Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Scariest Halloween Story Ever Told

Being as how today is Halloween, we wanted to celebrate with a scary story. A story so truly horrifying that all who've heard it have been completely paralyzed with fear.



But we were not prepared for the true horror that awaited us...






That's right, when it comes to scares, ghosts and ghouls and demons are nothing. Imagine a world where the popularity vote is truly all that matters and celebrity waste-of-space Kim Kardashian not only runs, but becomes the next president of the United States...

By a landslide.





The only thing Mr. Poopynoodles begs for is belly rubs and butt scratches

...And this, of course, would turn Kanye West into First Lady, where he would abuse what little power he had immensely.




The annual State of the Union address would merely be a yearly Kanye West concert that everyone in America is forced to watch, as the address is typically broadcast on almost every channel on TV. Think about that.

So this Halloween, as your friends tell stories of axe murderers and demons bathing in a lake of fire, just remember that in 2016, when Kim Kardashian is legally old enough to run for president of the United States, the mere possibility of her driving the country into the ground by way of popular and idiotic vote is not that impossible. Tell this story, wait for stunned silence, and then say, "Top that, bitches."

They won't be able to.

Cheers and stay horrified, friends
B&B

Beer: Lagunita's Dogtown Pale Ale
Music: Childish Gambino

P.S. Just another reminder that with this being Halloween, we're offering a week long 30% off discount on the paperback version of our new horror novel The Graveyard Shift. Just copy the coupon code below, and enter that bad boy at checkout to get 30% off. It's smarter than Kanye, it looks better than Kim K's ass, and it's scarier than sitting through an entire episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. So grab it cheap while you can!

Discount code: XTMCD38C



95 comments:

  1. Now I'm crying...
    Wait - it could be worse. Snookie as Attorney General. Lindsay Lohan in charge of National Security. Yeah, now I am scared.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Supreme Court Justice Paris Hilton... the list goes on and on.

      Delete
  2. Well I'm horrified! I think my daughters-in-law is going to be really upset about having to teach my two year old grandbaby girls the new pledge of allegiance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This one's better, though, because it has a 2 minute pan flute solo followed by a freestyle rap of your own choosing. It's good to encourage creativity in young children.

      Delete
  3. LOL I bet she'd get votes too, which is the even scarier part. Have to have lots of shovels handy for all those dogs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I assume the poor people will be employed picking up after the dogs. Wait, would that actually stimulate the economy...?

      Delete
  4. That's pretty scary all right. What's the over/under on Idiocracy comments?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So far no one else. I don't think nearly enough people have seen that movie.

      Delete
  5. Honestly, I think the only people that would vote for her would be the animals that run tabloids. I think they're the only living things that believe that she is still relevant. If she releases another porno, she can consider my vote, but until then, I'm still casting my ballot for that dramatic chipmunk from YouTube.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know, Chocolate Rain makes a very compelling, baritone argument for his political platform.

      Delete
  6. This is actually pretty scary. I think that the popularity vote is already there, it's just that celebrities aren't running. Look at Arnie. Although I've heard he actually did a decent job.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or maybe those who've ever criticized his job as governor have been... Terminated?

      Delete
  7. I think Kim just took it up the butt right before that pic was taken 'cause she looks stunned, and deliriously amused at the same time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Who knows, it may be hard for Kanye to differentiate between holes with all of that ass in the way.

      Delete
  8. I read the wiki on the human centipede and that was too much for me. Almost vommed. Some sick twisted ideas need to stay in people's heads and not be shared with the general public.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I watched it out of morbid curiosity and instantly regretted it. Not scary, not suspenseful, not even interesting. Just some sick fuck who thought, "Gee, what would happen if we sewed three people's digestive tracts to one another and watched that for two fucking hours?"

      Delete
  9. I'm not even American and that's scary to me but she is pretty and I believe there's a Human Centipede 2!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Neither of those statements bring me any form of comfort.

      Delete
  10. twitter is going to explode with lot of hashtags and SpongeBob is going to take lot of avatars
    #NODISRESPECTTOSQUAREPANTS
    #ALLDISRESPECTTOTWITTER
    Sir-mix-it-a-lot sexy back would be new star spangled banner and people shall be jogging in leather pants and Oscar speeches shall be cut short or interuppted by more soldiers of culture and college applications shall include sextape to be mandatory to be eligible for acceptance.
    Magical land sounds like.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never thought we could possibly live in a world where the statement "And the president's sex tape has just been released" is not only something that could happen, but would be greeted by "That's awesome, I'm gonna go download it!"

      Delete
    2. When he proposed the idea of leather jogging I immediately thought of Ross-friends leather pants episode.

      My kid: my esophagus is hurt, my esophagus, my esophagus burns.
      His dad: what? Why?
      My kid: mommy is cooking Indian food and making me eat that and that hurts my esophagus.
      His dad: they why don't you just say its spicy , it's hot or at least my tongue hurts like regular people, instead of esophagus or sarcophagus.

      What do you think? Today he loves "what does fox say" tomorrow he may create literal gems like Kanye? Too embarrassing for me, hopefully I had forgotten English by that time. ( he was three that time, so it was kinda cute, though it portrayed me as a evil woman ms.indianfood with chill powder cans as weapons and targeting all the internal organs.

      Delete
    3. I know adults that love "What does the fox say?" so intelligence-wise, he's not far off from Kanye. Probably well above him by now.

      If you don't want to forget English, check out Pickleope's comment. I'm pretty sure he just taught me some English.

      Delete
  11. I'd like to see Kim and Kanye in a human centipede arrangement. Is there a way to vote this into reality?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Only if some brave soul volunteers to be the front, and to do nothing but eat tacos, burritos, and chili without remorse.

      Delete
  12. The only reason this is scary is because it is within the realm of possibility. Way out in the far reaches of the realm, on an isolated mountain, but still.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Think of just how much money she has to sink into campaign ads and directors that could spin her into a "positive role model." It could definitely happen.

      Delete
  13. I'm so scared I just want to hang myself! You should have never brought this up because now you're just giving dumb Americans ideas....and there are A LOT of dumb Americans!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dumb Americans have always existed in droves. Shit like this only seems to happen when they band together.

      Delete
  14. Ick. The Kardashians. Yet another thing in this world that makes me wonder just how friendly the Martians are. I just might take my chances, so I don't have to be associated with the human race at its worst. Am I implying that the Kardashians are perfect examples of the human race at its worst? I think you know the answer to that question.

    Happy Halloween!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A better idea would be to get the Kardashians, Kanye, Paris Hilton, the entire cast of Jersey Shore, etc, to all board a rocketship and blast THEM off to Mars. Just tell them it's totally habitable right now and they'll be the kings and queens of an entire planet. Then let nature (and an uninhabitable atmosphere) sort things out.

      Delete
  15. It might not be so bad. 72 days in, Kim probably won't find it so great and leave.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ba-ZING! Awesome comment.

      "Gawd, presidenting is SOOO stupid and boring. I'm going back to painting my nails. Just have the butler do it or something."

      Delete
  16. That's terrifying on so many levels. Mostly with 98% of the population becoming purse puppies. *shudder*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some of those dogs are fed better than most humans. I remember reading a story once upon a time ago where a renowned chef was furious because Britney Spears fed her lap dog one of his $600 steaks.

      What I'm saying is that I'd totally ride in some rich white lady's purse all day if it meant I could eat $600 steaks all day.

      Delete
  17. Replies
    1. I hope you enjoyed your tenure as a human. You're going to really enjoy your time as a teacup poodle named Mr. Fluffernutter.

      Delete
  18. Noooooooooooo! I laughed so hard that Kanye West will be the FIRST LADY hahaha, I think the idea of a yearly concert you're forced to watch wouldn't be too bad, the scary thing is that idiot Kardashian having any kind of power, Happy Halloween lads!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A yearly concert? Awesome. A yearly Kanye concert? Gag me with a spoon.

      An example of his "lyrical jeenyus:"

      Have you ever had sex with a pharoah?
      AAAAAA-put the pussy in a sarcophagus
      Now she claimin that I bruise her esophagus


      The Hemingway of rap, this one.

      Delete
  19. Terrifying. I would have to move to a different country.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I regret to inform you that they have stupid people in EVERY country. You can run, but you can never hide.

      Delete
  20. Love your blog! Maybe we could follow each other on bloglovin or GFC? Please leave me a comment or follow me and I will follow you =)

    http://www.facebook.com/pages/Le-Petit-Plastique/473640259360447

    http://lepetitplastique.blogspot.com/

    *Nimli Giveaway Prize Package on my Blog*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I love the sweet irony. A girly fashion blog stopping by a crude, beer-swilling comedy blog where today's post is actually bashing a brainless so-called 'fashion icon.'

      So could you please explain your name? Because I don't quite understand what Lepe Tit Plastique is. Do you make plastic tits for lepers? Because if so, that is SOOO fucking cool, and SUCH a good cause.

      Delete
    2. Will you follow my blog too? My blog needs lovin also.....and I too am into petit plastic tit!

      Maybe I could drop some spam on your blog as well?

      Delete
    3. I have an old blog post called "How to Club a Baby Seal to Death."

      Today, I got spam for a night club in the comments for it that said "I've been doing research on this topic for a long time!"

      I don't know what sort of sick night club it is, researching clubbing baby seals...

      Delete
    4. I thought I was special, but after reading a few other blogs, I see she's posting this same message to OTHER bloggers, too. I was not expecting that!

      ...You WHORE!

      Delete
  21. Replies
    1. She had a good platform but unfortunately it just took way too long to release her sex tape to earn the 'horny college fratboy' vote.

      Delete
  22. Kanye's version of the anthem to the motherfuckin US of A is so Kanye, that motherfucker. I laughed aloud and saluted him and her with a tall finger.
    This one's truly horrifying. Great work.

    Happy Halloween.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm just glad we could actually reach out to him and get him to send us lyrics for this masterpiece, seeing as how not even the two of us combined have enough brainpower to emulate his level of lyrical genius.

      Delete
  23. Almost as scary as putting the stupid majority of a country in charge of it.
    Oh wait, democracy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is why I don't vote, because 1 vote = 1 vote, no matter how stupid you are. I am grossly outweighed by the idiotic.

      Delete
  24. I'm really happy for Kanye and I'll let him finish, but Francis Bellamy wrote the best pledge of allegiance of all time

    OF ALL TIME.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Francis Bellamy - the Taylor Swift of pledge of allegiance writers. Can you hear that? That's the sound of him spinning wildly in his grave.

      Delete
  25. the mere possibility of her driving the country into the ground

    You say that like the last several presidential administrations have not already done their own driving...a Kardashian/Paris Hilton ticket may be an improvement!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As one of those "gross poor people" those two like to spit on, I don't think they'd really be all that different from the rich old white men already running things. Or any dumber, sadly.

      Delete
  26. Your story has me shaking in my slippers!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I loved the new pledge of allegiance - actually... that WAS kinda lyrically geenyus.

    Bryan, what are you drinking? From where I'm sitting (and granted it's a long way from Colorado) it appears to be a bottle of Lagunitas 'Little Sumpin' Ale'... which reminds me, I'm due for some of that myself.

    In about an hour from now, I'm-a go buy some Halloween candy for the brats that'll be coming over here soon, and while I'm out, maybe I'll pick up a six-pack of "Halloween Candy" for my own bad self.

    Man, are you still trying to hawk that 30% Discount Coupon?

    Alright! Alright! I'll use it... when I return with MY "Halloween Candy".

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is indeed Little Sumpin', though being as how it's Halloween and this was a horrifying tale, we probably should have been drinking Coors Light so we could savor that Rocky Mountain snowmelt.

      Oh, and good thinking on that "Halloween candy." I've got plenty of that tonight for when I shut off all the lights, barricade myself indoors, and ignore the few stragglers who ring the bell. You don't want the kind of candy I'm serving, kid.

      Delete
    2. Aww, I guessed wrong.

      I showed this to my brother, Nappy, earlier tonight and told him you would probably reply with one or both of the following remarks:

      "Man, your attention to detail is totally amazing!"

      "Man, you drink way too much beer!"

      Anyway, I guess I'm gonna use that 30% Banana In The Tail Pipe coupon now. I'm sure I will regret it. Either way, you owe me BIG TIME, Bryan... And don't think I won't come to collect on it eventually. (Consider yourself 30% invested in the Mafia. And if we start slicing you apart, you can be sure we will begin with that 0.05% you value most of all!)

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  28. Nope, I can't think of anything scarier than that. Just think about the fact, she could use that recent wedgie picture as her official White House portrait. Just yesterday, Kanye said that Michelle Obama wouldn't be able to rock an outfit like his girl does. I guess it hasn't occurred to him that most of us don't want to rock anything with a boulder of an ass like that. The fact he is comparing himself and Kim to the President and 1st Lady hopefully doesn't mean they are consider running.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How timely! Kanye also went so far as to say that Kim K is more influential than Michelle Obama. If Kim is the future influence of young women, then we're all screwed.

      Kanye says Kim more influential than Michelle Obama

      Delete
  29. The day this comes true, I'm defecting. Nice way to scare the beejesus out of me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They don't have people this stupid in Canada, do they? DO THEY?

      Delete
  30. So you are saying it would be like as if Sarah Palin was running for a major office? Oh dear god the horror!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Come now, don't even suggest such a ridiculous thing.

      Delete
  31. Replies
    1. Hey-yo! Yes, but only if those were black pipes.

      Delete
  32. A wildly inept dipshit, who, thanks to nepotism, stumbles into a position of power with a vapid, even more mind bogglingly stupid spouse, takes power of the largest--albeit tenuous--economy on the planet? Eh, seen it before.
    At least her being a pointless figurehead who is little more than a muppet is more transparent than the latest crop of sociopaths hell bent on achieving vacuous titles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And yet, you know who's an even better muppet in a puppet-run society? An actual muppet.

      Beaker 2016! At least when we're getting bent over it'll be kinda cute.

      MEEP! MEEP MEEP MEEP MEEP!

      Delete
  33. I was 100% terrified. They've already taken over WAY too much of the world. Honestly, I would LOVE to see the temper tantrum they would throw if all at once the world went on "strike" and just stopped giving a shit about them. Oh, that would be the greatest gift ever!

    Also...you had me until "top that.." and then I was lost singing the song from Teen Witch. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If people just stopped paying attention to Kanye and stopped buying his records, I assume he'd just vanish, literally, back into the void from whence he came.

      The mythical 'attention whore celebrity' merely thrives on attention. Once its gone, the creature no longer exists...

      Delete
  34. I'd be so scared that I'd have to move to another country. STAT!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kim and Kanye's reach far exceeds where we have the potential to run...

      Delete
  35. Sweet baby Jesus, that is terrifying. That is worse than seeing Hugh Hefner this morning, dressed as Robin Thicke and his wife dressed as Miley *douche-chills*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. While I'm sure Hugh Hefner looked absolutely vomit inducing, I have no doubt in my mind that his wife looked a million times better than man-body man-face man-hair Miley Cyrus, so... offset?

      Delete
  36. Yeah, I can't really think of much scarier shit - Michele Bachman maybe.

    ReplyDelete
  37. And this is why I'm glad I live in Canada.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is it true that you guys get everywhere by way of moose?

      Delete
  38. Well when ya think about it.....not much worse than what we have now!

    ReplyDelete
  39. That really is the scariest Halloween story I've heard. I still believe that Kanye West is recording a long episode of punk'd, there's no way he's a real person xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The longer it goes on, the more we have to realize that he's just truly that delusionally stupid. He's like Slim Dyson in reverse.

      Delete
  40. blacker than obama
    scarier than yo mama
    hahahaha quite the lyrical geniuses ;')
    reading your blog after a long time <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good to see you around here! Pull up a chair and have a... hot cocoa, I guess? (No alcohol to minors around here, missy)

      Delete
  41. Sadly, this could happen. Thank the gods it takes too much work for her to invest the time and energy to make it a reality. Oh, shit, reality. As in reality television. "Kim runs for prez" I can see it now on VH1 - gah!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And just remember, it's probably not that much work for her. That's why she just pays people to make her look good. She doesn't have to do it herself. Just show up to a few press conferences, wave and smile, and hello presidency!

      Delete
  42. Hahaha this made me laugh so hard and I don't even live there

    ReplyDelete
  43. Stop being legitimately scary, I thought I was gonna laugh, now I'm forced to face reality.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks to the magic of reality TV, I don't think anyone truly knows what "reality" is anymore.

      Delete
  44. It would be fine to have another nu-cu-ler family running the Whitehouse. Kim's already dressing for the occasion, she's got 50% fallout!

    ReplyDelete
  45. Wouldn't be the first time your guys have had a celebrity for President.
    Would be a case of not living in the White house because her mansion is bigger?

    ReplyDelete