Monday, December 30, 2013

2013: A Year in Drunken Review

Despite the insistence of many a back-alley fortune teller, Brandon and Bryan have both lived to survive another year on this planet. And what a year it's been. In case you've been too preoccupied with trying to solve that damned Rubik's cube, here's what you missed out on in 2013...



  • Miley Cyrus lost her mind. And was paid a shit ton. (You're welcome for us not drawing her weird chicken butt-gap thing... people already saw that plenty this year)

  • Breaking with historical tradition, The British Royal Family bore yet another non-inbred baby, and people couldn't get enough of it. So far William and Kate's baby is looking pretty cute, but if it's anything like dear ol' dad, it'll look devilishly handsome for the first quarter of its life and then just completely fall apart after 25.

Because remember, ladies, this dreamboat...


is only ever five to ten years away from looking like your bald, creepy uncle that no one wants to be left alone with at parties.


You know, the one who loves knock knock jokes. And tickles.

  • The U.S. Government shut down. Oddly enough, there was no noticeable change in progress of "things getting done."
  • Also, Edward Snowden informed us that the US was spying on not just its own people, but other countries, and was using extreme invasions of privacy. And because of it he's an evil, awful, manipulative terrorist traitor to the US who needs to desperately be captured and put to death.

...this message sponsored by the US Government.

As if our privacy wasn't already nonexistent on the Internet.


  • Not to be outdone in the 'our government is a joke' department, North Korean supreme leader* and Michelin Man impersonator Kim Jong Un launched a missile program that made an elementary school science project look dangerous.

*This was earlier misprinted as 'supreme reader,' which is what Kim calls himself, but that doesn't make any sense since we're told he's illiterate














  • The new pope... is cool? It wasn't just enough that former pope and evil-warlock-lookalike Benedict stepped down, but the new (and improved?) Pope Francis came in like a wrecking ball (pardon the awful Miley Cyrus pun). He's likable, he's down to earth, and has said to stop worrying so damn much about abortion, contraception, and homosexuals, because there's a lot more important shit going on in the world. He even changed the once bulletproof glass-covered popemobile so that he's way out in the open. His way of telling the world 'come at me bro.' If that isn't gangsta, I don't know what is.


We never thought we'd see the day that a pope is considered cooler than we are. Which is kind of depressing. So we'll end on that note, and jump straight to our...

ABftS Bonehead of the Year 

That's right, the whole year. And this year's honor easily goes to the aforementioned Kim Jong Un. Just look at the facts. All in one year this man executed his ex-girlfriend for baring her ankles on TV, executed his uncle for disagreeing with him, launched a missile that was limper and more pathetic than Hugh Hefner's 87 year old 'rocket', and has his whole country convinced that they could crush us all with their superior military forces... they just choose not to, because he's, like, super merciful and peaceful and stuff.

And so this 200 lb diabetic toddler is our Bonehead of the Year, because there's nothing more embarrassing than flexing the military muscles you never had. Except maybe having a research and development team with a fifth grade understanding of science.



What was your favorite event of the year?

Cheers and stay classy for another year, friends,
B&B

Beer: Wynkoop Colorojo
Music: Ollie Vee


91 comments:

  1. Crap, I don't get paid in XBox games or computer games. So unfair...
    And what the heck happened to William? That is creepy.
    Biggest event this year was Rush making the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Wait, it wasn't? Why the heck not?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll tell you why, because Justin Bieber getting a water bottle thrown at his head in the middle of a concert and then crying like a baby and storming off stage was just slightly more important, if only because not only is he finally starting to figure out that people don't like his music, but they don't like him, either.

      He is a terrible person is what I'm saying.

      Delete
    2. Does "racist dirtbag" cover it? And Canada is so proud of him.

      Delete
  2. They should pay that kid in Dennis Rodman pubic hair. Oh, how they adore Rodman!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And yet Rodman's done nothing to stop the impending North Korean nuclear strike that will be the death of us all. Thanks for nothing, jackass!

      Delete
  3. Are we supposed to ignore the prince's "Tang Polo" shirt? Ok. Mayhaps he'll start wearing a powdered wig everywhere, that would be fun to watch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or maybe he'll have his thick, curly ass hair sewn to the top of his head. AKA a hair transplant. Lord knows he can afford it.

      Delete
  4. What's an "XBox Game"? Sounds dirty to me... but not dirty enough. I'd hold out for an "XXXBox Game".

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. An XBox game is what you put in your SexBox. I want to upgrade to the XXXBox but you need some serious protection from viruses first...

      Delete
  5. You do realise you can buy Xbox games with real money? I don't wish I got paid in Xbox games. Even though I barely have any, part of that is that I'm yet to run into any that really grab my interest. I miss the days that I just picked up games at random. Gaming does actually fit into my favourite event of the year. One of my favourite events of this year, that I can remember, is when Microsoft were forced to admit they were being dicks with how the Xbox One worked, and changed it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GTA V was pretty badass. But I don't buy a lot of XBox games these days either. I'm more of a PC gamer. Like, MSDOS gaming. Maniac Mansion: Day of the Tentacle and the first Leisure Suit Larry are what it's all about.

      Delete
  6. Damn it, I don't get paid in Xbox games or paper money. I get paid in some token "we appreciate you" with the understanding that I will continue to work for free.

    Good choice on the Bonehead of the Year award. I am sure you have broken the hearts of many that felt they had earned it. Perhaps, you have consolation awards for all the others that were second rate boneheads.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a second place award for Justin Bieber in the form of an open handed bitch slap, and if he wants to accept it I'm available all day.

      Delete
  7. My favorite event of 2013 is when I accidentally dropped a tortilla chip, kidded it with the back of my heel, and caught it before it hit the ground. It still tasted like shoe, but it was pretty incredible.

    But, I guess Little Timmy's promotion is a close runner-up. Game on, Timmy. Game on into 2014.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you haven't taken up hacky sack, DO IT NOW. Just jump in your time machine, go back to 1995, and be the best damn hacky sacker ever.

      Also, I hear by 2020 Timmy might actually be able to launch a rocket 400 whole feet, and if he can... God help us all, Chiz. God help us all.

      Delete
  8. Great dig at the shutdown as just as much did get done

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe even more, since they weren't around to hinder us.

      Delete
  9. Justin Beiber saying he's going to retire at 19 and of course a cool Pope Francis!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He says he'll retire, but he'll be around in one shitty form or another. :(

      Delete
  10. Dammit! One day I'll get that "Bonehead of the Year" award. Yes, I know it's not positive but like all children of divorce, I crave attention regardless of whether it's positive or negative. Love Kim's boobies, by the way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kim Kardashian was a close runner up for Bonehead of the Year, but when all was said and done, she was not the Kim whose boobs I wanted to draw.

      Also, if you want to win next year, start doing really stupid things now. Having a leg up on the competition certainly couldn't hurt.

      Delete
  11. The pope is cooler than you? Damn, hell has frozen over. You need a beer mobile, that will get you back ahead of him. That idiot definitely deserves the bonehead of the year award.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The beermobile - taking drinking and driving to a whole new level!

      Delete
  12. Did you notice that if Kim Jong lets his hair grow and parts it on the side, it will look strangely similar to Amanda's? He just needs a few pumps of collagen in his lips and they can be twinsies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He also needs one of those neon orange spray tans. That pasty white look is not doing him any favors.

      Delete
  13. I barely remember 2013. I should drink less. And watch the news more.

    That just sounds so boring! *sigh*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Trust me when I say we had to do a LOT of Google searching to even remember what happened this year.

      Delete
  14. C'mon you guys, she's just being Miley. (No, I will never get tired if saying that. )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Miley should be Miley but with more clothes on. I'm no prude, I just don't want to see that awful, flat pancake ass with its Grand Canyon sized gap in between.

      Delete
  15. Biggest event of the year was for SURE meeting the pair of you. Though it is a little creepy not knowing which one of you I interact with. :)

    Hope 2014 is beyond fabulous, you guys. You're hilarious and talented and all that wonderful stuff. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! And for the record, you deal with both of us. Like some kind of twisted Fight Club ending, we are actually the same person. One absorbed the other in the womb but the two personalities remained. Or something like that.

      Ignore the fact that we're not related and born 6 months apart. Plot holes are irrelevant to this story.

      Delete
  16. Kim Jong Un has given "glorious leader" a bad name. I am so pissed 'caused I've dreamed of being a glorious leader of something sometime and now the title is ruined. You can't even put it on a job application without people laughing at you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I gave this hiring manager my "Supreme Leader" business card and he wouldn't even call me back. Apparently McDonald's is now picky about who they hire. This is news to me.

      Delete
  17. Sadly Kim only pays him in Xbox 1 games. Which is actually an upgrade from his dad's entertainment setup of a Sega Saturn powered by a potato.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What the potato lacks in gaming performance it more than makes up for in minimal nutrition for an impoverished North Korean family of 8.

      Delete
  18. I wonder if Kim's execution-fest is compensation for his really, really small dick and very droopy breasts (ala your fine artwork).

    You guys are the best.

    Happy New Year's.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess after that drawing neither of us are planning a trip to North Korea, otherwise we might be next.

      Delete
  19. I want to get paid in virtual money. Virtual money straight into my bank account. How do I get upgraded to that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Next thing you're going to tell me they'll create a plastic device, or 'card', that will allow you to spend virtual money without ever holding any paper currency in your hand. Pure science fiction nonsense.

      Delete
    2. Yeah, but they're making those "moon rockets," now, so how far off can plastic card money be?

      Delete
  20. Does Dennis Rodman know about Little Timmy? I don't think he's going to be happy about it. Poor Prince William has nothing that a good hat won't fix. Very clever, and I do appreciate your restraint in not drawing Miley Cyrus! Thanks for ending the year with some great laughs! Happy New Year!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He still looks pretty damn goofy if you put a hat on, but... it's a start, I guess. Any time I feel bad for not looking like 18 year old William I always remember I could look like 30 year old William. Yeeeeesh.

      Delete
  21. I get paid in xbox games. Too bad I don't have the xbox to go with it

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I get paid in money, but my bank account has been at practically the same triple digit balance since I first opened it 10 years ago. Is this some kind of cruel magic trick?

      Delete
  22. Not that I wasn't amused throughout the post, guys, but reading the tag "prince william is bald and ugly now" made a lol out of me. A real one, the ones we usually call lmaos.

    Thanks for putting the year in order for me like that, I forgot most of this happened. I mean, not Snowden, and not the Pope, but everything else seemed so small. I think I have better perspective now that I remember Miley Cyrus exists, and that there's a bonehead of the year that deserves the title.

    I should get my head out of music every once in a while and pay attention to pop culture.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As someone who blogs about pop culture stuff on the regular... keep your head in music. That's where I like to go when I want to pretend that real life doesn't exist.

      Though, with the presence of Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber there too, I guess nowhere is truly safe from cold, dark reality.

      Glad we could give you a laugh, though!

      Delete
  23. You gents summed it up nicely. Yes, my inappropriate crush on Prince Wills flickered right out once he became age appropriate - was it me or him, I've always wondered. Thanks for confirming it was him. Also, the Pope, who knew? I have been one of the biggest nay-sayer against the Catholic Church for years, but the guy's got a way with the people.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You won't find either of us wandering into a Catholic church any time soon but he's admittedly a lot better than their past pope, Emperor Palpatine.

      Delete
  24. I think the Pope was my favorite world event, for sure, and yeah, he's even cooler than you ;) Seriously, I don't know how he made it through the multiple levels of bureaucracy required to get to Popedom, and then suddenly - Boo-ya! - he's the anti-Pope. Pretty damn cool.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I bet after a prayer he just drops the mic and walks off stage, like "Pope... out."

      Delete
  25. My favorite event of the year was spending a few weeks with my granddaughters and son. Oh yeah,,,,and when I came back to blogging!! Happy New Year Guys! Here's to much success and good fortune for you and your families!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww, come on, don't wish success upon my family. I really want to hold it over their heads when it does come.

      ...Happy New Year to you too!

      Delete
  26. I don't think I can tell you how much I love the idea of seeing the pope bouncing around in a low rider on hydraulics. You just made my day.

    Also, I love that Kim Jong Un's badge is basically the Carl's Jr. Star. Probably because he (and his "moobies") are clearly very frequent customers...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Poor Kim, he ate all those hamburgers thinking he was getting a sheriff's badge. We just like to let him think he's a rough riding cowboy.

      Also, if Pope Francis bounced around town in one of those things, he'd probably make Catholics of all of us.

      Delete
  27. The new pope IS cool isn't he. There's a smashing picture of him taking a selfie with some of his fans*. Happy new year! xx PS. I spent a good ten minutes trying to come up with a good name for pope fans, but the only thing going through my head was Benedict Cumberbatch's "cumberbitches"... xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've never heard that term, but "Cumberbitches" may be one of my new favorite words ever.

      Delete
  28. Are those the soda-liter-bottle rockets? Amazing, those've always blown my mind!
    And yeah, the new one's a pretty dope pope. (I'd throw in something about hope and maybe even a rope, but nope, that'd be a bit of a stretch, and rhyming is on a slippery slope towards becoming an overused trope anyway.) All I've seen/heard from him comes from headlines (I know, I need to educate myself and follow the news closer and all), but even then he's been on the news so many times and has made so many great statements, it's kind of hard not to give the guy a standing ovation.

    I'd be lying if I said it, but imma do it anyway. My favorite event of the year is you guys following my blog and commenting on my, well, shit. Without joking though, it's been a pleasure having you around, and I'm very thankful for the comments on Caves you've been consistently giving me. Feels great to have two actual, real-life, published writers say your work "sounds awesome". It's still really rough, but you've been giving me some good pushes in the right directions, and I'm improving because of it.
    Thanks a bunch, and may 2014 be yet another great year for all of us. Cheers!

    ps I drank my first shower beer a while back, but never told you guys. IT WAS REALLY GREAT.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just don't grope that dope pope because I don't think he could cope.

      (If you didn't cringe at that one, I sure did)

      We're happy to help you craft your writing, and one thing we won't do is blow smoke up your ass, so if something needs tweaking or could sound better we'll tell you. That's just how we are and we're glad to hear that you can take our advice without being offended. You wouldn't believe how many people get butthurt by simple criticisms.

      You've got talent and you've shaped a really cool world. It's fun to see what you've done with it and hopefully 2014 brings many new awesome Caves adventures.

      Also, glad to hear that shower beer treated you well. Just don't let it turn into shower alcoholism, and always shower-drink responsibly.*

      *covering our asses from a lawsuit - awww yeeeah

      Delete
    2. I do not see what there is to cringe at. Sounds like some sick rhymes you dropped there if you ask me!

      The whole criticism thing is a bit of a problem for some people. I'd say it stems from the absurdly large amount of hugbox communities (like the obvious example, DeviantArt). People just never got solid critique and so don't know how to deal with it. Sad, it limits their improvement.

      >talent
      Wow, that really means a lot to me guys! Probably going to print this out and show it to my mom, "look these writers approve of me!" Thanks so much, 2014 is already shaping to be a wonderful year!

      Delete
  29. Wow! Did all of that happen this past year, and it seems like only yesterday. I gotta hand to you ya on your 'Bonehead of the Year Award', that guy really creeps me out. Not to say that the uncharming prince doesn't. That comparison was...well, it just was.

    I'm looking forward to putting 2013 behind me now and hopeful for a better year in 2014. Carp, it seems strange to type that, it was just yesterday that everyone was so worried about the end of the world and 1999.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I still haven't turned my computer on since December 31st, 1999 because I don't want it to explode. Which sucks, because I've got a really good game of Minesweeper on there that I was hoping to resume.

      Delete
  30. This truly does sum up the year - even for someone who lives outside of the US and the UK. (And Korea for that matter). I do love the witty banter going on in the comment section as well. Especially the commentary on the thing called Bieber...::*::shudders::*:: And yay for the cool pope - not that I'm Catholic or anything but at least he's almost walking the walk. Happy New Year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd say the pope's done a pretty good job of poping. Much better popement than the previous pope's poping, anyhow.

      Sometimes the comments are more fun than the post itself. We have some really awesome readers. Yourself included. Welcome back! It's been what, like 2 years?

      Delete
  31. So many big events this year to choose from. I mean, the Muriel boatlift, CNN being launched, the assassination of Lennon...

    For me, personally, I have to say the biggest event was AC/DC releasing "Back in Black."

    It was all pretty great, and I believe that 1981 is going to be even better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. According to these 1950s science fiction films I've been watching, 2014 will bring flying cars, robot butlers, and giant tarantulas that destroy the city. I can't wait!

      Delete
  32. What former childhood star will go insane in 2014? Guess we'll find out...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So far my bet's on one of the Olson twins. Probably the one that's engaged to that old dude that looks like her grandpa.

      Delete
  33. That is so true about Prince William! I think my favourite event of the year was the horsemeat scandal (basically we found out that horsemeat was being put in loads of meat in our supermarkets), so I got to be a smug vegetarian for a while!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, so you were just a vegetarian? You still eat cheese and other animal byproducts? You know you'd be healthier AND kinder to animals if you ate nothing but plants, right? God, you disgust me.

      -Smug Vegan*

      *just kidding, I'm eating a hamburger as I write this. I don't care if it's part horse. It tastes awesome.

      Delete
    2. Haha that would mean giving up chocolate! Even if I tried I'm pretty sure I'd find some and eat it in my sleep!

      - Greedy vegetarian

      Delete
  34. Yes, thank you for not showing a picture of Miley Cyrus's gap thing! I guess that's my favorite event of this year, not having to see a picture of it by you guys as I read you're blog! Thanks!!

    Oh and that Zuck picture was the second best thing of the year! Laughed so hard!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, at first I thought, "I could really draw that butt gap in the most awful, unflattering way possible." And then I thought "no one deserves to see that after seeing the real thing."

      Delete
  35. Wait. You guys get paid actual money? I want in on your gig. Oh, never mind, that requires way to much dedication and time.

    Kim Jong Un really does look like the Michelin man! He's got a brain full of mush too.

    I'm really digging the new pope too. What a humble man. Just the way it should be.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We do get paid in actual money. I didn't say we got paid in a LOT of money. :(

      I'll tell you, the new pope comes with 150% more pope, so you're really getting a lot for what you pay.

      Delete
  36. Great review!

    Speaking of creepy uncles, mine got me the book "Ivy League Stripper" (I'm sure you've heard of it?) for Christmas. Really. So, yeah, that's pretty much my favorite moment from 2013.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not sure why you think we've heard of it... neither of us are Ivy League strippers... but no, doesn't ring a bell. According to Amazon reviews it glorifies stripping and is absolutely awful, so that definitely beats my reindeer-patterned Christmas socks in the crappy gift department.

      As Chris Rock says: As a father, you have only one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.

      Delete
  37. I thoroughly enjoyed your review of this past year. As always you did it in an entertaining fashion. You boys have a happy new year and I am looking forward to see what you post in 2014.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In 2014 we're outsourcing to Russia so expect a lot of poorly drawn comics glorifying communism.

      Delete
  38. Not sure what national/international event did it for me, but a lot of localized bullshit did it for me.

    Here's to not being sold out by our elected leaders and our union brother/sisters/creepy aunts/creepy uncles for 2014.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In local 2013 news, our town water supply was diseased for a few weeks with e. coli, so... that was fun.

      Delete
  39. I think the Koreans are just mad because the Chineese cornered the restaurant business before they did!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know, I'd rather have some delicious Korean BBQ than cheap, greasy Chinese food.

      Delete
  40. To be fair, the Pope is cooler than pretty much everyone, so don't be so hard on yourselves. Aside from that you guys had a pretty stellar creative year so massive kudos, and best wishes for a 2014 filled with paper money AND Xbox games.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm gonna need a lot of paper money to actually play those Xbox games, seeing as how I don't own an Xbox.

      I didn't really think this plan through, did I?

      Delete
  41. I don't get paid... but they did give me a subscription to the Jelly of the Month club.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I'm just sitting here eating dry toast like a moron.

      Delete
  42. I didn't realize that all happened this year. It seems like a lot of shit went down. I feel like you're missing something though. I'm just not sure what it is. I'll have to get back to you on that one after I'm done being thankful that you didn't show Miley's ass on here.

    (So, never, I guess? I probably won't remember anyways.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I already forgot what you said. What were we talking about?

      Delete
  43. One of my volunteers, in all seriousness, told me that they are saying the Pope Francis is really just playing everybody and that he isn't really liberal like he is pretending. What exactly the point of that would be, I'm not sure...but if that's what 'they' are saying, it must be true, right?

    Poor Prince William. At least Harry still looks great!

    ReplyDelete
  44. God, looking at Prince William makes me feel old. I still remember being a teen in high school and drooling over his pictures when he turned 21 (he was SO HOT). Now...well, if he really wanted to, he could have the bald spot be covered. He still has a nice face. :)

    Also: sorry for being AWOL for the past few weeks, but I just wanted to say that I LOVE the new cartoon style! Kudos to making some bold and daring changes! :D

    Happy New Year!

    -Barb

    ReplyDelete
  45. Well it's a good thing my Facebook profile is a giant slew of nonsense and stupid pictures.

    TRY AND FIND PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT ME NOW.

    ReplyDelete

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