No judgment, guys. You see, both of us work out in one form or another. But it wasn't until our ancient ancestors paid us a visit that we realized just how dumb working out actually is.
See, once upon a time we as humans just worked hard naturally. We hunted and gathered. We walked for miles upon miles, and we lifted the shit out of everything because we didn't have machines to do it for us. It took hours just to get a single meal ready, and then the paltry meat and vegetables we ate barely replenished the calories we exerted gathering them. Needless to say, we were in pretty damn good shape (even if life was kinda miserable).
Flash forward to 2014 and we as humans have gotten pretty lazy. Most of us have desk jobs where the farthest we move is to the refrigerator for some packaged junk food that was assembled for us. In a typical day, no heavy lifting or fighting or killing is involved. Hell, we've heard people complain that they have to lift a 2 lb stack of copy paper.
So those of us who do want to be healthy and fit in this day and age have to resort to something that's, well, kind of ridiculous when you think about it. We simulate the hard work we USED to have to do just to survive. And we look pretty damn stupid doing it.
For example, Bryan likes to lift weights a few times a week.
Yep, just picture him standing in a room with a rubber floor, in a pair of torn up sweat pants, moving a bunch of lead weights around over and over and over, next to a bunch of meatheads who are doing the same thing. If you think about it, that probably looks pretty stupid. And for all that work, I bet he's not even half the size of great ancestor Farmer John, who probably got his jollies by lifting cows.
As for Brandon, he's more of a runner, which is fitting, because so was his ancestor. But does anything look dumber than a grown man in a track suit jogging on a belt-driven hamster wheel?
And for all that running, Brandon probably still couldn't outrun an angry mountain lion. Or even his fat, lazy house cat.* How's that for progress?
*the average house cat can run up to 30 mph
But it's not just running that looks stupid. No, even something cool like fighting looks stupid, too.
Bryan trains MMA. Boxing, jiu jitsu, Muay Thai, etc. And since he doesn't have time to go to his jiu jitsu school every day, he practices a lot of this at home. Just imagine how fucking stupid he looks.
Unlike his ancestor, who had to fight off thieves trying to pillage his farm, the wolves that preyed on his animals, and the skeezy soldier that made eyes at his wife, no one in modern times has to fight on a daily basis. So when we do it for the sake of a work out, well, it probably looks pretty stupid. And truly, if you want to look like a crazy person to all of your neighbors, just punch and kick the air in front of your open bay window for 60 minutes straight.
But that's not even the dumbest-looking of workouts. You want the king of stupid-looking exercises? How about the home video workout?
That's right, we're looking at you, Zumba.
So what we're saying is... there's really no way to work out without looking like a complete idiot. But that's okay. We've come a long way since we had to club our own meals to death, and it's pretty much the only way to keep in shape these days. So please, don't let the appearance of stupidity stop you, because the pros far outweigh the cons.
But the next time you work out and do air squats in your living room, in a coffee-stained t-shirt and sweatpants, while a guy in spandex on your TV yells at you... we just hope you think of us and laugh.
Now then, before we go, we're going to forego our typical Bonehead of the Week so that we can end with a little shameless promotion.
First, be sure and check out our guest post today over at our good friend Alex Cavanaugh's. We've offered some very
And second, we just released a new science fiction novelette called Empirical Evidence on Amazon. It's e-book only, and best of all, from Monday until Wednesday it's completely free. You can even read it directly on Amazon.com if you don't have a Kindle. So go grab it, read it, enjoy it, review it, tell all your friends, etc! And we'll see you here again next week!
Cheers and stay fit, friends,
Music: Neon Indian
Beer: Lake Flacid Nippletop