After our red-eye flight to Miami we were looking forward to our stay at the Avalon hotel on Ocean Drive, which is supposed to look like this...
Too bad it looked like this in person...
Thanks to a screw up in booking (not on our end, mind you) it took seven hours to get our room. That's right, seven hours of sitting around in the lobby being told "just another 30 minutes," every hour on the hour. And once we got our room... well, we weren't exactly relieved.
The walls were this wonderful, sickly yellow. Like if walls could actually get cancer. The Keurig K-cup machine was broken. The wifi didn't work. And what the shower lacked in hot or even warm water it more than made up for with ants. Yes, a literal shower of ants, just raining all over the bathroom walls and floors.
|Because this is totally normal|
So even something as simple as having a quick shower wasn't all that simple.
We tried to talk to the front desk on multiple occasions but it was either unattended or the dude was too busy talking to everyone else for up to a half hour at a time (no, really) about mindless bullshit, because apparently his job description is "tell everyone my life story."
So we gave up on the hotel. At that point, we thought maybe we'd just go eat at one of the local restaurants, which had been touted as amazing. They are not, if only because of the service. You see, 20% gratuity is added to every single check no matter what, so the servers are all dicks. All of them. They're rude, they ignore you, and they come by when they feel like coming by, because hey, they got their money. They don't have to be nice.
I should also mention all of these restaurants and bars only have beers like Bud and Bud Light, and they're anywhere from $10-20 each. Craft beers simply do not exist there. Not a vacation wrecker, but come on bro, total party foul.
So THEN we thought "we should just go to the beach and relax." I mean, you surely can't take mother nature away from us, can you?
...Yes. Yes you can. Thanks to all the overly aggressive homeless people. They swarm the beach and hassle you with every step, wanting to build you stupid things out of palm fronds, or sell you weird looking fruits they picked off of trees, or tell you riddles for money. And if you don't oblige, then they yell at you for being the "rich asshole tourist" who's just too "cheap" to help them out.
And yes, that's right, riddles. More than one told me, "I'll give you a riddle, and if you can't solve it, you have to give me $5, okay?" What is this, The Hobbit? I'm Bilbo Baggins trying to get by Smeagol the homeless beach bum?
Needless to say, it was not the best birthday I've ever had, and I'm pretty damn happy to be back in Colorado with my cheap craft beers, my Smeagol free nature walks, and my ant free showers.
And to the Avalon on Ocean Drive, fuck you. In the ass. No lube. No reach around.
Cheers and stay classy, folks,
Bryan (and Brandon)
Music: Nigel & the Dropout
Beer: Staropramen Lager