The great news is...Brandon and his lovely girlfriend Heidi are engaged to be married! That's right, folks. After a lot of hard work and cunning coercion, Brandon finally convinced his lady to become his betrothed.
So, now there's a wedding to plan. And being the hopeless romantic that he is, Brandon scoured the earth until he found the wisest, purest, and most experienced minister that ever lived.
So Bryan happily accepted. But before he could legally marry Brandon and Heidi, he needed to become an ordained minister licensed to marry couples in the state of Colorado. Which was no easy task.
Alright, so apparently you can do that for free online. And that's really all it asks of you. But Bryan is now an ordained minister. Which is crazy, because as soon as he got ordained, people started listening to him a lot more.
And suddenly, Bryan realized that his call to ministry went far beyond Brandon's wedding. He could change lives by giving valuable advice. But best of all, he found out that for giving this advice, people were willing to give him money.
So he built a following of
But that church wasn't quite big enough, so he built a megachurch.
And that still wasn't enough, so he built a megachurch stadium with a retractable dome.
And he held massive sermons for millions of people who couldn't get enough of his
And so Brandon was forcefully ejected from the megachurch, beaten mercilessly in the parking lot for being an unbeliever, and his relationship soon crumbled because he couldn't afford Bryan's $1,999 wedding fee.
You know, there's a moral to this whole story. And we'd like to tell you that moral, but before we do you need to pay us $24.99. We accept cash, credit cards, and time shares in the Bahamas.
Till then, yes, Bryan is really an ordained minister, and yes, he's really going to marry Brandon and Heidi in September. Cheers to that!
But before we go, we'll leave you with our...
Bonehead of the Week
This week's winner is a no-brainer. Not as in it's an easy choice, but in that he literally appears to have no brain. This week's winner is Tom Brady. Look at that dead behind the eyes "nobody is home" look on his beautiful yet stupid face.
Some say that at yesterday's game, Tom Brady just didn't show up mentally and that's why he lost. We say Tom Brady has never shown up mentally, and as we write this is probably playing Candyland and sipping a juice box to ease the pain of defeat.
And yes, we know he's a great quarterback (usually). But just remember, folks, he's pretty and he's great at playing "toss the ball"... but so is a golden retriever.
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Beer: The Reverend (Avery Brewing)
Music: Delta Spirit