Thursday, October 3, 2013

The Casting Call Rejects Club

Hi all and happy Thursday. So do you guys remember how we were going to make a movie? Probably not. That's okay, it's been a while. Well, we haven't forgotten, and we'd been working our asses off on said movie. But unfortunately... it just didn't happen. We wrote a screenplay, we assembled a cast, we got sound and music, and when we got ready to shoot everything some key players backed out, because apparently "making movies is hard." Yes, that's right, making movies takes time, effort, and determination. Who'd have thought, right? So this resulted in a non-homosexual man-divorce.


It also left us starting over from scratch.

We still want to get into film (especially after the success with our contest winning commercial for Mike's Hard Lemonade) so as a start we're in the process of making an original web series that we're going to write/shoot/star in ourselves (still featuring original sound and music by South of France), which you all can look forward to in the near future.

We're doing mostly everything ourselves, but one thing we needed was the female lead. The web series is starring Brandon, Bryan, and a female actress of our choosing as three people who grew up together in the same dinky cowtown trying to make it into the news industry... by shooting the news and making up stories in said cowtown, and simultaneously being terrible at it.

We've recently held a casting call for this lead, and while we had some great and talented ladies show up, we also had some real duds. Some duds that were so laughably bad we had to share them with you today.

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent so our asses don't get sued)

1. Shaniqua

Shaniqua sent us a resume that listed her qualifications as 'gospel singer' and... not much else. We tried to tell her that this wasn't exactly Glee, and she assured us she would be perfect for the part anyway. And yet, there was one small, nitpicky thing she seemed to miss...






She also was a fan of good, clean, wholesome comedy and while we CAN do clean comedy... fuck that. Bob Saget did clean comedy in the 90s and look where he is now.

Exactly.

2. Melanie

Let's not mince words. Melanie is the worst actress we have ever met. When we asked her to read for us, she proceeded to murmur in the style of a kid being forced to read aloud from a text book in class - completely monotone and emotionless. We asked her to read a happy scene - you know, for a comedy - and she showed all the emotional range of a dead fish.




Were you as mesmerized as we were? Magical, right?

Needless to say, we aren't looking for Oscar caliber performances, but Melanie's reading was Grade A 1st Grade Musical and left us both asking, "What the fuck did we just watch?"

Melanie... don't quit your day job.

3. Brittany, aka Miss West Virginia

Brittany sent us a resume with the qualification of "Winner of Ms. West Virginia, 2003." Seriously. Which is a pretty big achievement, but not something that means squat to the two of us, especially since she couldn't act her way out of a paper bag. She also seemed quite surprised that we didn't give a shit about her former status.








Yes, her husband was there to pick her up, and while we joke about him being her grandpa, he looked pretty good for his age... Not a day over dead.

So we had a lot of duds, but thankfully, we found a great actress (and badass ninja stuntwoman) who nailed the role, and we look forward to working with her. And we promise you it's not just one of us in a dress (though we had entertained that idea...). We can release her name after we get everything all finalized.

Stay tuned for further details!

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
B&B

Music: Eluvium
Beer: Upslope Pale Ale

PS Go check out the debate we had with Jewels of According to Jewels over at The Indie Chicks. The topic? Which gender is a better driver. Our answer? Women, clearly.

Gender Wars: Who Rules the Road?

79 comments:

  1. See? You should've stated up front you needed a badass Ninja woman. Because nothing is more awesome than a Ninja. Right? I am right, aren't I? Crap...

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    1. When not acting she's a parkour instructor and competed in the American Ninja Warrior thing they had in Denver recently, so she's a real life ninja. Which is both badass and a little scary. She's going to make for a great addition to our show.

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  2. "he looked pretty good for his age... Not a day over dead" <---- Great line!

    This sounds like it's going to be a fun adventure. You set the bar pretty high with the Mike's commercial so the pressure's on for you two. I can only imagine how hard it was to sit with a straight face during some of those casting calls. I don't know if could have done it. I'm glad you found someone. A ninja chick at that!

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    1. We burst out into laughter the second "Melanie" left. She was so bad I almost wish we could release her name as a warning to anyone considering hiring her. Nothing we could have ever drawn would do her justice. She truly is the worst actress ever.

      Also, I thought the Mike's commercial was setting the bar pretty low, seeing as how we only had an hour to shoot it and didn't edit it for shit. :)

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  3. Thanks for the laugh this morning guys! And I hadn't seen your commercial! Thanks for sharing that, too. I'll be back to blogging and reading blogs regularly, eventually!

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    1. I think Mr. Eva recovering takes a bit of precedence, so... completely understandable.

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  4. How exciting for you guys! Can't wait to see the first ep!

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    1. We just hope it doesn't suck!

      (Aim high, kids!)

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  5. The Hubby and I watch a lot of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and I think I've seen some of those actresses before. And yeah, they sucked balls.

    I hope you get this deal finalized and wishing you the best!

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    1. I'm just amazed how many people showed up that were truly terrible. Like, if the two of us can say that we're much better actors than you, that's saying something.

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  6. Best of luck of with web series! I would be careful with the ninja woman. She sounds awesome but if you happen to piss her off you might lose more than your dog.

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    1. It's cool, I'll just run her down with my car. There's no ninja move to escape a 2 ton automobile barreling toward you at 100 mph.

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  7. Leave grandpa alone, he's been dating 30 year olds for 50 years now.

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    1. "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

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  8. Miss West Virginia 2003?
    That could have been great, but you should have gone for that Miss South Carolina that talked about the "maps such as."
    I'd watch THAT web series.
    Because a ninja? That sort of thing might fly up there in your artsy-fartsy Colorado, but down here in Texas?

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    1. Crap, we're already losing the Texas demographic. What if she was a cowboy instead of a ninja?

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  9. Well you know if you want to look really good, the sucky actresses could put you guys in oscar contention haha hope this one works out, sure it will be great. As always if you want something done right, have to do it yourself.

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    1. True that Pat Hatt (triple rhyme threat - BOOM). Apparently it's hard to find people as determined to see a big project through as we are, so we're just doing it ourselves.

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  10. Sorry to hear that Slim Dyson's screen debut has gone bust, but best of luck with your web series! And don't discount the idea of one of you in drag. It's gold, comedy gold, my friends.

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    1. If we can get our feet wet with this web series Slim may one day rise again. And we haven't discounted that idea. Not in the slightest. Sadly.

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  11. A ninja stunt woman? So I'd say it's safe to assume that you're going to have a webisode dedicated to the Power Rangers? Awesome! I can't wait to see it!

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    1. We weren't... but we might now. We actually plan to utilize her skills, which should be a lot of fun.

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  12. Look at you two you've gone all Hollywood, looking forward to this ninja woman!

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  13. "where the lord split you" Why have I never heard this before this is great.

    Being a Miss is great and all but if often doesn't mean shit. As long as you can attention whore your way through you're pretty much golden. Acting isn't like that though, but neither is it the boring keep-low thing with no pep either.

    Did you end up finding someone good?

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    1. We gave her a fair and honest chance and she just was really not good. Too many years of relying on her looks, maybe?

      We found someone great. Ninja talk aside, she's a really great actress and was our first choice for Amelia when Slim was still a-go. She stuck with us and we think everyone's going to like her a lot.

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  14. It sucks people pulled out and you couldn't get that movie made. This new series sounds pretty good though and the auditions did provide some amusing material. At first I wondered why you didn't try and rope in one of your significant other's to do it then I read that the role was for a sister.

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    1. Neither of our significant others are actresses or have any desire to follow our descent into madness (aka film), and... we totally respect them for that. I don't think I could work with my lady all day, especially if one of us has to 'direct' her. That just sounds like a recipe for fighting.

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  15. The name Shaniqua didn't clue you guys in? LOL

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    1. As said, names were changed for the sake of not being sued, so, uh... her real name came across as being much whiter initially. Yay for subtle racism in comments!

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  16. Sorry to hear about the non-homosexual, man-divorce that led to your project falling apart. But this new project sounds fun.

    Just a couple of observations though

    Please, don't be guided by anything Bob Saget does as far as career strategies. On the set of Full House he appeared wholesome but his standup comedy is described by words like "filthy, raunchy, and crude." Which wouldn't be a bad thing I guess if it meant anyone actually wanted to see his act.

    You probably have confused Miss West Virginia. Up until now probably the offer of a BJ was the guaranteed-to-work strategy to get everything she wants. She is probably scrambling to figure out why it didn't work in this instance.



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    1. I've heard much the same about Saget's new act, and yet... I still have no desire to check it out. Not that I'm in any hurry to watch anything starring John Stamos or Dave Coulier either. Call it "The Full House Curse" if you will.

      As for Ms. West Virginia, if she had used those lips to practice her enunciation instead of giving sad old men BJs she might be a better actress.
      /oh snap

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  17. Too bad making movies is too hard for those in the movie making industry. But happy to hear that isn't going to stop you from continuing on - I look forward to seeing you on the big screen... I'll even hook my laptop up to my TV!! :)

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    1. I'll take extra care to wash my face and take care of my skin then. Acne at 1080p on a huge flat screen is NOT a pretty sight...

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  18. All the best for the movie, you guys have real talent and Dr.Mcparty is the sole proof. And congrats on nailing the ninja woman, I remeber seeing a Denver episode and ninja warrior woman 105 pound and girlfriend of another ninja contestant, is she the same woman? She was real pretty .


    On side note, that white woman didn't leave with "I'll be back" and black woman didn't shut the door with "always bet on black"? Maybe I am watching all wrong movies to learn American culture. Hmmm.

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    1. Haha, careful with your wording. We definitely didn't "nail" her.

      Also, I don't know how much she weighs or her relationship status, but I can always ask her next time we see her. "Hey, do you weigh 105 lbs? My blog friend thought she might have seen you."

      I don't see how this can fail.

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    2. Ok, ok.. It's only time, first she nails audition and one of you nails her. And my icebreaker pickup lines could help. :)

      And about that black woman as Brandon's sister, you haven't watched much ado about nothing with that whistle teeth guy Denzel Washington? Good that Shakesphere is dead

      Subtle racism, neicht no way just like your post at indie chicks is sexist ..


      Just kidding :)

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  19. If she doesn't work out, let me know. I'll don a dress and play Donna for ya. (Hell, ain't nuttin' else good goin' on in my life these days.)

    >>... especially since she couldn't act her way out of a paper bag.

    True story. I don't know if I ever told anyone this before or not but... I have one BIG regret from the years I spent working on that TV show. (No, not 'Crap Street Blues'.)

    One day I was walking past this small room on Stage 9 where the cast members would rehearse their lines and work out little bits of business prior to shooting. The stars were all in there, laughing, and as I went by, I overheard the very tail end of a story that Harry Morgan was telling the others. I heard him say...

    "He couldn't act his way out of a paper bag. They actually tried it one time; they put him in a big paper bag and he couldn't act his way out of it."

    I started chuckling and for one brief moment I paused and thought about sticking my head in the open door and asking who they were yakking about. But then I decided just to mind my own business and I went on my way.

    To this day, I still remember that moment and I regret like crazy that I didn't stop and ask, because all these decades later I am still intensely curious to know what actor Harry Morgan was criticizing.

    And that's my "big fork and spoon" story of regret.

    Need anyone to play Donna? How about Glen or Glenda?

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. I think I remember you mentioning that Harry Morgan story on your Stuffs blog bit once upon a time ago. It's a big regret, sure, but I don't know if I'd have had the cojones to step in and ask who they were talking about, either.

      Also, we've only got five official cast members so far, so we'd be happy to have Donna. Just don't let the Shamrocks see you like that. I hear those are some real tough guys and they don't tolerate those Ed Wood-style shenanigans.

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  20. Maybe Melanie was going for an Aubrey Plaza kind of thing? I mean, she's funny.

    I was kind of hoping for you guys in dresses. It could be a new Monty Python thing/

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    1. Aubrey Plaza = hilarious.
      Melanie = sad and dead inside.

      We had her read for two parts, just to give the ladies a 'test' on their acting range. One was serious, and one was upbeat and funny. Melanie read both of them in a complete monotone, and read them in such a way that it almost seemed like she didn't understand what she was saying.

      Let's just say that Melanie does not come across, in person, as a very smart woman...

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  21. Sorry the first run fell apart, but I am sure your web series will be a success. The three of you will have a blast.

    My brother directed a short film and got scores of applicants. It's amazing (in a bad way) how tons of women think a sexy shot can get them a legitimate (this being the key word) gig.

    xoRobyn

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    1. Our experience was exactly like your brother's.

      Initial response: "Wow, so many good looking women applied! This is going to be great!"

      Three-quarters into auditions: "Holy shit, can any of these women actually ACT?"

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  22. Hmm..a ninja stunt woman....

    Ninjas were known as invisible warriors....you never saw them coming...

    So if a ninja performs a stunt, can you even capture it on film?

    LC

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    1. You should ask her. She's in the room with you... RIGHT NOW.

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  23. Aw, I was looking forward to that movie (still am if you're not putting down that project). Hope you find some decent actors :P.

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  24. What?!? You didn't hire Melanie? I thought she was a shoo-in, I really did. No I'm sorry I sent her your way. You two clearly have no idea what acting talent is! I'll have you know that she took five whole months worth of acting lessons from none per than Kristen Stewart, and her slightly more spunky coaching partner, known simply as "Piece of Plywood."

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    1. (Ignore all typos. I'm in class right now, and can't go back to fix them...)

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    2. Glad to hear you're at least learning something in class, amirite?

      Also, maybe we need to e-mail Melanie back and tell her, "Sorry, you didn't get the gig, but you are truly the Kristen Stewart of comedy acting." I bet she'd take it as a compliment.

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  25. I'm really glad to hear that after the painstaking process in the end you did find your female lead but can I ask guys, were the three applicants word for word like this? Like the first one especially, is it a joke that she was a black woman who wanted to be part of a wholesome comedy or did that happen because it's incredible that she was so weird about the whole thing, same for the second unenthusiastic actress, you really had some strange ones turn up. I'm just pleased there was a happy end to this post, hearing that the last movie fell at the last hurdle at the start of the post was gutting, I remember reading posts about it on here before and I know you guys put a mammoth amount of effort into the whole thing.

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    1. Sadly, yes, all applicants are 100% true, my friend.

      1. Her only qualification was gospel singer for her church, and her Youtube channel is full of her singing church songs or leading the choir. I honestly think she applied for the gig without even realizing what she was applying for. A lot of applicants are like that in the acting world. They see 'acting gig' and apply without even thinking.

      2. Worst. Actress. Ever. I truly cannot emphasize enough how mind numbingly bad this girl was. She's pretty, so that's probably why she thinks she's an "actress."

      3. Was truly a former Ms. (State) winner. State name and year changed so she can't sue us. She wears a very cheesy pageant smile at all times, is very bad at acting, and is married to a very old (and very rich) man. As mentioned, she was very surprised that we were not impressed with her, and we ended up just having to blow her off after repeated e-mails asking if she could have the part.

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  26. I've always wanted to have a post-beauty pageant lifestyle.

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    1. Who wouldn't want a saggy old man to take care of their every material need?

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  27. That always seems to be the case this day in age. People are all talk and no action. Bet you guys will make a great show

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    1. We certainly hope so, but at the very least we'll have tried!

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  28. Casting call rejects - been there and done that. I have gotta say that I'm really bummed about the Slim Dyson flick. Here's hoping you can get that one off the ground. ROTHLOL (did I get that right - never trust a dumb blonde with text talk) about the post-beauty pageant chick. Yeah, those are some acting credentials for sure. Of course being a female ninja - now THOSE are some acting credentials. Good luck with all of this boys.

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    1. The girl we cast has real acting cred and has been in some indie films, but we have to focus on the ninja thing just because it's so uncommonly badass.

      Also I believe it's ROFLMAO, but you get massive points for trying. I'm also not sure why I know that acronym, and it's a little worrisome...

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  29. Aw, Guys! I wish I had know you were holding auditions! I'm not sure I could beat the ninja gal but it would have been fun to try!

    Glad you found someone, I'm looking forward to the series.

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    1. If you really want to be in the web series and can act better than, say, Melanie, we'd be happy to have you, even if only for a few lines!

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  30. I, uh, don't meant to brag, but I was the voted "most likely to accidentally poop in a bathtub instead of fart" award in my yearbook. Yeah, yeah, I know, dry your undies, I'm allowing YOU the option of hiring ME, the completely unqualified liability.
    But uh, but seriously, how do I apply to attempt to apply for the possibility to maybe get the chance to somehow write a script for you for free?

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    1. Just be a really funny guy who can write well and giggles at fart jokes. Check? Check. Send us an e-mail. It'd be awesome to work with you, even if you just contribute a few jokes.

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  31. I seriously thought all this time that the movie was still being made. I was trying to rush through The Missing Link as quick as I could (I'm just halfway through it..) so I could catch up on Slim and finish it before the movie released. I'm disappointed, but, well, it gives me more time.

    As for this short series thing, that's ALSO something to look forward to. I hope to see some action soon!

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    1. And all this time we were working on it, which was kind of a crushing blow. We're not ruling out making it some day, but right now that's put on hold. Either way, something good is coming soon(ish)!

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  32. I cannot wait to see the series! Bummer about the movie...but I'm sure you'll do it later on.

    My God, I can only imagine your casting calls. I never thought about that aspect of it. I'll have to check in w/a filmmaking friend.

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    1. It sounds fun until the 6th girl walks in and you just want to bang your head against the desk in frustration. But really, it's totally worth it when you find the right actress and you get a good working vibe. Not only that, but I'm honestly amazed how many cool people are willing to work for free, seeing as how we can only pay them in experience/possible exposure.

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  33. I still would have preferred that female role to have been played by one or both of you guys.

    How can you both play the female role? You take turns.

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    1. That's so stupid it's brilliant. I feel like we need to do that for one of our episodes, like she's sick but we can't do the show 'without her.' Full credit would go to you for the idea if we use it.

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  34. Why didn't you tell me about this? I would have totally nailed the role of Brandon's sister! Frankly, I'm sick of being typecast as a man and would relish the challenge.

    By the way, if there's anything I can do to help, just let me know. Anything to get you guys on screen in some capacity

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    1. We may definitely need you, even if just for a sound clip or a quick video. It'd be fun to incorporate some of our blog friends in this. We'll let you know.

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  35. Ha! Funny post. And I didn't know you did and won a commercial. It was brilliant! And I know...cause I used to write TV spots. I also auditioned for...and won...a part in a small film shot in Ohio. It was a riot, as I was used to working way bigger gigs in Detroit.
    You guys are fun!!!!

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    1. Hey, if you ever have any advice to share, let us know. We are definitely not the expert you are!

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  36. I could have totally done this..except for having a german accent, you know I could have been amish or something...and uh no ninja skills. so actually I think I just watch then.

    I am so thrilled that you will do this! All the best!

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    1. We'd love to have a quirky German sister. So if you could drop what you're doing with your life now and move to America so you could help us with a web series that'd be awesome. Thanks.

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  37. Congratulations on winning.

    I had more I was going to say but just after I finished reading the post, my second-youngest got really sad and to cheer him up I took him for a walk, but I had to bring our youngest, too, because I am in charge of ALL THE KIDS, today, and the youngest, Mr Bunches, didn't want to go, but I convinced him to go by threatening to take his new Castle Wizard Tower toy back to the store (I'm not proud) and then we took a walk but I had to carry Mr Bunches on my shoulder the whole way and then I got home and my wifi was slow so I had to keep trying to disconnect and reconnect it to trick Verizon into thinking my hotspot was someone else's so they would stop metering my unlimited Internet usage, and then I had to give Mr F (the second youngest) cheese puffs, all of which made me completely forget what this post was about.

    Um, what?

    PS: I'm really looking forward to the web series, now that I know it's not one of you guys in drag.

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    1. Just because we got a girl for a lead role doesn't mean there won't be any drag. There WILL be drag, and you cannot stop it.

      Where are these cheese puffs that were promised? Or is Mr F. the un-talked about "favorite"?

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  38. Nightmare about people pulling out, but I'm very excited to see the completed web series! I think Shaniqua would give a really exciting new dimension to it... x

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    1. We thought about bringing on Shaniqua in another roll to just troll her, but... not worth having her preach to us for the other 95% of the time we weren't working.

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  39. Looking forward to hearing more on the further adventures of Bryan and Brandon.

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    1. We look forward to sharing them with you, but most of all, we look forward to never actually calling it "The Adventures of Bryan and Brandon."

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  40. I was wondering what was going on with the movie. Good luck with Plan B... and I'm glad you found a good actress instead of the others.

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