Monday, September 2, 2013

The Drunken History of Labor Day

With today being Labor Day, and this past weekend being spent eating, drinking, and... well, drinking, we thought we'd go easy on posting today and resume the funny on Thursday. So for today, we're going to be brief and just give you a quick (and drunken) history on how Labor Day came to be.

Before 1781, jobs didn't exist. There was only the plague, the Spanish Inquisition, and a lot of sadness. Somewhere in there dinosaurs also roamed the earth. Anyways, in 1781 Johnny Laborseed went on a journey across America planting job seeds.



And it created one big gigantic job tree. But unfortunately, the first president of the United States, George Washington Carver (who also apparently invented peanut butter, I guess) chopped down that enormous job tree. When his father asked him about it, he famously said...


And it set upon the annual tradition of the president destroying the economy and ripping up all of those newly planted job seeds. Or something like that. Thus the holiday of Labor Day was born, in which we all take a much needed day off to reflect on how shitty our jobs are and how little we're paid.

So this Labor Day, celebrate your meager employment by drinking some piss quality beer and barbecuing some cheap, genetically modified meat by-products... because even if jobs grow on trees, that free range, organic, grass fed beef sure doesn't.

Cheers and stay employed, friends,
B&B

Beer: Big Sky IPA
Music: Washed Out

P.S. Stay tuned for Thursday when Brandon shares the epic story of being thrown into a bear's den and making it out fabulously unmauled and unmolested.

52 comments:

  1. Umm, I might have to fact check a few of your claims here, but it all sounds pretty good. Sure, I trust you guys.

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    1. Our website is guaranteed to still be more accurate than Wikipedia! So... there's that.

      Delete
  2. I'm not sure I entirely buy that explanation XD but alright...

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  3. I'll buy that's an annual president tradition. I think they also rip out new small businesses as well.
    Unmolested by the bear? Definitely want to hear that story.

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  4. What an informative post, guys. I had some of my facts wrong. Thank you for setting me straight.

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  5. That's one tiny axe. It's the axe of a man unfit for wielding a proper one.
    Horse insemination is a job? Life still holds so many beautiful secrets.

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    1. It's not the size of the axe, it's the swing of the handle.

      Or something like that.

      Delete
  6. Hmmm, not quite sure those are the facts my kids are going to learn in their history books this Fall. Because, you know, those are entirely accurate. Like Google.

    Looking forward to seeing Thursday's post! Enjoy your Labor Day Guys :)

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  7. That must be the Republican's lord and savior, Johnny Laborseed the first job creator.

    It is funny to see their rhetoric about the economy change

    If the subject is welfare, then there are plenty of jobs out there for those lazy welfare queens

    If the subject is Obama, then there are no jobs out there.

    If the subject is increased wages of low income workers, then they don't deserve a cent and they should be happy to have a job.

    Happy exploited working-class day!

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  8. I actually don't know anything about the history of Labor Day so when asked about it I may actually quote this.

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    1. Even after creating this post we still don't know about the actual history of Labor Day. Frankly, we don't want to know. At this point it's a matter of principle.

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  9. Have a good one guys. Grill some meat, drink some beer and enjoy the day!

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  10. You boys don't sound bitter at all. That's sweet.

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    1. Hey, there's nothing to be bitter about. I drank my high quality craft beer and I ate my grass fed beef this weekend. Then on Tuesday I returned to the job I don't have.

      Life is pretty damn good.

      Delete
  11. Hmmmm alternate reality history? The bear may not of molested but don't believe its lies haha

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  12. Well' we got the piss quality beer done on Saturday and Sunday (which you can see on the caps blog {there's a link at the right of top at my main blog}), and they don't allow grilling in our complex, mainly because of suspicions that people of my skill set would burn things down. On the bright side, though, I got Tuesday off too (lack of work) so I ve two days to recover!

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    1. I would scoff at your piss quality beer but A) you make up for it routinely with other good beers and B) I drank a Miller High Life this weekend, so... I have absolutely no room to talk.

      (Forgive me. It was the only liquid in the entire house. Also, not my house)

      Delete
  13. Ahhh I've been wondering what labour day is for years, thanks for clearing it up x

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  14. Seems legit. Have a nice holiday! :D

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  15. Did Anne say to grill your meat? Sadist.

    I think I made, like, $15 in August. Take that, job market!

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    1. So in other words, as an Indie author, that was a pretty damn good month, amirite?

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  16. Finally I have an explanation for what your Labor Day is, I guess I should have guessed since the word labor is in there, really hope that you guys have a great Labor Day and enjoy the drink and festivities.

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  17. This is exactly what I learned in school. But with pictures!

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    1. We, as equal opportunity educators, try to cater to our "visual learners."

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  18. Oh that explains why it was so quiet in work today...no one online in America!

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  19. I cannot wait until Thursday ;)

    Are you sure you don't have the wrong President George chopping down the economy tree?

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    1. George Washington Carver may have started it, but George W. Bush carried on that proud tradition for eight solid years, and how!

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  20. Sounds accurate to me. I can't wait for ya'll to explain the other holidays and how they came to be. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to stuff more chips into my face and enjoy my day off from serving demanding jerks.

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  21. I feel like all my life I've been lied to. I'm glad I can trust you both, otherwise I might continue to sprout bull through my lips.

    I'm kidding no one, I'll never stop.

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  22. Well, it seems you BEER BOYS were issued the same history textbooks in school that I was issued, because that's what I learned too.

    >>... the first president of the United States, George Washington Carver (who also apparently invented peanut butter, I guess)

    There's only one thing you left out: It was indeed our first president, George Washington Carver, who invented peanut butter. And it was a White man, Joe J. Jelly, who invented jelly (which was named after him, of course).

    When some ancient American discovered that those "two great tastes taste great together", he made a great lunchtime meal called the "Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich". But it's ONLY because he, and all the rest of America, was so racist (like, totally hated Black people) that it wasn't called the "Carver Butter And Jelly Sandwich". (Because Carver was Black, they named his invention "Peanut Butter" instead of "Carver Butter".)

    At least that's how it was taught to me in my senior year at a Left Coast high school.

    And speaking of the Left Coast, it was only 3 hours ago that I returned from a Labor Day Weekend trip back to HelL.A., California. We packed quite a bit of crap into a small amount of time, including a breakfast at Venice "Touch Of Evil" Beach, and an afternoon in Hollyweird and Chinatown (the latter being weirder than the former, but NUTTIN' being weirder than Venice Beach).

    I bought a Mexican T-Shirt from a hot Mexican gal in Little Mexico (Olvera Street) celebrating that Mexican baseball team "Los Doyers", that might well win the World Serious this year. (I'm series!)

    Then, trying to avoid the jammed Joe J. Jelly Freeway, we got off on Western and drove right into... "THE TWILIGHT ZONE". Somehow someone moved the streets around since when I lived there - Pico Blvd. was where it shouldn't have been; Olympic Blvd. wasn't where it should have been; and how did Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. get HERE?! - and next thing we knew, we was in the 'hood! Thank God we had some people of color with us (Yellow) or we might have been burnt White toast!

    That's a long way of saying: Had A Good Time; Wish You Were Beer.

    >>... Beer: Big Sky IPA

    Does that mean what I think it means?

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Dazed 'N' Confused... 'N' Tired'

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    1. There's always been racism in food, and it goes beyond George Washington Carver and Joe J. Jelly.

      Samuel Jackson (who was black), inventor of the dark chocolate cookie, once united with Thaddeus H. Oreo, a white man who had a delicious creme filling but had no idea how to market it. Together they created the Oreo cookie, and as with all black and white collaborations, the white man named it after himself, stole all of the profits, and now history doesn't even remember poor Samuel Jackson. They just remember that other guy who's sick of all of those motherfucking snakes on that motherfucking plane.

      Does that mean what I think it means?

      Yes, Pinky, it means that tonight we're going to take over the world.

      Delete
  23. You lazy Americans with your holidays and rejoicing! If you were still a vassal state of us, there would be none of this labour day stuff. You'd have a bank holiday and you'd bloody well enjoy it.

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    1. And we'd still spell Labor "Labour," like you damn savages.

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  24. It was very funny guys. I have a P&J sandwich almost every morning for breakfast so I'm torn as to whom I support - Mr. Laborseed or Mr. Carver. Maybe I'll start having beer for breakfast so I won't have to make a decision.

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    1. Drink beer for breakfast and ALL of your decisions will suddenly be a lot easier to make. They won't be good ones, mind you, but you'll feel more confident with them.

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  25. You forgot the part where Abraham Lincoln Logs started a war of Northern Aggression in order to open more jobs by ending free labor.

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    1. That was the Spanish American War of 1812, where it was the North (USA) vs the South (Mexico), right?

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  26. I always work Labor Day. I take the Friday before or the Friday after Labor Day off. That way, I still get a day off, but it's not a crappy Monday; instead, it's an awesome Friday off. Everyone should try it.

    Yesterday, though, I ended up not being able to go into work because our computer system was being replaced so I ended up having Monday off anyway, and I was right all along: Monday's off SUCK. And now it's Tuesday as my first day of work, and I HAVE SECOND MONDAY.

    If you ask me, giving workers MONDAY off for a three-day weekend is punishing them.

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    1. I'm unemployed, and I still hate Mondays. I think it's just the day. There is truly nothing good about Monday.

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  27. I definitely needed a break from sitting on my ass in a cubicle all day. I celebrated by going to a restaurant where the cooks and waitstaff worked all day providing me with the food that the field workers picked all day. It felt grand.

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    1. Sometimes it's just nice to remind people how the economy works... and why it works.

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  28. Well that sucks, because I had to work on Labor day.

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  29. My favorite holiday, the one weekend a year where I get to sit around on the couch and do absolutely nothing. The only physical activity would be getting up to get a beer....or take a piss!

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    1. I'm pretty sure there's some kind of device that will take care of both of those problems for you. If not, you need to invent it.

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  30. So this is how it all started. Spent the day soaking away the pains of unemployment in a local hot springs. Can't wait to hear the historical 'truth' of the other holidays. Anxious to know the origins of Flag day.

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  31. Last week in kids school they had teacher-parent thing and teacher was listing things she had planned for the year. I burst into uncontrollable laughter when she said this "would be starting grammar in couple of months and you as well teach grammar at home".
    And If I teach American history second hand from you, next time not just parents will join me in laughing bit would call child services too.
    Come on dude, blackman as president and labor day - sacrilege and thia is cyber war against USA!USA!USA!

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  32. You guys are even funnier when sobering up (or still drinking - ?). Thanks for the laughs. It was all good stuff. I especially like the last cartoon.

    Cheers,
    xoRobyn

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  33. I've heard that George Washington Carver is the reason why the dinosaurs went extinct. It's all adding up now.

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  34. A bear's den? What the hell? I'll be back tomorrow to check it out.

    Speaking of drinking cheap beer....

    My son's friends were all tailgating and trying to get him to drink this great beer they discovered: Pabst Blue Ribbon. Gross! My son said the only reason they all drank it was because it was cheap. I guess that makes sense. College kids working at minimum wage jobs celebrating Labor Day with cheap beer.

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