Thursday, September 26, 2013

The Great Obesity Epidemic of 2013

Today we depart from our usual comedic hi-jinks to bring you, the dear reader, a very important announcement considering a very dire topic. Let's take it to Action 4 News for the story.



The epidemic seems to have started out of the United States, and so far has only affected its citizens, leading to all out chaos across North America. Grocery stores are being emptied as panicked citizens are preparing themselves for the epidemic...

Unfortunately, this is only helping spread the disease. Scientists are baffled.





It's true. No one is safe from obesity. It lurks every corner, and it watches you while you sleep. You may think it's a disease you'll never contract, but be warned... in the blink of an eye, it could happen to YOU!


42 Minutes later...


So be on your guard, folks. Obesity is everywhere, and it's spreading like wildfire. But worry not. To stop yourself from contracting obesity, just follow these simple guidelines.

1. Never share a spoon with a fat person.

2. If you see an obese person, seek shelter at a health club immediately.


3. Learn the (Tyra) Banks Auto-Regurgitative Function, or B.A.R.F. If you or a loved one mistakenly ingests a Krispy Kreme donut, this method will "purge" the obesity from your body almost immediately. This method has been proven for decades by supermodels who are practically immune to the disease.

Remember, we just want to keep you safe from a vicious disease that is obviously on par with the Bubonic plague and smallpox. Don't let obesity ravage you like it ravaged us. Let us serve as a warning to you all.

Do you guys have any other tips to thwart this silent killer, or has the epidemic already grabbed hold of you with its iron, sausage-fingered grip?

Cheers and stay healthy, folks,
B&B

Music: Sondre Lerche
Beer: Deschutes Twilight Summer Ale


84 comments:

  1. Forty-five minutes? Damn, that was fast. Crap, I'm trapped in a cubicle all day. No!!!!!!!!!!!! Must.. get... to.. gym...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cubicles are an obesity breeding ground. You never stood a chance.

      Delete
  2. Next thing you know you'll be fighting over victims over who gets the last walmart electric shopping cart.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Every single time I go to Walmart the 3 electric scooters that are supposed to be there are always in use. ALWAYS. That's not even a joke; that's just a sad observation.

      Delete
    2. just 3 scooters for the whole Wal-mart? Mine has like 10. I saw a whole fat family being their own lard convoy in the aisle one day.

      Delete
    3. Hey Adam once at Pizza Hut all-you-eat (in Oz) I observed a family feeding their Mom who looked like JebbaTheHut - then after the kids wanted a drink - he replied 'We came here to eat - Not drink!. Nuff Sed.

      Delete
  3. It's already got me.....save yourselves!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Luckily, I have the metabolism of the a hummingbird. Though, that doesn't help my when riding the commuter rail to work, and those who have succumbed to this vicious disease take up 4/5 of the seat. I've been sat on more times than I can count. My favorite saying is, "I'm way bigger than you, I NEED more room." Meanwhile, I'm splattered against the window like a sardine... that's been thrown against a window.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know that feel, bro. There's nothing worse than feeling some fat guy's gunt smooshing against your arm as you're trying to just sit in peace.

      Delete
    2. So, a "gunt" is a cross between "gut" and a WHAT????

      Delete
    3. Please don't answer Debra's question!! ha ha

      Delete
    4. Ummm, look, a dancing cat!
        \\ Λ_Λ.
         \( ˇωˇ) 
          > ⌒ヽ
         /   へ\.
         /  / \\
         レ ノ   ヽ_つ.
        / /
        / /|
       ( (ヽ
       | |、\
       | 丿 \ ⌒).
       | |  ) /.
      `ノ )  Lノ

      Delete
  5. *eyes French fries* watch out for foods that attack you. *scarfs down French fries*

    I don't know what just happened.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But french fries are okay, because they're a vegetable... right...?

      Delete
  6. I like that: Obesity as sort of a cross between the black plague and zombies.

    Alien anthropologists 1,000 years from now seeing that obesity killed off the human race, but not being able to figure out how it was spread.

    I need to write this novel.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And then the aliens discover our lost remnants of french fries and cake, and a lone alien takes obesity back to the ship with him...

      (We'll write the sequel)

      Delete
  7. Such a disease, how will we ever avoid it, so hard to know haha well at least there is one good thing, if every one becomes zombies they will be even slower because they are all too fat to run.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Never underestimate the speed and power of a hungry fat person.

      Delete
  8. Nice MOOBS, boys! And don't forget that ingesting large quantities of beer carbs can trigger the disease too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then we (and our rockin' moobs) never stood a chance.

      Delete
  9. As an obese person myself I don't really make shitty excuses like "It's a disease! I can't help it!" because I know I can help it and that's why I try hard to lose weight and feel so good when I do. These days you can't really make people aware of their own weight or really make them feel like they're to blame when I can say that really, I am pretty much to blame for my own weight problems and I'm trying to fix them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Taking responsibility for yourself? Psssh, we can tell you're not American.

      Delete
  10. I know. I love when they call everything a "disease." It seems to serve no other purpose than to take personal responsibility out of the equation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't forget, alcoholism is a disease, too. Why has science not created a vaccine for this awful disease yet? WHY??

      Delete
  11. Haha. I kinda giggle everytime they call these as diseases and syndromes.

    How about calling shrinkage- Seinfeld as disease and handout disabled parking stickers for those affected with that disease. ;)

    BTB this reminds me of a joke.
    Poor guy to butler: why is our boss driving 10miles to beach to walk 2 miles?
    Butler: she has diabetes-sugar and doctor has advised her to do physical exercise.
    Poor guy: what is sugar ie diabetes?
    Butler: you don't have pennies to buy sugar you don't have to worry about that.


    In third world countries being obese is some sort of status symbol like only rich can be obese and skinny people are malnourished and they have noone to love them. and if any kid is called as a healthy perfect weight kid it is the worst insult a mommy could get.

    Here in developed countries it is total opposite. so macdonalds is a gift or a curse?

    So, if someone from these countries calls you fat take it as compliment :) this was years ago, I don't know whether to compliment anyone with "you have gained weight" or "lost weight" nowadays though since world is shrinking?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I went to Thailand a few years back everyone was just in shock that I wasn't some morbidly obese whale. When I went to touristy shopping centers, the smallest size they had for clothing was like an XL. The display shirts on the walls looked like tents. Seriously, the world does not see us Americans in a flattering light.

      Delete
  12. I once dated a girl who said she had been fat for awhile and then lost it. The reason she got fat was hanging around with two friends who were obese. She said they would stop at Krystal and she would ask how many burgers they wanted and they would say, "oh, just get a sack full."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "A sack full" sounds like a great unit of measurement for the obese.

      How many sticks of butter does this recipe call for?

      "One sack full."

      Delete
  13. Simple exercise to fight this disease. Turn your head from left to right and right to left.
    right time to do this exercise? Only when someone offers you food.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tried this, but now I haven't eaten in 4 days. I'm 97 lbs and I think I might be dying. Please advise.

      Delete
  14. I just shared a hypodermic needle with an obese person. Is my health in danger now!?!?!?!?

    ReplyDelete
  15. I heard that some supermodels had their teeth removed to look thinner.

    Now, when I keep Googling 'supermodels' over and over all day long and looking at picture after picture after picture of them, then cutting them out and papering them all over my walls, and pretending they are talking to me and that they love me and think I'm supercool... well, it just seems a bit weird.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's only weird if you free them from the rape dungeon in your basement.

      Delete
  16. Oh please, we all know that McDonalds and global warming are to blame here. It's not a disease, it's a conspiracy! Ronald McDonald and Al Gore got together one day, and slowly started changing the earth's air molecules into pure, aerosol-ized fat! None are safe from the evil plotting of that demented clown, and Ronald McDonald!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Note: The McRib is seasonal. So are the seasons, which are being affected by global warming. Coincidence? I think not!

      We all knew that nothing good could come of Al Gore's invention of the Internet.

      Delete
    2. Macdonalds menu:
      Salad - 4.99
      Burger - 1.99
      And I can't do what biggest loser contestants do because they have doctors nearby to assist them (trust me I did read a article with this as excuse)
      And another one Danish people are tall because they hog on macdonalds like food everyday.

      so disease isn't the only excuse.

      Future diseases - homophobia, xenophobia. It is kinda silly.

      I know my kid is American. How?
      Me: why did you cut my dress?
      Kid: not my fault, you kept scissors right where it was accessible to me.
      Me: you know i don't need to babyproof the home when the kid can say aloud "you should have babyproofed the place" as excuse.

      Delete
    3. Don't forget gambling. Gambling is also a disease. "I lost my wife's wedding ring at poker! Why does this disease have to course through my veins?"

      Also, most salads at McDonald's have as many calories or more than burgers. A southwestern chicken bacon salad smothered in ranch dressing with fried tortilla strips on top... but hey, it's on lettuce, so it has to be good for you, right?

      Delete
  17. Thank you for raising awareness of this deadly disease. Oh shit, while reading this, I caught a deadly strain of alcoholism!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahhh, ahhh... CHOOO!!

      Shit, I think you passed it on to me. :(

      Delete
  18. This disease could NEVER happen to me! Why? Because I eat healthy food periodically, I workout periodically, I think nuttin' but thin thoughts, I -- ,sthguoht niht tub *NOM - NOM - NOM* 'nittun kniht I, ,yllacidoired tuokrow ...OH NO, HELP! HELP ME, SOMEONE! I'M EATING MY WORDS... I ,yllacidoirep doof yhtlaeh tea *NOM - NOM - NOM*...

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I bet you wish you had chosen some vegan, fat free words, now don't you?

      Delete
  19. I almost feel guilty for eating Goldfish and drinking Coke while reading this post. Almost.

    Maybe I need to try the B.A.R.F. method? Then I can continue to snack while I blog and B.A.R.F. again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. After watching an obese woman eat three McDonald's cheeseburgers at the park outside my window, I think a few Goldfish and a Coke are the least of this nation's problems...

      Delete
  20. Can I get a fat shot before my boobs sag as much as Brandon's?

    Good way to make a point about the lunacy behind this. What fat person proposed this, and what fat people voted in its favor, and what were they eating at the time?

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I bet they were eating a salad, then they wrinkled their noses and went, "Ugh, how do skinny people eat this shit?" and then declared, "Fuck it, this is a disease."

      Delete
  21. I've been afflicted with this terrible disease since my family moved to pedestrian-unfriendly Florida and since I discovered the horror of eating fast food three times a week.

    In my adult life, I've discovered that the B.A.R.F. technique is indeed quite effective, although it is not recommended to surpass using it for more than...well, ever. :P I've often resorted to battling my affliction by being an active member with the Generous Youth-Preservation Movement (G.Y.M.).

    In all seriousness, though, I do have to wonder how this declaration of classifying obesity as a disease will affect people who rely on private insurance companies for their medical treatments. Will they have to disclose their obesity as a pre-existing condition, and if they fail to do so, will they be denied coverage by their insurer?

    There's some food for thought. That provides fewer calories than actual food.

    -Barb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The great thing about belonging to a gym is that you can declare you have a gym membership without actually having to go.

      "I don't know why I'm so fat, man! I belong to a gym and everything!" he exclaimed, having gone to said gym only once in the past six months.

      Delete
  22. Can't they take blood from super models and make an vaccine or something?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They've tried but no scientist has been able to find a vein on someone that malnourished.

      Delete
  23. that disease is rampant in northern New England.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They say that disease is least rampant in Colorado but my last trip to Wal-Mart would indicate otherwise.

      Delete
  24. Damn that disease! What kind of life can I live without my chocolate hot fudge sundaes, pizza, cookies, chips, root beer floats and Heineken? I can't live and I want to LIVE.....waaaaah!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Once you're infected with the disease, your body no longer understands moderation. It only understands "hungry" and "I'm about to eat this until I hate myself."

      Delete
  25. Glad to be safely tucked away on an island, far from North America. HIGH FIVE TO MYSELF!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hot sandy beaches, women in bikinis, AND no obesity? Where can I find this paradise?

      Delete
  26. A disease you say, an epidemic. Ha, ha, ha. Now everybody has an excuse. I can't help it; it's a disease. Yeah right, a disease with a simple cure. Got admit you guys look kinda...gross with the extra poundage. Sorry to be so insensitive to your affliction. Maybe there's a pill you can take.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear there's this new diet pill called FAT BURNER 3000 that will burn all of your fat while you sleep and still allow you to eat deep fried Twinkies for breakfast while not exercising. It sounds completely legit. I'll be sure and post pictures of my beefcake body in 2 months.

      Delete
  27. But it's okay, is all you hear. Like they need to be praised

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, it's totally okay that you're 450 lbs. You just can't help it. You poor thing. Have another deep-fried Oreo wrapped in bacon.

      Delete
  28. You guys are a riot. It does worry me a bit that maybe the viruses first symptom is talking about fat being a disease. This morning my walking partner and I were talking about the fact this is one of the few diseases people can give to themselves without relying on a virus or germ. It used to be you had to fake a back injury to get disability but now you can eat your weight in pizza every day and get there as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The apartment that I used to live at had 2 handicapped spaces, and both of those were taken by a morbidly obese woman and her morbidly obese daughter, who each had handicapped stickers on their cars because they were over 300 lbs. Because God forbid these "disabled" women walk farther to their own apartment than they have to!

      Delete
  29. This post has made me laugh like nothing else has in a while, people do genuinely treat being fat like it's a disease and it's weird. I love GTA being referenced too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GTA is my jam, and so far it hasn't given me the disease, either! Morally indifferent? Yes. But fat? No. I call that a win.

      Delete
  30. Hey, if you're not striving for obesity, you're not living life to the maximum. Today I had a cereal bowl full of Skittles for breakfast, and washed it down with Irn Bru. I was late for work, might have made it if I cut out that 4th round of toast.

    Basically, eating what you want when you want is a sign of living life to the full, unless you have a heart attack aged 42.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 42 is pretty much ancient so at that point I'd chalk that up to a life well lived. Pass the Skittles and make sure they're properly drizzled in butter, will you?

      Delete
  31. I hate how people post a price comparison between salads and a burger at mc Donald's. If that is where you get your food.... Sorry. You've caught your bug.

    Consider a grocery store. Buy a head of lettuce. I think the most I've ever paid for an organic head of romane is like.. 3 bucks. That's like 3 salads for 3 dollar!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I kid you not, the check out cashier at the local grocery store once asked me if I was a chef. When I asked why he thought that, he said, "Because you always buy all these fresh fruits and vegetables and ingredients and stuff." I told him I just liked to cook fresh, healthy stuff for myself, and that just seemed to absolutely blow his mind...

      Delete
  32. I can recommend a chronic bowel disease that will keep you skinny....it ain't pretty but very effective. You might have higher medical costs tho, but people won't judge you if you buy some chocolate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As a guy without a bowel disease, I figure I can just substitute Ex-Lax with chocolate and kill two birds with one stone.

      Delete
  33. I stopped drinking a six pack of Moose Drool and switched to Miller Lite....24 packs...errrrrrrr....it's really just the heat, it makes me swell. Seriously it's what's on the inside that counts.....stop fucking teasing me you bastards! I have a thyroid problem and I was beaten as a child. Done deal!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not the beer making you fat, so keep drinking that Moose Drool. And move up to Big Sky IPA if you feel like putting on some big boy pants.

      But really, beer won't make you fat.

      Drinking Myths

      Yeah, science, bitch!

      Delete
  34. I'd love to be thin ... but then I'd also love another piece of cake. Decisions, decisions...

    ReplyDelete
  35. >Action 4 News
    >There's a (9) in the bottom right of their live feed


    There's some good news though. Despite Americans with the disease moving outside of their borders, cases of foreigners contracting it have been rare. Researchers are currently on the ball trying to see what genetical difference gives non-Americans this immunity. Sadly, most researchers have contracted the disease as well even though they took excessive precautions. Their progress has dwindled even more than their weights skyrocketed. Let's pray we can get some foreign researchers on board.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not long before it spreads to you, Fang. You can't hide forever...

      Delete
  36. I think it's time to crack out the vitamins and hand sanitizer!

    ReplyDelete
  37. I think it's time to crack out the vitamins and hand sanitizer!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Love the dancing cat! Seriously, this is at such a high level in this country right now that I just don't get it. I know people who have had serious health problems and they continue not to take it seriously. I want to put a blinking "WTF" light on their keyboards.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Somehow, I'd heard about the "epidemic" but not the "disease" classification.
    Prescription: "put down the fork!"

    ReplyDelete
  40. I'd see documentaries about it, but I didn't realise how bad it was. Is noone safe?? x

    ReplyDelete
  41. "Never share a spoon with a fat person" That is solid advice!

    ReplyDelete
  42. This calls for a good olde tyme leaching, but with a parasite. Can you really order those from the internet? Asking for all our safety.

    ReplyDelete
  43. This was posted the same day I had this conversation at work, with my only regular customer:

    Customer's friend: Do you play sports, Rachel?
    Me: No? Why?
    Customer: Really? I would have pegged you for a volleyball player, or softball.
    Me: I have zero hand-eye coordination.
    Customer's friend: Then how do you stay so thin?
    Me: Um............Work?

    Then I went to the kitchen to hide as fast as possible, but it didn't work, because my coworker over heard and was making fun of me.

    I'm just hoping that I don't contract that horrible disease... but that conversation was really creepy... I'm torn. I don't know what to do!

    ReplyDelete
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