Monday, September 9, 2013

The Nightman Cometh

It's kinda weird being a stay at home writer. Particularly, trying to get stuff done during the day. For me, there always seems to be so many distractions. It's never just as simple as "sit down, turn on the computer, go to work."


2 minutes later...


So to change this, I did something drastic. I became nocturnal, which means that I now work at night and sleep during the day. I'm like the Batman of unemployed fiction writers.

He's the blogger nighttime deserves, but not the ones it needs right now
That means that at 1 in the morning, as I'm quietly working on writing (or this post, even), there's no chance of getting an important e-mail, or a text message*, or a call from my mother asking me to spend 20 minutes "troubleshooting the Internet."

*All of my friends are 30+ or quickly approaching, so at 1 am they've already been asleep for, oh, about 4-5 hours. I can't remember the last time I got a text past 9 pm.

It's working out well for me, and I'm getting a lot done. But, of course, it's also presented new challenges. Like my legs. They didn't see much sun before, but now they don't see any at all. They're so white they're capable of causing spontaneous combustion to anyone who's unfortunate enough to catch glimpse of them.


Working out is another challenge. I don't mind working out at night, but it's certainly made jogging interesting. And not because it's dark, but because of the people I encounter. Namely, people who want to know why I'm out at that time of night jogging.






So it's fun to have to explain to people that I'm just running in circles for my health and not actually planning a very poor, very repetitive 5 mile long burglary.

I also get that ever popular question, "Can I help you?" which is a funny question, because I find that when someone asks that, they don't really mean it. They don't want to help you at all. Example: "Sure, will you come over Tuesday and help me repaint my living room?"

(The answer to that, thus far, has been a pretty resounding 'no.')

So it can be a bit lonely, which means that I find myself doing things like talking to my cat.



What I'm saying is... it may have affected my sanity. But man, I'm getting so much done now!

Cheers and stay nocturnal, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Warren Zevon
Beer: Mirror Pond


77 comments:

  1. Maybe you could co-author a book with your cat?
    I'm also rather pale. I don't like to go outside because that implies I'm about to do yard work, which I hate. Together we could probably blind the world.

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    1. I'd write a book with my cat but the lazy thing would probably just make me do all the work. I mean, all she does all day is sleep. Plus, she's illiterate. Or at least that's what she told me...

      Delete
  2. Man who stays up all night provoking strangers in the dark, works out a lot, fond of cats, you really are Batman aren't you?

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    1. Yes, but instead of fighting crime while living in a billion dollar mansion I write novels in a crappy townhouse. So basically I'm what Batman would do if he was poor.

      Delete
  3. I wish I could stay up late enough to write at night. I usually write on my lunch breaks and whenever I get the apartment to myself, which is very rare. Regardless, I do still talk with animals.

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    1. Any writer who says they don't talk to animals is a liar, I say.

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  4. Replies
    1. She hasn't been wrong yet. I may make her my new financial advisor as well.

      Delete
  5. Damn. My cats need to start giving me ideas for novels. They are NOT pulling their weight around here.

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    1. Threaten to evict them or make them start paying rent and I bet they'll start pitching in. Like you, I made the mistake of enabling her laziness by feeding mine, and giving her treats, and rubbing her belly without ever asking for anything in return.

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  6. I'm envious really. I want to go back to being nocturnal but even though I'm an unemployed writer I find myself having way too many commitments during the day I need to tend to. It wouldn't be so bad if I was supplementing my income from home somehow but I tried the whole online survey thing before and it wasn't that good.

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    1. Don't envy Underwear Batman Who Speaks to His Cat. There's just nothing good that can come from that.

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  7. My chicken legs have been seen. White as can be here at my sea. And I talk to the cat and he talks back, I'm far gone. But work at night? pfft. I just unplug the phone, yank out the internet and then no one to bother me, besides the cat.

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    1. But I need the Internet for research, or so I tell myself as I deviate from writing and watch another mindless/hilarious Youtube video.

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  8. Does you cat offer ghost writer services? I am not much for missing my ZZZZs but since he is up anyway, maybe he would be open to write my memoirs. I am inexplicabley angry at my cats now for not being more helpful.

    I run (more of a walk, run, walk run, really) before the sun comes up and there is a whole bunch of regulars exercising while eying each other suspiciously.

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    1. She'll happily write your autobiography. Sure, it'll be incoherent and riddled in spelling errors, but imagine what a selling point that would make: "Ghostwritten by a House Cat"!

      Delete
  9. There's nothing more suspicious than a super pale guy running around after dark. Those people probably think you're a vampire.

    Oh, and don't try and pull anything over on me with the talking cat. Everyone knows that cats would NEVER be that polite to a human!

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    1. Oh God, the last thing I need is a group of Twi-hards thinking I'm a vampire. Someone get me a spray tan, pronto.

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  10. Be careful running at night in that hoodie. You may encounter a George Zimmerman type.

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    1. I'm white, though, so I'll be fine.

      I wish that was a joke, but it's just kind of a sad truth.

      Delete
  11. Productivity vs sanity, I'd say it's a fair trade=-off. In fact, you're getting the better deal. We all lose our sanity one way or another. Do be careful; ditto what JustKeepinIt said.

    xoRobyn

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  12. wait is that the secrete on how to get shit done? I will just do it all at night and sleep in work during the day.

    You should have help column!

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    1. No, it's the cat who should have a help column. I'm just the vessel in which to carry out those words of wisdom.

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  13. >>... I'm just running in circles for my health and not actually planning a very poor, very repetitive 5 mile long burglary.

    Nobody's gonna buy the truth as long as you're out there at night wearing a hoodie. Keep the jogging but lose the hoodie.

    Carrying on conversations with your cat is perfectly fine. But when Mai Keungern begins talking back... jog away and don't return. Trust me on this one.

    And by the way, MacCATver's book idea about a manhunt for the red dot is a good one; I think you should run with that (or at least jog with it). You could title it something like, 'Manhunt For The Red Dot'.

    Warren Zevon and Mirror Pond - two great tastes that go great together.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. In all fairness, the hoodie is bright blue and I never keep the hood up. Seems like a pretty poor choice in clothing for a burglar.

      And Mai hasn't talked to me in a good five years. Ever since I told her story, she's stayed locked away in the closet and she's kept her damn rubbery mouth shut.

      Delete
  14. Sanity is overrated. As a fan of your sanity-challenged writing style, this can only be great news for us. Just stop jogging. Look on eBay for Suzanne Sommers' Buttmaster, you can do that WHILE you're writing. Even better for us. Keep up the good work!
    p.s. Patricia Cornwell is an amazing writer of forensic pathology, but she sometimes writes different books not in her regular genre, and she writes some chapters from a cat's point of view. Super, duper crazy.

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    1. Writing from a cat's point of view? Psssh, come on. According to my cat, that's fucking insane.

      Delete
  15. Nocturnal is good. I do most of my work in the wee hours, but I would advise you to stay inside. As for talking to the cat - not good. Don't you know it's their mission in life to lead you astray, or is that lead you to a stray.

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    1. Maybe I should listen to my dogs, then. No, wait, that would just be crazy.

      Delete
  16. Reminds me of Mandrake comics I used to read when I was little, where one time he follows a cat and realize that they have a huge civilization underground and whole Egyptian pharaoh,mummy thing. creepy. Stop with talking to your cat don't try stalking.
    I am not new to nocturnal lifestyle but I don't get much done in nighttime whereas early morning a whole different thing.

    And when you wear that hoodie and jogging wear reflective jacket as well with words that would spell " I AM WHITE, YOU CAN GO TSA ON ME to Confirm and my PALENeSS could power your iPad" and also say "I AM OLDER THAN 17 so I CARRY A GUN" so that we don't have to rally with "I AM BRYAN" placards.

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    1. Even in the dead of night it's pretty easy to see my pasty white face or white legs. There's no mistaking my ethnicity. I'm like a beacon of light radiating across the darkness of night...

      That might actually sound beautiful if I didn't look like a cancer patient.

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    2. The aura isn't writer's aura but simple white aura?
      noctural Lifestyle eyes would be Madagascar king Julian's eyes. what do you do for that? You know what along with help column write a beauty column too.

      Delete
    3. You know you have kids when your references come from kids' movies. I had to Google that one... ;)

      I don't have black bags under my eyes, thankfully, because I've got my good friend "unhealthy levels of coffee" keeping me company.

      And hey, I'd write a damn good beauty column. "Your face - fix that shit. It sucks."

      Delete
    4. I could give you pre-approval to be a dad for figuring that out :)
      Beauty column - oooo pretty harsh? But I think the raw truth is better than you asking me to prepare a face pack with 1 cup of wild tiger urine, 10 pairs of cicada wings and 3 fresh eggs laid by a male penguin in Antartica and asking me to apply it every night after 11:59pm and before 12:01am.
      BTB you have the most beautiful legs I had ever seen. [I borrowed Vin Diesel's pitchblack-Riddick goggles]

      Delete
  17. Running at night is a must here in Houston, where the temps are usually FINALLY down to the lower Nineties by 10 pm.

    If I could be completely nocturnal, I would be.

    Day is stressful.

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    1. It's been 90-95 degrees here almost every day, even still in September, which is honestly the only reason why I run at night as of late. I'm not actually trying to be white Trayvon Martin.

      Delete
  18. Interesting idea! So what happens when your mom calls to troubleshoot the Internet now?

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    1. I send that damn call to voice mail and I call her back when I FEEL like it!

      ...Actually, I politely answer the phone and walk her through her problem. But at least now I'm not in the middle of working on something.

      Delete
  19. I miss the days of being nocturnal...>sigh<

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    1. At least I can sleep well (or not sleep at all) knowing I'm not the only crazy writer that's tried this and found some success.

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  20. Maybe try running After you are done working? Maybe 4 or 5 am... That may appear a bit more normal and the class of people out on the street may improve as well. Just a thought.

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    1. The class of people in this neighborhood doesn't change, unfortunately. It's all white snobby suburbanites. And I've never much concerned myself with trying to appear normal. What fun is that?

      Delete
  21. Just don't take a jog in George Zimmerman's neighborhood.

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    1. I think I'm fine as long as I don't take that black cat of mine, Trayvon Meow-ton. She always looks like she's up to no good.

      Delete
  22. Troubleshooting the internet! That made me laugh. I'm impressed that you've managed to switch your schedule to nighttime. I'd love to be able to work more at night, but sadly the rest of my world revolves around daytime activities...maybe someday!

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  23. It must be nice living in a city where you can run around in the middle of the night without a 100% guarantee that you will be murdered.

    I want photographic proof of these whiter than white legs. No way can they be whiter than mine.

    xo!

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  24. Wait! You mean nocturnal is not normal? I thought it was just people awake during the day that are weird. This explains the huge argument I had with my last girl friend.

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  25. This is actually a really cool and interesting idea man, it's given me a lot to think about. I can definitely see the logic to it and when working out and the legs situation is the height of the problems it's an idea that's really catching with me. It must be strange to get into the routine of but it's really cool, hopefully it continues for much longer, especially since it's helping get rid of any distractions.

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  26. My nocturnal exercise regime isn't quite as healthy as yours. Short run to corner. Puff. Shorter run to local Bar. Puff and pant. Recuperate with 10 - 12 cold beverages and bowl of peanuts. Burp. Ask for a lift home. *Sigh*. Wake up and look forward to next night's exercise. Check bank balance in between.

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    1. And this is why I always keep beer in the fridge. To hell with running to the corner. If I want to run, I want to run. If I want to drink, I want to drink now

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  27. The only reason I'm awake during the day is because of work. But I've worn shorts maybe five or six times this entire summer during the day, because I'm always in my uniform. If I thought I was pale before... I could have used my legs as a source of light when I went to the movies and happened to wear a dress a couple weeks ago.

    Also, your cat is on to something. I expect a full story about it sometime soon.

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    1. I wear nothing BUT shorts. Unfortunately, I go out mostly at night. So...

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  28. And that's why I'm grateful for the gym that's a 10 minute drive away that's open 24/7. I can work out whenever is convenient for me.

    Also, working in dark/poorly lit conditions makes you more creative or something. That's the excuse I use anyways.

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    1. I look so ominous while I'm sitting in the dark, brow furrowed. Which is probably because I'm just wondering what the hell I'm looking at.

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  29. Nocturnal living is great and all, until you actually have to do something during the day. You know, meetings, parties, conventions, whatever. Resetting your internal clock so that you don't fall asleep at those times is pretty damn hard.
    But hey, at least you're getting things done, which is always good! I remember staying up 'til 4 AM when I got in the zone for programming. Don't do that much these days, maybe I should.

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    1. I don't do it every single day, and when I do I usually just stay up till about 4. Nothing crazy. Still able to party (because, you know, I do that) while simultaneously giving a big middle finger to my internal clock! Who's in charge now, huh?

      Delete
  30. Getting stuck on night time is a hard thing to come back from if you every want to live in the light again. Guess you have to use the force

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    1. I don't have the force but I do have kung fu grip, so I should theoretically be fine.

      Delete
  31. It may be affecting your sanity. The only advantage of night working is your lack of distraction. But you can mitigate distraction, you can't find useful stores or useful people open past eight. You are waking up when the drunks are starting to get to their normal drunken stasis. And soberly talking to drunks is a daymare. Also, you're going to become a prime suspect for whatever crime occurs in your neighborhood, or worse, expected to help people when you hear a scream. No more, "I was sleeping" excuse. You're fighting your natural circadian rhythm! I'm just concerned, sir.

    Sincerely,

    Dayman, fighter of the Nightman, champion of the sun

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    1. It's okay though, because I'm a master of karate and friendship.

      (Thank you. I was hoping someone would notice the title, and am not surprised that it was you of all people.)

      Delete
  32. I love the Batman bikini bottoms. They really scream, "Moonlight Novelist."

    I admire your dedication to writing. I think I'm doing well when I expand Word to full screen so I can't see when email arrives. Then I pat myself on the back when I silence my cell phone and flip it over so I can't see if someone calls. Pfft, guess you put me to shame!

    (I won't mention how many times I minimize Word or check the phone)

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    1. I still have to fight minimizing Word at night. Those damned Youtube videos or hilarious cat memes, they just hit you at all times of day and night.

      That's my secret, Captain... I'm always distracted.

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  33. Yeah. I don't sleep at night even though I really want to. I disturb people across the ocean instead (eh, just ONE guy really) - who patiently reassures "No, you're not disturbing me" even if I happen to send a "Hi what you doing" for the second week in a row at 03 am my time... Wish I could get things done instead. That'd be pretty neat, instead I start up my 360 and play games until I fall alseep :/.

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    1. Some of my work time may involve video games. But I call it, uh, inspiration. Yeah, that.

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  34. That is so funny! I always said you're not crazy if you hear voices, only if you answer them.

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  35. I know what you are talking about. I work from home writing for my blog, editing photos for my books, and working on crafts for my Etsy shop. Add to that, picking up my granddaughter from school and exercising for a half-an-hour each day. My inner voices are telling me, "at least you are doing what you love". I can't argue with that. Keep up the good work...write, write, write!

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  36. Inspiration is a bitch. That is all. Apparently Luna is your muse...that or, you know, the rest of the world is quiet...which gives you a choice to be "inspired" or "lonely".

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  37. Definitely better than writing during the day and not getting any work done!!

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  38. I had to give up day time writing a long time ago. But I also refused to give up my day time schedule so... I welcomed insomnia. I said to it, "embrace me, hold me tightly and guide me through the night" and it responded like a true friend. With no words, but actions.

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    1. I know that feel, bro. I pretty much sleep... never. But I get so much done!

      And don't get too close to insomnia. She's just using you, but it's ME she loves, and she's totally going to leave her husband one of these days, she just hasn't gotten around to it yet because it's not the right time, and...

      Delete
  39. I do a lot of my writing late at night. I am one of those crazy people up at 1 am. It is quiet, and you're right, I don't get interrupted--expect by my writing buddies who are up at 1 am, too. Good luck!

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  40. Eat the cat! It's cliche I know but c'mon relive your twenties!

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  41. Your cat looks like a cartoon of my cat, who does talk...albeit in creaky squeaks and squawks.

    You really did this on purpose? Or insomnia struck? I have to say, being over 30, I defy your text stereotype!

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  42. That's not a bad idea actually, I might start doing the same. Although I think I'll pass on the night runs... I'm nowhere near fast enough to run away from the criminals that plague my neighbourhood at night x

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  43. You mean being up all night isn't natural? Ugh, I'm not sure how it's possible but I'm staying up day and night. It's a great time haha.

    Then again I'm not out night jogging and meeting strangers...that sounds like a blast.

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