Thursday, October 24, 2013

How Not to Be an IT Guy

If you read Monday's post, then you know that my laptop essploded and I couldn't create any purdy pictures for our blog. Well, with a little help from my useless IT degree and a little bit of consulting Lord Google, I was actually able to repair my laptop and get it running again. Suddenly my $40,000 in school loans is totally worth it!

So as some of you may or may not know, I used to be an IT guy. I was once the very person I hate... this guy.


That career path is long behind me, but it's still funny to see that even if computers have changed drastically over the past 10 years, people have not. Users still haven't found the elusive "Any" key. They also haven't learned not to surf porn at work and riddle their machine with viruses. The phrase 'Have you tried turning it off and on again?' still fixes 95% of issues.

IT people haven't changed much, either. So today I'm going to tell you how not to be an IT guy (or gal). That's right, it's easy to be an IT guy. All you have to do is have an intermediate knowledge of how computers work and a basic understanding of operating systems. But working with people who don't understand those things? That's an entirely different ballgame. As someone who was (mostly) beloved at his former offices, these are my 3 golden rules on how not to be an IT guy.

1. Don't speak like a robot

Let's say I don't know much about computers and I have a printer issue. I need to get my laptop to connect to my wireless printer. What I don't need, however, is an endless list of technical jargon that makes me feel like a special needs kid hearing about quantum physics.



Yes, Norbert answered my question, but he answered it like a robot would. And while the reply he gets will probably be something like this...


...what your average computer user is feeling right now is something like this.


Users appreciate it when you explain things in layman's terms, just as much as they appreciate not feeling like they just hobbled off the short bus. You don't have to speak like a caveman, but no user wants to be hit with a barrage of tech words that sound like they came out of a science fiction movie.

2. Don't act like a know-it-all

Some IT guys like to act like they know the answer to absolutely everything even remotely related to a computer. But let me let you in on a little IT secret: we don't know all of the answers. Technology is ever-changing, users are finding more and more creative ways to fuck up their systems, and no one's truly seen every problem out there. So what happens when we don't know the answer? We hit up "The Google" just like everybody else, we find an answer, and we try it out to see if it works or not.


Yeah, that's right, puns, bitch!

3. Don't be a dick

Some might see this as 1 and 2 combined. Others might see this as 'no shit, Sherlock.' Either way, it's something I saw way too much when working in IT. Let's say Susie in accounting just brought down the entire Internet by deleting her Internet Explorer icon from the desktop. She already feels like an idiot by not understanding the situation or what she did wrong; the last thing she needs is for you to make her feel like an even bigger idiot.


What she says after you fix her issue will probably be something like this...


But what she's really thinking is this...


Remember, don't be a pretentious dick to someone's face if they don't know as much about computers as you do. Save that for behind their backs. I mean, that's just simple Etiquette 101, bro.

Those of you who've had to deal with IT folk... any other tips?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: Capital Cities
Beer: Red Rocket Ale

PS For those wondering how I fixed my laptop to bring you today's wonderful drawings, I was able to run a disk repair tool on my hard drive and repair a few corrupted sectors, meaning my drive is running for now while I transfer all of its local data to an external drive and order a new HDD...

LOL, JK you guys. All I did was this.


110 comments:

  1. I learned most of those things from dealing with my wife's computer. Fortunately, she still sleeps with me.

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    1. My wife's in IT so she can fix her own computer... Maybe that's why she's not giving it up.

      Delete
  2. You actually fixed your own computer!?! Are you a sorcerer? Oh great Gandalf the 1101011001110010 (I really hope that's a curse word), please do teach us how to be successful in life and as recompense for your greatness, here, take all the pussys. All the pussys be yours, great wizard of computers.
    ~That is, as I have learned, how all IT guys want to be talked to.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "I ran your own virus scan program and selected 'delete all items' once it finished running. Why are you not praising me like the almighty Allah???"

      Delete
  3. Awesome job on the fix and yeah some it can really be dicks. But when you get calls asking where the start button is on the computer, hard not to be a dick lol or at least make fun of them. All else fails yank the plug.

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    1. I guess I just learned patience from dealing with my parents' computer issues. If I can handle those without mentally snapping ("I turned on my computer but it's not working!" - only turned on the monitor) then I can handle pretty much anyone.

      Delete
  4. I told some lady on the train how to get rid of a virus by doing a system restore. She came back the next day with $50 in gift cards for me. She wasn't even propositioning me, either!

    In other news, my office's IT department is virtually nonexistant. I usually wind up calling external sources to solves issues regarding any one of the millions of programs I have installed on my 50 year old desktop. My IT department isn't condescending or mean; they just don't know what a computer is.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. If you've seen the prices Geek Squad charge to do a simple virus removal, that woman was still getting off easy. I may be retired from IT, but I'd consider coming back if I could drive out to someone's house, run Malwarebytes for 15 minutes, and then say, "Okay, there you go, fixed your system. That'll be $175, please."

      Delete
  5. The worst are the ones that give you sarcastic answers! And it's not limited to IT guys. What about those quickie mart clerks? Well, and customers too - I've seen them on both sides of the counter.

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    1. I think what you're saying is everybody is an asshole. And I do not disagree with you one bit.

      Delete
  6. Keymo! I see whatya did there. You don't want to know what an amazing goddess my clients thought I was for introducing them to "Last Known Good." I didn't diagnose a damn thing.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. They'd like you even better if you introduced them to "Last Known Great." Go the extra mile, Joy. Your clients will appreciate it.

      Delete
  7. When your computer acts like a slug, always try to unplug. If that doesn't work, get out your best push up bra and try like hell to look like Susie for the IT guy. Even nerds respond to boobs.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Boobs: the anti-smugness device. Brilliant! No wonder I can never get anyone in IT to not be a dick to me.

      Delete
  8. Have you thought about installing an SSD and just have all the other stuff on an external HDD? Or maybe you can install an extra HDD?

    I am an IT gal...I need to get out more.

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    1. I save everything to the cloud; I just basically need a drive to run an OS. I was thinking of just grabbing an extra cheap HDD to have as a backup but an SSD would definitely fill that hole (gutter joke completely intended).

      Yay for IT gals! The world needs more of 'em!

      Delete
  9. That special picture of you with the crash helmet on is hilarious. I might print it off and frame it, as soon as Norbie sorts out my fucking calculator!

    As an IT servicedesk monkey myself I understand this. You have to strike a balance between techie speak and sounding like a patronising arsehole, and many IT guys get it so wrong.

    I'd like to think I get that balance right, but it's difficult when you get a user who, when asked to "click on the icon in the top corner of your screen", literally picks up the mouse and places it on the top right corner of the monitor.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I once told my mom to right-click on the desktop, and took ten full minutes (over the phone) to realize she was merely clicking on her desk. As in, the desk she was sitting at.

      Delete
  10. I have 3 IT people. One is awesome and funny and I adore him, one is a Norbert clone. The third is the manager of the other two so I don't deal much with her. Until yesterday when I was suppose to bring my virus infected (and no not from porn) computer in to be fixed and pick up a different one, only I forgot it. My field office is 200 miles away from the IT people. I'm seeing people on the 4th so I thought I'd just get it then. She sent me a pretty long email, not hateful just stern sounding. I'm scared now

    ReplyDelete
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    1. If it's virus infected, just run the antimalware program you have installed and take care of it yourself. Or hit it with a hammer until you feel the rage melt away. Both of those are good, viable options.

      Delete
  11. Our IT guy is a rather attractive Bulgarian who firmly believes that every computer problem we have is my boss's fault, so we're good. :D

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    1. Tip #4: Shift blame to anyone else but the user in an effort to butter them up. Solid gold.

      Delete
  12. So glad your computer is fixed and you can draw your purdy pictures again. I love the IT you stereotype. It looks exactly like the guy that does the IT work at my former real estate broker's office.

    Out of all the IT types, I hate the robotic one. The nerdy type that tries to talk like he knows everything that the rest of us morons couldn't possibly know.



    ReplyDelete
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    1. And you know that that's the same kind of guy who gets insulted when he takes his car to the mechanic and the mechanic says something like, "I hooked up my scanner to your OBD2 port and found a code T151 that says your IAC is malfunctioning. Probably just needs a good cleaning. Very easy stuff, really."

      Robot IT Guy: "What the hell? Why can't he just talk like a regular person?"

      Delete
  13. Haha. Nailed it. I don't speak to customers but have to deal with business team and sometimes we feel like we are from different continents(which is true) and we don't have a common language though both of us speak in English. Forget that when I talk with network team I feel the same way.
    but some of village drunken uncles
    from both side of family think that just because you are in IT you are lord's right angle and you could hack into anything , create and play music, a program to kill - literally kill people.
    And about hardware repair my kids father is the man for the job.
    No wonder we IT guys hate Apple. Apple is use-and-throw toy. There is no point in owning a gadget which you can't reuse or multiuse or repair by yourself.
    I can't speak for all women but today's handy men are the IT guys who can fix things around, all electronic electrical gadgets around. They are hunks of computer age, nerds and geeks rule the world and we need more of them. :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I got many thanks as an IT guy, but no one ever called me a dreamy hunk. Maybe I got out of the game WAYYY too early.

      Delete
    2. Hmm.
      I don't know I use to drool over guys who can program and fix computers.
      The way they code if statement and loops and algorithms that would make my heart melt.
      You married an IT chick. Maybe she has a better word for dreamy hunk.

      As long as you aren't an Apple guy you are nerd the world needs. Apple is for those who bought that "I am rich" app. No one is impressed by a guy with golden calculator .

      Delete
    3. As a guy who likes to modify his gadgets, I just hate that you can't do that with Apple. It's all so... babyproofed.

      Also, you should know that I used to program in Basic like a motherfucker. Ifs and loops are nothing new to this super cool guy.

      10 CLS
      20 PRINT "Am I totally awesome?"
      30 INPUT A
      40 IF A = "Yes" THEN GOTO 50 ELSE GOTO 10
      50 PRINT "B-)"

      Delete
    4. Am I totally awesome?
      Yes.B-)
      pretty good. I must say I am amazed. I am a very stylish guy You can sing that song all day. Approved. :)

      Delete
  14. Lord's right hand man I meant. I won't be surprised if they build a temple for google soon.

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    1. And right next to that will be the Apple temple, where mindless followers pay $2500 for a laptop and pray for the resurrection of their lord and savior Steve Jobs...

      Delete
    2. I'll be first in line at the temple =P

      Delete
    3. Even if they stay with blow torch to open their use-and-throw iPad, iPod, MacBook or whatever to sacrifice to resurrect Jobs, they ain't going to see any "flash"

      Delete
  15. I used to have the office next to the IT department and I could hear them talking after they got back from dealing with the Suaie types. They would say things like, "Oh, it's just a pebkac error" or "She's and eye dee ten tee" and would wonder what they were talking about. I finally asked and they filled me in: PEBKAC = Problem exists between keyboard and chair. Eye dee ten tee = ID10T. Great laughs!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I need to remember both of those. Those are great. I guess our IT department was much less subtle.

      Me: "So what was her problem?"
      Surly IT guy: "Her problem's that she's a fucking idiot and she wouldn't know her ass from a hole in the ground."

      We can't all be tactful, I guess.

      Delete
  16. If you can find an IT git in the first place, smooth talking bastards!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Not sure if git is just a misspelled version of 'guy' (very close on the keyboard) or if you actually mean git. I kinda hope it's the latter.

      Delete
  17. These are great tips but they don't need to be used when you are helping your own parents with their computer problems right? Please say right.

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    1. Hey, at work you need to be professional, but no one said you had to be professional to your parents. Yelling at them and making them feel inferior will surely insert your technological dominance over them.

      Delete
  18. I recently battled my wireless printer and lost, so this is hitting close to home for me.

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    1. So... have you tried turning it off and on again...?

      Delete
  19. I'm glad you were able to get the computer fixed. I'm nowhere near an IT guy but I'm a little better than a friend of mine who has what I feel are very simple problems that I never expected people to get. She's also pretty smart though and has messed things up and fixed them herself. Typically I can help if she can't. I always try to be nice and feel that I generally am. I must say though I can't really blame corporate IT guys who end up getting annoyed being bothered with the same thing time and time again.

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    1. I think the problem is people take things so personally. Just remember, Angry IT Guy, without stupid users making the same endless mistakes you wouldn't have a job.

      Delete
  20. When my computer works, I feel like a normal human being. But as soon as anything goes wrong with the innards, I definitely turn into Timmy.

    I think I just named the kid in the red helmet Timmy.

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    1. I think that fits. I'd rather people call him "Timmy" than something like "Retarded Bryan." Hits a little too close to home.

      Delete
  21. "Keymotherapy"! That was awesome!

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    1. Wait, you didn't know about id10t? Even I knew that!

      Delete
    2. Hey now, I may be reasonably intelligent, but I haven't heard of EVERYTHING. Closest I've heard is pen fifteen (you know, PEN15), but that may just be my maturity speaking.

      Delete
  22. You hit the nail on the head with this one. I always feel like I just fell off the short bus when it comes to computer jargon and just about every single IT guy I've ever talked to in the past (except my brother) came off as a pretentious, condescending jerk. I still, however, have to repeatedly remind my brother to "dumb it down" when he talks to me about IT. :)

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    1. When I was an IT guy I wasn't the highest trained, or the best with computers, etc. But every time someone had a problem they specifically asked for me. Why? Because I wasn't a dickbag and because I told them in plain terms what the problem was and how I was fixing it. Simple enough, right?

      Delete
  23. Being an IT person has to simultaneously be the most exasperating AND the most hilarious job on the planet. You get the idiots who bring you the most mundane questions ever like: "How do you work the Google?" And then they argue with you. No matter what you say, they've got some sort of issue with it. "I already TRIED clicking on that eye-con thing, and it didn't work!"

    Oh, and then you have people who are so incredibly clueless, you wonder how they managed to put their shoes on that day: "So, like, what does this 'Fatal Error: Full System Shutdown Imminent' thing mean? All I did was open an email from my African prince fiancé!"

    But then you go back to the Nerdery with all your other IT friends, and laugh your heads off while comparing stories. So, you know, there are perks. :)

    In other news, I take my hat off to you, sir. To you and your mad skills in bringing your computer back from the dead! Now you can use it to write the gripping tale about the dreaded Zombie Computer, that comes out at night to devour the mother boards of all the electronics in the house!

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    1. Exactly, it is hilarious. I never got angry with people. If anything, I'd have to desperately hold in my laughter while they told me that all of these porn popups that wouldn't stop appearing just magically started coming up while they were inputting an expense report and as an upstanding member of their church they'd never view such material.

      Of course not! I tell you, I hate it when I'm writing a new novel in Microsoft Word and a picture of ginormous breasts just pops up out of nowhere...

      Delete
  24. I don't really care about your computer....but would you mind sending me Susie in accounting's phone number?

    LC

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    1. Pro tip: fix her computer, and you'll be her digital knight in shining armor. I bet you'll get more than just her number.

      Delete
  25. Number one is pretty much Explaining Things 101. And if you do happen to (accidentally or intentionally) use jargon, don't go "that should be clear" or "understandable, right?". You'll have the person not feeling safe admitting they know jack about what you just said, which is the worst thing ever.

    Point two, yeah, Goog- no, DuckDuckGo is the friend. Tech Support folk would be out of a job if people knew how to use a search engine themselves.

    Dealing with people who have less than a percentage of the knowledge on a specific topic you do is always tough. I've had to rip my hair out over questions my mom asked multiple times, BUT I NEVER SHOWED IT. Raging comes later, first help this hot chick Susie get her shit up and running again in a smooth and actually helpful way, maybe try explaining it to her if you're feeling courageous. You'll be a better colleague, friend, possible more for it.
    (Also, that computer guy stereotype. It stings man.)

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    1. This guy gets it! I would have mentioned DuckDuckGo but I didn't want this post to just appeal to tech geeks, so... Google it is. At least I didn't say "we just Bing the answer," right?

      Also, it stings, but sadly that computer guy stereotype is the norm. I know we aren't all that way, though. Regardless...

      I know that feel bro.

      Delete
  26. BRYAN, you're not fooling ANYBODY!
    We know who fixed your computer for ya.

    "I fix this dude's computer for him with a rubber band and a flea collar and all I got was a saucer of milk and this lousy T-shirt that says 'Pretty Fly For An IT Cat'."

    "Keymotherapy"
    "...users are finding more and more creative ways to fuck up their systems"

    HA!-HA!

    Beer: Red Rocket Ale

    Yay! Red Rocket Ale! Top Ten for me.

    I've discovered that Lagunitas DayTime Ale is now available in my local supermarket. Yay, DayTime Ale! I love this beer; it tastes great and is such low ABV that I can drink as much as I want without any concern about drunkenness / hangovers. Hate to say this, but I think maybe it has bumped 'Mirror Pond' off my Top Ten list. (Although 'Mirror Pond' is still the perfect, all-occasion, anytime beer, and the one I'd use to introduce a neophyte to craft beers.)

    These pumpkin beers are all over the place now. Have you ever tried one? I'm thinking about trying one today, if I can find single bottles at Albertson's. Although no way will I splurge for a sixer of something I am almost sure to dislike. But I think perhaps I have just 12 ounces and $1.79 of adventure in me.

    4-B, I've been meaning to aks you... has your 'Edgar Allan Poe-ish' book been published in paperback form yet? I want to get a copy of that, but I don't do the computer downloads thang. I want "real" books where the pages turn and everything like that.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. I'm still having a hard enough time finding Daytime Ale in specialty liquor stores and you have it in your grocery store. Anything that beats Mirror Pond is something I'm curious to try.

      You know, the two of us have both tried various pumpkin beers and neither of us have found a single one we like. I think the problem is that they always make them way too sweet. It's not so much about the slight taste of pumpkin as it is about a sugary, gimmicky pumpkin pie taste. If you find one you like let us know. For now, I kind of think of it as a "girl" beer. Not because I'm being sexist, but because literally the only people we know who enjoy it in our little circle of beer drinkers are women (our women included).

      The book came out in both paperback and e-book, so it's already for sale. BUT... before you go a-buying, it seems you asked at the exact perfect time (small miracles, right?). See, we're actually setting up a week long coupon code for a sort of "Halloween special", since it's a Halloweenie type book. So come back on Monday when we announce it on the blog and we'll give you a link where to buy it in paperback as well as a 30% off coupon for the holiday.

      Delete
    2. >>... So come back on Monday when we announce it on the blog and we'll give you a link where to buy it in paperback as well as a 30% off coupon for the holiday.

      No, no, NO! I ain't falling for the banana in the tail pipe. I'll pay FULL PRICE for it or you can just fuhgeddaboudit!

      Albertson's only had one pumpkin beer I could buy as a single bottle: BLUE MOON: 'Harvest Pumpkin Ale'. Since it was Blue Moon, I figured it would be scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to pumpkin beers, but I bought it anyway.

      At home I looked it up on Beer Advocate and was surprised to find several reviewers saying that they had better and worse pumpkin beers, so apparently Blue Moon's version is middle of the road.

      Really? You mean there are some that are WORSE than this?! It was sweeter than Calvin's 'Frosted Sugar Bombs' and it was only the second time in my life that I "In-Sink-Erator'd" half a beer.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    3. Blue Moon Pumpkin Ale? Man, I wish I'd known that was all that was there for you to try. I would have told you to save your dollar. That's probably the worst I've had of the few pumpkin beers I've tried.

      So, since you couldn't let me save you that dollar (and your tastebuds), how about 30% off that book?

      Delete
    4. Eh... Le'me think on it.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  27. I hate it when it's something simple and rhetorically they comment about that must have been something you missed. I want to be like really dude if I hadn't done everything I knew to do I wouldn't have had to call you.

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    1. If there's one thing I've learned in all of my years in IT, it's that computer errors always have the potential to make us both look stupid. On the other side of things, it's like, "Oh, hey, let me try all of the most complicated solutions first. Hmmm, an hour later and none of those are working. Now let me try the most simple, obvious solution that takes 1 step. That worked instantly. Annnnd I look like an idiot."

      Delete
    2. I hate looking like and idiot and yet it can be so easy to do........

      Delete
  28. I'm not surprised you fixed your computer. I mean, wasn't it you who created an air conditioner from a fan?

    I deal with an IT guy every day. My hubby is in the wonderful world of computers and I have a degree in computer science. You'd think we'd be experts at fixing computers but we have a laptop that continues to taunt us. It refuses to connect to the Internet. Must be because it's the last Windows laptop in the house....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually it was MacCATver that built that fan. She's my MacGuyver like cat, and she fixes household items when not saving my wife's life.

      The last Windows laptop in the house? My God, Steve Jobs has gotten to you, hasn't he? We're too late. She's already brainwashed.

      Droning zombie voice: "The iPhone 5s is sooo much better than the iPhone 5. It's totally worth $600 because Tim Cook says it's worth $600..."

      ;)

      Delete
    2. Your cat is nothing short of amazing. Saving lives, cooling homes, what doesn't she do?

      We also have one Windows desktop left too. "Just in case." In case of what, I don't know.

      I have to laugh about the iPhone 5s. I didn't upgrade because I'm too cheap to buy the different chargers for everything. ha ha When they upgraded the OS on the iPhone, it was like getting a new phone to me. I'm good for a long time! ha ha

      Delete
    3. The wife has an iPhone that just updated to iOS 7. I played around with it and was like, "Oh, nice. So... basically you have Android now, too."

      Delete
  29. I wish all the computer guru dicks would read this. I gave up long ago on trying to get help thru Google. Moreover, they dodged my questions and boycotted me because I wouldn't tolerate their dicktitude. They (always men, the women were helpful) would tell me things like "As I've told you, nothing's wrong with your hyperlink. Quit wasting my time." It's my computer dick-head, I know if somethings wrong here. Or "Gee, how, did that happen? Ferris?" Yes, I admitted that I may have pressed something I wasn't supposed to press. Need you be a sarcastic patronizing blaming dick-head, rather than help solve this problem? Oy vey, sorry. Thanks for the opportunity to fkevtch. I'm glad your problem is solved.

    xoRobyn

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    Replies
    1. I don't even think it's just IT. I think people who diagnose things for a living get like that after a while. If you remember the post from when I wasn't feeling well - the doctor swore there was nothing wrong with me and I was probably just "imagining" it. Uh, I know my body. This shit ain't normal. I once went to a mechanic because I absolutely could not figure out what was wrong with my car. He said it's perfectly fine. Me: Uh, I drive this every day, dude. It's not supposed to act like this.

      TL;DR, long story short: everybody sucks regardless of profession.

      You can fkevtch to this shagetz anytime. Oy.

      Delete
  30. A lot of the IT guys here don't use google. It's funny when I catch something they couldn't because I asked the internet.

    I feel mean for understanding what you went through to fix the computer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, IT repair is no secret. Everyone should learn how to fix their own computer. And any time you have a leg up on the IT guy is a good time. Saying the words, "Well, have you tried this?" and providing a solution that fixes the problem (that he hadn't been trying) is always a hilarious way to piss in their cornflakes for the day.

      Delete
  31. Today, my computer-operated cutter at work went down- froze, actually. Refused to reset. So we did what works 95% of the time, and when it came back up, it said, "Your PC does not have a lock." WTH? So the upshot after an hour and a half of waiting on our IT guy to say, "IDK, call the manufacturer", I get sent home early and told not to come in tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I love how in business the IT guy's job is to make sure the computers run, and there are still situations where he can be like, "I dunno, call the manufacturer or something. Not my job."

      Delete
  32. This post reminds me exactly of this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Z8pgV74_Hw

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    1. I pray that I have never once been that guy. I really do.

      Delete
  33. I'm glad you got it fixed and I totally forget you used to be IT!! What royally pissed me off was when I would have a problem? IT would come to my desk, ask me what I was doing when it happened and I would explain exactly what happened. I was in management and I didn't go to college. That means I probably have common sense! These idiots would look at me and say "no, that couldn't be what happened". Mind you I wasn't one to call for every little hiccup. I have a little wherewithall to check some things first. So don't tell the person that what they were doing couldn't have been what they were doing". Does this make sense? I'm ranting. Time for my Heinie.

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    1. Ha, I hate when people say that to me. "No, you couldn't possibly have done that." You're right. You totally caught me. I'm lying. I was surfing hardcore midget porn, downloading sketchy software, and hitting the hard drive with a hammer. That's what caused this. You're just too smart for me, aren't you?

      Delete
    2. Yeah it seems so hard for people looking at porn on work computers to admit up to the fact they were doing it. I wonder where in their mind it ever occurred to them this wasn't going to come back and bite them in the ass????

      Delete
  34. Replies
    1. The day I pay to have my computer fixed, my car fixed, or any item in my home fixed is the day I hang up my testicles.

      No offense to those who do pay for stuff like that. I'm just a stubborn Ron Swanson type as I get older.

      Delete
  35. A little off topic but every-time I tell my mother anything computer related she ALWAYS doesn't understand my advice and usually has to reconfirm it with someone else. Not a lot a whole lot of trust there.

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    1. My mother believes me about computer things, but she doesn't believe me about car things. Her car will have a problem and I'll tell her, "Oh, it's just your plug wires going bad. I can replace that in an afternoon for free. It's easy stuff." She'll say, "Oh, I don't know, I don't want it to go wrong or have the wrong thing replaced." Then she'll take it to a mechanic.

      Me the next week: "So what ended up being the problem?"
      Her: "He replaced the plug wires. Only charged me $200. What a deal!"

      And then I grit my teeth so hard I get brain cancer. The end.

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  36. We are one of the lucky few businesses that actually has an awesome IT guy! First of all, he's so cute, so that alone wins him points. I used to sit near his desk, and I would crack up how pretty much every woman that would go to him would giggle. Yes, he is that cute. But better than that, he is a completely nice guy and never makes us feel dumb. I ask him the craziest questions and he just stops what he's doing to come help me, never making me feel dumb. I can't tell you how much I adore this guy! I can completely imagine you were much the same at your office. Well done!

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    1. Further proof that being a good IT guy is all about the customer service. You didn't mention a single thing about him fixing computers, but you did mention that he's very friendly, responsive, and down to earth. That's what it's all about.

      And I tried to be like that guy as much as possible, but I didn't get many girly giggles. That may have been because I was in an office full of nothing but middle aged men, though...

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    1. Hey, still better than being called "Byron."

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  38. These things are obvious with any other profession. Good doctors and even mediocre lawyers have figured out that you use layman's terms in front of the client and then make fun of the client behind their back as soon as they're gone, because you were able to make a mountain of cash out of their stupidity.

    It says something about tech guys in general that only, like, three of them in the whole world have been able to stumble on this basic survival method.

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    1. The difference, though, is that just about anyone can be a techie, but a doctor or a lawyer requires years of extensive training. Like, if some geek fixes my computer and is a dick about it, I say, "fuck you poindexter." But if a doctor's a dick to me and he just saved my life, I keep my damn mouth shut because he just pulled a bullet out of my spleen and sewed me up before I could bleed to death. Not just anyone could do that.

      Also, don't ask why I was shot in the spleen, Doctor McQuestions. I'm not paying you to be my therapist.

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  39. Ah, IT. I actually learned how to work with IT guys in such a way that I never had an issue with them, even when they were those kind of IT guys. It allowed me to get what I needed from them without the usual aggravation. Probably helps that I'm married to a computer geek and my dad was a computer geek, so I already knew how to talk to them (though neither of them is THAT KIND). And if I'm being honest, it significantly helped that I had breasts. I very much enjoyed watching tech support finally get the shaft from our IT/programmers while they were being nice to me and quick to respond to my issues. That's what happens when you're the only female other than the boss's freaky-ass sister and 3/4 of the guys working there are repressed single Mormons. I don't even know how I got hired there, considering the owner thought women were only good for the 5 c's: child bearing, child care, cooking, cleaning, and coitus.

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    1. Oh my God, I just realized what the iPhone 5c is... that's sexist as fuck.

      Being an attractive woman definitely helps, especially for those lonely, nerdy IT guys. I kid you not, my wife once walked into an Apple store to that 'genius bar' thing because her laptop battery was dead. She told the geeky genius guy that she killed it playing WoW, and he started nervously asking her questions about what guild she was on, etc. He ended up giving her a brand new battery for free, and told her not to tell anyone because he could get fired. Those are hundred dollar batteries.

      Half of me was like, "Wow, that's cool." The other half was like, "Hey, if I walked in here and told you I killed my battery playing WoW, you'd probably be like, okay, neat bro. That'll be $99.99."

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  40. This made me laugh a lot buddy, it really is funny that the people who work in IT really do end up using the phrase "have you tried turning it on and off again" over and over again, being an IT guy might be frustrating but you've got to at least retain some sort of good manners!

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    1. As a guy whose wife is planning to be a doctor, I.E. ripping into guts and seeing more piss, shit, and blood than I've seen in a lifetime, I really don't think that "My monitor won't turn on!" (it's not plugged in) isn't that big of a deal.

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  41. This post had to be 'for me'. Whenever I need computer repairs the IT guy is like "what did you do when it started having problems' Me - 'Nothing'. IT guy - 'you pushed every button on the keyboard, didn't you?' Me - 'No, why would you say that?' It guy - just shakes his head, but I know he's thinking save me from another dumb blonde. Me - thinking - how do they know?

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    1. Maybe I just worked in backwards land but all of the blonde women were really good computer users and either never had a problem or already had a reasonable idea of what I had to do to fix it. Meanwhile, there was this one brunette woman who could break her computer just by looking at it wrong. She once contracted a virus so bad I had to just give her another computer.

      Me: So, how do you think you got this?
      Her: I don't know, I was just downloading Google.

      Let that sink in.

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  42. Too funny! :) Love the phrase "Have you tried turning it off and on again..." I've heard that one so many times, I even use it now. My answer..."Ummm...yeah, so now what?"

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  43. So glad you fixed your computer! We would miss your drawings! My step son has a degree in computer science from Westpoint and does all the things you say not to, which is why I never ask him for help.

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  44. This is why I prefer to fix my own computer problems.

    Or in the office, I now have a handy excuse to work through problems at my own pace, blaming the computers for being "slow" and "inoperable".

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  45. I have a 19 yr old super geek in the house. When something computer related goes wrong I call him. If he cant fix it, he knows someone who can.
    And he accepts payment in chocolate

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  46. I love our IT guys at work....until one of them starts to elaborate on a given question/topic, thus making me want to do a drive-by bitch slapping to make it stop.

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  48. I know a few IT guys who would find this just as, if not more, funny as I do; glad I found you through a recommendation/link by Arlee Bird at Tossing It Out, because I needed a good laugh today.

    Based on past and current experiences, I've come to get the impression that a person's frustration -- or lack thereof -- with an IT guy directly correlates to their level of technical know-how. I'm no IT expert, but I do understand many basic (and maybe even some beyond basic, depending on who you ask) workings of computers, so my conversations with IT guys have been tolerable. Now my grandparents, however, may have a difference experience and want to knock the IT people over the head with their telephones.

    ~Nicole @MadlabPost

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  49. IT guys ... my arch nemesises ... nemesi? What is the plural of nemesis anyway?

    Anyhoo ... I remember talking to one once on the phone when I couldn't get my modem to work. The guy ACTUALLY told me to pick the modem up and hold it upside down for five seconds! And I was so desperate by that point, I ACTUALLY DID IT!

    My brother works in IT, when I told him that story he laughed for about twenty minutes straight.

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  50. That post was great and all, but it didn't help me much, I have a Mac. All I get from IT guys is rolled eyes and vitriol. Also, I find it truly amazing that you guys managed to answer so many of your comments. Also, also, I titled my last blog How To Not… (like minds huh?) Also, also, also, I am going to be in Denver for the Broncos/Chargers game, beer anyone? Or disc golf? What?! You're not into the latest fringe sport that will be immensely popular and never quite manages to be played by anything but pot-smoking, anti-conformist, sort of hippie guys? Or a beer while learning disc golf? Beer.

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  51. Never be a dick to somebody to their face. Especially if you're in charge of fixing their stuff or handling their food. Its just logic. My favorite thing to say is "Don't piss off the person who handles your food" because I've been extremely tempted to 'accidentally' spill their hot soup. Good thing I don't work in or with IT. The soup would 'accidentally' end up on a computer and then I would be like "Oops, my bad, fix it please".

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  52. Thank you for everything . indeed I found a lot of things to read on this blog . Thank you . you do a great work here to post a nice blog . Really i like your blog . I will follow your blog.on blog. Thanks a lot for useful , information and blog . That's very nice.

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