Thursday, October 17, 2013

The Aggressive Hobo Spider: Nature's Asshole

So recently the wife and I were tucked in bed, sleeping soundly, when we were attacked by a spider. Or rather, she was attacked by a spider, because when we awoke the next morning she was covered in 5 huge bites on both of her legs, and I was perfectly fine.

Meaning that this spider was apparently racist.


At first, they just looked like regular spider bites.


But as a few hours progressed, they kept getting worse.


The wife was now feeling nauseous, had a fever, and her legs were swelling. Like, her calf blew up to the size of a softball. Like the good husband I am, I consulted Lord Google to see what could have been responsible.


Actually, it sounded like she had a black widow bite, so we rushed her to the urgent care center. There, the doctor told her it actually looked like a brown recluse spider bite, and that there was a possibility that the skin could start to develop necrosis. So if it came to that, we'd just have to bring her back in and do a skin graft. Or, since health care sucks here, saw off her leg and disinfect the wound with Jack Daniels.

Essentially what $200 a month worth of healthcare will buy you, God bless the USA

Thankfully her skin didn't fall off, but the venom did remain in her system for a while, leaving her leg muscles partially paralyzed to the point that she spent most of the week walking like a handicapped person. And I spent most of the week giving her shit for it*.

*Hey, she's fine. I wouldn't do this if she was in pain

Also, the spider that attacked her wasn't a brown recluse, as is often misdiagnosed by doctors. It was an aggressive hobo spider (yes, that's seriously its name). We know this because we caught a baby hobo trying to pry its way inside of our balcony door and looked up its markings. Don't let the name fool you, though, it's every bit as venomous and dangerous as the brown recluse, including that whole paralysis and necrosis thing. Except instead of being a recluse, this one's an aggressive asshole. And he looks like something out of a horror movie.

I'd probably be an asshole if I looked like this, too.
So potato/potatoe. Hobo/recluse. Whatever it was, this didn't solve the whole problem of having one of these guys still roaming around the house. Because somewhere lurking in our room was one mean bastard of a spider, and he'd now had a taste for human flesh.


So we each presented unique solutions of how to deal with this unfortunate problem.




But it turned out it was our cat who saved the day (or at least we think she did). We found her the next day sporting a fat lip, with a small bite mark beneath it. A bite mark that looked exactly like my wife's.

We think that our cat (who, like all cats, loves eating spiders) valiantly avenged her mother in a duel to the death that ended in the spider being eaten.

The following is an overly dramatic interpretation of said events.












...Or, you know, something like that.

Whatever happened, neither of us have been attacked by any more spiders, and as of today the wife's made a full recovery.

hobo spider bite
No, my wife is not obese - this is the kind of swelling/damage a hobo spider bite will cause

The hero's fat lip (don't worry, she's fine now)
Ever had a terrible bite?

Cheers and stay spider-free, folks,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Beer: Lagunita's Little Sumpin' Ale
Music: Du Tonc


114 comments:

  1. Crap, one more spider to worry about! Glad your wife is fine now. Good thing you have a Ninja Cat in the house to protect your from Hobo Spiders. Besides, that might make a great storyline for your next book!

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    1. I can see it now. "Ninja Cat Fights a Hobo." Who WOULDN'T buy that book?

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  2. Wow, I'll never look at spiders the same way again. No wonder some people run and scream. Go kitty avenger. I had on bite me 5,6 times on the ass one night, thankfully it never swelled or got paralyzed though. I guess it took being an asshole literally.

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    1. I guess it could always be worse, right? The leg was bad enough, but if my wife's ass swelled up twice as large I think she'd just sob brokenly and hide in her room for a week.

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  3. Good thing I live in Mass. The most venomous thing in this state is the Boston air. Though, we do have tons of ticks. I got muched on by one a while ago and had to take some vomit-inducing horse tranquilizer.

    You have given me another reason to not stray any farther south than Connecticut. I hate spiders, and I go through extreme measures to eliminate the threat of them. I had to don medieval platemail in order to slay a daddy longleg the other day (But we're talking about spiders, aren't we. Wayohh!).

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    1. The weird thing of this all is that Colorado is not just one big cesspool of spiders. In fact, we live in a 3 floor townhouse and our bedroom is on the 3rd floor. The fact that ANY insect made it to our bedroom is a fluke. Usually only the ground floor has the odd daddy long-legs (completely harmless) or small beetle.

      That hobo made a long, difficult journey to make his assassination attempt...

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  4. So glad we don't get spiders like that in England. *Shudder*
    My kitten is my protector, too. I'd love to believe she has a little sword like that, but I think she just eats them.

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    1. And no matter how many spiders she eats, I still let her lick me and think it's "cute." What the hell is wrong with me?

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  5. Holy moly! Good thing your cat was on the job. You were pretty useless, I must say.

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    1. Wow, you're right, I suck. My sleeping corpse didn't detect the intrusion into our bed, AND I can't eat spiders. Who'd have thought my cat would be more useful around the house than I am? :(

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  6. She is fine meow? I am glad. Holy crap only solution is to burn down the house!

    My mum told me that I got an allergic reaction to some insect bite while we were on holidays (assigned by your trusty GDR government - so this was a rare occasion), the insect bite made me look like I had a second head. My parents were too embarrassed to stay so we left.

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    1. What if it was your siamese twin trying to emerge and the insect bite was just a convenient excuse?

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  7. I'm glad the hobo spider is not even close to being native to my area.

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    1. As a hobo, don't forget that he's only a box car away from you...

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  8. Wow, that was scary! Glad she and the cat are fine!

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  9. What.THE.fuck? I'm not scared of spiders, but it's times like these that make me glad I live in a country where nothing is venomous. We destroyed most of our natural wildlife centuries ago, including most dangerous creatures. We don't even have bears or wolves anymore thanks to the stirling work of our ancestors.

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    1. Not only do we have venomous spiders, but we also have coyotes and wolves, too. Sounds like we need to go on a murderous rampage. This is our safety we're talking about, after all. You guys totally had the right idea.

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  10. I've had some particularly nasty bites but thankfully nothing that's ever caused any swelling. I'm glad to hear the cat is fine. I was worried about the wife, sure, but more worried about the cat. What? She's not my wife.

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    1. I was more worried about the cat too. That's why I'll be sleeping on the couch for the entire week. With the cat.

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  11. Come on man, the poor thing just wanted a place to stay. A roof, for protection against the elements, you know? It can't help that it's a bit clumsy with its fangs as times. It probably tried to say sorry but you weren't paying attention.
    (Good thing everyone made it out alive though, those bites can get way scarier than the things giving them.)

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    1. "I just tripped and fell into your wife's legs with my teeth 5 times. It could happen to anyone, man."

      --The spider to my cat, shortly before it was eaten.

      Delete
  12. Dude!!! I think you know by now that spiders are the bane of my existence. Creepy, crawly bastards. Hate em! Every kind. But that hobo looks like evil incarnate. Your poor wife! Her leg looks awful and it must have been so painful. I'm so sorry she had to suffer like that.

    So, I believe we have established in the past that your cat and mine are twins, but that picture with the little swollen lip is over the top adorable. I absolutely loved the cartoon of the avenging kitty. My furball is the designated spider killer over here as well. After she destroys them she likes to drop their disgusting carcasses at my feet until I praise her profusely for murderizing them. Once she has been satisfactorily praised, then she will stomp on them a couple more times, and only when they are most sincerely dead, she will eat them. (Gross ritual, but quite effective for the removal of something I abhor)

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    1. We have indeed established that ours are twins, but wow. Now I see a key difference. Mine just eats them whole like some kind of awful snack. But your cat sounds like a psychopath.

      Not that I'm judging, of course. I wish that hobo had suffered like that.

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  13. Poor Mel. Good to know that she is good now. This is kinda scary. Are they for sale? Not Mel but the spider and cat? I could use spidey for revenge and the ninja kitty for protection.
    I would really like to see what Katy Anders has to say about this being a tarantula parent and all.
    On lighter note, did Mel try climbing on walls or tried to pull things from top shelf by pressing her palm with middle and ring finger? I would have...

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    1. Unfortunately she did not become Spiderman. She just became Really-Infected-And-Irritable...Man. Which I don't believe is a superpower.

      And hey, pet tarantulas are one thing, but anyone who has a pet hobo spider needs to get a mental evaluation. I trapped the baby hobo (mentioned above in post) beneath a shot glass and it started immediately trying to fight everything in its surroundings. Even as a baby. Which tells me they aren't made assholes, they were BORN assholes.

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  14. Wow, that is definitely one ugly asshole of a spider! Glad nothing too painful/permanent/disfiguring for your wife. Better hold on to that cat - it seems useful. At least now you know your enemy!

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    1. I was going to throw my cat away in the trash but I guess she earned her keep... for another year.

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  15. I would just like to take this moment to say: EEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK!!!!! Blech! So much creepiness!!! Ew. Just...ew. I'm so glad your wife is fully recovered now.

    That is one incredibly badass cat you guys have! Is it weird that that whole reenactment reminded me powerfully of the scene in Lord of the Rings when Samwise Gamgee breaks out in awesome and kills Shelob the enormous spider beast? Nah. Not weird at all. :)

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    1. Further proof that little fat useless things can sometimes rise up and achieve greatness.

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  16. Excellent battle scene. It was like watching Sam battle Shelob in Lord of the RIngs.

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    1. See above (Candice beat you by like 5 minutes).

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    2. Great minds think alike, Christian. :)

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  17. I had brown recluse bites on my chin when I was a kid - just woke up one day with them, swelling, numbness and all. To this day I hate spiders. I have to get the hubby to get rid of them, even the tiny ones. He keeps telling me that they won't eat much, but I don't believe him!

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    1. Have you tried burning everything with sweet, cleansing fire? That usually does the trick.

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  18. Hey, this story sounds familiar and I've even seen that cat around before. Also, my teddy bear takes exception to one of those scenes in the cat vs. spider fight.

    I used to live in Idaho (of course, I used to live everywhere). The place where Hobos spiders originated. YIKES!

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    1. MacCATver's been around this blog a time or two before. Who knew that cat was so damn useful?

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  19. This is such a scary story buddy, makes me glad that I live somewhere where spiders like this aren't too common. At least your wife is on the mend now though and hopefully the spider really has met its end.

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    1. We need one of those signs they have outside of dangerous job sites, "10 days since last accident."

      "8 days since last crippling spider bite."

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  20. Holy crap - glad they're both okay. That's a scary spider story! Yikes.

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  21. I'm glad both your heroines are okay now! This is a real life horror story and you guys did a terrific job telling and illustrating it. I'm going to be extra nice to my cat now. If I had a wife like yours I would be extra nice to her too.

    I thought about The Missing Link when I read the part about you consulting WebMD. Sure proves you are not too far off with the book.

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    1. I'm pretty sure WebMD's only function is to fool you into thinking you have something much, much worse than you really do, especially when the symptoms are so vague.

      "Man, I have fever, a headache, and a sore throat. According to this, I could either have a cold... or AIDS."

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    2. I admit I've never used WebMD and now I probably never will. If I can't self diagnose better than that I need to be in the hospital.

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  22. Funny. And I'm sure you're right about the cat's response. I've had lots of experience with ninja cats as well. But the spider part ... not so accurate. You don't even have hobo spiders in Colorado (and they're hard to identify). You don't have brown recluses, either. The symptoms from a black widow bite would have been very different. Also, there is no "aggressive hobo spider." Its name, Tegenaria agrestis, means "from the fields" (as in the word "agriculture"), not aggressive. The evidence they're medically significant is slim and getting slimmer. People in our part of the world are programmed to blame every mystery lesion on a spider, despite the fact that spiders don't make a habit of biting people and have zero interest in invading our beds. If you didn't see a spider (and people almost never do) it probably wasn't a spider. Lots and lots of other bad things cause those bites, including good ol' S. aureus, the bacteria that causes symptoms just as you described. Myself, I blame the tribe of TICs, or Tiny Invisible Chihuahuas, for the many skin irritations people report. It makes sense.

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    1. Thanks for your expert opinion. Let's dissect some things.

      1) The hobo spider is also called the aggressive house spider. Whether that's right or not (misinterpreted Latin) doesn't make it any less a name. Plus it sounds funny. You know this is a comedy website, right?

      2) My wife is going into the medical field. She knows a staph infection (or Staphylococcus aureus, as you will) when she sees one. This wasn't a staph infection. There was no blistering, no pus, and each bite very clearly had a very tiny puncture mark. Plus, staph infections don't cause muscle cramping and numbness. She couldn't walk for 2 days.

      3) The local HOA recently sprayed our bushes for spiders, and that's why the spiders are invading my house. Because they have nowhere else to go. It wasn't mentioned in the post because it was already long enough as it was, but that's why we have spiders, and that's why it doesn't seem so weird that a spider would try to seek refuge in an odd place like our bed, out of panic.

      It's more likely than those chihuahuas, anyhow (I have one. He's harmless). So if you have any other suggestions (that are plausible), I'm all ears. I'd be happy to know if it's something else. But just keep in mind that I'm not a dumbass, I know what a staph infection is, and I can use big words, too (sesquipedalian).

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    2. I, however, thought a staph infection was when all of a company's employees get sick at the same time.

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    3. Sorry you took it so hard, chum. Lord knows, you’re right about humor sites. Accuracy and humor are natural enemies. You can see that in all the British newspapers that are screaming about flesh-eating, tooth-rotting, granny-biting Steatoda spiders. The accounts are both entirely inaccurate and strangely hilarious.

      Misunderstandings about spiders know no bounds: big words, small words, humorous words, Latin words … all the same. An especially timely one is that “spiders come in from the cold” or for some other reason. People always believe that one this time of year. How would a spider know that the bushes were about to be sprayed, and that it’s time to burglarize a nearby house, anyway? If there was spraying, it’d be dead. Plus, if it was that smart it would know about your ninja cat. Pesticide spraying also kills insects (aka spider food), so spraying = less of everything that scuttles and crawls. Here’s the autumn myth:

      http://www.burkemuseum.org/spidermyth/myths/comein.html

      Not even health care professionals are immune – and if it was a doctor or nurse who blamed a hobo spider, or an “aggressive house spider” (this is the actual mistaken nickname, not “aggressive hobo spider”), for these bites, then he or she didn’t do his or her homework. Again: they don’t live around you. They’re hard to identify and easily confused with many common spiders. Brown recluses (thankfully), again, you’re off the hook.

      Here’s a good rundown. http://spiders.ucr.edu/necrotic.html

      Oops, one more thing about the brown recluse in Colorado. The Denver Museum of Nature and Science has a single specimen of L. reclusa captured in your state. It’s probably dead. I wouldn’t worry about it.

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    4. Bryan,
      two things before you respond.
      1. Link Charlie bit my finger video
      2. change your name to Harry
      3. Replace all scientific terms with Ikea furniture names or mathematician name.(I can handle math than long prose of science and facts)
      4.can anyone other than defend spiders to this extent other than Spiderman - if so, I have a question.
      Mr.charles why spidey isn't part of Avengers superheroes they have a Thor a god

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    5. No worries, I didn't take anything hard. Just had to correct some things and help you understand the situation better, which includes that I'm not a dumbass. I think that's worth knowing in any proper conversation.

      I certainly know it wasn't a brown recluse. I never once claimed it was. Only you seem to really be hammering away at that. But hey, it's all in good fun, chum. We can go check on that Loxosceles reclusa in the museum together if you want. We can ride in my Fordiculus Taurusoplyma, and we can eat C. Saltandvinegara Chipsus for lunch. I'm all about the scientific name dropping.

      Also, I appreciate the link that's completely irrelevant to everything you said about the spider coming in due to poison. I don't think that spiders come in during the cold. If they did, I'd be ready with hot cocoa and mittens. And apparently poison didn't kill all of them. I've lived here for 4 years. We almost barely have spiders inside the house (a few a year). Literally the very day that the bushes were sprayed, spiders were coming in. I've counted 5 in the past week, and that's just what I've seen with my own eyes. That's just a coincidence?

      Also, aggressive house spider + hobo spider = aggressive hobo spider. It's funny, right? I bet you're a blast at parties, dude. Tell the one about the rabbi and Brachypelma smithi walking into a bar together!

      Lastly, do you have any REAL solutions other than tiny chihuahuas and staph infections? I mean that seriously. Because what I'm asking is "okay so what bit my wife?" but what I'm getting in reply is "here's a bunch of facts about brown recluse spiders that are irrelevant." Oh, I'm sorry, I mean "L. reclusa." Because according to that article you posted, which is 10 years old by the way, my wife has a staph infection or lymphoma or herpes. Jesus, is that WebMD 2.0? Where's the AIDS diagnosis, too? Or is it cancer she has?

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    6. MaMTC - after further reevaluation I'm pretty sure what bit my wife was RIKTIG ÖGLA or possibly ÖDMJUK SMÖRBOLL. I'll let you know after I consult my local Ikea professional.

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    7. This stuff is almost funnier than the original blog post. I mean seriously, tears are running down my face, I'm laughing so hard. I'll be back - just in case, he comes back with more 'fun spider facts'.

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    8. I don’t pretend to give medical advice. I only pretend to give spider advice. Unfortunately the Internet is overrun with people who DO give advice on medical care, bugs, and everything else, and their advice is often very pretend. So the only REAL solution I can suggest is don't freak out over spiders. Ask lots of questions of your health pros. Don't diagnose from the Internet. Don't say "I didn't leave the kiddie pool on the lawn, so that circle musta been left by a flying saucer." Or actually, do say that, it's your blog and I'm just passing through.

      Few people ever need to hunt out spider experts, but they do exist. And not just on the fun topics like what to call it (common names don't do you much good), but in the area of medical care, where a poor diagnosis can result in disabilities, wasted time and money, needless anxiety, sometimes even death. Like if you’ve got anthrax, dog forbid, and the doc wastes his time trying to treat you for a spider bite (it can happen: http://www.amednews.com/article/20020805/health/308059999/4/).

      Dr. Sean Bush, quoted in that article, is a great resource. So is Rick Vetter, the reigning spider-information guy in California. Mythbusters got nothin’ on them. Vetter also has a multi-page guide to separating the hobos from the homeboys, in case you want to look at your invaders more closely. And multiple things are still causing skin lesions, just as they did 10 or a thousand years ago.

      From Vetter (http://spiders.ucr.edu/necrotic.html):

      "When people hear that there are no recluse spiders in their area, many immediately switch to hobo spiders or yellow sac spiders as their "recluse du jour", but the solid evidence of those spiders being involved is also lacking. People just WANT to blame spiders when there are lots of more probable things that cause necrotic injuries."

      Look waaay up there to where you first posted, and you said quite a bit about brown recluses. Then Dr. Internet sidetracked you into hobo spiders.

      P.S. You DO got yellow sac spiders (Cheiracanthium sp.) in Colorado, just like almost every other state. Go get ‘em, hombre.

      P.P.S. This, on the other hand, is accurate AND humorous:
      http://buzzhootroar.com/a-spider-did-not-bite-you/

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    9. I don't pretend to give medical advice either. If I did, I would have just sawed off my wife's leg and told her to quit her damn whining!

      Don't say "I didn't leave the kiddie pool on the lawn, so that circle musta been left by a flying saucer." Or actually, do say that, it's your blog and I'm just passing through.

      That's close, but I'll give you a little help with this analogy (it's the writer in me). Instead of a circle on the lawn, pretend your lawn got ripped to shreds so badly you needed a landscaper to fix it. Frankly, at this point I don't care whether it's the kiddie pool or a flying saucer, and I know that flying saucers aren't exactly native to this area (OR ARE THEY... DUN DUN DUN) but I just want to know what blew up my damn lawn. Also, kiddie pools DON'T do that. The laser guns of a flying saucer might. So between those two choices, which is more likely?

      Again, I don't claim to know all the answers. But I do know that my wife got bitten by something. We're very clean, healthy people. She doesn't have any diseases or cuts or scrapes that festered into an infection. She went to sleep at 11 PM feeling fine and woke up at 6 AM the next morning with bite marks all over her legs. Bite marks so bad that they swelled up like softballs, gave her a fever, gave her extreme nausea, and left her unable to walk for 2 days. And this, mind you, while a slew of brown spiders that look remarkably like hobo spiders (brown swirls on the abdomen, evenly colored legs with no rings) have been swarming the house. What conclusion would you draw?

      (I know, I'd pin it on the dog, too)

      As for the just passing through comment, do know that you're welcome here any time. I say this with the utmost sincerity because I'm not sure if you can tell when I'm joking or not, but I don't actually dislike you. Everything I say here I say out of jest, and we don't take a lot seriously around here. Life's too short for petty grudges and all of that. So do come back 'round soon, will ya?

      PS That cartoon is hilarious. Thanks for sharing it. But again (at the risk of sounding repetitive), we didn't claim she got bitten by a recluse, and that's definitely not MRSA.

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    10. One more passing through comment and one more analogy. You can't go to theatre to watch inglorious bastards and complain about inaccuracies in fact about holocaust or Hitler's death.
      You can enjoy and appreciate the movie if you watch it as it supposed be, bunch of same skinned guys pretending to be others still getting caught - because even if you look alike, speak in same accent there are still things like custom, tradition, culture etc., which shall be different and get you outed if the hatemonger hates you and wants you dead for any reason or no reason. And especially if you have bunch of dimwits to follow you like a puppy to gas people those are pointed fingers at.

      Dissecting spiders to prove what ?

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  23. What are those crazy things sticking out of its face!?! Are those fangs!?! God dammit I hate spiders. In fact, Spider-Man can piss off!

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    1. Yeah, any creature with fangs that are bigger than its own face is just not okay.

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  24. That thing looks like the aliens from X-O Manowar. The Valiant series. Not the new one. I don't know anything about the new one.

    My younger son has had some occasional issues with some kind of bites since we moved here. Nothing recent, but for a while he was getting big swelling bites all over his body.

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    1. Did it require medical treatment?

      According to my veterinarian*, your son may need to be put down.

      *We don't have very good health care here

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  25. Oh my god. For once I'm glad I live in England, where people scream and run away from flies because that's about as bad as it gets. That photo of the little bugger is terrifying!

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    1. Depending on the fly, it can still be bad. You ever been bitten by a horse fly? Assholes with wings, those things.

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    2. Euuurggghh I just googled horse flies. Why did I do that?!

      Delete
  26. Poor bitten-up wife and kitty. Ouch, that leg of your wife's looks painful. I really do feel bad for her. What a sweet kitty to avenge her family against the nasty spider. When you think of the size of a cat vs. spider venom, I am surprised she didn't get more than a fat lip. As I am a cat lover, that would of had me in tear. Yep, the crazy lady in Kansas would be all out depressed over your cat.

    Seriously, scary though...is their some type of pesticide that would keep spiders from ever getting into your place???? Those little bastards need to die.

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    1. I put some rubber putty sealant on the balcony doors, which had some pretty decent sized cracks in them. As I was working out the other night I watched a gigantic brown spider just waltz right in through one of the cracks. It was horrifying, but thankfully I was doing some boxing on the heavybag, so I just went to the wall and punched it into oblivion.

      (It made me feel like a man)

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  27. See-everyone says dogs are better than cats, but cats kick butt when it comes to poisonous insects!

    I have found a black widow in my garage a couple of times, but never been bitten. I've not seen a scorpion in my 18 years in Arizona....but I have two cats and have been told that they eat scorpions, too.

    LC

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    1. Cats eat scorpions, too? Is there anything these lazy, majestic creatures can't do?

      I've seen a few black widows in this house. The creepiest one followed my wife as it hung on our wall. She walked left, and it walked left with her. She walked right, and then it walked right. She screamed on the spot and demanded I crush it with a flip flop. I did.

      The black widow later died in the hospital. I'm not sure what killed it. It could have been the flip flop, but it also might have been a staph infection. I hear those are going around offices this time of year...

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    2. You know statistics* have shown that 99% of women who get married to men do so for the express purpose of having a designated spider killer.

      *(Statistics may have been exaggerated and/or completely made up.)

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    3. I need to tell my cat about the scorpion thing. He doesn't know he's supposed to kill and eat them.

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    4. Come on now, let's be honest... That number seems a little low.

      It's true, though. What my flip flops lack in fashion or coolness they more than make up for with how many spiders they've murdered.

      "Your Nikes are cool, kid, but these flip flops have taken 124 lives. How many have yours taken? That's what I thought."

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  28. Hobo spiders. See, I actually like spiders here. They sit around eating mosquitoes. I'd flip tables for that nasty bugger.

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    1. I don't hate spiders in general. The good, pest eating spiders that just hang out in my garden and don't mean me any harm?--those guys are welcome any time. The ones that can do the kind of damage you see above, though, I will bathe my entire house in a lake of fire if it means getting rid of them.

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  29. I have a pet spider. She's never bitten me, though.

    This is notable, as other animals - birds, cats, dogs, and even one beta fish - generally LOVE biting me.

    I'm glad they didn't have to saw off your wife's leg. I will say that I've seen a lot of cool prostheses lately, though, so her options would have been promising.

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    1. She could have been the next Oscar Pistorius and been an olympic hero! ... minus the part where she murders me in a locked bathroom, of course.

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  30. No, I never had a horrible bite, but I've seen a lot of ugly assholes. I've gotta say, that one's the ugliest I've seen. It's a good thing you have such a heroic cat.

    xoRobyn

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    1. How my cat actually managed to put that in her mouth is beyond me. Ick!

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  31. Now that's my idea of a super cat! What a hero. Seriously, your wife is lucky. I had a client years ago who go bit by a recluse and ended up in the hospital, got a staph infection and almost had to get amputated. She was in intensive care of weeks. Scary stuff. As for me, I react horrendously to bug bites. You should have seen me after getting swarmed by fire ants. That should be a post I think. Glad you got your wife taken care of right away.

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    1. Call me a sick fuck, but I would kind of like to read this post about you getting swarmed by fire ants (since, you know, you're obviously fine now).

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  32. Look, if you're TRYING to freak me out, MISSION #*#%&$ ACCOMPLISHED. Already I have to live with the knowledge that I'm never more than 3' from a spider -- thanks, SCIENCE, for not figuring out a way to keep 3D Doritos being a thing but for pointing THAT out to me -- and now I have to know that the spider that's lurking behind me is probably an aggressive hobo spider.

    Which fled Colorado after facing an Anduril-wielding cat.

    Aarherarirahrhrhrhrhr.

    That is the sound someone makes when he suddenly realizes that there probably IS a spider behind him and doesn't want to look but can't help it. I actually turned to look because my skin was crawling, and it wasn't there, which means it probably ducked around behind me as I turned. GOD I HATE THIS SPIDER.

    See what you did to me? In retrospect, Tampon Rapist was a far more survivable post.

    (As always, you guys are hilarious. Now I have to go shave my head because I think the spider is in my hair.)

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    1. There are spiders EVERYWHERE in this house. It's like Arachnophobia, except I don't have a cool backpack flamethrower at my disposal. You might get an Anduril-wielding cat of your own.

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  33. Did someone say spider bite ? Oh god, one of worst fears. I hope you wife and your cat are doing well.
    Taking valium now.

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  34. Never much spiders, but I've had a run in or two with rattlesnakes in the past

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    1. That actually sounds more horrific than spider bites...

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  35. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  36. 4-B OLD SOUL ~
    I hesitate to play the part of "Contrarian" after your encounter with Nimium Notitia Gaudium Occidere, but...

    Shouldn't the title of this blog bit have been "The Aggressive Hobo Spider: Nature's OTHER Asshole"?

    Also... I'm sorry that you failed to show us how MacCATver turned a paper clip and a clothes pin into the sword that She used to slay S. aureus right after S. aureus bit her on the lip... or whatever it is that cats have surrounding their mouths.

    Hopefully, your next blog bit will be better and hold up to scientific examination of the Nimium Notitia Gaudium Occidere variety.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    POSTSCRIPT: She! She! She! When will I ever get it through to my mind that MacCATver is a... SHE?!

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    1. Legend has it that MacCATver forged that paper clip/clothes pin sword in a lake of fire to get it strong enough to battle the elusive Staphylococcus aureus. Now if only my disgusting wife would stop letting all of her open wounds (which I assume is from the constant needle use--wimmens and they heroin, I swear) fester away into Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus, then the cat wouldn't have to exert so much of her energy saving our miserable lives.

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    2. Also I never thought I would say this phrase but... you just dropped the Latin. And it was awesome. Thank you for that.

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  37. Holy shit that's horrible! You know that it's bad when the only thing you can say is "well at least it did progress into necrosis." (Though I'm seriously happy that it didn't lead to that and she and the valiant kitty are doing better.

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    1. The doctor: "Sooo... bad news/good news. The bad news: it may turn into necrosis. The good news: it may not! So... there's that?"

      Uh, thanks...?

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  38. I don't know what the most horrific part of this story is:
    1. There was a spider in bed with you
    2. IT WAS ON YOUR WIFE
    3. SHE ALMOST DIED OF SPIDER POISONING

    Horrible. But i'm adding this to my very long list of reasons I need a cat.

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    1. Definitely get a cat. We have four dogs and ALL of them are terrified of spiders. Apparently only the (female) cat has balls in this house.

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  39. ...WHY DID YOU DO THIS?

    I AM MOVING, IN ONE MONTH, TO A PLACE THAT HAS HOBO SPIDERS, BLACK WIDOWS, AND BROWN RECLUSES. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO UNSEE THAT AND I MAY HAVE TO FACE ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

    Give me your hero cat. It's the only way I'll feel safe.

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    1. Just plastic wrap EVERYTHING. Including yourself when you go to bed. Also, keep a blow torch handy. Or flame thrower. Rocket launches are good too. Spiders don't like fire/explosions.

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  40. Everything in Australia kills you. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.
    *Constantly looking over shoulder; not paranoid, just Aussie*

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    1. And even the cute animals are deadly.

      "Awww, hi little tasmanian devil. You don't look dangerous at all!"
      *MAULED*

      "Awww, hi little wombat. You're a cute little bugger, aren't you?"
      *RIPPED TO SHREDS*

      And don't even get me started on the razor-sharp teeth of the asshole koala... that scientists have found have CHLAMYDIA.

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  41. Oh my god that swelling is terrifying. Actually this whole story is terrifying, I'll be sleeping with one eye open tonight x

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  42. I once had to throw a hobo out of my apartment for biting me...but I don't actually think it was the same kind.

    On a more relevant note I did get bit by a brown recluse once. I just kept taking benedril, that wasn't the best idea ever.

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    1. Don't tell that to our new friend Charles. He might call you a damn dirty liar.

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  43. You know I'm an avid dog lover but I have to admit, when it comes to killing spiders, my dogs are useless. They sniff it and walk away. I'm sure that just pisses off the spider causing it to plot my demise. Maybe I need to consider getting a cat after all.

    By the way, I could have done without the real picture of the spider. It's ruined my day. I hate them. Very much. I also had to look up hobo spiders to make sure they weren't in my area. Thankfully, the east coast is clear....for now.

    (aaahhh, I keep feeling like spiders are dropping on my head)

    ~Glad to hear your wife is doing better!

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  44. Aww good kitty!!!

    That is the best name I have ever heard. We don't get those spiders here, just the recluses. I almost grabbed one last week on my way into my house. He seems to enjoy the doorknob.

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  45. You gents change my mind about SO many things, I used to think spiders were GOOD because they eat mosquitos. I used to think cats were EVIL because they're assholes. I used to think assholes were BAD, but they make me laugh. It's good though, I need to broaden my horizons. I hope all of your spouses limbs are at a normal (for her) size and shape again.
    Thanks for making me think about things. Someone has to.

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  46. Whoa! So glad she/cat/you are ok. Wow. And although that's awful, be glad it isn't a brown recluse. I had a friend get bitten by one of those and he had to have some of the muscle in his calf removed.

    And - holy shit - that is THE BEST cartoon strip. Ever.

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  47. A benefit to living in Canada, most insects can't survive these conditions and just freeze to death or are much much smaller and less deadly.

    Another reason to stay here.

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  48. Oh my gosh... that's positively terrifying... And totally politically incorrect.
    How dare you, hobo spider... How dare you.

    *hears rustles next to her* Oh shit.

    -Sam.

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  49. Good kitty!
    The most my cat will do is bite the legs off crickets and leave them alive and helpless.
    We have brown recluse and I think hobos though I have never seen a hobo spider.

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  50. And you Americans think we have scary spiders here in Aus. Ugh, that one is nightmare stuff.
    I love that you have a ninja cat. Any chance I could borrow her, my cat needs a little help dealing with a small yappy dog

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  51. WTF? I found myself picking my feet up off the floor as I read this! Did I ever tell you about the spider that I seen in my shed? It was so big I almost called 911. Glad chee iz goood!

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  52. Scary story. I will be checking my house closely for those mean bastards. I HATE spiders and snakes....

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  53. Hysterical. I mean LOL (and I despise that acronym) funny. Spiders favor women I think because I get them occassionaly and the bf gets nothing, or he just doesn't notice. The interpretation of events is the best thign I've ever seen. And a kitty with a fat lip is pretty comical. Glad everyone is okay though.

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    1. Also, I google imaged that spider... nhfishfknjsfiohf

      I couldn't click away fast enough.

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  54. Holy crap, I'm so freaked out! Not that I am afraid of spiders, but I just can't stop imagining how bad it could have been, like if she had been bitten in the face or something, and also worrying about your pets! I can't believe it didn't kill your cat! Sheesh. I'm not a fan of killing insects, but in this case (and in the case of mosquitos and all centipedes) it is completely necessary.

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  55. A little late to the party on this one but I wanted to ante in here. I was born and spent 24 years growing up in CO (Evergreen, I am sure you boys know where that is) so I know my home state pretty well and, contrary to what Charles said, there is more than only a single specimen of Loxoceles that has been found in CO. But I agree, that is not what bit your wife. Not that you ever said it was.

    If you are looking for a bite candidate my money is on one of the many wolf spider species we have there or on Dysdera. Both of these will commonly bite when they feel threatened and having a leg press down on you while trapped in bed sheets could certainly count as "threatening". Additionally, the venom from both of these is considered to be "not medically significant" which is not to say that they are not venomous at all just that for most people the venom does not pose any threat. However, there are certainly some people who do react poorly to the venom from these spiders, and I would guess your wife to be one of them.

    So, there is my more logical explanation for you. Take it, leave it, I do not care one way or the other.


    And since I am here I will also take the time to just say thanks. While I do not miss the Californication that has occurred in Evergreen I do miss CO a bit since I moved the the East Coast. You blog lets me have some vicarious CO activity

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    1. Thank you, truly! This was great to read, and I'm actually just happy to hear a layman's terms explanation of 'not medically significant.' In all of my research, I didn't see anything that explained this term in detail when labeling a spider as such, and so I figured something like the wolf spider/Dysdera/what have you couldn't have posed a threat if it was not 'medically significant.' What you said about a poor reaction makes complete sense. The crappiest thing about all of this, of course, is that without an actual spider corpse we're just all left to guessing. Call it morbid curiosity, but no matter what it is, even a wolf spider or Dysdera, I'm just curious what did that to her.

      So thank you for helping us out, probably more so than anyone else who's chimed in. We always appreciate when people can lend a hand with this kind of thing, especially when they can do it without being a jerk. So thanks again, T.H.W, and cheers! You ever stop by Colorado again, the beer's on us. Here in Denver, though, the Californication fad is gone. Now it's all hipsterization. So pick your poison, right?

      (That was a venomous spider joke. Maybe)

      -Bryan

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  56. Forget burning the hair ties, I would have voted for burning down the entire house. And, please, next time post a "graphic image" warning. That hobo was seriously scary. Glad your wife is ok. I'm going to try to go sleep and not have nightmares now...

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