! Think we can get an HD remake of that drawing, or maybe even a "so deep photography" shot? I can pay in boogers. (Not kidding though... about wanting a larger version to print and hang up on my wall.)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. HD? Captain, we can't handle it! MSPaint was not built for this kind of punishment! By comparable standards, our drawings are 240p at best. Or, in other words, look like they were filmed with a potato.

      Delete
  23. I so much want to actually meet a person named "Cletus" in my life. I would be that person's friend no matter what, simply so I could say stuff that ends with "Cletus":

    "Wanna go get a beer, Cletus?"

    "You can have the last slice of pepperoni if I get the last Mountain Dew, Cletus."

    "Don't you like the way Dali used his brush to create an impasto that draws your attention to the finite quality that life has as opposed to the permanency of the soul, Cletus?"

    Also: Pro wrestling is supermanly. Got it. So if I'm trying to prove to somebody just how tough I am and maybe scare them a little I should strip to my underwear and shove my face in their junk?

    (I'm gonna need you to be expert witnesses at my trial.)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh Cletus, known for his Mountain Dew and his rich fondness for postmodern surrealism.

      Also, if it works for dogs, it should work for humans. I mean, nothing gets someone annoying to leave you alone like your dog nose-punching their genitals.

      Delete
  24. I went to college with a gal who believed wrastlin was real. Believe it or not, she flunked out after a semester.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "Me fail English? That's unpossible!" - Ralph Wiggum

      Delete
  25. Replies
    1. And I concur with your concurrence, good doctor.

      Delete
  26. When I was a kid there was a group of relatives (men relatives) that watched wrestling. Even then in my ripe old age of 9, I had serious doubts about it. As for manliness quotient...I hadn't thought about wrestling from that perspective. I always thought men's swimming especially in the 500 yard butterfly and ice dancing were the sports that real men would go after.

    BTW...is Russian roulette classified a sport? That must be a tough sport to watch.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Tough to watch, yes, but I bet it's also exciting. I mean, every round ends with a bang.

      *ba dum TISH*

      Delete
  27. I don't know if he's still around and in the spotlight, but years ago there was some wrestler named Engel. One of my young clients, who loved to playfully fight with me (I let him win because I was his therapist. Yeah, that's why.) asked if I was related to him. Do you know of this Engel guy? I wonder if his calves are as pretty as Brandon's. (?) I kinda hope I have his genes now.

    Winning post, and I had to go to the ro-sham-bo link. I knew you'd make that worth my time. You never disappoint.

    xoRobyn

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    1. Hmmm, was this guy perhaps wrestler Kurt Angle? That's the only thing Lord Google can find. And while I don't know if Kurt's calves are pretty, I do know that apparently he likes grabbing other men's calves. Maybe that, uh, slows them down? Makes them easier... to... pin?

      GET BACK HERE MAN MEAT I AM NOT DONE WITH YOU

      Delete
    2. Interesting. It appears that Kurt Engel changed his name to Kurt Angle, though --as you found-- Lord Google doesn't confirm this, but Kurt Engel was his name back in the day. I assume that Kurt Engel wanted people (ie men with nice calves) to think he's an angel. Though Engel means angel in German, he of course didn't know this so he took Angle as his name - being cognitively challenged and thus a poor speller. But that's just my theory. I'm just glad I no longer shared his name.

      Delete
  28. Years ago (back when I actually worked out and was in shape), I had a gym buddy who wrestled. He'd done some tours of Japan, and was a guy that the Hulk Hogans of the world beat up. He lived in Philly, but to my knowledge did not wrestle in the US. I forget his last name (first name was Ray) and his "stage" name (hey-it was 1986 or so...), but it was fascinating to hear his anecdotes.

    While a lot of the match was scripted (according to Ray), you still needed to be an athlete to do what was asked of you (and to make it look real).

    He'd told me to watch a taped match and pay attention to the headliner, who would be hit by a chair, reach into his loincloth, "wipe the sweat from his brow," and all of a sudden have a bloody forehead (he'd cut himself with a small razor). I watched the show, and it happened exactly like he said it would.

    Bread and circuses....

    LC

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    1. If you haven't seen it, there's a pretty decent film called The Wrestler starring Mickey Rourke, and it's really interesting to see the behind the scene style look at what these guys go through. The taking the razor blade from the ref and slashing your forehead discreetly thing? That's part of it, too. So are the steroid injections to stay huge and the lasting heart problems that come with it (is anyone really all that surprised when a wrestler dies at 50 these days?).

      I guess the true irony of the film is that Mickey Rourke is an old, has-been wrestler who is literally destroying his body and he's doing it by performing all of these cheesy, fake fights where "no one really gets hurt."

      Delete
  29. Is this why female wrestlers... wrastlers...? I'm not sure anymore. You've hurt my brain.
    Um...
    Is this why females in this sport always end up naked?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's all a spectacle, yes, but at least they don't get all roided out like the dudes. I mean, would you really want to see THIS get naked?

      The female bodybuilder

      I mean, I'm about 95% sure that's a man, save for the pink bra that apparently indicates otherwise...

      Delete
  30. I have tried to sit through professional wrestling. I really, really have. I just have to give up after 2 minutes, though. I mean seriously, the spandex, the sweaty muscles, the horribly fake choreographed "fighting", and the embarrassingly show-boaty, overdone smack talk that's being shouted into a microphone as the players prance around the ring...it's just too much for me.

    However, despite my personal feelings about the complete idiocy of this "sport", I have to say that Bryan looks absolutely fabulous in that guy-liner. You should consider making that a permanent change.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. What, wrestling is just too "gay" for you? Well, if it's "gay" to love another man with your entire heart and soul and to express that love through the interpretive dance that is wrestling, then I guess we're all "gay" here.

      Oh, and the guyliner is totally working for me, but I don't do makeup. Nah, I tattoo'd those bitches on permanently. That can't be something I'd ever regret. No homo.

      Delete
  31. Seriously: For me, wrestling died with Dick The Bruiser. The old time boys that looked more like they rolled out of a bar than a gym.

    Unseriously: I guess they were kinda gay-looking too...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poor Dick the Bruiser, did he retire because he Bruised his Dick?

      Delete
  32. Maaaaan wresting is homoerotic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sadly, most male sports are if you really think about it.

      Delete
  33. I can't defend the banana hammocks (shiver). But everyone has their guilty pleasure. It's a humongous goof, but no more shameful than an hour of "Scandal" or "Honey Boo Boo." As for millions, unfortunately just a handful of them can claim that. Vast majority make normal people money and work on the road over 300 days a year. All for a future of destroying their bodies, being addicted to pain killers, and out of work by 32. What's not for a kid to love??

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hey, no judgments here. I'm a UFC guy, and I love jiu jitsu. If you want to ever see something especially gay, just watch or take part in a jiu jitsu match, aka, "Well, I'm on my back and you're on top of me so I'd better defend myself by going spread eagle. Ohhh, I just wrapped my thighs around your neck, you are SOOO fucked, bro."*

      *That would be the leg triangle submission. Both devastatingly effective and degrading, as the last thing you see before sweet unconsciousness takes you away is the other guy's sweaty sack right in your face.

      Delete
    2. I remember one fight where Nate Diaz locked the triangle on somebody, and then gave the double bird to the camera with his tongue stuck out. Imagine, your face is submerged in a dude's junk -- and he's all Gene Simmons to a television audience. And your only recourse is to politely tap him. The tap: a gentleman's request to please, sir, stop tea-bag-choking me to unconsciousness.

      Delete
    3. Yeah, right?

      "What do you mean I can't just punch him in the dick? IT'S RIGHT THERE! ... Fine." *tap*

      Also, it's great that to go along with this Nate Diaz was suspended for calling another fighter a faggot, because there's nothing like choking someone out with your nuts and then calling THEM gay. Ouch.

      Delete
  34. My mom watches it now because of her boyfriend. I don't understand it but I don't want a oily, spray tanned, giant, scary looking man and makeup putting his junk in my face. I can't say I know anyone who wants that, actually. But Bryan, I am jealous of your makeup skills! Teach me how to do that without losing an eye! (I feel the need to clarify I want to learn how to put on awesome makeup, not have junk near my eye.)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You should know that the two go hand in hand, and if you have makeup this awesome, you're gonna end up with so many dicks in your face. It's inevitable.

      Delete
  35. I have never liked wrestling. Always looked too fake to me.

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    1. As a UFC guy, I concur. When I see someone get punched in the face, I want to see blood, not them turning and running into a set of ropes like the momentum just made their legs start magically pumping.

      Delete
  36. I was a high school wresting fan. Dated a wrestler and the whole team was HOT. I think it's very different from World Wide Wrestling. Sure you're turning and trying to pin the guy down, but there's a lot more skill in high school wrestling, and they don't have the tans, baby oil, etc.... and they're way, way hotter... and they party hard when they're done with meets. This is an opinion from an ex-high school wrestler girlfriend, who has fond memories. :)

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    1. On one hand, I completely agree. I do jiu jitsu, and it's very similar. 99% of it looks extremely gay until you realize the technical skill that's going into it.

      And on the other hand... gross. Come on, I'm eating here.

      Delete
  37. Don't forget the sexy groaning. Sexy groaning at you pludge your face into another man's crotch is manly as fuck. YEAHHH WRASTLIN'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah yes, the mighty war cry of the wrastlin' warrior - "Unnnngggggghhhhh."

      Delete
  38. You know, if I wasn't sold on the PURE MACHO ADRENALINE TOTALLY NOT GAY BADASS properties of wrestling before, I am sold now. SOLD! [slams palm of hand on desk]

    p.s. I must commend you: it shows a really secure-in-his-manhood dude to shave and take baths in front of one another. Kudos to you, I say!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I can only assume that since they work out together, practice together, and wrestle together in the most, uh, intimate of positions, that they probably take baths together too. I mean, is it really that much further an invasion of privacy?

      Delete
  39. I have beef with usage of term sports.
    boxing - modern day gladiator.
    golf- seriously? You move around in cart and have a caddy and wear pressed clothes and velvet grass ?
    curling - joke.
    and this wwf - reality show for ESPN.

    no wonder gals are getting tired of handsome hunks like Rock wasted like this so they label small frame high voice guy-chicks as "sexiest man alive"

    we need to knock graves of revolutionists and we definitely renaissance to put an end to this monstrosity.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What, you mean this thin-framed god with his spray-on beard and Nutty Professor voice isn't really the hottest man alive?

      Jay Baruchel

      Because apparently a ton of women find this guy incredibly sexy and won't stop talking about him. And Hollywood won't stop casting him in movies.

      I wonder what his golf score is? I bet it's good, right?

      Delete
    2. Haha :) I had to watch sorcerer's apprentice in cc and on mute because of this guy. Maybe he should sing he could be another Miley Cyrus, at least that chick is easy on the eyes.

      if a man goes shirtless just to prove he isn't a chick and then has to go nude to prove because flat chest argument failed shouldn't be labeled sexiest man alive. Replace word man with something else. :)

      Delete
  40. Makes me look at wrassling in a whole new light!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Make that "wrastling" or "wrestling." :)

      Delete
    2. Any of the above are correct when the target demographic reads at a 4th grade level anyhow.

      Delete
  41. Men have been trying to outman one another for centuries? Strange, a couple of hours ago I was told the same thing about women. Did you say an arsenal of manly moves? How aptly named they are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Men outmenning men, women outwomening women, men in drag outwomening women... can't we all just get along?

      Delete
    2. I assume that's a rhetorical question?

      Delete
  42. Hilarious! I used to watch a little wrestling because I went to college with Kane but I couldn't take it for long!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I'm just surprised Kane is college educated. Please tell me it's nuclear engineering. PLEASE.

      Delete
  43. Hey! Where did my comment go. I typed it in, hit publish and they scrolled up to look at some of the other comments. when I came back it had vanished. Not published, but banished. Spooky, or maybe it's just me.

    Anyway...I think I said ...apparently my world view of wrestling was pretty skewed, because I had no idea that it was such a 'crotchfest'. I may never think of manly sports in the same light.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, your comment isn't floating in spam limbo, so I guess Blogger just ate it. I hope it was delicious.

      Delete
  44. OK, first comment actually published. So, I continue on my journey through the comment section. Eeeww...Now I will never think of 'wheat bread' in the same way again either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just remember, the next time the guy at Subway making your sandwich looks just a little too beefy and a little too tired from staying up all night... don't eat the bread. I repeat, do not eat the bread.

      Delete
  45. So they're all gay porn stars after hours? Hey, it makes sense...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So what are they DURING work hours, then...?

      Delete
  46. I make people look at my calves all the time, mostly because they rock and most people admit they are the best calves around. This is great and all but I could never wrestle. I'll stick to great calves

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So... are your calves awesome because they're slender and ladylike, or awesome because they're built like Schwarzenegger's? You know what, on second thought, I don't want to know.

      Delete
  47. Even though this "manliest" of manly sports is predetermined choreographed mayhem, people can and do get injured, some quite severely. However, you can't overlook the one key ingredient that will get you signed by Vince Jr,.

    Steriods.

    Father Nature's Corner

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "The Ultimate Warrior just died! He was only in his early 50s! How could this have happened? I'm so utterly shocked!"

      Dear wrestling fan,

      It was steroids. Years and years of steroids. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

      Delete
  48. I will never forget the time I had to convince a guy in my class that wrestling was all fake. He believed it hook, line and sinker. After ten minutes of back and forth arguing, he finally conceded by saying, "Okay, maybe some of it is fake, but some of it is real too!" Some people, just want to believe in the man on man action.

    A friend of mine's son was about 6 years old and she allowed him to watch Pro Wrestling... until one afternoon he turned to his mom and said, "Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a pro wrestler and you can be part of my "ho train"! And that was the last time he watched it. LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As mentioned above, some people just don't want to believe it's fake.

      "It's still real to me, dammit!"

      Delete
  49. Wow. Makes male ballet dancers (yes, muscular thighs and junk poking under their tights) look like regular jocks.

    -Barb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Getting to dance with and throw around beautiful women is a small price to pay for wearing tights. But wrestling? Where's the payoff in throwing around some big, sweaty dude...?

      Delete
  50. I am not sure that you will see this until Monday... but I featured you as my "N" for the A to Z. If you get a chance you might want to read what folks are saying about you:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *Automated Comment Response*

      Thank you, READER, for subscribing to this blog. The blogmaster is currently BATHING IN MONEY and will respond to you promptly on MONDAY APRIL TWENTY ONE at EIGHT A.M.

      And thank you, READER, for supporting INSERT BLOG NAME HERE!

      -B&B

      Delete
  51. Best synopsis of wrastlin evar! It didn't surprise me when the news came out that it's all for show and fake.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And yet you have gifs like the ones above that show you grown men who not only think it's real, but will burst into tears over the results. I don't think I get that excited/emotional over ANYTHING in my life.

      Delete
  52. I'm sorry I'm so late to this party...I HAD to comment though because a friend and I were out to drinks last Saturday night and they had wrestling on the TV (on mute thank goodness) and holy shit! I'd NEVER in my life viewed wrestling before and there was some flamenco dancing dude in my little pony fuzzy boots, so much crotch...the lubed up bodies, the ridiculousness of it all...it was SO much to take in. The scary thing was I couldn't stop watching and dying laughing. It may or may not have been the booze but wow. I will never get the appeal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The true question is if you'd still be laughing if you weren't drunk. Well... probably you would. But I'd think there'd be a particular sadness that came with that sober laughter, along with a nice, hard look at your life choices leading up to this point.

      Delete
  53. Hi guys! I've been missing you so had to get my carcas over here to check in and say hi.

    And to think I was under the impression that the funny thing about wrestling was that is was fake! Never even though about how macho it is. Course, I rarely have though about wrestling at all, except to take a few moments to mock my brother as he watched it while we were growing up. But sweaty, glossy men in thongs?! I think I need to watch me some wrasslin!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Kianwi! Good to see you! On that note... come on, girl, this is 2014. The Internet exists. Porn exists. Do you really need wrestling to get those lady-rocks off?

      Delete
  54. Well when it comes right down to it everything is fake. At least in movies they trade a body slam for a gun. No face full of balls, just bullets

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Manliest thing said on this post so far. WE APPROVE.

      Delete
  55. Can I borrow your thpray boy? My heterosexuality needs a little sunscreen.

    ReplyDelete
  56. This was hysterical! My younger son wrestled in high school, and I had a tough time sitting through the matches. Between the positions, the injuries, and the aromas, I always looked forward to the end of the season. I also never understood how some of the parents didn't mind having their daughters wrestle on the boys team.

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can answer that in two words: boy cheerleaders.

      And no, I don't condone that either.

      Delete
  57. There is not enough butthurt in the comments and I'm a little disappointed. I was never a wrastlin' fan, no. I was never into watching any sport, really. If I'm gonna watch someone wrastle, might as well do it myself, right?

    And that's how I went to my first ga— straight bar.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I'm surprised nobody with a (literal) boner for wrestling came in here to tear us a new one.

      But don't you worry, D4, because the hate always comes after the post fades into obscurity. One random night, some 3-4 months from now, a morbidly obese wrestling fan will be Googling something related to wrestling. And he will find our page. And he will attain such unbearable nerd rage because of it.

      And let me tell you something, when he unleashes that nerd rage in an unholy torrent of swear words and fact based websites... we will be there. And we will be waiting.

      Delete
  58. Posts like this make you guys one of my favourite blogs to follow! Absolute Gold!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're glad to hear that all it took to snag your loyalty was gratuitous, homoerotic man-slammin' action!

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    3. and comics....lets not forget the comics ☺

      Delete
  59. Well, I am back. Tired of me yet?

    I see a few of my readers are now following... yay!

    Some of the comments on your post are REALLY FUNNY. If you get a chance and want a chuckle, drop back in and see what they're saying about you, the police, barking dogs, nosy neighbors, and the nanny state. Funny, funny stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Hahaha this sounds like my kind of sport!!!

    ReplyDelete
  61. We come for the jokes and the cartoons, and in my case, the facial expressions, and we linger far too long for our time budget reading the comments and the replies. I for one am proud to count some of my readers as converts to "The Beer Guys."
    Professional wrestling? You couldn't have picked a more lampoon-able topic. I mean, this could be a series, featuring various celebrity participants. I mean, I mean, I'm sitting here on the group w bench...oh wait, I feel myself digressing...if one can do so while meandering aimlessly about (wish I'd thought of that myself but it's by Willis Eschenbach) (and for the uninitiated readers, I will give it up and say that I'm quoting Alice's Restaurant by Arlo Guthrie) SO ANYWAY, professional wrestlers have added a lot of value to our country by starring in movies and governing states (doing no worse job than former body builders,,,) so I say give them and their tightie-pinkies several days in the spotlight.
    I'm sorry I'm late to the party, but I did bring beer. A seasonal by The Pumphouse in my hometown called Brass Pole. Although after four or so I tend to order it "that pole dancing one with the bitter top note that goes so well with a lime even though that's not how you serve it"
    I'll try to be on time for class tomorrow..,
    Tina @ Life is Good
    A to Z Team @ Blogging From A to Z April Challenge 2014

    ReplyDelete
  62. Hmmm, my vote is for good old fashioned boxing as the manliest sport. No spray tans. No shaving. No guy-liner. No faces in crotches. Just some straight up punches to the face. Also, please wear guy-liner when next we meet.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Big fan of 90s Wrestling here, and even today I have people telling me Kane can't really shoot fireballs at his opponents.

    ReplyDelete

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