Monday, February 24, 2014

The Amazing Awesomeness of Being Gluten-Free

Good day to you, peoples of the internet. We hope you're all doing well today, or are at least doing a good job of faking it. Today, we'd like to share an outstanding revelation with you. You see, we've been hearing quite a bit about the newest health craze of gluten-free eating, and while Bryan still isn't convinced, Brandon has decided to dive headfirst into the regimen.

Because it's not just a diet. It's a lifestyle.









Things like "saturated fats" and "calories" and "trans fats" are irrelevant. The real enemy of the digestive system is the gluten, and thanks to this new diet (errr, sorry, lifestyle), we can now stop this nasty virus from infiltrating our stomachs altogether.

And the fun doesn't stop there. Gluten-free folks don't have to limit their meals to eating store-bought food at home, because virtually every restaurant has a handy gluten-free menu now. In fact, there are restaurants that are even specifically gluten-free!











So Brandon's been eating gluten-free cheeseburgers and gluten-free fried chicken and gluten-free ice cream cake for weeks and he feels like a million bucks. Not like that hater Bryan, who still isn't sold on the diet. Errr, lifestyle.





And there you have it, folks. One of us is going to go on living a healthier and more productive life despite the fact that his doctor so foolishly never recommended it, and one of us is going to continue eating all that vile, horrible gluten that humans have unbelievably been dumping down their throats for centuries without a single problem.*

*only an estimated 1% of the US population has celiac disease, which is a medical intolerance to gluten

Any gluten-free'rs in the house?

Cheers and stay healthy, folks,
-B&B

Beer: Apricot Blonde (Dry Dock)
Music: Rezonate





121 comments:

  1. We put sugar in place of the wheat. I buy that.
    Did you try the driftwood? I heard it's high in fiber. High in sodium as well, so maybe it is bad for you.

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    1. Let's just say I know someone who's gluten-free and they shared their gluten-free cupcake recipe with me. You really just add more sugar and butter in place of the flour.

      Oh, and the driftwood is amazing. It's roasted to fall-off-the-bone tenderness after being marinated in a fine selection of oils and spices, leading to a truly memorable dining experience.*

      *Emergency room

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  2. I had to try an elimination diet for my migraines. Gluten was part of the mix of stuff to eliminate. My son was like, "What? No ketchup? How can you eat french fries?" Thankfully, it didn't last long. I'm back to eating gluten.

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    1. Ketchup has gluten in it? What kind of black magic is this?

      Also, now that you've gone back to eating the evil that is gluten, I hope you've accepted a lifestyle of bloating, morbid obesity, and rectal cancer.

      Delete
    2. That's what I heard about ketchup. It's the devil's condiment.

      Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some wheat toast to eat...

      Delete
    3. I thought ketchup was just bad because of all of the high fructose corn syrup. "How can we ruin liquid tomatoes? I know, let's put candy in it!"

      Delete
  3. I'm really glad I don't have celiac disease or any food allergies. For the few foods that do have gluten, their "free" versions are awfully expensive.

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    1. I was looking at the gluten-free frozen pizzas this weekend and a plain cheese pizza that serves one person is $9.99. It sure costs a lot to take out ingredients, doesn't it?

      Patron: "Hey chef, make this exact same pizza, but DON'T put in flour."
      Chef: "Oh man, that's gonna cost you double."

      Delete
  4. I know not one, but two people, who are actually gluten intolerant. So on the one hand all this gluten free stuff might annoy me a bit, but on the other I know how expensive gluten free food can be because of the lack of demand. Maybe all this new demand will increase supply, and make the lives of people who are actually gluten free a little easier. One of the people I know actually feels terrible about her intolerance because it costs so much for her mum to feed just her. So I can see the upside to all this stuff.

    As for me, gimme gluten.

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    1. Gluten-free isn't annoying for those who need it, but it's funny to hear people say things like "I feel sooo much better since cutting gluten out of my diet" while having no medical reason for doing it. Or for using it as a diet plan. I don't care what kind of cupcakes you eat - gluten-free, vegan, non GMO, whatever - NO cupcake is healthy, and is not a diet food.

      Delete
  5. Uggg don't even get me ranting on that haha some people are just nut jobs that go all hypochondriac and say they have it. Then others do it because they think it is cool. Although the gluten they use now a days is more potent than what they used before, it was naturally derived I guess and now it is more made, like all the other gmo crap. For me I have to stay away from the shit unless I want to end up in a wheelchair, yep, that bad a reaction to the shit. Fried my nervous system completely. Sucks a ton, but oh well. My back was out in 10 spots, neck completely off spine and it was all gluten, also made me sensitive to emf, which super sucks. So to anyone who says gluten doesn't affect some people, I'll bend over and they can kiss my gluten free ass lol

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    1. And I never buy any of that gluten free crap anyway, because guess what? Most have it still has gluten in it. They just can say gluten free if it is below a certain percentage. Clean food is all tat goes in me.

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    2. I have chronic migraines and my doctor also recommended "clean eating." No more processed foods. More vegetables. It has made a big difference in the positive direction. I think the chemicals in our foods have more to do with illness than anyone realizes... good for you on figuring that out!

      Delete
    3. I'm in the same boat. Just give me simple meats, fruits, and vegetables. It's not the gluten in those twinkies that are making you fat, average American - it's the 90 other chemically processed ingredients, one of which shares the same chemical compound as yoga mats.

      Delete
  6. You're too smart for your own good, Bryan.

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    1. Oh, I'm not that smart. I still did eat the driftwood.

      Delete
  7. This blog has become very anti-healthy living. First workouts and now gluten-free diets.

    I watched "This the End" last night, and Seth Rogan and Jay Baruchel have a conversation very much like this at the beginning of the movie. Rogan says that humans are supposed to take a shit 6 times a day and goes on to say that yeah, he still smokes pot though, because "I'm not psychotic. There are no glutens in weed."

    I'll stick to how I live now, I think. I've seen old people, and I'm not crazy about doing the whole old age thing.

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    1. I had to Google that clip, and while it was funny, I should point out that as the voice of reason my actual voice doesn't sound anything like Jay Baruchel's nasally, grating rat-person voice, which is a huge victory in itself.

      Delete
  8. A lady I know became very sick several years ago. Actually, I think she started getting sick earlier than that, but when you deteriorate slowly you don't notice as much. Anyway, it got so bad a few years ago she became bedridden. She saw 19 doctors before being diagnosed correctly. (I am glad she was so determined, because she ended up traveling all over the state.) Turns out she has celiac disease and hypoglocemia, which you treat just like diabetes. With breads, you don't add more sugar so gluten-free breads aren't such a big deal, but she just stopped eating desserts. It was too difficult. Anyway, the good news is that once she took gluten and sugar out of her diet she is now healthy and active.

    Part of the problem with diagnosing Celiac disease is that doctors often don't even test for it. I think the symptoms are extremely varied in how it affects people. It took her 19 doctors before ONE of them thought to even test for celiac disease and hypoglycemia. The other 18 just told her that there was nothing wrong with her, she was getting older (yeah, because it's natural to be bedridden at 60), or it really was in her head. So, I think the numbers of people with celiac disease are higher than 1 in 100... given that we have a medical system that doesn't test for it like they should.

    However, choosing to go gluten free if you don't have a problem with gluten is a bit crazy. Gluten free is more expensive at the grocery store and crazy expensive at restaurants. I ate gluten free for about a year. My migraines were getting bad and I found this book that suggested eating according to your blood type. Four diets, one for each blood type. I am an A so gluten was off the table (along with a whole bunch of other things). I ate according to the diet with no deviation for a month. During that time I felt so much better... no migraines, more energy, the works. So, I kept at it for about a year. Eventually, it became so much work that little things start creeping back in. Now I avoid things I know that I am allergic to, but that is about it.

    The doctor that I started seeing a year ago (my migraines are horribly chronic and out of control) said that processed foods with all of the chemicals were something to avoid and I should eat more veggies because I am lacking the enzyme that makes the folic acid in your body actually work. Doing those two things and avoiding foods I am allergic to has helped a great deal. Still have daily migraines, but not as debilitating as they were.

    BTW, I know that you were having fun with this one. Sorry if all of this talk about health issues was a downer...

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    1. Ha! The information in this comment was well worth the downer. I completely agree with you that those who don't need to cut out glutens, who are doing so, should really just cut out processed ingredients. Hell, we all should do that. Once I started doing that a few years back my body felt a million times better.

      This post was mostly just a jab at those who use this as a fad diet, particularly those who still eat the same junk foods as before. They just seem to think that "gluten-free" somehow means "healthy for you."

      I kid you not when I tell you that the opening scene of this post was modeled after me watching two hipsters in the potato chip aisle. One of whom said, "Wait, grab the gluten-free ones, man. I'm on a diet now."

      Think about that sentence. And then laugh.

      Delete
  9. Have you tried the gluten-free beer 'Omission'? Beer-drinking has never been so good for you!

    Of course, anyone who is at least 40 years old already knows that in 10-20 years the "experts" will be reversing themselves and telling all-us-all that gluten is essential for a well-functioning body and that 85% of us don't get enough gluten in our diet.

    Hang around on this planet long enough and you'll see EVERYTHING the experts once told you completely reversed by a new generation of experts (and sometimes the very same experts, only with more grey hair).

    I've learned to think for myself and ignore all the experts. Scientists, Economists, Evangelists, 'Rate Beer' Reviewer-ists... they can all go jump in a lake (preferably a big, deep, frozen lake that kills their gluten-free asses).

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Hmmm, so where do scientists currently stand on eggs? 10 years ago they said eggs were full of cholesterol and fat, which made them terrible for you. Then they said that those fats are actually GOOD fats, so eggs are good for you. Then they said you need those fats in moderation, so be careful eating eggs. But that might have changed in the last 48 hours.

      What I'm saying is, I really want to make this omelet, but I don't feel like I can start it until I know it won't kill me.

      Delete
    2. MAKE the omelet!

      Because if the omelet don't kill ya,
      something else will!

      Hmmmm... sounds like those lines could be the basis of a song that might go to #1 on the Billboard charts for 8 straight weeks beginning in 1955.

      I'm like a retro-prophet.

      ~ D-FensDogg

      Delete
  10. Worry about gluten? Nah...if I run out of things to worry about, maybe then but gluten is way, way down on the list.

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    1. That made me laugh out loud. Yes, absolutely. I've got the NSA watching my every move, waiting to take what I say or do out of context, people now murder each other in traffic over the dumbest shit, and according to science everything will give you cancer.

      Gluten isn't even on the top 1,000 list of things I'm worried about.

      Delete
  11. I have a good friend that works in a hospital and she said that "gluten free" is the new buzz word....words actually. People that have no known allergies have gone "gluten free". It's as if they think of it in the same way as buying organic...that it is in some way a better way to eat. I love your cartoons. I think you have it right when you say "you have no idea in hell what gluten is, do you?"

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    1. Sadly, I bet 90% of the people who are on the gluten-free diet purely as a fad diet (and are not medically allergic to it) could not even explain, in simple terms, what a gluten is or why it's allegedly bad for them.

      I think people just really want to believe that a cupcake or fried chicken or double-chocolate-chunk cookies can SOMEHOW be good for them to excuse their eating it.

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    2. I'd love for there to be a game show where the host challenges contestants to provide a simple definition for something they go on endlessly about, but really have no idea what it is. Tonight's Episode: Gluten, the Debt Ceiling, and the Constitution!

      Delete
    3. Oh, uh, uh, wait, I know this one!

      The Debt Ceiling is when the money piles up to the roof and the building just can't handle any more, right? And the solution to fix that is easy.

      "Sir, I propose that we literally and metaphorically raise the roof on this bitch."

      -Senator Macklemore, 3rd District

      Delete
  12. Love this! It's like the red licorice that's labeled 'fat free'. Of courseit's 'fat free', is'tabout pure sugar. People live a fad, a cure all for their ills. I admit some people DO have a problem, but that is SOME people, not everyone.

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    1. Yes, I've always gotten a kick out of "fat free" candy. I also love that yogurt is the new diet food. Forget the fact that your typical yogurt has as much sugar or more than a sugary breakfast cereal - skinny women are eating it in commercials! It must be good for you!

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  13. Neat! I know someone who can't eat gluten. She's annoying. Not sure if there's a correlation. Has Brandon become increasingly annoying (or was he annoying already)?

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    1. Brandon was pretty annoying to begin with, but now when we go out to restaurants and he has to be THAT guy, he's even more annoying.

      "Yeeeeah, does this lemon water have gluten in it? Because I can't HAVE that."

      Delete
  14. Vegetarians annoy me the most. So, I read this entire post replacing gluten free everything with vegetarian. And those picky eaters - I can't eat mushrooms I don't like the shape, broccolis look like little tree so must be tasteless and Brussels sprouts look like midgets of cabbages.
    Did you see ABC's 20/20 about people with "condition" which will not allow them to eat anything other than French fries?

    I have a wonderful treatment for them - send them to Sudan or India to areas where people die everyday because of hunger.

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    1. What about vegans? I saw a great online video the other day from a self-righteous vegan about how Jenna Marbles the "Internet Star" is now "fat" because she no longer follows a vegan lifestyle. They show a clip where Jenna Marbles is talking about eating McDonald's hamburgers because she just loves them so much, and they say, "See? She's eating meat. No wonder she's so fat."

      Yes, that's right, it has nothing to do with the fact that she's eating an 800 calorie hamburger. No, it's purely the meat that's making her gain that 5 lbs. So everyone stop eating meat!

      Delete
  15. My wife is mostly gluten free. Celiac disease runs in her family. I on the other hand am pretty sure I'm allergic to gluten-free.

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    1. If you've ever tried the awful piss-water that is gluten-free beer, you'd know that someone like myself would rather die than give up gluten.

      Delete
  16. Gluten free actually drives me a bit crazy too. My aunt was celiac, so naturally, she watched what she ate and she eventually outgrew it. I find it hard to believe that so much of the population is now gluten intolerant. I think it's just the new buzz word. In fact, my stepmom sent me out to buy ice cream - "get the Chapmans vanilla ice cream - it's gluten free and soooo good!" I wanted to point out that the non-gluten free ice cream is probably just as good, she doesn't have any reason to worry about gluten and she probably doesn't even know what gluten is. Damn marketing.

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    1. I guess some ice creams use a tiny, tiny amount of flour as a thickening agent. Somehow I imagine that tiny bit is not even enough to affect your average person, but I'm sure glad I paid an extra $3 for the tub of ice cream that doesn't use that tablespoon of flour! Whew!

      Speaking of, someone once didn't eat my green chile because I use a teaspoon of flour as a thickening agent. A teaspoon for two GALLONS of green chile. They weren't even allergic to gluten, either. So, just let that sink in.

      "Wow, I'm sure glad I didn't digest those four grains of flour. That really would have fucked up my day."

      Delete
  17. There used to be a saying about "everything in moderation," but that is not the American way...

    Sadly, Americans are suckers. They lapped up "fat free" sweets (and gained weight). Remember those "miracle" 100-calorie Twinkies. I'll tell you the miracle (it's smaller).

    And 98% fat free milk does not have 98% of the fat taken out of it-milk is only about 4% fat to begin with.

    Yep, Americans live by the sound byte. So the whole country is afraid of glutens, although none of the fearful huddled masses actually know what the heck a gluten is.

    LC

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    1. To go along with McCarthy's comment above, scientists used to think whole milk was bad for you. Recently they decided it was good for you again because it has the good fats you need. And so the comments I've heard regarding this, much like what you said above, are just mind numbingly idiotic, in the most hilarious way.

      "But whole milk has, like, 100% fat. That's just way too much fat. I only want, at most, 2% fat."

      Delete
  18. Are you serious with this? No, not your post, I got you all figured out by now. I mean the "gluten-free diet". Is that seriously a thing people are doing? What the hell. It's for when you're certain to die if you ingest gluten, which, as you noted, most of the world isn't. Hell, I just looked it up, and no real research has proven the health benefits of living gluten-free. Fucking people these days, I swear. Deep sigh.

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    1. This is a real thing, but it's more prevalent here in fat America than in your neck of the woods. See, people will do anything if they think it means they can still have their junk food. "Gluten-free devil's food cupcakes? Man, dieting is awesome!"

      No, removing the gluten does not remove the fat and the calories and the sugar. It just removes the compound that helps bind everything together.

      So... you think you've got us figured out? That means we need to throw a wrench in things. Stay tuned for next week when we turn this into a mommy blog and teach you how to legitimately make sock puppets.

      Delete
  19. There is always a foodie trend. Eating healthy isn't following one 'lifestyle', a marketing term to make you want to belong. . .it's called reading the ingredients, and cooking fresh when you can, with less meat, more veggies and fruit. Avoid pre-packaged foods and instant anything.

    Gluten free does help a portion of society. It's not an answer to diet. Good points, guys.

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    1. If anything, I just hope this whole gluten-free craze makes gluten-free foods more affordable and accessible to the celiac folks who genuinely need it. Five years ago you couldn't find gluten-free anything. Nowadays they have an entire aisle in the grocery store devoted to it. That's a plus at least, right?

      Delete
  20. I've never heard of gluten until the mass outbreak of gluten allergies that suddenly appeared. When I worked as a cook, getting a request for a gluten-free meal was awful. Because I didn't know what the hell gluten was, I had to search for every ingredient involved in the recipe and read through the labels to see if there was gluten in it. Meanwhile, everyone else's order had to be put on hold.

    I'm not sure what this new craze is, but now that I know that gluten is the glue that holds bread together and causes spiderwebs in the tummy, I guess I have a whole new appreciation for that lifestyle.

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    1. Just think of all the spiderwebs you fed people before you understood the terrors of gluten. For shame, Chiz. I don't even know how you sleep at night.

      Delete
  21. Yo, I've gone gluten-free, slow-carb, and Paleo, and now I can shoot laser beams from my eyes! Don't knock it. Wait, I think I just levitated! This diet is the best! I may be delirious from malnutrition.

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    1. Yes, but are you a level 5 vegan juicer too? No? Then all you can do is marvel at my waifish awesomeness.

      Delete
  22. Got gluten? No? Well then I'm not interested! I love carbs of all shapes and sizes, and accepting cheap substitutes is NOT an option! I can't help but think that this new craze will be going the exact same way as that whole Atkins mess. I'll say now what I said then, (and in the case of gluten, I'm talking exclusively to those of the 99% that don't have a medical reason to avoid the stuff):

    "Go ahead and deny yourself the best things in life. Go ahead and feel good about yourself as you reject deliciousness and think about just how much healthier you will surely be and laugh at all the chumps who refuse to jump on the bandwagon. But please, PLEASE stop trying to make me join you in your quest of self-hatred. I know that misery loves company, so do everyone a favor and create a support group where you can preach to others of your kind and be sad together. Leave me out of it, okay?"

    Thank you all for your time.

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    1. *slow, dramatic clap that builds up to full applause*

      "Thank you, ma'am, for that very impassioned speech. I'm not sure it's the most appropriate thing you could have said at an Anorexics Anonymous meeting, but I'm sure you've given all these girls something to think about tonight."

      Delete
    2. *Groans* Aw man! Now I have to issue ANOTHER public apology to avoid a lawsuit. Geez! This is almost as bad as the time I gave a speech about the benefits of real leather over--to use my own words--"That nasty, cheap-looking pleather crap" at a PETA meeting! I barely got out of that one alive! I only survived because I happened to come across a hemp poncho backstage along with a dreadlock wig...long story. Let's just say, if you happen to hear tales about a loveable hippie named "Tufty Clouds" you'll get a pretty good idea of what my life was like from 2003-2005...

      Delete
  23. As a wheat producer, and by extension, "Lord of Gluten", these gluten free'ers are adversely effecting my ability to feed my children. It's a whole butterfly effect thing.

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    1. Yes, but you also should have known what you were doing when you sold your soul to the wheat devil to produce your evil product.

      Delete
  24. I'm naturally suspicious of any 'remedy' that promises to cure so many different problems, like gluten, which has been identified as a potential culprit in everything from autism to ... what's a thing that starts with "z"? All I've got is "zeppelin," but let's be honest, gluten probably causes one to like Led Zeppelin well beyond one's 20s, which is the latest anyone should actually like Led Zeppelin. If you're 30, 40, 50, or older (people are older than 50?) you should be well past the time that you actually play Led Zeppelin. "Took my chances on a big jet plane, goin' to California where it never ever rains..."

    NOTE: NOT NECESSARILY THE REAL LYRICS.

    I mean, I liked "D'yer Maker" as much as the next guy in college, but I OUTGREW IT, okay? Like you should.

    But I was talking about my natural suspicions, of which I have many. Like the medical establishment IN GENERAL. Did you know it take four months to get an appointment for an ear, nose and throat guy? My regular doctor can see me this afternoon, and he's got to deal with the WHOLE BODY. How does Doctor Ear (that's how I think of him) get booked up four months in advance? I doubt I'll even HAVE a nose by then. Do noses fall off? I know they get chopped off, sometimes in duels, like happened to that one astronomer from the middle ages. He had a silver nose.

    Back to you, guys. The medicine just kicked in. SEACREST OUT.

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    1. Sounds like someone's suffering from a real case of Glutenitis. And you don't have to be an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor to figure that one out.*

      *He's qualified because you clearly won't stop shoving gluten down your throat and turning yourself into an autistic, Led Zeppelin-loving crazy person

      Side note: I wonder how often the proctologist is booked in comparison?

      Delete
  25. I'm pretty sceptical as to the benefits of gluten-free stuff. Over here, there's a dietician called Gillian McKeith who spouts bollocks like this. She also reckons that you should drink spinach smoothies to oxygenate your blood. Well, I'm no scientist, but I reckon that inhaling oxygen is also a good way to oxygenate your blood.

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    1. Wait, there's a way to put more oxygen in my blood? I often feel like my oxygen can't breath enough. It's smothering my body and preventing me from burning precious calories. Here's a check for $10,000. Please write me a new magic diet that will turn my blood into oxygen and leave me rail thin.

      Delete
  26. Kick ass, I never looked at it that way. My new motto:
    "Gluten free is the life for me!"
    Only chocolate and gluten-free beer. Can't argue with a healthy lifestyle plan.
    Works for my mother with her "low carb" diet of all meat, cheese, butter and bacon. Plus, now thanks to low carb diet, she has to ride around on a motorized scooter because her legs can't carry her extra weight. Double bonus! You guys should be lifestyle coaches.

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    1. Skip the gluten-free beer. That stuff tastes like stale piss (a term we usually reserve for something like Keystone).

      So I once worked with a guy who loved to eat those 100 calorie packs. Remember when those were popular?

      "Man, I can't seem to lose any weight, but I'm eating these 100 calorie packs. What am I doing wrong?"

      - 100 calorie packs of Oreos
      - 100 calorie packs of Lays chips
      - 100 calorie packs of brownies

      Uhhh, eating less of the same garbage isn't going to necessarily turn you into Gerard Butler circa 300...

      Delete
  27. Triple the amount of butter and sugar? I need to jump on this gluten-free wagon!!

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    1. I tried gluten-free cupcakes, and they were awesome. Seriously, they were. When I asked for the recipe:

      "Just add extra butter. And sugar. And use lots of heavy cream."

      Who knew being healthy was so decadently delicious?

      Delete
  28. I worked in an Italian restaurant. You know, where pasta and bread are basically life? Nobody, even the servers who were there since opening day, knew what to say to somebody who asked if we had a gluten-free menu. I gave up. When I had somebody start asking me questions, I would say "Well you can have the grilled chicken or salmon, and substitute the mashed potatoes with a vegetable. Or we can offer one of our salads with our house made dressings." and then they would be like "Well do you have gluten-free lasagna?" I would just be like "Let me get my manager. He likes to handle all allergy cases himself just to make sure everyone is safe." 99% of the time, they got the grilled chicken that I already suggested.

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    1. Wow. Being gluten-free and wanting to dine at an Italian restaurant sounds like a death wish.

      "Uhhh... we can give you a piece of chicken on top of a lettuce leaf. That's the only thing that isn't bread or pasta. How's that?"

      Delete
  29. Funny that this craze is hitting different areas in its own pace. Thankfully, it's not in Chico. But in the SF Bay Area, starting five years ago, you weren't cool if you weren't gluten free. I found this as strange as it is annoying. Trying to feed or eat with someone avoiding gluten isn't at all fun. I never knew what gluten is, and now I'm another gluten free-dom hater. Love that phrase, and this artwork. You guys are the best.

    xoRobyn

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    1. Five years ago? Man, Colorado is really behind on its food fads. Gluten-free is all the rage here now. I went to a restaurant where you can order every single food on the menu in gluten-free form if you want to. That inspired the whole restaurant scene we have above, mostly because the people in my party ordered the gluten-free fried chicken wrapped in gluten-free French toast (like a sandwich) with maple syrup on top.

      I mean, it's important to eliminate things like gluten when you're eating a greasy fried chicken sandwich with a battered, sugar-slathered bun.

      Delete
  30. That made me laugh harder than any of your posts in a long time. My wife and I have these kinds of conversations about the whole gluten thing on a semi-regular basis. And the vegan thing.

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    1. Vegan doesn't bother me so much if it's for legitimate reasons. Like you don't want to hurt animals. If that's your thing, so be it. But it's always ridiculous to see someone become a vegan purely because they think it's healthier, and then whine about how they can't have meat and cheese anymore because they miss it. Here's a groundbreaking thought: it wasn't the meat and cheese that was making you fat before. It was frying the meat, wrapping it in a double decker bun, slathering it in mayonnaise, and then eating it with 3 lbs of French fries and a gallon of Coke.

      Delete
  31. Thank God I was built with McDonalds cheeseburgers and see no need to change.

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    1. Next time someone tells me they're gluten-free just because they want to eat "healthier" I'm going to say, "That's too bad, because this body was built with McDonald's hamburgers" and then lift my shirt to reveal my flat, chiseled stomach. Because fuck you, that's why.

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  32. Ha! Well to be fair, a lot more people have a gluten sensitivity or a wheat allergy, too. For them, I'm glad that a bunch of gluten free products exist. However, for the rest of us ("normies," as I call us), I agree that there is no reason to cut gluten out of your diet.

    That being said, going gluten free is probably making some people cut out refined carbs, so I get why people are thinking that they're losing weight because of the lack of gluten, you know what I mean? I do believe that we are eating waaaay too many carbs. (It's a shame because carbs are one of my favorite foods. Seriously. I had a warm soft pretzel today and went to carb heaven.)

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    1. That's actually a great point. The people I know who lost weight going gluten-free didn't lose it because they rid themselves of gluten. They got it because they stopped eating bread all the time. Not just the carbs, but bread has a lot of sugar. Of course cutting that out will help you lose weight. Or... work out a bit so you can still eat that bread. Or don't. Because bread.

      Make that two more pretzels, eh?

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  33. I worked with a girl who had an intolerance to gluten, when she told me she couldn't have pizza I felt so sly on her life. Why people would subject themselves to that lifestyle out of choice is beyond me. Xx

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    1. If it comes down to it, I'll gladly take the extra 5-10 lbs (and the pizza) if it means getting to enjoy my food.

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  34. OMG, I needed that belly laugh. Seriously. This gluten-free thing is driving me nuts. Not that I begrudge people with food allergies their chance to eat non-allergenic foods, nor am I denying that celiac disease exists, it's the whole truth in advertising thing which just drives me nuts.
    Take for example Twizzlers. On the label they say "fat free". Well duh. Twizzlers are like flour (watch out! gluten!) and water and flavoring. They've never had fat. They didn't just start making fat-free Twizzlers for those watching their fat intake.
    I have a jubakgillion more examples of labels which now contain information which should be obvious to the person of reasonable intelligence.
    Maybe that's our problem. Maybe we've lost the reasonable part. There are so many new "ways of eating" it's just "a new way of thinking about food" "a lifestyle change, not a diet".
    Eat what doesn't hurt YOU. Don't make it some unstoppable train of a new religion that is one size fits all and "if you quit eating gluten you wouldn't have asthma and end up in the hospital all the time."
    I can't make this shit up. I have severe, as in just hand me the damn gold medal now asthma. They've tested me and tested me and believe me when I say they have left no part untouched...and GLUTEN ISN'T MY PROBLEM. I have tried the no gluten thing just to make all the well meaning people (including my own family members, I believe we may have discussed them before...like last week...) shut the fuck up. Wanna know what happened? Sent another one of my myriad of health issues into overdrive.
    So pass me the pasta, and the garlic bread, and for god's sake a BEER.

    I'm surprised you didn't mention gluten free beer. Beer. Made from grains. Some of which contain gluten. Take out the grain and you have...Coors Light I guess...(sorry, just don't find Coors Light to have any discernible flavor...and I like beer I can taste. "Drinkability is a word for 'I want to get shit-faced quickly so don't give me anything I can taste cuz that would slow me down..."

    Damn, all I do is rant when I comment here. Maybe because you make topics I care about seriously funny while still not letting go of the seriousness of the sheer stupidity which created the issue of which you are poking fun...
    Getting a beer now...
    Tina @ Life is Good

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    1. I knew we got along with you for a reason. Yes, Coors Light is pisswater, but you know what's actually worse? Gluten-free beer. I would seriously drink a Coors Light before I drank another gluten-free beer, and that's saying a LOT.

      Have you tried a gluten-free beer? We both tried one at a party when a gluten-free friend (Celiac disease, mind you) offered us each one to ask if we thought it was good. To be nice we were like, "Yeah, you know, this isn't too bad?" and of course she smiled and stared at us awkwardly while we forced ourselves to drink the whole thing.

      Torture. There's a reason beer is made with grain.

      One of the reasons this post came up is because my wife went to her doctor for her adult onset ADHD and the doctor recommended trying a gluten-free diet to see if that helped her symptoms. I guess actual studies showed that cutting out gluten may decrease symptoms of ADHD. So she's trying it out just to see. So far no noticeable difference, and if the difference remains nil or very little, she'll probably go back to slamming beers and eating bread. It's just not worth the sacrifice if it's not actually DOING something.

      Oh and yes that "fat free" candy is hilarious. It's right up there with those Pop Tarts that have "added vitamins and minerals." Yes, your Pop Tarts have been injected with a few arbitrary vitamins that your body either doesn't need or already gets plenty of. That does not mean you are ingesting a sugar-frosted superfood though.

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    2. If you'd rather have a Coors Light than a gluten free beer, well then I think we're bonded in a beer lover sort of way that doesn't interfere with spouses. By the way, I ate only pop-tarts for breakfast my entire college career. Didn't give a fuck about the vitamins, just liked my ritual for eating them. It's like an oreo thing: everyone has his or her own way.
      Sorry your wife is struggling. Having two sons with ADD (not H) I can tell you that gluten is not their problem. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain for which scientists have found the chemical. Much like alcohol helps psychotic writers not bite the heads off people who don't understand that writing isn't just a cute little hobby, it's a passion...OK. Worked up sort of day.
      ~Tina

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    3. You know, the two of us have put out 7 books that have sold collectively over 50,000 copies. One was optioned to be made into an Indie film (which fell apart last minute, unfortunately). Not saying that to brag, but what I'm saying is that even now people STILL view what we do as that "cute little hobby." Unless you sell 50,000 copies a month and can afford to quit your day job to become a full-time writer that label just never goes away. And it's really fucking annoying. We feel your pain.

      And speaking of pain, I will say then, with two ADD kids you must know my pain of trying to write around someone who's ADD/ADHD. When my wife is around and I'm trying to write, holy unproductive. It's like the silence only adds to her ADHD.

      "Hey what are you doing?"
      "Oh am I bothering you?"
      "Hey I just thought of a joke."
      "What are you thinking?"
      "Let's ride bikes."
      "I like turtles."
      "Hey I just thought of a joke."

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  35. Like someone above, I had to remove gluten from my diet for an elimination diet for the chronic migraines I've had for 3 years. No dice. Didn't do a thing for me. Sigh. But on the other hand, I was really happy not to have to fight that battle every day. I really like gluten, apparently. And it's cheaper to not try to eliminate it.

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    1. Of all the fad diets I've seen, gluten-free is definitely the most expensive. Who'd have thought that taking an ingredient out would make something double the price? Yeesh.

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  36. Doctor thought my wife had Celiac disease. We bought gluten free groceries that first week while waiting for the test results. It was the best errr tastiest errr worst shopping trip of my life. $876 on gluten free spaghetti and some crackers.
    Turned out she had some whopping ulcers (no doubt from living with me) and we were back eating wheat in no time!

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    1. Whew! Close call. Fun fact: I used to be lactose intolerant. But I just kept drinking milk anyway until my body got used to it. I have a feeling if I ever had something like Celiac, I'd just do the same.

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  37. It is all set up so advertisers can make a buck off of what a few people are allergic to by selling to the many

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    1. Yes, but where's Big Gluten to combat this epidemic?

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  38. it's interesting by you know if you put gluten-free on something it's like hmmm...now I can buy it and it's okay!! be careful out there! it's a vegan, gluten free cray cray world!

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    1. And I will not be a part of that world. If eating meat and drinking beer is uncool then I'm just going to be over here with all of the uncool kids... being drunk and happy.

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  39. My aunt and a friend both have Celiac's and both love bread. Mother nature is a bitch.

    You should come to Portland. They make gluten-free, vegan pizza here.

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    1. As mentioned above, I'm lactose intolerant but love milk. That's never stopped me, because fuck you mother nature.

      And of course the hipster capital of the world has gluten-free, vegan pizzas. But is the soy cheese organic? Is the tomato sauce fair trade? THIS ALL MATTERS.

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  40. I'm gluten intolerant (my Dad is Coeliac and I'm currently being tested for it), and let me tell you it's a b*tch, so I never understand the whining people who decide that they are going to eat Gluten Free. How can this be fashionable you crazy people?
    It's true - most Gluten Free stuff simply has more sugar and fat in it to be palatable...

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    1. Hey no need to censor yourself here. It's a bitch, and yes, if I was gluten intolerant I'd probably be sad about it too. To willfully give up this amazing thing for no reason is just a damn shame. I'm going to go eat a buttered pretzel in your honor. Amen.

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  41. You can have my Gluten when you pry it from my cold dead beer. I mean hands. No beer. The horror. I have to tell you, Glass of Wine For the Shower, doesn't have the same ring.

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    1. I'm anxiously awaiting "Hit of Meth for the Shower."

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    2. That's right, guys, go hard or go home.

      "An Eight Ball for the Shower"

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  42. I am a total gluten free/fat free/sugar free avoider; meaning I happily avoid anyone who avoids whole categories of food without suffering from a disease...I will only dine without snark if you hand me a prescription from your doctor...one who actually attended med school.

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    1. Does Dr. Oz count?

      I always love hearing, "Well Dr. Oz says that..."

      No sooner have they said those words than have I stopped listening to them altogether, because I know what they're about to say is just beyond idiotic.

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  43. I have been visited by the Gluten police. Apparently, the most hard core of them that I deal with is a chain smoker too. I'm not one to judge, but it seems like if you're that concerned about what you're putting into your body, maybe huffing more ash than a chimney sweep is a problem.

    Whatever, I'm getting excited about the new, 'if-your-body-craves-it-then-your-body-needs-it' diet I just invented.

    "But honey, I HAD to drink that whole mini-keg of Newcastle. I craved it. My body is trying to tell me something."

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    1. Now MY body's telling me to drink one of those kegs. This diet is contagious. And my favorite hypocritical dieter was the woman who refused to eat any kind of GMO but also smoked like a train. Yes, I don't want to eat those nasty, unnatural chemicals. But you know what? I'll sure as shit smoke 'em.

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  44. I do not usually like gluten-free alternatives. Anything with wheat with gluten has gluten because it gives it the right consistency. Try folding a gluten-free wrap without it breaking, it's just about impossible.

    My mother has a light gluten intolerance because of Hashimoto's. Apparently it's been proven that gluten accelerates the disease spread, and she honestly does feel better without it. It's not a weight thing, it's an internal organ thing. I dunno.

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    1. So it makes you fat AND it spreads disease? Man, gluten is just awful.

      Kidding aside, that does suck, but at least she found something that can help her feel better and prevent faster spread. This is one of the reasons why gluten-free alternatives are present. Not because someone wants to lose a few pounds using the next get-thin-quick (food pyramid?) scheme.

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  45. More gluten for the rest of us! Now pass the pizza...

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    1. And none of that gluten-free pizza bullshit either. Blegh!

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  46. This reminds me of when Snack-Well fat free chocolate cookies first came out. You couldn't even find them on the store shelves, because they kept selling out. It took a long time for many of us to realize that they were adding more salt and sugar to make up for it. Another brilliant and timely post B & B!

    Julie

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    1. Yep, or those 100 calorie packs also. News flash: it doesn't matter whether you're eating 100 calories of Oreos or 500 calories - Oreos will never be good for you!

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  47. I'm not a gluten-free advocate because I don't have a particular intolerance for it (I've already got enough with shellfish, peanuts, nuts, cat hair, dust and lentils, thank you very much).

    My best friend in France, however, does have a genuine gluten intolerance and therefore cannot partake in eating French favorites like baguettes, croissants, paille d'or or even pains au chocolats. She instead has to eat expensive rye bread imported from Germany. Yum.

    -Barb

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    1. Wait... it's possible to be allergic to harmless, tasteless little lentils? And here I thought Meli's celery allergy was uncommon.

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  48. I'm not a gluten-free eater. You can tell by my pictures. LOL!

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    1. So that's really you deep-throating that baguette in your profile picture? Wow!

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  49. Gluten free is definitely the new fad. I couldn't believe how many gluten free items I saw on my last shopping trip to the store.

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    1. I always get a kick out of gluten-free bread. It's like those meatless veggie burgers. At a certain point... what IS the point?

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  50. For a moment I was excited to maybe starting eating gluten free. All those extra calories would be great for bulking.

    And then I saw the 5 extra scrotums on Brandon's stomach. Yeah, I think I'd need to work out non-stop to prevent that.

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    1. Well, you'll definitely bulk up if you eat all of that butter and sugar, but I don't think it's the mass you want. Think Cartman's Weight Gain 4000 "supplement." Don't be a beefcake.

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  51. To each his own but I'm allergic to gluten free food.

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    1. So am I. I hear the only proper cure is a deep dish pizza with French toast and devil's food cake on the side.

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  52. I have some family allergic to gluten so I am glad to see them have more choices in foods. I also eat some gluten free foods and find them tasty. I lost 35 lbs by cutting out sugars and carbs. I feel great.

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    1. Congratulations! That's awesome. Cutting out sugar and carbs is not easy by any stretch of the imagination. I know I can't do it... he said, while snacking on a piece of candy.

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  53. I don't know about over there but gluten free products are super expensive so I feel sorry for those who have to buy it. Plus, our supermarkets are, generally, tiny compared to the ones I've been in over there so we have limited everything. But, on the plus side, we have excellent stock for kiwifruit and all fruit for that matter.
    As for gluten free, I lack a certain dedication for something like that. Plus, I love a slice of pizza every once and a while.

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  54. My mother has a friend who insists on Gluten Free. So mother buys and cooks expensive gluten free packet mud cake which apparently is less like cardboard than the gluten free cupcake mix

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  55. gluten free doesn't taste right and it is way too expensive, because of my UC I tried a gluten free diet to see if it makes any difference - the only difference I saw was on my bank balance!

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  56. Ah-hahahaha!!!! Yes, I am reading your blog at 10:00 at night out of sheer procrastination with my writing. I'm laughing because I'm totally gluten-free. Too funny. The driftwood made me LOL and so did the spider-web picture in the stomach. You guys. Now to read more posts I've missed from you or continue to stalk your blog. You should do a post on your stalkers. :P

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    1. Hmmm, is there any way to make a post about stalkers without us sounding like we're gloating? Also, we're not going to wake up at 3 in the morning with you standing outside in the bushes of one of our houses, waiting for us to do something funny, are you?

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