Monday, November 4, 2013

The Idiot's Guide to Party Etiquette

Greetings one and all. Even though we know you're a bunch of classy broads and bastards, we thought it would be a good idea to remind everyone of the basics of being a good party guest. Because, let's face it, nobody wants to be that guy at the dinner party who doesn't know the proper type of fork he's supposed to clean his fingernails with, right?

(The answer, of course, is none of them. Any damn fool knows that's a job for a butterknife.)

So, we're proud to present to you a few handy tips to help make sure you don't look like a complete ass when your wife's boss invites you both over for dinner.

1) Keep your elbows off the table. 

We know this is an obvious one, but it's important. Not only because it's considered uncivil, but because you're limiting your grabbing range. How do you expect to hoard all of those hors d'ouvres from your fellow guests if you don't have a proper reach? And don't even get us started on hygiene.


2) Be sure to graciously compliment your host.

These nice folks slaved away hours in the kitchen so you could stuff your fat face, so the least you can do is repay them with somewhat sincere compliments about their appearance and/or cooking skills. And those of you receiving the compliments, don't be a dick. Thank them.



3) Introduce yourself to fellow guests.

There's no surer way to gain that popular socialite glow like glad-handing a few random strangers and getting to know them better. Really try to make an impression. Personally, we find that stock tips are our forte.


But in the end, not everyone will be as courteous or as gentlemanly/ladylike as you are. The key is to face this with dignity and charm.




Because remember, no matter where you are - even a raging orgy - it's always important to have your manners and your etiquette. Without them we're just common animals.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: Upslope Craft Lager
Music: Bodyjar


91 comments:

  1. Some people have no manners.
    Don't usually see that kind of behavior at Denny's. Now The Waffle House is another story...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You must have one of those classy Denny's, then. The one where the waitress has all of her teeth and doesn't smell like she waddled out of a dumpster.

      Delete
  2. I will make sure to compliment the ham at my next orgy! Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You may be thinking the obvious compliment is "Wow, Sarah, nice tits!" or "great suction!" but really she just wants to hear that the ham came out okay and wasn't too dry. Women are really self conscious about that kind of thing, you know.

      Delete
  3. This is why I don't do parties.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I strictly prefer orgies as well. Parties are just too unorganized and reckless.

      Delete
  4. You forgot an important one. Leave before 2 AM. Especially if it's a dinner party that started at 6:30!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, no one likes that one guy who's still hanging around the orgy 8 hours later. It's like, I get it, you can still go one more time, but some of us have jobs, you inconsiderate prick!

      Delete
  5. More people really need to understand orgy etiquette. Having rampant sex with complete strangers is no reason to have no manners. It's what separates us from the animals that also have spontaneous group sex.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't even get me started on the people who don't bring anything. I don't know what kind of back alley orgy these people are used to, but where I come from, you bring more than just your genitals. You bring a bottle of wine, a side dish, and a smile.

      Delete
  6. there's a reason I don't eat at Denny's anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  7. "Thanks for the delicious lamb chops, Ms. Harper. Oh, and the nookie wasn't half bad, either. See you at work tomorrow."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Ms Harper, your chops were tender, delicious, and not the least bit dry... and the lamb wasn't half bad, either."

      Delete
  8. Ooohhh. So much about my first (and last) orgy was just made clear.
    Are we supposed to ignore the steaming coffee mug?? (Versus beer)
    You pregnant, bro?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Here at ABftS we're a big proponent of the designated driver system. Reckless group sex with anonymous strangers is cool, but driving drunk is definitely not.

      Delete
  9. I'm not exactly an expert on what draws women to guys, but with a censored bar that big, you think the women would ignore some of your weird comments.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know, after the first foot and a half, the rest is really only good for opening jars or swinging from trees.

      Delete
    2. Coooool... You have a prehensile penis?!

      I've been waiting for an opportunity to use that phrase ever since I read Christopher Moore's "Fluke."

      Bless you for giving me the opportunity at last!

      Delete
  10. Socks 'n sandals. Crocs. Man, you two are HAWT!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not about what you wear. It's about HOW you wear it.

      Delete
  11. Wow! I'm so relieved that I now know how to conduct myself with class at the next party I attend!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's important to put the "ass" back in "class."

      Delete
  12. And now I know which one of you drew the illustrations.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You'd probably be wrong about that one, but let's not even try to psychologically read anything into that, okay?

      Delete
  13. I've totally been making all kinds of faux pas. Thanks for setting me straight. Oh, and why are there no moustaches in your post? It's Movember, doncha know?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Movember is for men who can grow facial hair, not for baby faced goobers who look like they got shot in the face with a pube cannon.

      Delete
    2. I was talking about the girls.

      Delete
    3. They're all in the censor bars. You meant below the belt, right?

      Delete
  14. The "Testicles-Creme Brulee" line made me think of that old advertising slogan for Reese's PeaNUT Butter Cups... I almost wrote it, using YOUR ingredients instead but then that small part of my mind that's still sane, despite the 8 PM to 6 AM "graveyard" shift I just worked, kicked in and I thought: No. I'm not even going to type it.

    Bryan, you're going to be disappointed in me, but it wasn't until I got to the "I mean, would a simple 'thank you' kill her?" panel that I realized you were drinking in the Daytime. (I love that you're using these really good brews in the cartoons!)

    Question 1: Why did Brandon paint the word "Censored" on his python, and does he realize that his pet snake has got his wee-wee in its mouth?

    Question 2: Why isn't the dog in that one cartoon doing it "doggy style"?

    Question 3: Is it STILL bad manners to have your elbows on the table even when you're getting "Candy'd"? (See Screw Reed's 'Walk On The Wild Side'.)

    Alright... I need to get some sleep soon.

    ~ Stephen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I can't yet try Daytime in real life, at least I can try it in a post, right? Onto some answers...

      1. That's actually its name. It's merely a nametag taped on so he doesn't lose it. You'd be surprised how easy it is to lose one of those things. He often finds it hiding in caves. That is, until the cave owner wakes up and evicts it.

      2. That photo was taken 6 hours into the 'event,' so at that point I think the dog was exhausted and just kind of going through the motions. His heart wasn't in it. I heard that from the severed mannequin leg after the fact.

      3. It's not just bad manners, it lacks confidence. You should have your hands firmly on your sides, as if to say, "Yes, that's right, this is happening in your dining room, Mrs. Henderson."

      The "Testicles-Creme Brulee" line made me think of that old advertising slogan for Reese's PeaNUT Butter Cups

      "Hey buddy, you mind getting your testicles out of my Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?"

      I'm afraid I didn't see that commercial...

      Delete
  15. Well no wonder you were killing the mood, Crocs and sandals with socks? I recently killed the mood at a particularly raucous orgy by yelling "Vishnu, Buddha, George Carlin!" I was just trying out other deities to moan during sex. No one appreciates a pioneer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Apparently no one appreciates a good laugh, either. You may be surprised to find that knock knock jokes, regardless of hilarity, are in fact not acceptable during group coitus.

      Delete
  16. I think I got invited to the wrong party over the weekend...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You definitely did. A ton of people were asking where you were.

      Which, I guess in retrospect is kind of odd, since we've never mentioned you to them...

      Delete
  17. You guys are a storehouse of useful information. Sadly for my age group it is wasted. Of course most of my peers try to get orgies started in the park by taking off their overcoat...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A good party isn't just about the location. It's about attitude. And I can't think of anything that conveys attitude more than "homeless orgy in the park."

      Delete
  18. lol some people can't be taught,sadly a dog could probably be more civil when eating. What about a dinner party at a McDonalds inside a walmart? Bet that would take the cake

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As a former resident of a bumfuck cowtown, I can tell you that weekly dinner parties (or family reunions) at the Walmart McDonald's is not all that uncommon...

      Delete
  19. I've been doing a lot of things wrong, apparently. It's a wonder I still get invited to the "parties".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You just have to get in with the right circle* of friends.

      *jerk

      Delete
  20. Replies
    1. Don't knock it till you try it. Just don't make any eye contact with your fellow dudes and you'll be okay.

      Delete
  21. Looks like that party had a really nice orgy bench. That's key to having a good orgy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, we aren't all the wild stallions we used to be and sometimes it's nice to just sit down and take a breather between vicious ravagings.

      Delete
  22. Oh come on, guys. That is just disgusting. How could you post something so inappropriate?

    I mean seriously, CROCS?!?!

    SOCKS WITH SANDALS?!?!?

    How can I possibly take you seriously now??? Ugh. Seriously?!? Come on, guys! I can't take this. I'm leaving. In a huff!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. During such rigorous activity, it's important not only to have comfortable shoes, but shoes that look good. You'd be amazed how many times I'm complimented on my choice in footwear as a woman is giving me an Alabama slamdancer.

      Delete
  23. I have to ask...what the hell is up with the dog in that pic? I mean seriously, doing 70 year old aunt Betty at the dinner table is one thing but to let a dog get in the mix is downright rude and insulting! Everyone knows that cats have courser tongues!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The dog is actually a cat dressed up as a dog. I guess he's a furry. We don't judge.

      Delete
  24. Good one.
    Couple of things from parties I had hosted.
    -unless I invite kids too please don't bring kids
    - if you don't like something unless you are allergic to it, don't let everyone in the party know how much you hate the shape of mushrooms and broccolis
    - no one needs any lecture about vegetarianism or teetotalism ( tips for Indians)
    - and no I can't cook bland Russian cuisine and mac and cheese is the blandest I could go far
    I don't know about orgy parties haven't been invited to one but I always love all girl parties, not that I hate men - when women gossip and share stories about how many times they got called by the school because her kid couldn't stop pulling pants down , that relief "thank god I am not the only bad parent under the sun" - that my friend is mom orgasm.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A 'mom orgasm'? Eww, come on, this is a family blog.

      Also, one of your tips reminds me of a joke.
      Q: How do you know if someone's a vegetarian?
      A: Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.

      Delete
    2. . I Sincerely apologize. I didn't mean to offend you. When you have "swinging your dick over your shoulder briskly in anger" in labels I should have realized how serious you are about "family blog". wouldn't happen again.

      Btb got your book, do you have picture of yours without a beer bottle around? Even baby pictures?

      Delete
    3. Well, I have a picture of myself with a mullet and Brandon with his Harry Potter glasses and rape whistle that we once posted on the blog, but you've probably already seen that. That count?

      Goober One

      Goober Two

      Delete
    4. Aren't you sweet. You didn't have to oblige. You both are breaking cuteness-o-meter with those pictures. Nope, haven't seen these pictures.

      That mullet one we use to call that as funk in India and I wonder how I survived that period with everyone in their mullets. You know your picture definitely needs a own showcase in museum of mullet history or at least in time capsule for being priceless.
      No wonder why Brandon with glasses(in India it is called as Gandhi glasses) had to have rape whistle. It is hard to look in the eye people/pupil with mullets.

      Thanks for picture :)

      Delete
  25. The crocs were a nice touch.....I have a thing about adults who wear plastic shoes.

    I still do not know the rules on socks and sandals....some people say they're okay, some do not. Is it better to risk smelly feet or a fashion faux pas?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What about adults with velcro shoes? There's something about a grown man that can't be bothered to tie shoe laces that amuses me.

      Also, no woman wants to smell sweaty feet. But she WILL appreciate how those tall white socks frame your chicken legs and those big sandals allow you to have traction. Looks AND functionality? Yes please!

      Delete
  26. Dang, here in the south we are expected to send our chirrun to cotillion classes to learn basic manners. My chirrun nevah showed me their orgy etiquette homework. We got ripped off!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I bet your children have been acting the fool at orgies for so many years. Now you know, Deb. Now you know.

      Delete
  27. Great stuff. I'm fascinated by that group orgy scene, and trying to follow body parts but I get lost. I do notice elbows on the table. Is there no common decency left in this world?

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Elbows are in other places, which is also rude, but having them on the table is just disrespectful. I guess so is having them in those other places, too.

      Delete
  28. The thing that made me laugh most about this was the helium joke haha, and how Brandon was so matter of fact about how he heard it was funny, your dialogue always kills me guys

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it's good to know that even if he's been flushing our money down the toilet in the stock market, at least our financial adviser can recommend some good high brow jokes.

      Delete
  29. It's a good thing I always read all the comments. I didn't know that knock, knock jokes weren't universally good at all parties including orgies. That still doesn't explain why people are so insistent that I keep covered up from my chin to my ankles at orgies. Perhaps that is the rudeness that you were discussing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not just knock knock jokes. I tried to start up my own rendition of "Who's on first?" (you know, sexual first base) but no one seemed to think it was very funny. Not even Mrs. Hu, and I mean, come on, she practically walked right into that one.

      Delete
  30. First, I KNEW there was a good reason I don't like Dennys...
    Second, you're not supposed to put elbows on the table? Crap...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did you know you're not supposed to pick your ear with your spork, either? I learn new things every single day.

      Delete
  31. You forgot the important one...picking your nose at the table. Even if said table is used for an orgy. haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely! It's best to keep all bodily fluids down to a bare minimum. Three, maybe four tops.

      Delete
  32. Brandon, you should wrap that thick fat sweaty censor-bar around your leg, makes for much easier and less obvious transportation. Sure you may accidentally trip some pretty ladies passing you by, but they'll just think you're having a stiff leg.
    Oh wait.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know those little knee scooters that people use when they break one of their legs? Works just as well for "third legs."

      Behold the knee scooter

      Delete
  33. I would think that etiquette is MOST important at an orgy. For such "free love" vibes there are some serious 'rules' at those things....

    or so i've heard.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's hard to keep track of all of the rules but it's also hard when you forget the rules and you need to bust out your 287 page rulebook in the middle of intercourse. Apparently reading during sex is a real "mood killer."

      Damned if you do, damned if you don't. :(

      Delete
  34. Which one of you can swing it over your shoulder? I have single friends, you know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We can both swing Brandon's dick over his shoulder. Don't know why I'd do that, though, when he's more than capable. What a silly question.

      Delete
  35. I want to know what Brandon's eating. Because I've never seen someone have a bowel movement of that enormity and consistency before. I mean, look, it's still coming out of him and is ATTACHED.

    And then he manages to throw it over his shoulder. How much fibre is he getting? Good lord.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think he's getting too much fiber but not enough fibre. I'm no good with conversions though. Isn't the ratio like 2 to 1?

      Delete
  36. Love the last picture of the guy wearing clogs.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Crocs and yfronts are a good look on you x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I went out into public like that I bet I'd be one big walking Axe commercial.

      Delete
  38. Another handy tip at an orgy is to clean the dining room table with Pledge after dinner but before the orgy starts. It rids the table of food debris while providing a fun and slippery surface.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ^?!?!?!?!
      "mommy I don't want to go to school today, please home school me"
      "world is an awful place"
      "we aren't in Kansas anymore"
      Ahhhh....ouchhhhhh...door...where go door...who is I.... What tell mee...

      Delete
    2. The dinner table becomes a slip-n-slide? That's brilliant! These things just keep getting more and more fun!

      Delete
  39. I've always struggled with orgy ettiquette. Is it okay to use the nibbles during foreplay? How would she react if I covered myself in her blancmange? That wasn't necessarily innuendo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Covering yourself in a woman's blancmange is one of the sincerest ways you can compliment her. Also, by telling her "nice tits, bitch."

      We may not hang out with the most reputable of women.

      Delete
  40. Gives a whole new meaning to - 'Testicles, spectacles, wallet and watch!'. Crocs and socks are fine with a matching belt!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just love the sound of "Testicles, spectacles, crocs and socks."

      Delete
  41. That's where I've been going wrong, I've been using my steak knife instead of the butter knife!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Comment #3, Sorry Brandon. You're an equal half of this awesomely offensive blog. Bryan, I just watched that video snippet of Martha. I hardly ever say "Oh my God!" with laughter, but that spewed forth. It's priceless. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  43. http://xtremelyun-pcandunrepentant.blogspot.com/2013/10/mixed-up-shook-up-product-reviews-or.html?showComment=1383808558586#c1713822044266788830

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete