Monday, September 30, 2013

Grandma Explains How Garage Sales Work

Yesterday I was out in the garage doing some work on my car. During this time, my next door neighbor was having a garage sale, and so I got to watch as various people came, and went... and bent my neighbor over for all she was worth until they cleaned her out.

Personally, in this day and age, I don't understand why people hold garage sales or yard sales. I have a whole spiel on it, but I'll save you the rambling. You see, my wonderful grandma (you know, the one who got pushed down an escalator) actually told me her thoughts on garage sales a few weeks ago. She said it better than I ever could, so I'm going to share it with you today. She said...

*Grandma's not racist, she just knows her own people (she's Mexican).

And of course you tell them, "But this table cost me $300. $50 is a steal! Okay, MAYBE I can sell it for $25, but no lower. Will you take $25?"

And your new friend says...

And they keep going until they break you. But they don't just want your expensive coffee table. No, they want everything you have.

And at this point, you just want to get them out of your hair. So you say...

To which they reply...

And after all of your hard work, you've sold everything you've ever owned to some family for a dollar. A family that's been at this a lot longer than you have -- they've been doing this every single weekend for years. 

So for all that time wasted you could have just thrown everything in the trash, gotten a part time job at McDonald's, and come out further ahead...


And frankly, folks, after watching my neighbor sell a brand new printer, an electric guitar, and a bicycle for one dollar to a very stubborn Mexican family that haggled with her for over an hour today... I'd say Grandma pretty much nailed it.* If I ever want to sell something I don't need anymore, I just use Craigslist (which has brought us both a lot of luck, except for that whole gay bear thing) where I stand to make more than one dollar and won't lose an entire afternoon haggling with a family that's just looking to clean me out.

What do you guys think? Have you ever actually found success holding a garage/yard sale?

Cheers and stay thrifty, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: The Kooks
Beer: Maui Brewing Coconut Porter

*Grandma really did tell me this story, and perhaps what was most amusing was that as I was laughing my ass off, she made sure to tell me, "I don't know why you're laughing. I'm not telling you a joke, I'm just telling you what happens."

Thursday, September 26, 2013

The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2013

Today we depart from our usual comedic hi-jinks to bring you, the dear reader, a very important announcement considering a very dire topic. Let's take it to Action 4 News for the story.

The epidemic seems to have started out of the United States, and so far has only affected its citizens, leading to all out chaos across North America. Grocery stores are being emptied as panicked citizens are preparing themselves for the epidemic...

Unfortunately, this is only helping spread the disease. Scientists are baffled.

It's true. No one is safe from obesity. It lurks every corner, and it watches you while you sleep. You may think it's a disease you'll never contract, but be warned... in the blink of an eye, it could happen to YOU!

42 Minutes later...

So be on your guard, folks. Obesity is everywhere, and it's spreading like wildfire. But worry not. To stop yourself from contracting obesity, just follow these simple guidelines.

1. Never share a spoon with a fat person.

2. If you see an obese person, seek shelter at a health club immediately.

3. Learn the (Tyra) Banks Auto-Regurgitative Function, or B.A.R.F. If you or a loved one mistakenly ingests a Krispy Kreme donut, this method will "purge" the obesity from your body almost immediately. This method has been proven for decades by supermodels who are practically immune to the disease.

Remember, we just want to keep you safe from a vicious disease that is obviously on par with the Bubonic plague and smallpox. Don't let obesity ravage you like it ravaged us. Let us serve as a warning to you all.

Do you guys have any other tips to thwart this silent killer, or has the epidemic already grabbed hold of you with its iron, sausage-fingered grip?

Cheers and stay healthy, folks,

Music: Sondre Lerche
Beer: Deschutes Twilight Summer Ale

Monday, September 23, 2013

The Life Coach: The Idiot's Therapist

Have you ever been flustered by decision making? Find yourself struggling to achieve basic goals in your everyday life like paying bills and maintaining simple friendships? Are you wondering why you suck at life so badly? Then you may need a visit from a new occupation beaming on the New Age horizon: the life coach!

life coach funny stupid

Yes, that's right, for those unfamiliar with the life coach, this is a profession in which a person tells you how to live your life properly so you stop "fucking everything up."*

*Hey, that's the medical term. Not ours. We're not nearly that crass.

Personally, we think this is stupid, paying someone thousands of dollars just to tell you how to live your own life. But we like to keep an open mind about things, so today we went undercover as unstable, unsuccessful losers (which we're obviously not) to see what we could learn about this occupation..

First off, we learned that they're basically like the personal cheerleader you pay just to add meaning to your life.

bro fist bump cartoon

We also learned that you don't need any kind of formal training or certifications to be a life coach.

Yep, you can pretty much just wake up one day and say "I'm a life coach, so give me thousands of dollars to let me tell you how you should be living your life."

I guess the two of us still aren't sold. What about you? Would you hire a life coach to help you navigate through your daily life?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Beer: Red Rocket Ale
Music: Arctic Monkeys

Thursday, September 19, 2013

How to Write Science Fiction Like a Dumbass

It has recently come to our attention that there is not enough "sci-fi" in our webcomic misadventures. And admittedly, it's because neither one of us knows anything about it. However, as with all things in life, from self-publishing to DIY brain surgery, we won't let a little thing like "knowledge" get in the way of trying something new. So, fasten your belts trekkies, because today we present to you the ABftS take on intergalactic space adventure.

(Intricately drawn space station and spaceship)

And with that, Qwerk, Spork, and Commander Fiddlesticks destroyed the evil Mongolian Time Lord. They also destroyed the 8.7 million innocent people living on the Mongolian Time Lord's space station, but whatever. They probably deserved it or something.

And so the Starship CassaBeer lived happily ever after, except for Qwerk, who got Space AIDS from hooking up with too many freaky, four-boobed alien bitches...


Okay, so that, dear friends, is why we write humor and horror (like our newly released book The Graveyard Shift - *cough cough*). We're complete n00bs when it comes to intergalactic science fiction. We wouldn't know a plasma cannon from a silverware stuffed microwave. But, we do know someone who does. His name is Alex J. Cavanaugh, he's a good friend to the blog, and to prove his boundless knowledge of the genre, he's just released his third sci-fi novel. Head on over to Amazon and check out his newest installment of space opera and adventure, CassaStorm. If sci-fi is your thing, we're sure you'll enjoy the hell out of it. If not, please direct all hate mail to my bitchy aunt Trudy in Delaware. She just loves "getting onto the e-mail."

Also, if you haven't met him yet, be sure to stop by Alex's blog and say hello. Or nuqneH! (Which apparently means hello in Klingon) Find him here:

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

Beer: Titan IPA
Music: Kasabian