Monday, April 7, 2014

Faded Glory Part II: Prom Night Fight Club

In case you missed it because you're new here or too good to read all of our posts or were injecting your last good vein with Mexican black tar heroin, we're reliving a few memories from high school. Last week was Bryan's invitation to prom from a very kooky Mormon girl, and this week... well, this week is prom.

Prom was held at a magically tacky place called Ocean Journey, which was essentially an aquarium/zoo that held all kinds of sealife/wildlife including sharks, otters, and even tigers.

Because nothing quite says prom like a pack of drunken teenagers yelling at wildlife.


As mentioned in the previous installment, Brandon went with the 2002 Colorado women's bodybuilding champion. If anything, because she was really good at opening pickle jars.


Bryan, meanwhile, took a girl that we'll call Ellen. Bryan and Ellen were having a fun time at prom until Ellen spotted her ex boyfriend, who pulled her aside for a very inconspicuous whispering session.






Whispering that seemed to be all about Bryan.


So Bryan grabbed his date a cup of punch (and himself a cup of mental bleach to wash away that lovely image she painted, and yes, she did say all of that) because he figured it was over. It was not; far from it. The ex boyfriend kept talking smack about Bryan to his date, and Bryan was getting quite annoyed by it, if anything because Ellen wasn't doing anything to stop him.




And so Bryan, who had spent the entire night enduring this annoying and disrespectful whispering, channeled his inner gentleman and made a request of his date.


LOL just kidding, he actually said this...


So Ellen decided to finally do something about it. She was going to pull the ex boyfriend aside and tell him to knock it off. Off she went, to defend his honor. And there Bryan stood. And waited. And waited.

10 minutes later, he got tired and decided to see what was taking so long.

It was this.


It seemed they had gone off to a back corner to eat each other's faces, in a public display of groping and making out so brutal that I'm sure one of them chipped a tooth.

Some people in this situation might have been sad. Heartbroken, even. But Bryan had already had a miserable night, and just wanted to be rid of the awful girl and her not-so-ex boyfriend. He also knew that neither Ellen nor her ex had a car, so he hit her where it hurt and told her he was leaving, and they could both have fun walking home together.

Ellen, who claimed that she had just tripped and fallen into his mouth (achoo!), started bawling and simultaneously making that awful "somebody farted" face. We only wish we could capture the true ugliness of this expression. This is the closest we can muster.

ugly cry face

The ex boyfriend, meanwhile, was just mad that his new tongue-hockey buddy was crying. So he did something really stupid. He took a swing at Bryan. And this happened.








...Okay, so it wasn't nearly that cool.

The guy swung, missed by a mile, and started stumbling off balance. Essentially, he tripped. And yes, Bryan could have just let the guy fall and make a fool of himself, but Bryan has what we in the medical industry call a "temper," so he grabbed Mr. Ex Boyfriend by the back of the head as he staggered off balance and guided his face directly into the wall, where his nose burst like a tomato thrown against pavement.

The girl left in tears. So did the ex boyfriend, with a freshly broken nose. And Bryan? Well, he learned two things. First, that prom is vastly overrated. And two, that bitches be trippin'. Figuratively and literally.

How was your high school prom? Couldn't have been any worse than Bryan's, right?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

(And a big thank you to the amazingly hilarious and awesome Robyn Engel who reminded me of this great story not too long ago. I mentioned it on her blog and she actually e-mailed me to ask, "Wait, that really happened?"

Yes. It did. High school... good fucking riddance)

Music: Porcupine Tree
Beer: Upslope Craft Lager

119 comments:

  1. Senior prom is like the icing on a truly horrific high school experience.
    I assume Brandon had a good time?
    And Porcupine Tree - nice!

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    1. Fun fact: Brandon actually won prom king, which was pretty hilarious for our little class of 200 cow town. And I actually never even knew that until we chatted about this whole thing recently, since I had left early. Brandon never mentioned it, since he doesn't really wear it as a badge of honor (you know, the stereotype that the prom king always marries the head cheerleader, gets fat, loses all his hair, and then works at McDonalds the rest of his life).

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  2. Can't say prom was that bad. I made out with my date in front of her father (not knowing he was there watching us in the driveway...I'd like to say I'm not that dumb anymore...like to) then made her cry the next day by making an inappropriate joke about a friend of hers who fell off a bridge and broke her back (don't worry, the girl would walk again. I would never have a date again until college, but so is the curse of a rapier whit.)

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    1. In all fairness, though, girls are pretty hormonal at that age and can break out into tears over the slightest of things. I'm pretty sure I could have made my date cry by making fun of Sum 41 or New Found Glory.

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  3. I never went to mine, though I suppose it all worked out in the end. Prom is something a lot of women look back and regret if they didn't go, but I'm sure it would have been lame for me.

    The car thing was pretty awesome, I'd consider myself a nice person, but there's no way I could deal with driving someone like that back home.

    One thing I also learned in dating is that never tolerate girls who cling on to their exes. Never had a bad situation, but mainly because I already saw what happened to a friend. He told me his girlfriend was hanging out with her ex as "friends" and the next day he didn't have a girlfriend anymore.

    Sorry ladies, but unless your ex turned out to be gay, that "we can just be friends" crap is all a bunch of BS.

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    1. Even back then I was willing to take the high road on things, and figured her having to call her parents in embarrassment and explain why I wasn't taking her home was punishment enough. Especially since prom was held 45 minutes from where she lived.

      Also, 100% yes to the exes thing. This is apparently a pretty unpopular opinion because I know a ton of people who think that being friends with the guy or gal who they used to pork all the time is a great thing. But how many happily married couples do you know where one of them is still good buddies with an ex?

      Or how many times have you heard, "Mom's going to go hang out with her ex boyfriend. They're BFFs. Dad doesn't mind, though. I hear he's a great guy!"

      Uh yeah, that number would be zero. And for a reason.

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    2. Uh huh...bet she lied. She'd say, "I don't know why he ditched me...probably an anti-Mormon thing." I know girls...they aren't that stupid to tell the parents they got ditched for playing tonsil hockey with the old boyfriend.
      And I totally agree about the ex thing. Walks down memory lane usually lead to divorce court.

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    3. Just like I'm sure Mr Ex didn't tell anyone how he stupidly broke his nose, but just the inner guilt of having to go to an adult about it (her to her parents and him to the hospital) and make up some kind of excuse was enough to make me feel pretty okay about myself after all was said and done.

      I tell you, that Catholic guilt, it's some strong shit!

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  4. Mine was just pointless and lame, at least yours makes a good story, even if the fart face is a bit gory haha and the ones that always talk about their exes, stay friends with their exes to the extent they should be dating anyway, I avoid like the plague.

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    1. Yes, if anything it taught me the valuable lesson of why you don't put up with someone who won't stop talking about their ex. Because apparently even though he has a "pinky sized schlong" she still wants it on the regular. Yuck. Lady, you can have it.

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  5. We don't have prom, because I studied in all-girls catholic school and wore uniform every single day. Our school teachers(nuns) and principal kinda made sure that we dressed like them. Even if so back then I hated guys, I was the one delivering punches like that. So it goes without saying that I was good in opening pickle jars.

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    1. I always knew by trading comments with you that you were a good Catholic girl. Makes sense. If you recall, the two of us met one another during after-school Catholic teachings when we were about 5 or 6.

      And it stuck with us good Catholic boys ever since...

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    2. I googled "good catholic girl" . Now what?

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    3. Run a virus scan, dip your computer in holy water, and say as many Hail Mary's as it takes to scrub your computer (and your conscience) clean.

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  6. Replies
    1. Oh yes, I drove home in my dad's 99 Ford Ranger like SUCH a boss that night...

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    2. And hopefully ran over the couple most likely while they waked home...

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    3. I didn't, but this all took place in downtown Denver, so the odds of them making it home in one piece are on par with a bunny rabbit trying to cross a 10-lane freeway during rush hour.

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  7. I never went to a prom. I quit high school in the 10th grade. I did have a co-worker ask me to his prom, but then about a week before it happened he told me that his mom wanted him to take his "cousin" from out of town to the prom... I don't really think I missed much on that one!

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    1. Well, you know what they say, the family that plays together stays together...

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  8. I love America and it's proms, like 80's teen movies but I would never get the girl!

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    1. The only ones at our school who "got the girl" ended up in a very unhappy premature marriage that most likely ended in divorce or staying together for the kids. No thank you!

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  9. My prom was immensely underwhelming compared to yours. There were some interesting fights at the after party,none of which I were involved though.

    I went to a Catholic school, so we were required to shave. However, we had a week off before prom. Plenty of time to grow out a savage (and my no means pervert-looking) goatee. I also thought it beyond cool to wear some aviators inside the building. Needless to say, it was the coolest and most chill day of my life. I never once looked back and cringed at the night's eclectic fashion choice.

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    1. Even now I can't grow out that savage looking goatee, so thanks for reminding me that high school Steven could grow better facial hair than 30 year old Bryan.

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  10. Actually, all in all, I'd say your prom night was pretty darned good.

    I mean, you'll always remember it as the night you broke some jerk's nose. Not bad for a guy who just one blog bit ago was sporting frosted tips!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Yeah, I fixed that fashion faux pas pretty quickly. You should be happy to know that for historical accuracy the frosted flakes, uh tips were gone come prom time. However, not even my newfound sense of style could save me from a nightmare date...

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  11. Wow. I can barely remember my prom. I went with a friend of mine. We had fun. Sort of. I only went because everyone said I'd regret it if I didn't. And maybe I would have. It would have been built up in my mind to be SO MUCH BIGGER than it actually was. Now I know that it is just a dance in expensive clothes.

    I have to say that I expected more from the Mormon girl and less from the actual date. I didn't see any of that coming. I've heard it said that it isn't an event until somebody cries.
    The bonus... at least you guys remember your prom. Mine is just a fuzzy memory. If I'd punched someone or made someone cry... now, that I would remember. I suppose if I'd been punched or cried, it would also stand out...

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    1. Now that I'm older, probably the only things I remember from more than 10 years ago involve punching or crying. How screwed up is that? Then again, TV and movies have always romanticized the high school years. Both of ours were fairly bland/unadventurous. Now adulthood on the other hand? I have seen some shit, let me tell you...

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  12. KRAV MAGAH! That sounds like a pretty fun tale. It almost made me wish I went to prom. There were a few people I'd have enjoyed doing that to. When you said that Bryan didn't let him fall over, for a brief second I imagined Bryan might have caught him and stopped him from falling.

    I guess he sort of did in a way.

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    1. Using my loving embrace, I guided him safely away from the floor and into the tender arms of a rock wall.

      If you think about it, I was kind of like prom Jesus.

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  13. OhmyDamn, now THAT is a fucking prom story! Tigers? Dolphins? Broken noses? That is everything you want your prom to be, but never is. That story was better than Cats, I laughed, I cried, I craved pickles. I'll read this again and again.
    My prom was super boring by comparison, having only a MULLET as the star of the story. I did go to homecoming Junior year with a creepy loser, who picked me up super late, having a hickey from someone else. Class act. But alas *dramatic sigh* no fist-to-cuffs.

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    1. Every person I've ever talked to either had an incredibly boring/lame prom or a terrible one. Where are all of these "magical" and "exciting" ones I've heard about? Has TV, movies, and the Internet lied to me?

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  14. Love your look back at high school. Good times. Sorry about the frosted tips, though. That's embarrassing.

    I actually *liked* high school. It was a HUGE improvement over junior high, which was just...well, look at my avatar. That's all you need to know about my jr. high days.

    Prom was fun. I was in high school overseas, and there was no drinking age. Need I say more? Oh, and we took taxis everywhere (they were super cheap), so no driving. Drinking + cheap cabs + high school + 80s' music = AWESOME.

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    1. Maybe that was my fatal flaw, was not having an 80s prom. Forget the mullets and the bad electronic music, everything was just more fun in the 80s, wasn't it?

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  15. Love the tiger...everybody needs a buddy to hold them back.

    See? Everyone thought I was callous to ditch bad dates in my post about romance fails. That is a date I would have slipped out the back door on, but only because I hate confrontation and cannot throw a punch if my life depended on it. Okay, well, I could throw one, but I'd probably just dislocate my own shoulder.

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    1. If anything, putting my coat on and leaving after all of that was probably more badass than just standing around awkwardly by myself going, "Uh, okay, so... now what do I do?" Though it wasn't my intent to be badass, I just wanted to get the hell out of Dodge before a teacher saw.

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  16. I'm laughing too hard to form a truly coherent thought on this, but I just need to say this was SO worth waiting a week to hear.

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It was not exactly fun to remember (I had to sigh at my taste in women by even asking this girl to prom), but it was a blast to draw.

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  17. Let's see... I went with my boyfriend who I'd been dating for about a year. At one point, he said "Well, I guess you want to dance, hey?". He was not very enthusiastic about it. I was hoping that it wouldn't be as awkward as the junior high dances since we were older, had had sex with each other and had been dating for awhile. It was worse. Longest 5 mins of my life.

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    1. You know, I didn't enjoy many things at my prom, but one thing I'm truly glad for is that I didn't have to dance with this girl. She saved me the misery; I'm sure it would have been just as awkward and terrible, if not more so.

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  18. The true story of the fight was just as kick ass as the one you made up. Who fights at proms? You do, Bryan, you do. (I love the ripped abs through the tux - great touch!)

    I went to two proms. My hubby's and mine. His - we showed up for about ten minutes then drove around in the limo with all our friends the rest of the night. Mine - we ate dinner, went to prom for fifteen minutes, than spent the rest of the night partying in a hotel room with our friends.

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    1. That actually sounds like fun. So if I'm reading this correctly, my understanding is that the only way to have a fun prom is to barely attend prom at all. That's where I went wrong. Well, also by asking Ellen.

      You have to understand, though, we lived in a small cow town, so it was either Ellen or Peggy Sue the Retarded Goat. I didn't have a lot of options. Just ask Brandon and Ms. Lou Ferrigno.

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    2. You got it exactly, Bryan. Pay a shitload of money for tickets, stay at most fifteen minutes, than leave. There had to be pictures of something for my parents to enjoy. They didn't like the ones of me drinking beers in the hotel room. So picky, aren't they?

      I bet if you brought Peggy Sue the Retarded Goat, she would have kissed Gary the Gifted Giraffe all night.

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    3. This may be one of the greatest comments you've ever left. I truly LOL'd, and I don't use that silly term lightly. I also may have to steal Gary the Gifted Giraffe from you, as I can already picture him in my head... ideas are forming...

      Oh, and thankfully, I didn't spend a shitload of money for prom. Prom itself was fairly cheap, Ellen bought her own ticket, and we didn't even rent a limo or eat at a fancy restaurant. Even 18 year old me knew I could better spend my money on other things.

      BTW, fun fact, ex boyfriend and I already had a past of not liking each other. I worked after school in the IT department, and I was the one who discovered that he had been uploading porn to the public school folder. What did he name it? PORNOGRAPHY. The kid was NOT smart.

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  19. Again, I've got no prom stories of my own (not even middle school prom), but after reading your story, I'm kinda glad that I avoided another part of high school life...uni life proved better, anyway.

    -Barb

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    1. People say that your high school years are the best of your life, but I think that's just what the guys who peaked in high school say so they can try to remain cool.

      College and beyond is where the real excitement (and fun) began.

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  20. Sounds like the worst prom in the history of the universe!

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    1. Well, I didn't die in a fiery, drunken car crash or end up having a baby and dropping it in a dumpster, so... could have been worse?

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  21. Achoo! Hahahaha...I didn't go to prom and now I'm not sure if I'm sad or happy about it. This was awesome...err...glad you two survived prom...lol

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    1. I can handle myself, but as for Brandon? He's the one who's lucky he survived that night without being manhandled by Frau Biceps.

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  22. It was never as exciting as yours. A guy or gal has to stand up for what's right, sometimes. . .I didn't like the last couple of years of HS, but I still helped do the decorations (drawing) for the proms.

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    1. Back then my drawing skills were reserved for notebook doodles in the middle of a boring class. In other words, I'm envious that you actually got to put your skills to use.

      And now that I think about it, our prom location was so dark I don't know if anyone would have noticed any form of decorations or artwork.

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  23. That, was worth the wait. I really want you two to write more memoirs. Cause truth is always stranger than fiction. You can't make that crap up! How the heck did Brandon wind up meeting and getting with the Women's Body Building Champion? I think that story alone would be a best seller. And Bry- that little bitch is lucky you didn't do more than break his nose!!

    My prom experiences were all quite memorable. Like the one prom where I puked on a nun... I went to a lot of proms; not because I had lots of boyfriends. No, I was just friends with lots of guys. Some were still in the closet and needed to borrow a good hag, others got douched by some uppity or whack girl at the last minute and needed a warm body. I think I posted about some of these quality nights back in the day, for one of my Fact or Fiction posts. I never did wind up going to a prom with someone who had romantic potential. Especially since most of my dates could do my hair and make-up better than me for the event. LOL

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    1. What's this about puking on a nun? That feels like a full post all in itself.

      I know the feeling. I thought she liked me, but it seemed like I was little more than a warm body for Miss Ellen. Womp womp. Let me just dry off these tears with $100 bills.

      Oh wait, I'm not rich. Fuck.

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  24. I can't say enough how awesome you guys are. Thanks so much for the mention. I think when you commented about it on my blog, I responded with a flippant remark, thinking you were joking. Then I thought "oops, maybe I shouldn't have said that." The story is much, more better in technicolor and I need bleach to wash out Ellen's ugliness when that sleazy bitch learned she had to walk home. YOU ARE A HERO. Plus, you make me very glad I got rejected when I asked a guy to prom.

    Applause and gratitude.

    xoRobyn

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    1. Yeeeeah, Ellen was okay looking, but the moment I saw that cry face I knew I could never see her the same way again. What I'm saying is that if my wife ever developed that face, we'd probably have to get a divorce.

      And hey, being rejected is better than not trying at all. If it's any consolation, Ellen asked ME to prom. Maybe I should have rejected her... I mean, look where accepting got me?

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  25. We didn't have proms, but isn't the Prom King supposed to get laid?

    My daughter didn't go to prom as she was home schooled. My son went to prom, but he's gay so he went with his fag hag.

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    1. Not if the prom queen was a Sloth from the Goonies lookalike.

      Remember, we lived in a very, very small cow town. If it tells you anything, the captain of the cheerleaders was 200+ lbs because, well, she was the best we could do.

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  26. We don't really have prom in Canada. But we all went and partied in a field after the graduation ceremonies were over. I passed out in the back of a pick-up truck. Apparently, from the stories I heard the next day, I was quite the bit of entertainment, flopping around back there when my buddies decided to go driving about the field. So, I had to pass out and be unconscious to be the life of the party, and have the greatest night of my life.

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    1. Maybe this is what I've been doing wrong my whole life. I've spent all of it conscious. I can't drink myself unconscious; Lord knows I've tried that before. Hmm, ether maybe?

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  27. Hot damn that's some solid good action depicted there. Had me at the edge of my seat for the half second it took me to scroll down a bit too far!
    Prom never was this amazing for me. Then again, I'm no buff karate-champion either, so that probably detracts from the fun.

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    1. Oh yeah, when shit hit the fan, I was so glad I took those bullshit "don't talk to a stranger" karate classes when I was 6. Totally saved my bacon.

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  28. Hey, you've added action sequences! If the next post is directed by Michael bay, I'm jumping ship. I can never tell his robots apart.

    I didn't go to prom, because I was a homeless orphan at 12 and didn't really attend school after that (this is, oddly enough, true).

    But reading this blog post, I am less sorry about that than I've ever been.

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    1. Michael Bay's too busy ruining the Ninja Turtles to ruin us. Maybe next year he'll take over as creative director and up senseless helicopter explosions by 150%.

      (What's 150% of zero again?)

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  29. I went to 5 because I am obviously an idiot. They weren't that bad, but they weren't all that great either.

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    1. I think the best part of it is going into a semi-fancy restaurant for the first time in your life and pretending like you know what you're doing. That was at least worth a laugh.

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  30. Prom wasn't so bad my junior year. I went with my (then) boyfriend, and we had a lot of fun. My senior year, however, my boyfriend had graduated and I was dating other guys. A friend from work asked me to go, and since I thought he was a pretty funny guy from my experiences at work, I agreed. But that whole night, he just started getting really creepy. The way he was looking at me, and kept trying to pull me off into remote corners of the room all night long...I managed to maneuver out of these situations, but by the end of the night, my skin was crawling! I couldn't wait to get home and take a shower--scrubbing away all the creepiness of the evening!

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    1. So what you're saying is that unlike Ellen you were able to reject a little creepy attention in a dark corner?

      Frankly, I don't know how Ellen held out for so long. At 6'2, 95 lbs, and a nose you could hang a coat on, I don't know how any woman resisted his semi-incoherent wiles.

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    2. Sooo...basically she was making out with Broomhilda's cousin, "Sir Coat Rackian."

      It wasn't difficult to spurn this guy's advances. Just making eye contact with him gave me an "uh-oh" feeling. *Shudder*

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  31. Ha! No, nothing that exciting happened to me, sadly. All i remember is that I wore a ridiculously pink dress.

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  32. I went to three proms. 9th, 11th, and 12th grade. The last two were OK because they were with my boyfriend at the time, and well, the last one is now The Engineer to whom I've been married almost 22 years, so there's that...
    9th grade prom was memorable, but not for the good reasons.
    First of all, I'd like to go on the record to say prom is stupid. It's a tradition that's long since outlived it's welcome and people go to it because "you don't want to miss your prom, do you?" but how many people actually ENJOY THEMSELVES to the degree they pay out the ass for one evening?
    There's the whole outdo the others with the fancy dinner, the limo, the rented hotel room afterwards "that we're all sharing, MOM" and the drunkenness (at too early an age, got no problem with it now, if you're an adult and I don't have to clean up after you - personally, not a fan of the hangover, so I skip the drunk part and just enjoy myself) and lost virginity to the wrong person at the wrong time just for the sake of "tradition". It's just so totally asinine.
    I wanted to go with John (his real name, but since it's rather a popular name, I don't think he'll mind me using it for reals). My mother told me that I had to go with the first person who asked me, because it would be rude to say no to someone because you were waiting for someone better to ask you. I say it's rude to give some guy false hopes you like him by saying yes when you're totally 9th grade level "in love" with someone else.
    Well it's a good thing Mike asked me to the prom, because when John chose his prom date, a huge scandal broke out because he hadn't asked Terri. Terri always got what she wanted. Not John. He didn't like her. Terri would have been OK, if he'd asked her friend Laurie, who really liked John, but when he asked Annie, she started a smear campaign that destroyed three friendships, and I'm sure some of the guys relationships with each other didn't fare so well either...sigh. Told you it was stupid.
    So Mike ended up finding out I didn't really like him, so he didn't really dance with me. But oh, here comes John. For a slow dance. All my love and adoration was poured into that one dance, and if the lump in his pants was any indication, he liked me too, or at least me draped all over him...sigh. Young love.
    Ran into him at a friend's house long after I'd moved to CO, so maybe college days? He was still the same, but no sparks this time. Oh well, the Maryland blue crab and beer were great (can't remember what kind, we were underage so just happy to have something...I know it wasn't Coors Light because this was MD...)
    I hope this blast from the past series continues. The faces you've achieved in the cartoons are just so great, and I especially love the female body building champion, just her entire character. And of course that you took her to prom, though that sounds better than the kissy face scandal, or the Mormon scandal...
    Tina @ Life is Good
    A to Z Team @ Blogging From A to Z April Challenge 2014

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    1. I'm totally telling John you mentioned him on here. Wait...

      I stalked "Ellen" on Facebook and not only were there no sparks, I had a moment of "what the flying fuck was I thinking?" Then again, the years haven't exactly been kind to her, and she's a divorced mess now. And I can say all that because I didn't say her name! Booyah!

      So we had an entire other section we wanted to add to this post, but it would have been way too long. And that was going to be our adventures trying to navigate renting a limo and going to a fancy(ish) restaurant. I mean, you've basically got a bunch of kids dressed like adults, trying to eat like adults and act like adults... while very much not being adults. You know, not understanding why there's two forks. Seeing a menu full of shit that costs twice as much as you're used to and none of it sounds any good. Things like that.

      But alas, this turned out pretty long. I think we're gonna stop yakking about prom before everyone gets sick of us, but we'll definitely be doing more blast from the past stuff in the future (with more awesome drawings).

      Trust me, we've seen some shit. Brandon's been a semi-professional pool hustler. Bryan sang karaoke with a major general of the Thai army in Bangkok, Thailand. You know... the usual stuff.

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  33. I gave up my best Prom story on your last post, BUT I do remember all the drama involving PROM. If there weren't at least three girls crying in the bathroom at a time, it was a slow night. Fortunately, I was never one of them. Of course even when I was in H.S. there were bigger fish to fry that fretting over dates. Ha!

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    1. Well, I'm just happy to know I could contribute to 2 of those 3 crying girls all in one go. Mind you, I label ex boyfriend as one of the girls based on how quick he was to change his tune after his face got slammed into a wall and he started crying as hard as Ellen did.

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  34. Who could of known that going with a psychotic Mormon girl that didn't contact Bryan for months prior to the prom would of been the better choice? Assuming, of course, she too didn't have an ex that wasn't an ex that was to be in attendance. Brandon clearly had the better date. At least she came in handy for opening jars.

    As for my proms...that would of been in the dark ages so things were quite different. Proms were held in the gymnasium that had been converted to a theme of some sort by use of strategically placed crepe paper. Sadder still is that we thought it looked beautiful.

    Frankly it was so long ago much of it I have forgotten. I went to my Junior prom and my boyfriend-now husband's Junior prom with "guess who?". Yes, that would be then boyfriend-now husband. I went to my senior prom but can't remember with whom...my boyfriend/husband was in the Army that year so I know who I didn't go with...although, we were engaged at the time...I think the theme of the prom that year was "if you're not with the one you love, love the one your with...or at least someone that is willing to take you to your prom.

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    1. Yeah, I can't believe that ultimately, Mormon girl would have been a better choice. I could have at least tolerated the constant marriage proposals and prayers if it meant not bashing anyone's face in.

      Also, it IS really cool to hear that you ended up marrying your high school boyfriend-now husband. And are happy together. If I'd married either Mormon girl OR Ellen I'd probably be 200 lbs overweight and miserable out of my mind right now. Also, the blog wouldn't exist because I'd be too busy drinking myself to death.

      Delete
  35. I have no good prom stories, and I actually don't remember how many various proms I went to. I was not a go-to-the-school-dance kind of guy, but my mom was really good at volunteering me to take girls to dances. She volunteered me to the various girls' parents and waited to tell me at the last moment so that I couldn't think of a good way out. I don't remember how many of those may have been proms, and there are no good stories. Mostly, just boring.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. And here I thought prom was supposed to be some exciting, oversexed landmark event. Spoiler alert: no sex for any of mine. In fact, one of mine ended up in a church basement with everyone saying prayers and singing Kumbaya. If possible, it may have been worse than the prom I described above.

      Delete
  36. prom was lame except for the chick who decided to get wasted before hand and ralphed all over the table. I just took my date back to her parents house and screwed her on the downstairs couch while they were up stairs watching Falcon Crest!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I got screwed for my prom, just not in the same fashion.

      Delete
  37. After all of that you may have been better off with the Mormon

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I know, right? Well, unless 20 of her Mormon boyfriends followed her there out of jealousy. Then it actually might have been worse.

      Delete
  38. Was Brandon really Bryan that entire time? Like a Brad Pitt/Edward Norton deal? Cuz I gotta tell ya, that would've been stupendous:) I've a nice, tidy scar on one knee from my Senior prom. Something to do with drinking + crowded hot tub + razor-sharp jets = night of the living dead, the "cut" version.

    WriterlySam
    Echoes of Olympus
    A to Z #TeamDamyanti


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    1. Actually, Brandon and Bryan used to be two people, but Brandon died in a freak goat-tipping accident on prom night. Bryan was never able to let go, and now lives as these two people. It makes life awkward and a little sad, but at least he doesn't punch himself in the face for fun.

      Delete
  39. Never trust women with their exes. Guys are too shallow. We'll be friends with our exes while we're single, thinking there's a possibility to hook up. But as soon as we're attached again, we don't have the attention span to keep that going.

    Women who keep in touch with exes are dangerous though. A woman will more likely hook up with an ex she dislikes than a new guy she only mildly likes. It's a product of the "number" women always talk about. I think. I haven't quite figured women out :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Women have numbers? I have no idea what that is. For the record, I'm married and I still haven't figured them out.

      Delete
  40. Bryan is SO COOL!!!!! Dude, to have been a fly on that prom wall…

    Man, I'm not sure what I'm laughing at more. The strangely grotesque long necks or that the dolphin is named Jerry…

    I went to every single dance in high school, but none were as magical as my prom date. (I married him) And bam! 11 years later, we're still as obnoxious as Blondie and her ex. JK.

    I've gotten to the point where I look FORWARD to your posts. You guys = Talent.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. If you were a fly on that prom wall, you probably would have been crushed by the ex boyfriend's face. Just sayin'.

      You know, I'm just astounded by how many commenters actually married their high school sweethearts and are genuinely still happy 10-20 years later. That's amazing. Congratulations, truly. I think back to the girls I dated in high school, and if I had married any one of them I'd probably be living off of Ben and Jerry's and beer, resenting the 8.5 kids she shit out, and NOT running this blog because I'd have put the barrel of a shotgun in my mouth ages ago.

      Delete
  41. That once happened to me except instead of getting in a fight, I passive aggressively rolled into a ball and cried like a girl in the manliest way possible. Or burnt myself with a cigarette or climbed a dangerous obstacle or punched a wall or something equally cool, and by cool I mean completely lame. Man I miss High School. Good times.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You know what's great about high school? ...No, I wasn't going to say anything as a follow up, that was a legitimate question. What the fuck was so great about high school?

      Delete
  42. Yea I didn't go to prom. I don't think I missed much. And that is certainly one ugly bawling face haha.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The only thing you missed were cheesy decorations, "kid-friendly" music, and teenagers awkwardly making out on a makeshift dance floor. You were better off not going.

      Delete
  43. I didn't make it to prom, but what I heard, it was pretty boring. Instead, I went to a University with a friend and partied. We had a great time. )

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Now THAT sounds like a good time. College was and is infinitely cooler and more fun than anything you could ever experience in high school.

      Delete
  44. I could see that makeout session coming a mile away in this story. But not the horrific image you presented of it.

    I went to THREE proms, somehow, amazingly, for a fat guy with glasses and a lazy eye who liked comic books. None of them were very fun. Although at one we listened to "Once Bitten Twice Shy" at the party and I made out with my date for a while, so now when I think of that song it sends me back to when I was 17 and driving home the morning after the prom afterparty, a bit hungover and having made out with a girl the night before, my whole life stretching ahead of me, and also about 17 hours late to return the car to Mom and Dad.

    Ah, good times. "My My My Once Bitten Twice Shy babe! ..."

    Also:

    "Ocean Journey: Now with Tigers!" would make me stop at that roadside attraction. People always forget about just how tough tigers are when they talk about tough animals. Bears, sharks, lions: they get all the press. But tigers are not just tough but also apparently amphibious. Where's the media scare about THAT?

    "This morning on today: Ocean-going tiger attacks are hitting new highs around the world. Are your children in danger? Probably. But first, here's Matt Lauer interviewing a Kardashian."

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    1. The Ocean Journey is no longer there (they "renovated" it into a really crappy ocean themed restaurant) but I still never understood why they had tigers among sharks and stingrays and other Amazonian sealife. Actually, I know why they had them there. Because cats, that's why. Women would line up and watch them play with beach balls like 2,000 lb kitty cats. Kitty cats that would maul the shit out of you if there wasn't glass between you and them. But still... kitty cats.

      Delete
  45. My prom (both) consisted of going with my then boyfriend who later came out as gay. I should have known when he never pushed for more than a handy J. Sigh. Other than that it was uneventful. I danced, we ate, we went to after parties at friend's houses. Nothing insane...nothing as memorable as you guys either!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The fact that he still had to ask for the handy J to keep up the illusion of being straight is pretty sad. I mean, nothing's gayer than being with a horned up young woman and saying, "You know what, no, I'm fine, I'll just take a handy J."

      Delete
  46. Prom's are always sucky. You're sounds particularly bad though. I didn't have a date for mine so some girl from a different high school who I was mates with, let her boyfriends take me... it doesn't get more embarrassing than that x

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    1. I don't know, you could have sharted in your prom dress or got caught giving a hummer to the 80 year old shop teacher in the janitor's closet. Or both.

      Delete
  47. When I was in college I dated a girl who was just getting into body building when we broke up. I ran into her a year later and boy howdy was there a difference.

    I still have nightmares.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fitness = hot.

      Being able to bench press a refrigerator = penis retracting up into the pit of my stomach.

      Delete
  48. Holy shit. We didn't actually have a prom when I was a senior. I went to a junior formal and passed out afterwards, which disappointed my date, because he later told me he had gotten silk underwear CUSTOM SILK SCREENED WITH MY NAME ON THEM just for the occasion.

    Yeah, you're right. I never took his clothes off after I heard that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Having a name embroidered on underwear doesn't seem like a sexy tribute so much as it makes it look like your balls are now named "Jennifer."

      Delete
    2. I guess you didn't have your machine gune back then? You know, to do something about it? No?

      Delete
  49. i love you guys. yall make me giggle.

    as for prom... i didn't go to mine. no desire to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You didn't miss a damn thing. And per our lawyers, we're legally obligated to say that we love you too, but in a sexually non-threatening manner that is completely gender neutral. Or some PC shit like that.

      Delete
  50. Rubberneckin'... That's what high school was all about. And politics in general. Ah the inner gentleman is back. I recognized the Apple iGlass.

    P.S. What's that tiger doing with that dolphin?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, there was some kinda neckin' goin' on, but it didn't involve either of us.

      P.S. Now you see why Ocean Journey no longer has tigers...

      Delete
    2. Yep, I see what you mean. Makes perfect sense too. What do you mean it didn't involve the two of you? You don't have eyes in your backs now do you?

      Delete
  51. I'm never coming here this late in the game again. When you're comment #111, it's too hard to catch up on all of the fun! You guys don't give yourselves enough credit as artists. Bryan's despicable prom date had all kinds of ugly during her dramatic crying scene. Her gap toothed expression, melting blue eyeliner, and vivid green nose puddle were enough to make anyone dial an exorcist. Sorry that you had such a terrible time at prom, Bryan. Too bad that Brandon's body builder didn't have a twin sister! Thanks for encouraging them, Robyn!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Better late than never! And I think I'm quite fine without having had a She-Hulk in my life...

      Delete
  52. My sister is about to go to prom with her friends. Our niece and I agree she looks like Cinderella and hope her Prince Charming isn't as stupid. I'm just happy I never had to deal with the drama. Though, as a girl, I am disappointed I didn't get to have a super fancy dress... Meh, I'm over it.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Spending a few hundred bucks on a super fancy dress for a glorified school dance is definitely not worth it. I'm just glad I was able to rent a tux. Otherwise I probably would have just gone in a t-shirt and jeans. True story.

      Delete
  53. We didn't have a prom per se. It was and still is called the School Ball...it was the summer of 2000 and The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang was on repeat...if we were over eighteen we were allowed to have one drink of wine or beer with our teachers before attempting to gyrate to such fabulous music as Eiffel 65's Blue...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh, the memories. Eiffel 65 and The Bad Touch were very much at our prom as well. And you should just be lucky yours wasn't held in America, because the only beer we had we had to sneak because we weren't yet 21...

      Delete

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