Meaning that this spider was apparently racist.
At first, they just looked like regular spider bites.
But as a few hours progressed, they kept getting worse.
The wife was now feeling nauseous, had a fever, and her legs were swelling. Like, her calf blew up to the size of a softball. Like the good husband I am, I consulted Lord Google to see what could have been responsible.
Actually, it sounded like she had a black widow bite, so we rushed her to the urgent care center. There, the doctor told her it actually looked like a brown recluse spider bite, and that there was a possibility that the skin could start to develop necrosis. So if it came to that, we'd just have to bring her back in and do a skin graft. Or, since health care sucks here, saw off her leg and disinfect the wound with Jack Daniels.
|Essentially what $200 a month worth of healthcare will buy you, God bless the USA|
Thankfully her skin didn't fall off, but the venom did remain in her system for a while, leaving her leg muscles partially paralyzed to the point that she spent most of the week walking like a handicapped person. And I spent most of the week giving her shit for it*.
*Hey, she's fine. I wouldn't do this if she was in pain
Also, the spider that attacked her wasn't a brown recluse, as is often misdiagnosed by doctors. It was an aggressive hobo spider (yes, that's seriously its name). We know this because we caught a baby hobo trying to pry its way inside of our balcony door and looked up its markings. Don't let the name fool you, though, it's every bit as venomous and dangerous as the brown recluse, including that whole paralysis and necrosis thing. Except instead of being a recluse, this one's an aggressive asshole. And he looks like something out of a horror movie.
|I'd probably be an asshole if I looked like this, too.|
So we each presented unique solutions of how to deal with this unfortunate problem.
But it turned out it was our cat who saved the day (or at least we think she did). We found her the next day sporting a fat lip, with a small bite mark beneath it. A bite mark that looked exactly like my wife's.
We think that our cat (who, like all cats, loves eating spiders) valiantly avenged her mother in a duel to the death that ended in the spider being eaten.
The following is an overly dramatic interpretation of said events.
...Or, you know, something like that.
Whatever happened, neither of us have been attacked by any more spiders, and as of today the wife's made a full recovery.
|No, my wife is not obese - this is the kind of swelling/damage a hobo spider bite will cause|
|The hero's fat lip (don't worry, she's fine now)|
Cheers and stay spider-free, folks,
Bryan (and Brandon)
Beer: Lagunita's Little Sumpin' Ale
Music: Du Tonc