Monday, November 18, 2013

A Bum Deal: Misconceptions of the Writerly Life

Hi folks. Today we'd like to talk about something close to our hearts. No, it's not the perilous plunder of whiskey dick and its nuisance to the world. Today we'd like to talk about the unfair stereotypes cast over all us slovenly writers. We compiled a list of the most common misconceptions we've personally encountered and hope it helps you to judge us quirky wordslingers a little less harshly.

1) Writers are not recluses. That's just downright silly. Both the liquor store man and the Chinese delivery guy know us by name.






2) Writers are not drunks. We find that label to be slanderous and untrue. Whiskey is a scientifically accepted food group. Look it up on any current dietary pyramid chart.


3) Writers are not apathetic cynics. We really do care about things. Just not politics. Or religion. Or people. Or things.

4) Writers don't write to escape reality. We do it for the fame. And the money. And the unyielding respect and appreciation of the masses. We yearn for the day we can sign things that aren't receipts or parking tickets.





There you have it, ladies and germs. A solid explanation from the mouths of two working writers in defense of our own kind. Which, when we stop and think about it, is sort of unusual. Because we typically hate associating with other writers. Anyway, have mercy on us. If you see a lonely, studious guy (or gal) sitting at the end of a bar by himself, quietly cursing the world and scorning the overhead TV, send a drink his way, won't you? Because he's probably just a writer. Or a mass murderer.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: Left Hand Milk Stout Nitro
Music: The Stone Roses






98 comments:

  1. I really need to order Chinese takeout more often. Just hope my delivery guy isn't as chatty.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The pizza delivery guy isn't better. He always says, "Hi, I'm Steve from Domino's," and I always feel like, "Okay, asshole, I don't need your entire back story. I just ordered a pizza. I know who you are and where you're from."

      Delete
  2. I'm just amazed how much writers' sweat. I guess with all that brain power puttin' pen to the paper it causes major pit sweat. Or else it's the Chinese food oozin' out the pores.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's grueling work churning out that many words. Also, that Chinese food is incredibly toxic and does astounding things to the human body.

      Delete
  3. Are you sure that writers aren't apathetic cynics? I guess that proves that I am not a writer...but I guess we all knew that, huh?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm actually not all that sure. I'm apathetic about asking them, and cynical that their answer would even be genuine.

      Delete
  4. I'm reading this wearing knee socks and a big wrap around sweater. Umm...yeah. Let's hope no one comes to the door and I can live in seclusion and play make believe for the next 6 hours.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A woman answering the door with no pants is fun and quirky. A man answering the door with no pants is invitation for sexual harassment charges.

      Delete
  5. haha made in china xD
    we do write to escape reality though :| :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But who would want to escape the awesome reality of being in sweatpants, on a computer, eating day-old Chinese food?

      Delete
  6. That pun right at the end there was just a classic. I'd consider saying it but I'd probably be killed pretty quickly. Unfortunately I am a bit asocial, apathetic and cynical. What a bad writer I am. I don't write to escape reality either. I don't live in reality as it is. I can't escape it any more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a perfect summation of being a writer. I don't need to escape reality; I make my own reality.

      Delete
  7. lol oh number 3, I can nod and agree for sure. That chinese take out guy is just a nuisance

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He rings my doorbell, he yaks my ear off, he expects me to pay him... what a dick, right?

      Delete
  8. That's why I order my Chinese for take-out. I can go to the restaurant, grab a beer at the bar, and rush out the door with my food. It's killing two birds with one stone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your Chinese restaurants have bars? You clearly frequent classier Chinese establishments than we do...

      Delete
  9. So the lesson is that only writers can abuse Chinese people?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a two way street. With the shit they put in that Chinese food, my digestive tract is definitely getting some heavy abuse.

      Delete
  10. I hope that the dedication of your next novel is to poor, long-suffering Yang.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know. I bet Yang makes more in tips than we make in book royalties. :(

      Delete
  11. I has a solution to your problem, BEER BOYS...

    The next time you order Chinee food to be delivered, request that Yang's sister Yin deliver it. Yin is a lot less talkative than Yang is.

    Yes, I know that's the opposite of how it is here in the U.S., where American men mostly grunt and American women, well, you can't never get 'em to shut-the-fudge-up. But, it actually makes sense when you consider how backwards China is.

    And I gotta say... when I read the first dialogue balloon, spoken by Yang the Chinee delivery boy (“Hello, Mister Meyer, nice to see you again. I bring you sweet and sour pork. How are you today?”) all I could think of was Lane Meyer in 'BETTER OFF DEAD' being taunted by the Chinee racing boys. Even my internal voice sounded like Howard Cosell when I read that dialogue balloon!

    4-B: Not sure if you saw my other comment or not, but according to a highly (un-)reliable source, the contraband should be delivered to Stuart's house today. Check wid him and see if he gets it.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, and thus arises the question: "Which is better? Speaking no English at all, or speaking Howard Cosell?"

      Also, why do you think Yang is so damn annoying? He just wants his "two dollars."

      Delete
    2. According to my Chinee driver's tracking number, le contrabande has been delivered. Hopefully it wasn't just an empty "sixgun holster" by the time it got there. That would be bad karma x 6 for someone with about 6.5 EBV (Evil By Volume).

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  12. It's the eternal question: "How little of a life can I have and still have anything to write about?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My ability to spout pure, unfiltered bullshit more than makes up for this.

      Delete
  13. This is all very true. It's also a common misconception that writers don't get dressed for weork.. I do, it's just that my 'office' has a casual Monday-Friday thing going on, so I put on my dressing gown like any other human being. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Around this 'office', unwashed oversized t-shirts are the standard uniform and pants are completely optional.

      Delete
  14. And the internet addiction? Not at all... it's called research. Say it with me "reeeeeesearcccch".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! And I can't help it if hilarious cat pictures and viral videos and random news stories gets tangled up in there while I'm "researching."

      Delete
  15. Writers are drunks? I had no idea you two have ever even went near such a foul thing as beer, I always thought the blog name was ironic! ;) I'm a big fan of Yang the delivery man, to think that he thought he was getting one over you getting you to sign something for him, you guys sure showed him, love it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And now I just discovered that at least one of you are TMBG fans, could you guys get any better???

      Delete
    2. Irony is for hipsters. We've been known to have a beer or two to get the creative process started. And finished. And to celebrate being finished. And to sleep at night.

      Two guys that have known each other since they were kids, collaborating on quirky, lighthearted art? It seems that we and TMBG aren't all that different.

      Delete
  16. I'm always nice to delivery guys. It helps with my social skills. I ask about their family. When they tell me about their wife and kids I say, "oh I don't care about them, how's your dog and cat?"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't ask the Chinese guy how his dog and cat are. You're probably going to have them for lunch immediately after.

      Delete
  17. Man, we don't have any Chinese places that deliver around here. :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Here all of the Chinese places deliver, but you have to order at least $15-20 worth of stuff to meet the 'delivery minimum requirement.' So it's pretty much useless unless I feel like eating for a family of four.

      Delete
  18. Doing good. Thanks for asking. I love you guys!!!!! I'm off to slam 12 whiskeys, eat bad Chinese takeout, and not care about things like people, religion, and things.

    ReplyDelete
  19. This sums it up. http://twicsy.com/i/887Zmb

    ReplyDelete
  20. Ha! I wonder if its even possible for a writer to be an extrovert? Is that a thing?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not a thing that I've ever seen. Or care about (see #3).

      Delete
  21. Wow. I can't believe the misconceptions that people have about writers! Those stereotyping, judgmental jack-wagons!

    Oh, and I'm so impressed that you guys have made such an effort to be more social! I mean, the liquor store guy AND the Chinese food delivery guy know your names? That's twice as many as last year! I'm so proud!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They still won't buy our books though, those selfish pricks. Who else are we supposed to sell to? The door to door Mormons? They won't talk to either of us anymore. :(

      On a serious note, the guy at the liquor store not only knows what type of whiskey I like, he keeps one refrigerated in their mini fridge so it's already chilled when I get there. He's like, "Ah, the usual?" and then just pulls it out of the fridge.

      Either he likes me or this is what alcoholism looks like. Or both.

      Delete
  22. Hahaha the 'made in China' thing had me laughing for a while Is that bad? That's bad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm the one who said it, so karma wise, I'm still way ahead of you in terms of "bad shit will probably happen to me because of this."

      Delete
  23. Replies
    1. If there was such a thing as the liquor delivery man I would never, under any condition, leave my house. That includes natural disasters. At that point I'd just be the captain going down with the ship.

      Delete
  24. I'm still laughing at the "Chatty Cathy" bit. Mr. Yang is shameless. You guys sure taught him. Nicely played.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He should have known better than to bring us cheap food and expect money. Or idle chit chat. We have very important things to do, like write stories. Much more important than whatever nonsense he's doing.

      Delete
  25. I can consider myself fortunate I guess. I get my Chinese food from the Panda Express across the street from where I live. It gets me out of the house for a few minutes and I don't have to tip. I also don't have to worry about constipation.

    Lee
    Wrote By Rote

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If there was a Panda Express across the street from my house my social life would easily double. As would my regularity.

      Delete
  26. I think you forgot to mention all the fame, money, women, and all that good stuff that comes along right away as you just start to write.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My wife is a tricky one. She told me, "I'm a pre-gold digger, because I know you'll be rich and famous one day. I'm just latching on now so it doesn't look weird when you DO take off."

      So... uh... thanks for believing in me, I guess?

      Delete
  27. Did you see my post today?

    http://discconnectedussr.blogspot.com/

    Next you're going to want to put Yang in some kind of camp!

    You writers are like Hitler! Or worse, like late night television comedians!

    LC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Immediately after this was posted we sent Yang to Jimmy Kimmel's death camp, where he'll be expected to watch Jimmy Kimmel perform unfunny standup for 48 hours straight until he bleeds from the eyes or gouges his own eardrums out.

      Delete
  28. I'm guilty of #2 (France is nummy wines) and #3 seriously made me crack up.

    -Barb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know if "is" was deliberate or a slip, but either way, I could not agree more. France IS wine, and one day I will drink it all.

      Delete
  29. Wait so you guys *do* drink whiskey? Damn, I should stop taking your posts seriously. It's like I haven't learnt anything in what should be over half a year already.

    It's weird though that some of those stereotypes exist. Now if you were to talk about new, beginning or indie writers, then yes, you'd have a point.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we need to start keeping a database of when we're being serious and when we're just goofing around. We like to poke fun at ourselves, so that even includes our whiskey drinking. Neither of us really knows the first thing about it, but we do enjoy it from time to time even if SOME of them just taste outright like gasoline (that part was not made up).

      Delete
  30. liquor store guy knows me by name too, and when I come in they just go ahead and get a 5th of Jager out of the freezer for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The fact that I'm not alone in this gives me more comfort than you could possibly understand.

      Delete
  31. I'm so hungry for Chinese food now. Dammit!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Give Yang a call. Just make sure and specify which Bryan-with-a-Y you are, otherwise he might spit in your food.

      (I guess he doesn't like me. No idea why, though...)

      Delete
  32. I always hate when places offer to deliver. Don't tempt me to be lazy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's okay, the cheapass in me just remembers, "Oh, wait, I have to pay them $2 for this, plus a tip. I guess I can put on pants and drive across the street."

      Delete
  33. Replies
    1. This sounds like how most porn movies are started, and while I'm sure Yang is a very nice man, let's just say he's not what either of us are looking for.

      Delete
  34. I particularly like the advice to delivery foll kn this post. A tip AND a grammar lesson. Whodathunk? Better do the poison test on your next order of Kung Pao Chicken.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I figure if I'm putting that shit in my body in the first place, a little spit or some dandruff is the least of my concerns...

      Delete
  35. Damn! I was expecting a treatise on the perilous plunder of whisky dick. Which sounds like a fucking great, perverse kids' book, btw.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Your Winky Doesn't Work, And Here's Why." If you don't write this, we will.

      Delete
  36. Well, looks like programmers share the same lifestyle as writers.

    Btw, that last comic was priceless!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As a guy who did programming for years before he was a full time writer, I can tell you the lifestyle never changed. Only what I was doing on the computer.

      Delete
  37. Soooooo writers are NOT insane narcissists hell-bent on creating a world only they can control as the last desperate hope to exercise control over anything in their lives? My world view has changed. Wait, was I just manipulated by writers, altering my own world view!?! Well played, crafter of ideas with words, well played.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We don't just shape our own world. We shape yours, too. Who do you think gave you those antlers?

      /mind blown

      Delete
  38. Replies
    1. See, that's what I'm saying. $2 won't buy Yang squat in this day and age, but that grammar lesson will last him a lifetime.

      Delete
  39. The "tip" you gave him made me laugh out loud for a full minute, plus I learned something new. That's why I love your blog. You provide humor and PSAs.

    Now I want Chinese food.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you saw what Yang did to it, you wouldn't have a craving for Chinese food...

      Also, if you see this, expect something from me soon. I've been mucho busy but it's all worth it. Ooh, the suspense.

      Delete
  40. When can we talk about the perilous plunder of whisky dick? Because I feel it really needs to be discussed and prevented. It is friend to no one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Perhaps this will have to be another blog topic. As with all topics, we always do our research, so I'm sure my wife will greatly look forward to the work I'm going to put into this.

      Delete
  41. Thanks for this guide you guys! Now I have a reason to be like I am! lol. Love the food pyramid especially.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If we can't change who we are, the least we can do is make excuses for why it's totally normal.

      Delete
  42. If there is one thing I learned from this Blog bit, it's that the next move I make, I have simply got to go somewhere that I can get Chinese delivery.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's just something so much more satisfying about food being driven straight to you, and only having to pay $2 for this.

      Delete
  43. Tomatoes are a fruit. Cucumbers too.
    Bit envious you get Chinese food delivered. Here we have to actually leave home to get our dose of sweet and sour with a side of fried rice

    ReplyDelete
  44. The lifestory jokes was so sad but yet so funny! It is a great chinese burn...ba dum tish!

    ReplyDelete
  45. Nice tip. I would egg the house. :)

    ReplyDelete
  46. It all makes sense now, no wonder why I sometimes have no motivation to write. I'm lacking the whiskey food group.

    A good an excuse as any to go and get more scotch.

    ReplyDelete
  47. You guys can afford takeout? You really ARE successful writers.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Wow, it really is hard to discern writers at the bar from mass murderers. No wonder people looked at me weird and scooted further away when I was furiously typing and muttered, "That's it!! I'll kill him!" about a character....

    ReplyDelete