Monday, March 10, 2014

Crack to the Future

Brandon's fiancee bought her first house a few summers ago, and ever since Brandon's moved in he's noticed that they get an awful lot of strangers coming to the door. Strangers looking for one particular thing.





At first, Brandon wondered if maybe he was surrounded by too many damned churches, because everyone was asking for Jesus. But eventually Brandon realized that this Jesus of which his unexpected visitors spoke was the previous homeowner. And that he had died. In Brandon's basement.


From a massive drug overdose.


His OWN drugs, mind you, because Jesus was a drug dealer. The neighborhood drug dealer, actually, and his product was so good that it killed him. Or bad. But I guess that depends on your views concerning crack.

Yes, that's right, Jesus dealt some grade-A crack rock, and because of it his old compadres still come by, seeking the best fix in town... three years later. Apparently they haven't heard the news that ol' Jesus kicked the bucket. Or maybe they just don't understand that when you're dead, you can no longer sell crack.

Either way, as if regularly getting paid a visit by cracked out junkies looking for another fix isn't bad enough, let's just say that when they do stop by, it's not during your standard 8-5 business hours.







What's best about this is that even though a dorky white guy answers the door, they still seem pretty confident that ol' Jesus is running around in there, brewing up another batch of crack.*

*or however the fuck that shit gets made. Don't look at us for those kinds of answers.

In fact, Bryan's even had the pleasure of encountering one of these strung-out "kids, don't ever turn out like this" poster children while walking up to Brandon's front door.








And so, even though it's a pretty decent neighborhood and not a lot goes on, sometimes, on a quiet night, Brandon will get visited by an angry junkie looking for a fix. All because they got a great deal on some crack 5 years ago from their favorite drug dealer Jesus, whose drugs were so good (or bad?) they killed him.

Needless to say, it's made Brandon pretty hesitant to answer the door for anyone.











Though, in all fairness, I suppose that's really no different from how Brandon usually treats door-to-door Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons.

Anyone else live in a place that used to belong to someone of ill repute?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

-B&B

Beer: Nitro Vanilla Porter
Music: Stone Roses




110 comments:

  1. That was laugh-out-loud hilarious! Yeah, I'd pull a gun on both.
    You should ask them if they are looking for butt crack.

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    1. "As a matter of fact, there's a sweet old woman hanging out by the window who'll give up that butt crack for cheap!"

      Delete
  2. Hopefully she got a good deal on the house. It's hard to clean up dead junkie...I've heard. Surprised no one has tried breaking in. Keep a paintball gun handy, not an actual gun, because as I said, it's hard to clean up dead junkie...allegedly.

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    1. Well, they cleaned up dead junkie once. I imagine it can be done again. *shotgun cocking*

      Delete
  3. Oh, Lord...the best stories are often the true ones that you can't make up. Brandon's fiancée needs to put up a sign stating that Jesus will not be found anytime soon. Unless his former customers prove to be illiterate, this tactic should help to stave them.

    The neighborhood where I live in Miami is not far from the reputed "Cocaine Alley" back in the '80s. Drive a few streets down and you'll be greeted by a series of beautiful and HUGE houses that had previously been occupied by drug lords.

    Although the area is quite calm now, it seems like someone has been trying to revive the Cocaine Alley vibe around my neck of the woods. Just on my street, there's a young couple in their early twenties who bought a house worth about $200,000. Nothing too suspicious, right?

    However, they also possess expensive cars (think Porsche and Ferrari) AND have a large boat parked in their front yard. Still, they could just be a really hard-working couple who knew how to invest their money wisely and have thus decided to spend it on a few creature comforts.

    But let's not forget that their house is visited frequently by a whole series of characters, and at different hours of the day.

    So, hmmm...

    -Barb

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    1. First off, Brandon DID put up a sign on his door stating that Jesus is no longer here. Written in Spanish. But I'll be damned if crackheads aren't really the reading type.

      Also, bad luck Bryan here, what you described was my millionaire brother-in-law to a T. Rich young guy in his mid 20s when he moved here, tons of Lambos, looked like a grungy homeless person, had people visiting at all hours (his coworkers, also weird people). Why? Had his own successful Internet business, which is why he didn't need to look cleaned up and could work whenever he wanted.

      Now you see why people think we're drug dealers for being associated with him.

      Delete
  4. My personal favorite: <<<---- "I think you'll have to pay me a lot more than $20 before I let you do that." Hahahahaha. I am still laughing.

    Seriously. Wow. Three years later and there are regular visits. He must have sold some awesome crack. Or he was so high he just gave it away. That is an excellent way to make friends and influence people.

    Just think. Jesus is three years gone and people still remember his name. We all hope for that sort of thing.... of course, most of us don't want it remembered in association with crack. But still...

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    1. It's kind of depressing to think that if *I* died right now, people wouldn't still be looking for me three years later. Maybe this is a wake up call that I need to do something more meaningful with my life. Like sell crack. And then overdose on it.

      Delete
  5. "Anyone else live in a place that used to belong to someone of ill repute?"

    Ah, yes. Back in the day we were those people of ill repute. But, that was long ago, in a state far far away.

    Do junkies respond to No Soliciting signs. No wait, that won't work. What about No Trespassing? Screw it. I say the gun approach is the best way to handle them. Eventually, they will learn. Maybe.

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    1. There's a sign on the door in Spanish that says the equivalent of, "Jesus is no longer here, go away." Even that doesn't work. The problem, of course, was assuming that crackheads can read. Or want to.

      "I don't want words, I want more crack!" - people we will never sell books to

      Delete
  6. Well, in all fairness, 5 years is like 2 seconds when you're on crack, so it's understandable that these addicts would think Jesus still lived there.

    Would it be ill-advised to put a sign out front of your house, like "Jesus is dead"?

    I lived in a neighborhood where the Jehovah's Witnesses looked like Matrix assassins. They would creep toward the door carrying a suitcase and wearing a trench-coat, fedora, and round sunglasses. Scared the hell out of me when I was young and home alone.

    Otherwise, the neighbor across the hall got evicted a while back for tripping on LSD and tearing up the toilet in his apartment... with his bare hands. Remind me to to take (drink?) some LSD next time I need a tree uprooted.

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    1. If someone came to my door in a trench-coat, fedora, and round sunglasses, I wouldn't even bother bringing my shotgun to the door. I figure that would just lead to me opening the door and getting shot 1,000 times in super cool, dramatic slow-mo.

      Delete
  7. I've had neighbors who were drug dealers. It can be a pain in the butt for the entire neighborhood. It's generally all fun and games for the dealers and junkies until the Feds show up. once we even had a shoot out next door. This was in CO also.

    I have lived in more than one place where the former owner refuses to leave and still 'haunts' the place, although they have never been as exciting as the drug dealing neighbors.

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    1. Well, thankfully Jesus hasn't had any desire to haunt the former residence, so that's a plus. I can only assume he's resting comfortably in junkie heaven, where the crack flows like water and syphilitic insanity doesn't exist.*

      *not likely

      Delete
  8. "Or maybe they just don't understand that when you're dead, you can no longer sell crack."

    Well that's fucked up my retirement plans!

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    1. The goal is to sell as much as you can for the highest amount of return prior to your death, so you can capitalize on your investment. You can trust me, I'm a financial advisor.*

      *crack dealer

      Delete
  9. hahaha all the crack heads can remember is their habit, Jesus was the man is reserved in what little brain cells they have left.I hope Brandon has a big gun for real to scare them off, who knows what strung out crack heads will do. I got offered $40 to let a 70 year old man suck me off haha maybe he factored in the exchange rate?

    Has Brandon searched that house top to bottom? Could be money hidden in the floor boards.

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    1. Brandon has many big guns, but the bad thing about crackheads is they don't stop charging even after you shoot them. Or so I've heard.

      Also, what do you mean exchange rate? They have dollars in Canada? I thought you guys just traded beaver pelts and maple syrup.

      Delete
  10. There are just a litany of bad puns that come to mind. Really "Hey Zues" was a drug Lord, so actually Brandon is living in a temple of sorts. (of course, it occurs to me that a lot of people won't get that Jesus is pronounced heyzeus so a bad pun becomes a stupid bad pun)

    I don't really know how crack is made but because I live near Missouri, I do know that it is meth that rots teeth out so perhaps "Hey Zues" was a multi-product dealer. The cartoon person that is needing a fix and/or $20 would blend in here.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. We need to hire you as a joke writing intern. That second sentence alone is pure gold. So, the pay is minimal (zero), the hours are long, and the reward is almost nothing. I can assure you we'll just stamp our names on the jokes and shamelessly steal your credit.

      When can you start?

      Delete
  11. Haha. This is hilarious. "ask it will be given to you and knock and door shall be opened for us".
    I have no doubt Jesus lived there. And now lives there Adolf Brandon :)
    Sorry when it comes to religion I am pretty offensive.
    Poor Brandon. Maybe it is a sign from god asking him to change lanes and break bad"

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    1. Maybe this is a sign from above that we need to write the next Breaking Bad. It'll be called Breaking Brandon, and instead of meth it'll be crack. I can even be the Jesse to his Walter White... bitch!

      TV greatness, here we come!

      Delete
  12. Can't say I've ever had crack dealers come to my house because, frankly, I haven't. I have had Witnesses though. I once had a chat with one that lasted a good 10 minutes about Jesus. I think I might have ended up on a list. The way I see it, there's only one way out of this; you have to find his old tools and start making crack.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Do you use tools to make crack? What kind of tools? I have a hammer, a screw driver, and a ratchet set, and I don't know how any of those could turn something into crack.

      Man, I'm really bad at this drug dealer stuff. I've just started and already I seem to have failed.

      Delete
  13. >>... Anyone else live in a place that used to belong to someone of ill repute?

    "Used to"?
    This place STILL belongs to me.
    ...But I've cleaned up my act.

    Great title for this blog bit!

    Seeing that picture of Brandon brandishing da bazooka, my first thought was of that line the kidnapper says to Dirty Larry: "That's a big gun, man." ('Sneakin' In The Movies' segment from the movie 'Hollywood Shuffle'.)

    Yo, 6-B, I have one for you to check out: Have you tried Deschutes Brewery's 'INVERSION IPA'? It's like a high-octane version of their 'Mirror Pond'. I'd had it a few times in the past and thought it was good but not particularly notable. Maybe I had been experimenting with too many different brands and styles at that time. But this time I was rather impressed. It has that 'Mirror Pond' flavor but it's considerably stronger.

    Sierra Nevada's high-octane alternative to their Pale Ale is their Torpedo Extra IPA, which Nappy likes but I find to have a kind of "harshness" that I don't care for. Deschutes' power-puncher, however, is smoother and more closely resembles that distinctive flavor of their 'Mirror Pond'. It even smells a bit like 'Mirror Pond', although it's certainly not a "session" beer. Anyway, I think you might like it.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. HA! I just now noticed the framed picture of a taco on Brandon's wall. I fear he is sending mixed signals to those who most frequently come to his door.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    2. Do crackheads get the Mexican munchies? I thought that was just potheads.

      Also, dammit McCarthy, quit cluttering up this comment section with talk of delicious craft beer. We're here to talk about crack and pulling guns on Mormons. Stop low-browing our comments!

      Okay, so I haven't tried the Deschutes IPA. Nor I have tried Sierra Nevada's Torpedo or their Hoptimum. Maybe one of these days I'll have to buy a few singles and set down and have a hop overload day. Just pray I don't meet the same fate as dear drug dealing Jesus, assuming it's possible to OD on hops.

      Delete
    3. Torpedo is a little harsh out of the bottle. But it loses some of that in a pint glass. Much better that way.

      Delete
  14. Next time a mormon shows up to your door ask him if he's gay for Jesus. Then watch him uncomfortably handle his homophobia without insulting Jesus at the same time.

    "I didn't vote for Mitt Romney, what chance do you have?" and "I believe in our lord and savior, Thor God of Thunder" can also work.

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    1. I bet if you answered the door wearing a disheveled blonde pigtail wig, holding a big plastic Mjollnir hammer, and said, "I'm sorry, we believe in Zeus in this household," they'd just put you on a special list that entitles you to never be visited again.

      Delete
    2. Though I am not religious I have tried roaming like a walking traffic light - Indian dot head style and didnt help. It's a common sight in India, a panhandler in lord shiva's costume - tiger skin, dreadlocks, and moustache and ash shall be approached by preacher with bible in hand.
      Nothing helps I tell yeah :(

      Delete
  15. Nope but I did work next to a brothel and the pimp used to feed his girls in the restaurant I worked in?

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  16. This is hilarious! Can honestly say I haven't lived in a place where I would get visitors like that. Worst I had was having an eerily similar phone number to the car insurance company's (yes, we only have one) claim number. So we'd get calls day and night from people that were just in a wreck wanting to get their claim started. Annoying, but really not the same!

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    1. At a certain point I would just start taking those calls, and saying things like, "You know you could have saved 15% or more if you switched to Geico, right?" or, "I'm sorry, but we don't actually reimburse car accidents. The best we can offer you is $5 and a Werther's that fell in my couch cushion. Man, you should have read your fine print."

      Delete
  17. Donde esta hesus? Hesus no es aqui. Maybe you could make a sign. "Jesus doesn't live here". But then Satan might take that as an invitation and move in, and he has lousy manners, always putting his cloven hooves on the coffee table, eating souls in bed with crackers, watching Kardashians at all hours of the day... nevermind, that's a terrible idea.

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    1. I can only imagine the hilarious repercussions of that. "Jesus doesn't live here."

      Naively optimistic Mormon: "Oh man, this guy REALLY needs my help, then!"

      Delete
  18. I once rented a house in a community of thieves. Really, they stole everything that wasn't nailed down - my shovel, for example. Later, my lawn mower and eventually one of my cars. I did get the car back. We found it in a field not far away from house. Apparently they had taken it out there and rode around until they got stuck. I assume it was a different thief who stole the shovel, else they could have used it to get the car out.

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    1. Ha! That one earned a genuine LOL. I bet that thief would be in five-finger-heaven over in my (Bryan's) neck of the suburban woods. Around here, kids leave their brand new, expensive bikes out on the sidewalk overnight. People leave out all kinds of lawn tools and lawn furniture just hanging out in their front yard because they don't feel like putting it back inside overnight.

      That guy should move here. It's a win-win situation if you think about it. He gets more than he can carry, and my neighbors get the valuable wake-up call that you can't just leave stuff all over the sidewalk because you think rich white people are immune to theft. Everybody wins, I guess?

      Delete
    2. Yep. :)
      Next time I'm through there I'll stick up a sign saying something like:
      NOTICE - THIEVES!
      Move to Denver! There is stuff on the sidewalks just waiting to be picked up!

      Delete
  19. Bryan has an eerily earnest expression while dishing the sarcasm to a Lady of the (Crack of) the Evening.

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    1. I'm usually pretty calm in weird situations, even when dealing with people like Lady Crackwhore. Also, some liberties may have been taken with that particular joke, as I'm pretty sure all I asked her was "What the fuck are you looking at?" at which point she scattered like a mouse over a thrown light switch. Apparently all crackheads need to be thwarted is slightly aggressive acknowledgement.

      Delete
  20. I always suspected Jesus wasn't as straight laced as they say. It's the Jewish ones who walk on water you gotta look out for. I'm thinking Brandon should put a sign out front: "Jesus died in this basement," "His crack was too much for him," but that might attract a whole other slew of unwanted guests seeking communion and holy blood and twisted necrophilia fixes and stuff. So nix that idea.

    Good thing about Brandon and his fiancee's home: it makes for a hysterical blog post. Thanks, guys. You scored again.

    xoRobyn

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    1. That is hysterically and blasphemously wonderful. I love it.

      "Jesus turned water into crack, but it's not magic, it's just some backyard science that once blew up said backyard."

      "Jesus has not risen, because have you SEEN the shit he took? That stuff would take down an elephant."

      Delete
    2. Touche! I was thinking of a joke about Jesus not rising, but it didn't come to me. Score again for the beer guys.

      Delete
  21. Tough break! Those people will come around forever. You should get a fake police badge. When they ask for Jesus, flash the badge and say, "I can take you to him." :)

    When I lived in an apartment, I had a phone number that belonged to a parole. An attorney from NY would leave a message saying that I have broken parole, and if I don't contact her immediately, I will be arrested.

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    1. Maybe it's just because I'm a special kind of asshole, but I would have picked up that call and said, "Fuck you, I'm in Mexico right now. You want to arrest me? Come and get me. And bring LOTS of guns. I'm not going down easy."

      Delete
  22. My first thought about this as I read was "They didn't disclose the prior crack dealing? There's got to be some way you can sue about that."

    But in all honesty, "There's got to be some way you can sue about that" is my first response to almost everything.

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    1. I can imagine the real estate agent. "Okay, full disclosure guys. This was a crack house and the former resident died choking on his own vomit in the basement. BUT... have you SEEN the basement? Game room, anyone?"

      Delete
  23. My first house was in South Jersey (a couple of miles outside of scenic Camden), and after a couple of years the house next door to me was rented as a HUD property. And after a couple of months, I noticed that cars would come and go at all hours, not staying for very long.

    Which led me to believe that the woman who lived there was selling something where the transaction could be completed rather quickly.

    Sad, too-the neighborhood was a nice entry-level neighborhood when I moved in, and when I tried to sell the house, I had to write a check to the bank (sold it for less than I owed).

    As for the door-to-door church salesmen? They swarm like bees in Airheadzona. I found that a "no soliciting" sign from the local Ace store seems to do the trick.

    LC

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    1. To this day, Brandon still believes that my next door neighbor-woman is a prostitute. And after seeing A) her never leave the house for an actual job and B) random guys/cars coming at all times of day and night, I think he may be right.

      Also, if you want to avoid door-to-door church salesmen, just move to suburbia. I've never had a single one knock on my door. Apparently they know that the rich white man already bought his salvation.

      Delete
  24. I would MUCH prefer a visit from crackheads over Jehovah's witnesses. At least you can scare a druggie away! It's easier to get rid of internal parasites than JWs. Never give them your name! There's a supersecret file and it will never come out.

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    1. Well, apparently there's a supersecret crackhead file somewhere, pinpointing Brandon's house as the ultimate Qwickie-Mart of crack, which I'm pretty sure is just as bad as the JW files.

      Delete
  25. It seems to me that Brandon and his fiancée are ignoring an excellent business opportunity here. All they have to do is mix up a bag of powdered sugar with a bit of talcum powder and they could charge good money for it. They could tell their "customers" that it's a whole new kind of crack, undetectable in all types of drug tests. It would be like a placebo, so the crack heads would never know the difference until they unwittingly got clean. Then they'll stop coming by because once they aren't messed up on drugs anymore, they'll see the Gringo open the door, know that Jesus is gone, and never come back. See? I just solved the problem. You're welcome.

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    1. So... should we be concerned with how easily you can throw out a recipe for fake-looking crack? What kind of ratio of powdered sugar to talcum powder are we talking about, anyway? And what kind of switchblade should I carry on me in case things go bad? It needs to unlatch fast enough to come to my aide in a pinch, but also needs to be strong enough to take down a very angry crackhead.

      Delete
    2. I think the guns you seem to have lying around (according to your illustrations, that is) will protect you well enough if things go badly. I don't have a specific recipe for fake crack, any white powder should do the trick, shouldn't it?

      Delete
    3. I'm not sure. I've never had to trick a crackhead. Though, in all fairness, you can probably even do that without the crack, right?

      Junkie, tweaked out of his mind: Yo, man, you got any crack?
      Brandon: "Hey, you still owe me from LAST month's supply, mothafucka."
      Junkie: ...I do?
      Brandon: "Yep, so pay up."

      Brandon walks away with an extra $20 without ever having had to make a thing.

      Delete
  26. Oh my dearest Beer Boys, I have finally learned.
    1) No beverages while reading your blog.
    2) No reading your blog while eating
    3) Just best to sit cross-legged unless wearing Depends

    I made it through an absolutely spot-on hysterical post without choking, almost dying, having to clean my screen and keyboard, nor did I wet my pants. In all fairness, I have yet to wet my pants while reading your blog, but I've done all those others.

    This so TOTALLY cracked (get it?) me up on so many levels. We live in a smallish town, not the suburbs, and we get religious solicitors all the time. I just tell them all that I'm already a Christian (which is true, even though yes, I do use foul language. I'm not perfect, just forgiven) and their time is better spent at someone else's door. This doesn't make them go away, so I just go back inside and shut the door. They usually leave a brochure or some other gift for me since apparently I need to be *their* kind of Christian. Buuut, if you wanted me to talk about God you probably would ask so I'll shut up about that now and get to the post...
    Your cartoons this week were, in my opinion, especially hysterically good. The whole thing is good, as always, but the idea of Jesus dying in your basement just makes for so many possible jokes...and you did SO well with that potential.
    As to our house, nothing bad has ever happened here, well, the totally, ridiculously bad "finishing" of the basement, the parts of the basement that were partially finished, and then of course the crap we, ourselves, have piled down there because well we can, and we're pack rats.
    I do have a phone number story, though. We had our landline number for 23 years before it became The Engineer's cell phone number. It's one of those perfect phone numbers where you say, "Are you KIDDING ME? I won the coolest phone number lottery?" Everyone can memorize it. It got to the point that friends would call me and say, "Hey, I'm trying to reach Other Friend, but I can only remember your number, so would you mind looking it up?" I became the phone book. Not a problem. I have this thing with numbers...I knew all those numbers by heart so reciting them wasn't really an effort.
    The one annoying thing about that number though is that no one ever forgets it either. After 23 years, people are still calling for the Petersens. They must have been really popular...
    Tina @ Life is Good
    A to Z Team @ Blogging From A to Z April Challenge 2014

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    1. You can talk to us about Depends, being a foul mouthed Christian, and God any time you want. Bonus points if you can fit all three into the same sentence.

      We (the wife and I, not Brandon and I) made the mistake of getting a landline a while back. Apparently they like recycling phone numbers, and they gave us the phone number of a complete deadbeat who bought a ton of shit and skipped town. So we got calls day and night from angry collection agents who absolutely refused to believe that I was not this chick, who, mind you, managed to get a brand new smartphone, a brand new computer, a new washer/dryer, and a new Cadillac Escalade, all that she didn't pay for. And trust me, when you tell a collection agent "I don't know who that is, they don't live here," they really don't give a shit or believe you. So finally we just said fuck it and canceled the line. What's the point in having a home phone if none of the calls are ever for us...?

      Delete
    2. And the beautiful thing (for me anyway...) was that by the time we gave up on the landline, the only people who still called it were, by percentage, 99% solicitors, though no collection agents - I think I might have had fun with that - and people who didn't know me well enough to know I'd had a cell phone for 12 years and I didn't answer the landline. The Engineer had to deal with all that...as a punishment for refusing to give up the landline when cell phones became the new pair of shoes...
      ~Tina

      Delete
  27. If this has been said, I apologize for rudely scrolling through all the comments and replies, but- seriously, have you had the house checked? Y'know, make sure that there isn't some leftover residue in the walls, etc., that could make you sick? Because if there is, it might be drawing the old customers back. I understand there's a new paint that contains Arm & Hammer to absorb odors.

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    1. The closest comment was someone who implied that maybe drug money might be hidden in the walls, but crack residue was not something either of us had thought of. Come to think of it, I often sneeze when I'm over there. Could it be that I'm allergic to crack? Is that a thing?

      Delete
    2. I don't know about allergies, but I do know that meth houses pretty much have to be torn down because the leftovers in the walls, etc, can poison you. I don't know if crack works the same or not.

      Delete
  28. When we were house hunting, we looked at several houses that had been used as drug factories. We didn't know what was going on at first, but a friend of my wife's clued us in.

    Unrelated, we still get calls for someone names Marla. All the time. ALL THE TIME!

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    1. So how did she clue you in? What are the tell tale signs? Does it look like the set of Breaking Bad (vats and tankards everywhere)?

      Delete
    2. Her husband is a cop, so, when my wife started mentioning the kinds of things we were seeing in houses, she commented, "Ho, those were drug labs." It all made sense then.
      Mostly, we found places that had been set up to grow marijuana with lots of light fixtures and sinks and things, but there were a couple with blacked out windows (in certain rooms or the garage) and made to be airtight.

      Delete
    3. That sounds like an episode of Breaking Bad (Walt does a ride along with his DEA brother-in-law, who points out how meth houses run). Did you take notes so you can start your own drug lab? I hear "drug kingpin" pays better than "Indie author."

      Delete
  29. Seriously you two make me laugh A LOT. And I sincerely hope Brandon wears that night cap to bed in real life. If you could please confirm that, that would really make my day. And it's a good thing I never go to McDonald's if that's the kind of people that lurk in the toilets! They're not having any of my crack.

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    1. Not only does Brandon wear the night cap, but that's ALL he wears. And he doesn't wear it on his head.

      Now try wiping THAT from your memory bank!

      Delete
  30. This is amazing!! And you're right about the mcdonald's bathrooms, I once left my phone in the disabled bathroom when I was about 16 and I went back to get it about half an hour later and some crackhead tried to sell me it outside. I ended up buying my phone back for £35 just to save the hassle x

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    1. Sure, you got your phone back, I hope you disinfected the shit out of that thing. I'm pretty sure you can still get herpes of the ear.

      Delete
  31. Ha! Maybe he should hang a sign? "NO DRUGS HERE! DRUG FREE ZONE! I'M ALL OUT OF CRACK SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHECK NEXT DOOR OR SOMETHING!"

    Oooo or if he can find the closest crack dealer, he should print out a bunch of maps to that guy's house. "No, no crack here. May I refer you to the following address...."

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    1. The referral is a brilliant idea. Junkies aren't really good with "no." I think they're better with "get crack here." Now, if only either of us dorky-ass honkies knew how the fuck to find the nearest crack house...

      Delete
  32. I'm also a huge fan of Brandon's sleep cap. It's fashion forward, and practical for chilly nights. Though less stylish, Bryan's witty banter with that sexy, two-toothed siren, was also very entertaining! A highly potent batch of laughs, B & B!

    Julie

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    1. Thank you! Now if only that witty banter took place in real life. Admittedly, I took one look at the bitch and just told her to fuck off. But that doesn't make for a very interesting post, does it?

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  33. Hahahahahaha I lived in the worst part of my old city. I was at drug busts (rescued the Big Dog from one), involved in a car chase (thanks to the dumbass I was in the car with yelling at somebody making a drug deal), and regularly told people I would sic my dog on them or call the cops if they didn't stop trying to pick me up as a hooker (since the age of 12). Damn, I think I know what my next post is about...

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    1. And now I'm kinda looking forward to this post. Your early life sounds like an action movie. I mean, a car chase? Who does that? The most excitement I've had while driving is some road rage asshole shaking his middle finger at me.

      Delete
  34. This is - objectively speaking - one of the funniest posts you've ever done.

    I've charted it all out and stuff and I am quite sure it is.

    It's the first time I've laughed at one of your posts in years!

    Even better, it will throw off the DEA's investigation of where the blue meth is coming from.

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    1. I'm glad you can view this post objectively and not let your bias show through. I mean, after that torrid blog affair that I just completely made up.

      And it's okay, because Bryan actually works for the DEA, but he doesn't suspect Brandon in the slightest. How's THAT for a plot twist?

      Delete
  35. He could take their money and give them a bag of sugar. Get rich

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    1. I don't know, that's the kind of thing that could really sully Jesus's good name...

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  36. I will admit to not having read through all the comments--since I'm late to the party as usual--but it seems like Brandon is looking a profitable gift horse in the mouth. Most dealers have to fight for clientele and here they're showing up on his door step and he's turning them away. Sounds a bit ungrateful to me. AND if they're just bible bangers he's REALLY missing his chance to throw on an upside down or satanic cross and an old metal tshirt and really scare the crap outta some people. Either way there is SO much fun to be had there. Sure, it's annoying, but you set up a hidden camera and you have a new TruTV show. ;)

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    1. No, not many people have thought to capitalize on this. But we like your way of thinking. If crackheads are going to spend their money on stupid shit, why not spend it on us? At least we're a half decent investment. They inadvertently support the written word, while normally they'd be supporting an idiotic, illiterate lifestyle. We're practically a charity.

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    2. AND I bet since it's so charitable it could be a tax write off! BAM...you're welcome.

      Delete
  37. On the one hand I'm wishing this is true because it sounds ever so slightly plausible and makes for a great story. On the other hand, all great stories are just that, great stories. And I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing you get such shady folks over regularly. (You do at least offer them a bag of powdered sugar, right?)
    I thought I learned my lesson, to never hold your posts for truth. But they're always based in some form of it, so eh, confusing. Why must you play with me so?

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    1. Fang, my dear boy, we are not playing with you. This post is true. Jesus (name NOT changed to protect the innocent - fuck him, he was a deadbeat drug dealer) died in the basement after a decade of dealing crack. His former "clientele" still come by to this day, even three years after the fact, and yes, Bryan has even witnessed one of said people. She was extremely strung-out, looking at the houses and looking at windows (trying to remember which house was Jesus's) and Bryan told her to fuck off.

      Sometimes we play with truth because it's a funny way to add satire to a story, but the ones where we purely talk about ourselves are not lies. Besides, we really have nothing to gain by making a story like this up. It's not like, "Oh, look at me, I have strung-out druggies visiting me and threatening my family all the time. Cool, right?"

      I know it sounds crazy, but we don't often have to make up things that happen to us. Between the two of us, our lives are just really that interesting.*

      *fucked up

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  38. A meth house nearly blew up at the end of our street. But no meth heads ever visited our house. Beware people: they're not just in trailer parks anymore.

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    1. You know, a meth house actually blew up my grandma's backyard shed. Something about strung out junkies attempting high level chemistry that doesn't seem right to me...

      Delete
  39. Too bad you're not a new inspiring crack dealer trying to break into the business. You'd be golden!

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    1. I knew I should have changed my field when I majored in meth, but NOOO, Breaking Bad was hot last year...

      Delete
  40. Three years later? That's quite a story, alright. Unbelievable.

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    1. Apparently when really high out on crack, "hey, there's this place I got high at 4 years ago, let's see if they still sell crack" is a brilliant idea.

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  41. I'm laughing so hard that I'm coughing. "You're going to have to pay me a lot more than that..."

    We have an abundance of JW's who come to the house. I think they must see us as a friendly training ground because we don't spit on them before slamming the door. Now I have another alternative "how to cope" method after reading this.

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    1. As long as you're nice to them, that means you're (apparently) interested and they'll just keep coming back. So be mean. Or, you know, just answer the door with a double-barrel shotgun. Or answer the door wearing this.

      Devil costume

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    2. What a perfectly jovial devil! That outfit PLUS the shotgun should do the trick. Otherwise, it's back to the blowgun and darts.

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  42. I laughed pretty hard, probably because I was caught off guard, and also because the pajama picture. Just, constant lol stuff. I'm glad I stopped by.

    Maybe having a little sign with an appropriate logo on the front that says "This living area is under the vigilance and protection of the Federal Bureau of Insemination. Can't get in trouble with the law at all, and they'll be on their merry way way before they reach the end. Right?

    I'd move.

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    1. Maybe it'd help if Brandon answered the door in a police officer's uniform. To make it believable, though, he'd have to start growing out a cop mustache now. Maybe put on 50 lbs. He could even buy a retired police cruiser and put it in the driveway.

      (This, of course, is sadly still more plausible than trying to sell the house and moving)

      Delete
  43. Oh my God! Wow. Just wow.

    Having seen pictures of people on crack, I don't know why anyone would ever touch the stuff. Are you sure Jesus wasn't sucking them off?

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    1. I don't know, does Jesus sucking them off make crack more appealing or less appealing...?

      Delete
  44. By the way: Since you guys are drawing realistic looking hands now, I consider the old "circle hands" thing to be up for brags, and I will feel less guilty next time I use them in a blog post.

    You snooze, you lose!

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    1. Psssh, you people and your "hands." You can have 'em. Take 'em all, realistic or circular or prosthetic or otherwise. I've been watching some Japanese independent art films* lately, and I've learned that hands are old news. Rape tentacles are the future.

      *hardcore anime pornography

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  45. I was about to make a comment about the post, and then I see your comment about tentacle rape porn.

    You'd think that it be a really stupid stereotype. Nope. You have no idea how easy it is to find that stuff in Japan. Seriously, you'd think they'd try and put some effort into hiding it.

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    1. It seems like talk about tentacle rape always steals the show.

      I've never actually seen any (I'm more of a Brazilian fart porn man myself) but I just know that once upon a time ago, penises were illegal in Japanese porn. But tentacles weren't, and they didn't have an implied gender. So they made all of their anime porn with tentacles to skirt that law, and now we have a shitload of octopi raping anime women because that's all they've ever known.

      Congratulations, now we can all say we learned something about tentacle porn.

      Delete
    2. Oh god fun fact to recite when drunk! They better not put that in the new sailor moon

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  46. I only have people asking me if my parents are home when I answer the door...just happened again last Wednesday at 9 pm! What the hell? I said no and she left. Maybe she wanted to babysit... Me?

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  47. I would have gave them ex lax and told them it was new crack. You have to swallow it in order for it to work!

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  48. Ha ha ha. We don't have that problem too much where I live. The Jehovah Witnesses, however, are very concerned with my soul. Actually, most Religious people seem to be concerned with my soul...with all that concern I feel like I don't have to worry any more. I don't think I've actually ever met a Mormon though.

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  49. Living in the city now and we get the occasional jehovah witness. I feel pretty mich the same as Brandon.

    And I swear you guys never disappoint. I always get a few good chuckles. Even the taco on the wall is funny.

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