Monday, February 3, 2014

Worst. Gift. Ever.

I'm usually not one to complain about gifts, because I know how hard it is to pick them out. And trust me, in my 30 years on this planet, I've received my fair share of bad gifts.


But last week I got a gift that takes the cake on bad gifts, and through no fault of the gift giver. And it's so hilariously bad that I felt compelled to blog about it this week.

For Christmas, Meli and I got a fancy gift-of-the-month type deal from her brother. It came in the form of a letter on Christmas Eve...


As both of us have been incredibly busy lately, we were excited at the prospect of being treated to dinner and a movie. You know, one night a month that we could just relax and have a quiet little date night at home. Well, last week, when the first gift arrived, we were... uh, a little confused. Because it seemed woefully incomplete.


"Dinner" was nothing more than a box of uncooked pasta and a jar of pasta sauce. And included in the box was a printout of a recipe, which had a HUGE list of ingredients.


Meaning that in order to make our romantic, elegant dinner, all I needed to do was go to the store and buy $20-30 worth of ingredients and then spend 2 hours cooking it myself. Wait, isn't that what I'd pretty much have to do even without this so-called 'gift'?


I don't know about you guys, but when I hear that I'm getting treated to dinner, I don't assume that I'm going to have to buy all of the ingredients and cook it for myself.

And the free movie? Well, that would be a $1 coupon for a RedBox rental. Because while you're out and about picking up $20-30 worth of ingredients for your gift dinner, you should probably stop by the RedBox and pick up a movie. And at $1-2 a rental, thank God they're footing the bill! I mean, I don't have a lot of money leftover after I paid for the rest of my 'gift.'

I know this is no fault of my brother-in-law, and we appreciate the thought, but I have to wonder just what kind of fucked up gift is this? Like, I feel if I did this to my wife, I'd be sleeping on the couch for the rest of my natural life.







And best of all, we have 2 more months of this, so that's another two boxes of generic uncooked pasta, another two jars of generic sauce, and another two RedBox coupons. Hurray for us?

Maybe I need to adopt this business model into my own life. Say, for example, Brandon and I write a 300 page e-book and sell it to you for $2.99. Except we only wrote the first 3 pages. The other 297 are blank. You have to write them. But don't worry, here's a printout telling you how you might do that.

Also, here's a $1 coupon to Amazon. Buy our other books while you're at it.

Any takers? No?

On that note, let's take things over to our ABftS...

Bonehead of the Week

And this week's winner is actually this week's loser... the Denver Broncos. Rather than show off their record setting offense, the Broncos decided to play 60 minutes of open mic-night, amateur hour, middle school football in their 43-8 loss to the Seahawks. The Broncos are just really, really good sports, I guess. Because the Seahawks are a great team, but to ensure that they won, the Broncos really went out of their way to help them with all of those interceptions and fumbles. Hell, we even started them off with a 2 point safety on our very first play of the game. Wasn't that so nice of us?


Maybe next year instead of being so kind to our opponent we'll actually help our own team... assuming we can bumble ourselves into the Super Bowl again.

So... what would you think if you got the gift I mentioned above? And what's the worst gift you've ever received?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Maudlin Strangers
Beer: Avalanche



113 comments:

  1. That is indeed a lame gift. At least he could come cook that pasta for you.
    That first play set the tone for the whole game. Denver just stunk it up after that. You'd think the number one offense would do a little better against the number one defense. I guess that's why they say defense always wins the Super Bowl.

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    1. Defense aside (and I take nothing away from Seattle, they're a great team) Denver just played badly last night - defense, offense, special teams, all of them screwed up. If you watched the Broncos that I watched all season, then you know they should have played a LOT better than the poindexters that showed up last night.

      Delete
  2. Maybe someone gave the Broncos a piece of paper that just said "practice" the weeks leading up to the game. That present is almost as ridiculous as how "the best offense in history" played last night. It almost made me ashamed to get really really drunk watching it. Almost.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yeah, this weekend was chock full of shitty surprises for me.

      Getting drunk didn't make that game any better. Turning the TV off and slinking home to try to forget it did though. Just a little.

      Delete
  3. Well, my grandmother would get me socks every year. She'd get me those thick, woolen socks. The type of socks a burly man would wear on his way to chop down a massive oak in the middle of a forest. Except, I work indoors, so these socks were fairly useless to me, except when shoveling snow or sledding in snow or skiing in snow.

    But, that was pretty rough Superbowl to watch. I saw a picture today that suggested the little aliens from Space Jam stole the Broncos' talent. I suppose that'd be as viable an excuse as any.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Around here, we like to joke that we have the Tim Tebow curse now. I'd say that's just as viable, if not more. Sorry, God, we thought we knew what we were doing when we gave your #1 QB the axe.

      Delete
  4. When I first read about your gift, I was all, "Man, that is a super awesome gift! I need to find out where his brother-in-law got it." After reading what the company actually sent, I'm thinking, "Man, what a crappy gift. I need to find out where his brother-in-law got that so I can avoid that company and not make the same mistake!"

    Your poor BIL must feel horrible. I hope he at least gets you a gift card to Arby's or something.

    That was the absolute worst Superbowl I've witnessed. Even the commercials were a disappointment.

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    1. We haven't told the BIL. We don't know if we ever will. It's just kind of awkward to say, "You know that really thoughtful gift you got us? It turned out to be dog shit."

      And I knew the commercials would probably be lame, but I didn't think the game would be lame, too. I was hoping for a neck and neck nailbiter, not "and the Denver Butterfingers drop the ball again... and the Seahawks run it back for an 80 yard touch down... again..."

      Delete
  5. >>... I have to wonder just what kind of fucked up gift is this?

    Uhm... I'm just gonna take a stab in the back an-- er... I mean "a shot in the dark"... and say... "a REALLY fucked up one"?

    Of course, that safety the Broncos gave the Seahawks last night on Denver's first play from scrimmage was a pretty fucked up "gift" too. And then the Broncos just kept on "giving".

    The worst gift that I myself ever got?
    A Red Ryder BB gun.

    I shot my eye out.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
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    1. This weekend was just full of wonderful, unexpected gifts. At least I still have that EYE-talian lamp I won in a sweepstakes. It's a fra-JEE-lay, so it's probably worth something should I ever sell it.

      Delete
  6. I can't say I've ever had a present like that before, because I haven't. When you said that you would be getting dinner and a free movie once a month I had visions of a coupon to a fancy restaurant or something. I think something like this would be giving someone the gift of Netflix (Yes, that was an actual promotion they were running). There are two ways that can go. One is that you pay for their Netflix for them, and spend an awful lot of money, or buy them their first month and then they have to pay for the rest. I don't really remember any particularly bad gifts, except for socks that don't fit. Getting socks is pretty normal, the least they could do is fit.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. We looked it up on the site, and for $30 a month for 3 months ($90 total) they could have absolutely afforded 3 months of Netflix. Especially if all we're getting is a bag of generic pasta ($1) and a jar of generic sauce ($1). Where the fuck is the rest of that money going? Oh, right. Them.

      Delete
  7. I am wondering who sold this lame ass gift to your BIL. Did they seller present it in some way that convinced your bro-in-law that it was going to be a great gift instead of the total waste that it is? I feel bad if he thinks this gift was supposed to be great and it definitely isn't. It like when you send someone an expensive flower arrangement but when they send a picture with the thank you note....it's 4 carnations in a mason jar.

    That's just unfortunate for everyone.

    As for the Broncos...OUCH...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Amazingclubs.com. Not even gonna hide it. It's tagged in the post. Fuck them. Seriously, look at the page yourself.

      Dinner and a Movie Amazing Clubs

      "Every month we'll deliver a delicious Italian-themed dinner including a premium pasta and specialty sauce. "

      No, it's not "including" a pasta and sauce. It's only a pasta and sauce.

      "A gourmet dinner and a movie every month!"

      What about any of that is gourmet?

      So you can see how the BIL might have read this over and thought it to be something completely different with that awful, tricky wording.

      Delete
  8. You know I'd kill for that cat sweater.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. And you can have it. Just take all of this awful pasta and pasta sauce. We don't even want it. The pasta looks stale and the sauce looks like Ragu.

      Delete
  9. I can imagine the after-game coach talk for the Broncos was pretty brutal.

    "Alright team you can forget about me taking you'll out to Pizza hut tonight. Instead you're getting a can of uncooked pasta, the wal-mart version of Ragu, and I pre-picked your movie which will be After-Earth starring some kid whose dad is famous"

    ReplyDelete
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    1. And then half way through dinner preparation Peyton dropped the pot of water, Wes Welker dropped the pasta, and Eric Decker dropped the jar of pasta sauce, leaving them with a very quiet, very hungry night of Jaden Smith's ugly, furrowed brow that looks like he's farting 24/7.

      Delete
  10. My gift to you was going to be a ride to a car dealership so you could buy yourself a car, but I'm not going to do it now, if there's a chance I could get publicly humiliated.

    I mean, who do I look like? Peyton Manning?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You could only humiliate me if you gave me a ride in the new $70,000 Kia with Lawrence Fishburne singing in the backseat, and took me to the Kia dealership. What they call a "commercial" I might call "my worst nightmare."

      Delete
  11. It's a shame you don't like that gift. I booked a hooker for you, but she'll only take you halfway so you have to finish off yourself. Also, you'll have to pay her, in full.

    I think the worst gift I ever recieved was a CD called "Clubland 4". Awful stuff.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The hooker was okay, but having to buy ingredients and cook HER dinner after was a little much.

      Also, Clubland 4 was a bust, but did you hear Clublands 1-3? Those albums were so good they made me rave until I puked.

      Delete
  12. Wow, that is the worst gift ever. I guess next year you will have to return the favor lol but that could be an interesting business model, pump out 50 books a day using that haha

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yes, I'd call it "Write Your Own Adventure." It's like Choose Your Own Adventure, with 100% less work involved. It can't fail.

      Delete
  13. Unfortunately, from a brief peek at the website, it's pretty obvious what you're getting. The pictures show dried pasta, a jar of sauce & a redbox card. Maybe the sauce will actually really good... And to think there was a beer club membership you could have gotten instead.

    Worst gift ever for me... Well, I too have been subjected to ugly sweaters and clothes that don't fit - that's usually a fun one... "I was *sure* it would fit you..." "So what you're saying is, I'm fatter than you thought? Thanks Mom".

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yes, but you underestimate my BIL's ability to skim over things. And the letter we got sure didn't insinuate we'd be getting boxes of ingredients.

      Also, on the other end of the spectrum, I always get the L or the XL, followed by the disappointed, "Oh, I thought it would fit you since you're an adult." Yes, I'm sorry I'm not morbidly obese enough to fit into that XL tent you bought me, Aunt Sarah.

      Delete
  14. A DIY dinner gift, and a coupon? Lame! But your cartoon critique was awesome. I was laughing out loud at the conversation with your wife (i like her purple hair, btw) I always need a nap after being nice. (Or being mean, alone, bored, etc). In fact, I napped through half of that lame ass Super Bowl. Oh man...Orange crush got crushed like it was the 80's. I couldn't understand how Peyton Manning suddenly forgot how to football, and then i realized... he's a Manning in the Meadowlands. Eli's bad mojo must have rubbed off on him.

    p.s. totally agree with what you said about Danica Patrick last wk. Did not realize she was that manly looking. Ugh. Maybe the Broncos could have used him uh...i mean her.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That purple hair is all hers, mind you, and not just something I thought would be fun for the cartoon. It actually looks pretty damn good.

      And after last night's performance, I think Peyton Manning owes every Broncos fan a free Papa John's pizza. It's the least he can do... since he didn't do anything yesterday.

      Delete
  15. Still cracking up at your eife's eye twitch. Been there done that. When I really think about it, I din't think I've ever gotten a really bad gift.

    Benn a Broncos fan for too long, so I wasn't really surprised, and being originally from Chicago, it just seems natural to see your team choke when it really counts.

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    1. That eye twitch is very real, and whenever I see it I know to go into the other room and do something else. With yesterday's game, I think both eyes were twitching, and everyone at our Super Bowl party was lucky to walk out with their limbs still attached.

      Delete
  16. Ha! Are you sure you didn't get a hand made coupon for "1 dinner and movie" from your brother in law, who is in fact only 12 years old?

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    1. Come to think of it, the gift certificate was written in crayon, and it did include a coupon for "one free hug." You may be onto something...

      Delete
  17. That was the most disappointing super bowl of all time. It was basically the generic pasta and pasta sauce as a gift of super bowls. I was so disappointed with it that I'm refusing to capitalize the words "super bowl" in this comment.

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    1. The NFL is still suing you for using that name, but yesterday's game was so disheartening that they're only half-assedly suing you, so just, like, write a check for $50 and mail it to the NFL. Or something.

      Delete
  18. That was a rough game.

    Early on, I was still hopeful-Denver's defense held them to two field goals. But once Seattle started scoring TD's and Denver stopped tackling, I started multitasking.

    This is why I hate two weeks between the championship games and the Super Bowl. Two weeks of hearing that Manning will win makes Denver complacent and Seattle motivated.

    Broncos had a heckuva year, though.

    Larry

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    1. Not gonna lie, one of my first thoughts going into the game was, "Everybody just keeps talking about how Manning's going to blow everyone away. Karmically speaking, that just seems like it can't happen now."

      Delete
    2. Up until Seattle scored that safety it was a pretty close game...

      Delete
  19. Oh man yeah I heard, Broncos fans will be getting this shit thrown in their faces for ages to come.

    The gift, in theory, is pretty cool. I mean seriously, it really helps with that problem where I do, see, eat, buy and finish everything I have in one go, what with the intervals between deliveries. But then if I have to go cook stuff myself, well, I still got a shitton of instant noodle soup left, and that's much quicker.

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    1. Well, as a fan, I don't do anything more than sit down on a couch and watch, so my conscience is clean. The Broncos on the other hand are probably feeling pretty shitty.

      As for me, I cook 6-7 nights a week, from scratch, so this gift is just kind of a middle finger to that. It's like, "You know how you've been cooking all week? Well here's another recipe, but with ingredients you don't have. So get to it, sport."

      Delete
  20. This is brilliant! As a gag gift, I mean. I'm the cheapest person I know (since my dumpster-diving dad passed) and this would be HILARIOUS! Wrap up a box of Ramen and a coloring book one month, then a can of Spam and a trashy novel from Goodwill the 2nd! I'm totally pinning this and EVERYONE is getting this next Christmas.

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    1. While you're at it, you should charge $30 a month for it like Amazing Clubs does. Think of how much extra cash they're raking in on this after they spend a dollar on pasta, a dollar on the sauce, and a dollar on the RedBox movie.

      After all, the only thing better than being the funniest of all your friends is being the funniest AND the richest.

      Delete
  21. I can't say I've ever gotten a gift worse than that one. You'd have to be REALLY trying in order to do worse than that! "So, um, here's your present. I hope you like bird entrails and rat feces. It's an artistic sculpture that I made for you myself. You're welcome."

    Oh, and I know exactly why the Seahawks were able to spank the Broncos so very harshly. It's because of the chimp. That's right. There's a chimpanzee at the Hogle Zoo here in Utah who has correctly predicted the winner of the Super Bowl for 6--Now 7--years running. This year, it predicted the Seahawks, and he was right. Again. When you've got the power of the chimp behind you, you can't possibly lose! (I'm not making this up. You can find the news story about it on ksl.com, if you felt so inclined...) Sorry Broncos! Maybe next time...

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    1. Oops! I was wrong. It's an ape, not just a chimp, and here's a link from Espn's website about it: http://espn.go.com/nfl/playoffs/2013/story/_/id/10379111/utah-ape-predicts-seattle-seahawks-win-super-bowl

      Delete
    2. Ape, chimp, whatever. That little monkey totally screwed us over, and I'm glad that I finally have someone to assign proper blame.

      Also, please tell me that the ape made his pick by flinging his own crap at the 'winner.' Or maybe the loser, since that would be more appropriate?

      Delete
    3. Nope. I guess they just hang up two paper mâché things with the team logos on them, and whichever one he knocks down is his pick for the winner. So I guess you could say he punched the winners in the face, if that makes you feel any better...

      Delete
    4. It does not. I'm not even mad at Seattle. They did great. It's the Broncos who need that punch in the face. Or rather, I wish they could just all line up in a row and I could give them all one big massive consecutive slap, ala the Three Stooges or Mom from Futurama.

      http://www.comedycentral.com/video-clips/fpge7r/futurama-the-twit-worm

      ...those big dumb bastards.

      Delete
    5. Yeah, I didn't even watch the game, but according to the men in my family, the whole game was a huge joke from start to finish.

      I'd REALLY like to watch if you ever do figure out how to simultaneously slap an entire football team. Please let me know where to show up with the video camera...

      Delete
  22. And to think, you have to chew on dried pasta for two more months. Sucks to be you and Meli. Sorry.

    Yeah, the Broncos handed the game over from the start. The only thing worse than their performance was Bruno's hair and the noise produced by a Mars-Peppers combo.

    Hope your week gets better.
    xoRobyn

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    1. Noise aside, I'd say my eyes were more offended by Anthony Kiedis and his pedo mustache, the no shirt, and his wacky teenage girl leggings. Yeah, you're hardcore, buddy! Keep rocking when you're 80!

      Delete
  23. For some reason, I think the book idea would actually work. Kinda like a "How To" for book making at a reasonable price. The Amazon coupon would be incentive to read up on other material they could grab some inspiration from.

    I wouldn't buy it.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I wouldn't buy it either. But you know who would? Someone. Which is all you ever need to strike gold in America.

      Delete
  24. Was this a gift thru an actual company? Because it is certainly worth a bad review and your BIL was misled in his purchase of said 'gift'.

    I'm not sure I can top that one. And I have gotten some pretty crappy gifts thru the years.

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    1. Yes this was through Amazing Clubs and this particular gift has solid 5 star ratings from its "users", which just blows my mind. I'm just going to assume they're all robots hired by the company itself.

      Delete
    2. Maybe someone should 'club' the people at Amazing Clubs. That's just pathetic on their part

      Delete
  25. Holy crap on a cracker. Worst present EVER. How on earth can this company actually be in business? I've been trying to think of a present that could actually come close, and I'm coming up blank. This has apparently eclipsed all bad gifts.

    As for Denver, I'm ashamed. I wanted them to kick Seattle's ass for beating the Niners. Maybe I should have rooted for Seattle. Last year my time was in the Super Bowl and they lost, nearly as bad as Denver did. And I was rooting for Denver and they, well . . . ahem. If I had rooted for Seattle, maybe they would have the embarrassing loss. I'll try it out next year.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Reverse psychology works wonders on the outcome of a football game. So does the classic "I just won't watch it because when I watch it they lose" and the ever popular "I'm going to wear my lucky socks, and it's totally not gross that I've never washed them because they once helped my team win the Super Bowl in 1987."

      Delete
  26. I am SO laughing at your dinner and a movie gift. It sounds like something our family would give as a gag gift. I love it! But then, our family is warped like that :)

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    1. I would love this if it was a gag gift, but trust me, the only punchline here is the ever-growing collection of pasta and sauce that's going to sit in my cupboard for months to come.

      Delete
  27. I am laughing at your gift. I've had some really bad ones but the one that sticks out the most was a pair of bright orange and green jungle print, MC hammer, parachute pants. My aunt thought I'd love. This was years after MC Hammer went bankrupt. That game was just too painful to watch.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yeah, just wait until you get invited to an 80s party. Suddenly those Hammer pants go from worst gift ever to best gift ever in the span of one epic night.

      Delete
  28. That gift is AWESOME! If I got something that cool I'd... well, probably write a blog post about it. I think it was also worth it for making me laugh. I even told my wife about it. She then smirked, which is a laugh - if you translate it from her facial features into what I think it means. I really don't know. I have no idea what she thinks about anything. Usually when she finds something funny she just shouts really loud that she found it funny, but she doesn't laugh. So I'm not really sure what the smirk means. I'm thinking it means she's laughing.

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    1. I can't remember which show it was, but I recall an episode where the main character was dating a girl, and she was perfect on paper but instead of laughing she only ever said "THAT'S SO FUNNY." No laughter at all. After someone else pointed it out, it drove him crazy until he was forced to dump her.

      What I'm saying is... I hope this blog post doesn't inadvertently ruin your marriage. If so, my bad.

      Delete
  29. Replies
    1. I'm gagging on this awful pasta, so it could be.

      Delete
  30. That has to be the worst gift ever. Can you re-gift it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brandon's wedding gift later this year: "Hey man, I got you a 3 month subscription for a classy Italian dinner and a movie. Congratulations!"

      Delete
  31. That was the rich brother-in-law, right? I wonder how much he paid for that? Or if he got it through a military contractor?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh yes it was. But in all fairness, it was his girlfriend who got this for us. She's like his thoughtful secretary that manages his personal life because he can't. He by himself would have just gotten us nothing.

      I should have known I was in for trouble when the welcome letter came addressed to "Meli and Brain."

      Anyhow, the "dinner and a movie" club is $30 a month for 3 months, so $90 total. I had to look it up on the site out of curiosity. And for $90, think of how many boxes of pasta and jars of Ragu you could buy. Namely, a lot more than 3 of each.

      Delete
    2. That's kind of awesome. Maybe a career change is in order.
      Brain.
      You know I'm going to call you that, now, right?
      At least it didn't say Pinky and Brain.

      Delete
    3. You could always get a job as my brother in law's secretary, providing you have a huge rack, a willingness to put out, and a minimal IQ. When can you start?

      (The correct answer is "LOL look at my boobs.")

      Delete
  32. You got to admit it's a good scam. It sounds great and likely no one would try returning it. I bet your brother-in-law was pissed when he found out what the, uh, gift, was.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. It's true. Not only can I not return it, but I don't even want to tell my brother in law what it was. Which brings me to the second part of your comment - we have NOT told him about this, and do not plan to.

      Let's just put it this way, he lives in Vegas and we talk to him maybe once a year. This year we don't want that one time to be, "Hey buddy, we got your gift and it was complete and utter bullshit. So how are you?"

      Delete
  33. The Mexican prison shank was a nice touch! I can't believe that those crooks get away with selling this for $30 a month. It would be great if you could work with an undercover news team to expose them on TV.

    Julie

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    1. Our local undercover news expose guy is currently in court for beating the shit out of his wife, so I guess I have to rely on this blog post to get the word out about this BS gift.

      Tom Martino arrested for domestic violence

      Delete
  34. Wow, that is ridiculously ghetto. Spaghetti and jarred sauce? Wow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey now, it's fettuccini, which is so much classier of a noodle than simple spaghetti...

      Delete
  35. LOL! Oh that is a tough gift. On one hand, it's nice that someone thought of you, but on the other, you wished that hadn't thought of you. Maybe you should invite your brother-in-law over, and ask him to pick up a few things before coming over. When he arrives, show him the kitchen. :)

    I can't remember ever receiving such a bad gift. I think it's the NOT receiving gifts for important moments in my life that I remember.

    Enjoy that pasta dinner!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. My brother in law is a millionaire so asking him to buy a few things and come over doesn't quite have the same effect. He'd walk into the kitchen, see ingredients, and ask why we're cooking our own food like "poor people."

      Delete
  36. Haha what a great business idea! I might try something similar. How about a 'hotel experience' - I could send people a dirty pillowcase, a bible, and a photo of a cold, full-English breakfast in the post?

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    1. You should just send them an apron, a broom, and a dustpan, with a note that says, "Plot twist: the experience is from the perspective of a maid. Now make the damn bed and fold some towels."

      Delete
    2. Haha, along with a few questionable-looking hairs and some weird green thing to stick in the shower plughole!

      Delete
  37. Hi fellas. When I hear that I'm getting treated to dinner, I assume I get to pay for it all. It's called experience with women.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Blue! I make my wife pay for everything in the name of feminism. Or something like that.

      Delete
    2. Ill give it a try. Don't think I can outsmart her that way though. "Pay or you won't be getting any" might be more effective. Or so Pat says.

      Delete
    3. P.S. Thanks for the more realistic makeover, fellas! My wife says I look better that way. I'm not sure if that's a good thing ;)

      Delete
    4. Any time, my friend. If you think that's great plastic surgery, you should see us next week. Now, the boobs weren't necessary, but having access to a pair 24/7 is like a dream come true.

      Delete
  38. That's hilarious! So how does dry pasta dipped in cold spaghetti sauce taste?

    ReplyDelete
  39. Dude, that sucks. And I agree that's a messed up gift. I would be disappointed. And pissed off that I had to make dinner after looking forward to the night off.

    Worst gift I ever received: a scrap book. Anyone who knows the first thing about ADD me knows I am the Anti-scrapper. I hate everything about scrap booking, and I mean everything... Although many adult women really do seem to enjoy playing with stickers, pictures and cut outs for hours, I'd rather stick a pencil in my eye, thank you very much.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "These My Little Pony stickers really made our 2013 Florida vacation something to remember!"

      Delete
  40. Imagine the money that those who had bet that the first score would be a safety.

    Yes, that is a lame gift. Lamest gift that I had received was after shave lotion for my head. That's right, I said head.

    ReplyDelete
  41. That bad gift actually beats the ceramic "what the hell is it" gift I got from a friend. As for the game, I was so bored and changed the channel to watch Shameless. Next year it will be here in AZ.....yay!!!

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    1. I should have watched Shameless instead, but it's like that awful thought in the back of your mind that maybe, just MAYBE they can dig themselves out of that hole. Even if at one point that hole is something like 35 to 0.

      Delete
  42. Every Steam sale I make an effort to grab "Secret of the Magic Crystals" and proceed to give a copy to as many people as I can.

    I have no idea why a magical pony breeding simulator is on Steam, but it is easily the best worst game you can give. That is, until Barbie Dreamhouse becomes cheaper.

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    1. Gave them all away. Need to restock in the next big Steam sale.

      Delete
  43. I share your pain. One year my wife got me a truly terrible gift, a human baby. Ugh. It doesn't go with anything, you have to constantly work to make sure it doesn't die, it's like the SIMs, but in real life, and boring. But it's OK, because she made it up to me, and got me two more.

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    1. Oh God, stop talking about them. You'll make my wife want one. And unlike the SIMs, I can't just reboot when I accidentally put mine in the oven.

      Delete
  44. That does indeed sound like a lame gift.

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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  45. That just made the list for presents I'm giving away next Christmas. What a great white elephant gift!

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    1. Best of all, you can make your own for much, much less than $30.

      Delete
  46. This made my day! Sounds like a gift I would have received if ever I would receive a gift. Enjoy your dollar movie!

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    1. I already have Amazon Instant Video so I can just stream it online. Don't need to waste the time going to RedBox.

      #WhitePeopleProblems

      Delete
  47. I have to ask: was this gift offered by the brother-in-law who likes to pretend he's Batman? Because if it was and he pulled off this caliber of "practical joke," it certainly would have been in his budget to at least have thrown in some bread sticks for good measure.

    -Barb

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    1. This was, but unfortunately, this was no practical joke. He genuinely thought he was sending us dinner and a movie. To be nice. Instead, we got a big, uncooked middle finger with a $1 coupon for "fuck you."

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  48. The year hubby received a leather shoe cleaning kit for christmas when all he wears are runners was probably the worst gift either of us have received. After that we made the suggestion that adults just buy for the children. Made it a whole lot easier and kids dont really care about what they get

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    1. Yes, absolutely. I find that as I get older people get me worse and worse gifts. Oh, you're 30? Here's a juicer. Are you trying to tell me I eat like shit? Or my teeth aren't what they used to be so I should drink all my foods?

      20 years later and nothing has changed; I'd still rather just get Legos.

      Delete
  49. ...Of all the 'lame' gifts I thought you could talk about that one didn't even occur to me. Uncooked pasta and a rental voucher. Hilarious. I think the thought was nice but the execution sucked. I'm just trying to imagine what was going on in his mind when he decided on that gift. Oh bless.

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    1. He genuinely thought he was getting us dinner and a movie. He didn't know all we were getting was uncooked pasta and a voucher, just as we didn't know. The wording on that site is really, really tricky. Like a skeezy lawyer's wet dream, if you read it without knowing what it truly is you would probably think you're going to get a fully cooked "Italian themed" dinner and a movie.

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  50. Wow! To paraphrase Amy Winehouse, what kind of fuckery is this? That's so awful. I mean, I'd probably spend my own money and send it back.

    Reminds me of a gift I got in college - someone spent $400 (!!) to have me get flowers every month for a year. The first bunch arrived in a box, with no water, all wilted. My friend, a native New Yorker, called and asked, "Is this a joke?" and promptly got the money returned to my relative.

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  51. I had a comment and then I saw that the commenter before me, "Riot Kitty" paraphrased AMY WINEHOUSE, which means AMY WINEHOUSE is quotable? First, I have to know where the LIVER is and then I find out AMY WINEHOUSE is quotable? OK, that probably didn't make much sense but in between reading your post and writing this comment, Mr Bunches was reading his new library book, "Journey Through The Human Body" and asking me where various organs are in the body. He never, and I am serious about this, asks me where the spleen is.

    This comment has gotten off track.

    This was hilarious. I asked Sweetie what she would do if she got that gift and she sighed and said, in a resigned voice "I'd be, like, 'OK'?" which means I have lowered Sweetie's expectations to where literally the bottom of the barrel exceeds her hopes.

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  52. Wow, that is at the same time both completely awful and completely genius. I wish they sold it on Amazon so we could see all the 'reviews'...that would be pretty hysterical. I can't wait to see what next month's dinner is! A bag of rice and a recipe on how to make paella?

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