- Amanda Bynes lost her mind. And was committed.
- Miley Cyrus lost her mind. And was paid a shit ton. (You're welcome for us not drawing her weird chicken butt-gap thing... people already saw that plenty this year)
- Breaking with historical tradition, The British Royal Family bore yet another non-inbred baby, and people couldn't get enough of it. So far William and Kate's baby is looking pretty cute, but if it's anything like dear ol' dad, it'll look devilishly handsome for the first quarter of its life and then just completely fall apart after 25.
Because remember, ladies, this dreamboat...
is only ever five to ten years away from looking like your bald, creepy uncle that no one wants to be left alone with at parties.
You know, the one who loves knock knock jokes. And tickles.
- The U.S. Government shut down. Oddly enough, there was no noticeable change in progress of "things getting done."
- Also, Edward Snowden informed us that the US was spying on not just its own people, but other countries, and was using extreme invasions of privacy. And because of it he's an evil, awful, manipulative terrorist traitor to the US who needs to desperately be captured and put to death.
...this message sponsored by the US Government.
As if our privacy wasn't already nonexistent on the Internet.
- Not to be outdone in the 'our government is a joke' department, North Korean supreme leader* and Michelin Man impersonator Kim Jong Un launched a missile program that made an elementary school science project look dangerous.
*This was earlier misprinted as 'supreme reader,' which is what Kim calls himself, but that doesn't make any sense since we're told he's illiterate
- The new pope... is cool? It wasn't just enough that former pope and evil-warlock-lookalike Benedict stepped down, but the new (and improved?) Pope Francis came in like a wrecking ball (pardon the awful Miley Cyrus pun). He's likable, he's down to earth, and has said to stop worrying so damn much about abortion, contraception, and homosexuals, because there's a lot more important shit going on in the world. He even changed the once bulletproof glass-covered popemobile so that he's way out in the open. His way of telling the world 'come at me bro.' If that isn't gangsta, I don't know what is.
We never thought we'd see the day that a pope is considered cooler than we are. Which is kind of depressing. So we'll end on that note, and jump straight to our...
ABftS Bonehead of the Year
That's right, the whole year. And this year's honor easily goes to the aforementioned Kim Jong Un. Just look at the facts. All in one year this man executed his ex-girlfriend for baring her ankles on TV, executed his uncle for disagreeing with him, launched a missile that was limper and more pathetic than Hugh Hefner's 87 year old 'rocket', and has his whole country convinced that they could crush us all with their superior military forces... they just choose not to, because he's, like, super merciful and peaceful and stuff.
And so this 200 lb diabetic toddler is our Bonehead of the Year, because there's nothing more embarrassing than flexing the military muscles you never had. Except maybe having a research and development team with a fifth grade understanding of science.
What was your favorite event of the year?
Cheers and stay classy for another year, friends,
Beer: Wynkoop Colorojo
Music: Ollie Vee