Greetings, fellow internet peoples. We hope this post finds you all doing exceedingly well today. And in case you're wondering why we're being exceptionally hospitable it's because today's post is in regards to unpleasant greetings. In particular, we'd like to discuss bad handshakes. Because there's no better way to make a terrible first (or last) impression than by doling out a fistful of awkwardness to someone you barely know. Here are our top five most hated offenders, all inspired by actual occurrences.
1. The Incredible Hulk - This one seems pretty obvious. It's that type of handshake that's bone-crushingly firm. Not to generalize, but this type of shake is often the greeting style of choice for men with tiny dicks. Because nothing screams overcompensation like passively bullying a new acquaintance with a set of broken fingers. Well, with the exception of a ridiculously lifted, smoke-barfing pickup truck.
2. The Princess (aka The Germ Wiper) - Somewhere along the line, this person must have been taught to shake hands by a princess, because his or her hand will never actually grip yours. Instead, it will graze your palm lightly before being dragged backward and withdrawn to its owner, leaving you with nothing more in your hand than a fresh batch of germs.
3. The Limp Noodler - At the other end of the spectrum is the famous Limp Noodler. He's far more prevalent than the Hulk, and is fittingly the bully's favorite target. When you meet the Noodler, you'll find that shaking his hand is like gripping a dead fish, only less pleasant.
4. The Foreplay - This handshake always takes you by surprise. And its name is nowhere near as fulfilling as one might guess. This is the go-to grip of the person who never learned it's appropriate to close your fingers before extending your hand to someone. The trademark of this odd handshake is the loose, waggling fingers of the shaker that tickle against your wrist and palm as you try to give a formal greeting. You just go ahead and try to keep a straight face when this one gets you. We dare you.
5. The Awkward Black Guy Fist-Bump Handshake High-Five - As a couple of socially reclusive white guys, we're no strangers to public awkwardness. But atop the pile of our social embarrassments is how to properly shake hands with a new black acquaintance who is far hipper than ourselves...
There you have it, friends. Our top collection of greeting oddities and handshake abortions. We hope you heed the warnings well, because it just might save you future embarrassment at your spouse's annual Christmas party.
Cheers and stay classy, folks!
Music: The Sounds