Monday, March 31, 2014

Faded Glory Part I: Mormon Family Values

Neither of us are big on reliving the glory days of high school, and that's keeping in mind that the two of us have known each other forever, so for us that would be the same high school, for the same four grueling years.

So today we're going to have a blast from the past and relive a few select memories from high school, because what 20 to 30-something doesn't love remembering the time you were awkward and had no freedom and no money?

Once upon a time, Brandon and Bryan were in high school...


...and yes, Bryan had frosted tips because it was 2000 and that was cool back then (Hey, at least I didn't look like that assclown Sisqo okay?).

So Bryan had a friend who, for some inexplicable reason, introduced him to a very nice, very mousy Mormon girl whose name we've withheld... not because we're trying to protect her, but because Bryan genuinely has no idea what it was (this is important for later).

On their very first meeting, she casually asked him to prom.


In true high school "I don't give a shit" fashion, Bryan said, "Whatever." So the girl told her parents, and her parents... absolutely freaked out. Because apparently "whatever" is the Mormon equivalent of "we're getting married." And Bryan wasn't Mormon.




Her parents specifically said she should date a ton of Mormon guys just to "test the waters," and if she still wasn't satisfied at the end of that, could maybe go to prom with Bryan. Maybe. If he converted.

It's always nice to be someone's plan Z.

The girl relayed this to Bryan, and said it wasn't anything personal. It was just because he was Catholic, so basically it was personal.

Catholic Guilt(TM): It never leaves you, it just lessens each year as you slowly die inside!

Still, Bryan had to give her the boot. Because even at the age of 17 he knew he didn't need that kind of crazy shit in his life.




Bryan told her goodbye, and the two stopped all form of communication. He thought that was the last time he'd hear from her. Unfortunately, it was not...

Meanwhile, Brandon had a hard time deciding who to take to prom. He was an indecisive little whore, and spent most of his high school career joining various clubs in order to increase his...uh, sample size.

First there was the drama club, in which Brandon actually won the role of the Tin Man in our high school's production of The Wizard of Oz.


But apparently girls aren't all that crazy for gray-face.

Then there was the science club.


(Take that, Big Bang Theory! You're not the only one who can crack high school level chemistry jokes in an attempt to make yourself look smarter than you really are. Booyah!)

Finally, he tried the swim team... which was obviously not the best place to find a prom date.


And 4 months later, he wound up going to prom with the state of Colorado's women's bodybuilding champion. No, really. She was a, uh, handsome girl, that one...


But something else happened 4 months later. Because while the two of us were out at prom, Bryan's mother received a very, very angry call... from the Mormon girl's mother. Which was odd, since Bryan hadn't talked to the Mormon girl in 4 whole months, ever since she decided she was going to date a Mormon football team and Bryan decided to cut her loose.

But the Mormon girl's mother demanded to know where Bryan was, because he was... late for prom?



That's right, even though 4 months had passed with Bryan and the Mormon girl not talking to each other, she and her mother still somehow assumed that Bryan was going to take her to prom. And since he did not (...even remember she existed), she and her mother were both heartbroken and furious. And they both swore they'd never talk to Bryan again after that.

...Which was kind of the whole point to begin with, wasn't it?

Similar to those previous 4 months, you should be surprised to hear that to this very day, Bryan and what's-her-nuts still don't talk.

Stay tuned for next week's continuation when we tell you what actually happened at Brandon and Bryan's prom. Hint: for the first time in his life, Bryan got to make someone bleed his own blood.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
~Brandon and Bryan

Beer: Powder Monkey Pale Ale
Music: Nigel & the Dropout


122 comments:

  1. She was a special kind of crazy.
    I remember going to my senior prom and still have a picture to prove it. Don't remember her name either.
    Frosted tips might've helped my Prince Valiant hair cut...

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    1. I don't know what you're talking about... Prince Valiant got mad bitches.

      Delete
  2. Wow, what a nut job. Date Mormon men everywhere and then still except you to take her. Hopefully you never find her in a dark alley. And hey, at least dating the hulk can get you into locked doors.

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    1. Well, if she's like the other Mormon girls I know, she's probably been married for 10 years and has about 5-20 kids, so I doubt she's frequenting any back alleys.

      And I don't know about locked doors, but that girl could open pickle jars like a champ.

      Delete
  3. I went to a Catholic school and there were still mousy, Mormon girls.
    And unfortunately, I was unable to know what it was like to be cool because I have blonde hair and could never sport frosted tips; although I so desperately wanted to. Almost dyed my hair black at one point. That most certainly would've boosted my cool factor.

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    1. Yeah yeah, rub in your luxurious blonde locks. We were all just trying to imitate you in the late 90s/early 2000s. But we couldn't ever be you, Chiz, could we? Could we?

      Delete
  4. I went to the prom with a girl that I had broken up with months ago. Who also coincidentally wasn't a mormon. Fun times. Fun times. And I'm older than you guys, so I had the full Art Alexakis thing going on, bleach blond hair brown goatee. Ah the 90's.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Do not ever let anyone speak ill of the legendary Art Alexakis or the American rock icon that is Everclear. To this very day he still maintains that same style. You know why? Because fuck you, he's Art Alexakis, that's why.

      Delete
  5. Reminds me of when I used to date, and living the bible belt you get a lot of girls who go "you can't be with me if you're not with Jesus".

    A former co-worker and his girlfriend started complaining about Obama after he won re-election on FB, saying a whole bunch of stuff about God, and being pro-life. Yet they have a baby born out-of-wedlock... Irony much?

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    1. Did you ever explain to them that Jesus doesn't like threesomes? I'm pretty sure that's somewhere in the good book.

      Also, I'm sure that same co-worker will tell you that God willed that out-of-wedlock baby. I mean, he did nothing to stop Obama and he did nothing to stop pro-choice legislation, but he did insist that one random woman from your office get prematurely knocked up because it's a blessing in disguise or some BS like that...?

      Delete
  6. I don't know if I'll ever get with someone that crazy and I don't know how I feel about that. I should feel relief, but I have a special place in my heart for psychotic women.

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    1. Apparently psychotic women are demons in the sack. But with a Mormon girl you aren't going to get to experience that unless you marry her. So basically that's not a dice either of us were ever willing to roll.

      Delete
  7. Yeah right. You didn't know her name but you remember her underwear. The white and white one..How typical..
    btb I am going to ask my mom to call the guy who lived next door and also went to my same school and ask his mom why he didn't propose to me. Thanks for the inspirational post.

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    1. I think her name was maybe Carol or Cheryl. Or maybe I've just been watching too much Archer. What do Mormons name their girls? Broomhilda? Gertrude? Agnes? It's usually something old timey and really unsexy, isn't it?

      Delete
    2. Your chemist joke was E-einsteinium-y? Sulphur-Uranium-Phosphors-Er bium-Boron , superb..
      and never speak I'll of mentos coke. For my kids science fair we spent hours to do match the game with light bulb and wires and battery and Lego vending machine - though it was a crowd pleaser because of novelty - where do you think the crowd was - mentos/coke and baking soda volcano....

      Delete
    3. A science experiment with Legos? We never got to do any fun projects in science class. It was just "draw these molecules" or "write a paper about what would happen if you mixed these chemicals."

      Thank God for Bill Nye The Science Guy, though, otherwise I probably wouldn't know jack shit about science (or care). That show practically carried me through every science class I ever had.

      Delete
    4. Let's back up to the possible names for psychotic Mormon girl...Carol or Cheryl?? Let's just go with Carol for the hell of it.

      Delete
    5. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it was Glen? Or Glenda?

      Delete
    6. What???why should my kids study in America then? I had my teachers do dumb charades for all classes even to explain magnets and concave and convex lenses.
      No practical classes or anything whole school was memory and recite from memory exercise. No wonder Indians aren't creative.we aren't supposed to be.

      I like schools here. Kids learn in fun way. We actually tried vending machine with meat grinder and spring and lays packs then we saw YouTube and went with Lego - to explain wheel and axle thing for pingpong ball vending machine.

      America is a good place and pretty tolerative, you can have a science project to explain science and art behind twerking and explain newton's laws with that.

      in India first we don't have science fairs and even if they do, you have to do what they say - which shall be copying something from textbook in a project display board.

      Delete
  8. Yowch. Kinda makes me glad that my private Christian high school didn't bother with the whole prom business in the first place.

    I also have to say that after reading your account on how the girl kept on waiting AND expecting to be taken to prom when it was made clear that it certainly wasn't going to happen, I suddenly feel less crazy about my own (non-existent) dating life. :P.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Dating be crazy. You're better off without. After all, dating is the leading cause of pregnancy, divorce, and the gum disease known as gingivitis.

      Delete
  9. I never went to my school prom. It wasn't just because I was against the Americanisation of my school, or because I had no one to go with, but because I hated each and every one of those bastards with every fiber of my being and I hope the rage is seeping through these words. Still, woulda been nice to know a mormon girl. I was totally expecting Brandon to take said mormon. I'm a 20 something with no freedom or money, so I guess you could argue I'm still living the wonder years. I have had my fair share of crazy parents though. Mothers...don't really like me much.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yeah, neither of us were big fans of high school either. They always say those are the greatest years of your life, but I think that's bullshit. You have no money. Your parents still control your life. Your hormones are all out of whack. Remind me what's so great about that...?

      Delete
  10. Plenty to like in this one, BEER BOYS!

    First, love the "More Cowbell" T-shirt.
    (The frosted tips... eh, not so much.)

    The framed Mitt photo made me GOL.

    Man, your school did an interesting take on 'The Wizard Of Oz' in the Theatre Dept. Just think how you really could have Triple-X rocked 'Romeo & Juliet'.

    And I'm proud to say that I have no idea who "that assclown Sisqo" is. But of course, in my day, we had David Bowie and the New York Dolls - no shortage of dudes who looked like ladies.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. (The frosted tips... eh, not so much.)

      You and me both. I still cringe when I see those pictures. It was only for a few months but the damage lasts a lifetime.

      Also, thanks to Aerosmith, we'll always have dudes that look like ladies. Except Steven Tyler. Right now he just looks like a Lizard Person.

      Delete
  11. Ooh, I'm honored to know the upcoming story already. This one was just bizarre. They ARE a special kind of crazy, and I especially love the line about being someone's plan Z. Been there, and while I thought it was kinda nice at the time, I'd wish I'd be upgraded to Q.

    xoRobyn

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    1. You sure do know the upcoming story (and get an honorable mention), but now everyone gets to see it fully illustrated in stunning technocolor.*

      *MSPaint

      And apparently even though I was plan Z I still held up, which begs the question, was I really that awesome, or was she just that bad that she couldn't get a date among 100 Mormon guys and was left with me?

      Delete
    2. Can't wait for your technicolor heroics.

      And it's both: you were/are really that awesome, and your "whatever, but I'm 25% Catholic" was by far the best response she got...likely then and now.

      Delete
  12. So much good stuff in this one.

    Like Stephen, I loved the MORE COWBELL on the t-shirt. Ironically, if not for a fellow blogger friend who recently posted about the significance of the cowbell in a few songs, that would have been lost on me. As it was, hilarious.

    The high school science smarty humor had me rolling over. I don't watch The Big Bang Theory, but I know a lot of people who do... and I have even seen some clips, so that was great.

    As I was reading this, I had this random thought... I really should ask these guys how they create the cartoons. I think my posts would be a lot funnier with cartoons. Or, at least visually engaging. Of course, your explanation could be similar to the high school science thing in computer geek... in which case I would not understand a word of it. I am lucky I found this blog.

    The story... OMG, funny funny stuff. I can't decide what part I like best. I think it might be the cartoon of mom getting the phone call that her son is three hours late picking up what's-her-name. "Lady, you and your daughter are a special kind of crazy." hahahaha. Or it might be all the different references to Mormon Girl dating as many Mormon guys as she could before prom... just to be sure. In any event, I am looking forward to Part 2. Thanks for the chuckles.

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    1. I haven't really watched the Big Bang Theory but we always have to roll our eyes at the folks who say they like it because you have to be "smart" to understand it. No, no you don't. They take regular jokes and wrap them with high school level science to make it appear nerdy. While some of it may be funny, that's not the definition of smart.

      I draw all of my cartoons by hand using MSPaint, aka that wonderful little drawing program that comes stock with every Windows computer. I can offer advice, but it all depends on if you can draw or not. There's plenty of other options, such as simple tablets (not the $600 iPad tablets, mind you) that allow you to try digitally with a stylus pen. But again, you have to draw it yourself. We don't outsource or take images; we're all in-house talent.*

      *that T-word used very loosely

      E-mail us if you have any other questions or are really thinking about doing cartoons. They do help spice things up so it's not just a wall of text. Our traffic was approximately zero when we were doing text only.

      Delete
    2. I suspect that I don't draw very well. I sense a disaster in the making.

      And no wonder you only post once a week. It takes all week to get the cartoons ready...

      Delete
  13. Still sounds better than my story. I went to the prom with a girl who guilt tripped me into it by threatening suicide. Needless to say, that was a relationship that stood the test of time*

    *three days

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    1. It ended after three days because she killed herself, right? Or you killed yourself and your ghost is now haunting the blogosphere?

      Delete
  14. Dating a crazy chick is like an all-night bender or drinking before noon. The older you get, the more you wince just thinking about it. And crazy girls are the Montezuma's Revenge of dating -- the gift that keeps on giving. When it's over with a crazy chick, she doesn't say, "Well, hmmm... you make a hell of an argument there. So let's agree to an indefinite period of zero contact." No. If you date herk for two months, you get two years of "crazy chick probation," filled with a) successive calls at 2 a.m. with no voicemail, b) "coincidentally" running into each other in random places, and c) sporadic emails or texts telling you what an asshole you are.

    By the way, who did you wake up with the next morning? Ed Norton or Mark Ruffalo?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I dated a crazy chick for 2 years. God help me if I ever figure out when that probation is over.

      And actually, I woke up next to a severed horse's head, so apparently the Mormon girl still stalks me and now reads this blog.

      Delete
  15. For prom I bought a pair of black satin elbow length (height?) gloves. Then didn't wear them because I remembered I'm not that fancy... one might say more trash than treasure. High school definitely are the most awkward years of life though... glad they're behind me. Now I have booze to fend off those pesky awkward moments.

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    1. Thanks to the miracle of beer, it was actually a stretch to find any memories worth posting today. It's astounding how much we don't remember about high school, because nothing represses awkward memories quite like alcohol.

      Delete
  16. As hesitant as I am to even type the word Mormon (as you know I have a history of trouble with that word) I do have a few observations and comments. (Surprise, surprise, huh?)

    1. Not diminishing the fact the the mousy little Mormon girl didn't think Bryan was adorable with his frosted tips and all...the poor girl probably couldn't come up with a date among "parent approved Mormon boys" as they were all busy ringing doorbells at the home of all doomed-to-hell non-Mormons.

    2. As I read the line about Catholic Guilt I was thinking that after having tried on multiple religions to see what stuck..and I appreciate the depth of Catholic guilt, I must say that CG is NOTHING compared to Southern Baptist Guilt. SBG is forever in hell if you haven't had an epiphany of being born again, while CG is doing time in pergatory until you redeem yourself. Well unless your sins are mortal and not venial and then you just deserve whatever you get. Sorry but I didn't make the rules.

    BUT of course, I had second thoughts about even bringing up the subject of my chronic indecisiveness dealing with religion as you called Brandon an indecisive little whore for joining multiple high school groups. SOOO let's pretend I never jumped from church to church and I am totally committed to [fill in the blank with any church you want].

    3. I think the BE-AU-TI-full pick up line is awesome. I wouldn't let it go to your head though as you are getting this from the girl that married the high school boy that had the locker next to mine.

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    1. Actually, for the record, it was Brandon who called himself an indecisive little whore. He typed out his part, not me.

      And yes, even though I was plan Z I think Plans A-Y either didn't want her or fell short. I mean, I'm nothing great, but I have to think I can beat out your average mousy guy with a Bill Gates haircut who spends his days riding his bike door to door.

      Delete
    2. Actually I thought it was pretty funny ...maybe more so knowing that it was self-inflicted name calling.

      Oh...you are modest. You were probably her plan A but her parent's plan Z. (not being Mormon couldn't of put you on their A list) I find it really interesting that she waited that whole time expecting the date to stand but never communicated with you.

      Delete
  17. My memories of those days don't involve school or school dances. Lots of playing out, smoking dope and pulling pranks, but that's about it. Let us not speak of these things....

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    1. We know the feeling. That's why out of 4 years, or 8 between the 2 of us, this post and next week's is about all we can even remember that's remotely high school related.

      Delete
  18. As crazy as it sounds, the latter half of my high school career actually were the best years I've had so far. Granted, I'm only just about 20 years in, and high school was 2 years ago, but still. Fond memories and all that.

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    1. You probably went to a lot better high school than we did. Ours was in a dinky cow town, graduating class of about 150-200 people.

      But trust me though, if you think that was good, the next few years are going to be awesome. The true meaning of adulthood is waking up one day and realizing that adulthood doesn't exist. We simply choose whether to act more mature or not.

      So long story short, the only thing that makes adulthood boring is choosing to be a boring adult.

      Delete
  19. Between proms and reunions I now understand why Americans go through a lot of therapy!
    Funny though.

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    1. And now you can see why neither of us had any desire to go to our 10 year reunion last year.

      Delete
  20. What's-her-nuts and her mom sure came up with a spankin' new brand of crazy lol
    Love the 'More Cowbell' T-shirt...and the frosted tips? I remember how hot that was back then. Shoot me now.

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    1. I still have the pictures. I thought I looked cool then, but now? Cringeworthy. Very cringeworthy. Like 90s Timberlake but with less ramen noodle poof.

      Delete
  21. A special kind of crazy indeed! Apparently the other Mormon choices didn't work out so well.

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    1. Yeah, so should I be flattered or insulted that being Plan Z actually worked out (apparently) in my favor?

      Delete
  22. I was 40 and dated a three-times-divorced Mormon woman with three kids for about five weeks.

    Before date 1, I told her I was Catholic and would not consider converting, so if that were a big deal we should just be friends.

    I made the mistake of picking her up from her parents' house on the second date and got the whole conversion speech. Not sure what being Catholic in Colorado is like, but in Philadelphia, it is more than spending an hour at church on Sunday...it's part of your culture.

    After a few weeks of this, I told her again, I would not convert, and she said she never wanted to see me again.

    I said ok.

    Over the next week, she called over 100 times, her mother called an called me evil, I'm surprised the church elders did not come looking to kick my ass.

    I am not one to knock someone's faith, but my exposure to that organization left me thinking it was a little more like Jamestown than Vatican.

    In short....you got off easy!

    Larry

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    1. I think I did get off easy. The closest I can compare to that is the Jewish girl who liked me and was considering dating me. I say this because she lined out ALL of these rules, first date, very first words out of her mouth as we sat down.

      "Here's the deal. I'm Jewish. You don't ever have to convert. I respect that. But I will always be Jewish and our children will be Jewish. There will be no Christmas tree in my house and none of that Jesus guy. If that's okay, this date can proceed."

      The date did not proceed. Not because I have anything against Jews, but because a woman dropping "our children" on the first date is a woman you run from. Not walk. Run.

      Delete
    2. I was thinking that same thing as I read this (run)...shouldn't the most complicated decision on a first date be whether or not to get dessert?

      Delete
  23. UGH, an ugly return to HS. What's even uglie? HS dating. Yeah, I went to my prom and a few others I was invited to. The absolute highlight of your HS social career. I mean you just had to go...

    Sorry, but this reminded me of my 'best' prom story. I went to HS in a large mid western city, in which there were many Parochial schools. One was even a Seminary (a place for training would be priests). A friend of a friend introduced me to this guy who kept asking me out. He was nice, good looking and had potential, but something kept be from accepting a date from him. FINALLY, he figured I could resist an invitation to prom. He was right and I almost accepted, but I decided to get a little more information on him. Went back to the original friend of a friend and they told me he was a Seminary student. I confronted him with 'Are you crazy?' and he tells me that they encourage them to date and be sure they really want to enter the priesthood. I'm thinking oh yeah, I want to meet your nice Italian mother on prom night for pictures, and get the 'evil eye hex' for being the lips and hips that deprive her of a Monsignor in the family, OR worse be that date that sent him running and screaming into a life of encounters with little boys. No Thank You. Fortunately, that was the last prom invitation I received. YIKES!

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    1. Wow, you were going to be a guinea pig for a priest. How hilariously awful. My gay brother-in-law once asked a girl to sleep with him to make sure he really was gay. He confirmed afterwards, "Yes, I am." Now then... how horrifying would it be to be that girl?

      Delete
  24. I bet Mormon-girl is still out there somewhere, torn between a life of plotting her revenge and waiting for that phonecall. Sleep with one eye open xx

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    1. "According to his Facebook he's been married for 3 years. But there's still hope. THERE'S STILL HOPE."

      Delete
  25. Thank you for your tender portrayal of the most traumatic moments in everyone's high school life: the prom. During my junior year, my boyfriend broke up with me two weeks before prom, and a friend asked if he could take me since I already had my dress. I said okay but then spent the entire night (the ENTIRE NIGHT) from 6 p.m. to 5 a.m. trying to fend off his...um...hormones. I was not interested in the least, which made it ten times more uncomfortable. And I would be remiss if I didn't mention that we double-dated with a friend whose boyfriend showed up wearing a cape. A cape. He looked like Dracula, I swear it, and put my own date's powder-blue tux to shame, as if it could be put further to shame. Dracula didn't last long in that relationship, and in an odd but true twist of events which I think are completely related, his date (my friend) is now a lesbian.

    It's comforting to know how many other prom stories involve the word "suck."

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    1. So was he goth or did he think he was Superman? And I think I lucked out by not going with this girl. It's obvious (now) she was into me, but I agreed to go with her initially since she made a sob story out of not getting to attend her own senior prom.

      Ultimately, I didn't have to spend the night fending off her unwanted advanced. And by that I don't mean the hormonal kind. I mean the incessant asking of "so when are we getting married?"

      Delete
  26. My prom story wasn't that great either. I was tired of high school by that time.
    And I was a good student. I cut class once during the whole four years and got caught. My best friend's excuse was, 'I was with her. . .'

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    1. I was tired of high school about the second day in. As for prom, it was of course lame. I think all proms are made out to be way cooler than they really are - a glorified school dance with just a bit more money put into it.

      Delete
  27. Sisqo? LOL! I haven't heard that name since… well, high school! I graduated in '99 so that was right around that time...

    I do have to admit there's some funny stuff in here. And I'm LDS (Mormon), so that says a lot if I can laugh. :) I'm DYING with the Mitt Romney picture on the wall (As if we all have a picture of him on our walls! *shifty eyes*) I find it fascinating how people perceive our religion. Though I know you're doing this all in good humor, I hope that when people read this, they know that the girl's actions are crazy because she's probably crazy, and not because of her religion. I promise most of us are normal, cool people, LOL…

    And will you guys do a post on this new fad with women body building saying it's the new skinny? (The body building date made me think of this) I won't lie that working out and looking good is important to me, but I have so many girl friends who are obsessed--to the point where they're almost manly. It makes me wonder if guys find that attractive! Or maybe you've already done a post on this…

    :)

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    1. I'm sure Sisqo will just be happy to hear that someone mentioned him in the last 15 years.

      We're glad that you can laugh at this. I mean, if you can't laugh at yourself, what's the point, right? If it's any consolation, that Catholic Guilt(TM) is a very real thing that still haunts the both of us. We first met in Catholic school when we were about 5-6, and to this very day neither of us can take a pee or look at a woman's bare ankle without feeling Satan coursing through our weary bones.

      Oh, and what's this about body building for women being a thing now? Is that a thing? I thought yoga was still the big 'it' thing. Or Zumba I guess. So now women want to look all manly and buff? What's the etiquette on who opens tricky pickle jars in the relationship when that happens?

      Delete
  28. I had a friend in college who was "about 25% Mormon" did a lot of crazy shit, and felt guilty about it afterwards. But we had a good time and walked home if we were shit-crazy drunk. We're responsible like that. Call in sick to work the next day, but we did NOT get in our cars. Good thing there were bars close to the dorms...do they do that on purpose do you think?
    LOVED the chemistry joke. This nerd got it before the hilarious bit about Big Bang Theory, to which I am totally addicted.
    This was a great story, and I can't wait to read part 2. I'll take anything from you guys, because you somehow make it funny, but your high school days (frosted tips? Oh gawd, I TAUGHT kids with frosted tips back in the day...you're SO young. Enjoy it!) are a special treat.
    By the way, don't know if you noticed, but I put your ad for your 99 cent book in my Wednesday post last week, and on that particular day, I got blitzed. No, not that kind of blitzed, I had too much A-Z stuff to do, but BLITZED by the Blog Blitz gang. Heard of it? DL Hammons started it and there's a picture in my sidebar you can click on to learn more about it, but basically, the team descends upon an unsuspecting person and just rains comments and love on them for a day. Tripled my hits. And perfect timing. I got noticed, my guest poster got noticed and as one commenter mentioned how great this was for "those funny beer guys." So that HUGE spike in Wednesday sales was from me. You're welcome.
    Tina @ Life is Good
    A to Z Team @ Blogging From A to Z April Challenge 2014

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    1. We did have some pretty strong sales on Wednesday, and we noticed the ad, but we did NOT see that you got blitzed that day (we read early). So thank you! We owe you one.

      You think those frosted tips look good? You should have seen me with a bowl cut in middle school. Or a mullet in kindergarten. My life has practically revolved around the awesomeness of my hair.

      Delete
    2. I had the ever popular Farrah Fawcett feathered hair through most of jr. high and high school. I wonder what I could have accomplished if I hadn't spent an hour on my hair everyday...sigh. Misspent youth...
      I'd love to see pictures (or cartoons...) of those iconic styles...
      Tina @ Life is Good
      A to Z Team @ Blogging From A to Z April Challenge 2014

      Delete
  29. Now that's funny. I grew up in a Mormon household and even went to primary school. Thankfully I got out of that just as soon as I could. lol

    ReplyDelete
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    1. They didn't try to pawn you off on a football team-sized amount of Mormon guys, did they?

      Delete
  30. This post came up just moments after I shut down my laptop for the night and of course the ipad wont post the incredibly witty comment that would have been second on the list.

    Anyways, I am sure we have all dated people we have chosen to forget. Although with a bit of effort this one could have been a real keeper.

    I am sure what i wrote last night was much more clever, but hey, such is life
    love you guys xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So we'll just stand in awe of the wit that could have been. And we both have a few stories of those we dated who we choose to forget, but this one was just funny since we never even dated. Imagine what I'd have to write about if we had.

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  31. I KNEW there was a good reason NOT to go to the prom (outside of, like, being too shy to ask for a date and too goofy to get one if I had)! Now I see there were several!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There were many, actually. Let's not forget that prom itself was pretty lame. Like the fanciest middle school dance you ever attended. And who doesn't love seeing their teachers in a social setting, after seeing them every day and being scolded by them?

      Delete
  32. My friend went on a date with a Mormon girl. She didn't tell him and didn't tell him it was a group date dance type thing too. No fun! He got out of there fast lol.

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    1. I got bombarded and invited to one of those things unintentionally. Only when I was there did I realize it was a huge Mormon group dance. They didn't offer rock music because it inspired bad thoughts, and all dances had to leave 18 inches between people so Jesus could be in between you.

      I've never left a building so fast in my life.

      Delete
  33. At least you would never be wanting for a date. She could still be sitting waiting for you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some say she's still standing by the door, in her tattered prom dress, waiting for her date to pick her up...

      Delete
  34. Wowza! I guess it's prom season soon again, eh? My coworker is trying to force her quiet son to take a girl...oh, the high school drama

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, either way it's going to end in a broken condom or a therapist. Maybe both. No one wins.

      Delete
  35. More than likely, she never asked anyone else to that dance. She just gave you that speech to please her parents, but figured you understood that you were her one and only choice for a prom date. You know, like girls do. And with those frosted tips, how could she stand a chance?

    As a lifelong Mormon girl, and a student of psychology, I am intrigued by the behavior of what's-her-face. No, I would never act the way she did, but I have a few possible insights. I will not bore you with my theories here, but this seems like a pretty interesting case...

    I have encountered the type of "Mormon girl" that you seem to have run afoul of. I was never quite able to pinpoint the root of Beth's behavior, maybe she was just a whackadoodle...

    At least you escaped going on an actual date with Cheryl, or She-Ra, or whatever her name was, it could have been so much worse...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was her one and only? You make it sound so romantic. Me, her skinny, frosted-haired warrior, and I never rode in to rescue her on my white steed (my old 95 Taurus).

      So wait, you're Mormon? But you seem so normal. You mean to tell me that Mormon people are just like everyone else? That's crazy talk.

      To feed your inner psychologist, the girl was very much mousy and a bit spineless. I know she was just doing what her mother was saying because, well, her mother said it. But I thought things were pretty finalized when I said I didn't want to be in that kind of situation and we stopped talking altogether.

      And yes, I'm glad I escaped that date, because had I gone on it, her mother would have already been planning the shotgun wedding - and the conversion - the moment I brought her dear daughter home.

      Delete
  36. I had a one night stand that wouldn't leave. Being young, drunk and extremely absent from sex I nailed a heavy. It was like feeding the birds at the park, they just keep swooping back in every few minutes. I moved away and went back about a year later and saw her in a bar carrying a baby. I about choked. So being polite as I am I walked right up and asked her whose kid it was. She said, "Mine". I peed my pants a little and she smiled (like she knew) and said, "don't worry it's not yours:!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You took this guy home?

      The Heavy

      Man, you're a beast. You must be quite the power bottom.

      Delete
  37. No one makes me bleed my own blood!

    Those fundamentalists types are... I have no words. There was this Pentecostal girl...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have my own Pentecostal girl story. For a 'date' she dragged me to her church.

      I'll tell if you tell.

      Delete
    2. Oh, you talked about that before. I'd forgotten.
      Mine's more involved than that.

      Delete
  38. Wow...Not the Mormon girl, though she and her family are a special kind of nutso, but because of Bryan's frosted tips. Sorry, I'm only lashing out because I, sirs, am "that assclown Sisqo"! That's right, I am articulate, erudite, and STILL extol the virtues of that thong-th-thong-thong-thong. Live by the thong, sniff by the thong, I always say. Though I don't fully understand the meaning of my own life credo, I am comforted by sleeping in a thong-hammock buoyed by pillars of money cemented using the vaginal secretions induced by sexism. I hope in part 2 that you explore how you were truly inspired by and achieved the summit of that thong-th-thong-thong-thong. Goodnight and good thong to y'all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I knew there was always something off about you. Mr. Sisqo, I have so many questions for you. 1) After platinum-ing your head for so long, is your scalp just permanently white now? 2) Was this song/music video just an attempt to justify and glorify your unnatural desire to sniff women's underwear? 3) What was it like when you sold your soul to the devil to achieve that level of one-hit-wonder fame that most of us can only dream of?

      Delete
  39. This makes me glad that I never had a prom to go to. I only had a few middle school dances that I went to with friends. Those friends did happen to turn out to be less than sane or less than friends, but at least I didn't have a psycho to deal with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To anyone who's never gone to prom, I always say the same thing: it's really not that great, and you missed nothing. Movies glorify the hell out of it, but it's just like those same middle school dances you attended, only a little bit more money was dumped into it.

      Delete
  40. OK, you totally have to email me a photo of the frosted tips. Like now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I do that (this weekend, my parents have the damn pictures framed on their wall) you owe me big, you know that?

      Delete
  41. Are you sure she isn't waiting for you at the alter somewhere? It's quite possible you made yourself so irresistible being someone she can't have that she turned against her family and is now on a quest for you. Be weary of an odd knock on the door.

    You know nothing about fun hair-do's. I'm an 80's child. We helped put a hole in the ozone layer with all of our aerosol hairspray.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think my cool 80s mullet might have something to say about that. Or maybe my 90s bowlcut. See, I had 3 full generations of awful hair.

      You know, I actually hadn't thought of that, and it honestly makes sense. Even though I was mild mannered computer dork Bryan, suddenly I was the "bad boy" she couldn't have and that made her want me more. Why do some women's minds work like that?

      Look at me, I'm like the James Dean of fallen Catholicism.

      Delete
    2. Wait, a thought is forming…wait for it…not James Dean…GOT IT!! You two could be like Danny and Sandy in Grease. You like those big hairdos, and well, I'm sure you're comfy with some leather pants, but what about singing. Meh, it's okay, I'm sure with her church background, she's got a set of lungs on her. I can see it now. You two getting married at the school fair while belting out, "We go together!!". Brandon can even drive Greased Lightening. (Doesn't it fly at the end?)

      Okay way off course. Now I feel like I need to watch it again.

      I still have you beat with hair: I went through the Dorothy Hammel cut. (was mistaken for a boy even with earrings!), had a perm, big bangs, another perm and then bigger bangs! All in like five years.

      Don't ask me about women's minds - look where mine just went!

      Delete
  42. I had an insightful comment to type here, but it took so long to scroll to the bottom of the comments that i have forgotten it.

    I broke up with a girl and stopped communicating with her once only to have her call me months later to break up. It's a little creepy. Especially when there's something good on television I'm trying to watch when the other person is breaking up.

    (OK, that story isn't true. I was just trying to pump up my ego by acting as though I've ever been the party to break up in a relationship...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think being the one who breaks up makes things any easier or better. So much stress. What if she doesn't accept it? What if she stabs me in the liver? Wouldn't it be easier if I just packed all of my things, changed my phone number, and moved to Alaska?

      Delete
  43. I think a Bryan and Brandon-type high school memoir must be forth coming. Can't wait for the next installment of this. Hilarious! I especially like the pic of Mitt on the crazy Mormon's wall. Ha. Brilliant touch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trust me, of the 30 years we've each been on this planet, our high school years are probably the least interesting. You want a memoir? Let's talk college.

      Delete
  44. Ah, high school. What fun. Well, parts were. Dating was excruciating. I was horrible at it and will never do it again. I got ditched by my junior prom date. Got into an argument with him in a parking lot and was given the bitch get in the truck and shut up ultimatum. I opted to walk. Even his profuse apologies couldn't rid me of the sudden case of highly contagious malaria that made it necessary for me to rush home.

    I married my senior prom date, so I remember his name ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, high school love that lasted. That's awesome. You never see that. And I have my own awful prom story, so, uh, stay tuned...

      Delete
  45. You guys are too funny. Then again, high school memories always have some humorous twist to them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't take high school seriously, and look where I am now. D-list Internet celebrity. So take THAT, world!

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  46. Replies
    1. It's not painfully obvious that we're products of the flawed cowtown school system with no budget whatsoever?

      Delete
  47. 20 points for the dad having a striking resemblance to my ole pal Mitt. 25 points for the dodgeball reference. 90 trillion points for calling out the Big Bang Theory.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "The Big Bang Theory is the smartest show on television in decades!" - a guy with a double digit IQ who has a middle school level understanding of science and mathematics.

      Delete
  48. From Bryan's highlights to Brandon's stylish swimming apparel, you really knocked this one out of the ballpark. I also enjoyed the fine details of the Mormon family household, as well as Brandon's date with a handsome woman! I can't wait for part 2!

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. I've never been to a Mormon household, but I think a shrine to Mitt Romney overrun with screaming children isn't that far off from reality. And yes, I think they were praising him way before the presidential run.

      Delete
  49. Poor weird Mormon girl. I'm sure she's happily settled down now with her husbands.

    I'm definitely going to work that chemistry chat-up line in somewhere. By the time Part 2 is up, I'm going to be shooing away a line of men as I try to read it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dang, watch out, someone else is gonna have a harem of husbands if she's not careful with this newfound power...

      Delete
  50. Brian should have been on the student council. It's full of girls! Duh... ;)

    Hilarious post and so validating for me. I finally feel privileged to be an asexual atheist.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. An asexual atheist? So you don't believe in having sex?

      Delete
    2. A sexual atheist doesn't believe in having sex, but an asexual atheist doesn't believe in not having sex. Just saying, fellas. ;)

      Delete
    3. Further proof that two wrongs always make a right, in the sexiest way possible.

      Delete
  51. Going to the prom with all of them.... That's funny. Now I'm wondering if I was ever somebody's Z plan... And Brandon, I'm shocked to hear you were an undecisive little whore! Don't you know being decisive is important? ;) How's life, fellas?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Life's a lot better than it was in high school, that's for damn sure. Even reliving it over a beer is cringe-inducing. How's life for you?

      Delete
    2. Well, much better than half a year ago when I was nearly blind at my show, so I'm not complaining. I rant a lot, yeah, but I'm not complaining. I don't remember high school. (I keep saying it to myself: I don't remember high school.)

      Delete
  52. er, Brandon looks rather...MATURE in the swim team picture. Maybe *that* was the problem with the ladies?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You mean hairy? Brandon's always had his wonderful "hair sweater," and trust me, no one ever lets him forget about it.

      Delete
    2. Why, yes -- that IS what I meant! (Was trying to be polite.)

      Delete
  53. I love the fact that you called out Big Bang Theory - I have to admit, I was drawn in by the flashy lights but now see it for the degrading stuff it is.

    And Mormons...we don't really have them here though I saw a Youtube ad for them the other day. Confusion was me.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Great blog. Just sent the link to my hubby, because he'll love it, too. Might send the link to his aunt also, because she'll hate it, probably drop her jaw so fast she'll lose her teeth. :-) I just hopped onto your blog and joined as follower, because I saw your post at Robin's. So funny!
    Deb@ http://debioneille.blogspot.com

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