Thursday, November 7, 2013

Love Thy Neighbor. Not His Dirty Rubbers.

Hey folks. Today there won't be any comics. BUT... there will be videos. With that said, if this devastation is too much for you, here's a comic of Brandon on a date with a farting broom.


Moving on...

So, it all started a few months ago when Brandon got a notice from the City of Denver that his dogs had been barking too much, despite the fact that they never bark. AKA this wonderful blog post.

Next came a stone with a note wrapped around it tossed into the backyard, like a missal from a poor man's bitchy Robin Hood. So, like an adult human being, Brandon began asking around, checking with all of his neighbors to find out who the offended party was. And what he found out was... everyone was being fucked with. One neighbor's grass had been reported for being too long. Another had anonymously received a barrage of dildos and dirty underwear thrown in their yard over the past three years.

So Brandon did the only logical thing. He installed a security camera on his garage. And after a few weeks of peace and quiet, he found this...


In case you're wondering, that's a dirty, used condom that Brandon's swine neighbor is throwing into his other neighbor's yard. The very next day, armed with video evidence of the dumbfuckery, the unwitting prophylactic recipient left a note demanding that his filthy, childish, grown-ass neighbor retrieve his spunky rubber before the police were called and shown the video. Which resulted in this...


That's right. Like the fucking moron he is, the dickweed neighbor shamefully collected his jizz filled condom, thus completing the evidence cycle and now opening himself up nicely to harassment charges, which are currently under investigation.

Which just goes to show, if you're a moron with nothing better to do than to screw with your neighbors, make sure you're not the dumbest motherfucker in the neighborhood before proceeding. Technology will eventually make you its bitch.

But that's not the end of the story, because something else popped up on Brandon's security camera recently. Something mysterious, and no one can quite explain what's happening or what it means. Maybe you guys can figure out what's going on.


Perhaps we'll never know. But for now, at least the asshole neighbor has been thwarted.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: Upslope Craft Lager
Music: Nick Cave

87 comments:

  1. And thanks to technology, you have won!
    Maybe that guy thought he was auditioning for Dancing with the Stars? Or maybe Dancing with the Condoms?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was dancing like nobody was watching... while somebody was watching... because I enjoy post-ironic hipster comedy.

      Delete
  2. Brandon could become a PI I guess. This blog of yours didn't think could mimic a megaserial or crime episode. Pretty impressive.
    And if a white man can dance like that he needs only one thing , a moustache. Work on it Bryan. Cool moves, cooler than Chris Brown?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BRB, I'm gonna stop shaving and punch my wife in the face. A new career is in development!

      Delete
  3. In the video I think the guy is doing Leo Sayer, Long Tall Glasses (I Can Dance). Guess he's wanting food.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for planting that earworm into my head. I think I'm gonna spend the rest of the day mumbling, "You know I can dance, you know I can dance..."

      Delete
    2. Truthfully, I don't think I could come up with any response that could top or even match David Oliver's impression, so I'm just going to give a tip o' hat to da wit.

      And yes, 4-B, that song will probably be reverberating off the walls inside my empty cranium for the rest of the day now also. Thanks for that, David!

      Maybe if I get some Waylon playing quickly enough I can squash that earworm before it has a chance to really take hold.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  4. Whoah. Someone has MOVES. That video just made my morning. And I've never been so happy for the couple of acres that separates us from our neighbors. Dang! What a filthy piece of crap neighbor you have! I struggle to find two minutes of time to myself- and this fool has enough time on his hands to think of doing this shiz? What a waste.

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    1. Apparently he's got dildo money up the ass (pun completely intended) to keep throwing those over into his neighbor's yard as much as he does.

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  5. Oh geez. I can't click the videos right now but I can imagine someone throwing a dirty used condom. Ick. Ew. Bleh.

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    1. If anything, the last video is pretty epic too and you should probably open it ASAP.

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  6. Gawd, douchebag neighbours are the WORST. But as for Mr Bojangles in the 3rd video, I think it's time to call the nice men in the white coats . . . ?!?

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    Replies
    1. And as the men in white coats come from me I'll just smoothly moon walk away...

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  7. This is absolutely one of the best things I've ever read. The thought of the dickhead neighbour watching the video of himself retrieving his condom in all it's soggy glory in court is just fabulous x

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    1. And with no gloves to retrieve his glove-of-love. That takes some real depravity.

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  8. Jesus Bananas Brandon, what did you do to this guy that he thought tossing used condoms in your yard was a better idea than in the trash can like a normal person??? I'm glad you caught him because, really, who does that?!

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    Replies
    1. That man is like 70 years old, by the way, so he's like one big elderly manchild.

      Delete
  9. Must be nice to be that rich that you can afford a garage. And a dumpster. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can you believe they both CAME with the house? I guess the last owner just forgot to take them when they moved out. What idiots!

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  10. What a douche and is that the robot dance?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The robot, the Carlton, the Charleston, moon walking, among others.

      Delete
  11. I die at you dancing! haha.

    Honestly though...who throws dildos and used condoms into neighbor's yards? Some people are so fucked in the head. Clearly he's sick as shit and escalating. Glad your stealth ninja cam was able to catch the tool.

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    1. As mentioned above, this is a 70 year old man doing all of this, so you can only imagine what kind of sick fuck you have to be to be that old and think, "I'm just gonna go buy a dildo, jack off into a condom, and then throw it in my neighbor's yard. Yeah, that's a great idea!"

      Delete
  12. Oh you delightful weirdo. I wish that one of your neighbors walked out to see that dancing (by the way, our boy's got moves) then instead of super-weird condom throwing guy (which, what's the ultimate goal there? Everyone moves out and it's a bizarre Twilight Zone episode where he's left with no one left to harass and becomes despondent, with only himself left to torment?), then you become "that guy who dances next to the dumpster."

    ReplyDelete
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    1. If eighties movies have served me properly, I believe that if I challenge the neighbor to a dance off and win, then he'll have to agree to leave Brandon alone forever. And also I get to steal his girlfriend who's been eyeballing me the whole movie and then I celebrate with Brandon in a homoerotic freeze frame high five.

      Delete
  13. Live 'condom cam' complete with a 'touchdown dance'. That's just eewww

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    Replies
    1. I was listening to your BotB while I was doing that dance so really you only have yourself to blame...

      Delete
  14. That's a mythical creature - up there with unicorns and sasquatch. That's right, folks, what you have seen is a white man dancing! :D

    Good on ya for catching that guy red handed, hopefully the guy stops messing with everyone in the neighbourhood!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The picture's a little grainy, so skeptics could always argue that it's a black guy in 'whiteface.' Perhaps we'll never catch the elusive creature in crystal clear 1080p HD...

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  15. Is there going to be a remake of the 1984 classic Breakin'?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. After the shot for shot remake of Better Off Dead that is totally second on our list.

      Delete
  16. I've been looking forward to seeing the video since you guys mentioned it at your signing, that is just wrong!!! And kinda funny... Maybe he's just bored.

    Nice moonwalk!
    Lara

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    1. If it's some kind of mating ritual, it's not working. The condom throwing, that is. Not the moon walk. That always works.

      Always.

      Delete
  17. I'd see it more as a gift-giving gesture, but apparently shit like this isn't as well-received everywhere in the world.
    Also, hot damn, those moves.

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    1. I like unconventional gifts as much as the next person, but I don't really have a need for a dildo. Or a used condom. Wait... maybe he's trying to teach safe sex? It all makes sense now...

      Delete
  18. I watched these videos in reverse order, but I think I got the gist. Bryan was doing his happy dance (looked to me like his "I've just had sex with a willing participant" dance), then left his condom behind. A kindly neighbour was walking by, so he picked it up, intending to return it to it's rightful owner.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. And thankfully he tracked me down just in time so I could put it on and reuse it on a second willing participant. Remember, it's green to recycle, and you can easily use those things up to 4-5 times before they get downright rancid.

      Delete
  19. Obviously your sexy dancing is what is making this poor geezer so randy!
    I got excited myself and I don't even take Cialus. For the love of all that is lubed and rubbery, dance behind the fence or inside the house for awhile so the guy can calm down and go about his life! He's just a man, flesh and bone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's also a gay man living with his partner, and if I did a sexy dance for him, well, that probably doesn't send the right message.

      Delete
  20. Well it's obvious, isn't it? That neighbor was clearly performing some sort of mating ritual, trying to get the victims to come aboard his "Love Boat of Moronic Idiocy." Glad he got caught. That kind of crap is only tolerated in the very remotest corners of Montana, (which, by the way, is another one of those close-kept secrets that only Kim Jong Il knows...)

    Oh, and GIRRRLLL can I just say that your dance moves are nothing short of FAB-U-LOUS! (Complete with emphatic finger snapping.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've had a lot of words describe me in my life. Never before has GIRRRRL or FABULOUS been one of them. Thank... you...?

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    2. Glad I could provide a whole new experience for you. :)

      Delete
  21. As Jerry Clower would say:
    "What's wrong with you, boy? You got ants in your pants?"
    "No, two hot, steel balls!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES. I remember that bit. Classic. And you'd better believe I've got some solid steel aggies.

      Delete
  22. I would be kind of leery of that guy in the last video. He seems sort of dangerous and groovy.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I hear that's what he does shortly before he kills you. Why do you think the video ended so quickly? RIP Brandon. :(

      Delete
  23. What a douchewad! I mean, really, WHO saves them long enough to take them over to the neighbors to throw in their yard? Is it supposed to be some kind of trophy or something? Is the guy cheating on his S/O? If nothing else, DNA would have indentified him. I vote that he gets the dumbass of the day award

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's what I DON'T want to know. Were these saved especially to throw over the fence, or were they created "on the spot" so they'd be as, uh, "fresh" as possible?

      Delete
  24. The last guy is definitely trying out for America's Got No Talent. Is your camera that obvious?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ba-zing! And this, folks, is clearly why I'm a writer and not a beat boxing break dancer.

      (Though it's fun to pretend, right?)

      Delete
  25. What a douche bag of a neighbor, the iq of the grass is probably higher than his. That last guy hmmmm is he having a seizure? Constipated? lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think if you combine them into "constipated seizure" you'll get a lot closer to finding that solution.

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  26. Replies
    1. Yeah, those dance moves are pretty gross. Who would even THINK to still do the Carlton in this day and age?

      Delete
  27. woah the dancing :D

    PS: Help me raise money for the education by funding the campaign on Rockethub . (Here http://rkthb.co/35461 )

    PSS: Hope you don't mind this bryan and brandon :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Will this education teach children how to bust a move?

      Delete
    2. Nope but it will teach someone Structural engineering .
      PS: Thanks

      Delete
  28. Ahh technology. Is there anything it can't do? It's a bit much to throw condoms into people's yards if you ask me. I wonder if it's a worse offense if the neighbour isn't getting any and it's sign as some kind unsubtle insult.

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    1. It can't teach me how to love. Or how to dance properly. :(

      Delete
  29. Hm, perplexing. I'm not sure what those moves are called, but I'd rather view that than a used condom. Actually, I'm impressed. Nice dancing.

    xoRobyn

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    1. The robot, pullin' the rope, the Carlton, the shimmy, the Charleston, crazy legs, the stomp, shuffling, and the moon walk... but who's keeping track, right?

      Delete
  30. You'd sort of wonder what your neighbour's actual deal is. I just don't understand why he's specifically decided to go out and throw things into other neighbour's gardens, it's harassment and a very very strange form of harassment at that which has me scratching my head. I will say that he pretty much screwed himself over the minute that he threw the condom and was seen on camera, from day one that was him outsmarted and essentially caught out. What a bizarre guy who needs some serious help from his family if he has one, glad to see that he's caught out.

    But most importantly, Brandon actually went on a date with a farting broom? I mean what is that about?????????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the neighbor's just mad that Brandon dated his farting broom.

      Delete
  31. The neighbour is doing Society a favour, by not spreading his demented seed into the human race, we hope. Fred Astaire would be turning in his grave! (If he had internet service!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, I'm pretty sure Fred Astaire would be popping and locking in his grave.

      Delete
  32. That is just gross, who does such things? Your neighbors I guess. That voodoo dance cleanse the area?

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    1. So far no more condoms have been thrown, and we got a bit of rain. According to the laws of science, it practically worked.

      Delete
  33. Smart move with the camera. What an asshole! Was that Michael Jackson reincarnated?

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    1. Minus the bad surgery and the "fondness" for children... maybe?

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  34. Wow....and I thought my neighbor was an ass (she lets her dog crap in my front yard and when she gets her trees trimmed she does not pick up what falls on my yard).

    No used condoms, though...

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    1. I had a neighbor who used to let their dog crap in my yard, until I kept taking it and throwing it over onto their front porch when I picked up after mine. It magically stopped after that.

      Delete
  35. sorta reminds me of the time I was walking my dog and she randomly goes to pee right in front of someone in their yard. They got pretty mad, even though we were on a city sidewalk (not their yard) and how am I suppose to clean it up anyway? Magic evaporation?

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    1. I've had that happen to me before too, and I just told them, "Yeah, sure, I'll pick it up. You got a straw?" They just shook their heads and went inside. I'm not sure what they were expecting...

      Delete
  36. Did I see the cabbage patch, Bryan? Your mix of the 80's and 90's dance moves was pretty impressive. I'm just glad you didn't resort to twerking.

    So, um, the old guy didn't wear any gloves or anything when he handled his gift of jiz. I know it's his mess and all but I still found it pretty unsanitary. I guess when your mind is that depraved you don't think of such things.

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  37. I have nothing comical or witty to say. That's just too odd for me to comment on. But, I guess all you can say is, what goes around cums around. Wayooh.

    But, damn, those were some sweet moves by Br-- I mean, the mystery performer.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Some say the mystery performer is still dancing to this day. No one knows where he goes, or why he goes there, but they only know HOW he gets there... through the art of dance.

      Delete
  38. I think you should move. Anyone willing to fuck with their neighbors is probably a sociopath or a psychopath. I don't know the difference but I do know they're both bad. Move.

    BTW, Love the moves. You got it goin' on.

    ReplyDelete
  39. What kind of people throw underwear, dildos, and used condoms in their neighbor's yards? I think I would be looking for a different neighborhood.

    But I loved the entertainment portion of the post. Nice dance moves, Bryan.

    BTW..let's give the broom the benefit of the doubt, maybe she ate something that didn't agree with her.

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    1. It's not a bad neighborhood otherwise. Which, I'm sure sounds like a stupid thing to say. "Yeah, I mean, minus the dildo throwing and used condoms and rancid underwear it's a pretty sweet place to live."

      Oh, and as for Broomhilda, I just think she has bad manners. She didn't even excuse herself.

      Delete
  40. That dude has Chris Brown moves.

    With moves like that, the ladies are going to be all over him! He might need to go borrow that other dude's condom, since the neighbor clearly isn't using it anymore...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That condom's already been used 5 times, meaning it's like 2-3 uses past its expiration date. Come on now, that's just gross.

      Delete
  41. I love that you caught that guy out and now he is going to cop it for being a nasty neighbour (cringing at how gross he must be)
    As for the dancing, loved it. The world needs more random dancing (I might have been sprung dancing a little in the supermarket this morning)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Random dancing is a great way to get some exercise, feel a little joy, AND show all immediate bystanders that you're a little crazy. What's not to love?

      Delete
  42. REKT. Oh man, this is hilarious. I hope the charges go through and I can't wait to hear the finale of this.

    This is also why dash-cams are important. Many people are idiots and won't take responsibility for their actions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In the age of cell phones and security cams, it's getting harder and harder for people to get away with stupid crimes. I had a guy try to start a fight with me in a parking lot over practically nothing, and instantly there were people recording it on their cellphones saying, "We already have you on camera being an asshole, so good luck convincing the police otherwise." It was pretty awesome.

      Delete
  43. That is just too much awesome! Breakdancing? Fighting with an invisible ninja? Pretty cool either way.

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  44. I usually try to stay away from videos but I reluctantly clicked them....all of them, and the last one made it worth the agony of clicking videos. Smooth moves, Bryan!

    ReplyDelete