Monday, October 28, 2013

Working For the (North Korean) Government Has Its Perks

We've told some pretty tall tales in our day. We've ghosthunted with douchetastic ghost-bro Zak Bagans. We elected a retarded, krumping goat as our president. We even saved Charlie Hunnam's career. We do all of this for fun, but we never thought these kind of stories would have caught the attention of some very important people looking for our particular storytelling skill set.

Our new employer? The North Korean government, of course.

North Korea is no stranger to ridiculous stories. As their people are shut off from the entire rest of the world, they're forced to listen to whatever BS the government feeds them. And they believe it. For example, an article last year claimed that North Korean archaeologists found a unicorn's lair.


And in a video, they even claimed to have blown up the Capitol Building and set their sights on the White House, to keep us Americans "in check."


So when we heard we were going to work for the North Korean government, we were just ecstatic terrified out of our minds. They picked us right up before any other potential employer could snag us kidnapped us violently in the middle of the night and offered us a very generous compensation package promised they wouldn't murder us if we worked hard for them.



Our first story (aside from 'please help us anyone,' which resulted in a full day's worth of beatings): the shutdown that previously held up the American government for 17 days and cost us $24 billion dollars was not due to congressional disagreement. Rather, it was the infiltration of Kim Jong Il, who is not dead, but has actually spent the past 2 years posing as a congressman from a state no one gives a shit about. On October 1st, he served his glorious nation by shutting down the US government.


He also knows every single one of Montana's secrets. The US government is still trying to figure out if this actually holds any sort of value whatsoever.

Kim Jong Il is also responsible for the lunar pull and solar eclipses, and when the Insane Clown Posse posed the quandary, "Fucking magnets, how's that shit work, yo?" the correct answer, of course, is Kim Jong Un, who when not bravely fighting diabetes and hypertension, also fights magnetic poles.

Stay tuned for next time, when we unveil the cause of the obesity epidemic in America (hint: it's Kim Jong Il posing as a delicious McDonald's hamburger). That is if we aren't beaten for our western insolence.

Cheers and stay informed, friends,
B&B

Music: Do the sirens that usher everyone off to a hard day's labor count?
Beer: Prison-style toilet wine

P.S. In honor of this week being Halloween, we're offering a week long 30% off discount on the paperback version of our new horror novel The Graveyard Shift. Just copy the coupon code below, and enter that bad boy at checkout to get 30% off. It's perfect not just for those who haven't yet bought the book, but for those who might have snagged the Kindle version but still want the paperback copy to grace their library. We truly mean it when we say this is the sharpest looking book we've put out to date.

Discount code: XTMCD38C



87 comments:

  1. If he's infiltrated McDonald's, the US is doomed...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Latest rumor is that he will NOT bring the McRib back this season until we concede all military power.

      Delete
  2. Dang, where did Kim Jong score that cowboy hat? Looks like it might be made of gator skin? Pity that gator didn't bite his fat ass.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He wrestled that gator and killed it with his bare hands, like any good hardworking (infiltrating) American.

      Delete
  3. Still not got around to reading that book, although I have bought it. Just need to finish my current book, then I'm all yours.

    To be honest though, I'm not sure why I'm commenting since you won't be able to read it in North Korea. How did you manage to post this in the first place?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh, they have the Internet, it's just that everything is blocked. It helps that they can't actually read what we're saying, otherwise we would be SO blocked.*

      *beaten and killed

      Delete
  4. I heard Kim Jong il is who originally came up with the idea of drinking beer in the shower...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's true. He drinks ten in the shower every morning just to gather his strength for the day.

      Delete
  5. I hear Kim Jung Un is actually a form taken on by Kim Jung Il after he scaled the Mountain of Hugo Kimari's Petrified Dragon and drank from the Fountain of Youth. Oh, and he knows the cure to cancer but feels as though the cure will cause too much of an imbalance on Earth, so he keeps it to himself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kim Jong Un was rated sexiest man alive by the Onion, so that fountain of youth is CLEARLY working.

      Delete
  6. You guys are at the cutting edge of news, I'm cancelling my National Enquirer subscription!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're guaranteed to be 10% more accurate than The Sun!

      Delete
  7. My hubby wanted us to move to Montana. I said hell no! It's way to cold and has too much snow for me.

    I'm thinking I might just take you guys up on that 30% off deal. I bought the Kindle version but would much rather have it in print. Yeah, it was that good you two!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is the 30% off at Createspace or at Amazon?

      Delete
    2. Createspace only. Just click the cover picture and it'll take you there.

      Also, unless you're a buffalo, why would anyone move to Montana intentionally?

      Delete
  8. I think I'd take a job by the North Korean government. I don't think I'd last long though. I'd put subliminal messages in the story and if there's one thing those guys know about, it's subliminal messages that control the public.

    I mean if there's one thing they know about it's loving their people and honesty. All glory to the Hypnotoad. I mean North Korea.

    ReplyDelete
  9. What's this Montana? Sounds vaguely familiar.
    Thanks for the coupon, that book will totally class up our coffeetable, and make great Christmas presents. I will spread the word.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Be warned, it's a really scary book. I put a copy on my coffee table and 3 days later the coffee table committed suicide.

      True story.

      Delete
  10. If they can expose Montana's secrets then we're all doomed! I mean really, how did they possibly find out that it is a vast land of great plains and not much of anything else, with a population of 50? I bet they have buffalo working on the inside!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. If they infiltrate Idaho as planned then we are so fucked.

      Delete
  11. The only thing they are doing it wrong is he is selling these ideas as a north Korean leader, if he sold these ideas as religious leader and in the name of jongism religion everyone shall be eating it up.
    I remember my dad (atheist) he used to make fun of religions all time. If the accidential discovery was by a religious nut, he would raised a temple there and opened a business there with some entrance fee and that would be end of magnets, xrays , teflon, radioactivity anything and everything.

    watch out you both hopefully you don't have porn charges or shirtless photo of you guys anywhere in the internet. You know what happens in North Korea for those violators. :)

    What happens in North Korea stays in comic section of all magazines everywhere else in the world.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know, this sounds like a kind of kooky religion to me.

      Kim Jong Il Shouts At Mountains

      Delete
    2. Sexiest man alive - I think this video gave him this title before onion.
      Btb, your book, nice scam there - 30% discount and 30%shipping. Just kidding. :)
      I finished the haunting for this month's book club and this book is for me - I am going to paste that house story to my kids about creating art work on the wall and on the couch and send ypu theraphy bills.
      Sharpest book? What about your slim Dyson?
      when you were in north Korea were you allowed to see his wife?

      Delete
    3. We would offer free shipping if we could but that's a bit beyond my reach... Maybe I could drive it to your house instead? I don't have anything going on for the next 5 days anyway.

      I think These Walls has a great lesson for kids. Draw on the walls, and things will fall on you. If you don't draw on the walls, your fingers won't be broken. The clear solution: don't draw on the walls. Easy enough!

      Slim was pretty sharp (I should know, that's my beefcake physique on the cover) but Graveyard Shift just looks amazing. The color really pops, and I never thought I'd say that about anything baby poop brown.

      Delete
  12. Kim Jong Il didn't care much for Obama, so he's a clear Tea Party-favorite.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sarah Palin is actually just Kim Jong Il in a wig and a dress. He has amazing legs for a man of 70.

      Delete
  13. Ah, this post answers a whole lot of questions. Now I just need to figure out what those questions are.

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    1. I believe the question is "Where am I taking my next vacation?" North Korea or Montana are of course both acceptable answers.

      Delete
    2. Hey, I like Montana. I used to spend good deal of time there. AND, there are in fact people living there along with one of the most haunted places I've ever visited.

      I don't think I could ever go to Korea, North or South as I've recently learned that the people there don not know how to pronounce the number 'five' correctly.

      Think on that for awhile.

      Delete
    3. Kim Jong Un pays us Eighty Fie cents a day. We've asked for Eighty Five, but apparently they don't have Vs in China.

      Delete
  14. LMAO well at least it is a cheap dental and medical plan. The US is doomed, McDonalds will now rule over them with an iron skillet?

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    1. Don't forget their nuclear missiles. Once they figure out how to launch those further than 50 feet our entire nation is just fucked so hard.

      Delete
  15. This is not a believable story. Everybody knows there's no such thing as Montana.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Montana is not a physical location. Montana is a state of euphoria that you can only reach if you close your eyes and embrace the faint hint of warmth inside of your black, withered heart.

      Delete
    2. I have five words for you: BIG SKY IPA

      Better leave Montana out of this. Montana tastes pretty good to me, Beer Boys!

      I "go to Montana" every time I need to leave my troubles behind me, because a six-pack of Montana will heal what ales ya!

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    3. That's what I love about Big Sky - they take the ONE good thing about Montana and bring it straight to you, so you don't have to waste your time heading all the way out there.

      Also, I've heard rumors that people live in Montana, but I have yet to verify this. Until then, I'm pretty sure Big Sky is homebrewed by one very savvy buffalo.

      Delete
  16. I always suspected these hospitals were ripping us off with needles and drips and such. Who knew any health problem could be fixed with a hammer and duck tape? And White House got blown up? Wow! I wonder what they're doing with the unicorn horn? If they have a give-away, Jeneral Insanity better not get it this time!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I assume they whittled out the inside and turned it into a battle horn that they can valiantly blow before charging into America and massacring us all.

      Delete
  17. I wish that video had English subtitles. But at least you got some good healthcare for making the switch. Fun fact - Canada has public healthcare and you won't be "beaten for your western insolence". Come up here! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You guys are also incredibly polite and not morbidly obese. What the hell are we still doing here in America?

      Delete
  18. Because this seems appropriate:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8j3_DUqKyTk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah yes, because Kim Jong Il wrote that song in 1990 and recorded the backing vocals, right?

      Delete
  19. >>… Kim Jong Un, who when not bravely fighting diabetes and hypertension, also fights magnetic poles.

    You know what?...

    Fuck KIM JONG UN!

    Fuck AMAZON.COM!

    And Fuck your 30% OFF COUPON CODE, too!

    I am, however, UP for some “MAGNETIC POLES”.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    ‘Loyal American Underground’

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you don't accept that coupon, then the terrorists win. Do you want that on your conscience? In fact, current coupon threat level is listed as: Pumpkin Ale Orange.

      Also, it's nice to see that what the Poles lack in beer they more than make up for with their women. Assuming of course you can actually pronounce their names. I think it might be a Polish custom to just sneeze consonants in order to come up with a name...

      Delete
    2. You know, there's always at least one naysayer in the group, but even a naysayer will STAND for "something".

      Ooh! Is the current coupon threat level listed as "Pumpkin Ale Orange"? Sorry. I didn't realize it had become that critical. Well, I simply couldn't live with myself if the terrorists win and I am partly to blame for it.

      So... I will reluctantly cash in that coupon code on Thursday, my next day off from work. ...But I had better not find out later that you lied about the threat level having reached Pumpkin Ale Orange!

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  20. You guys are stuck. No one leaves not even their deadly missles

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    Replies
    1. On the other hand, though, it's nice being the tallest guys in an entire country full of people.

      Delete
  21. Have you guys read The Orphan Master's Son? A fictional account of life in North Korea. This post made me feel like you NEED to read it!

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    1. Never heard of it, but we'll definitely check it out. It couldn't be any more fictionalized than half the garbage the North Koreans hear now.

      Delete
  22. That's a pretty believable story though. Don't be surprised if some conspiracy theorists start popping up because all this satire is just an obvious attempt at hiding the truth with the truth.

    Nice try, guys. Wink wink.

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    1. I don't know, some of it sounds believable, but the idea that the government is monitoring our every move and controlling what information we receive about them sounds like something out of a sci-fi movie. Who would believe that kind of nonsense?

      Delete
  23. He knows ALL of Montana's secrets. Really? ALL OF THEM? Wow. That must have taken him a whole ten minutes to commit them all to memory. What a dizzying intellect! He makes Vizzini look like a total chump!

    I, by the way, happen to know one-third of Montana's darkest secrets. It involves using dirt, grass, and cow pies to make yourself a suitable date for the Prom. AKA: Dancing in an empty field to yourself singing "Eye of the Tiger" and "My Heart Will Go On" at the top of your lungs. Yeah, I've come across some pretty weird books at the library in my time...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That doesn't sound all that far off from our junior/senior prom here in cowtown, Colorado. Except add "Forever Young" and "(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight" to that song list.

      The 80s will never die to the people of Brighton, Colorado. Just ask their clothing and hairstyles.

      Delete
  24. I'd have no qualms if you continued telling us about your time working for North Korea guys, actually sniggering so much right now!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is all serious fact reporting here. Not sure what there is to laugh at. Here in North Korea, laughing could get you executed. So can smiling and wearing blue on Tuesday.

      Just kidding, wearing blue any day will get you senselessly murdered.

      Delete
  25. That unicorn story was the best thing ever. I think A Beer for the Shower could make some great advancements in NK lies. Give some legitimacy to unicorns.

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    Replies
    1. They've been ruined for years by children, being portrayed as cute, sparkly animals. Say that when you've been viciously impaled by one.

      Delete
  26. Kim Jong needs some loosening up. I look at pictures of him and think, "The guy needs to get laid." You're the ones to do it. I mean, the loosening up part, not the sex part. Gross. Sorry for any trauma inducing imagery I just caused.

    He has a gorgeous wife or girlfriend, I think (right?), which I find strange. Then again, money and power attract the money and power-hungry types.

    xoRobyn

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    1. I don't think it's so much money and power attracting women as him finding a woman and picking her and her going along with it, otherwise she'll be murdered like a dog in the street. You know, seeing as how a few months ago he publicly executed one of his former girlfriends for being 'shameful'...

      Delete
  27. "Who was that masked man"? I knew he looked familiar and not like the Lone Ranger. Damn they are good to pull that off.

    Your beer choice made me laugh. In the Idaho State Prison it's called Squawky. Don't ask me how I know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I'm ever in the Idaho State Prison, you'll have saved me some real embarrassment. No one wants to ask for toilet wine and have everyone else be like, "Whoa, who's the new guy over here?"

      Delete
  28. Perhaps now that your are working there you could be counter espionage spies. It's all the rage. You steal all their secrets and then hustle out of the country and live in an airport. I would think it might be hard to give up free dental and medical plans though. Did they offer you a Kia to drive while you are there?

    Seems like you could work out a coup as they appear to be pretty gullible.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You'd better believe we have the sweetest Kia Rio that $8,000 that can buy.

      Delete
    2. What? NO Soul? No little singing Hamsters?

      Delete
  29. I love you guys. Always a smile to be had and some truth too unfortunately re North Korea. Dental plan ? Some dentists here in Australia use the same method I'm sure.

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    Replies
    1. As a whole, the people of North Korea have better looking smiles than the toothless bumpkins from our backwards hometown.

      Delete
  30. McDonalds practically runs the country. I hope you have a plan. I'm going to go to Burger King to hide out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And who do you think lurks behind that big, goofy king mask?

      Delete
  31. I hear that Outstanding Leader Kim Jong Un has found a way to impregnate American women with his mind, it's all connected to his haircut and dance moves. And that Dear Leader Kim Jong Il has actually written every book since 1965. So that means...Gasp...I'd be reading the words of The Shining Star of Paektu Mountain using your names as his pseudonym.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's true, Kim Jong Un has written every single one of our books. The guy has a real sense of humor. He likes to joke around with us a lot, like when he says "Don't tell anyone about this or I'll kill your entire family." It's good to keep things lighthearted.

      Delete
  32. I just finished reading "Escape from Camp 41" by Blaine Harden - it tells the story of the only ever confirmed born in camp person to escape.
    It isn't a super uplifting book but really interesting one.

    So if I move to North Korea I won’t have food, rights or freedom but I will have unicorns!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't forget meth. There's apparently a lot of meth use.

      Delete
  33. You give the example of them claiming to find a unicorn's lair as though it were an obvious untruth. But how do you know its not true? I mean, we all know unicorns are real. Don't we??

    So I don't know how I missed that book, buy I will gladly snatch it up :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This scar on my abdomen and the dead kidney behind it tells me that unicorns are very real. Also, don't try to pet them. They are extremely aggressive.

      Oh, and thanks. :)

      Delete
  34. Well, that explains it, doesn't it? You know, I didn't really go to Chicago...oh wait, we're not supposed to mention that trip or the sheep, are we?

    ReplyDelete
  35. I think you got those labels and/or contents wrong. The medical plan actually consists of 2 rolls of duct tape and the dental plan is a hammer + pliers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 2 rolls of duct tape? Only if you upgrade to the 'Premium Plus Insurance Plan.'

      Delete
  36. Go gently with the kimchi, especially pre-1998, buried and marinated and atomically irridated for quality control! The duct tape could be very handy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the Koreans have got it right. If you can eat fermented cabbage and not have a digestional meltdown, then you can pretty much survive eating anything.

      Delete
  37. This explains everything. Those medical plans also seem a lot more reliable than some of our NHS staff x

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    Replies
    1. It's sure cheaper than the premiums I had to pay as a chump American.

      Delete
  38. I heard about the kidnapping...er, I mean, new employment opportunity. Complete with excellent medical and dental insurance. Some guys have all the luck :)

    ReplyDelete
  39. I've always said we shouldn't trust Montana. I mean, have you seen how close it is to the Canadian border?

    ReplyDelete
  40. I knew it was the North Koreans! They're the cause of all our troubles. I stubbed my toe today, and I'm positive it was a Kim Jong someone or other disguised as sidewalk. Jerks.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

    ReplyDelete
  41. I've been to Korea in winter. I'm pretty sure that's why they have to keep the population on lock down. Otherwise one day they would wake up and say, "hey this is BS!" And migrate en masse to warmer climes.

    ReplyDelete