Thursday, September 5, 2013

Craigslist Led Me To A Bear Den

Recently Brandon put up a new security camera so he could monitor the infinitely interesting nothingness that goes on in the alley behind his house. And in order to do that he needed to get a new, cheap computer to run the recording software on. So, like any good bargain hunter with a low sense of self-preservation, he turned to Craigslist. And he was shocked to immediately find a tech geek selling just the computer he needed. Brandon was elated. Until he drove across town and knocked on the door...

Warning: the following story is 100% true.




grumpy cat cartoon

But alas, the small zoo of cats that liked to pee everywhere wasn't even the weirdest part of Brandon's trip. No, not by a long shot.



fat sleeping bearded naked man on couch




That's right, the whole time Brandon and the tech geek were discussing computers, a fat, bearded, completely naked man was slumbering on the couch. And the tech geek didn't seem to think this was weird or inappropriate while having a complete stranger over. Also, the fat, naked guy was a pretty sound sleeper, as a loud sales transaction did not so much as stir him.

But that was not the end of it. No, because soon after another fellow came walking out of the bedroom. In his undies. Acting as if the room he walked into - full of cat piss and naked fat men - was just the most normal thing in the world.


gay hairy bear cartoon





And so it goes that Brandon was never heard from again. Let this be a tale of moral warning to all of you, dear readers, as we mourn Brandon's doubtless mauling. Craigslist may seem like an easy way to find some cheap, used junk...but you're probably more likely to wind up as a heroin-addicted sex-slave with a Craigslist "massage" ad of your own than you are to actually find a good deal.

Anyone else had a bizarre Craigslist sales experience?

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: Titan IPA
Music: Hank Williams

87 comments:

  1. Hahaha I've only gone to craigslist to find apartments - luckily none were like your experience. It's all about amazon prime for me.

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  2. I don't know if there's a Craig's List here in Mexico, but while living here isn't scary...I'm afraid if I answered an ad from a stranger, I would somehos wind up in a Mexican prison.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or a Mexican cartel. But potato/potatoe right?

      Delete
  3. Brandon, we're really going to miss you...

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  4. I'm so looking forward to the tell-all when Brandon is finally found about his sexual awakening experiences with his three new friends. Perhaps a documentary, a mini series, or even a full feature length film would be more appropriate to capture the essence of the Craig's List Experience. Don't worry, your real friends will take delight in the XXX rating.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If they can make Fifty Shades into a movie without it being a full out porno, then there's hope for this story...

      Delete
  5. I thought Craigslist was a sex site for adults, why haven't I been on it? Poor Brandon!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *A sex site where you can sometimes buy things if you're extremely lucky and not bombarded by spammers

      Delete
  6. I'm not even going to try and say anything funny. I'm laughing too hard!

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  7. Whenever I've answered these kind of personal ads the whole transaction has been amicable and I've never met anyone creepy. However, I think I've freaked people out as to the lengths I will go to for a good deal. I recently drove nearly two hours out of my way to pick up a free animal cage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, nothing beats free, even if it means spending more on gas than you would buying a new one!

      I admire your gumption.

      Delete
  8. I stay the heck off of Craiglist because of stories like this. It seems like this kinda stuff is surprisingly common. If you ever hear from Brandon again he will never be the same again at least.

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  9. Ha this is hilarious. I hope Brandon comes back soon. I actually used Craigslist for the first time this weekend and just gave away a whole bunch of beanie babies. I am meeting the person after work to drop off. Hopefully the experience goes well and I will be rid of this wretched creatures that were such a huge waste of $$$!

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    Replies
    1. Just don't be surprised when you meet up with a naked, bearded fat guy. Apparently those guys are the kings of Craigslist.

      Delete
  10. I've only sold on cl never bought. I always had them meet me in a public place. Worked pretty well. Still alive.

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  11. I wish you would have told me more about that seagull. I think that seagull really had a story to tell.

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    Replies
    1. This is a comedy blog, and you don't want to know the horrors that seagull has faced. His story makes Schindler's List look like Happy Feet.

      Delete
  12. Ok, you missed one thing, did the guy say "thank you come again" when you were about tp leave? I thought only Indians live in a pigeon coop but once i tried to pick up a scanner from a Chinese student and saw literally a Chinatown in a studio apartment. minimum 6 people not sure whether everyone lived there.
    I have lot of Craigslist experience I could do a documentary like that Netflix Craigslist Joe.
    so Brandon is alive but just lost right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And here I thought it was only the Mexican people that crammed 6-8 people into one tiny living establishment.

      Brandon's alive, yes, but mentally he is extremely lost...

      Delete
    2. I have seen folks sleeping on newspapers not even sleeping bag but pay 3k per month for rent. Next to babysitting Craigslist is next successful option to pry and spy on people.

      You know you should transfer or move this post and comments to NRA site, you will have new law which shall allow you to carry weapon to Craigslist poster's home and shoot him and claim selfdefense. Kill a guy at breakfast and take your lunch and siesta at home.

      And I think I wouldn't have any beef with that. :(
      weirdowilles website is Craigslist.

      Delete
  13. LMAO if Brandon ever makes it back alive his eyes will sure have some scarring. I cringed just thinking about it. Thankfully I never had an issue the few times I used kijjij up here, same thing, just canadian.

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  14. Yes Brandon, be Boo Boo to his Yogi . . . wow, that sounded even worse than I intended, LOL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brandon was too busy trying to guard the rear flap of his "pic-a-nic basket."

      Delete
  15. I bought a corner couch off Craigslist from a woman who was moving, and my friend and I went to pick it up. My friend asked where they were moving to, and she said, "Well, I'm moving back home with my parents, and my husband is moving to Boston." She then started whimpering and ran into the neighboring room. So, my friend and I took the couch, and she later came out and apologized for crying earlier just before we left.

    Though, that wasn't as bad as the times I used to deliver food to a nearby hotel, and 90% of the men who answered the door were in nothing but whitey tighties.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She was crying because you didn't bang her on that couch before you took it.

      Or, at least that's what I've learned from porno movies.

      Delete
  16. Is it just me or was the "computer" that the tech guy kept gesturing towards really an ashtray filled with used cigarette butts? Sounds like a rip-off ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually the ashtray and the urine-soaked cardboard box were on TOP of the computer.

      I figured I didn't have to draw a sickly, yellowed computer to convey what happened there. Either that or I was lazy. One of those.

      Delete
    2. "sickly" Ha! I like it.

      I had an awful craigslist experience about three years ago and STILL pisses me off so much to think of it that I can't even bring myself to write a post about it. Even now, just mentioning it, I feel like there's an angry bear in my psyche growling behind a locked door. I can't let it out. I must stop now.

      Delete
    3. Don't do it, Bryan. Don't release the inner bear. You saw what it did to the naked dude on the couch.

      Delete
  17. Oh my stars and garters...
    Those were some terrible puns.

    But this is seriously why I've never, ever been on Craigslist.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You'd be completely safe though. Let's just say you aren't exactly these guys', uh, "type"...

      Delete
  18. Craigslist scares the bejeezes out of me. Not that I have personally had any scary moments but I have heard of plenty.
    You know how much I LOVE your artwork!!! The one cat looks like Grumpy cat. Does he not like living in an apartment with naked men selling electronics of unknown origin.

    Did Brandon actually buy the computer??? Surely not...but if he did is there a way to safely boil a laptop????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, that was my shout out to Grumpy Cat. I figured any cat would be grumpy if they lived in that place.

      And yes, Brandon bought the computer. Sometimes a killer deal is worth sacrificing a small chunk of your dignity.

      Delete
    2. He only paid with "real" money....right???? No actions that would be considered lewd or put him at risk for disease...especially feline immunodeficiency virus.

      Delete
  19. Eeeewwww!

    "Your name is Joe, I'm guessing?"
    HA!

    No way I would have EVER purchased that computer from them. God only knows what it was once plugged into.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    Replies
    1. In all fairness, any computer that survived that kind of torture has to be durable enough to run one measly security camera.

      Delete
  20. I learned my lesson about Craigslist when trying to sell my stepdad's old desk. The one and only person who came to see it (claiming to be a "collector" of that designer) was this super weird freakishly tall and skinny English dude who looked like a hybrid of David Bowie and Lady Gaga.

    We keep the doors locked all the time now.

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    Replies
    1. When I had to sell an old couch, I got a call within 5 minutes from a very nice guy who shot right over, put the couch into his truck, and paid me in cash. After striking up a conversation, I found that he owns a restaurant in my home town, so whenever I go there I say hey and he hooks me up with free food.

      I guess I'm the only one who's had a positive experience selling on Craigslist...

      -Bryan

      Delete
  21. Right out of college I worked as a meter reader for the electric company. This necessitated me often going into backyards. I went into one, saw a dude nude sunbathing. So I snuck out of the yard and yelled loudly that the meter reader was here. Not only did he not go back inside, he flipped over. And yes, he was positioned under the meter so it was like he was pointing to it with his weiner.
    Not a Craig's list story, but germaine to the topic I believe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't that how really low budget pornos start?

      Delete
  22. Bought one thing off CL and found my apartment as well... I did place a personal ad once because I thought "hey, it might be better than POF". Boy was I wrong.

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  23. Watch your corn hole there buddy. "Security camera" right. My wife didn't fall for that one either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Security camera, toilet camera... same difference, right?

      Delete
  24. I laughed all the way through this. Amazing, seriously. x

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  25. Aside from laughing hysterically, I must ask...Brandon, at what point does your sense of self preservation kick in, I wonder? What else would you have needed to see in that apartment to make you think that perhaps you should not stay there? So glad you didn't get dead.

    ReplyDelete
  26. And now you've left me wondering how much of this was really truly true. Still, don't go around calling folks like that tech geeks. He sells a computer he plugged shit into, my grandma could do that.
    But yeah, Craiglist man, there's some pretty messed up people on there. Proceed with caution, and always bring a gun. Unless, of course, you're up again a real bear. Leave the gun, it makes you more mobile, slightly increasing you tiny tiny chance of getting out alive.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sadly, this was all true. We are not pulling your leg.

      Also, I say that advice would also apply to the human bear, as much as it applies to a bear bear.

      Delete
  27. This is insane, I'd have felt so awkward and so worried at the same time because these guys sounded like a very very strange, albeit friendly bunch. The nude guy on the couch asleep is the best thing, I love how he gets on like it's such a normal thing, adore the fact the story is 100% true as well because it's just incredible

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    1. As a thin, semi-bearded guy, I think Brandon just was not up their alley. Which means they didn't go up his.

      Delete
  28. I'm hoping you guys will do a follow up on what Brandon picks up on the security camera or what the guy "forgot" to erase from the laptop....no, never mind, that might be too much to handle for our fragile minds!

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  29. Somehow I'm not even surprised... But then again I have no hope in the human kind XD.

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  30. But did Brandon check the computer for already installed cameras? Not that it matters since he was never heard from again. I guess I can mark him off of the list of potential reviewers for Collection 1.

    I did see an interesting story about Craigslist recently. A woman had her $2000 bike stolen, which showed up on Craigslist a few hours later. She did contact the police, but it was apparent that they were not going to respond in time. So she set up a meeting with the guy and told him she needed to test drive it before buying it and just rode off with it. Stole her bike back. heh

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    Replies
    1. That's a great story, and kudos to her for stealing her own bike back, but unfortunately for Brandon anal virginity isn't something you can just "steal back."

      Delete
    2. Ah-Ha-Ha-Ha!
      GOL!

      That was the funniest line of this whole episode!

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  31. I thought science finally proved that if you try to buy anything off of Craiglists you will definitely be sodomized and killed. Why are people still using it?

    ReplyDelete
  32. This was as humorous as it is important info. Luckily, I haven't met any Joes when searching for jobs or housing on craigslist. But I did have someone trying to clear out my bank account when I naively offered to 'tutor his little boy who just lost his mother.' Poor kid. His father wanted the best for him. Damn slimebags.

    xoRobyn

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    Replies
    1. Were they Nigerian? Because no matter how much money I send them, I just can't seem to claim my lottery winnings.

      Delete
    2. Haha, yeah, I've given the Nigerians my bank account info, SSN, birth certificate, and DNA samples. Yet I'm still awaiting the $18 million they promised. I'm beginning to think it might be a scam.

      This guy who wanted me to tutor his motherless son might have been Nigerian. But I think he said he was in China.

      Delete
  33. Had to skim through the comments to see if he made the buy. There I am looking at grizzly bears and dreamy hunks, but where's the computer? There it is! Bought and sold and probably not worth the discomfort!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And the highly absorbent mouse pad smells like cat pee! Don't forget that!

      Delete
  34. Wow. Just...wow. I have been afraid of Craigslist from the first time I heard about it.

    My question now is: Why was that guy selling his computer? Did he need more cat piss to spray all over his apartment? Or was he in need of another huge, hairy dude to walk around the apartment naked?

    Then again, maybe I don't want to know...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The guy sold computers out of his house. Like built them and sold them to make extra cash. Gotta fund those bear orgies somehow, right?

      Delete
  35. I have a guy coming over tomorrow to look at the fireplace I have for sale on craigs list I should totally fuck with him....after the cash is in hand of course!

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  36. My mom's boss keeps putting ads up on craigslist to hire people to work with her. Today, somebody called on a two week old ad saying that the newspaper told them her job was open, listed all of the qualifications except the most important one, and said that she called every other place in the phone book because she couldn't figure out how to find the contact information. Still not as bizarre as Brandon's story though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You forgot the most important part of the story... did she get the job?

      Delete
  37. How many cans of Febreeze will it take to make the computer operable... as in "I can be in the same room as it"?

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    Replies
    1. If Brandon was made of "Febreeze money," I don't think he'd be trolling Craigslist for a computer in the first place.

      Delete
  38. Is Brandon working on some "ultra normal activity" or "infranormal activity" or "paranormal activity 5" homemade movie with his cat computer and camera? Makes sense all the other paranormal activity series covered nursery,kitchen,bedroom,driveway,swimming pool but NO backyard. 3 hours of watching the grass grow in his lawn. Yippie. Where can prebook the tickets?

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    Replies
    1. Hey, it's in a slightly seedy looking alley, so who knows what might pop up? Raccoon fight? Drug deal? Two homeless guys having sex? Who knows!

      Delete
  39. What will Brian do without his beloved, and unforgettable sidekick Benjamin?

    In memory of Byron. We will never forget you and you will be missed.

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    Replies
    1. This was so hilariously hurtful that all I can do is offer you one big congratulatory bro fist.

      Delete
  40. The most adventurous I have been is turning up at an meeting for an online game - yay LARPing is cool. I am only checking craigslist and the Irish version to see if someone is selling my stolen laptop.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So did you make your own cardboard armor and sword and join them, or what?

      Delete
  41. After I finally stopped laughing, I realized I don't know what to even say to poor Brandon. Somehow, sorry Craig's List did this to you, doesn't quite cut it.

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  42. All this time I've been going to shops to buy things... this sounds like a much more fun method!

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  43. OMG! That is too fucking strange to MAKE UP.

    I met someone on Craigslist for coffee years ago, and out of nowhere, he said, "So do you prefer a guy who has a big dick or knows what to do with it?" 1. As if those things are mutually exclusive, and 2. He just told me waaaaay too much.

    So I replied, with a straight face, "Actually, I'm really into bondage," hoping he'd never call me again...and he didn't.

    Did he buy the computer? :)

    ReplyDelete
  44. OK, this was funny in that, now I need a scalding shower, kinda way. My experience with Craig's List was mainly in de islands. It was always crazy but I thought that was just de islands. Of course, I did rent my condo off of Craig's List and it turns out my landlord is a gnome. Go figure.

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  45. Actually, it sounds incredibly Australian to me. I've definitely been to share houses where hygiene and clothing seemed to be optional.

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  46. The first time I ever even heard the name "Craigs List" an alarm went off in my head, telling me it is a creepy, dark, and mysterious place to visit.

    I'm glad I follow my instincts or I wouldn't be here today....or my body would be on sale on Craigs list!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Well, shit, now I'm scared to use Craigslist to find a house for rent. lol

    ReplyDelete
  48. No shit?!? People get killed answering Craigslist ads! Why the hell didn't Brandon have a couple of heavily armed goons with him for back up? What was he thinking? Even here in Minnesota where everyone is nice, people get killed answering Craigslist ads! Jeezus H. Cryste, Brandon!

    ReplyDelete