Monday, February 10, 2014

Working Out is Stupid

We're just past the first week of February, and you know what that means? It means that if you're one of the many who made a New Year's resolution to join a gym and (literally) work your ass off, then chances are good that you've already fallen off the wagon and back into that bucket of double brownie fudge ice cream. But that's okay, because we've decided that working out is stupid.

No judgment, guys. You see, both of us work out in one form or another. But it wasn't until our ancient ancestors paid us a visit that we realized just how dumb working out actually is.



See, once upon a time we as humans just worked hard naturally. We hunted and gathered. We walked for miles upon miles, and we lifted the shit out of everything because we didn't have machines to do it for us. It took hours just to get a single meal ready, and then the paltry meat and vegetables we ate barely replenished the calories we exerted gathering them. Needless to say, we were in pretty damn good shape (even if life was kinda miserable).

Flash forward to 2014 and we as humans have gotten pretty lazy. Most of us have desk jobs where the farthest we move is to the refrigerator for some packaged junk food that was assembled for us. In a typical day, no heavy lifting or fighting or killing is involved. Hell, we've heard people complain that they have to lift a 2 lb stack of copy paper.


So those of us who do want to be healthy and fit in this day and age have to resort to something that's, well, kind of ridiculous when you think about it. We simulate the hard work we USED to have to do just to survive. And we look pretty damn stupid doing it.

For example, Bryan likes to lift weights a few times a week.


Yep, just picture him standing in a room with a rubber floor, in a pair of torn up sweat pants, moving a bunch of lead weights around over and over and over, next to a bunch of meatheads who are doing the same thing. If you think about it, that probably looks pretty stupid. And for all that work, I bet he's not even half the size of great ancestor Farmer John, who probably got his jollies by lifting cows.


As for Brandon, he's more of a runner, which is fitting, because so was his ancestor. But does anything look dumber than a grown man in a track suit jogging on a belt-driven hamster wheel?



And for all that running, Brandon probably still couldn't outrun an angry mountain lion. Or even his fat, lazy house cat.* How's that for progress?

*the average house cat can run up to 30 mph

But it's not just running that looks stupid. No, even something cool like fighting looks stupid, too.

Bryan trains MMA. Boxing, jiu jitsu, Muay Thai, etc. And since he doesn't have time to go to his jiu jitsu school every day, he practices a lot of this at home. Just imagine how fucking stupid he looks.



Unlike his ancestor, who had to fight off thieves trying to pillage his farm, the wolves that preyed on his animals, and the skeezy soldier that made eyes at his wife, no one in modern times has to fight on a daily basis. So when we do it for the sake of a work out, well, it probably looks pretty stupid. And truly, if you want to look like a crazy person to all of your neighbors, just punch and kick the air in front of your open bay window for 60 minutes straight.

But that's not even the dumbest-looking of workouts. You want the king of stupid-looking exercises? How about the home video workout?

zumba is stupid


That's right, we're looking at you, Zumba.

So what we're saying is... there's really no way to work out without looking like a complete idiot. But that's okay. We've come a long way since we had to club our own meals to death, and it's pretty much the only way to keep in shape these days. So please, don't let the appearance of stupidity stop you, because the pros far outweigh the cons.

But the next time you work out and do air squats in your living room, in a coffee-stained t-shirt and sweatpants, while a guy in spandex on your TV yells at you... we just hope you think of us and laugh.

Now then, before we go, we're going to forego our typical Bonehead of the Week so that we can end with a little shameless promotion.

First, be sure and check out our guest post today over at our good friend Alex Cavanaugh's. We've offered some very helpful questionable tips on how to be an awesome writer, complete with illustrations that may or may not include graphic violence and projectile vomiting.


And second, we just released a new science fiction novelette called Empirical Evidence on Amazon. It's e-book only, and best of all, from Monday until Wednesday it's completely free. You can even read it directly on Amazon.com if you don't have a Kindle. So go grab it, read it, enjoy it, review it, tell all your friends, etc! And we'll see you here again next week!



Cheers and stay fit, friends,
B&B

Music: Neon Indian
Beer: Lake Flacid Nippletop

124 comments:

  1. You're right - we do look pretty stupid working out. Running on that hamster wheel. I'll remember that next time I'm at the gym, running in place while watching some bad reality television program.
    Congratulations on the new book and happy to feature you at my site today!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The best part is how the Food Network is always available at the gym. There just seems something so wrong about watching Rachel Ray make a double decker buttercream cake while you're mindlessly burning calories.

      Delete
  2. I've said it before and I'll say it again, toned abdominals are a sign of self-loathing. It means that person is denying him/herself all the things that are good, like all food, booze, leisure time, etc. All for what, vanity? It's sad really. If you're doing sit-ups, you may as well be a cutter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Having a six pack is an INSANE amount of work when it comes to your diet, and for all the working out I do, I'm not ashamed to say that I'd rather have an extra beer and be able to eat dessert than to say I have a few extra muscles that require me to take my shirt off to even show off.

      Delete
    2. This is a great point, Pickleope. Besides, I'm worried about having a toned stomach or a body that looks too good. I mean, I might be tempted to show it off, and people who do that usually seem ridiculous. It's so much safer this way.

      Delete
  3. Are you saying I look dumb when I'm doing my Xbox yoga and calling the instructor a bitch because she's so calm…and bendy? Hmm, perhaps you're right. Maybe I should just give it up and watch some reality television. That's got to be good for mental stimulation, right?

    The copy paper panel made me laugh out loud. There really are people out there who not only bitch about filling the copier but gripe about how heavy a ream of paper is. And, if they get a paper cut while filling the tray, dear God, it's an emergency!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or how about old school Wii Fit, where you have to balance on a glorified scale while shaking your hips and pretending you're doing the hulu hoop? All the while a creepy looking mannequin reminds you that you haven't worked out in 15 whole days, and WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN YOU LAZY ASSHOLE???

      Delete
    2. That made me laugh (and cringe) because I used to do the Wii Fit. Stupid thing. I hated that white plastic board. I sold it for a whopping two dollars at GameStop. They didn't even want it.

      On a side note - I'm halfway through Empirical Empire - you guys did it again. You found a new genre to twist and turn. Loving it!!

      Delete
  4. I sweat like a manatee in heat when I exercise, that's why I hardly leave the house to work out. Also, I get pissed just by looking at the way people behave, so going to the gym is never an ideal option for me. Oh, and, uh, all the girls swarm me when I go to the gym, and my girlfriend doesn't like that. Yep. It's like, I just want to work out, y'know. Leave me alone. Sheesh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you're sweating like a manatee (do those sweat? I imagine them to be foul, so yes, I'm going to say they do) then you're doing your job correctly. I love when you're at the gym and there's that girl in full makeup, on an elliptical, sashaying at a snail's pace while she's talking on her cell phone. Lady, you are doing many things, but "working out" is not one of them.

      And the girls* always swarm me too, Chiz. They're like, "Excuse me, sir, you need to stop yelling at the treadmills," and, "If you don't put pants on, you're going to have to leave."

      *police

      Delete
  5. I don't have much to say about working out, because I don't really work out. The only thing that stops me from being a professional Hutt impersonator is the fact that I walk everywhere. I walk to work and back. I go hiking at weekends. I'll walk up and down places that shouldn't be walked on, such as vertical slopes and farmland. It keeps me out of XL clothes anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's more walking than your typical American does here. We have electric shopping carts that fat people use so they don't have to walk when they grocery shop. Yeah, that's right, people don't even have to walk to get their junk food now. Why? Because fuck yeah 'Murica.

      Delete
  6. I alternate running and working out. But it's something I do all alone, in the dark, and preferably hiding beneath a sheet because, I mean, I'm a little ashamed.

    It's not like masturbation or heroin abuse, where I can bravely do it out in public.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's this guy at the gym who always makes the most ridiculous face when he lifts. Like, one part "I just bit into a lemon," one part "I'm about to sneeze," and two parts "I just farted." He also grunts really hard, but his voice cracks, so he sounds like a pre-teen whale going through puberty.

      What I'm saying is... he should probably just be fat.

      Delete
  7. I do feel very, very self conscious when working out. So much so that I actually feel odd working out even at home. I should just let myself go but I'm completely unable to do so. It makes working out very, very sucky. I'm not really able to do it. At least I lasted more than two months when I first joined the gym.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know that feel, bro. I'm self conscious too. If my wife is in the room, I just have to immediately stop and stare at her awkwardly until she leaves. There's just something about being watched while I'm punching and kicking and jumping that makes me feel like a complete dumbass. But to reiterate, I can't even work out in front of my own married partner. You'd never see me do that kind of stuff at a gym. EVER.

      Delete
  8. "NEVERLAST" - Ha!

    The only thing I work out is my liver... but I think I look pretty cool doing it.

    That illustration of Brandon's ancient relative reminded me of a movie my Brother Nappy and I saw in a theatre when we were really young. This movie was SO-OOO TERRIFYING that it scared... the... living... hell... out of us!

    I saw it once again, circa 1990, when I was all growed up ‘n’ stuffs. And I still found the movie shocking, but for an... entirely... different... reason!

    It is a movie that is SO-OOO BAD that it’s...
    ...not even accidentally funny!

    What movie was it? It was... ‘TROG!’

    It was also (I’m pretty sure) Joan Crawford’s last movie before she died. Too bad for her that she couldn’t have died one movie earlier.

    I linked you to the trailer above. The trailer ALONE gives you an idea about just how bad ‘TROG’ is. And by bad, I don’t mean “bad” - I mean BAD!!!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    ‘Loyal American Underground’

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A half man, half ape with the strength of 20 demons? Wow! So how strong is one demon? Do they have a proper measurement scale for this? I feel like a demon would have to put out at least 10,000 jiggawatts of demon-power.

      This was one of the related clips recommended by Youtube, and I don't regret watching it.

      Trog, Trog, Trog!

      I love that he has a monkey face and a plain human body. A thin, scrawny human body. I can see Trog didn't climb many trees in his day...

      Delete
  9. I don't ever work out most of the time, but I hear if you go to the gym you are required by the cosmos to tell everyone on facebook about it. Even if you go everyday.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't post about working out on Facebook, making my workouts only about 50% as effective. No wonder I don't look like Hercules.

      I hear if you take shirtless selfies a few times a week that your workout effectiveness TRIPLES.

      Delete
    2. I hate the "skipping gym" humble-brags on Facebook the worst. "Ugh... hit the gym three nights this week. But just can't get off my ass tonight. #nomotivation." Seriously?? I usually cut my 20 minutes on the bike in half because I'm afraid the take-out burgers on the counter will get cold.

      Delete
    3. Cut your workout even shorter by just biking to the burger joint and saying to hell with the gym! Calorie intake: 1000. Calories burned: 100. I'd still chalk that up as a comparative win.

      Delete
  10. Your two ancestors made me laugh til the tears ran down my face. They should have their own blog! Seriously.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "The Adventures of Trog and Farmer John. In this week's episode, Trog isn't able to kill the mammoth so he starves to death in the cold, and Farmer John's wife gets murdered by soldiers."

      Instant hilarity!!

      Delete
  11. haha so that is why the cats sit there and give me a wtf look when I workout. I have to say Yoga is probably one of the ones that makes you look the most moronic. Standing on ones head or legs wide open as you stand on your neck, yep, glad I do it at home. I do that p90x routine every week, I could sell tickets how dumb I look doing it haha

    Congrats on the new book too!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've done P90x, and I've done the P90x yoga, and you're right, it's hard to take yourself seriously as Tony Horton tells you to bend like a pretzel while balancing on one leg, now touch your right hand to your left knee and point your hand toward the ceiling. It's like the world's most embarrassing game of Twister.

      Delete
  12. Yep, our bodies are obsolete for today's environment. What we actually need are robotic bodies with just our brains and reproductive organs placed in the metal or plastic or fiberglass body. It could actually be personal preference and could even be changed from time to time. And people would say stuff like, "hey, that's a cool fiberglass bod...what model?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't disagree with you. The only reason I work out is to stay healthy and not die of a heart attack when I'm 45. Also, I don't want to look like a gelatinous slug. So if I could have a kickass robot body that meant I could spend all of that work out time on writing... I would. In a heartbeat.

      Delete
  13. A part of this gave me an idea for today's post. Oh boy!
    No denying though, when you think about it the concept of working out is pretty lame. But at the very least, Brandon, you could go running outside. You know, enjoy nature (or lethal city smog) while you're at it.
    Congrats on the release, I'm picking up my free copy right now because I'm that much of a cheapskate!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hurray for being niggardly! (That word isn't racist, which is why I love using it)

      In all fairness, Brandon does run outside, but the mental image of him waddling on a treadmill like an adult-sized hamster was too much to pass up for the sake of this post.

      Delete
    2. >>... Hurray for being niggardly!

      You RACIST S.O.B.!

      I'll bet you voted against Obama because he's Black and you are...

      ...Beer-Yellow!

      ~ D-FensDogg
      [Who is Beer-Yellow but not "yellow" enuf to admit he voted against Obama because he was too Yellow to admit to the Americonned People that he was mo' Red than Black. ...Wha'? It seemed to make sense before I re-read it.]

      Delete
  14. Working out really is stupid. Especially now, when there are supplements to help you achieve that athletic body. I use meth, and I've never looked or felt better. Except for the spiders under my skin.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I use anabolic steroids, and the shriveled raisin testicles, the bitch tits, and the dick that no longer functions is totally worth the muscles I'll never need or use in every day life!

      Delete
  15. I never did like the treadmill, or running. Walking outside in the fresh air is my preference, and weights do produce results over time. Liked the comic strip, except the last frame. . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's okay, after years of pummeling that poor bag, Bryan had it coming.

      Delete
  16. Funny, funny stuff. I got my copy of the book! Best of luck with it :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. My coworker and I had been walking a few miles a day. Since I fell down the steps and sprained my ankle, and it doesn't want to heal completely, we just sit around and think about walking.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey now, thinking about it still burns a number of calories. That number being zero.

      Delete
  18. See? This is why I don't work out.

    Well, this and because I'm lazy.

    Well, this and because I'm lazy and because if I stray too far from the leftover pizza in the 'fridge someone else might eat it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Back in Farmer John's day, he didn't have the option of gorging himself on leftover pizza. Since we do, well, we need to indulge... in his honor... or something like that.

      Delete
  19. Working out does look stupid. I prefer to exercise at home because of that very reason. I don't need anyone gawking at my stupidity. Although, The Husband claims his favorite form of entertainment is sitting on the couch eating a meatball sub while watching me work out...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Watching a woman work out CAN be hot, but only if it's slow moving yoga. Once you get into the fast moving Tae-Bo jump around like an idiot kind of stuff, then that hotness goes right out the window.

      Delete
    2. Wait a minute, as a child of the 80's, I clearly remember being entranced by hours of "Aerobicise" on Showtime. Leg warmers, headbands, makeup like the cover art of Duran Duran's "Rio." And a ten year-old me lusting after women who couldn't get a callback for the "Porky's" shower scene.

      Delete
  20. This is too funny. The drawings make the whole thing come alive.

    Congrats on your book! The cover is great. I got a copy of your book. My husband loves science fiction. I wish you two the best with it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, thank you, and, uh... (where was I?) Ah yes, thank you!

      Delete
  21. I just read your post on Alex's blog. Funny, funny stuff. And congrats on your novelette!

    Working out. My doctor told me last Monday that I needed to so *some sort of exercise* three times a week. Apparently, walking the dog didn't count. I have now been thinking about it for a week. I still haven't come up with anything that I really want to do. Having read this I now know why. Who wants to look silly? On the flip side, I generate a lot of thinking time toward what would happen if some sort of apocalypse took out life as we know it. Only the fit would survive, In other words, we are doomed...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As someone who might be considered fit, I'm sure I'd be just as screwed. Sure I've got some decent speed and endurance, but I don't know the first thing about foraging for food, or building a shelter, or killing something with weapons. In other words, I'm as woefully unprepared for survival as anyone else on this planet. Except for maybe Bear Grylls. But at a certain point, is drinking your own urine worth surviving a few more days?

      Delete
    2. It depends upon the alcohol content of yer urine.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  22. Wha???? I look like a flower blowing through the summer breeze when I work out...

    The tragic part of being Mr. Caveman dude and Bryan's hot distant relative from the Middle Ages is that they didn't have MUSIC. There's nothing better than drowning out my sorrows in loud music while running on the treadmill. :)

    Laughing. <----The lack of exclamation points is my way of showing honesty.

    And off to A-Cav's. And just "bought" your fabulous sci-fi. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. On the contrary. If I've learned anything from the Flintstones, it's that Mr. Caveman has a record player made out of stone, and the needle is a very sad, snarky bird using its beak. Also, Farmer John has one of those horns they blow when they charge into battle. The one that sounds like a sad fart. I'm sure that has to count for something.

      Delete
  23. Ugh. Exercise. Why? Oh, wait. I know why, I just don't like to think about it, so I feel less guilty. I used to do the home workout videos, and then my kids learned how to walk. It's hard getting those steps done right when there's a 4-year-old trying to hang on your leg, "Mommy, I'm thirsty! What are you doing? Why? Can I do it too?" Of course, her idea of exercising with me is to try and trip me as many times as possible...

    Keep on kicking that invisible gorilla, boys! More power to you!

    PS: The revenge of the punching bag was pure genius! And would make for a great book, so get writing! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Working out with children sounds awful. I should know, I was a child once, and I'd do the exact same thing to my mother. I don't know how she put up with it.

      That doesn't put me off from having kids though. See, the prospect of having tiny sparring partners is something I can't just throw out.

      "Stay still. Stop crying. Daddy's trying to work the jab."

      Also, we'd love to write about the punching bag's revenge, but we're already very tied up writing a horror novel about a hamburger that eats a person.

      Delete
  24. While it is really, really, hard to look cool doing squats and lunges..some of the hard-body younguns don't look as ridiculous as me. BUT while I look pretty much like crap in the gym, I suspect looking fat and unhealthy wouldn't look good on me either. So it's a toss up.

    I do have a question today...if cats can run 30 miles and hour, why is Bryan's cat in a choke hold? Is it a stupid cat? Did Bryan ambush it? Does it have bad knees and can no longer run?


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No one looks good doing squats, young or old, especially once you get going and your legs burn like mad and your form starts to falter. On my last rep I probably look like a special needs kid trying to take a dump in the woods.

      Also, God bless my cat and her love of food. She may be smart, but all I have to do is act like I'm going to give her treats and she'll come right to me. She could run 100 mph for all I care; a trusting cat is a cat that easily lands itself in a chokehold.

      Delete
  25. That is HILARIOUS, and so true. I just wrote a Bubblews piece on Zumba, someone gave it to me as a gift, and I can't help feeling like a total idiot every time I attempt it. The worst part, the part I will not even allow myself to try? The rhythmic clapping. You just don't know these things about yourself until you're pushed to your limit. There was no way to see that coming. Thanks for giving me reasons, and a visual of ripped pants, not to try any of these painful-sounding workouts. I'll stick to my usual 12-oz curls and the art of Mai Thai, which is trickier than it seems to get right. (The trick is real lime juice.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My wife tried Zumba once for kicks, and hated every second of it. I think the worst part is just how much they want you to get "into" it. Like you're dancing in the club. It didn't help that she was getting yelled at the whole time by an extremely effeminate gay Brazilian man who was dancing better than she was.

      Delete
  26. Who wants to leave a good looking corpse...not me I tell ya!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is true! But in all fairness, even if I work out until I die, I doubt a (slightly buff?) decrepit 90 year old man is going to leave much of a 'handsome' corpse anyway.

      Delete
  27. Damn. I'm already hard-pressed to work out - looking like a fool factor not included.

    Also. I've done Zumba. But it wasn't at home. It was with 8 other people looking like idiots. Better? No.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's something about doing the same goofy workout in a huge group of people, like one big sweaty choreographed monkey dance, that just makes it even worse.

      Delete
  28. OMG this made me laugh. You see, my engineer husband has ALWAYS maintained that "artificial" working out is stupid when there's so much physical labor that needs to be done around here. All their lives, our boys have lugged around firewood, patio pavers, bags of dry "soon to be cement" (80# a piece, just FYI for accuracy mathematically and all that), and DIRT. I probably shouldn't say this, but my mad inventor husband needed another room for his inventions, so he made one. Out of our crawl space. For literally years they lugged two 5 gallon bucket loads of dirt up the stairs every night. Each. I'm not kidding when I say that currency around here was, "Well, you can have that Blizzard if you have enough buckets." We kept track in a ledger. It was like a bank account.
    Yes, they finished. The Engineer now has a room that is completely done: he of course reinforced the walls with ribar, cinder blocks, and cement, complete with a moisture barrier. Who carried those (oh, to be accurate, probably a million) cinder blocks downstairs to build those walls and floors? They did.

    Now here's the kicker. Yes, I do have a point to this rambling, braggish comment. The Transporter takes weight lifting for his PE requirements. The football coach is the teacher. The jocks fill his class. He's not a jock. So one day they were having that kind of contests that only boys make up, trying to prove their manhood through physical feats. One of the lineman was doing leg presses with 180#s. He did two. My son, who is tired of being ridiculed for not being a football player says I can do more than that. Then they went on and on and in the end my kid did 10 reps of 300#s. He's kinda legendary now, and they refer to it as "that leg day". No one gives him any crap anymore. They did ask how he got that strong. "I've been lugging shit around my house since I was a kid. I'm strong. It's just that it's man strength, not gym strength". Love my kid. Thanks for letting me write a post in your comments.
    Tina @ Life is Good
    A to Z Team @ Blogging From A to Z April Challenge 2014
    @TinaLifeisGood, #atozchallenge
    http://www.facebook.com/TinaLifeIsGood

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tina, you leave the most awesome comments. Thank you. That story was awesome. And while I'm probably not as strong as The Transporter, this is why I appreciate man strength over gym strength. I lift relatively light weights to throw some diversity into my work outs, but heavy lifting is lost on me. I've never bench pressed a day in my life, and I have no desire to even find out how much I can bench.

      That doesn't mean I'm not strong, though. I was raised like The Transporter, and every summer my mom and dad always took so-called family vacation. What was family vacation? Hint: anything but a vacation. My parents took this as an opportunity to remodel a part of the house, thereby working harder than they would at their usual day jobs. And I was always involved.

      I'll spare you the details, but as an example, one year (I was 15 or 16) they had me help them tear up all the grass in the front yard and then I painstakingly replaced it with decorative rock. Just me, a shovel, and 1,000 lbs of rock in the bed of my dad's pickup truck. It busted my ass good.

      So if the jocks want to lift weights to be 'strong,' good for them. But I find man work much more rewarding. And functional. And a lot harder on the muscles. Plus, think how much money we've saved over the years doing the work ourselves. That's priceless.

      Delete
    2. Oh so you really get me! You get me! And I forgot to say thanks for the book. Thanks. What a lovely surprise. Free is my favorite price, but I'd pay a lot for one of you books. By the way, really enjoyed your bit at Alex's. As someone who hasn't seen or read anything Twilight, I really appreciated that joke. Rock on Beer Boys.
      ~Tina

      Delete
  29. I saw Bryan's butt. heheheh
    I can catch a house cat. Mine hasn't managed to get away, yet. Except that one time when he made it into someone's backyard, and I didn't want to look like I was breaking in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's not my butt. That's my flesh colored spanx.

      Try wiping THAT image from your mental gallery!

      Delete
  30. Correction....

    *the average house cat can run up to 30 mph

    Should read-

    *the average house cat can run up to 30 mph, but realizes it isn't worth the effort

    LC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is 100% true.

      I think the last time I saw my cat run was 2011, and even that was probably a fluke. These days she spends her time curled up in a big fat lump on the couch, the animal instinct deep within, just waiting to strike...

      Just kidding, she's fat and lazy, she's not going anywhere. Half the time she even plays with anything anymore she's still laying down while playing. How half-assed is that?

      Delete
    2. Mine is about 7, and he is still a little active (he runs for the food dish), but he used to be able to jump up to things that he can't get to any more.

      He's a long-hair that I shave each summer-so I tease him a little in the winter about getting fat, but mostly it's hair.

      Too bad I can't pull that one off.

      I am convinced that all the noise you hear about indoor cats living longer is just that-I have had three in a row make it fourteen. My last outdoor cat (I left her with my parents when I moved out) made it to more than twenty.

      Delete
    3. Mine is a short hair who's just fat. 16 lbs of cat fury. She weighs more than 3 of my dogs.

      My luck with cats has been the exact opposite. Of the four cats I've ever had in my lifetime (fatso being one, and she's only 4), the only outdoor one I've had only lived to 11. Of the indoor cats, one lived to 19, and the other is still active and kicking at 15, me having gotten that cat when *I* was 15.

      Delete
  31. You guys are doing sci fi now? Awesome. You're getting a good keyboard workout - with all your publications. Congratulations! Thanks for the free download too.

    PS I did think of you when I bought and ate the stout choc bar. But please drop by and cut down your slogan to 20 words. I don't want to have to disqualify you for breaking the rules - since people like Al Penwasser probably agonized over the word limit to create beautiful sentiment.

    Cheers,
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. According to Google an average person burns about 102 calories per hour by typing. If this is true, then maybe I just need to churn out a few more novels and I'll have that shredded six pack I've always dreamed of. Because calorie burn totally works like that, and I'm sure the site I went to was 100% reputable.

      Delete
  32. 1. I totally agree. I have often thought how weird it is that we pay hundreds of dollars for machines that simulate real physical labor, instead of doing real physical labor. It's totally why I don't work out and not at all laziness.

    2. I don't remember at all the context of us mentioning you guys on the podcast this week. I hope it was nice? If it wasn't nice, the mean part was totally Boyfriend and not me. I'm nice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is why I refuse to pay for an expensive gym membership or to get something like a bowflex. Don't tell me that you have to spend thousands of dollars to get something that your average hunter/gatherer got for free, just for not being a lazy ass.

      Delete
  33. Exercise????

    Sad part is, even though I'm fat, got bad legs and bad knees, I can still walk/run circles around my fat lazy 21 year old.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is why I've always believed that health is more than just what you look like. I've got an ex sister in law who's 5'10, 110 lbs, and looks like a super model. She also eats McDonald's 3 times a day, smokes like a train, and I bet her insides are just a black pit of rancid death.

      Delete
  34. Pretty sad commentary about the state of humans these days. Unfortunately, it's true.

    Loved your guest post at Alex's pad!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! And I guess in a way it's progress... I mean, we don't have to spend 8 hours hunting, killing, skinning, and preparing a meal. But now just being in shape requires special diets and gym memberships. Damned if you do, damned if you don't, right?

      Delete
  35. I do my working out in the water, currently at the pool. In the past just swimming and kicking with fins, recently I've been in a water cardio class. Since we're all in the deep end, we don't look too silly (I think), but I have imagined what it would be like in a 'Sea World' type pool with those underwater windows, where people can come by and gawk. Stupid is not a strong enough word. YIKES! I may be ready to get back to a warmer climate and up for some open water swimming, at least fish don't laugh. I did think that my ancestors probably had gills and a tail - that didn't sound right.

    AND Lake Flacid Nippletop Beer??? - one more good reason I'll stick to wine.

    I'm also swearing off reading all the comments (for more than one reason) and clicking on all the links? Holy carp!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beside the "dinner and a movie" gift I got, I also got a "beer of the month" club from my dear brother in law. And FAE, the beer is awful. Lake Placid Nippletop is one of them. It's such an awful name for such an awful beer that I felt compelled to call it Lake Flacid. It's the least I can do.

      Also, I'm 30 years old and I still can't swim. Yeah, I said it.

      Delete
  36. Y'all are so funny. Mostly I just walk. But sometimes I get more motivated. Loved your post at Alex's.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nothing wrong with walking. I've heard that walking 45 minutes a day burns more calories and is more effective at burning fat than sitting mindlessly pedaling on an elliptical.

      Delete
  37. It's becoming so bad that a walk is a foreign thing to most people. They stare at you just for walking down the street.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We have a beautiful 20 mile long nature trail behind my housing development and I'm routinely one of maybe 5 people using it any given time, no matter how beautiful the weather is...

      Delete
  38. Almost as bad as getting more paper is putting a new roll of paper towels on the holder in the office kitchen. My god that involves ripping plastic and everything!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, right? It's like, hey, what am I, your secretary? I'm too busy doing man things.

      Delete
  39. Wow, you guys are profilic! Congrats!

    I would rather go run outside, but the snow and my ankles won't let me, so I'm using home gym equipment and probably looking like an idiot. But then I get to play my awesome cheesy 80s music.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 80s music is not good for many things, but one thing it's definitely good for is a workout montage.

      Delete
  40. And that's why I have a personal trainer. If I'm going to look like an idiot, at least I'm not going to break my neck doing it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tombstone engraving: "D. Wei died doing what he loved - getting crushed by a weight he was woefully unprepared to lift."

      Delete
  41. I can totally relate to the self-conscious part, as I started working with a physical therapist to strengthen my back. The whole time I kept wondering what this poor kid was viewing at every angle during my stretching routine. Though I was sporting a three piece sweatsuit, I'm sure that he saw and felt things that shouldn't be seen in the light of day.

    Great guest post at Alex's, and thank you so much for your new novelette! I'm sure it will be extremely entertaining! Best of luck, B & B!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anyone getting eyeballed by a personal trainer while they do some really embarrassing movement has to stop and wonder what exactly their trainer is seeing. Perhaps it's better not to know.

      Delete
  42. I guess if farmers were smart, when it came time to load bales of hay from the field into their trucks, they'd call it a gym and have people pay them to help out. It wouldn't look stupid and they'd be ripped in no time.

    Well, I used to do it all the time growing up, and I stayed pretty scrawny. But whatever, it would work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's funny to see those crossfit guys who lift a sledgehammer overhead and repeatedly strike the edge of a huge tire. I just think, "Isn't there some firewood you could be chopping right now?"

      Delete
  43. ah February it is, that means it is time to start working out again so the world doesn't think i made a new years resolution, i am so smart. I actually yell back at my workout instructors on dvd...i look so stupid yes! Thanks for the free book it is already on my kindle and will be read on the plane!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Elitist gym member: I hate going to the gym in January because everyone's going to think I'm one of those New Years resolution chumps.

      You, on the other hand, have it all figured out!

      Delete
  44. I think it's the concept of training for MMA that sounds more stupid than it looks. Anything that looks like it'd be dangerous to get in front of us usually less stupid looking than I hope.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hate telling people I train MMA because any douchebag in a Tapout shirt always says they train MMA when they very clearly don't. I just train the fundamentals because I like it and I think it's a fun workout. So don't expect to see any future blog entries where I'm announcing my stepping into any kind of cage. I like my brain cells unrattled.

      Delete
  45. "In a typical day, no heavy lifting or fighting or killing is involved."

    I'm a computer programmer... so obviously this doesn't apply to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As a guy who used to do QA for programmers and had to critique their work, I can confirm that it was vital to come to work with a trident and gladiatorial net in case shit went down.

      Delete
  46. Every time I see someone exercise I think 'they look so stupid'. Can you imagine if there's life on another planet and they look down on us through big telescopes when we're doing yoga or something? They're going to think we're absolute idiots.

    Sometimes I like to slide around the supermarket with one foot propelling me forward and one sliding behind. My philosophy is: if you're going to exercise, you might as well do the most stupid-looking thing you can think of.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes to the alien thing, especially if that yoga is that weird "hot" yoga, where it's crucial that a bunch of women are hot-boxed in some uncomfortably sauna-like room, so aliens looking down would just see a bunch of women sweating like pigs while trying to stand in awkward poses.

      "People often ask if there's intelligent life out there. But that's kind of arrogantly assuming that we're intelligent life." - Neil deGrasse Tyson

      Delete
  47. I think you could make a lot of money by selling those 'gym rat' tshirts! I love this post, it's so true. Looking forward to getting the new book on my kindle x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But could I sell out, knowing that my customer list was 99% roided out douche-bros?

      Yes, yes I could. Very easily.

      Delete
  48. I don't mind looking silly when moving heavy inanimate objects from one place to the same place - because frankly I look silly when lifting things like pencils and mugs and those mysterious bits of paper you get from supermarkets anyway.

    It's a feature of the model, I think.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the great part about being awkward, is that you only look slightly more awkward while working out. Suddenly the playing field is level! Take that, graceful people!

      Delete
  49. Everytime I feel like exercising I just lay down until the feeling goes away!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You burn 100 calories per hour sleeping. So a full night's sleep is basically like a really hard workout.

      Delete
  50. I have thought about this so many times as I'm running around in circles on a track, or doing the elliptical. And it's not just our ancestors...when I lived in Honduras, those people did not have to work out, they got plenty of exercise just living life. I ran while I was there and they all thought I was nuts. They REALLY thought I was crazy when I would pull my roller blades out and skate around the clinic when it was closed :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just reading this makes me want to dig up my neon green rollerblades, jump in a time machine, and go back to 1996 when I was so freaking cool for blasting around the neighborhood on those things.

      Delete
  51. Oh damn I tried to skate in my living room the other night. My triple lutz put me in a tail spin and I tripped over my ankle. Life just isn't the same...off to do walking lunges and push ups then lift my bird dog and see if he can fly!
    Growing up I use to have to split wood and stack it and walk to school! Thank God-not grandpa's way-10 miles up hill barefoot in a blinding snow storm! ;D You guys make me think....off to try moguls.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, who needs working out when you can just lunge everywhere you go?

      Delete
  52. After losing 35 lbs and having everything become flabby and head south, I have been doing toning exercises. I was doing good until my damn knee decided it had enough. The meds have help and I am slowly back to exercising. I have to admit, I am not one for exercising either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a knee that decides to go out from time to time. Really makes working out difficult. Thank God for the 12 ounce beer curl, though.

      Delete
  53. Don't forget the gym bunnies taking selfies. Two reps done, now must take selfies to prove that I love working out. But, your post is pretty accurate. Lifting those reams of paper is hard work... :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I always love when I go to the gym and I see a girl in full makeup walking slowly on the treadmill while talking on her cellphone. I just think, if you were truly working out that makeup would not still be on your face and you wouldn't have enough breath to talk.

      Delete
  54. This was funny enough, but rather than laughing I found myself mostly nodding in agreement. You'll never find me in any gym. When I need exercise I'll do something like walk to Walmart and buy something to carry back home with me. Then there's always the garage--I can move stuff around and restack it. Maybe I can even find some crap to carry to the trash can. Instead of idly working out people can do something useful like physical work.

    Lee
    An A to Z Co-Host
    Tossing It Out

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's amazing how healthy someone can be just from doing something as simple as walking. You don't need to be a powerlifter or some kind of crazy crossfit nut just to be healthy.

      Delete
  55. I'm just about at the point where I'm geeking out over fitness. Yesterday I was off from work, lounging around genuinely counting down until it was time to go to the gym. Today on my walk to work I was thinking about Wednesday night's workout.

    ReplyDelete
  56. I really have no idea if you still reply to this article OP....But here it goes anyways....
    Seriously??? Are you this freaking lazy that you made an article about it...?In which you are implying that sitting all the fucking day eating things which do not differ much from pure SHIT except for the taste is the new way to go??While also promoting the fact that not being able to ultilize your body's capabilities to the max is reasonable and ''cool'' just because Humans are not exposed and dont have to fight for THEIR LIVES to keep away LETHAL animals which could KILL US???
    OK....I guess you are right by your own standards.......But why the HELL are you whinning about it???WHY the hell you advise everyone to look like a weak blob ??why the fuck are you promoting bad evolutionary changes which resemble a naked Santa Claus if you dont care??
    I will tell you why...Beacause you are a weak fatass which does not have the strength to outrun or even carry a toddler....Because you are so lazy and mediocore that you think being the sheep you already are is healthy and original due to the mere fact that it is easy for todays first world life standards ....Which also shows how close-minded you are..All Righty then... have fun being weak.... have fun being a fattass ...have fun having a chest which resembles a woman with overgrown hair production...while in the mean time having to deal with a HUUUGE Ball in your stomach.....by the way.... how is your doublechin doing.... i am sure it is amazing to have layers of fat around your bone structure....have ever witnessed your jawline by the way??or your cheekbones fatty??....How long has it been since the last time you saw Your own Penis???Not to mention the last time you used it because i am sure not one attractive woman would even look at a blob like you twice...When was the last time you had definition in your body and the time you could differ the tricep from the bicep ??....and even the time when your legs did not resembled sticks with skin and hair??
    Yeah yeah... i guess it would look pretty stupid to FUCKING ultilize what you were made for DESPITE the circumstances...and i guess dinstinguishing you from a mile away just because the beer gut you have worked SO ''HARD'' for is less stupid and i guess even cool???And... if you ever feel hot or want to swim a bit at a nearby beach i am pretty sure you would not preffer to have a strong and shredded legs ,back, chest, and abs and along with that a defined face because... you know...thats what....ummm ...being healthy does to you....i am sure you are pretty content with your pointy tits and ballon gut and your ball looking face....ohhh you want to carry your girl??? sorry you are not that stupid to be able to do that..and something else.....i heard you are dying at 40 due to heart diseases.. arterie issues or even cancer....... :/ Thats a shame..But you will die happy because you weren't supid right?? I am sure people will remember how smart you were and that your words changed their miserable lives by advising them to become worse....Right fatty??? have fun ...
    P.S Not a butthurt here...But I've had it with lazy abominations like the shitty ass person you are!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The two of us are actually not even sure why you're so mad or what you're referencing, since you clearly didn't read the post. The point of the post was that modern humans don't have to be as physical as they once were, so working out seems silly when we're really just 'simulating' the labor we did in the past. It looks pretty ridiculous from the exterior. I mean, doesn't it?

      It also mentions that regardless of how stupid it looks we're still going to do it, because we don't want to be those fat amorphous blobs you seem to love whining about. There's pictures of us all over this blog, in which you can see that we're anything but fat.

      As for me personally, I train jiu jitsu and Muay Thai about an hour every day, in addition to occasional lifting and HIIT (high intensity interval training) to mix things up. If you'd read the post, you would very clearly have seen that. Not sure what about any of that is lazy or unhealthy, but just to clarify, neither of us eat like junk. You can't look like we do and eat nothing but garbage.

      I just think it's ironic that you spent more time replying to a post than you did actually reading it. Just remember, it's easy to look tough behind your computer. It's harder to actually go to the gym and do it.

      Delete
    2. You tell 'em! I was going to say the exact same thing to B&B here, except Franz hadn't shown up yet, and I didn't know if calling them Girly Men on my own would carry enough weight.

      Delete
    3. Katy? How did you find your way here? I didn't think people read these old things, except for Google searchers looking for something else (like "hot sexy men lifting weights at the gym" - sorry, Google lurker, it's just a bunch of cartoon goofballs lifting cows and ripping their pants 'round these parts).

      I tried to "pump myself up," Hanz, but instructions were unclear. Genitals got stuck in ceiling fan. Help?

      Delete
  57. I’m Mercy brown by name I have a few testimony to share with you all about myself, I was in a relationship with this guy and for 3years and we were about getting married when we both have misunderstanding with each other and he ask me for a divorce and we both agreed and after 4months I head that he was having an affair with one of my closest friend and I was very upset and worried so a friend of my advice me and told me if I still love my ex and if I really want to have him back so I told her yes, and she ask me to contact Dr. Madurai the spell caster and I did although I never believe on spell so he gave me something when he was casting the spell and ask me to say my wishes on it and after the casting of the spell a receive a phone call from my ex and was ask me at which I did and now we are back together again I’m so happy and I wish not to ever have this mistake again in my life. I will also advice anyone with this kind of issue to contact him for help he is really nice on phone and always there to answer you question giving you the good advice that you need. his email is maduraitemple@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete