Prom was held at a magically tacky place called Ocean Journey, which was essentially an aquarium/zoo that held all kinds of sealife/wildlife including sharks, otters, and even tigers.
Because nothing quite says prom like a pack of drunken teenagers yelling at wildlife.
As mentioned in the previous installment, Brandon went with the 2002 Colorado women's bodybuilding champion. If anything, because she was really good at opening pickle jars.
Bryan, meanwhile, took a girl that we'll call Ellen. Bryan and Ellen were having a fun time at prom until Ellen spotted her ex boyfriend, who pulled her aside for a very inconspicuous whispering session.
Whispering that seemed to be all about Bryan.
So Bryan grabbed his date a cup of punch (and himself a cup of mental bleach to wash away that lovely image she painted, and yes, she did say all of that) because he figured it was over. It was not; far from it. The ex boyfriend kept talking smack about Bryan to his date, and Bryan was getting quite annoyed by it, if anything because Ellen wasn't doing anything to stop him.
And so Bryan, who had spent the entire night enduring this annoying and disrespectful whispering, channeled his inner gentleman and made a request of his date.
LOL just kidding, he actually said this...
So Ellen decided to finally do something about it. She was going to pull the ex boyfriend aside and tell him to knock it off. Off she went, to defend his honor. And there Bryan stood. And waited. And waited.
10 minutes later, he got tired and decided to see what was taking so long.
It was this.
It seemed they had gone off to a back corner to eat each other's faces, in a public display of groping and making out so brutal that I'm sure one of them chipped a tooth.
Some people in this situation might have been sad. Heartbroken, even. But Bryan had already had a miserable night, and just wanted to be rid of the awful girl and her not-so-ex boyfriend. He also knew that neither Ellen nor her ex had a car, so he hit her where it hurt and told her he was leaving, and they could both have fun walking home together.
Ellen, who claimed that she had just tripped and fallen into his mouth (achoo!), started bawling and simultaneously making that awful "somebody farted" face. We only wish we could capture the true ugliness of this expression. This is the closest we can muster.
The ex boyfriend, meanwhile, was just mad that his new tongue-hockey buddy was crying. So he did something really stupid. He took a swing at Bryan. And this happened.
...Okay, so it wasn't nearly that cool.
The guy swung, missed by a mile, and started stumbling off balance. Essentially, he tripped. And yes, Bryan could have just let the guy fall and make a fool of himself, but Bryan has what we in the medical industry call a "temper," so he grabbed Mr. Ex Boyfriend by the back of the head as he staggered off balance and guided his face directly into the wall, where his nose burst like a tomato thrown against pavement.
The girl left in tears. So did the ex boyfriend, with a freshly broken nose. And Bryan? Well, he learned two things. First, that prom is vastly overrated. And two, that bitches be trippin'. Figuratively and literally.
How was your high school prom? Couldn't have been any worse than Bryan's, right?
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
(And a big thank you to the amazingly hilarious and awesome Robyn Engel who reminded me of this great story not too long ago. I mentioned it on her blog and she actually e-mailed me to ask, "Wait, that really happened?"
Yes. It did. High school... good fucking riddance)
Music: Porcupine Tree
Beer: Upslope Craft Lager