Monday, March 17, 2014

The Rage of Aquarius

Welcome, one and all, brothers and sisters. Today we'll be taking you on a New Age journey down the metaphysical highway toward enlightenment (beware, there will be significant traffic delays due to construction). You see, we've recently become astrologers (not to be confused with that bullshit pseudo-science, astronomy) and would like to bestow upon you your weekly fortune.

For those who are unfamiliar, astrology is the science of saying that there are 12 types of people in this world, or signs. Those who share the same sign are destined to all act the same way and will even have the same types of events happen to them, simply because they were born within a particular 30-something day time span.


So let's see what type of person you are and what's going to happen to you this week!

Aries
Maybe it's because your star sign owes its namesake to the Greek god of War, but you're a quick tempered asshole. You're known every bit for your mental instability as you are for your arrogance. So sure, you wear a tinfoil hat, but at least you look damn good in it.

This week: You've had a rough go of it lately in the love department, but all will be made right when you get your genitals stuck in a vending machine.


Taurus
This is an earth sign, which is fitting, because you live on Earth. Like a snowflake, of which no two are ever alike, you are a completely unique, one-of-a-kind personality that could not possibly be duplicated in anyone else... just like all the other Tauruses.

Also, Hitler was a Taurus, so remember you're pretty much exactly like him.

This week: That dream you keep having? The one where you shame eat Fancy Feast cat food while binge-watching old reruns of Roseanne? That's not a dream. That's a late night wake up call that you need to get your shit together.


Gemini
According to the wisdom of the ancients, Gemini is the astrological equivalent of ADHD. You're an air sign, flighty and whimsical, and will most likely wind up getting hit by a bus.

This week: Fortunately, you won't get hit by a bus. You will, however, get hit with a wicked case of IBS in the middle of sexual intercourse with an Ethiopian sous chef. Ironically, it won't be because of his disgusting cooking, but rather from the parasite you picked up at Jim's Burger Shack last week. Shame on you.

Cancer
You are the astrological equivalent of a wall. You're there, and you serve some menial purpose, but no one ever notices you because you're mostly unimportant and easily replaceable. Sure, you exist, but at a certain point you have to ask yourself... IS there a point?

This week: You will realize that life is meaningless and in one last act of honor, you will commit the ancient Japanese suicide ritual that is Seppuku.

Leo
You have 8 legs and powerful mandibles, and periodically molt your exoskeleton. You prey on lesser insects and primarily are found in warm or moist climates.

This week: You will scuttle back and forth mindlessly hunting for prey, fail, and then eat the egg sacs of your young.


Virgo:
You're a filthy drunk. Sorry you had to hear it from us, but hey, someone had to say it. You do have other good qualities, like good aim in the toilet and heating up a wicked pot of Ragu, but it's often overshadowed by your raging alcoholism.

This week: According to the stars, your alcoholism will destroy a close relationship with a loved one. You really should have picked a better astrological sign.









Pro: You can blame your alcoholism on being a Virgo.
Con: You're a Virgo, so you'll pretty much always be an alcoholic.

Libra:
You're always focused on your relationships with others. Some may believe you're a good, thoughtful friend, but deep down you're an angry gossip queen who wishes everyone harm. Take pride in that. Wear it like a badge of venomous honor.

This week: Mr. Abernathy across the street will finally get caught with that bimbo mistress of his during lunch hour, so have your video camera and cell phone at the ready for the fallout. Also, your bitch Aunt Trudy will finally get her comeuppance for stealing your grandfather's inheritance by falling down a flight of stairs. Unfortunately, the nursing home is not properly insured and you won't see a dime from her death either.

I know, it's eerie how we know all this, isn't it? That's the magic of astrology.

Scorpio:
You are kind hearted. Soft spoken. Gentle. You would never do anything to hurt another living soul.

This week: You will rip the still beating heart from a man's chest and consume it in front of his children to assert your dominance in the workplace.


(As a Scorpio, Bryan is looking forward to tasting the blood of his foes this week)

Sagittarius:
You are an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery, smothered in green chili and roasted to light perfection.

This week: You're going to get a job. Meet a nice man. Settle down. Get married. Shit out a few kids. Send them off to college. Get divorced. Move quietly to Florida. Retire. And then die cold and alone in a third-rate nursing home.

Capricorn:
You're the kind of person who enjoys farting in a crowded elevator and then giggling quietly as 20 poor, trapped passengers inhale yesterday's triple-decker chili-cheese burrito. You sick bastard.

This week: You and your significant other are going to finally get that fancy abortion you've had your eyes on.

Aquarius:
You're a joker. You're a smoker. You're a midnight toker. Some people call you Maurice. Some people call you the space cowboy. Others call you the gangster of love. But your mother? She still won't call you, not after what you did to her begonias.

This week: You're going to get into a violent police shootout and go out in a blaze of glory. Headcount: 132. Not bad, rookie!

Pisces:
You're a daydreamer. A visionary. Unfortunately, this means you frequently have trouble distinguishing between reality and the dark, sadistic underworld that is your festering inner demons.

This Week: This will happen.


...No one's really sure why.

So there you have it, you know what's going to happen to you this week. Do try to act surprised when these events unfold, will you? The universe always appreciates it when you act like you didn't know what was coming to you.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Beer: Lagunitas SUCKS
Music: Roosevelt



129 comments:

  1. Brandon, sorry about the alien in your chest...
    I'll buy that I'm a mystery, but if I meet a nice man and settle down, someone please shoot me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh dear Alex, no one can tame your wild inner goddess, can they?

      Delete
  2. I'm a Leo (Aug. 10th) and a Dragon in the Chinese Zodiac (1988). So my astrological inner-self is some kind of mean creature with an identity crisis.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or it's some kind of badass, unstoppable spider dragon. The day spiders start flying and breathing fire is the day humans step down to number two on the food chain.

      We're watching you, Adam...

      Delete
  3. Replies
    1. I heard those awful things you said about me to Sarah. Sure, they're all true, and I've now begun to question my morals and life choices, but that didn't make it hurt any less, you know.

      Delete
  4. I'm a Leo, and I have to say, these astrological prophecies are totally bogus. 8 legs? Pfft, I only have 7, having lost one in a regretful encounter with a sadistic child. You nailed the sac-eating, though, heeyooh.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. It's totally a Leo thing. Others just wouldn't understand. I mean, if we weren't meant to eat our young, why would they come out as little tasty eggs, and why would we shit out thousands of them at a time? Some call it pregnancy, I call it free breakfast day, amirite?

      Delete
  5. Really not looking forward to having that thing come out of my chest. On the plus side, I think it's a good enough excuse not to go back to work on Thursday.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, Brandon wasn't looking forward to it either, but now that it's done the two are (literally) inseparable.

      Delete
  6. oh god I'm Sagittarius and I don't want to meet a nice man. That sounds awful. Why can't it be a woman. nooooo!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry, but horoscopes don't lie. If you were a straight woman, this week would be great for you. Since you're a straight man... buckle up, pal, things are going to get awkward FAST.

      Delete
  7. Scorpio: Nailed it! What about the bast--PEOPLE born premature? Because of the risky lifestyles of their pregnant mothers, I mean, NOT because of divine intervention forcing them to be a raging alcoholic when they grow big. This is what I always wonder about astrology. Other than that, it's black and white solid gold, undeniable science.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Frankly, with all of this information readily available on the Internet, I don't know how women can just be so irresponsible as to have unprotected sex on or around December/January, which is statistically likely to give you an alcoholic Virgo baby. Do you really want to put your child through that?

      Delete
  8. I didn't realize how mysterious we .Sagittariusans (Sagittrians? Sagittari?..whatever) are. I must not be much of a riddle as I did get a job, I met a man, popped off a couple of babies, sent them off to college...I don't see the divorce or a move to Florida in my future but that's probably because I am not good at completing tasks. I suck at follow through.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, half of that stuff already came true, which I think pretty much seals this horoscope stuff as 100% pure science.

      Delete
  9. I am an Aquarius. But I have Virgo-ish tendencies. I think my liver was born several months before I was.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your horoscope can often be developed in-utero, so it's entirely plausible that you have the liver of a Virgo. You might even have the 8 legs of a Leo.

      To think, there's so much about astrology that science hasn't even begun to scratch the surface of yet...

      Delete
  10. Appropriately enough, I'm right on the border between the spider and the alcoholic.

    Astrology is proved right again!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I bet that smug asshole Mike DeGrasse Tyson is spinning in his grave for believing in astronomy all those years.

      Delete
  11. Guess I need to book myself a flight to Ethiopia. I can't let this be wrong! In my travels on freelancing sites I actually saw an advert for a horoscope writer. The only requirement? To be able to turn one sentence into a whole paragraph of bullshit without losing the meaning. That really was it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey now, that's not just "it." It takes a lot of talent to write an incredibly vague, positive outcome that could pretty much apply to anyone and anything.

      "This week something startling will happen, and an old relationship that was once weakened or falling apart will begin to strengthen."

      Delete
  12. Having trouble commenting here. My tinfoil hat keeps falling over my eyes. Can't see the damn keyboard. And I am pissed. As in enraged. Seriously angry. I also need a valium? Anyone got a valium? I am afraid that I am going to fall through the rabbit hole any minute now.

    That sucks about my genitals and the vending machine. I have no idea HOW that will happen, but this is my future in gray and white, so it must be so! Thanks guys. I was looking forward to this week, but now I think I will go back to bed where there are no vending machines.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yeah, if you thought the Aries horoscope was bad for men, it's going to be really uncomfortable for women. That vending machine is not going to be gentle. And he says he's going to call you the next day, but he never will.

      In all fairness, though, you knew what you were getting into when you were born between March 21st and April 19th. Better luck next time, eh?

      Delete
  13. Best Beer In The Shower this week, Beer Boys!

    >>... This week: You will rip the still beating heart from a man's chest...

    That one kind of confused me. Is the heart "still" or is it "beating"?

    I may be a Leo, but I must have Aries rising, or on the cusp, or... packed in a small weekend getaway bag... "So sure, you wear a tinfoil hat, but at least you look damn good in it."

    Alright, I'm off now to eat an egg sac.

    [That's bullshit! Where are you getting 'Lagunitas SUCKS' at this time o' year? You lucky son of a... Irishman!]

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The heart is still beating after you remove it from the chest. Like, continually beating. You'd think that'd thwart your attempts to eat it, but it kind of adds to the experience. It's like it's fighting you, but you're winning, you badass carnivore you.

      Also, if you followed astrology more, you'd know where I got these last 2 packs of SUCKS. They tell you that kind of thing, you know. Astrology will tell you EVERYTHING.

      Delete
    2. >>... Also, if you followed astrology more, you'd know where I got these last 2 packs of SUCKS.

      You lying fu#ker!
      I happen to be an EXPERT at Asstrology, and after charting the heavens, it only led me to Miller's 'FORTUNE'.

      >>... The heart is still beating after you remove it from the chest.

      AGAIN yer full o' shit!
      You can't have your (beating) heart and eat it too!

      I'm beginning to suspect that this blog ain't scientifically sound. (I'll bet yer a bunch of Creationists hiding behind Hip Humor!)

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  14. I knew there was a reason I was quick tempered asshole, thanks for clearing that up haha I will avoid vending machines forever now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But if you avoid the vending machine, you may avoid your one true love. Think about it - she's got a slot that's always ready, and when you're done you get free potato chips. How can you beat that?

      Delete
  15. Hits too close to home. I am that Sagittarius and mine is totally true, as of you broke into my skull and read all the lines and cells in my brain. But Florida ney ney..nicht. Nada.

    That Hitler one - I use that too very often. I had a neighbour in India - and annoying as hell and he kinda makes our things disappear if left unattended and his cop out slogan "I am a Christian". And another annoying colleague "I am a vegetarian". And when I loose it I reply "guess what Hitler was too".
    now for teetotalers if I am going to use "guess what the bachelor Juan Pablo is too!"
    That shuts them up..

    I know you told me to refrain from talking about bachelor - but Anthony Weiner, Sarah Palin , and Kardhadhians and honey-boo-boo should never be forgotten they give America reality check. ..

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Apparently Anthony Weiner is a Virgo, which makes total sense, since he's a trainwreck. Also, Sarah Palin is apparently an Aquarius, so I can only hope she gets into that police shootout. God knows the women has the guns for it.

      What I'm saying is that we pretty much nailed this, so that Florida retirement home thing is inevitable. Sorry. But by the time you go there, you'll be senile, so it's not like you'll be aware of your surroundings anyway. Plus, all the pudding you can eat. On the whole, not bad!

      Delete
    2. Florida retirement home is inevitable? Now we have an impasse.

      Me: going to Florida? You have to shoot me first.
      Florida : yes, we sure take care of that. You are brown madam.

      And where is retirement or home coming in here or that pudding?

      Delete
    3. Actually, you're already in that retirement home, mindlessly being spoonfed that pudding while you just stare off into nothingness. This blog is nothing more than a dream designed to salvage your sanity. Unfortunately... it's not working.

      Delete
    4. ^ sign from neo? Thanks Agent Smith.
      Now, before reading your prediction and your blue pill/red pill wisdom I had some hope for tomorrow. But now I am all looking forward to that alien chest thingy or that heart the ripper ..Bryan ...the problem with you is there are so many yous. Hopefully other yous don't have addictive blogs..

      Delete
  16. Hu, well according to the arbitrary calendar system, I'm a Libra, but according to your predictions I'm a Virgo/Capricorn/Aquarius. I attribute it to that new 13th sign, Ophiuchus.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. This is totally possible, with all three horoscope outcomes still happening. Basically you'll get in a drunken police shootout which results in an abortion (they shoot the baby), and it tears your relationship apart.

      Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but as far as gruesome deaths go, that's a pretty crazy way to go out. You should at least make the local news.

      Delete
  17. Just once I would like to read a Pisces horoscope that didn't involve an alien bursting through my chest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Frankly, it's your fault for letting that alien vomit into your mouth. There are consequences for our actions, and this is definitely one of them.

      Delete
  18. These seem to be spot on, beer boys. Well done. I have been questioning my existence lately. I do feel like a brick wall. Everything seems so concrete. What's life all about? Forget it, it's not for me to know. I'm useless. If you're looking for me, I'll be in the corner dying a slow death from committing Seppuku.

    By the way, you used one of my favorite words: comeuppance (and now that song Thrift Shop is in my head along with The Joker.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If this post leads to a resurgence in Steve Miller's career, then he surely has us to thank.

      Do you need to borrow my katana? Because I have one. Don't ask. I'm just saying it's better than a kitchen knife or a pair or rusty scissors.

      Delete
    2. Wish I had read this before I attempted suicide with my dirt covered gardening shears.

      I don't think you have to worry. Steve Miller isn't resurfacing any time soon.

      Delete
  19. "That's a late night wake up call that you need to get your shit together".

    Damn. I KNEW IT!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If our bullshit horoscopes can save even one life, then we've done our jobs as snarky fiction writers.

      Delete
  20. Oh my God! I'm a Taurus. I just realized if I shaved the sides of my mustache off I would look just like Hitler. Now I need to find an Ava Braun look alike and we can share some fancy feast.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And when you start to lose the war, make sure that Fancy Feast is laced with cyanide so you can both go out in dignity. Well, as much dignity as one can have shame-eating Fancy Feast to the death.

      Delete
  21. Well, depending on the dates "your" astrological calendar shows I'm either going to get in a violent shootout or have an alien shoot through my chest... I'd prefer the shootout since, here in Colorado, I can bring my own gun to the battle! Epic as always guys!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And after that gun battle, you can self medicate with your own legal weed! I love this state! Yee-hah!

      Delete
  22. So, I'm a wall, and hubs is flighty. These are probably as accurate as the ones we see in the newspaper. It's something we can blame our problems on. Those are sun signs. Are you doing moon signs too?

    BTW - I always disliked those aliens that use us for their gestation time. Parasitical.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, right? And then they discard us as nothing more than empty husks. Those empty husks have FEELINGS, you know.

      Delete
  23. You missed out on a "commit sudoku" joke. I am extremely disappointed, not even kidding.
    Also, that thing with Leo being a spider? Think you messed something up there?
    >Shit out a few kids.
    Classic, but I laughed way too hard to that.
    Oh and another missed joke, right there at the end. A penis one, real easy too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess you could also commit Suzuki, if you're into cheap throwaway cars...

      Nothing messed up with the spider. It's all pretty sound science.

      Also, you can't see it, but Brandon's popping a boner in that last frame. We're just trying to keep this blog PG-13. But trust me, alien disemboweling definitely gets him off.

      Oh, all these missed opportunities. We need staff writers. Not to help out, but just to do all the work for us.

      Delete
  24. I was trying to be creative and come up with something that used every sign. Too much work... I know a Libra and yes, they are gossip queens. Plenty of drama and lies coming out both sides of their mouth to even out their scale.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That may be, but are you sure they aren't a huge egg-eating spider? Because we may have mixed up Leo and Libra this week. It's easy to mix the two up.

      Delete
    2. Quiet sure on the Leo. I know a few of those too. Or did I mix them up? Who knows... *shrugs*

      Delete
  25. Seriously. How are you guys even human??? Do you do normal things like go to the grocery store and brush your teeth? I have a hard time picturing it... I'm not sure what I picture. You staring at the mirror saying things like, "I am seriously so funny. Yeah. I rock." or you guys walking down the street pointing at people saying hilarious stuff under your breath while you get weird looks... Your brains have got to be going 24/7... I have a hard time seeing you guys living normal life cuz your brains are so freakishly beyond! (All of this translates to I laughed out loud SEVERAL times and you're brilliant) :)

    I didn't even know what sign I was. Had to look it up... and Aries... huh...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, of course I brush my teeth in the grocery store. Where else am I supposed to do it?

      I love this picture you've painted of us, of wandering insult comics that zing strangers for no reason.

      "Hey old woman, nice perm. I didn't realize they could sew your pubic hair to your head."

      Oh, and as mentioned above, your encounter with the vending machine will only be more tragic when he says he's totally going to call you in a few days and never does. Maybe next week's horoscope will be better for you.

      Delete
    2. *dies*

      Tell me you do it, though! (The wandering insults). Heh, if I ever passed you on the street, I'd gladly take a red head joke... I'm sure you've got some...

      Delete
    3. Oh come on, of all the things we could use to pick on you, being a red head isn't even in the top ten.

      ...We're kidding. Come on, that'd be mean. We wouldn't have any friends or fans if we just insulted everyone. Snide or clever comments are only made to one another and beer is sometimes* involved.

      *always

      Delete
  26. a wicked case of IBS in the middle of sexual intercourse with an Ethiopian sous chef

    I cannot stop laughing at this mental image-I have not finished reading the post, but the people working near me are kind of wondering about my mental state...

    LC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah yes, we had a great arsenal of jokes this week, but it seems the sexually-related poop jokes are always the home run. And that's no judgment from us; we wouldn't write them if they didn't make us laugh, too.

      Delete
  27. Normally, I'm of the opinion that astrology and horoscopes are full of crap, but that "festering demons" thing really has me wondering. No wonder I've been so hungry lately.

    Your insight is uncanny. This, THIS blog is where I'm coming for all my astrological needs from now on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, people SAY they don't like their festering inner demons, but once they burst forth from your chest cavity, drag themselves to a new host, and leave you for dead, you can't help but miss them, you know? Feel like you kinda took them for granted until they were gone?

      Delete
  28. Well having finished the post and cleaning the carpet fibers off of my shirt from rolling on the floor laughing, the only sign that did not crack me up was my own...."angry gossip queen?" Ouch!

    But thanks for the tip-I have my video camera ready.

    After the IBS line, this was the other one that really had me cracking up-although there were far too many to list!

    You do have other good qualities, like good aim in the toilet and heating up a wicked pot of Ragu

    Great post!

    LC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! And it's truly a compliment to the Virgo's skills as a functioning alcoholic.

      I mean, the fact that someone that drunk can not only cook spaghetti but aim in the toilet is a testament not just to their coordination but also their bladder control.

      Sometimes you've just gotta focus on the bright side.

      Delete
  29. Wow you were dead on. Although since Its been cold and snowy for the last 6 months, I have taken to cranking my heat up to 100 degrees and waiting for the prey to come to me.....so far so good. Being a Leo is the best.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's also a plus being the female spider, as you can always eat your mate. Sex and free food? Yes please!

      Delete
  30. I laughed my way through this, except when I read my sign -Cancer- it's the sobering truth. I'm completely meaningless, except to the spider I didn't kill 8 years ago. But I tried. Oh yes, I tried. I'm relieved and back to elation at the fact that I'm not a Capricorn and I can avoid elevators most everywhere I go.

    Seriously funny, and your humor is getting sharper and sharper. Everything you write (e.g., it's appropriate that this is an earth sign "because you live on earth.") reeks of obnoxious hilarity.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think this may be the only time someone's called me obnoxious and I've taken it as a compliment. So, thank you!

      Oh, and that spider got the worse end of the deal, trust me. Eight years later and he lives in constant fear of getting squished. Thanks to this paralyzing fear he's lost his job, he's lost his wife, she took the egg sacs (and ate half), and now he's just sad and alone.

      What I'm saying is, your life may be meaningless, but you did ruin the life of a helpless spider. So at least you have that victory going for you.

      Delete
  31. So...according to most charts, I'm a Gemini, but on others, I'm a Cancer. Either way, I think this whole astrology business is total crap. They don't know me! They don't know my life! It's just like that whole "physics" business. I mean, e=mc squared? What kind of messed up junk is that? Oh, and don't even get me started on "Calculus". That garbage was clearly invented by evil Martians trying to force us to learn their sadistic language so they can come to earth in droves and inhabit all the Pisces.

    However, thanks to this post, I shall now become much more wary in the presence of buses.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey now, don't be hard on calculus. I spent 1 year of high school and 2 years of college learning that stuff, and I assure you that as a full time writer I use it every day.

      Every. Single. Day.

      Delete
    2. Yep. That's the Martians talking right there. They've got you right where they want you...

      Delete
  32. now, see? if you'd never left a comment on tina's blog, marveling at the scrumptious existence of chicken spaghetti (yes, there is such a thing, and i will post mom's recipe within twenty-four hours... okay, fine. it's not mom's; it's one of her friend's.), i would not have needed to visit your page to assure you that, yes, there really is such a thing... and would've missed out on the awesomeness of this here post.

    my only question is this: WHY, WHY does the aries always have to be a dude? just because it's a sign that often acts with no class whatsoever doesn't mean we all have balls.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lucky for you, our horoscopes aren't gender exclusive. You all get your genitals stuck in a vending machine this week. We leave that up to your imagination as a woman as to how that's going to happen to you, but I assure you it's every bit - if not more - painful than the male version.

      Delete
    2. now there are images before my eyes that i'd really rather not see. thanks.

      and it was honorable mention. had it been dishonorable, there would've been a today's fodder tagged in the header bit. yall are funny. and i'm glad to have become aware of your presence. good stuff. love it. :]

      Delete
  33. There is a flaw in your illogic. I am a Taurus, as is Laurie, and we both overcame any desire to watch Rosanne on anything decades ago. But your Virgo thing really hits my son head-on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But you ARE like Hitler, I'm assuming? Just a little bit? (He was an accomplished painter, too, so you know, there's more than just the hatred of Jewish people thing)

      Delete
  34. My cousin is a Sagittarius and she lives in Florida. You might be better at this than you think.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Well... I'm really glad not to be a Sagittarius!

    My fridge didn't explode, but I was basically not home all weekend so the typing didn't quite happen. By Wednesday? At this point, that's like me throwing a dart at a spinning dartboard of the names of the week.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was going to see when it was going to happen, but this magic eight ball just said "Try again later" and then it said "BLURRRGH." Actually, that second time was all the goo oozing out after I dropped it on my foot.

      I'm pretty sure I have cancer now.

      Delete
  36. I'm a Gemini, which basically explains my certifiable schizoid ramblings/writings from time to time.

    Wait, what was that? Yes, I know they're funny guys, you don't have to tell me that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're just waiting for someone to figure out that much like Fight Club, Brandon and Bryan have always been the same person. But in this case, we're just a mentally unstable homeless person who punches random keys on the public library computer and somehow composes moderately funny blog posts.

      Delete
  37. I'm a scorpio, and mine feels eerily accurate this week. Eesh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you need a tip from someone who's already done it, make sure you look them in the eyes when you do it. Really enforces the dominance. Also, it's pretty hard to start eating a human heart, but once you're finished you'll kinda find yourself wishing you had more.

      Delete
  38. The IBS is a mental image I don't think will ever leave my head. Fun post, nailed it

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    1. According to the stars, the mental picture will leave your head by next week. The down side to this, of course, is that it will be replaced with something even more horrifying. Thanks to us.

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  39. I can so get behind this cause. I mean, I assume with your sarcasm font and your liberal use of the side-kick of smart-ass that you think MAYBE horoscopes are kind of bullshit. Or maybe I'm reading you wrong. I can do that from time to time...
    Now as we discussed last week, I believe in God. As a believer in God, along with that comes the belief in the evil parts of the universe that we also can't see. I mean, if you're going to have faith that there's something good out there, along with HAS to come the acknowledgement that there's a lot of evil shit out there too. Balance and all that. So yes, I believe there are ghosts and spirits and demons and the devil, and whole bunch of charlatans who want to make us believe our horoscopes.
    It doesn't take a genius (just maybe someone smarter than a 5th grader) to figure out that people will use context cues (not context CLUES, like the fake mediums, such as Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost use) to think their horoscope fits them. I mean, I can read ALL the horoscopes and find SOMETHING in my day that fits any one of them.
    I don't think when we're born in the year has anything to do with our personalities. I DO think our personalities have a LOT to do with our subsequent behavior in life and how that behavior helps us succeed or fail. Just leave out the stars part. Oh shiny! But that's it.
    I did really enjoy the genitals stuck in vending machine cartoon, I must say. But then you went and told jenn that it was an equal opportunity genital capture machine and it did alter my opinion somewhat.
    All I gotta say is that I'm a bossy bitch who likes to get her way, control everything in her environment, and basically run the show. Hence my extreme frustration in life right now that I really can't control anything...well, there's the words I use, and the crazy colors I let my stylist put in my hair....
    Tina @ Life is Good
    A to Z Team @ Blogging From A to Z April Challenge 2014

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    1. "I believe in Charlatans."

      That feels like the start of a novel. I love it.

      I believe much the same as you, and with that comes the belief that no matter where we look (the stars, science/technology, asking God "Hey, so... how about doing me a solid and telling me what's gonna happen next week?") we'll never be able to predict our own futures. But hell, isn't that part of the fun of living?

      One of the things we talked about going into this post was how it's funny that all of the horoscopes always sound so positive. That way, it's easier for you to 'find yourself' in the description.

      "You're kind. You have a good heart. You often mean well when dealing with others."

      Well yeah, unless you're John Wayne Gacy reading this thing then pretty much anyone can say that to some degree. Can you imagine someone picking up their newspaper and saying, "Wait, I'm an asshole and I'm mean to everyone! This can't be right."

      ...Wait, I might say that.

      The best, though, are the negative ones. Because even the negatives are always negative positives. Like when it says, "You're a jealous lover... but it's because you love too much."

      That almost makes it sound like a good quality, doesn't it? But if you think about it, it's really only a few steps away from, "You hit her... but only because you love her."

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    2. Sigh. I do so love it when people understand me exactly. I mean, my horoscope (I'm sure some version of it, because you know, different people write different ones. For the same day. For the same sign. That's SO un-mathematical. I mean, isn't there just ONE right answer? Yeah, that's why I love math so much...it's the only thing out there with ONE right answer...the bossy bitch likes that.) As I was saying, my horoscope said that "Today you will encounter like-minded people." They did leave out the "who write hilarious cartoons and ought to have their own show" though...
      ~Tina

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    3. Sigh. I do so love it when people understand me exactly. I mean, my horoscope (I'm sure some version of it, because you know, different people write different ones. For the same day. For the same sign. That's SO un-mathematical. I mean, isn't there just ONE right answer? Yeah, that's why I love math so much...it's the only thing out there with ONE right answer...the bossy bitch likes that.) As I was saying, my horoscope said that "Today you will encounter like-minded people." They did leave out the "who write hilarious cartoons and ought to have their own show" though...
      ~Tina

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  40. Instructions weren't clear. Genitals never made contact with the vending machine.

    And tin foil hats are *so* last summer. Cardboard baseball caps are where it's at, man.

    -Barb

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    1. Somewhere out there is a vending machine calling out to you. Yearning for you. Wondering what might have been. It's your loss... cardboard cap or not.

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  41. You're dead on! I'm a Leo, and I'm sitting here snacking on insects right now! How ever did you know?

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    1. Because the stars never lie. They just conveniently rearrange the truth to fit your weak inner needs.

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  42. I am proud to be a Libra and angry gossip queen. I am lucky to have family and friends that do enough stupid shit to keep me busy talking for years. Also, I never liked my Aunt Trudy and can't wait for karma to come back and bite her in the ass!

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    1. Make sure you get your video camera ready when she falls down the stairs. The stars say it'll make for a great viral video.

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  43. I always thought astrology was just bull, until I read this. Now excuse me, I have some egg sacs to eat...you wouldn't happen to know the calorie count on those, would you?

    A must share.

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    1. That's the great thing about being that small, is an egg sac is only like 1 calorie, and it's loaded in protein. Maybe we need to start marketing those as the next fad diet?

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  44. Oh my gosh - this all makes so much sense...I wondered why I was sharpening my samurai sword... I love the fact that, according to my horoscope I am described as caring, nurturing and maternal - I am not maternal...babies terrify me...I mean, have you seen some of the babies out there?

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    1. I've seen many babies, and contrary to what people say about them being "cute," I still see mushy-faced poop factories that scream and cry and can't even defend themselves against small predators. What good is that to me?

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  45. Well, I do make a damn good pot of Ragu. It's basically the only thing I don't burn/explode. But I've been doing the whole Virgo thing wrong. Somebody go buy me some liquor! I've got a lot of damage to do to my liver in a short period of time!

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    1. How the hell are you going to live up to your sign if you don't even drink? You know, you are a lousy Virgo. Sure, you're a good person with a successful relationship, but you're really disappointing the stars above.

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  46. I'm an Aries, and I feel like you know me better than I know myself! Do you know where I can get my hands on one of those tinfoil hats?!

    Julie

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    1. I would tell you, but then the reptilians will hunt me down and steal my only copy of Obama's birth certificate. What I'm saying is... get your own damned tin foil hat, and stop trying to hack into my brain waves!

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  47. Wait... is the Gemini the top or the bottom in the sex romp with the Ethiopian chef? Just asking because IBS + Power Bottom leads to a series of unfortunate events. An old Howard Stern intern, KC, told a story once about surprising his girlfriend in her most delicate flower when she wasn't expecting. He ended up looking like John Candy during the mud wrestling scene in "Stripes."

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    1. The Gemini isn't just a bottom, it's a power bottom, meaning that you should probably bring a poncho. And goggles. Shit is gonna get out of control. Literally.

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  48. Finally, someone making sense of these HORRORscopes. Of the people I know in the various categories you were spot on. As for myself - you ya calling Rookie? The body count goes up by the week and I keep managing to survive. Ha,ha,ha! Don't you dare ever call me 'Maurice'!

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    1. Well, horoscopes are only guaranteed to be 99.99% accurate, so consider yourself the .01% badass that I will definitely stay away from during your next psychotic cop-killer rampage.

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  49. It's kinda scary how accurate mine was. I mean, they're supposed to be vague, not accurate. Nice going, guys.

    I also felt really tempted early on to skip all the other signs until I got to mine. I had to stop myself. It's a matter of habit.

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    1. Hmmm, now if only we could guess which sign that was. You don't have 8 legs, so you're not a Leo. You aren't married with kids and you don't live in Florida, so you're not a Sagittarius...

      Taurus, maybe? I can see you being a little Hitler-like. In a good way, of course.

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  50. I wish my Aries brother would have a rough go of it in the love department. That would be a relief to the entire family. Even the cat runs away when his girlfriend comes over.

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    1. Well, when he gets his junk stuck in a vending machine and can't make the next family dinner, you only have us (and the stars) to thank for that.

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  51. "You are the astrological equivalent of a wall. You're there, and you serve some menial purpose, but no one ever notices you because you're mostly unimportant and easily replaceable. Sure, you exist, but at a certain point you have to ask yourself... IS there a point?"

    My God! This is so spot on!

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    1. This goes back to that whole concept that horoscopes could really apply to pretty much anyone. This one included. Wait, was that too dark?

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  52. I'm an Aries and, do you know what, I HAVE had a rough time in the love department. You so get me. I once worked with a woman who introduced herself at 'Caz, I'm a virgo". Caz was a pain i the fucking arse. x

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    1. Whenever I hear someone say something like, "But you know, I'm just like that because I'm a Virgo" what I really hear is, "But you know, I'm just like that because I'm incredibly gullible and have an intense desire to be exactly like everyone else."

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  53. That is just an out and out fallacy. *sip* I am a Virgo and am by no means an alcholic. *drink* I'm a writer damn it, which already comes with alcoholic accusations. *gulp* I refuse to acknowledge that being a Virgo also makes me a drinker. *chug* So, see, nothing accurate about those horsoooooschopes. Nope. Nothing at allll. Have I mentioned that I LOOOOOOOOOVE you guys, like soooooo much?

    ;)

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    1. Well, it's just good to know you're the affectionate type of drunk and not an angry one. BECAUSE IF I SEE YOU STOP BY HERE AGAIN I WILL RIP YOUR HAIR FROM YOUR SCALP AND MOUNT IT TO MY WALL AS A TROPHY.

      ~Bryan the drunk, angry Scorpio

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  54. I'm a Leo and I do feel a bit hungry!

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    1. As someone with multiple kids, it's always nice to know that you have a least one to fall back on if you get a bit peckish, amirite?

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  55. Can you change Leo please I fucking Hate spiders!
    Virgo is more my style-hiccup

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    1. I can't say I'd want to be a male spider either. You're ugly as hell, you eat bugs, and the only time in your life you get laid, your lady (literally) bites your head off.

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  56. Sexual intercourse with an Ethiopian sous chef... Happens to me all the time and very time it does, I blame the stars.

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    1. Sometimes, when the stars align, we find magic and beauty in a single moment that defines our lives forever. Other times, we get banged over a hot stove while smothering ourselves in Gomen Kitfo.

      Fate is a crazy thing, isn't it?

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  57. Man, I'm glad horoscopes aren't true. Cause I'm a Pisces, and it would suck if - arghhhhhhh ...... gurgle, gurgle.

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    1. Rumor has it there's a time-traveling toaster than can fix all of this. Just be on the watch for Huns.

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  58. Considering my baby making stuff has pretty much left the building, the whole abortion prediction is unlikely
    the farting in the elevator...well that is always fun

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  59. Army shorts require it to light and the reflected light waves reflected from the surrounding landscape roughly the same.

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