Today we depart from our usual comedic hi-jinks to bring you, the dear reader, a very important announcement considering a very dire topic. Let's take it to Action 4 News for the story.
The epidemic seems to have started out of the United States, and so far has only affected its citizens, leading to all out chaos across North America. Grocery stores are being emptied as panicked citizens are preparing themselves for the epidemic...
Unfortunately, this is only helping spread the disease. Scientists are baffled.
It's true. No one is safe from obesity. It lurks every corner, and it watches you while you sleep. You may think it's a disease you'll never contract, but be warned... in the blink of an eye, it could happen to YOU!
42 Minutes later...
So be on your guard, folks. Obesity is everywhere, and it's spreading like wildfire. But worry not. To stop yourself from contracting obesity, just follow these simple guidelines.
1. Never share a spoon with a fat person.
2. If you see an obese person, seek shelter at a health club immediately.
3. Learn the (Tyra) Banks Auto-Regurgitative Function, or B.A.R.F. If you or a loved one mistakenly ingests a Krispy Kreme donut, this method will "purge" the obesity from your body almost immediately. This method has been proven for decades by supermodels who are practically immune to the disease.
Remember, we just want to keep you safe from a vicious disease that is obviously on par with the Bubonic plague and smallpox. Don't let obesity ravage you like it ravaged us. Let us serve as a warning to you all.
Do you guys have any other tips to thwart this silent killer, or has the epidemic already grabbed hold of you with its iron, sausage-fingered grip?
Cheers and stay healthy, folks,
Music: Sondre Lerche
Beer: Deschutes Twilight Summer Ale