Monday, December 23, 2013

Agent Santa Claus is Coming to Town

This week is Christmas, and to celebrate, we wanted to sing you a little Christmas song. One you probably already know and love. Because this year, we feel that Santa Claus is Coming to Town is even more relevant than it's ever been before.

Sing along with us, will you?

You better watch out
You better not cry



Better not pout
I'm telling you why





Santa Claus is coming to town

He's making a list
And checking it twice


He's gonna find out
Who's naughty and nice



Santa Claus is coming to town


He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake


He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!


~FIN~

So just remember, kids, Santa knows when you're sleeping, he knows when you've been lying to your parents, and he knows that you're into some really weird Internet porn. And now that Santa's been snooping on all of our Internet browser histories, well, Christmas has been officially canceled, you sick asshole.

If you should still choose to celebrate this holiday, then we wish you to have the very best. Just don't expect any presents from Santa unless it's a bar of soap and a Bible.

In closing, we'd like to continue the holiday theme by tipping our hats to this week's...

Bonehead of the Week

Which goes to... Krampus!

For those of you unfamiliar with Krampus, he's basically the hell-bound counterpart of jolly olde St. Nick. And whereas Santa Claus is tasked with the the slaphappy job of giving out Christmas presents to the "good" kids, he leaves the dirty work of punishing the "asshole" kids to Krampus. In simpler terms, Krampus is Santa's hitman. He finds the bad kids, drags them out of their beds, stuffs them in a basket, and beats the living shit out of them with a big ass stick.

Also, Krampus is apparently fond of the Taiwanese "Licking Torture" method.
So why is Krampus our bonehead of the week? Because he's really dropped the ball, that's why. We need Krampus more than ever this holiday season and he is nowhere to be seen. Let's face it, with all of the little snots we've seen snubbing their noses at the last generation iPad because that's sooo 2012, maybe they just need the asshat beaten out of them by a horrifying, immortal demon, right? Right?

Cheers and stay classy, folks! And whether you celebrate Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or just another happy day of mindless existence... enjoy it. We know we will.

-B&B

Beer: Upslope Belgian Style Pale Ale
Music: Howlin' Wolf








96 comments:

  1. I don't think I'd want a new XBox that bad...
    Maybe someone took out Krampus for surfing for Internet porn?
    Have a great Christmas, guys!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Crap, you're right. If there's one thing an evil goat demon has a weak spot for, it's boobies.

      You have a great Christmas too, Alex.

      Delete
  2. Whew! I've got to hurry up with this message and get out and do something good! I'm not absolutely, 100% positive I'm on the good list. Hope it's not too late to get switched over. Santa's packing now??? Crap. And he has rockets??? Well I know what I want for Christmas - a gun and a bunker. You know, just in case...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are bunkers Santa-proof, though? I feel like he could still get into one.

      It's too late, though. Santa's already seen the kinds of things you surf online. You're getting a gallon of holy water for Christmas.

      Delete
  3. That dude wearing that Christmas sweater needs to grow some balls.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I daresay that wearing a Christmas sweater with reckless abandon takes a LOT of balls.

      Delete
  4. It's more difficult than ever for children to be on the Nice List. Apparently, Santa won't even deliver presents to even the nicest homeless boys and girls because, in his words, "They're leeching off of taxpayer's money." And to him, that's present enough.

    Also, with the recent studies determining Santa to be Middle Eastern, he would make an excellent spy.

    And, Krampus is terrifying. I'd be the nicest kid in the world had I known of his existance as a child.

    ReplyDelete
  5. If Krampus really does lick kids like he's doing in that picture, I understand why he's not around.

    Kids taste terrible and they are covered with germs. Even getting near one is bound to give you six viruses and and some weird bacterium.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's true. I think I've read somewhere that you're 100% more likely to get Hepatitis C from licking a kid than you are from sharing dirty needles.

      Delete
  6. I for one feel safer knowing that Santa is on the job, tracking down and dishing out punishment to those people who hate us for our freedom. And Satan... er, I mean "SANTA" -- is such a badass that he doesn't even need any help. So maybe our troops can come home now and spend Christmas with their families.

    [See what happens when you interject even the teensiest bit of politics into a blog bit? I jump right in! Give me a small opening and a bottle of Colorado Native Lager and I'm on it. ...Ooh, that didn't sound right, did it?]

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you saying you don't support the elves? Because it's downright un-American to not support our boys in green.

      Delete
    2. Oh, far be it from me to fail to support our boys in green!

      I support the elves!
      I support the troops!
      I support our president!

      And I support... EVERYONE else I'm supposed to support to prove my Patriotic Americanism! (I still hate American Indians! What more proof of my American Patriotism should anyone need?)

      Incidentally, SIX-PACK O' B, I am working my way through the Great Gift and even making some notes - some mental, some in a Word File - so I can give you decent feedback. Saving the 'Hoppy Boys' for Christmas Eve, however.

      I have some pronounced opinions already that I will share with you later. But just one more remark for now: DUDE! It must have taken you 2 hours to pack all that stuffs up, because it took me 90 minutes to unpack it! I was impressed by your six-packing!

      You will get some of that packing material back early in the new year when I send ya a full six o' H.K. (If there's anything else you can't get out there and think I might be able to send from here, make a list and Email it. I'll check with my local TW&M.)

      There were 3 I liked a great deal, and I'm still looking forward to 'Hoppy Boy' (what a WONDERFUL name!)

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  7. Krampus has dropped the ball. Damn, I think I'll get a bomb shelter for christmas. Xbox isn't worth any probing

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You think that's bad? You should see what you have to do for a PS4.

      Delete
  8. Like the Tim Allen movie, I think Santa claus is a role taken by others over the centuries. The new Santa must be George W. Bush.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Santa got lost 3 times on the way to my house, and then asked me to show him how his GPS worked, and then handed me a toaster. So yes, totally plausible that that was just George W. Bush in costume.

      Delete
  9. God I hope Santa doesn't get his hands on my internet history. I really want my My Little Pony playset this year.

    I never thought I'd be able to say that seriously.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As an adult male, maybe he'll give you that playset anyway thinking it's some kind of punishment for you. But oh, how wrong he is.

      Delete
  10. Ha! "The NSA isn't spying on you, sweetie! They're...they're working for santa! Yeah! That's the ticket!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Santa thinks you've been a good girl, but Agent Thompson says you've been an asshole. So no Christmas this year, pumpkin! Sorry!"

      Delete
  11. Santa was the first to use drones. It's true, that's why no one has seen him in a while. He and his elves developed the technology in the 60's and without having to work even the one day a year got so obese and inert that his body has fused to his bed. RIP Blitzen, you reportedly tasted great fried. And my condolences to the "Fat Man Scrubber" division of the elves.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Scrubbing under all of those folds is probably worse than pulling him across the entire planet in one night. But hey, what's a guy gotta do to get some fried reindeer around here? Can no one 'drone' me up some?

      Delete
  12. Love the new look and this had me and my youngest (14) really cracking up. So looking forward to Mondays now.
    As to beer, please tell me you've had New Belgium Brewing's Fat Tire? Amber ale. Best beer on planet. Second best? Momma's Little Yella Pils (and not just for the totally clever name, but because it's a truly great lager.
    Merry Christmas guys.
    I'm not worried about anyone spying on me. I know they have me on 24/7 surveillance since I used to be a chronic pain patient. I've never seen such a fine-toothed comb...
    Tina @ Life is Good

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We've had both of those fine beers and do enjoy them. You have a good taste in brews. Cheers to that! And I hope the NSA agent that's tracking me likes boobs and Indie rock videos, because that's exactly what he's getting.

      Delete
  13. Sigh. Didn't get enough sleep. Momma's Little Yella Pils is a PILSNER. From Oskar Blues. Local microbrew, though I know they have a set up in one of the Carolinas...
    Tina @ Life is Good

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're familiar with Oskar Blues (pretty good food, too). If you like the Little Yella Pils, try Polestar Pilsner from Lefthand. That's pretty damn tasty as well.

      Delete
    2. Damn...are you Colorado boys??? Their fried pickles are the best I've ever had, and their bleu cheese burger is uh-mazing.
      Tina @ Life is Good

      Delete
  14. I thought Krampus was the Greek god of PMS....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ba-zing! Makes sense, though. I've seen the face of PMS at its worst, and it looks a lot more like an enraged goat monster than it does a human woman.

      Delete
  15. The featured the Krampus on Grimm last week, and I swear, I was rooting for that fucker! Little bastards had it coming.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How can you hate a guy who just keeps your kids in line with simple beatings and chokings?

      Delete
  16. Um. I do believe Krampus paid me a visit one year. Oddly enough, it was when I was 10 and into spying. Really! I got caught spying on my sister, who was wrapping Christmas presents. That year, I was super excited about a new game called Dark Tower. After I got caught spying, my hilarious family decided to play a joke on me Christmas morning. There was a big package with my name on it under the tree. I just *knew* it was Dark Tower. I saved it for last, and when I opened it I found a LOG. Yes, a LOG. Oh, and a really funny note about how sneaky little spies got logs for Christmas, or something equally scarring.

    As I sat under the tree and wept (there is a picture documenting this fine holiday memory), someone took pity on me and told me my real present was in the (unlit) fireplace. Get it: where the log would have been? Yeah. So I ran downstairs to find Dark Tower in the fireplace. I was thrilled. I think I played with it approximately 4 times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I laughed out loud when you said you got a log. That's fantastic. Also, we should just all be glad no one turned on the fireplace, huh? "No, see, your real present is in the fireplace... annnd it's also black and charred." How scarring would that be? Like a middle finger from Santa.

      Delete
  17. I think you're right - if Santa was using browsing history as a means of judgment, Christmas would be cancelled altogether. Good thing there's no Wi-Fi in the North Pole! :) Merry Christmas, boys!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no, Santa just got Google Fiber! We're all fucked!
      (Merry Christmas!)

      Delete
  18. Hmm, I should have known that Santa is part of a spying network.

    That's good investigative journalism there. Edward Snowden didn't even figure how deep this particular rabbit hole went. You guys probably need to book your flights to Russia as soon as possible.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At a certain point, I feel like living in a jail cell beats living in Russia. Especially in the winter.

      Delete
  19. Merry Christmas guys! Now, quit trying to scare me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, he's not that scary in real life. Krampus, I mean. Santa is a living nightmare, though. Merry Christmas!

      Delete
  20. So you mean to tell me Santa is in on it too? Can't trust the government, now we can't trust Santa! And if you can't trust Santa then who can you trust? Krampas?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Come 2016 my vote's going to Krampus. Or Hypnotoad. All glory to Hypnotoad

      Oh, and Merry Christmas!

      Delete
    2. That toad is quite mesmerizing! He's got my vote!

      Delete
  21. I've never really thought about it, but that Santa song is just as creepy as that "I'll Love You Forever" book, where the old lady mom crawls into her son's bedroom to whisper that she loves him!

    Merry Christmas guys! And if you pop by my blog and can't get to it, don't worry, I'm alive, just having issues. I'll be back!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I did notice your blog issues. I thought maybe Krampus swallowed your site.

      You know what else is creepy? "Baby It's Cold Outside." It's basically a song about rape.

      "My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry?
      Father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
      So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry
      Maybe just a half a drink more - Put some records on while I pour."

      Rape.

      Oh, and Merry Christmas!

      Delete
  22. This Christmas I got knowledge, delivered to me by ABftS. I never knew tears came from under our bottom eyelids!
    Happy holidays folks~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They hang under there like icicles. That -100 degree weather is no joke. Besides, we all knew Santa was a robot anyway. He's just faking it.

      Delete
  23. Santa, a bad ass. The whole adding of the military security jets to the Santa radar is starting to make more sense now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Psssh, Santa radar is fake anyway. He just uses it to see if anyone attempts an offensive strike on him. Then he nukes them from his REAL location. That tricky bastard.

      Delete
  24. I like this because it feels like two related posts in one. I like that because it's twice as likely to make me laugh.

    I vote we put Krampus' behind the Santas at the mall!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just crunched the numbers, and it seems the math adds up. Glad to bring you twice the laughter for half the posts.

      Also, if they posted a job listing for "Mall Krampus," I would take it in a heartbeat. Payment not even necessary.

      Delete
  25. I see that "Elf on the Shelf" has been superseded by "Elf up the Wazoo." Merry Christmas to you both! Watch out for that drone strike with your names on it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But how will I differentiate the bad drone from the good Amazon drone bringing me my Christmas presents? Ahhh, first world holiday problems...
      Merry Christmas!

      Delete
  26. Brilliant work, fantastic Xmas post. I like all the special effects, like Al Gore's approval, "Totally not suspicious" surveillance van...All in all, it's good to be a lonely Jew on Christmas. Kyle and I will be just fine. (I'm assuming you know the South Park reference to my favorite Xmas tune.)

    PS I admire how you're celebrating. May it be as rewarding for you as it is for them.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. After realizing how creepy Santa really is, I may just join you and Mr. Broflovkski for Hanukkah (definitely know the tune).

      Also, the homeless can be ungrateful dicks, like when they ask "Really, this is ALL I'm getting?" and throw it on the ground or they say to my wife "You're fat," but for the most part it's a pretty cool, rewarding experience. :)

      Delete
  27. Shouldn't that be XXXBox?

    Merry Christmas, Dudes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It most definitely should be. But you don't want to see what kind of PS4-play he had to start it all with.

      Merry Christmas!

      Delete
  28. You're not the only one who got an Xbox One. My boyfriend is playing on it right now. He's happier than Little Suzy would be to get an actual pony. Five people called me the best girlfriend ever and my brother said I'm the most generous person ever. I was like, "Psh, duh." Now I'm hoping I still get a present and not stuffed in a bag and beaten with a stick, because that would be unpleasant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If that doesn't save you from Krampus, I don't know what will. As for us... neither of us have XBoxes. We just wanted to sound cool. I mean, it's better to say "Yeah, I got a new XBox One" instead of saying, "Yeah, I got an itchy sweater and a gift card to Chili's."

      Delete
  29. Christmas violence is like my third or fourth favorite kind of violence.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm surprised you can even pick. Me? I just love all violence.

      Delete
  30. I'm not sure if the best part of this post is your repeated, creative use of "NSA" throughout the entire thing, or Krampus. So much fabulosity. Well done.

    Actually I think that Krampus guy got pinched for terrorist activity just last month. It's a crying shame, really. I mean, when a child-beating demon can't simultaneously have a subscription to "Guns and Ammo," "72 Virgins Monthly," and search the internet for crop-dusting classes, this country really has gone to crap. We should all come together to break him out of Gitmo, so he can do something about the serious "Bratty Kid Outbreak" and Hipster Infestation that has plagued the world. Wait, maybe I shouldn't have posted a plot like that on the internet...

    Merry Christmas! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My biggest concern with doing the bigger, better cartoons is that no one's going to notice the subtle things. So... if even one person noticed them, then I'm happy.

      I heard about Krampus, and we're both itching to spring him from the slammer. But since those Nosy Santa Agents are all up on this site, we have to host those particular conversations over at our other site, www.iamdefinitelynotaterrorist.net.

      (www.iamdefinitelynotaterrorist.com was already taken. By terrorists. I know, I'm as surprised as you are)

      Delete
    2. Ooohhh! Good plan! No one will suspect you with a URL like that! Clever boys. :)

      Delete
  31. Hey Guys!! Merry Christmas. Missed you these past few weeks, especially your humor. Love the new format. Have a great holiday.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Merry Christmas to you too, and welcome back to the blogosphere! The NSA agents on the left will show you what is and is not acceptable blog behavior. I'm sure you'll find their new rules are "da bomb."

      ...Crap, I'm being carted away.

      Delete
  32. Now it all makes perfect sense. Santa is the original NSA. As for Krampus. He is working over in Germany. I hadn't ever heard of him until I started to hear German parents tell their kids they had to behave or Krampus would take care of them. (not in a good way).

    Well...years of guilt just evaporated. I might of made some mistakes as a parent but I didn't sic, monstrous evil beings to threaten my kids into behaving. "Just wait until your Dad gets home seems pretty mild in comparison.

    Happy Holidays, Bryan and Brandon!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Krampus is pretty big in Europe I hear, and I believe his background stems from the Alpine states, Germany being one of them. I bet you also saw plenty of good children during your time in Germany. This is no coincidence. This is all Krampus.

      Delete
  33. I would not want to mess with Krampus. He is badass. On another note, I loved your breakdown of Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Very entertaining. Merry Christmas.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I hope it was worth the time we're being forced to spend in Gitmo for "exposing government secrets." Merry Christmas!

      Delete
  34. Merry Christmas and may Santa NEVER reveal the results of that internet history search. I swear some of those sites were research for articles...some of them. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Things I've had to Google in the past for the sake of novels: what human flesh tastes like, how damaging an axe can be and if it can chop through bone, necrophilia and grave robbing, etc. I can only imagine what the NSA thinks of me.

      Delete
  35. Poor Little Timmy! I always felt like I was missing out by not celebrating Christmas, but now--not so much. Hopefully, Hanukkah Harry will not be following in Santa's footsteps next year. This is definitely a holiday classic! Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, and Happy New Year to you as well! And Hannukah Harry says to stop looking at all of "those" types of sites. You're going to get viruses. He said you'd know what that meant.

      Delete
  36. This all makes a lot more sense than the drunken explanation my Mum gave of Santa as a kid. Happy Christmas boys! xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did someone say drunken? Pass that spiked nog, will you? And of course Happy Christmas!

      Delete
  37. He sees all of our porn? Uh oh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, and you're getting a sock full of rocks for Christmas, my friend.

      Delete
  38. I really hope I don't get an Xbox for Christmas this year!

    Man, Santa is a bad ass! Then again, with kids being such doucebags nowadays, he has to be. The world is filled with way to many ingrates. That's why my kids get absolutely nothing for Christmas. Gotta keep their expectations low for the real world. ha ha!

    Merry Christmas Beer Boys!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You could combine the two by getting an Xbox and filling it with paperweights. So at first they unwrap it and think they got an Xbox, then they see it's just full of empty promises, like all of their hopes and dreams. It's a valuable life lesson worth much more than a silly video game machine.

      Too dark?

      Merry Christmas!

      Delete
    2. Not to dark at all. I'll be back later - I have a bunch of gifts to empty and rewrap. I'll post pictures of my children crying Christmas night.

      Delete
  39. The NSA must have santa on the payroll

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let's not kid ourselves, Santa would probably do this for free. He's sick like that.

      Delete
  40. There will be no one on the naughty list with santa going crazy on the kids

    ReplyDelete
  41. Anyone else have Blogger issues yesterday? Every time I tried to go to a site, I'd get a weird page of text. I was thinking it may be a virus but I got it on my work machine as well.

    Anyway, this post was worth the wait-very funny, a little scary,but I know O Bammy Claus is gonne put some HOPE and CHANGE in my stocking this year...

    Merry Christmas guys!

    LC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He also put a little free healthcare in mine. I'm gonna go take up smokin' to celebrate.

      No blogger issues over here... you sure you didn't visit any of those anti-Santa sites...?

      Delete
  42. What would you do for an Xbox One...err, I mean a Klondike Bar?

    Marry Christmas to you both and to your families!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. These days you have to get your butt examined for anything. Like even just taking a simple flight. So I wouldn't be surprised if they start doing that for chocolate snacks too.

      Delete
  43. OMG! Only you two could come up with this. And yes, we need Krampus, and we need to clone him. Send him to Portland when he's free, k?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Judging by the 5 year old I just saw talking on an iPhone, Krampus is still MIA. Krampus - where are you when we need you more than ever?

      Delete
  44. Santa has sure entered the 21st century!

    Great post guys! That part with Santa interigating the kid was priceless! It got me in the holiday spirit!

    PS I think if Santa finds out you have weird internet porn search results he uses it to get you weird internet porn... at least that's how I explain all the weird porn on my computer.

    Merry Christmas!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "No honey, I didn't download any porn. Santa must have given me Buxom Blondes 6. Blame him!"

      That logic works just fine for me!

      Delete
  45. Yeah, freedom in a sack! Christmas is saved.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I do love Krampus. Hope you guys had a great Christmas!

    ReplyDelete

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