Monday, November 11, 2013

The Slumlord of Suburbia

Brandon is busy doing Brandon things* and Bryan is away in Miami celebrating the big 3-0 (feel free to make your retirement jokes) so we thought just for today we'd repost an oldie but a goodie from a few years ago that you may not have seen, because who the hell wants to draw comics on their birthday?
*beating up hookers  

We'll see you Thursday.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

        My in-laws own a townhouse down the street from mine that they've been renting out for a few years, and the last tenant was... well, dirty isn't the word. It's like it was hit by a nuclear shit bomb. And as the writer who's home all day, I've been put in charge of cleaning it up and getting it ready to rent out. In other words, I'm now the Slumlord of Suburbia, which is a damn shame because as a guy who's in good shape and doesn't smoke, I don't feel qualified to be a slumlord. But a lot needs to be done to this dump, and I'm starting to feel the role overtaking me. I had to go over there today to throw away some more junk, and the stuff I keep finding is ridiculous.

 
 
 
 
 
 

 

God I hate that house.

Stay classy, friends,

Bryan

(We'll see you Thursday, guys)

Beer: Shiner Bock
Music: Roosevelt

 

 

63 comments:

  1. So that's happens to the victims in The Ring. They get locked in a cupboard and have to play ball in a cup FOR ALL ETERNITY!

    And they get to performs sex acts on Brandon and Bryan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So really, it's not all that bad of a fate... for us, that is. I'm sure for them it's absolutely miserable.

      Delete
  2. I think I rented that house. That smell sounds familiar.
    Like undead zombie garbage on fire.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, that's it. No matter how many years have passed you never quite forget that smell.

      Delete
  3. So Brandon is beating up hookers. It's only okay depending on what he's using to beat them up with.

    There is something appealing to getting a blow job from the undead. Is that weird?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nothing wider than a baseball bat. That's just called being a gentleman.

      You're actually our measuring stick of taste. If you won't do it, then we know it's bad.

      Delete
    2. Glad I could set your standards. Now where did I put that dead body?

      Delete
  4. The no teeth remark reminded me of something I heard in the news. Oprah's dad Vernon apparently was a frequent client of a lady named One Tooth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You think it would be all or nothing. Like, that one tooth could not have been good for Mr. Vernon. Just yank it out and go for the gummer.

      Delete
  5. Well, now we know where Brandon is today..
    Happy birthday, Bryan! On vacation right now myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I see a ninja doing cartwheels on the beach, then I'll know it's you and I daresay your cover will finally be blown.

      Delete
  6. Enjoy the Big 3-0, 4-B.
    It's all downhill from there, Bro.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's already snowballing further than I could have ever imagined. I guess that's what beer is for, right? To drown out the sorrows?

      Delete
  7. Happy birthday enjoy miami with your closet toothless people lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's plenty of toothless people on the beach, too. They really want to make me sculptures out of grass, and *I* just want them to get the fuck out of my face. Seems we have a conflict of interest.

      Delete
  8. Happy 30th birthday, Bryan! Oh, you downy chick you. And Brandon, you stop that right now. Whatever it is you're doing. Just stop it right now.

    Jeez, I think I'm starting to feel maternal towards you two. BARF!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As the children of this relationship, I thought we were supposed to do the unnecessary vomiting, not you.

      Delete
  9. I think I saw an episode similar to this on This Old House, except it was a petrified Bob Vila in the closet, silently begging for his job back. I guess that Sears money just wasn't cutting it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure Tim Allen is in there too, begging for it to be the 1990s again so he can matter.

      Delete
  10. Happy Birthday old man and that's quite a closet surprise.....twice!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you much! Or, I guess as a crotchety old man now... get off my damn lawn!

      Delete
  11. *sigh* How many times do I have to tell you boys, "don't take candy from strangers or play with undead in a closet?"

    Oh, and happy 30th!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anyone who has to say that statement more than once (or anyone who has to HEAR that statement more than once) really needs to reevaluate their life choices.

      Delete
  12. I've really wondered how it would feel with no teeth. I'd probably have to take the chance if it was offered me. Being a slumlord would be a pretty cushy job. I don't smoke but I can take it up if it means getting a job. Or at least being a slumlord.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The pay is nonexistent (seeing as how it's not actually my townhouse) but the hours are great and the smells are diverse.

      Delete
  13. No teeth! You made me laugh out loud!! Like a freak by myself in my own house which is, happily, quite clean. Also happily, I'm in possession of all my teeth! Glad you reposted this one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Any day that you can say you had a hard belly laugh and still have all of your teeth is a good day indeed.

      Delete
  14. I remember that one.
    Happy birthday!
    (Old Guy)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They say you're only as old as you feel. So basically I just celebrated my 80th birthday.

      Delete
  15. I hope your getaway is nothing like slumlording. Happy 3-0, Bryan!

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! Substitute closet corpses with toothless beggars and cigarette butt littered carpets with cigarette butt littered sand and it's actually not all that different.

      Delete
  16. Whoa! Entering a new decade, my friend! Welcome! Have a great birthday. Never been to Florida, but maybe someday I'll get bored enough...

    I remember this post! That closet girl is still just as terrifying now as it was then...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You remember this crusty old post? Man I guess we're both getting pretty elderly. Do you also hate the loud rap music and that Justin Beaver punk?

      Delete
    2. Ugh. Don't even get me started on those little whipper snappers and that noise they call music! Makes me want to sit on my porch and shake my fist at them all, threatening to call their mothers...or the cops...

      Delete
  17. Haha... Haven't read this one in awhile... Welcome to your dirty thirties! Don't let the name fool you, they're great! Have a great day and I wish Brandon all the best in his hooker beatings.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They're great? What are you, 40? I thought you were like 25. Whatever facial cream you're using... It's working.

      Delete
  18. This is so weird guys haha, I've never seen this before but it made me laugh a lot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This was before your time, young whippersnapper. Back when blogs actually meant something and the internet was more than just funny cat pictures.

      Delete
  19. Since you guys posted an old post I thought I would post an old comment:

    "Yes I agree. I've been using this stuff for seven days now and my rash is almost completely gone!"

    P.S. Happy birthday grandpa!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I just put in an order for my GILF t-shirt. Sexy grandpas represent!

      Delete
  20. Happy Birthday, Bryan.


    Try not to goof off too much, Brandon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! And Brandon won't be doing any goofing off after Wednesday. If you saw the amount of things we were working on (blog not even included) you'd be exhausted just thinking about it.

      Delete
  21. Ugh, people are awful. Happy birthday!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! If anything, it's a good birthday never having to deal with that girl again. Yes, it was a GIRL that did that.

      Delete
  22. Happy Birthday!!!! I hadn't read that post before...OMG, you are lucky you didn't catch some dreaded disease that would of kept you from reaching the big 3 0. I have been is some really nasty houses but have yet to find a toothless skank in the closet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The cigarette burns and trash wasn't too bad, but the toothless skank REALLY lowered the value of the home...

      Delete
  23. I do remember this post and enjoyed it just as much now as the first time. People do suck, don't they?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The ratio of people sucking to not sucking is like 100 to 1.

      Delete
  24. So funny. Being a newish follower I havent seen that before. I have been watching too much American Horror Story- that girl on the floor sent my mind whirling. Lol

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  25. All I can think of when I see that picture is the caption "I LIKE PANCAKES".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She likes so much more than pancakes. So. Much. More.

      Delete
  26. I remember this one!!

    Happy b.day!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! It was the okayest birthday an aging writer could ever ask for!

      Delete
  27. Wow, I do remember this one. Good lord, how long have I been lurking here? Uh, I mean, soaking up all that free funny!?!
    I'll restate my comment from that time oh so long ago:
    Purple nipple ice cream car hippo teeth plaid hip hop Nike clock fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart fart.
    (In my defense, I was going through a period of heavy addiction to Robotussin.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We really need to start charging for the funny. How about 2 cents per word? If you pay a dollar, you get half a post. Want to figure out what happens at the end? Well, you don't really need to pay the other dollar, because the answer is most likely 'fart joke' or 'dick joke' or 'both.'

      Delete
  28. Happy Birthday Bryan! and I'm sure I heard once that brothels do a 241 on Tuesdays so HAPPY TUESDAY BRANDON x

    ReplyDelete
  29. Happy belated birthday, Bryan!

    Trust me, the big 3-0 ain't no big thang!

    Actually the big 5-0 was no big thang....far better than the alternative!

    Larry

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You mean death? Yes, I prefer aging to death any day! And as long as my typing fingers still work and my brain is only mildly senile, each birthday will be a good one. Once I stop being able to write... pull the plug.

      Delete

  30. I am extremely grateful to you for this great content on blog. Thanks a lot for useful , information and blog . That's very nice. I will recommend all my friends on twitter and facebook.

    I think you do a great work here to post a nice blog . Really i like your blog . I will follow your blog.
    Thank you for everything . indeed I found a lot of things to read on this blog . Thank you .

    ReplyDelete
  31. I remember that post, that makes me feel old or special..like i have been loyal customer and have gotten sme vouchers to spend in-store.

    ReplyDelete