Monday, January 20, 2014

Reverend Bryan At Your Service

Hello all. We have some fantastic news that we wanted to share with you all... well, fantastic unless you're one of our overtly sexual stalkers, in which case we must reiterate PLEASE stop sending us your soiled undergarments. There's nothing sexy about XXL skidmarks.

The great news is...Brandon and his lovely girlfriend Heidi are engaged to be married! That's right, folks. After a lot of hard work and cunning coercion, Brandon finally convinced his lady to become his betrothed.


Last weekend...






So, now there's a wedding to plan. And being the hopeless romantic that he is, Brandon scoured the earth until he found the wisest, purest, and most experienced minister that ever lived.




So Bryan happily accepted. But before he could legally marry Brandon and Heidi, he needed to become an ordained minister licensed to marry couples in the state of Colorado. Which was no easy task.


Alright, so apparently you can do that for free online. And that's really all it asks of you. But Bryan is now an ordained minister. Which is crazy, because as soon as he got ordained, people started listening to him a lot more.





And suddenly, Bryan realized that his call to ministry went far beyond Brandon's wedding. He could change lives by giving valuable advice. But best of all, he found out that for giving this advice, people were willing to give him money.



So he built a following of chumps listeners. And using that following, he built a church.


But that church wasn't quite big enough, so he built a megachurch.


And that still wasn't enough, so he built a megachurch stadium with a retractable dome.


And he held massive sermons for millions of people who couldn't get enough of his common sense invaluable life lessons.







But not everyone that showed up to this megasermon was there for advice.



And so Brandon was forcefully ejected from the megachurch, beaten mercilessly in the parking lot for being an unbeliever, and his relationship soon crumbled because he couldn't afford Bryan's $1,999 wedding fee.

You know, there's a moral to this whole story. And we'd like to tell you that moral, but before we do you need to pay us $24.99. We accept cash, credit cards, and time shares in the Bahamas.

Till then, yes, Bryan is really an ordained minister, and yes, he's really going to marry Brandon and Heidi in September. Cheers to that!

But before we go, we'll leave you with our...

Bonehead of the Week

This week's winner is a no-brainer. Not as in it's an easy choice, but in that he literally appears to have no brain. This week's winner is Tom Brady. Look at that dead behind the eyes "nobody is home" look on his beautiful yet stupid face.


Some say that at yesterday's game, Tom Brady just didn't show up mentally and that's why he lost. We say Tom Brady has never shown up mentally, and as we write this is probably playing Candyland and sipping a juice box to ease the pain of defeat.

And yes, we know he's a great quarterback (usually). But just remember, folks, he's pretty and he's great at playing "toss the ball"... but so is a golden retriever.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Beer: The Reverend (Avery Brewing)
Music: Delta Spirit



131 comments:

  1. I bet a Golden Retriever would've done better.
    Congratulations, Brandon! Marriage really is cool. Legal safe and frequent sex for the rest of your life - what's not to like?
    Wait, I should become a minister first so I can charge for that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Legal and safe? Yes. But frequent? What am I doing wrong with my life? Teach me, o great wizard! $24.99's coming in the mail.

      -the one who's already married

      Delete
  2. Yay! Congrats Brandon and Heidi! Here's to a long, happy life together and no wedding SNAFU'S with Brian leading the wedding. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've already been warned "no funny business" but come on, where else can I practice my unique brand of no-nonsense prop comedy? And I've already paid $49.99 for the big rubber "ball and chain." I've gone too far to go back now.

      Delete
  3. It's a great honor to marry someone, but have you ever married someone...on weed? Sorry to have even put that idea in your head. Also, in order to be considered a legit pastor you better get to baptizing. Who cares if the parents asked you to, splash some water on that munchkin and say some magic words and soak in the parents' undying gratitude for saving that baby's soul from demon infestation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To kill two birds with one stone (or maybe three), I think I'm going to 1) get high, 2) marry Brandon and Heidi, and then 3) give them each a baptism. If I can plunge a struggling adult's head under water, then a toddler is cake.

      Delete
  4. Congrats to Brandon and Heidi!!! (Heidi...it can only get better after a proposal like that)

    And, congrats to you too, Bryan on the new ordination. I think you are on the spiritual track to great wealth. Why shouldn't those streets paved in gold, start at your front door?

    As always, hysterical...love the new cartoons.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. According to the good book it's "easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man get into heaven" so I've been scientifically engineering tiny camels to pass through the eyes of needles. I've spent millions of dollars and killed so, so many tiny inbred camels... but it's totally gonna be worth it.

      Delete
  5. Congrats, Brandon!

    It took a lot for me to muster up that congratulations after you two so mercilessly harpooned Tom Brady with malicious words. But, in any case, I'll be rooting for Papa Joh- I mean, Peyton Manning in the Superbowl. Mostly because I think Seattle fans are obnoxious as hell. Also, I found out that Richard Sherman is rather unsportsmanly.

    But, may your sermon anoint the two lovers on high and clear the path for a happy and unshakable marriage. I'm pretty sure that's how ministers talk, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, you're good at this. Have you considered a life of ministry?

      And while Tom Brady may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, Peyton Manning is a genius. Not because of his football playing, but because he bought many Papa John's immediately after weed became legalized. That's brilliant.

      Delete
  6. Just for fun I did once look up how to become ordained online. It really is completely free but I'm yet to find a way to be ordained in a "real" religion for free. Congratulations on the wedding too. It'll be pretty awesome to be married by your best friend too. Now go to a state where it's legal so you can get married TO your best friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm fine not having to commit to a real religion while being an ordained minister, since that seems so limiting. I mean, what if I'm a Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, and he's a Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region? We can't mix blood like that. It's just... unpure.

      Delete
  7. Welcome to the brotherhood of online ministers.As a long time veteran of 6.5 weddings it has become my favorite way to attend a wedding. I was woefully under prepared for the first one I did. I figured all I had to do was get up, say my thing and go away. Turns out people were looking to me for guidance on all kinds of weddingy stuff like, where should we stand, who gets the rings, does the father of the bride shake hands with the groom, hug the groom, punch the groom in the groin etc etc. One tip, groin punching may sound funny, in reality it puts a damper on the day, at least for the groom. Congrats Brandon

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So... any tips here? When do we all shake hands, and do we groin punch FIRST, or after?

      Delete
    2. I have started to trend towards a a handshake and a knee to the groin, it accomplishes both goals in a timely fashion

      Delete
    3. It also asserts your dominance as minister, which is important as alpha. If it works for dogs, you'd better damn well believe it works for wedding ceremonies.

      Delete
  8. Congratulations, Brandon and Heidi! THIS should finally put those gay rumours to rest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, they'll always be there, no matter how married either of us are. Thanks though!

      Delete
  9. Oh and by the way if this whole writing thing doesn't work you can make some solid cash doing weddings, I usually charge between $3-500 for the few non family weddings I've done. Not too shabby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I just found my new free time, money-making hobby!

      Delete
    2. Nice work if you can get it, about an hour of work emailing ceremonies back and forth, an hour for rehearsal and an hour for ceremony, minimum $100 per hour. Now I have a bunch of ceremonies done and let people pick and choose the bits they need.

      Delete
    3. And as a guy with a sense of humor and modest charm, I'd like to think I can beat out Reverend Ned Flanders in the "fun wedding" department. The possibilities are endless and I'm actually not ruling it out if this goes over well.

      Delete
  10. Hmmm... a few remarks in passing (as in... before "passing out").

    That pictured "megachurch" looks very much like one I'm familiar with here in Phoenix, Airheadzona. Which leads me to conclude that probably ALL megachurches look essentially the same (and spew the same B.S. from their pulpits).

    "Don't Punch People In The Face" - Man, that's a catchy title for a sermon! What's the sermon about?

    Jesus axed: "...which is easier, to say 'Your sins are forgiven you', or to say, 'Arise and walk'?"

    Me, I axe: "Which is easier, to get dope in Colorado, or to get a license to dispense the Gospel in Colorado?"

    6-B, looks like I sent you that book just in the nick of time, eh?

    Then again, if you put a black mask on Tom Brady, he'd be a beautiful outlaw too, wouldn't he?

    Last Q: Has Brandon's wife-to-be ever read any of these blog bits? [Silly Q from silly me! Of course she hasn't! Otherwise she would have selected: "2) Death".]

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Which leads me to conclude that probably ALL megachurches look essentially the same

      The megachurches here have playgrounds and tennis courts. What better way to follow Christ than with a rousing game of tennis?

      "Don't Punch People In The Face" - Man, that's a catchy title for a sermon! What's the sermon about?

      It's about neoclassical existentialism. Clearly.

      I axe: "Which is easier, to get dope in Colorado, or to get a license to dispense the Gospel in Colorado?"

      Both are pretty easy, and if I can make a prediction, both will probably go hand in hand. If everyone at the ceremony is high, why not the preacher, too?

      6-B, looks like I sent you that book just in the nick of time, eh?

      Now that I'm a megamillionaire preacher I just don't have time to hear about Jesus, so I'm not sure what you're talking about.

      Last Q: Has Brandon's wife-to-be ever read any of these blog bits?

      We were going to reveal this later, but Brandon's wife-to-be exists only in his head. She's really just a pillow with googly eyes and a lipstick smile drawn on. We don't have the heart to tell him because he just seems so happy, so I'm humoring him with the "ceremony."

      Delete
  11. Congrats to Bryan and Heidi, and since he didn't specify I'm going to assume it's Heidi Klum. And if that's true, then good job sir!

    Speaking of mega-churches, my brother and his wife go to this new one called New Spring. They take the idea beyond just a big building and hold several campuses in hotels or if the events expect more people auditoriums.

    Each campus has their own pastor, while the main pastor gets to give a sermon via a TV screen from where-ever he's at.

    My brother tried to get me to go about a year ago saying stuff like "yeah man it's nothing like the old St. James Methodist, they play new music and it's all hip and stuff". Being far from Christian, I never joined him.

    I did read a essay thing the main pastor did (they shared it on FB) saying the church shouldn't be hostile to gay people. But then said something along the lines of "you can be gay, just don't be gay". Basically making the homophobic Christians feel a little more politically correct and pardoning their discrimination.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Spent much time reading The Bible, Adam?

      No. But you should. You're alluded to in the very first chapter, and even mentioned by name in the second.

      However, I would recommend sticking to The Holy Bible and continuing to maintain your aversion to mega-churches. The two rarely meet.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    2. It's actually Heidi Fleiss, the world famous prostitute. Brandon gets a huge discount on hand jobs, though.

      I've never been to a megachurch, but I once went to a "super hip" Pentacostal church that was just agonizing. 2 hours of really lame Christian rock, followed by 1 hour of the pastor yelling, followed by everyone being 'slain in the spirit,' where they grab your forehead and make you fall to the ground, and you start spewing gibberish.

      I didn't fall, nor did I babble, so clearly I don't have a soul. Or acting chops, I guess.

      Delete
  12. If I ever became ordained (a task too strenuous for me to undertake), I would use my powers to simply marry people to other people on whim.

    Oh hey, you pair of homophobic gits in front of me in the queue, loudly expressing anti-gay opinions, BAM! Guess what, you're now married and there's nothing you can do! Mwahahaha!

    There would also be a huge spate of people getting married to toasters, their relatives, and plates of mashed potato.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It works online, too, so the joke's on you - you're now married to your printer. I hope you fax out many babies before your ink runs dry.

      Delete
  13. I was afraid of this: It's only been a couple weeks since the pot stores opened up in Colorado, and things have already taken a turn for the worse.

    It's clearly crippled Heidi's judgment, and I sort of question Bryan's theological bona fides.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't worry, Katy, I once flipped through an Advent Calendar so I'm pretty much as skilled in the ways of evangelical ministry as Joel Osteen or Billy Graham.

      Delete
  14. Congrats Brandon!! Best of luck to you and your new wife, in you life together AND having Bryan as your minister!

    This post is inspiring to me, a single gal. It makes me consider an angle, I never thought possible, but of course! Stockholm syndrome. With that, I'll meet my mate! Thanks for the enlightenment!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just keep up your escapades with OKCupid and Plenty of Fish and in no time I'm sure you'll find the maniac captor of your dreams.

      Delete
  15. It is really that easy? You can answer my 24.99 is in the mail.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It really is that easy, and you get a digital certificate that you can print out on a whim. I'm gonna hang it on my wall and show my parents just how cool I really am.

      Delete
  16. Awwww! Yay for a Brandon and Heidi! Best of luck to them both!

    Bryan, as the former leader of a popular cult: "Jammin' With Jesus", I have a few sage words of advice for a newcomer such as yourself.

    1) Don't forget to keep reassuring your followers that their money is going to a "very noble cause." Whether it's a spaceship to the refuge planet of Zorgon, or orphans in the Bahamas, make sure they never doubt the purity of your intentions.

    2) NEVER give a deadline/precise date for Armageddon! That's the kicker, right there! It has undone many a veteran cult leader.

    3) If you choose to remove your base of operations to a remote compound in the woods, encourage the regular use of soap, shampoo, and toothbrushes/toothpaste. You can't get saved without good hygiene!

    Best of luck in your new line of work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You just gave away all of that advice for free? You must not have been Jammin' With Jesus for that long, then. I would have charged you $24.99... for EACH.

      Also, my followers know that their money goes to a good cause. Me. I'm a great cause.

      Delete
    2. Actually, if you will check your credit report, you will see that I have opened a line of credit in your name. You paid out the nose for that advice!

      Delete
    3. Actually, my followers paid out the nose for that advice. I told them I needed extra donations this month while I sought out an even greater truth. Like, 120% truth, which is so much better than my usual 100% truth.

      In other words, we both win.

      Delete
  17. Congrats Brandon on your up-and-coming wedding. It is cool that Bryan is going to marry you. And, if I need any advice, I know who to ask for the small fee of just $24.99.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Feel free to donate to the megachurch superdome anyway. Those 2000 watt spotlights and 20 foot tall LCD tvs don't pay for themselves!

      Delete
  18. I guess this means Bryan is going to have to stop swearing. Shit. At least he's getting paid well. I wonder if I can get paid to stop swearing?

    Congratulations Brandon on the prospect of getting hitched! I would like to have a wife again but so far no luck in hiring one. Apparently no woman in her right mind would live with me for free.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, I thought I'd give a really edgy ceremony with a lot of swearing and off-color stories. I'm sure grandma will appreciate it.

      I hired my wife by tricking her into thinking I was going to be a rich, famous writer. Have you tried that angle? All you have to do is be eccentric and have a mostly completed book. The rest just kind of falls into your lap.

      Delete
    2. Well, I've got a partially completed book and some people think I'm weird. Does that count as eccentric? If so I'm off to one of those dating sites.

      Delete
    3. That's all it takes. Join those dating sites ASAP, be weirder, and when the ladies come rolling in, well, you can thank me by sending me that money. Best $24.99 you've ever spent, pal.

      Delete
  19. That is some lovely news, congratulations! Will we get a ABftS-style report on how the wedding went? Or how about live coverage, drawing cartoons about things AS THEY HAPPEN. How awesome would that be? Hah, you'd hardly have the time to get married in the first place!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure we'll report on the wedding, but no idea whether it'll be videos, or cartoons, or reenactment by hand puppet. But so far, my vote's for the latter.

      Delete
    2. Definitely the latter, yeah.

      The plot hole Mark pointed out is already filled. "It was getting late." osn a thing that has been said a couple of times now. It hasn't been pointed out yet (I should've) but Whelhaven has a system to simulate a day-night cycle (if you must know, periodically covering the fluorescent rocks above the town with dark cloth). Yes, they have a system in place to keep time, and thus can also keep track of the calendar.

      As for why they're getting harder to write, it's pretty hard driving a car that goes 200km/h when you don't know which direction to steer it in. Straight ahead, sure, but in doing so I push myself into some rather uncomfortable corners, as hinted at at the end of the last part.

      Delete
    3. I think you'd be surprised to find that a really good story will write itself, and it doesn't matter if you're going 300km/h... somehow you'll keep on the road. Unless you're M. Night Shyamalan, in which case you'll take your hands off the wheel to give your audience the finger and veer off into a ditch.

      Delete
  20. You're far more philanthropic that I am. I'd become a minister just to hear all the confessions. I bet they hear some wild shit. (I don't care that it's Catholics who get to do that. I'd branch out.)

    And congrats to Brandon as well. I trust he's letting her out of the pit for the wedding? Or will Bryan officiate pit-side?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it'd be really hard to take confession and not shout, "Ohhh shiiiiit" or "Seriously? That's disgusting!" or "Come on, lightweight, I did that twice on the way here."

      Priests have such a hard job.

      Delete
  21. Damn, I only have $23.98. Can I owe you the $1.01? I saw on tv it was that easy to get ordained never believed it though, like magic even though with Bryan's grand schemes it ends up tragic. Congrats Brandon, hopefully it all goes smoothly with Bryan in charge.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll take you up on the offer as long as you pay me back. But just remember, you don't just owe me $1.01... you owe the Lord $1.01.

      ...But he can't accept it physically, so I hold it for him. I'm generous like that.

      Delete
  22. I've seen some of those mega-churches. Boggles the mind. . .
    Congrats, and best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I've never set foot in one, but I've been to Sports Authority Field, so I'm pretty sure it's about the same.

      Delete
  23. Well, I know what I'm doing for the rest of the day. Starting my own religion. Thanks for the info.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion." - L. Ron Hubbard.

      I'm just sayin', for being batshit crazy the man was onto something.

      Delete
  24. Congrats to the two of you... eh for your separate achievements. So do they send you the clergy attire? That is pretty good service right there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, I have to buy my own clergy attire like a chump, so I'm thinking of going the Slim Dyson route and getting the Salvation Army special.

      Delete
  25. This post somehow reminded me of the music video for Genesis's "Jesus He Knows Me." And I really laughed out loud at the pug's buck teeth. XD

    And, wait a minute...Heidi? What happened to Broomhilda?!

    Seriously, though, félicitations to both Heidi and Brandon. :)

    -Barb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brandon had to let Broomhilda down gently, and she took it hard for a while, but now she's living with a dust pan in Ohio that's treating her really well.

      Delete
  26. This is fantastic news. The Candyland-juicebox combination does wonders for a pretty face.
    Congratulations to Brandon! And congratulations to you for knowing your name and becoming a Holy man of the cloth because of it. That's all it takes? You didn't even have to pay? That wedding is going to be a blast. I'm very happy for you all.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did not have to pay a dime. And for what Brandon's getting for the money, I'd say I'm a hell of a deal.

      Delete
  27. Oh my gosh, congratulations to Brandon & Heidi!! That's awesome. So happy for you. And Bryan, how are you going to get through the ceremony with a straight face? I would be laughing my butt off the entire time. You could always do what our best man did, he taped and then lip-synched his speech. He realized that by the time we got to the reception, he would be too impaired to deliver it properly...and he was right. In any event, I imagine this will be a ceremony no one will soon forget.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I may not be good at many things (minus writing), but I can deliver a speech without cracking. And while having drank the entire day. In other words, I'm no different than your typical Hollywood trainwreck.

      Delete
  28. Congratulations! On the upcoming wedding and the online ministry! I too am a Universal Life minster, and next year I will marry friends of mine. I mean, marry THEM to EACH OTHER, this is not about polygamy, or polyamory or whatever it's called, I'm talking about online ministry for outrageous fees. Praise 'Murica!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And this is why I love this country, because I can marry my best pal and his lady, while drunk, because I simply clicked a few buttons online. 'Murica!

      Delete
  29. Congratulations Brandon! Bryan, don't fuck this up.

    ReplyDelete
  30. haha So on the mark with Tom Brady, although I think a golden retriever is cuter. Congrats Brandon and Heidi on the engagement!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Also, I'd much rather snuggle in bed with a golden retriever than Tom Brady. But that might just be me.

      Delete
  31. A downside to being ordained is that now all of your friends and family are going to be constantly asking you for help with their exorcisms.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I've already killed one poor, misdiagnosed little girl through malpracticed exorcism. So I assume it can only go up from here!

      Delete
  32. Congrats to Brandon on your engagement, and to Bryan on your ordainment! Heidi must have an incredible sense of humor to keep up with both of you! Will Heidi be going on the honeymoon too?

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn, I think we just got royally zinged on that one. You're alright with us.

      Heidi's already put up with a lifetime of shit from either of us, so at this point, marriage is going to be a cake walk.

      Delete
  33. Congrats Brandon!! So happy for you! I love all the romantic nonsense. And, wow, Bryan is going to marry you. Either Heidi is REALLY cool, or she's still stuck down in that hole.

    I think once I coerce some unwitting man to be my husband, I will get married right here on A Beer For The Shower! I'll have a minister, and basically no cost to me for everyone to attend. Brilliant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And you'll have a damn big audience, too. So if you have less than 10 friends, like I did with my wedding, then boy are you going to look popular!

      Delete
  34. I'm actually pretty okay with Bryan being an ordained minister. I mean "Don't be a dick" is pretty awesome.

    I'm also really agreeing with the changes now. This post showed all that art off perfectly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not saying I'm great at it, but I'm not saying I'm bad at it either. And I'm also not saying whether I'm talking about being an ordained minister or being a comic artist.

      Delete
  35. Holy carp! Brandon's getting married and Bryan's a man if the cloth. I guess that means you'll both be enjoying celibacy from now on. Oh, I did not say that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's okay, after a while you start to get used to the cob webs and all that dust. It's just a natural part of married life.

      Delete
  36. Congrats on the engagement and all the cake that shall be eaten!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The wedding isn't over until we're all cake drunk. And just regular drunk.

      Delete
  37. If you want to get rich, just create a religion. Congrats!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I'm not rich yet, but I keep praying to God to send me a shitload of money. That's how it works, right?

      Delete
  38. Hey...what's wrong with playing Candyland and sipping juice boxes? For a minute I thought you were going to say you Rev. Billy G from ZZ Top to marry them. That would be so cool. But I guess being married by your best friend and newly ordained minister is much cooler!! Seriously, congratulations!! Great post guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I may not be "ZZ Top" cool but what I lack in Santa beards I more than make up for with wit, comic delivery, and a modest proficiency in public speaking.

      Delete
  39. So, Air Bud is a free agent now, right? He could totally lead the Pats next year.

    And congrats on the nuptials. I'm a big fan of people getting married by people they know. And congrats on that mega-church, btw. I'm looking forward to the sex scandal... I'm assuming it will involve the thing you preach against the most.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure Tom Brady studies new plays by watching the Air Bud movies and taking notes.

      Also, I preach pretty fervently about not being a dick to children, so I could totally see me getting busted for being a dick to children. Do as I say, not as I do, people.

      Delete
  40. whoa whoa whoa...soiled undergarments aren't sexy? BALDERDASH!

    Congrats to you both!

    (And sorry about the skid marks. My bad.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, we're flattered, just go easy on the Indian food, okay? The stench molecules attached to those undies started a grease fire in my kitchen.

      Delete
  41. Love it!! Congrats again, very exciting times. You should get dummy to give you some money, ya know, the whole ball tossing guy! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He doesn't strike me as the giving type. Not that I want anything from him, anyway. We already took his happiness and his drive to succeed. Taking anything else on top of that would just be cruel.

      Delete
  42. Oh, the stories I could tell about the church and being ordained... maybe one day I will.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will hassle you about this at some point, so whether you share that story now or later is up to you. But it will be shared.

      Delete
  43. Congrats on the engagement! Congrats on the minister thing, but remember if people tithe and you don't pay the IRS you could end up in prison like Ronald Weinland.
    I never did like Tom Brady. Whiny, pouty, little boy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll worry about that problem once people actually start tithing. They're a lot stingier than I thought. Does no one want eternal salvation at a reasonable cost with flexible payment plan options?

      Delete
  44. No other blog makes me laugh out loud as much as this one. Congratulations! (On the marriage stuff, not making me laugh). This all reminds me Friends, when Joey married Monica and Chandler. No? Just me? I should go outside once in a while?

    P.S. I wish I had some overtly sexual stalkers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've never seen Friends. I've also never been one to go outside. Where did I go wrong with this equation?

      P.S. It sounds flattering on paper but it's all fun and games till someone installs a camera in your toilet and then stabs you in your sleep so "no one else can have you."

      Delete
  45. I think a minister is the last thing I thought either one of you would ever become. And yet, you shock me with what you do all the time, so I really shouldn't be surprised. But congrats! I heard Stockholm Syndrome works amazingly well, but I've never tried it sooo...

    Also, what day in September? Wolfy's birthday is on the 6th, mine is the 22nd, and my cousin's is the 30th so I'm curious.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. September 27th is the big day. And twist my arm, but I'll gladly have an extra beer (or three) in honor of all of those birthdays.

      Delete
  46. Run away! Run away! Run away! Run in the opposite direction! Don't do it! You'll regret for the rest of your life! You'll never win another argument! You'll twist yourself into a knot 'cause she'll ask you killer questions like, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

    :D

    On a semi-serious note, congratulations and good luck, but for God's sake, don't have kids!

    And you know, it was a childhood dream of mine to become a televangelist. Perhaps this will give me the motivation to do it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, if I can become a successful evangelist, then having kids will be easy. I don't have to raise them. Overpaid maids will raise them. And God. We call that two birds with one stone.

      Delete
  47. Those megachurches scare the hell out of me. So many easily manipulated believers, waiting to be fleeced out of millions. Shake 'em down, Pastor Bryan!

    Congrats to Brandon and the future Mrs. Brandon, and congrats to the Broncos for kicking some Brady butt. So tired of that smug little pretty boy. Let's hope that Peyton Manning & co. can make Richard Sherman stfu. Maybe Pastor Bryan will lead the Broncos in a prayer? I'm sure they can afford his appearance fees.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tried to reach out to Peyton but he won't pay me any money for "protection prayers." I daresay the Broncos might not come out so good in this game...

      Delete
  48. Lol. Cute comics. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We may not be cute as buttons in real life, but at least MSPaint can touch up our flaws.

      Delete
  49. Congratulations (if that part is real!) And where were you when Mr. RK and I got married?? We had to settle for a judge in clogs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If that part is real? Oh, my aching heart! We use many liberties with our jokes, but the things that happen to us are very real, including finding women who will actually put up with our shit for eternity.

      Delete
  50. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Go fuck yourself, little spammer, with a barbed-wire coated pool stick laced in lemon and salt.

      Delete
  51. Congratulations Brandon and Heidi!!! Wonderful news!

    Are we now required to call you Pastor Bryan? Not sure I can do it with a straight face. I picture your church being more like the one that looks like a penis:

    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/plans-change-shape-church-penis-article-1.1513939

    Good times, good times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually prefer "Your Holiness" but I guess if you want to dumb it down and call me Pastor Bryan, that's cool too.

      Also, I've seen that picture before but did not know it was a church. That is hilarious. Whatever I end up building, I hope it gets me as much attention as the church that looks like Angry Birds.

      http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/church-looks-like-angry-birds-1742392

      Delete
  52. I'm actually a little creeped out that Bryan is now a man of the cloth. No wonder the world is going to shit! I mean if anyone can be a minister then God save us!

    Congrats to Brandon for his upcoming death sentence...err, I mean marriage. Will there be mini-Brandons running around in the near future?

    So, Brandon, since Bryan is your co-author, best friend, is planning your wedding, the minister who will marry you, your drinking buddy and whatever else he may be to you, will he be consummating your marriage for you also?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Out of all of our many accomplishments, my proudest moment in the twenty-something years we've known each other is not the writing, or the blog, or the Youtube stuff. It's that we've never been Eskimo brothers. An achievement I'm more than happy to permanently seal with my blessing of marriage.

      Delete
  53. Till then, yes, Bryan is really an ordained minister, and yes, he's really going to marry Brandon and Heidi in September.

    That is so cool! I had no idea if you got ordained online you could enter in polygamous bisexual legally binding relationships. Awesome!

    Oh, sorry. You're officiating their wedding, I guess that's cool too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can do anything online. ANYTHING. Just ask the furries. What they do on the Internet makes polygamous bisexual legally binding marriage look like an evening with Mr. Rogers.

      Delete
  54. Congrats Brandon! I'm pretty sure it wasn't Stockholm Syndrome LOL but good luck with marriage!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Make a girl live with you until she loves you enough to marry you." I don't know, that kinda sounds like Stockholm Syndrome to me...

      Delete
  55. WOOHOO!! Congratulations to Brandon and Heidi! Wonderful news! I wish you the best.

    Congrats to Bryan! I think you should marry them for free... and I think you should pay for a portion of their bar tab. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Having paid for my own wedding, I'd just like to say that if I paid for their bar tab I'd probably have to start my own megachurch just to dig myself out of debt. :(

      Delete
  56. CONGRAAATs!!!!!! You better post wedding photos.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That we can most certainly do, but you didn't say whose...

      Delete
  57. Congratulations on the engagement (and the reference to Silence of the Lambs made my day... actually, that sounded very creepy, I apologise).

    There is a 'Pastor' here in NZ who has his own church and I'm pretty sure he got ordained the same way...he is actually trying to build his own city within a city. It's strange.

    Somehow, I think Byran would make a most entertaining Pastor but, then again, I'm a godless heathen who has never been to church. :) Still, I could just imagine the sermons...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't worry about being a godless heathen. Let's just say that part of the reason for Bryan marrying Brandon and Heidi is that neither of us have been in a church for so long that we don't want to spontaneously burst into flames for stepping foot into one.

      Delete
  58. Congratulations Brandon!! I'm planning on getting married in Vegas to really cut the strings that delicately stop my future mother in law from murdering me, Bryan, can you perform it? x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not only can I do that, but I can dress up as Elvis to give you authentic Vegas experience. If you want Fat Elvis, that's $1,000 extra. I'm gonna need a lot of ice cream.

      Delete
  59. Great news!
    Does he perform exorcisms?
    Will it work on constipation or is that an additional fee?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For a mere $14.99 (plus tax plus destination fee), I'll say a prayer for your colon that'll turn your back end into a fire hose. Praise be to Allah.

      Delete
  60. That was absolutely HILARIOUS. First off, congrats to Brandon. Second, I find I can relate to this because I myself am engaged to get married and I WAS thinking of having a friend ordained...now I'm thinking this would be a terrible idea for similar reasons. haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This could either be a brilliant idea that makes for an incredibly unique, personalized experience... or a drunken disaster. Stay tuned come September!

      Delete