Thursday, November 21, 2013

The Stinky Jersey of Rancid Death

Now that the Broncos don't suck (thanks for that, Peyton), people have been wearing their football jerseys around here a lot more. And that includes my wife's office. Last week they decided to have "wear your jersey to work day," and what started off as a fun idea turned into the most awful experience you could ever imagine.

No, really. And it all started with a kind offer from her coworker.




My wife's a petite lady. She can fit into my jersey, and I wear a size Large in kids. So what she was expecting was this...


What she got was this...


A 3XL in adults, otherwise known as "a two person tent." The sleeves went to her wrists, and the bottom draped below her knees. But no, that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that it stank. Not just stank, it reeked. It's as if it had never been washed in its entire life. Ever. It's as if the woman's son had worn it while sitting in the hot sun for 3 weeks straight. And then shat himself. And then died. And then was buried. And then his rotting corpse was dug up two months later. And then the rotting corpse shat itself.

Which begs the question, at what point did this woman think her son's jersey would be "just perfect" for my wife?





Second, who doesn't wash an article of clothing that you're going to loan to someone? The above description was not an exaggeration. My wife wore this jersey for 15 minutes out of pity before she just had to take it off, and the Stink Molecules* were so strong that they still clung to her when she came home eight hours later.

*pure science





So needless to say, the wife will never be borrowing anything again from her coworkers.

Has anyone ever loaned or given you something that turned out to be absolutely disgusting?

Cheers and stay hygienic, folks,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Beer: Hop Knot
Music: Hayden James



90 comments:

  1. Just wearing someone else's clothing is weird and gross, washed or not!
    She's a better person than I, as I wouldn't have even put it on.
    You realize you need to help her with paybacks for that stinky jersey?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm no fan of borrowed clothing but we figured something 'outerwear' like a jacket or a jersey would be fine. I mean, you wear that OVER your regular clothing. Imagine how bad Cletus's regular clothes must smell...

      Delete
  2. Someone loaned me their child once. It smelled like shit and was pretty disgusting. I held it for, like, 30 seconds before running it through the wash.

    Luckily, I've never been pressured into wearing someone elses clothes. Imagine how odd that would be if a stranger approached you on the street and started shouting, "Put my grandmas bra on!" and started waving this parachute in your face.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My parents were fundamentalists. Every Sunday and Sunday night, sometimes Wednesday and Saturday night as well, I had to go to church. I don't recall much of what I was taught but I did take this to heart - the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It most certainly is. And the road to anorexia is paved by giving a small woman a 3XL shirt and saying, "Here, this is perfect for you!"

      Delete
  4. Pfft I would have stuck it in the trash and went to get a match. That is just nasty, need plenty of bleach after that, blah. Never wear another's clothes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I needed the bleach and match for my wife, too. Thankfully the smell finally scrubbed off.

      Delete
  5. The same thing happened to me once! Someone told me that I ought to read abeerfortheshower.com, that it was really funny.

    It turned out it stank and now I can't get the stench off.

    That was supposed to come across as funny and instead just sounded mean... especially since I like this site.

    I should really probably just delete this comment...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, I loved your comment. I laughed out loud. You know how it could have been better, though? You should have said that the two male authors were so gross it turned you gay.

      That's right, here at ABFTS we like to help our friends insult us whenever possible to create maximum burnage.

      Delete
  6. I am laughing so damn hard 'cause obviously you don't have teenage boys!!! Not only do my boys stink, even after showering, but their clothing has deep rooted stench that will nevah, evah wash out no matter what industrial grade detergent is used.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How? How can one teen body stink that bad? I train MMA 2 hours a day while only ever wearing the same workout outfit (which I wash, mind you) and have never smelled as bad as that jersey residue smelled 8 hours after wearing it.

      Delete
  7. Hahaha I loved this. It reminds me of when I was in school and, whenever I'd forget my P.E kit (physical education, not sure what you Americans call it!) I'd have to root through the 'lost property box' to find something that could resemble an outfit out of old, forgotten, mouldy socks and t-shirts covered in snot. It smelt bad. Really, really bad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We call it P.E. too, but we never had to root through moldy socks and sweat-stained clothes to participate. If we didn't have gym clothes, we sat out. I'd gladly take a failing grade for the day over someone else's disgusting gym clothes ANY DAY.

      Delete
    2. The American education system sounds SO much better.

      Delete
  8. When I was in high school, my boyfriend that I'd been with for a few months gave me his sweatshirt to wear when we were at a football game and it was getting cold out. I was so excited that I was going to be able to wear his prized signature sweatshirt. He wore it all the time. Everyone would know we were together and he was serious about me. I was SO EXCITED.

    That was the most putrid thing ever. I think the heavy fabric pretty much masked the stench until you put yourself into it and it was too big on me, so I just felt like I was draped in this big heavy pig pen. It was horrendous, but I didn't know how to give it back to him without upsetting him. So, I wore it for like 4 hours. It was awful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think what I'm learning from all of these comments is that trading clothes with adults is totally fine but do not do this with teens, especially teen boys, because their musk is one that can penetrate all clothing with a vicious, unstoppable force.

      Delete
  9. I have NEVER had anyone offer up something dirty or smelly. I have had plenty of gifts that were horribly wrong in size and "WTF were they thinking but never a loaner of anything that was disgusting. WOW...your poor wife. She must be a real sweetheart not to of refused to put it on.

    Congrats on the win but you guys made a lot of my friends and neighbors really sad. You could show a little compassion. My Chief's jersey is petite and smells Bounty Fresh. I would be happy to send it to her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unfortunately, my wife would rather wear a stinky jersey than be brutally murdered for wearing a Chief's jersey. That's the kind of thing they do out here in Bronco country.

      And sorry for dethroning you guys. I know how much it's meant to be this good after being so, well, not very good the past few years...

      Delete
    2. No...feel free to say it...after sucking for eternity it was fun to be on a winning streak for a bit.

      Delete
  10. I can't believe she had it on for a full 15 mins. That's impressive and very sweet of her - I don't think I could have done it. Don't think anyone has ever loaned me something disgusting before, although, there is the strong possibility that I've completely blocked it out of my memory.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The woman brought it to her and was like, "Here it is, put it on!" And just stood there, waiting. So she just kinda had to put it on. But really, she is way too nice. I would have handed it right back. Along with a middle finger or two.

      Delete
  11. I've never been lent clothing like that but I am going to give my girlfriend one of my hooded sweaters for the heck of it. I did wash it before I sent it, and I'd do the same no matter what I was lending to who. She should have borrowed one of yours.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She never asked me for one of mine because she didn't want to bother me. How's that for a life lesson?

      Delete
  12. I find it very impressive Mel wore that jersey for a full 15 minutes.

    I have not been loaned anything that smelled, but I have, after working with the homeless, had my nostrils burnt beyond recognition. Sometimes, their body odor is so bad I can't get even the memory of the smell out of my mind, (or my heart) for days afterward.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fun fact: my wife volunteers and feeds the homeless every Friday night. She told me that without a doubt that jersey smelled worse than any homeless person she has EVER encountered.

      Delete
  13. Nasty! Nasty girl! Is the woman a dirty woman who gave her the jersey?

    I'm sure she knew there was nothing perfect about it. Maybe it was her way of trying to make your wife look foolish. Women have a way of doing that when they're jealous of another woman.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, the woman isn't dirty at all, which is why she even accepted it in the first place. I guess Junior didn't inherit mommy's hygiene.

      I never considered spite, but I wouldn't rule it out.

      Delete
  14. Replies
    1. To smell that bad, yes, I can only assume he is.

      Delete
  15. Wow! What happened to your wife stinks, man. (But then you already knew that.)

    Well, the silver lining is that at least Cletus did not live in Phoenix, Airheadzona, in which case the sweat smell would have been even WORSE!

    'Hop Knot'... Woo-Hoo! That's probably Brother Nappy's #1 all-time favorite beer, and one of mine, too! (That's also the one that the Colorado woman reviewed and said it was OK, but she was spoiled by living in Colorado where they have so many great breweries making better beer. Princess Provincialism.)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I won't spoil the rest, but Hop Knot was so damn good it's easily on my top ten now. I'm gonna have to drink the second one in a few days to see if I share Nappy's sentiment, which I very well might. Then I can promptly cry that I can't find it anywhere around here.

      Also, to that CO woman who said it was just "okay," may she bathe in a pool of Cletus's bodily liquids while sipping Keystone Ice for eternity.

      Delete
    2. I’m “hoppy” to hear that, 4-B, because I kinda agonized about sending you TWO of ‘Hop Knot’ rather than something else. Now I’m glad I did, but I figured that if ANY of those I sent would be deemed “too hoppy / bitter” by you it would be THAT one. But since Nappy has it at #1, and I have it in my Top 5 (maybe even 3), I thought I’d send two... and you could give Brandon the second if you didn’t care for it.

      We were Beer Yakkin’ on my blog once and I wrote the following about ‘HOP KNOT’:

      Four Peaks makes a number of locally available brews of different styles. ALL of them are mediocre, EXCEPT for ‘Hop Knot’, which made it to The Final Four in ‘The Dance’ [‘Blind Beer Taste Test’]. This is not the beer “for every occasion”, but when you want to dive into something deep, ‘Hop Knot’ is the hop pool you’re lookin’ for. (The best thing you’ll find in Airheadzona, other than me.)

      [Our perception of certain beers is an interesting thing though. Illustration: In general, I definitely like the hoppier, more bitter beers better than Brother Nappy does. Even so, Four Peaks ‘HOP KNOT’ is apparently his favorite brew, having received the highest number of points from him during our BBTT. But it doesn’t get a whole hell of a lot hoppier than ‘HOP KNOT’. So why does Nappy like that one so much, and is not nearly so high on ‘Hop Stoopid’ and other very hoppy IPAs? Maybe it’s the “flower”. There’s something really “flowery” about ‘HOP KNOT’ that I don’t find in other big, bold IPAs. Not “flowery” in a sweet-tasting way, but I just can’t taste it without immediately thinking and seeing flowers in my mind. Hmmm...]

      ~ D-FensDogg
      ‘Loyal American Underground’

      Delete
  16. I'm wondering if that old woman is a hoarder. But instead of just hoarding useless junk like newspapers and fast food bags, she hoards dead cats. Dead, rotting cat corpses. Her favorites get wrapped up in that very jersey until they are completely decomposed. And then she takes that jersey and those rotted cat corpses and throws them into her septic tank for a few days (which is also filled with rotting cat corpses).

    I'm sorry that your wife's politeness and pity earned her such a horrific punishment. I hope you can find enough turpentine to get rid of those stink molecules (totally real science, by the way. I **looked it up.)

    **No I didn't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh God, it all makes sense now. She doesn't really have a son. "Son" is just a metaphor she uses for the dead male cat corpse that keeps her company while she lives in squalor. I'm both sad and repulsed.

      Delete
    2. Sad and repulsed is really the only way to feel about something like that...

      Delete
  17. With a jersey that big, I think you have it wrong on what it was used for. It was used for raising livestock of some kind in. Maybe pigs? Although it's unfair to associate stink with pigs, so, maybe, goats? Goats probably would have eaten it, though. I bet it was used as rabbit bedding. Or, maybe, they actually raise skunks?

    ReplyDelete
  18. The inspired illustration of Bryan spewing made me laugh so hard that tears ran down my face AND leg, if you know what I mean. And then I shat myself. Thanks for that.

    ReplyDelete
  19. The only disgusting borrowed article I've ever worn is a condom.

    In all seriousness though, back before ebooks were a thing, Mrs Addman bought me a second-hand book (a collection of Armando Iannuchi articles actually. Very funny). Halfway through the book was a crusted sneeze that had been pressed into the book. I almost threw the book away, but it was too good, so I just had to tear that page out. I never did find out what was on page 98...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How the hell does a sneeze crust? Did they have the black plague and expel bile? Good lord, that sounds awful.

      Delete
  20. A hard lesson learned, coworkers are a herd of disgusting (Herd of Disgusting is the name of my black metal band). I won't even talk to one lest I brave the barrage of stank eminating from their talk-hole. (Barrage of Stank is the name of my Indian themed food truck and all girl punk band.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We used to think her coworkers weren't that bad, but apparently we were wrong. They're all just gobs of infested stink-folds.

      (Gob of Infested Stink-Folds is the name of my Indie thrash grindcore funktronica band. We should play together some time)

      Delete
  21. Now I can get superstitious about my jerseys and not wash them until a loss but I'm not running marathons in them and fabreezing them is totally within the realm of acceptable cleaning techniques. Now others I have a lot of signatures on and those are trickier to clean but even still, they get dry cleaned. That's just PURE nasty. I would NEVER have put it on. Your poor wife.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've owned my own jersey for about 2 years now. I can go about 4-5 uses of it (since it's outerwear) before I wash it, and when I wash it, it doesn't have the slightest of smells. I just wash it for the sake of hygiene. So it leaves me wondering, did this guy just wear this thing 24/7? Not have anything underneath it? Run in it? Never shower? I just truly don't understand that kind of odor on ANY kind of outerwear clothing.

      Delete
    2. Exactly. A jersey is outerwear so what kind of awful BO do you have to have to make OUTERWEAR stank like that? ugh. I've thought about it too hard. Yuck.

      Delete
  22. The thought of borrowing clothes kind of skeeves me, period. I do not buy them used....I don't care how much I can save.

    Probably a knee-jerk to being the youngest of four brothers and living in hand-me-downs until I was thirty...

    I was reminded (by your post) of that Seinfeld where he couldn't get the smell out of the car. Hopefully your wife had better luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We don't buy used clothing, either. And I know that sounds snobbish, but 90% of my t-shirts were five dollars or less from the clearance rack. I don't need to save an extra dollar or two on top of that because someone else wore it for 2 years.

      And yes! That episode was great, and totally applicable to her experience. "This is beyond B.O., Jerry. This is B.B.O."

      Delete
  23. Your wife deserves a medal of honor. That's so wrong, I'm thinking of theories, like Cletus' mommy is jealous of her petite beauty and wants her to repel every man in the office. Then again, Cletus' mommy is probably just a clueless sloth.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In hearing previous conversations about Cletus' mommy, she really does just seem that clueless. Which brings up the horrifying topic - at a certain point, she just has to be so used to his stink that she doesn't even smell it anymore. How awful is that?

      Delete
  24. Well, my grandma gave me a shirt once. She found it on the curb. It's a bit too big for me. Some good washing and over a year later, it's still one of my favorite shirts.
    So, no, I can't really share any nasty stories with you folks. (Interesting tidbit though, on the back inside the shirt, it says "This gives you special powers.")

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That actually sounds like a pretty cool story. You know, as long as no one was previously murdered in it.

      Delete
  25. 3XL is something that would look incredibly, awfully, ridiculously, gigantic on me and I'm a medium mans, maybe flirting with getting into a large some day so I can't think of how this was a good idea, your poor wife haha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A 3XL is seriously so big that you and I together could probably fit in one like Siamese twins.

      I'm a men's medium also, and if my wife borrows my jersey it's a little bit big on her but nothing ridiculous. So yeah, it looked like she was wearing a rain poncho. I've seen pictures.

      Delete
  26. UGH. I can't even. Nope, no. I can't believe she put it on at all! What a team player. On a disgusting, disgusting team.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She's leaving her job next week to go to a better one. After this post, no one can question why.

      Delete
  27. When I first read the title, I thought you were poking fun at my home state of "New" Jersey...I'm glad I was wrong. Al Penwasser does enough of that already. lol. I think that this story takes the cake. I can't believe the stupidity of some people and can you even begin to imagine the son's room? Barf!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I bet her son's room is like Marie Curie's old research papers - so hazardous that even if you just walk into the room without proper hazmat attire you'll get incurable cancer on the spot.

      Delete
  28. I can see why someone would keep an old jersey, getting a new one is expensive

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's why we wear the L or XL in kids' jerseys. Same size as a small/medium, but half the price.

      Delete
  29. Sounds like it's from one of those superstitious kinds of people. You never wash that article of clothing because you "wash off" the good luck when you do.

    Same idea behind not shaving your beard during the season.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Broncos have had plenty of luck this season. We're at the top of the totem pole. Now please, throw the damn thing in a washing machine. You are physically hurting people at this point!

      Delete
  30. Well $%&*@!! I just wrote this great comment that got deleted.

    I was telling you about how I could smell which postman had delivered to our office hours after the fact. The regular guy is cool, and uses deodorant, which is an added bonus. The substitute guy is not so cool, and has no clue about personal hygiene. Do these peoples' noses simply not work?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ouch. Did it rub off on the mail, too? You know, like as if receiving a bill wasn't bad enough, now it's smothered in B.O. and stale fart residue.

      Delete
  31. That sounds awful! Maybe next time (hopefully there isn't one) she should take a tomato juice bath - works for getting skunk out, so after ten it could maybe make a small difference!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, trust me, there will be no next time. For either of us. I don't care if it's -10 out and I'm getting frostbite. Someone offers me their jacket and I'll say, "Nope, I'm good."

      Delete
  32. Eewww! The thought of wearing someone else's clothes, that I couldn't boil, sanitize or make to pass through fire first kind if makes my skin crawl. Your wife if far too polite. I would have screamed a resounding NO THANK YOU and run for cover.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She has trouble saying no to people, and after this, I think she may change her stance on that.

      Delete
  33. I have lots of superstitions surrounding football Sunday. I put on my Giant's earrings, necklace, underwear, t-shirt and jersey. The thing is, when the game is over, it all gets put away and/or washed. The jersey gets hung up on a hanger until the next game unless we lost. Then, it gets stomped on, cursed at, then washed. (This season it has seen the washing machine way to many times.)

    Secret Santa needs to give the lady deodorant for her son!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never understood the superstition of not washing it. You bathing in your own stink is going to make your team win the Superbowl? What kind of miserable cosmic luck is that?

      Delete
    2. Um, my Giants have been winning ever since I changed up the combination of fan clothing I wear on Sundays. I have that kind of power!!

      Delete
  34. That story was so incredibly sad. How awful for your wife and how terrible that this lady either had no idea it stank or, maybe worse, thought it didn't matter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think she was just immune to it, like how those hoarders ladies can live with 100 rotting cat corpses and say, "What? What smell?"

      Delete
  35. The idea of wearing a strangers' clothes is pretty disgusting. I would never do that.

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Add the ahref HTML command before your blog name and it'll create a link so lazy people don't have to copy and paste it.

      #HelpfulBlogCommentTips
      #IGuessIStartedUsingHashtags
      #OhGodWhatHaveIBecome
      #YOLOSwag

      Delete
  36. Yes, but I wasn't as nice as your wife. I refused to wear it.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I really don't feel comfortable wearing other people's clothes. I do wear my boyfriend's shirts sometimes but I know he's a very clean guy, so no I've never had that haha.

    ReplyDelete
  38. We basically go through the same thing when the Cardinals are doing well which sadly isn't very often.

    ReplyDelete
  39. a guy loaned me his meat slicer for processing my deer. He forgot to mention that he never cleaned it last time he used it. Tid bits of venison were clinging to it like dingleberries on a rats ass!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That might almost be more disgusting than wearing a B.O. encrusted jersey; at least I don't have to EAT that.

      Delete
  40. Really really gross. I feel sorry for your lovely wife. I am cringing just thinking about it.
    To be honest, I dont think I would wear one of my own boys shirts, much less somebody else's grotty son's shirt
    Ick

    ReplyDelete
  41. I just typed a super long comment that didn't even go through. Fuck that. I only borrow from people I know for a fact are clean. Otherwise, no thank you, keep your germs to yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Foul. Also, that's not Cletus, it's Sloth! WOO-HOO! I once borrowed a pack n play (a glorified playpen) for a friend who was staying over with her baby for a week well after I'd gotten rid of all my kid stuff. I opened it to set it up and found it filthy. Besides the obvious filth, there was a child's pair of underwear (the person had 6 kids), a toy car, a pacifier, and a collection of other items. It's like they just folded it up out of the living room without looking twice at it. I scrubbed that sucker, but came up short of boiling it to clean it (I don't have a pot that big). Just...why?

    The Warrior Muse

    ReplyDelete
  43. No no no no no, I can't stand the smell of smelly rancid body ordour .... also if I loan somethign to someone I always make sure it is super clean, must be my OCD kicking in.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I loaned a pair of jeans to a girl in high school once. Got them back and the crotch was crusty.

    ReplyDelete

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