Starting from the ears and burrowing through to the brain, this disease is affecting men and women of all ages by tricking them into believing they're more important and more interesting than they have any right to think, leading to extremely lopsided conversations.
Those afflicted by Self-Important Dismissive Disorder are incapable of hearing the thoughts of others, and are only interested in spewing their own thoughts and opinions, which they deem superior. They have something to say about everything, but because their brain is being ravaged by this disease, they don't really care what your input is toward the conversation. They'll often nod and add absent agreement toward anything you say, serving as nothing more than a social placeholder while they ready their next barrage of verbal diarrhea. It's sort of like talking politics with a very opinionated parakeet.
But it's totally not their fault for acting like selfish pricks. No, this is the fault of the disease addling their brains like a very selfish, over-opinionated case of Alzheimer's. And don't be fooled, it IS a disease, just like alcoholism or gambling addiction or affluenza. You see, the disease in question works by enlarging the modules of the brain directly responsible for speech, confidence, and sense of self worth, leading them to viciously attack the listening modules into a bloody, molecular pulp.
So, how can you tell if you or someone you know is suffering from this relentless disease? Here are a few of the most common symptoms:
1. Will often stare into space when you're talking, paying attention to nothing else in the room but their own deep, important thoughts.
2. Will initiate or steer any and all conversations toward themselves, even if what they're saying has nothing to do with the original topic whatsoever.
3. Will often glance down at their cellphone the minute you start talking, as a way of subtly demonstrating that a game of Flappy Bird or an old college buddy's poorly made Facebook meme are clearly more important than anything you might have to say.
4. Will say "yeah," "uh-huh," and "right" to everything you say in hollow agreement, no matter what you say.
So if you know a friend or loved one who suffers from Self-Important Dismissive Disorder, please, set them down and talk to them about it now. Let them know they have nothing to worry about, and tell them they should not feel ashamed or embarrassed for acting like a completely selfish asshole, because they're suffering from an awful (but treatable) disease. Tell them to consult their doctor immediately so that they can be diagnosed and treated.
Or, I guess, don't tell them, since they probably won't hear a damn thing you say anyway.
Do you know anyone being ravaged by this awful disease?
Cheers and stay classy, folks,
Beer: Denver Pale Ale
Music: Murder City Devils