Thursday, September 19, 2013

How to Write Science Fiction Like a Dumbass

It has recently come to our attention that there is not enough "sci-fi" in our webcomic misadventures. And admittedly, it's because neither one of us knows anything about it. However, as with all things in life, from self-publishing to DIY brain surgery, we won't let a little thing like "knowledge" get in the way of trying something new. So, fasten your belts trekkies, because today we present to you the ABftS take on intergalactic space adventure.

(Intricately drawn space station and spaceship)

















And with that, Qwerk, Spork, and Commander Fiddlesticks destroyed the evil Mongolian Time Lord. They also destroyed the 8.7 million innocent people living on the Mongolian Time Lord's space station, but whatever. They probably deserved it or something.

And so the Starship CassaBeer lived happily ever after, except for Qwerk, who got Space AIDS from hooking up with too many freaky, four-boobed alien bitches...

THE END

Okay, so that, dear friends, is why we write humor and horror (like our newly released book The Graveyard Shift - *cough cough*). We're complete n00bs when it comes to intergalactic science fiction. We wouldn't know a plasma cannon from a silverware stuffed microwave. But, we do know someone who does. His name is Alex J. Cavanaugh, he's a good friend to the blog, and to prove his boundless knowledge of the genre, he's just released his third sci-fi novel. Head on over to Amazon and check out his newest installment of space opera and adventure, CassaStorm. If sci-fi is your thing, we're sure you'll enjoy the hell out of it. If not, please direct all hate mail to my bitchy aunt Trudy in Delaware. She just loves "getting onto the e-mail."

Also, if you haven't met him yet, be sure to stop by Alex's blog and say hello. Or nuqneH! (Which apparently means hello in Klingon) Find him here: http://alexjcavanaugh.blogspot.com/

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
B&B

Beer: Titan IPA
Music: Kasabian




95 comments:

  1. Starship CassaBeer! Sheer genius. I think you guys have what it takes to write science fiction.
    Thanks for helping spread the word about CassaStorm. Promise I won't steal CassaBeer as a title for a future book.
    And forgot to let you know I mentioned your book on Tuesday and downloaded it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you much, sir! But you didn't promise the important part - not to steal our 4 boobed alien chick. We seen 'er first!

      Delete
    2. I stole the Mongolian Time Lord instead. He's on my blog now, wrecking havoc. (At least I remembered to come tell you this time...)

      Delete
  2. Thanks for the recommendation, I will check it out.
    I love Science Fiction. And when you guys write COMEDY.
    The mashup of the two? Weeeell, you tried. That's nice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes you just gotta drop the science, you know?

      Delete
  3. Well, I see nothing wrong with you sci-fi writing, just your lack of descriptive features when explaining the anatomy of the alien space babes. I want to know how many nipples they have. How do they get off? Do they like the Matrix Trilogy?

    P.S. I'm only a third of the way through Graveyard Shift, but it's damn good. It's a very fun read! Once I finish it, I'll leave you guys a nice Amazon review and mail you a photo of me in a bikini holding an axe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Psssh, you should have asked how many vaginas they have. The answer is just beyond bonerific.

      Also, thank you! Not just for the kind words and the promise of a review, but the mental picture. It's a two piece, right?

      Delete
  4. I want to see this being done by the guys at MST3K. It could make it into the coveted riff tracks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure MST3K needs to cover every original Star Trek episode ever made.

      Delete
  5. I had never seen a picture of Spock as a child. I wonder at what age he got his mouth moved to center of his face? I'm just glad he got it fixed before they made the movie. It would have been awfully distracting. I had forgotten all about the Mongolian Time Lord. See what I mean? Or maybe it was that tongue. Eat your heart out Miley Cyrus.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Miley thinks she's wild, but she's not "4 boobs, 3 foot long tongue, and slimy tentacles" wild. Amateur.

      Delete
  6. I ventured into sci-fi a little myself and I think I managed to do a pretty decent job of it. Having seen, read, and written a lot of sci-fi I think yours is actually a pretty good attempt. You could always combine sci-fi and comedy and make a sci-fi parody. It's not like that's been done before.

    No...wait.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We couldn't possibly parody sci-fi. No, we're going to stick to writing poignant, serious, original pieces of literature. Such as this blog post.

      Delete
  7. Mongolian time lord? Should've built the intergalactic wall of China...Space.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Mongolian Time Lord realized that much like the US border big walls just don't keep out those meddling illegal aliens.

      Delete
  8. I've bought your book. I've still got a backlog of stuff to read, but I'll let you know what I think when I get to it. Because I know you are just hanging on my judgment and won't be able to function until my critique has been passed.

    Incidentally, for people who know nothing about Sci-Fi, you seemed to be referencing a famous Sci-Fi show that I can't quite put my finger on right now...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We would actually like to know what you think, not because your opinion matters, but because we thrive on praise. Validate us! Stroke the ego, and be sure to work the shaft!

      Also, the show you're thinking of is "Enterprise." But we dare not make fun of Scott Bakula, the one true captain of the Star Trek universe, so we had to improvise.

      Delete
  9. Hey, that's as good as the original Star Trek TV series was. Don't give up hope! Look how far they took that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The thought that I could be the next William Shatner is just way too much for me to handle.

      Delete
  10. Lol...you guys should definitely write Sci-Fi. That was funny as hell! I think it needs a NSFW warning though -- not because of the inter-species sex but because I'm laughing my ass off at the office and everyone thinks I'm a weirdo. YOU GUYS ARE GONNA GET ME FIRED!

    Great way to sneak in a plug for CassaStorm, too. Didn't expect that until you mentioned the starship CassaBeer haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's nothing funny about the wanton destruction of 8.7 million innocent lives, Chris. For shame.

      Delete
  11. I bow down to the random space bitch who can shoot lasers outta her tits.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The breasts that can give life... and also take it away.

      Delete
  12. You had me at 4 boobs boys, I've been one of the thousands of Alex addicts for a while now!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I bet if you combined those things and Alex had 4 boobs your head would just explode.

      Delete
  13. What's wrong with space ladies? Variety is always good and fun, and you can't deny they're pretty sexy. (I wish I was kidding.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never thought "variety is the spice of life" could be applied to inter-species sex.

      "Sure, she's got 4 arms, 2 heads, and her pointed teeth could cut through diamonds, but look at those killer jugs!"

      Delete
  14. "She just loves "getting onto the e-mail."" I laughed so hard at that then I realized that in the not so distant future that'll be me talking to my kids.

    What a great shout-out to our man, Alex.

    I started reading your book, and guys, this is a great genre for you!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish I could say I came up with that joke but that's seriously just what my mother says. Sigh.

      Delete
    2. Then I guess I'll confess to using the word "blast" wrong the other day. I thought I was just so cool but my kids were like, "God, mom, you're such a dork, that's not how you use it. How embarrassing!" I guess Jersey Shore can't teach me everything I want to know.

      Delete
  15. I think you guys have a real future in sci-fi. As a rule that genre isn't my thing but I think your version works for me. My Shih Tzu, however, is currently not speaking to you...she claims you have offended her in some way.

    I think the little space tramp isn't too bad. She looks better than some of the people I see at the mall.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sadly, I can't argue with that. I'd take a green woman with tentacles and gills over half the creatures I see waddling through the local Wal-Mart.

      Delete
  16. Your drawings of Stephen Hawking as Commander Fiddlesticks are uncannily good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dog's a pretty good Hawking impersonator. You should hear her theorems on gravitational singularities. They're absolutely adorable.

      Delete
  17. All I know about writing Sci-fi is that to come up with alien names all you have to do is take a letter out of the name of a sex toy, "BeWa", "Dilo", "Feshlight".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is disturbingly brilliant. I guess that means our green space lady is named "Anl Beds."

      Delete
  18. This is one of your most outrageously hysterical posts yet. My favorite part was the comment about the shih tzu. This kind of sci-fi would sell, maybe not quite as well as Alex's, but I'd buy it.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You'd buy it? Why do we make our posts free? Nooooooo...

      Delete
  19. LOL you could take this and make a whole series, sci fi for dumbasses.

    Shih Tzu's everywhere may revolt against you though and shit on your lawn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh but they already do, those aptly named Shih Tzus...

      Delete
  20. Guys this is incredible, if the whole point of this is that you can't write good Science fiction then you might have failed because I was loving it, it's like the perfect parody, made me laugh so much, especially mocking the irony of the warning shots and the entire space station being blown up without remorse like what often happens in my much loved Star Wars, made me laugh so much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right? I'm sure not EVERYONE on that Death Star deserved to die...

      Delete
  21. Reminds me of that Enterprise episode where the dude got pregnant (on his arm!) from the alien chick.
    heh

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So did he have arm babies? Or did he have an arm-bortion? (Yeah, I went there)

      Delete
  22. This all seems perfectly reasonable to me.

    ReplyDelete
  23. OK, I gotta ask, in the very last frame is that 'her' tongue going right through Brandon's head or is she sucking his brain out. either way...eeewwww!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let's just call it a bit of column A and a bit of column B?

      Delete
  24. Does the Starship Cassabeer bar serve Heineken? I sure hope so. This was sooo awesome guys! Loved it. Congrats to Alex as well. Love when a blogger gets published!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Up in the Starship CassaBeer, the Heineken flows like water. Which is probably why the crew is so drunkenly inept.

      Delete
  25. I know nothing about star trek.
    Last picture is disturbing. Was it consensual? who gets pregnant after that sort of violation? Brandon or that 4 booby chick?
    2 birds 1 stone is so BC, 4 boobs 1 chick is awesome you get both porn and SciFi. Bad market for lesbian porn why would men go there if they would get 1 milking cow with 4 boobs right instead of two?

    btb, I was about to finish your book but i need to finish another book for my book club meet before yours.
    And ditto that promise from Chiz except the bikini part. No not sending nude pictures either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. According to that last panel I think his head just got pregnant.

      Also, people still have book clubs? That's cool to hear. We don't get invited to many of those, mostly because of the kinds of books we write...

      When we started getting minorly popular on the Internet, I was sure there'd be bikini pictures. But no, not a single one yet. So disappointing.

      Delete
  26. I think it's sexy to see chicks with that 'morning after the night before' - er, green - glow! And surely there were 'Weapons Of Mass Destruction' aboard the Time Lord's Spacestation. You saw them, didn't you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, we were just liberating them and giving them democracy. Sweet, destructive democracy.

      Delete
  27. Pew Pew, huh? No wonder why we love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just don't cross us, or those television remotes will be aimed at YOU.

      Delete
  28. I do have to wonder what the male counterpart of the alien lady's species looks like...

    -Barb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All I have to say is this: there are testicles. Everywhere.

      Delete
  29. I've never really been into SciFi much before. But then I didn't know the female aliens were so hot and double endowed and... green!

    Even more importantly, I didn't know there was a Starship CassaBeer to be found in SciFi.

    Give me two female aliens and a six-pack of the HouseBeer! And make it quick or I'll Pew-Pew this ship into Hyperdimensional Rex-capacitor Poo-Poo (or something else equally scientific-sounding).

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If two boobs are awesome, then four boobs are logically twice as awesome. This is why sci-fi is so amazing. It's just simple math.

      Delete
  30. I'm a huge Sci Fi fan, and I'd put that epic tale solidly in the above average category. Well done. The pew pew sound indicates kinetic weapons though, what's up with that? I mean, clearly, those are beam weapons that are being fired. How, exactly, do you explain this conundrum?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As a man who's played laser tag at LEAST 3 times in his life, I can assure you that much as the cow goes "moo", the laser does indeed go "pew pew pew."

      Delete
  31. You guys better watch out.....Alex's publisher has just called their outside counsel and are readying a copyright suit!

    The problem I see with a green woman with twice as many breasts would be that Qwerk only has two hands....

    Please alert the hangar crew....shuttlecrafts Pretzels and BeerNuts are ready to dock...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's like a good bongo set. Sure, you've got 4 bongos and only 2 hands, but you get those hands firing fast enough and the end result is pure magic.

      Delete
  32. That was very, very clever, and I pride myself on not knowing *all* of the references. Although I'm a Dr. Who nut.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're both very proud Whovians, but don't expect us to write any Doctor Who style fiction any time soon... unless you want it to turn out like the above post.

      Delete
  33. It doesn't work because you guys started it at the middle and finished it too early. You have to prolong it with larger unknown words and guns that actually miss the target. Otherwise it's just some sci-fi thing that made sense right from the beginning.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See? Further proof that we suck at sci-fi. Not only that, we didn't insert a single pointless chase through an asteroid field, either.

      Delete
  34. Ooh. Riveting stuff, guys. Absolutely riveting. The only thing you were missing was the token "dead man walking in the red shirt" that gets sent off the ship to do some strange errand for the crew, and doesn't come back alive.

    PS: I will be laughing periodically about the term "random space bitches" for several days now, so thanks for that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Commander Fiddlesticks was wearing a red shirt for a reason. Shortly after this was filmed, she was hit by a space bus driven by Mongolian Time Lords. I just didn't have the heart to show it on the blog.

      Delete
  35. I hate sci-fi, but I'd read that book! :) Nicely done, boys!

    ReplyDelete
  36. I don't know, "pew pew pew" seems right on point.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just think, in 50 years, South side Chicago, there may be a day when some poor inner city child looks out his window, hears nothing but "pew pew pew," and wonders if he'll ever get out of this neighborhood and make something of his life, or if he'll just be another laser wielding gangbanger like his older brothers.

      Delete
  37. Loved it. Almost wish there was more.

    Almost.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's 300 more pages of this story and you will read it and you will like it. And if you don't read it, I will shove it so far down your throat you'll shit asteroids.

      Delete
  38. Replies
    1. Thanks for following along! Good to have you here!

      Delete
  39. The Trekkie in me is either horribly offended or incredibly impressed. I'm just not sure which.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do I at least get bonus points for not making a cheesy "William Shatner has a rug" reference or someone yelling "KHAAAAAAAAAN!" ...?

      Delete
  40. LOL! I like your version of sci-fi!

    ReplyDelete
  41. lmao never trust a 4 breasted alien, check

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or maybe trust her more than a 2 breasted chick? Who cares! BOOBS.

      Delete
  42. Honestly, I... couldn't even do better than that. I don't even really know what scifi is, except that I get really bored, really fast. Yay for you guys, because I didn't fall asleep! That's an accomplishment with science fiction. Be proud.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't fall asleep writing it, either, so I'd call that a win for both of us.

      Delete
  43. funniest guys ever- hilarious- flux capacitors.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Why would a timelord with 8.7 million innocent people need to wear a potato sack? With that many civilians nearby, he could have easily fashioned a suit out of supple baby meat.

    Clearly, he wasn't THAT evil.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The potato sack was actually the flesh of the commander of the Potatoians... a race of completely peaceful potato people that he mercilessly raped and murdered until they were extinct.

      I'd call that downright evil.

      Delete
  45. Trying to motorboat a 4 boobed alien slut would just wear me out. I mean will....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exhausting? Yes. But any man who says they don't have the energy to at least attempt that is either gay or lying.

      Delete
  46. Lots of fun guys and considering I don't read Sci-fi, I loved it.

    ReplyDelete
  47. I'd watch that! I am pretty sure you got the recipe for SciFi down, you have guns and sexy aliens...that's all you need.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And lots of unexplainable BS science terms that were clearly made up. Don't forget that!

      Delete
  48. Still better dialogue than anything in Star Wars Episodes I-III.

    HA! I took a jab at a guy who made $100,000,000,000,000 off a bunch of movies. THAT WILL SHOW HIM TO WRITE DIALOGUE I FIND SUBPAR.

    I'm waiting for the ABFTS romantic comedy. Or at least a switched-identities comic. "They went to bed as indie authors and comic writers... but woke up as Secretary of State John Kerry and a semiintelligent scallop!" *hijinks ensue*.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. George Lucas just read that comment, and I hope you know he put out a stormtrooper hit on you.

      Also, I would watch the SHIT out of that movie.

      The body of Bryan, now possessed by Secretary of State John Kerry: "I have it on authority that chemical weapons have been used in Syria."

      The body of Brandon, now possessed by a semiintelligent scallop: "BLUB BLUB BLUB."

      *flopping on land comically*
      *audience roars with laughter*
      *Paramount orders 3 immediate sequels*

      Delete
  49. Intergalactic pirate ship spacestory? I'd buy that :3.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Great write-up! Writing is a talent, and it must not be wasted. As with everything that we had been entrusted, we should

    let it grow and share it with the world.> learner

    motivation

    ReplyDelete