Monday, December 2, 2013

In Case of Celery, Stab Repeatedly

The wife and I have always been pretty adventurous eaters. Not picky. Nothing we truly hate. Always willing to try something new and crazy. We've sampled many interesting foods, and none of them have tried to kill us... until now.

Meli recently discovered, after being able to eat it for a good 20-something years, that she is now suddenly allergic to celery. Not just allergic, but deathly allergic.




It all started off innocently enough. A few months ago she had some celery and it made her lips a little puffy. We learned from her allergist that she had developed an allergy to celery late in life, but since it just made her puff up a little bit, it was no big deal. Just avoid it. I mean, it's celery - no big loss, right?

But the other day we were eating some seafood and suddenly her throat started swelling up to the point of choking her. Thankfully it passed after a few frightening moments, and she was okay. It turns out the food had celery salt in it. Just to be on the safe side, she told her allergist. Who reacted kinda like this.


The doctor prescribed my wife an EpiPen and told her to carry it with her at all times, just in case. For those unfamiliar, it's the little emergency pen (let's not kid ourselves - big ass needle) full of adrenaline that you use if someone ingests something that they're deathly allergic to. Their body will fill with adrenaline and they won't die. Basically, it's this.









That's pretty much what could happen the next time Meli eats anything with celery in it. So now when we go to restaurants, we have to be THOSE people.

*Teenage server rolling her eyes so hard she gives her brain a black eye

So now Meli feels like a complete nerd because all it takes to kill her is a tiny, leafy green vegetable that's supposed to be good for you. And me? I feel a strange power surging through my veins... just knowing that I can kill my wife with nothing more than a tiny, leafy green vegetable.

Anyone else have any weird allergies?

Cheers and stay breathing, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Touch Sensitive
Beer: Colorojo


98 comments:

  1. I don't think you should really use the power of the celery. I don't have any weird allergies myself. I just have typical hay fever. I seem to be allergic to sunlight too, but I think that's just the hay fever. I had no clue what was actually in an epipen. I thought it was some kind of allergy medicine, specific to the allergy they have. I was pretty wrong there.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'm allergic to sunlight, too. I think it's a writer thing. Took my dogs out to pee this morning and still haven't stopped sneezing.

      Delete
  2. Does this mean for Halloween next year you are dressing as a stalk of celery so you can scare your wife?
    Food allergies are scary. At least she's not allergic to something she'd really want to eat.

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    1. Absolutely. If she was allergic to, say, chocolate cake, I think she would have just committed suicide on the spot.

      Delete
  3. That sucks! I mean being allergic to chocolate would suck a lot more, but having your kryptonite being a common grocery item must be maddening. I have a thing where if I eat a lot of pineapple it feels like I burned my tongue but my throat doesn't close over it. I would be pretty pissed at my body.
    My cousin would die if she ate a peanut, the Halloween my sisters spent with her, my uncle threw away ALL the candy with nuts. Didn't give it to them when they left. My sisters are 50 and they're still mad about it.
    Sorry about the celery, sneaky ass watery, seemingly safe vegetable.

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    1. That peanut allergy sounds miserable, since peanuts are in so much. We're in that fun phase of learning just how much stuff celery is in. Pasta sauce? Check. Seafood dishes? Aplenty. Want an all purpose seasoning? Chances are good celery salt is one of the last ingredients, but still enough to murder her.

      Delete
  4. I'm allergic to onions. But I have a love of Philly Cheesesteak. What can I say I like to live dangerously. My daughter is allergic to horses. Which is pretty awful since we may be the only people in this whole state that doesn't own a horse.

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    1. Well, since she might not accidentally eat a horse, her allergy doesn't seem that bad. Unless you guys eat horses, too. Living dangerously and all.

      Delete
  5. Awww man I have always always hated celery, it's the one thing that I've always found disgusting and wish it wouldn't exist, although not just as hated as the deadly onion is to me. Point is that now it has the potential to murder my blogging friend's wife I hate it even more, just ugh.

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    1. You bring up a valid point. There is just truly nothing good about celery. It should practically be banned from all public consumption.

      Delete
  6. Stupid friggin gluten screws me all the hell up. People can be allergic to anything and everything. Read once how a guy was allergic to water or something in it, had to dilute it. So always worse.

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    1. As a beer drinker, or rather guzzler, a gluten allergy would just destroy my world. I've tried gluten free beer before, and man... that shit is terrible.

      Delete
  7. I like to think people with specific allergies are a strain of vampire but have yet to discover the potential of their vampire powers. Also, I thought celery was made up of nothing. I thought it was just made up of water and nature's green food coloring.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. No, celery has three components. Water, green coloring, and DEATH. Black, overpowering DEATH.

      Delete
  8. CELERY? Good gawd, I've heard everything now. If the most innocuous of veggies can kill you, none of us are safe.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. We should pretty much all just live in bubbles, never leave the house, and communicate by Skype. This is what life has taught me.

      Delete
  9. I'm not allergic to celery. I just hate it. People say it's not possible to hate celery, but even a hint of ruins a meal for me.

    I think I'm going to start saying I'm deathly allergic to it now. I had not realized that was possible.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Not only is it possible, but suddenly avoiding your uncle's disgusting stuffing for Thanksgiving (which is 90% celery) isn't being "rude."

      In case you couldn't tell, I hate all things celery as well. Now I hate it even more.

      Delete
  10. I'm allergic to bullshit. Every time I hear it my fists clinch up and I go into a blind rage. In fact, my wife has forbidden me to watch the news!

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    1. Last time I watched the news my head started swelling up, and I broke out into a rash, and my throat started to close up. That may have been from all the yelling and thrashing around, though. Either way, I can see this as a viable allergy.

      Delete
  11. >>... but since it just made her puff up a little bit, it was no big deal. Just avoid it. I mean, it's celery - no big loss, right?

    Ha! That made me GOL. Right! I mean, I actually like celery but if my doctor told me I couldn't have it ever again, I'd be, like, "Oh, shucks. It's too painful; I can't go on."

    Hey, I know she's your wife an' all, but that illustration of you on top of her with that big prick in your hands... uncalled for, man!

    And speaking of "SHUCKS"... Will my local 'Total Wine & More' really score a shipment of 'SUCKS' today (Dec. 2nd)? Probably not, but you can be "SHURE" I will call later today to find out!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
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    1. At least she's not allergic to something like gluten. Ugh, could you imagine being forced to drink gluten free beer? Have you ever tried that stuff? It tastes every bit as horrible as you might think.

      Hey, I know she's your wife an' all, but that illustration of you on top of her with that big prick in your hands... uncalled for, man!

      So you're not supposed to stab it viciously into her chest? No wonder we haven't had kids yet. And no wonder she always flinches when she's near me.

      Delete
  12. Wow. Celery. Who knew? Seriously though, take the allergist at her word about the dying part.
    After ending up with a nut and sesame (WFT??) allergic child, I've been on the wrong side of a few nasty, nasty reactions. If I live to 300 and never have to live through another one, I will die happily.

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    1. It was already scary enough having to see her suffer through the first attack. I don't want to see what happens when it only gets worse and I have to use that EpiPen thing. It's no guarantee of her survival, either, it only helps keep her alive while paramedics come. A soothing notion, right?

      Delete
  13. This reminds me of that scene from Pulp Fiction.

    When we young one of my nephews stayed with us a few weeks. While there he offered to paint the cornice on the house. I came home the first morning for lunch and noticed very little had been done. When I ask the wife what was going on with the painting she said, "oh Tim's out there with a paint brush in one hand and a can of wasp repellant in the other. He said he could die from a wasp sting."

    ReplyDelete
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    1. A bee/wasp allergy has to be horrifying. Like, you're out in your garden one day and you see one of the little bastards floating along, and you just freeze up and pray this isn't the day they feel like being an asshole for no reason. And of COURSE they hover right toward you because they want to "investigate" you.

      Delete
    2. Yeah. We didn't know there were any wasps around. And that was the end of the painting job.

      Delete
  14. Got the same things (though a bit less intense) with apples, and strawberries to a lesser extent. Sucks balls, but hey, gotta live.
    Can she eat cooked celery? I can eat apple pie just fine, so eh.

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    1. Apples? Wow, that's crazy. And no, doesn't matter if it's cooked or not. Hell, the food that almost killed her was a single stuffed crab that had but a tiny sprinkle of celery salt on it. She took one tiny bite and her throat started closing up. At this point, I could only imagine what would happen if she ate actual celery.

      Delete
  15. WTH??????? No bloody Marys now with a celery stick as a condiment????

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    1. We never liked Bloody Marys to begin with. Vegetables have no place in alcoholic drinks, dammit.

      "Yeah, man, let's get fucked up tonight! I'll just grab the tomatoes and celery," said no guy ever.

      Delete
    2. That is too funny but, that is what I thought..as when I think celery I think Bloody Marys..had a few at an airport before a morning flight..certainly made the flight more enjoyable..

      Interesting site I will have to visit again...

      Delete
  16. Urgh what a nightmare - lucky celery is disgusting! My boyfriend's sister is allergic to pineapple, she swells up like a balloon if she has it. It's not funny because she can die, but it's also hilarious because she swells up like a balloon x

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    1. Unfortunately, my wife doesn't swell up comically. I actually would enjoy that (in a deranged way, as long as she, you know, didn't die. Or suffer greatly from it).

      Delete
  17. Pulp Fiction's got nothing on your portrayal of an overdose of celery!! Seriously, that is some scary stuff. I never understood how you can develop an allergy to something you've eaten your whole life but I guess you can. I feel bad for your wife. Now I have a question. Since the produce department in grocery stores smell of celery, does that make her feel ill?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Just six months before it gave her puffy lips we'd been eating 'ants on a log' as a healthy snack about once a week.

      Also, the smell does make her ill (though I think it's just in her head), and anything within a five foot radius of the actual celery she'll make me get.

      Delete
  18. No wierd allergies for me. My son, on the other hand, is deathly allergic to peanuts and all peanut products. I have no shame in frisking everyone that comes near him with food. "Hey, punk. You packing any peanuts? Yeah? Well, STAY AWAY FROM MY SON OR I SWEAR I WILL CUT YOU AND YOUR PB&J AND ALL OF YOUR EVIL SPAWN!!!"

    Don't mess with Mama Bear.

    And tell Meli that an Epi Pen can be a great alternative weapon against potential attackers. How would you like to get stabbed in the throat with one of those suckers? EXACTLY. (So I wouldn't threaten her with celery too often, or you could get an Epi Pen to the face. Just sayin'...)

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    1. I'd like to congratulate you with the "honorary Mexican woman" award for that first paragraph. Bravo.

      And as for being stabbed with an EpiPen, what if it gave me super strength because of all of the adrenaline and all I ended up doing was going all Hulk on the entire neighborhood? What then?

      (I watch too many movies)

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    2. You wouldn't go Hulk unless that EpiPen also contains some form of Gamma radiation, I'm pretty sure you're safe there. However, I can't guarantee that it doesn't contain any venom from a radioactive spider...so you could become some sort of Spiderman figure...but maybe you'd be okay with that one... (Oh wait, didn't I tell you? I'm a movie nerd.)

      Delete
    3. That depends. Would I have to be Tobey Maguire? Because I'd love to be Spiderman, but not if I had to be Tobey Maguire. No superhero deserves that kind of punishment.

      Delete
    4. No, you can be Andrew Garfield. But with the red hair and all, Mels would probably have to be Mary Jane Watson, instead of Gwen Stacy...so maybe she wouldn't want to deal with that...

      Delete
    5. That's fine by me, since Gwen Stacy dies a brutal death by Spiderman's very hand (in the comic world, anyway. Not sure if writers are going to be more generous to Emma Stone in coming movies...).

      Delete
  19. I've sadly developed my mum's allergy to dairy which really is no fun! It won't quite kill me, but I wish I couldn't eat celery instead of cheese! Oh god, now I'm thinking about cheese.

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    1. Yikes. I couldn't imagine being unable to eat cheese. That's like half of my diet.*

      *the word 'diet' might be used very, very loosely in that case

      Delete
    2. >>... Yikes. I couldn't imagine being unable to eat cheese. That's like half of my diet.

      Two-thirds of mine. (The best third, however, is hops 'n' malt.)

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  20. That's really scary, that a dash of celery-salt can kill her. You not only have to ask about celery but also seasonings and celery salt? Brutal. I was trained on using an Epipen before, when I worked at a preschool - all sorts of allergies. It made me very nervous, and luckily I didn't have to ever do it. Usually, it was for peanut allergies. I've never heard of a celery allergy. So much for eating healthy. Sorry. That really stinks.

    xoRobyn

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    1. Thankfully we can eat healthy in other ways, so that's not too big a loss. Did you have to use a practice EpiPen? They gave me a plastic practice pen, and the fake needle doesn't "pop out" unless you jab it hard enough. Meaning you really have to put some arm into it. No pressure!

      Delete
    2. I think I had to try it in a CPR/First Aid class, but I couldn't do it with enough force. Yeah, you have to violently stab your loved one so they don't die. Nice! A twisted test of your love for your wife.

      Delete
  21. When I was in high school, I suddenly became allergic to watermelon. I grew up eating watermelon, but it started making my face red and itchy when I would eat it. Scratch your face off itchy.
    Yeah, I don't eat that anymore.

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    1. Damn our pathetic human bodies. I thought we were supposed to evolve to become stronger, not weaker over time.

      "Yeah, I can bench press 250 lbs and run 20 miles, but eating a delicious fruit will probably kill me."

      Delete
  22. I developed an allergy to avocados as an adult. Nothing life threatening but obviously no longer being able to eat guacamole is much worse.

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    1. As a Mexican woman, I can only assume that if my wife was no longer able to eat guacamole she'd just have to be ostracized from her entire heritage.

      Delete
  23. Oooof that is scary! Luckily I don't have any killer allergies. Yet.

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    1. Just wait. One day you could wake up and be allergic to pie. Or wine. WHAT THEN?

      Delete
  24. Kind of odd that I never heard much about food allergies thirty years ago (unless they always develop later in life). And celery...isn't it basically water?

    I wonder why they develop later in life and why it gets worse?

    Or maybe....your wife is now one of the pod people?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The scientific answer: it's less to do with the celery and more with where it's grown. It's actually the allergens that are attached to the celery plant that are killing her, not the celery itself.

      The unscientific answer: because celery is gross and evil, and it serves to cause humans as much misery as possible (including taste).

      Delete
  25. an allergy to celery? This is the first time i have heard of it. Personally ive never really hated celery unless its raw, i've actually never hated veggies, except for the deadly brussel sprouts.
    I used to be allergic to eggs and tartrazine(look it up) tho.

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    1. Ha, how bizarre. I knew a girl in middle school who was allergic to red food dye. Only the red. Such odd mysteries, our bodies.

      As a health nut I don't hate vegetables either, but I'll make an exception just this once since this particular vegetable wants to assassinate my other half.

      Delete
  26. How bizarre! That is a new one to me. And I can completely imagine servers in restaurants thinking she is just being picky. But I mean, if her throat closed up just from celery salt, imagine if she eats actual celery now! Pretty terrifying. But even though it's serious business, it's a tiny bit funny that it is celery and not some tougher veggie! I cracked up at the 'in case of celery' sign.

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    1. Seriously, the girl at one place gave us such a weird look because we asked if there was any celery salt in their Chicago dog. She had to go ask a manager and everything. But an authentic Chicago dog usually has celery salt, which would murder her, so... that's kinda something important to know before consuming.

      RIP Meli. 1989-2013. Died doing what she loved. Eating hot dogs.

      Delete
  27. allergies are strange, I'm glad I'm not really allergic to anything (yet). I knew a girl allergic to pineapples and dogs. Sucks to be her.

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    1. We have a friend who's allergic to pineapples, but she doesn't really like them, so that works out well. And most people I know are allergic to dogs or cats in one way or another and just say "fuck it" because they love the stupid things so much. Me most definitely included.

      Delete
  28. I never thought I'd hear about someone being allergic to celery. If someone told me they can't eat the sandwich I made them because it has celery in it, I'd peg them fut an ass-hat. There's such a thing as celery salt?

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    1. Yes, celery salt is a real thing, and it's exactly what it sounds like. You know what it is, more than that, though? White people shit. Seriously, they use it in everything. Pasta sauce. Seafood seasoning. In soups. On salads. On hot dogs. In sandwiches. Which makes us extra "ass-hat-ish" because that means we have to ask about eeeeverything we eat now, just in case that particular food was even lightly seasoned with it.

      Delete
  29. My sister has diabetes (not the "I have a shit diet" one but the "my pancreas has fucked off"), and she was diagnosed when we were quite young. So as a 9 year old I was learning how to use big arse needles to save my sister.

    Authors tip: To spice things up in the bed room you can now re-enact that scene from Pulp Fiction; you be John Travolta and give her celery cocaine/heroin.

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    1. I'll be John Travolta as long as I don't end up being secretly gay and joining a cult and going bald.

      Delete
  30. Celery tastes like watery garbage anyways, she isn't missing out.

    And yes, I had entire blog posts dedicated to things I'm allergic to (but won't kill me) which include (but aren't limited to): avocados, raw carrots and apples, peaches, cherries, almonds, soy milk, and lychee.

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    1. I remember that post. Not only is your body adamantly trying to kill you, but an Asian that's allergic to lychee? Now I've heard everything.

      Delete
  31. That sucks for her. I too developed an allergy late in life. No joke, I'm allergic to wet wipes. I found this out the hard way. After a couple of years of enjoying moistened butt wiping, two years of my anus being clean enough to sterilize utensils (why use soap and water when you can use your highly cleansed anus?) suddenly one day I developed a massive rash on my rusty sheriff's badge. I thought it was a coincidence, so a few days later, I tried again. Then again a year later. Alas, my anus would no longer reach the heights of cleanliness it did back in those salad days.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Sounds like someone needs to invest in a bidet. Happiness and cleanliness and sterile utensils can be yours once more...

      Delete
  32. An allergist? You Americans and your crazy advanced healthcare...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, but our healthcare system is still a horrific mess that costs us an arm and a leg just to try to stay healthy, so who's advanced now?

      Delete
  33. Oh no, how did one just get a celery allergy, it seems so random. Then again I developed lactose intolerance just 4 years ago..sigh. I used to be really allergic to the sun. 5 minutes out in sunshine and I would look like I had the measles. My parents butter me up with sun-cream..but as the years passed I finally "grew" out of the allergy I guess.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A literal sun allergy? That just seems like life's way of saying, "Don't go out there. It's bad out there."

      It's not wrong.

      Delete
  34. I have to admit, this is the first time I have heard of anyone allergic to celery. I am allergic to penicillin and get a rash all over my body, head to toe. I am swollen, red, and look hideous.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Allergic to medicine... what kind of cruel joke is that, right?

      Delete
  35. Death by a vegetable, great book title

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you don't write that bestseller, I just might.

      Delete
  36. I discovered only a few years ago that I'm allergic to salmon. No other sort of seafood, just salmon. I was eating a salmon steak with some friends, and one of them just looked at me and gasped because I'd broken out in hives. It's a shame, it was a good salmon steak too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least you got to enjoy it before it raped your face?

      Delete
  37. Poor Meli! I've never heard of an allergy to celery. That's kinda scary because I have no idea what foods celery salt could be added too.

    I have an emergency syringe on my nightstand for my hubby. He's a type 1 diabetic. My instructions: If he has a low blood sugar and he's not responding to me, stab ONE TIME in the ass or leg. He's afraid I'll reenact the scene from Horrible Bosses….and he should be….muwahhhaaa!!!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Celery Salt is in EVERYTHING. Soups. Salads. Hot dogs. Pasta sauces. Seafood.

      When I was trying to think of "EpiPen stabbing scenes" I couldn't think of any. How could I forget Horrible Bosses? That one was great.

      Delete
  38. Aside from having seasonal allergies (in all four seasons) and animal allergies (cats, rodents, farm animals...) I have what is possibly the most ironic of all allergies; I am allergic to... Allergy medicines.

    Allegra
    Zyrtec
    Claratin

    All of these make me break out in full body hives that last for a week or more. And I do not mean teeny-tiny, itch like mosquito bite hives but monstrous, inflamed, throbbing, fire under the skin hives.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't mean to laugh, but being allergic to allergy medicines might be one of the cruelest cosmic jokes there is. I'll have to pass that onto the wife to remind her that things could be much, much worse.

      Delete
  39. There is no shame in telling waiters that you have an allergy. At least it's a legitimate reason to ask what's in the food. You won't get funny looks from people every time you ask them to make ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN there is no cheese in that. ....although at this point I just say it's a psychological allergy. Sounds legit, right?

    I don't understand how allergies just develop. Lil Sis had the same thing happen to her over the summer--all of a sudden she is allergic to pretty much everything (not kidding, the scratch test made her entire right side swell up for nearly a week). Weird.

    xo

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    1. I know there's no shame in asking, but sometimes, just sometimes, people think you're being a total drama queen when you say, "No really, please make sure it doesn't have it, this could KILL her." You know, like that teenage way of saying, "Oh my God, that was so awful I COULD JUST DIE."

      Delete
  40. I'm allergic to an old timey drug called declomycine (spelled it wrong). Whenever I tell a new doctor or nurse about what I'm allergic to, they respond by saying, "What's that?"

    Beyond that, only gobs of sugar allergic am I to.

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    Replies
    1. I think we're all allergic to gobs of sugar and gobs of fat one way or another. Diabetes, heart attack, or death. Though I'd rather OD on sugar than celery any day.

      Delete
  41. Great post! First time I've visited after seeing your comments around other blogs. Fabulous comics, too!!

    I have never heard of an acquired allergy to celery. Heck, I've never heard of anyone actually being allergic to it at all. I mean, yeah, it's pretty much a useless vegetable except for being a leafy swizzle-stick in a Bloody Mary, but who knew that it could kill? I'd be nervous about eating anything -- who knows what will be the next seemingly-harmless thing to suddenly unleash it's inner evilness??? White bread? Ketchup? Oreos??!?!

    Thankfully, I have no known allergies, and can enjoy almost every kind of food. Well, except mushrooms -- they're a vile fungus that grow in excrement. Who in their right mind eats that?!?! Oh, and Bleu Cheese. I prefer my cheese before it turns fuzzy and rancid, thank you very much...

    ReplyDelete
  42. I'm allergic to spinach so when I eat a salad or anything salady, I have to be one of those people too. "Does this have spinach in it?" "No, why? Would you like some?" "NO! Allergy. No spinach. Ever."

    Speaking from experience, it's not a big deal if somebody just asks their server that.

    When you track down a server who isn't yours, it gets annoying because they aren't the one getting the tip. The only time I got pissed about it was because a woman literally asked if there were eggs in something and when I went to check, she got mad and yelled at me for not listing every ingredient in dish. So when I did, she got mad for not telling her everything (I guess what the pasta is made out of?) and no she did not want a manager! I totally got the manager and let him deal with that shit. Bad tippers too. I made like two dollars a person at that table.

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  43. Aaah I have a pen like that too because I'm super allergic to peanuts!

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  44. That's fucking scary, glad she is OK. And also a challenge to Mr. RK, who questions the superiority of vegetables.

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  45. Yeah celeri tastes like soil at times.

    Followed.

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  46. Awesome blog!!!
    Can we follow each other via gfc bloglovin and G+?
    Follow me and leave me a comment so that I can follow back.
    http://asweetwoorld.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  47. Thanks for your comment :) Yes, he plays football for FC Barcelona haha

    ReplyDelete
  48. I'm actually fortunate that I have ZERO known allergies. My perfect record was destroyed 3 days after I ate my first pomegranate. I was itchy and covered in hives. From then on I see it on sale in the grocery store and I get all Stewie Griffin on it - Pomegranate must die!

    ReplyDelete

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