Monday, January 27, 2014

The Super Awesome Super Bowl Party of Drunken Gluttony

Well, folks, it's that time of year again. It's the day when sweaty, furious, manly behemoth-men concuss one another for the chance of supreme sporting glory. At least until next year. That's right, it's time for the Super Bowl. And along with the Super Bowl comes the legendary Super Bowl Party. And we here at ABftS are nothing if not ready to get our party on. Here're the things we're most looking forward to:

1) Junk food en masse - Because Richard Sherman's mouth isn't the only thing that deserves a heavy hit on Super Bowl Sunday, Brandon and Bryan look forward to treating their hearts to a coronary pummeling too. Because even if you can't cook to save your life, you can definitely fry everything in your fridge with butter and lard and make it into something that tastes good. Bring on the bacon wrapped bacon, bitches!

2) Drinking your weight in beer - Like any good party, the Super Bowl Party demands excessive amounts of alcohol abuse. Which often leads to really fun drinking games, like our personal (childish) favorite, the Penetration Drinking Game.

And rest assured, friends, come Super Bowl Sunday you're not going to be the only overgrown child giggling about "penetration in the backfield" or "penetration by the tight end."

3) The commercials - When asked, most people say they watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. But let's face it, they haven't actually been entertaining since those frogs got taken off the Budweiser payroll. Or sexy.

danica patrick godaddy naked bikini

As straight dudes, we don't say stuff like this. Ever. But please, for the love of God, Danica Patrick, keep your damn clothes on.

So that's what we plan on doing for Super Bowl Sunday. In the end, we know that unless you're Denver or Seattle then you're probably not watching the game itself anyway. But hey, at least you still get to have drunken, gluttonous fun with friends and family, because after all, isn't that what Super Bowl parties are really about?

With that, let's finish things off with our...

ABftS Bonehead of the Week

You probably saw this coming a mile away, but this week we'd like to tip our hats to a meltdown case that's been in the making for the last half decade. Like so many overly ass-kissed young celebrities before him, young Justin Bieber has finally realized that nobody aside from screaming tweens actually gives a shit about him or his "music." And it's sent him spiraling dangerously close to what the rest of us call reality, when he was arrested last week for DUI, drag racing, and resisting arrest.

We here at ABftS have obtained exclusive footage of the police chase leading up to Bieber's arrest.

That's right folks, this little twat was caught drag racing 55 in a 30 mph zone, further proving that even when doing something badass like drag racing in a Lamborghini, Bieber will still find a way to do it like a complete pussy.

So how will you be spending Super Bowl Sunday? Throwing a party? Watching alone? Don't even care? And what the hell is the appeal with Danica Patrick, anyway?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Beer: Redrum Ale (Estes Park)
Music: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Monday, January 20, 2014

Reverend Bryan At Your Service

Hello all. We have some fantastic news that we wanted to share with you all... well, fantastic unless you're one of our overtly sexual stalkers, in which case we must reiterate PLEASE stop sending us your soiled undergarments. There's nothing sexy about XXL skidmarks.

The great news is...Brandon and his lovely girlfriend Heidi are engaged to be married! That's right, folks. After a lot of hard work and cunning coercion, Brandon finally convinced his lady to become his betrothed.

Last weekend...

So, now there's a wedding to plan. And being the hopeless romantic that he is, Brandon scoured the earth until he found the wisest, purest, and most experienced minister that ever lived.

So Bryan happily accepted. But before he could legally marry Brandon and Heidi, he needed to become an ordained minister licensed to marry couples in the state of Colorado. Which was no easy task.

Alright, so apparently you can do that for free online. And that's really all it asks of you. But Bryan is now an ordained minister. Which is crazy, because as soon as he got ordained, people started listening to him a lot more.

And suddenly, Bryan realized that his call to ministry went far beyond Brandon's wedding. He could change lives by giving valuable advice. But best of all, he found out that for giving this advice, people were willing to give him money.

So he built a following of chumps listeners. And using that following, he built a church.

But that church wasn't quite big enough, so he built a megachurch.

And that still wasn't enough, so he built a megachurch stadium with a retractable dome.

And he held massive sermons for millions of people who couldn't get enough of his common sense invaluable life lessons.

But not everyone that showed up to this megasermon was there for advice.

And so Brandon was forcefully ejected from the megachurch, beaten mercilessly in the parking lot for being an unbeliever, and his relationship soon crumbled because he couldn't afford Bryan's $1,999 wedding fee.

You know, there's a moral to this whole story. And we'd like to tell you that moral, but before we do you need to pay us $24.99. We accept cash, credit cards, and time shares in the Bahamas.

Till then, yes, Bryan is really an ordained minister, and yes, he's really going to marry Brandon and Heidi in September. Cheers to that!

But before we go, we'll leave you with our...

Bonehead of the Week

This week's winner is a no-brainer. Not as in it's an easy choice, but in that he literally appears to have no brain. This week's winner is Tom Brady. Look at that dead behind the eyes "nobody is home" look on his beautiful yet stupid face.

Some say that at yesterday's game, Tom Brady just didn't show up mentally and that's why he lost. We say Tom Brady has never shown up mentally, and as we write this is probably playing Candyland and sipping a juice box to ease the pain of defeat.

And yes, we know he's a great quarterback (usually). But just remember, folks, he's pretty and he's great at playing "toss the ball"... but so is a golden retriever.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Beer: The Reverend (Avery Brewing)
Music: Delta Spirit

Monday, January 13, 2014

Colorado Gets All Potted Up On The Weed

It's been over a week since the greenest of Colorado state laws was passed and no matter where you look it seems that legalized marijuana has cast a pungent cloud of controversy over local and national news stories. People here cannot stop talking about it. And it leaves us to wonder why legal weed is such a blazing hot topic. Trust us, it's really not that big of a deal. Honestly, nothing has changed. It's no easier or harder to lay one's hands on some sticky icky here in the Mile High City, and here's a few reasons why.

1. How hard has it ever been to get weed?

We are two dorky white guys from suburbia who do not smoke, and yet we guarantee you that if either of us had wanted to smoke when pot was still illegal we could find it. Easily.

But really, weed was never hard to find or in short supply, and this is from two guys who have never even actively looked for it.

2. Before recreational use was legal, medical marijuana was legal here, and it's legal in quite a few states now. And doctors, or should I say "doctors," would hand these cards out like candy. No, really.

Both of us have heard countless stories of certain doctors in the Denver area who would pretty much give you a medical marijuana red card if you walked in and said you get headaches a lot. Or an upset tummy. Or you're depressed and life is hard.

One of our friends (who shall remain nameless) went in for a 'consultation' with one of these doctors. The "doctor" gathered everyone in a group, asked, "So you guys all have headaches, right?" and then handed out red cards like the Oprah of medicinal marijuana, allowing them to buy marijuana at medicinal shops as they pleased.

And so really, in a sense, even legal weed has been around for a while. And easily accessible.

3. Who were the people that actually got caught smoking pot before it was legal?

Seriously, unless you were a dumbass smoking a joint in the middle of a busy playground, we don't know a single person who ever got caught smoking this.

4. What is the news waiting for?

With bated breath, it seems as if the news is waiting for something to happen. Anything. But what's the worst that could happen to someone that smokes marijuana? Are they expecting an overdose? Death?

*thanks Mayor Gia for turning us onto the 'potted up on weed' reference.

Which brings us to our Bonehead of the Week... this dude.

We don't want to get sued so we aren't putting up the news clip, but there was an interview with a local man who'd just spent $600 on an ounce (the legal limit) of "top shelf" weed and was so insanely proud of it.

So... who thinks $600 for an ounce is a good deal? Neither of us know much about weed, but one thing we do know is that $600 is insane. I mean, if someone was bragging about this back when it was illegal, he'd look like an idiot.

So if you ask us the question isn't so much "what are the dangers of legalizing weed?" as it is "who the fuck has $600 lying around just to blow on pot?" Which is why this guy easily wins Bonehead of the Week.

What do you think? Is legalizing marijuana a danger to society, or a step in the right direction, or, like us, do you just not give a shit since, let's face it, it's already been around for ages?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Music: Metz
Beer: Ballast Point Sculpin IPA