Thursday, December 5, 2013

Palsied Pleasantries (or The Art of the Bad Handshake)

Greetings, fellow internet peoples. We hope this post finds you all doing exceedingly well today. And in case you're wondering why we're being exceptionally hospitable it's because today's post is in regards to unpleasant greetings. In particular, we'd like to discuss bad handshakes. Because there's no better way to make a terrible first (or last) impression than by doling out a fistful of awkwardness to someone you barely know. Here are our top five most hated offenders, all inspired by actual occurrences.

1. The Incredible Hulk - This one seems pretty obvious. It's that type of handshake that's bone-crushingly firm. Not to generalize, but this type of shake is often the greeting style of choice for men with tiny dicks. Because nothing screams overcompensation like passively bullying a new acquaintance with a set of broken fingers. Well, with the exception of a ridiculously lifted, smoke-barfing pickup truck.



2. The Princess (aka The Germ Wiper) - Somewhere along the line, this person must have been taught to shake hands by a princess, because his or her hand will never actually grip yours. Instead, it will graze your palm lightly before being dragged backward and withdrawn to its owner, leaving you with nothing more in your hand than a fresh batch of germs.

3. The Limp Noodler - At the other end of the spectrum is the famous Limp Noodler. He's far more prevalent than the Hulk, and is fittingly the bully's favorite target. When you meet the Noodler, you'll find that shaking his hand is like gripping a dead fish, only less pleasant.


4. The Foreplay - This handshake always takes you by surprise. And its name is nowhere near as fulfilling as one might guess. This is the go-to grip of the person who never learned it's appropriate to close your fingers before extending your hand to someone. The trademark of this odd handshake is the loose, waggling fingers of the shaker that tickle against your wrist and palm as you try to give a formal greeting. You just go ahead and try to keep a straight face when this one gets you. We dare you.

5. The Awkward Black Guy Fist-Bump Handshake High-Five - As a couple of socially reclusive white guys, we're no strangers to public awkwardness. But atop the pile of our social embarrassments is how to properly shake hands with a new black acquaintance who is far hipper than ourselves...






There you have it, friends. Our top collection of greeting oddities and handshake abortions. We hope you heed the warnings well, because it just might save you future embarrassment at your spouse's annual Christmas party.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: Colorojo
Music: The Sounds




87 comments:

  1. I always mess up the fist bump.
    And it's the ones who want to throw in the bear hug that freak me out. Space, people! I need my personal space.

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    1. Right? I know friends and family I don't even want to hug, what makes you think I want to hug a complete stranger?

      Delete
  2. There's also variations of a regular handshake from an alpha personality. Where the other person insists on having his/her hand on top of yours so that it's a horizontal handshake all so that person can show dominance. That's why I just pee on people to assert my dominance first.

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    1. I've heard you can also put them on their backs and rub their bellies, but some people* just don't appreciate the art of canine dominance.

      *the Denver police force

      Delete
  3. With those fist bump/high five/shake/twiddle greetings, I know I'm going to screw it up. So instead, I make the other person feel like a fool by continuing the handshake by doing erratic movements with my hands until they pulls their's away.

    Also, my girlfriend's father is one of those people who expect a bone-crushing handshake every time. I suppose it's to show him I'm a real man, assuming my sweaty armpits, scraggily chest hair, and Nissan Versa hatchback isn't enough.

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    1. Does he also expect you to hold awkwardly long, perfect eye contact the whole time? And the first one to break away from said eye contact is deemed the "girl"?

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  4. I'm not sure how good my handshake is. I've only ever had to give one proper handshake before and I think I did pretty well. It's tough to get a handshake just right. Just don't get handshakes and handjobs mixed up or things will either go very very badly, or very very well.

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    1. A handshake guarantees you nothing, but a handjob could land you a job right on the spot.

      Delete
  5. I hate the first type of handshakes the most, especially when it's a bloke shaking my girly hand. I want to say to them "Look, it's ok, I can tell you're a bloke. You have nothing to prove (except that you have a tiny todger)"

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    1. This was probably the most British comment we've ever received, and we instantly love you for it. "Tiny todger" is something my vocabulary has needed for oh so long.

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    2. Can "Tiny Todger" PLEASE be a recurring British character? With a monocle maybe? Well, that's your call.

      Delete
  6. A variation on "The Princess" shake is when the bitch only extends one or two fingers for the briefest of shakes from you, the undeserving peasant. And I say "bitch" because it's ALWAYS women who do this. Skinny white rich bitches, in my experience. But I'm not hostile, oh no.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Shaking some skinny white bitch's pinky because that's all she'll begrudgingly give you? Yeah, I know that feel. And actually, I thought they only did that to guys, since as a male I clearly want to fuck her and she's already showing me she's just not having any of it.

      Delete
  7. lol i've had the fist bump done to me and then they went all up down all around thing, i was just like wtf

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    1. Was he trying to make his fist have sexual intercourse with your fist or what?

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    2. Well it lasted over a 30 seconds, so he must have got a thrill

      Delete
  8. Handshakes should be outlawed. Let's face facts. We probably don't want to think about where the other person's hand may have been.

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    1. Also, when I say "it's a pleasure to meet you," often, it's not. There's no pleasure at all. Everything about the handshake greeting is a lie.

      Delete
  9. I must admit but I've met a lot of noodlers!

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    1. As have we. Is it too much to ask to shake my hand like you mean it?

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  10. its also awkward when you and the other person shake hands diferently. Search on youtube : The ultimate handshake by ryan higa

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    1. Ha! I suppose if we all knew "the handshake song" this would all be avoided, wouldn't it?

      Delete
  11. I never have awkward handshakes, so I can't relate with this blog post.

    I guess the people I'm shaking hands with have time to plan their handshake while I am putting on my rubber hypoallergenic gloves.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You never can be too careful, and they might laugh at the thought of hand condoms, but who's never gotten hand herpes? EXACTLY.

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  12. Just never shake hands with someone who has just come out of the bathroom

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    1. Never shake hands with someone while IN the bathroom, either.

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  13. You can instantly tell the germaphobes.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. By the way they pause to step into their full body condom after bathing in hand sanitizer?

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  14. I also don't care for the handshake that turns into the manly half-bro hug. Where you shake their hand and they then pull you towards them for a hug but never stop shaking your had so you are forced to do some kind of awkward half hug.I usually like to immediately fall to the ground in these cases so that they never try that shit on me again.

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    1. I hate that as well, if only because I don't know what to do with the hand that's still shaking in the middle. Like, we awkwardly graze each other's stomachs, and I don't know how I feel about that.

      Delete
  15. I like how in all of the cartoons you have the people shaking the "wrong" hand. It reminds me of one of my most favorite awkward handshake situations: You offer your right hand, and they offer their left hand, so you both try switching hands, and then have to try switching again...until one of you just gives up and punches the other one in the throat.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That was every bit as intentional as it was artist laziness, so thanks for noticing that.

      I thought shaking with the right hand (even if you're not right handed) was the universally accepted handshake, but I guess not. And usually I don't end up switching hands. We just kind of take hands that way, like a grandma consoling her grandchild, lightly shake them, and then part. So... extra awkward, basically.

      Delete
    2. Yeah, I think we should all just take a page out of Howie Mandel's play book and just avoid touching each other's hands altogether. Maybe we can greet each other with a swift kick in the shins or something like that...

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    3. Why the shins? Why not a rousing game of Roshambo?

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    4. Mainly because women don't have the right equipment for that game...But hey, if guys would rather do it that way, then who am I to argue?

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    5. I don't think you need 'proper equipment' to feel the effects of being kicked in the cooter so hard it's like giving reverse-birth to a size 12 steel-toed boot.

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    6. You say this as though you have personally experienced the sensation...

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    7. Hey, don't judge what I do in my free time. Also, your sentence just made me think of that old timey York Peppermint Patty commercial. You know, "I get the sensation of being on a frozen mouuuuuntain topppp!"

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daQT_Y_gsUg

      Delete
  16. The germ spreaders and the wet noodles are the ones that piss me off the most. I mean really, why is it so hard to shake someone's hand?

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    1. My thought: if you truly want to shake my hand, then shake it. If you don't, then don't. I'm much more annoyed by a limp noodle than someone who doesn't shake my hand at all.

      Delete
  17. Sometimes my hands get clammy, so that's pretty terrible for others. Ick. Nobody touch me.

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    1. I once had to shake a new coworker's hand immediately after cleaning up a spill, so my hand was all sticky and wet. I'm sure that left an amazing first impression.

      Delete
  18. Ha! 4-B, this blog bit IMMEDIATELY brought to my mind the “hearty handclasp”.

    One visitor at YouTube left the following comment: “This is a running joke in my family.” Well, it’s always been the same in my family. My Pa was a huge fan of W.C. Fields and my Brother and I inherited his appreciation for the man’s comedy.

    Every few months, Nappy or I are bound to make a reference to, or re-create THE “HEARTY HANDCLASP”.

    Gotta love it! Thanks for reminding me of it, Beer Boys!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    ‘Loyal American Underground’

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    1. That's great! I haven't seen that before, but I've definitely fallen prey to it. There's just something unsettling about a grown man who wants to lightly hold your hand while staring intensely into your eyes.

      Delete
  19. It must have been Seinfield who coined the term "early closer." That's the one I hate the most. Where the guy grasp your fingers instead of the palm of your hand. I'm not real crazy about those left hand jobs either.

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  20. I met a chick recently with the Incredible Hulk handshake and afterwards I checked to make sure she used the ladies room instead of the mens.

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    1. I know that feeling. There's nothing scarier than the crushing grip of man hands coming from the rather unassuming woman you just met.

      Delete
  21. I don't know which I hate more, the early closer or the fist-bumpers.

    We need to stop emulating rap stars-there should be no fist bumps among grown men.

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    1. What I hate is the guy who really, REALLY wants you to fist bump him even if you're against it, who says things like, "Bro, come on, don't leave me hanging, bro. Party foul!" And his fist just stays there. For eternity. Until you bump it.

      Delete
  22. "Not to generalize, but this type of shake is often the greeting style of choice for men with tiny dicks." Of all the laughs you've given me, this one saw me darting to the bathroom to pee. I still can't stop laughing. I thought that handshake was a symptom of SMC (short man's complex). Now I know better. Thank you!

    xoRobyn

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    1. Hey, if we can make someone lose their bladder and it's not related to old age or fear, then we've done our jobs as funnymen. You are very welcome.

      Delete
  23. I'm totally using that "scissors beats paper" line next time that happens to me.

    I used to work with someone who could never decide between a handshake or a hug and it was horrible. Especially in front of people.

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    1. It's an easy decision, really - a hug is never the answer unless you're family.

      Delete
  24. I hate that fist bump thing and keep hoping it will go out of style, but it persists like herpes.

    Hey, your blog didn't update on my blogroll. It took about 7 hours to show up. This is happening to loads of people right now though.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. As long as bros exist, so too will the fist bump. I just pray the bros go out of style.

      We noticed about the blog roll thing. We've just been visiting blogs manually until Lord Google doth decide to grace us lowly users with its presence and, you know, fix it.

      Delete
  25. Hahaha I loved this. I used to be terrified of handshakes until recently because when I was about four years old, my dad took me to his work one day and a colleague, a big, tall, scary man, shook my hand. It was terrifying. By the way I am loving the Limp Noodler. And his jumper (sweater).

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    1. That sounds terrifying. Was he a pedophile? I've never met a four year old and thought, "I'd better get down really low and shake his/her hand."

      Delete
  26. Your reaction to the dude doing the fist bump with paper beating rock was amazing haha, brilliant stuff guys.

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    1. Thank you, thank you. We all know the true way to dominate someone during a handshake is to out play them with old timey schoolyard games, anyhow.

      Delete
  27. These are hilarious. I had to do a lot of hand shaking when I was working in corporate management. There was nothing I hated more than a man with hot, sweaty hands who was as limp as a wet noodle. Always a sign they didn't have self confidence.

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    1. Food for thought: that handshake is not any better when it's a woman. ;)

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  28. Us Asians need to compensate for our smaller penises with our firmer grips, what can I say?

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    1. So would you say you might have... Kung Fu grip...?

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  29. The handshakes are hilarious, but you had me on the floor with the ridiculously lifted, smoke barfing pick-up truck. I spent Thanksgiving week in Idaho, where said truck is like the state bird. Overcompensation - Ha, ha, ha!

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    1. The small cowtown we're from is not much different, but there's also a lot of Mexican cholo wannabes, so pretty much either your truck is so low it's hitting the ground or it's 20 feet tall. No in between.

      Delete
  30. I'm not sure I understand the purpose of the handshake. I'm not a complete socialphobe, I mean, I don't mind hugging someone I know, but shaking the hand of a stranger? Not a fan.

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    1. Definitely. It seems like such a weird, outdated ritual that's in desperate need of some updating.

      Delete
  31. Agreed. Can't we just start bumping phones now?
    Women can be THEE WORST. Those "career types" in power suits and tight buns (in their hair, but probably their badonks, too) they are the female version of Number One. Except they have SHARP CLAWS and heavily lipsticked lips, so it's really hard to even LOOK at them. I'd much rather look away quickly and whisper "'Sup" as my recognizing their dominance. Animals are smarter than we are, just smell my butt when we meet, people.

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    1. I'd be scared to bump phones. My phone is the kind that can share pictures when you bump it. And the last thing you need is 20 cat pictures and an awkward selfie.

      Delete
  32. When you go up against the Hulk handshake, just hope you don't end up as Loki

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    1. You mean Loki turns into a girl horse, sleeps with another horse, and gets pregnant? Yeah, fucking Nordic mythology. Those cats were craaaazy.

      Delete
  33. Handshakes are usually very adventurous for me as my hands are now pretty wimpier than wimpy and thus cannot tolerate any kind a pressure beyond a girl fondling...ummm...shaking my hand.

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    1. Meanwhile, as a guy who trains MMA, my hands are calloused, my knuckles are all busted up at any given time, and I'm sure shaking my hand feels like wringing out a brillo pad.

      (Sorry to anyone who's had to shake my hand in the last 2 years)

      Delete
  34. Number 5 always gets me. I always end up shaking someone's clenched fist.

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    1. If you absolutely must fist bump, fist bump a friend. Not a complete stranger. Isn't that just common sense?

      Delete
  35. My favourite handshake is when the other person doesn't let go. It makes it very difficult to type. I mean, seriously. Take the hint. Yes, I'm talking about you.

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    1. It seems like two pumps is a good rule of thumb for handshakes. Three is pushing it. Anything after that is just playing tug of war with my hand.

      Delete
  36. I hate shaking hands with someone with sweaty palms. Gross! Then, what do I do with the sweat they left on my hand? Wipe it on their shirt? No, I have to discreetly wipe my hand on my pants to remove their slime. *shudder*

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    1. I think "slime" is the perfect description for such a thing. Maybe even "sludge" depending on the viscosity of their hand-slime.

      Delete
  37. I'm with Elsie. I shook hands with someone with super sweaty hands once and, without thinking, wiped off my hands. He was probably mortified, but I'd like to think he was just super anxious anyway and was focusing on his anxiety. Maybe.

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    1. If the option is wipe your hands off and mortify them vs keep their hand-slime on you until they're out of sight... I'd wipe, too.

      Delete
  38. I can't stand that one women do all the time where they just grip the tips of your fingers. The Tipper? Or where they hold their hand out like you're supposed to kiss it, but that's actually their handshake. Women should know how to shake hands properly just as much as men. It gives me the squickies when I get that stupid limp finger tip shake. ~Shudder~

    ReplyDelete
  39. What about those people that also kiss you on the cheeks? I normally panic and just do the jazz hands....heyooo

    ReplyDelete
  40. But have you ever had one of those dead fish handshakes from someone with sweaty palms? Because that's just the grossest. It makes me want to go right away and sanitize my hands. Or my whole body.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I hadn't really thought about the various handshakes until you pointed them out. Now I suppose I will find myself examining and grading future handshakes.

    The one that gets the immediate fail though is the gripper. (#1). There is a fine line between "firm" and "infirmary".

    ReplyDelete

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