Monday, October 14, 2013

Fifty Shades of Charlie Hunnam

So early last week we sat down and talked to actor Charlie Hunnam, star of the FX drama Sons of Anarchy and star of the upcoming softcore mommy porn film Fifty Shades of Grey. We just forgot to share it with you. Our sincerest apologies for that. We get black out drunk busy sometimes, so you'll have to excuse us. But, as with a significant other's period, better late than never, right?

Without further ado, last week's interview with Charlie Hunnam.


















And with that, the interview came to an abrupt halt. Charlie Hunnam flew immediately back to LA to fire his agent, and today we were greeted with a nice gift basket in our mailbox as a token of gratitude. For what, you may ask? For the heads up we gave him before he could ruin his career and cement himself forever as a demented, controlling tampon rapist.

So if any of you heard in the news over the weekend that Charlie Hunnam dropped out of Fifty Shades of Grey, we have only one thing to say...

You're fucking welcome.

-B&B

Music: Waylon Jennings
Beer: Upslope Pale Ale

PS Go check out our friend Kat O' Nine Tales' blog today where Bryan shares the story of how he rescued his dog. Tampon rape? Not cool. Animal rescue? Very cool.

>>Kat O' Nine Tales<<

105 comments:

  1. Good for him!
    Now if only the movie itself would derail.
    Exactly what did he send you, anyway?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A fruit basket. An angry fruit basket that was manly as shit.

      Delete
  2. That's an actual excerpt? Did you actually have to read that thing to fing that excerpt? And Charlie is a joke professional, did you not like the show "Undeclared"? He was really funny in that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What's an "Undeclared"? As a true Charlie Hunnam fan (and not just some guy who got on the bandwagon because he's a badass in Sons) I think you're just making shit up. Next thing you're going to tell me, he used to play some sissy gay guy. Or he's not even American. Come on, man.

      Delete
  3. Christian needs to learn that you should NEVAH flush tampons. They can cause serious damage, and it's embarrassing to call a plumber to clean your pipes for that situation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THAT'S what you got out of that excerpt? Well, folks, today we learned a little more about Deb than we might have wanted...

      Delete
    2. OMG Deb that is exactly what I was thinking as well when I read that!!! I was like, everyone knows you can't flush tampons, why wouldn't he put it in the trash?? LOL!

      Delete
  4. Wait that's an actual excerpt from the book?...seriously? No. Just no. I don't know how this is going to be made into a movie and I don't want to know how it was made into a book.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Seriously. Not even menstruation can stop Christian from defiling his wimmens.

      And as much as we harp on the book for being bad, it's not just that. We had to read it for our infamous post last year. It's really just 500 pages of them fucking. I truly do not understand how Hollywood is going to make this into a movie if it's not just going to be a 2 hour long porno.

      Delete
  5. Where were the two of you in the late Nineties, when someone could have sat down with George Lucas about his prequels?

    Or in 1971, when Paul McCartney was considering a solo career?

    You could prevent disasters as a side gig, when you're not, you know, being professional writers and all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're only two guys, and there's only so much we can do when we aren't doing hard hitting journalism or releasing serious, thought provoking literature.

      But to answer your questions, in 1971 I was still being concocted in a laboratory and was 12 years away from being released upon the world. And in the 90s, well, no amount of reasoning would have stopped George Lucas. Not with all of those millions being dangled in front of his face. Just look at Jar Jar Binks. If that got by, there was nothing we could do.

      Delete
  6. You guys are too good to him, now I need to read this book!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Frankly, tampon removal has never been sexier!

    There, that's my quote that the publishers can put on the back of the book. All credit goes to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, where's our sexy tampon blurb? Did you even read Slim Dyson? That was like the last 6 chapters of the book!

      Delete
    2. I did read Slim Dyson and, while it was a hilariously heart-warming affair throughout, I was disappointed by the lack of sanitary devices. You won't get a Tampax sponsorship that way!

      Delete
  8. What? How ungentlemanly! You just never pull out a woman's tampon. Never!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's right. A gentleman first asks, and then gently unwedges. For being a suave British guy, Christian Grey sure doesn't have any manners...

      Delete
  9. First and most importantly...

    Music: Waylon Jennings
    Beer: Upslope Pale Ale

    I've never tried Upslope (and have only heard of it because you mentioned it once before in a blog bit), but if you're pairing it with the great Waylon, I needs to slurp some Upslope.

    Now... I have never scanned a single page of 'FIFTY SHADES OF GREY' but I'm sure it's as bad as you Beer Boys say. And I CAN understand your wondering how it could possibly be made into a movie, but...

    I wondered the same thing many, many years ago after reading the book 'LESS THAN ZERO'. I thought: Wow! A book about losers and a story where nothing ever really happens.

    Shortly afterwards I learned that a motion picture company was going to make a movie based on that... uh... "story". I couldn't believe it! How can you make a movie based on a book where the plot is less than zero?

    And yet they did make a 'Less Than Zero' movie. I never saw it, and I assume it must have been lousy (I think it pretty much bombed at the box office), but if they could make a movie based on a less than 0 story, I suppose they'll find a way to make one based on the number 50.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Upslope isn't my favorite but it's pretty tasty and quite refreshing.

      Fun fact: apparently the author of Less Than Zero hated the movie adaptation because it "bore no resemblance to his novel."

      Maybe that's what will happen with Fifty Shades of Grey. Hollywood will inject an actual storyline and author E.L. James will be furious.

      Delete
  10. The only thing I've seen Charlie Hunnam in was the original British series of "Queer as Folk." I'm glad he's getting to be such a big star now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I'm just glad he didn't throw it all away to become a perverted billionaire.

      Delete
  11. I think I am one of the few women who couldn't stand the book. But on the bright side I got to hang out with a Ron Jeremy look alike this weekend. Soo much better than Christian Grey

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Wow. You know things are bad when you'd rather hang out with old, flabby, rat-faced greaseball Ron Jeremy than billionaire astronaut helicopter pilot Christian Grey. He's a billionaire, you know. Which automatically makes the rape acceptable.

      Delete
  12. I think he was wise to drop out of the film

    still a better love story than Twilight though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True. Edward would have taken that tampon and eaten it like a ballpark hotdog.

      Delete
  13. Good for him, and good for you guys!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Haha that tampon line is hella disgusting. (Power to you for banging during the red curse, but it's icky for the guy to be all up in your personal care like that. )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We all know that people still do it during that time of the month, but does that have to be a scene in a romance novel? Is this actually hot to any woman?

      Delete
  15. I cracked the hell up at this one. How ANYONE would decide that this was a career move they want to make is beyond me. Yes, it will likely make money but if there is any sense of karma or the Universe has a sense of humor it will end up like Striptease...a huge joke...just like the book. There is no way to turn the book into a movie shy of an NC-17 film where sticky floors abound and men fantasize about tying a woman to a radiator so they can have their very own Anastasia. No Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right. And if you don't turn the movie into an NC-17 film, then you have an R-rated Skinemax flick where everything is implied but nothing really happens on screen. This movie just sounds like it's destined to fail no matter what route they go, and I'm just happy to hear ol' Charlie's not going down with the ship.

      Delete
    2. I know this is awful but I've never seen SoA and have no idea who he is...don't hate me. Either way...glad anyone with talent is backing out. Maybe...just MAYBE they will re-think making it.

      Delete
  16. Yep. I can see how a murderer wouldn't want to ruin his reputation by also being known as a rapist.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dealing drugs and selling illegal automatic weapons is one thing, but ripping out a woman's tampon and forcibly sexing her up? That's just messed up.

      Delete
  17. I was VERY glad to see he pulled out.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Fifty shades of Grey. Everyone is calling this a mommy porn. Why there are no protests against that? What happened to all millennial feminists?
    Imagine the opening scene of the movie - "someone ordered a pizza?" said Renee Zellweger (Bridget Jones) and then door is opened by Patrick Bateman(American Psycho) and hands over a contract with schedule with personal trainer and diet schedule and then pulls out a tampoon and whips her and the "bleeding" woman bleeds both inside and outside.


    Sounds like " a clockwork orange" kinda theraphy for sex addicts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You want to know the sad truth about feminism? For every one woman who wants equality, to make her own career path and be paid equally like a man (like my wife), there are ten women who would quit their jobs in a heartbeat if it meant a handsome billionaire would take them away to their own private island and fuck them like a cheap whore every single day while they sip martinis on the beach and do nothing ever again.

      Oh, and speaking of equality, just remember...

      Average guy in a bar: "Hey baby, wanna go back to my place so I can tie you up and fuck you like a whore?"
      Girl: "Ewww, oh my god, what is wrong with you? Men are such jerks! Fuck off!"

      Young, handsome billionaire in his office: "Hey baby, wanna go back to my place so I can tie you up and fuck you like a whore?"
      Girl: "Oh my god you are so perfect, where have you been my whole life? You're such a gentleman! I'm SOOO lucky!"

      Delete
    2. :)
      The funny part is rich/popular grandpa/guy never complains that a golddigger is behind him for his money. He always says that his machoness/kindheartedness handed him the Blondie.
      But all bulimics and anorexia bitches complain that all men are behind them for their looks and looks alone. And we don't call them smarts.

      Fun fact : Requirement to nail a Kardhashian is not "being born a black" but definite requirement to nail Donald Trump is to be "born a blonde and maintained size 2 or less".
      Women hate skinny ladies and men hate rich/popular guys. Women may hate twerking gals but men don't hate cheating Hunksworths.

      Signed,
      An ex-feminist. (sorry - habits die hard :) )

      Delete
  19. As soon as I heard that Chuck had dropped out of 50 Shade of Shit I knew that it was due to "came to my senses" rather than "scheduling conflicts". I did not however realize that you were the guys responsible for said sense awareness so good on you for that.

    And thank you so much again for the shoutout about my animal rescue post! Oddly enough Bryan, you and Yoki ended up being the image chosen when wordpress posted on FB this morning (it usually chooses the first image of the post so I've no idea why) so you got an extra thanks there. =)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yeah, he SAID it was because he was too busy, but why would he take on a huge project like Fifty Shades if he knew he was going to be busy? I think ol' Chuckie was just too busy to read the books, signed on without knowing he was getting into, leafed through the script, and then was like, "What the fuck? Are you serious? THIS is the story? Man, I am SO out of here."

      Also, I think the Zuck might have a crush on me. That's the only explanation I can offer for taking over your picture.

      (Glad to have helped)

      Delete
  20. Phew, way too close for comfort there. Still, he brought it upon himself for not doing his own research as well. Agents fuck shit up, even I know that. And I don't even have an agent!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's right, Charlie. You can't assume just because a love story is popular that it's not "bad" or "completely fucked up."

      Delete
  21. I haven't seen a single ep of Sons (and the guy who created it is from my current hometown) Haven't read 50 Shades, either...part of me is morbidly curious, but then you guys go and post an excerpt about 'tampon rape' and just....eewww. Yeah, Charlie was wise to stay away from that smut.

    Can't wait to see what actor you'll be interviewing/advising next.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. We had to read it for the post we did once upon a time ago (Fifty Shades of Terrible in our "Best Of" bar above), and it just wasn't worth it. The sex is just ridiculously bad. Like, Ana is a virgin who's never even touched herself, and when this guy starts defiling her, he can just touch her breast and she cums like a firehose.

      Delete
  22. You scarred my brain. I felt my intelligence drop with that excerpt.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You mean your wife didn't make you read this to spice things up in the bedroom? Women love this stuff, Andrew. They love it. Otherwise, why would they buy so many copies and demand a movie be made of this?

      Delete
  23. I love it. His face matches so well with his words and gestures. Did he really, um, pull out? Dang. You guys are really good, and Charlie is smarter than he looks.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
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    1. He really did, and I was way more excited about this news than I should have been. I really would not have respected him as an actor anymore had he decided to be the tampon pulling masochist.

      Delete
  24. lmao glad he wised up and decided to forgo the tampon rape. Good job guys on setting him straight. Now the movie needs to die.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We can stop Charlie from ruining his career, but I don't think we can stop an entire movie from being made. Unfortunately. :(

      Delete
  25. How are they even going to make that crap into a movie? It's crazy! They need to hand this one over to the porn industry. Hollywood is screwed up enough as it is.

    Glad there's at least one actor who found his brain long enough to back out of the project. It's just a good thing you guys were there to save his career! Well done!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am curious to see how they're going to turn it into a movie, but not SO curious that I actually spend any form of money on it or even download it.

      Delete
  26. That excerpt painted a pretty uh rosy..bloody...picture. I am glad I was never tempted to read this book.

    I am so glad he pulled put of the role..ehehehe

    ReplyDelete
  27. It never amazes me how many people latch onto something because it's popular.

    From what I have been told by someone who read the book because "everyone was talking about it," Fifty Shades Of Grey is basically the kind of book that used to be sold in Camden New Jersey at those nice adult stores on Admiral Wilson Boulevard. The ones with the hookers out front.

    Now it's a best seller and soon to be a major motion picture.

    Do most Americans really consume this crap? I was really joking when I used to say a movie needed nudity or violence to be any good...but it looks like that has become the American Entertainment Creed.


    LC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Quite simply, this is Grade A Mommy Porn for women who are bored with their marriages and want to "escape" by being molested by a young, handsome billionaire who does absolutely nothing but shower them with ridiculous gifts and give them the constant orgasms their husbands won't.

      Delete
  28. Replies
    1. Now that I think of it, their attire is rather similar. Though all those patches on his vest makes Charlie look more badass. Yep, definitely about the patches.

      Delete
  29. Oh my lord, that is actually in the book? How is that sexy? I just threw up in my mouth a little.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I bet Christian Grey likes that, the whole throwing up thing. He's a sick fuck, that one.

      Delete
  30. My mom told me to read 50 Shades of Grey. She said she loved it.
    I guess that's what happens when your 49 and single.
    I've never looked at my mother the same way again.

    -Sam.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My mom leafed through the book and was like, "Ugh, this is disgusting." I've never been more proud of her reading taste.

      I couldn't imagine reading through this book and seeing, something like, "page 245: Christian whips Ana and then sodomizes her. Wow, my mother gets off to this. Just fucking great."

      Delete
  31. Replies
    1. According to the RIAA movie stars are suffering financially from online piracy, so this poor guy needs anything he can get!

      Delete
  32. Thank you guys, thank you from the bottom of society's heart for saving him from the 50 Shades of Grey machine. One thing I will say, despite this post making me laugh a lot, that's an awful keen and thorough knowledge you guys have on 50 Shades of Grey! Unless it's not true that she essentially agrees to the guy that he's allowed to basically rape her!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, he actually makes her sign a rape contract. We read this piece of crap... so YOU won't have to.

      Delete
  33. "But, as with a significant other's period, better late than never, right?"
    This made me laugh so hard.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We've all been there, haven't we? And being the man definitely doesn't make it any less "oh shit."

      Delete
  34. Listen, I'm all for weird shit that would my father cry, but who in the hell thinks that some dude pulling out your day 2 tampon is sexy? I bet this E.L. James bitch got off to "Carrie" too.

    Anyway, good for you, Charlie!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear that in real life if you rip out a woman's tampon all you do is unleash the pent up anger and resentment.

      Delete
  35. I want to say sincerely, how nice it was of you to 'save' this poor young actor from such a terrible fate. Innocent as I'm sure he was. BUT, did you have to do it by exposing me to that particular excerpt. Truly, I have avoided all discussions about this piece of trash, with the hope of never, Never NEVER having to hear any of the details. Even after that, this dumb blonde, had to go and read through some of the comments - it's a little like having your brain, eyes, and ears, sexually assaulted. I never ask people to 'trust me', but I can promise you this is one woman who is not the least little bit turned on by any of that.

    Mommy porn? Just what kind of mommies are out there today?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The kind of mommies you shouldn't be leaving alone with your children... But really, how boring does a woman's sex life have to be before she thinks this shit is hot?

      Delete
  36. Charlie owes you guys more than a gift basket for helping him to dodge that bullet!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We accept check, cash, or credit card, but no word on whether he's actually going to pay us or not.

      Delete
  37. Actual excerpt? That's fucking gross. How can all of these people sell books??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, apparently we need to stop writing horror and start writing bodily-fluid rape fiction. Stay tuned for "The Bloody Blumpkin," coming 2014.

      Delete
  38. I can't believe that's part of the book. I'll leave it at that, enough has been said already.

    Know who should replace him? Gilbert Gottfried. I'd watch it on opening night. Do they not want my money?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cast Fran Drescher as Ana and I'd pay to see that movie in a heartbeat.

      Delete
  39. C'mon everyone it's more like moving a traffic barrier to get the GREAT parking spot! Haven't most red-blooded males earned RESPECT from a female, at 4am and 18 beers naked? Stand tall and proud MEN, 50 SOG is Art - imitating Life!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If this book doesn't teach a man how to treat a lady, I don't know what will, because fuck manners and respect.

      Delete
  40. That is fucking nasty. I mean just gross. I'm sorry you guys even read that book. Yeah, I don't know how they are going to be able to make it into a movie without making it a triple X.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe it could be a tasteful, character-driven art film where the intimacy is used to build the story.

      ...BAHAHAHA. Yeah, right.

      Delete
  41. That's actually an excerpt from the book? Wow, that's terrible. That's so bad, in fact, that I think I'll pick up the book, so I can, y'know, make fun of it and stuff. Man, this is gonna be good. I can't wait to go pick up this book and read it... Oh, and make fun of it too, of course. Yeah, I mean, bloody tampons? Who doesn't like... I mean who likes that sort of stuff? Sickening, if you ask me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All of this sick shit and no Brazilian fart porn? It's like E.L. James doesn't even know her demographic.

      Delete
  42. I am away from my computer for one day and I miss the news that you are the guys responsible for Charlie Hunnam's departure from FSOG. As I am one of the very few that never read the book, I also, have to thank you for firming up my resolve never to do so. EEEWWWWW...and this was on the best sellers list.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, which means that millions upon millions of people are totally okay with this kind of stuff. We as a society are so fucked.

      Delete
  43. First, your response to Adam's comment damn near killed me! Thanks for that, I really needed a good laugh this morning. Second, someone I thought liked me recommended I read 50 Shades- I had no idea she hated me. Because that is some nasty garbage. There is not one thing I find sexy about that book or any of the characters. Misogynist, rapist- not the kind of qualities I find attractive or look for in a partner. Ever. Hard pass!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You mean you don't want your husband to tie you up and treat you like an object, even when you're on your period and just want to be left the fuck alone? You don't want to sign a contract that essentially makes you his personal fuck toy to do with as he so pleases? You crazy feminists!

      Delete
  44. Women everywhere will be cursing your name as they've been drooling at the idea of watching 500 pages of graphic fucking portrayed by the beautiful Hunnam. I personally curse you for not having him in the shower during this interview (naked) while you dashed the hopes of hundreds of thousands of women all over the world by making him see the error of his agents ways. Expect hate mail...lots of hate mail...and vudoo dolls...and strange unexplainable pains.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We thought about conducting the interview in the shower so it'd truly be "A Beer for the Shower," but after last week's bear fest we didn't want our readers truly asking themselves, "Okay, so seriously, are these guys gay or something? They really keep hinting at it."

      Delete
  45. I'm so behind on my reading after spending 24 hours so far trying to add my custom domain name to blogger. The freaking steps don't work on the site I bought it from. So, rather than pulling out anymore hair from my head or beating my head against the wall, I decided to catch up on reading. So glad I did. This made me laugh. You guys are the masters. Classy, even when mentioning tampon raping! Perhaps I need a Heineken now.

    P.S. Thank you for your comment on my About Me page! That was the comment of the year to me! Hugs to both of you XX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beer fixes all problems. Well, except alcoholism. Have that Heinie!

      Delete
  46. I think he made the right choice for the sake of his dignity. Thank you for helping him see the light

    ReplyDelete
  47. I have to go throw up now.

    I was going to ask why you didn't just make something up, but then I realized, even you guys aren't that sick and twisted. My concern is less for the actors and more for the writer, because WHAT THE FUCKING HELL POSSESSED HER TO WRITE THAT?

    Now back to vomiting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Careful where you vomit. I hear she's into that kind of thing, too...

      Delete
  48. We were just talking, Sweetie and I, about why he would quit that movie. And then I go read this blog, and I find out why! And then I realize that I also read the words "tampon rapist" and now THAT's lodged in my brain forever.

    Someday, I will be 93 years old. I will be barely able to move. I will have a withered body and be nearly blind and my voice will have gone and my hearing will be shot. I will be cut off from the world, alone in my mind. And the TWO REMAINING CELLS I have left will be storing the words "tampon rapist."

    I don't blame you. You were doing a public service. ($#*%%^$ Fifty Shades of Gray. I was SO hoping that those two final cells would hold the image of that time Xena and Gabrielle almost kissed in the hot tub.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can picture it now. The night nurse comes by because you're making so much commotion. Antsy. Fidgeting in place. Eyes darting everywhere. She stands over you, asks you, "Mr. Pagel, are you okay? Did you have the dream again?"

      And then you lunge forward in bed, grab her by the shoulders, and scream, "TAMPON RAPIST!" directly into her face, just before you slump over into your pillow and expire.

      Think of it like Citizen Kane, only... you know, much less classy.

      Also, Xena had a hot tub? Man, they really let that show get sloppy towards the end, didn't they?

      "In next week's episode, Xena stops by the Hyundai dealership and gives up her horse to ride the new Hyundai Equus! Will this pony give her any problems? Our sponsor says... nay!"

      Delete
  49. Does it ever make you want to claw your own skin off thinking that that's such a hit book?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It inspires me to write a better book. To release the great new American novel that isn't poorly written or based on gimmicks. To show the people that you don't have to dumb things down to be popular.

      Nah, just kidding, it makes me so angry I could puke. God, I hate this world we live in sometimes. :(

      Delete
  50. I'm sure you'll be hearing from Tampax's lawyers soon. Tampon rape? Not all tampons are capable of doing such acts of evil!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not our job to teach women how to defend themselves. We need to teach tampons not to rape. Tampon rape is NOT cool, bros.

      Delete
  51. It looks like you boys scared Charlie out of taking the part in Fifty Shades of Grey. Who is next?

    ReplyDelete
  52. Awesome interview and good job educating Charlie.
    (Sorry I am a little late to the party )

    ReplyDelete
  53. I can't wait for Entertainment Tonight to get a hold of this.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Thank you! Although I admit, a small part of me was very excited to see him en flagrante delicto, I was not happy that everyone was going to know about my one true love. Not that he's obscure, but I'm thinking the people that watch Sons of Anarchy are a bit of a different crowd than those that would see that movie. Now if you can invite me to his next interview, I would appreciate it.

    ReplyDelete