Monday, October 7, 2013

We're Shutting Down

Greetings, ladies and germs. Welcome to another fine installment of A Beer for the Shower, where we put the 'ass' in 'class.' Today, we regret to inform you that due to a dispute over the site's fiscal budget for 2014, we've had to shutdown further posting. At least, until an agreement can be reached between Brandon and Bryan that doesn't include the argument "No, you're a dumbfuck boner idiot!"

So, until regular posting resumes (if ever) what will Bryan and Brandon be doing to fill their free time? Well, Bryan is handling the situation like any respectable man would. He's fallen into a downward spiral of depression, fueled by alcohol and self-loathing...





And as for Brandon? Well, he decided to start a new blog. A mommy blog...


By the second day, the two co-authors began to truly feel the effects of the A Beer for the Shower shutdown...

Like Bryan, who found himself wanting to draw crappy MSPaint comics but with no outlet in which to post them.



Or Brandon, who picked up one whole reader/commenter* on his mommy blog.

*later discovered to be a spam bot peddling weapons-grade Russian penile strengtheners


And the third day, Bryan hit rock bottom.




Brandon hit rock bottom as well, finding himself having to close up shop.


And so it happened that Bryan and Brandon were forced to reconcile their differences of opinion. Aside from suicide and prison (respectively), there was no other option. They finally reached an agreement on the fiscal crisis of their longstanding creative partnership.



Now if only the US government were as mature and responsible as we are...

Cheers and stay classy, folks,

-B&B

Beer: Shiner Premium Beer
Music: The Animals




104 comments:

  1. You should really get those bites checked out yeah. I'm glad you guys managed to reconcile your differences. As far as I know the US government still hasn't, so this topical satire is still topical!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know what else is topical? Ointment. Why have we still not rushed Brandon to a hospital...?

      Delete
  2. Your blog ate my comment!
    Before driving Brandon to the hospital, don the Hazmat suit.
    That one blogger with the million dollar deal depresses me. And sadly that's a real blogger...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've heard before that bloggers get huge book deals but have yet to see one pop up in my inbox. Unless "Nigerian lottery" is just a slang term for "million dollar book deal..."

      Oh God, I've turned down SO MANY BOOK DEALS!

      Delete
  3. Blah, just scared the cat's ocd with those bites. 33 cents can be a hard thing to reconcile though haha depressed too over the million dollar blogger

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, a million dollar book contract could sure buy a lot of non-bedbug infected mattresses...

      Delete
    2. and even MORE bedbug infected ones.

      Delete
  4. How are you guys going to receive your back pay if you're so carelessly tossing around large sums of money like that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blogging has led us to living an extravagant lifestyle, and frankly, we just don't know any other way.

      Delete
  5. I'd follow Brandonna's Superswell Mommy blog. That's blogger god there!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If blogging has taught us anything, it's that "do as I say, not as I do" isn't just acceptable - it's a way of life.

      Delete
  6. Pet blog: Domesticating Bedbugs. If nothing else the pictures should be an effective appetite suppressant to battle the nation's obesity epidemic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Until the obese people start rabidly consuming the poor, domesticated bedbugs.

      Never underestimate the power of a hungry fat person.

      Delete
  7. why not use the free time to visit any national park?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sure, I could show up to the empty national park, but without the government's presence, how could I truly enjoy the beauty of nature?

      Delete
  8. I love how Bryan's polka dotted blankie matches Brandon's bedbug sores.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What can we say? The two of us just have that special kind of synchronicity that's usually only found in mentally deficient twins.

      Delete
  9. Ahh, so the fiscal cliff has affected you also. I was badly affected by it. I managed to drive over the edge of my money mountain in a lambourgini and ended up wrapped round a tree. Ahh well, mo' money, mo' problems...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The government shutdown has affected both of us greatly. For example, the massive IRS audit against us for "cooking the books" has come to a grinding halt. I almost feel like they don't want us to pay steep penalties and serve jail time.

      Delete
  10. I am glad you worked things out. Now get those bedbug sores taken care of.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Apparently you need something called "health care" for that. I don't know what that is, but I have a half empty tube of Neosporin and some Spongebob Squarepants bandaids, so... that'll have to do for now.

      Delete
  11. I am glad you worked things out. Now get those bedbug sores taken care of.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Replies
    1. If things don't work out for me as an MSPaint artist, I figure I could always paint morbidly obese naked women. It's nice to have a contingency plan, you know?

      Delete
  13. Aw I love Allie! I wish I could blog full time too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If by "full time" you mean "once a year," then yes, yes I wish we could blog that often (and get away with it) too.

      Delete
    2. And have that be financially sustainable, with her shop and book deal. (Yes, I'm jelly.)

      Delete
  14. "BRANDONNA"?!

    Wait just a damn second, Busters. I was supposed to play "Donna"! Now even YOU guys are stealing ideas from me? If it ain't Blind Beer Taste Testers at YouTube, it's YouTwo Beer Boys!

    Where's a good entertainment lawyer when ya need o--- er... never mind. I was supposed to play Glenda, huh?

    Would you believe... I'm sorry 'bout that crack about you guys stealing from me. Missed it by THAT much.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brandonna and Donna were clearly two different concepts, as were the Blind Beer Taste Tests and the Brew Battles: Blind Beer Taste Tests. Like apples and oranges. Or Lagunitas and Keystones. Two completely different things about two completely different but kind of related things.

      Sincerely,
      Super Skeezy Legal Team That Can Get Away With This Shit

      Delete
  15. Glad you were able to patch your partnership back together and still find the energy to detail the whole horrible episode...Personally, I'm blaming the rats for the whole thing...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We told them the rats would only get stronger, but did they listen to us? No. And what happened? The rats got strong. Too strong.

      Delete
  16. Hahaha to the H&a1/2 dig! Good thing you aren't bitter about it! :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. I really want you two to do a Mom blog. I mean, I don't know whether there IS a full-time parody of a Mom blog out there.

    A blog where, with a straight face, the writer posts pictures of their kid's bathroom, and there's a picture of a plugged-in radio on the edge of the bath.

    Or a post asking if anyone has seen where her 2-year old went...

    Come to think of it, I'm going to go steal some random pics off facebook right now. This is a niche market that is wide open.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure when one of us spits out a kid we'll satirize child rearing, but until that time comes... have at it. We're begging you. With all of the terrible, terrible mommy blogs out there (I get it, your kid took a shit without missing the toilet - good for them, now stop posting pictures) this is a parody the blogosphere desperately needs.

      Delete
  18. Aw jeez, I hated to read this and y'all couldn't even have make up sex.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not with all of those bedbug bites, we couldn't.

      Delete
  19. What a great show of solidarity to your government to get into a pissing match and shut down your blog. However, the fact you could reconcile so quickly, probably annoys the non-movers and non-shakers in Washington. But to be fair, the government doesn't have 33 cents to work with. I had to look up to see how much they are short as I don't memorize this stuff but they are short 16,754,458,311,546.25.

    I am thinking a pillow fort in the closet is calling my name.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can't they just borrow it from their rich aunt? That's what I do whenever I have money problems, and you don't see me carrying massive debt.

      Delete
  20. If I didn't know better, I would think the two of you were straying into political commentary, but, nah, that couldn't be right...

    Nightwatch is $400, so, no, I haven't taken it home. I want to, but I don't really have that kind of cash.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Politics? Never. That's branching out into smart humor, and we here at ABftS prefer to keep things as low brow as possible.

      And for $400, it'd better be gold plated and massage your back every day you come home from a hard day's work.

      Delete
  21. But will you guys donate that $.33 to charity? It's the right thing to do.

    I was looking forward to this post, knowing you would make a hilarious mockery of the shutdown. You did good.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't believe in donating money to charity. I believe in donating my time. And rest assured, I will donate 33 cents worth of effort toward a very worthy cause.

      Delete
  22. Can I declare my blog a national park and thus, I am its sole ranger, double thus, I am furloughed? It's not like I'd be missing out on the pay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We've been furloughed our whole lives. But we just keep showing up, hoping that one day maybe someone will pay us.

      Delete
  23. I actually thought this would end in a goodbye-for-now. I'm relieved you're really just imitating a mature system with reasonable people in order to create a thought provoking view of how perfect the world is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, Brandon's been dead for 3 years now, but Bryan keeps posting under his name because he can't let go. He just. Can't. Let go.

      Delete
  24. Fortunately, you will get back pay for the time you were shut down, right?

    Up next....how ABFTS deals wit their debt ceiling!

    Larry

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In our next adventure, the debt ceiling will be represented by our actual ceiling, which is now leaking! What wacky hijinx await us? Stay tooned!

      Delete
  25. LOL! I'm certain that somewhere out in Internetlandia exists a blog dedicated, without irony, to the suitability of mammary glands.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I'm certain that it's 100% serious, 100% scientific, and 100% not fun to read.

      Delete
  26. You're just as reasonable as the government, I'm looking for healthcare?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure the two of us could come up with something better than Obamacare. Give us a pack of beer and an afternoon and we'll get back to you.

      Delete
  27. The ending made me snort guys, top class and hilarious as I expected! I'm overjoyed this really isn't the end though!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not over until the fat lady sings or one of us watches the other get a million dollar book deal and kills them in a jealous rage.

      Delete
  28. Phew! I'm glad you guys worked things out. Without your drunken bloggy awesomeness, the country would have crumbled to the ground!

    Oh, and is it true that three days of Bryan not shaving yields no stubble whatsoever? That's the impression I got from the illustrations. Just wondering...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bryan can go a whole week without shaving and still look like that. This is not a case of the artist being lazy, sadly... it's just bad genetics.

      Delete
  29. i really liked the self portrait tho, you might dabbled with dadism plus cubism plus splatter-it-onism.

    so the shutdown is still going on i guess...yay america.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm a big fan of splatter-ism, especially those paintings that look like a monkey flung its poo at a canvas, and of course the artist wants $10,000 for it.

      We are clearly in the wrong business.

      Delete
  30. Replies
    1. They have a reasonable amount of protein in high numbers.

      Delete
  31. I got little worried after glancing the title and was all set to spank that Arsenio Hall guy. Does these guys get paid if government is shutdown? If so then I am planning to get a job in government . If not shutdown there is always Russia to runaway or south if I could hate gays and praise the lord and picket against everything that is not in the bible.

    And about that "yours fit for feeding", as a proud mommy blogger I got reminded of days when I had my twins and they stuffed us with all of the gadgets after delivery. Nipple adapter , areola corrector, apart from suckling enhamcer, stretch mark remover, nipple sore cream and all that.
    I wonder how guys are able tp knock up the same woman after going through all this stuff .
    Our ancestors were right, men shouldn't see their women after childbirth at least for an year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're not making either of us want to have kids ANY time soon... And what the hell is an areola corrector? Does the baby suck so hard they knock it out of whack and then your boobs look like one has a lazy eye?

      Delete
    2. I was wondering the same thing.

      Delete
    3. Speaking about lazy eye, last year my kid was filling out something - "all about me" page in library and he listed 4 things as his favorite.
      1.train
      2.dvd
      3.Star wars
      4. Boobs ( this had dots in both O's)

      I was shocked and when I asked him he said that reading books is his favorite thing.
      "mommy look at the eyes I made with O's , isn't that funny?"
      I told tp myself "I am saving this and gonna ask you in ten years whether you spell "books" as "boobs" with eyes or nipples.

      And yes my kid could read grade 3 books at age 4 but spells books as boobs. :-)

      @Brett
      When you find the answer please let me know as well :)

      Delete
    4. Hahaha. Either way it works for me. If he really meant boobs and not books at age 4 as he claims - I don't need to find a girlfriend for him. He shall be a geek and a chick magnet:)
      if he didn't I don't need to look for a nurse to push my wheelchair when I grow old , just need tp make sure that that page which I am saving now makes it to his Facebook page. And this isn't exactly revenge porn so not illegal unless in future they have a law against all moms who shall post embarrassing pictures of their kids childhood pictures when they grow old. :)

      Delete
  32. Replies
    1. Because I'm used to working really hard every day and I wouldn't know what to do with all of that free time.

      Delete
  33. Your bedbug sores made me gag. I can only imagine how fun that was to work on...eww.

    You do know you're going to be spammed with boob pictures in your inbox, right? You also know that not every boob pic is a good one, right? lol.

    Glad you guys worked out your differences. We'd be miserable without you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Doesn't matter, boob pictures are still boob pictures. To quote Ron White, "Once you've seen one pair of boobs... you kinda wanna see them all."

      Delete
  34. I was wondering where that was going! I felt like a dumbass when I got to the end. Or maybe the post wasn't a metaphor for the govt' shenanigans?
    Who cares, funny is funny. All I did today was work 10 hours building firetrucks and then came home to can some more salsa! Super hot this time! I should send you guys some and see what kind of cartoons you draw while your mouths are on fire!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dude. Salsa? We love salsa. Way better than bedbugs. Maybe we could do some bartering. Shoot us an email.

      Delete
  35. If you two can figure out how to settle an issue, a bunch of rich people should be able to do the same. I mean, even rich people who aren't intelligent and mature, can hire intelligent and mature people to handle things for them... right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That $175,000 a year salary is barely enough for those poor souls to make ends meet as it is. To ask them to put their own hard earned money toward finding a solution would just be asking too much.

      Delete
  36. YICK-- a coworker just set a urine jar of bedbugs on my desk earlier today. Not the point of this post, but still. MEH.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So is the urine a repellent, or... is it only serving to MAKE THEM STRONGER?

      Delete
  37. This was fantastic. You guys should go out for office.
    Perhaps the president will grant you a pardon for your sexual harassment charges...

    -Sam.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The president can do that? BRB, gonna celebrate with a DUI.

      Delete
  38. You've got my vote if you ever want to run.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Add one of our names as a write-in next time you vote. Do it. You know your vote doesn't actually count anyway!

      Delete
  39. Well it's good to know that someone is less mature than us...too bad they are running the country.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Oh, and nice boner/Boehner reference. He will always be Boner to me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Somehow I feel like congress would get along better if they shared more boner jokes among themselves.

      Delete
  41. God, for a second there I thought this was serious. But then I realized you guys are never, uh, always serious, and the realization of how it's poking fun at the government came when you referenced then. I'm a dunce.
    Seriously though, never shut down, ever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Worry not, we're going to drive this website into the ground until everyone is absolutely sick of us.

      Delete
  42. I sent you guys that bikini picture in private. I didn't think you would ever use it on your blog. I'm mortified!! I would have worn my black swimwear instead!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's okay, it's being advertised as educational, so it's not smut. It's art. Or something like that. Either way, boobs.

      Delete
    2. Since you say it that way...okay...

      Delete
  43. Replies
    1. A real man never outgrows his favorite blankie.

      Delete
  44. Cheater! He didn't make that on MsPaint.

    I know a photoshopped piece of art when I see it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It looks so ultra-realistic my wife even tried to kiss it today. She thought it was me. Man, I'm getting way too good at this!

      Delete
  45. 33 cents oh no I have fallen off the band wagon and a partnership for much less what is this world coming too! first time here i'll be back

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you leave and come back there's a re-entry fee. It's for your safety. Or something like that.

      (Hi!)

      Delete
  46. Hey fellas when all else fails, it's easy - Paper Scissors Rock ! - The Present Government Fiscal Meltdown can be fixed in a heartbeat. Or do a Bill Clinton - and pass out the Cigar of Peace. Two easy remedies to chew on - or think about.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The only problem is that rock beats everything. Don't tell me paper covers rock. Rock smashes the shit out of paper and then scrapes up its children for even thinking it could cover rock.

      Delete
  47. Glad you've got it all worked out,. Now, about thse bed bugs... are they real things? Am I about to get REALLY paranoid? xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nothing makes a man feel poor quite like being asked if bedbugs really exist. If you have to ask that question, then rest assured, my friend, you have lived a very high quality, pampered life.

      Delete
  48. You had me worried for a minute there-

    ReplyDelete
  49. I got very nervous, then confused, then relieved. I now know what an 'emotional rollercoaster' feels like!

    ReplyDelete
  50. You had me worried for a second. Turns out it was just a political scare tactic to get our gov't back up and running. What's left of our gov't anyways....it's useless!

    ReplyDelete