Thursday, August 15, 2013

The Idiot's Guide to Driving Like a Winner

Driving is now more dangerous than ever, thanks to so many crazies on the road putting your well-being in jeopardy. Well, because of that, we wanted to take a break from our usual antics to give you some proper driving tips that'll keep you one step ahead of the pack so you won't have to sacrifice your own personal safety just to get to your destination.

The key, of course, is sacrificing the safety of everyone else on the road by driving as aggressively and selfishly as possible. Here's how...

1. Take everything personally

Driving is not just a way of getting from one point to another. Driving is a means of taking out your frustration. And when that gal in the big SUV gets a little too close to your car while merging in front of you, she's not doing it because you're in her blind spot. No, she woke up that morning thinking how much she wanted to piss in your cornflakes. Do not let her get away with this injustice. Cut her right back off and show her you are not one to be trifled with.

Or what if someone wants to merge in front of you? Simple--they're just trying to single you out for being weak. Don't let them. Speed up and force them to take an exit they don't want to take. Or make them run off into the shoulder. Or make that selfish prick fly off into a ditch.





And don't feel bad about it afterwards. Just remember that her actions were intentionally directed toward you, and in the urban jungle, it's either kill or be killed.

2. It's all one big race

Every stop light, every side street, every highway. It's all a race. Even school zones and neighborhoods. Everyone's all trying to get there faster than you. Don't let them.

You see, it doesn't matter whether you drive a brand new Corvette or a 20 year old Toyota Corolla--you need to gun it everywhere you go to show everyone just how fast and how important you are. You should also weave through traffic to advance your position. Everyone else is totally just sitting behind each other in a huge line of traffic because they like going slow and they like blocking you in on purpose (see above). Don't let them push you around. Push that 4 cylinder engine to the limit, let that 150 horsepower scream, and do Vin Diesel proud.







And when you arrive at your destination, having narrowly avoided 37 accidents, having achieved 12 miles to the gallon, and having burned out half of your engine, just know that it's totally worth the 28 seconds you shaved off of your 30 minute trip.

3. Don't be afraid to use your horn (and your finger)

Yes, it's important to flip any and all of your offenders the bird. As a driver, that's a given. But what if they don't notice you because they're too busy being self absorbed assholes and "focusing on the road"? Well, that's what the horn is for.

The horn on your car is not just there to alert other people of possible dangers. No, the horn is a tool used to assert your anger. Someone cut you off? Lay on it. Some jerk's trying to merge in front of you? Lay on it. Ambulance wants to get by because they're in some kind of hurry? Block that dumbass in and lay on that horn. It'll show everyone how intelligent you are by constantly being aware of your surroundings while simultaneously not taking shit from anyone.



And just remember, kids: where the human lungs are weak and give out after screaming for only 20-30 seconds, a blaring horn can scream for an eternity.

4. When all else fails, don't be afraid to throw down

Out on the road, there are no rules (well, except for laws, which are trivial), meaning that it's every person for themselves. And if someone drives faster than you, or merges in your lane, or makes eye contact with you, sometimes you just need to take action into your own hands by pulling over and beating the ever-loving crap out of them.

Bad drivers are everywhere, and often the only way to get into their heads that they've made an egregious error is through your fists.



There you have it, guys. Just stick to these simple rules and you'll get to all of your destinations faster than everyone else and without being messed with.

Remember, it's dangerous out there, and practically everyone is out to intentionally kill you. We just want to see you stay safe.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Beer: Sierra Nevada PA
Music: Gypsy and the Cat

83 comments:

  1. Crap, you guys have been monitoring my driving, haven't you?
    Of course it's a race! With obstacles. I have to go fast. My sports car would cry if I did the speed limit.
    You forgot to mention bonus points for ramming those drivers on their cell phones and going slow right off the road. They had it coming you know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "I bought this 135 horsepower Honda Civic to be driven, goddammit. It can reach 104 mph, and I damn well intend to take it there!"

      Delete
  2. This is why I hate driving. I put like8 miles on my car a day (living close to work).

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have to sit patiently in my car when I get off the train because people will sprint to their cars and fly out of the lot like a bat out of hell. I usually try to concentrate on reading or something while a battle of horns and cussing wages outside my window. I'd rather get home 10 minutes later than endure that shitfest.

    "Get out of my way! I have to get home to my wife and kids who hate me so they don't think I'm sleeping with that mistress again!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Hey asshole, why are you trying to back out of your parking spot? Can't you see I'm trying to navigate a busy parking lot at 50 mph? God, people are so selfish."

      Delete
  4. Glad to know us rednecks aren't the only ones who drive with "roadies". That's alceehol in the car in case you didn't know the southern slang.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If there's one thing I need more of in my life, it's Southern slang.

      Delete
  5. I'm good, I drive like this already :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you also have a pool stick wrapped in barbed wire in the back of your trunk? It's good to be prepared in case you need to instigate a completely unwarranted fight.

      Delete
  6. My horn sucks on my car. If you give it a light tap it doesn't make a sounds. If you make it work, well congrats! Now everyone from 5 miles away heard it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is probably intentional from the factory. A horn was meant to be heard. Let that baby sing. I bet it's great for giving pedestrians using the crosswalk heart attacks.

      Delete
  7. Fortunately, I have blog comments to vent my anger, so I don't need to do that on the road.

    I do a lot of dumb stuff while driving, and I sort of appreciate it when people tap their horn to say, "Hey! You are moving into my lane!" But most of them seem so angry that it totally ruins my buzz.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If they tap on their horn, I will tap on their skull with my tire iron. Don't tell me how to drive my damn car, even if I'm doing it poorly/extremely wrong.

      Delete
  8. When we were in Japan, we only heard a car horn once in Tokyo. That's how polite the Japanese are when driving. And we only saw one fender bender. Attitude changes everything!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Reminds me of Thailand. No one honked at each other, people let each other get in front of them, people stuck at stop signs were let out by passing motorists that would just come to a stop so they could go... it was disgusting, frankly.

      Delete
  9. You totally missed sharing your secrets for successfully putting on make-up while driving on the freeway with kids in the back seat. Saw a lady last week that really could have used those secrets.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, right. The secret is to steer with your knees and ignore the children completely. Their well-being obviously takes second place to you looking like a princess.

      Delete
  10. After three years in the Caribbean, where people honk at your out of courtesy, like letting you change lanes, or turn into traffic, I'm the dumb blonde waving a thank you to every jerk with a horn. Now I'm learning how to drive (in the US) all over again. Thanks for the tips.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You already have your gun, right? That's good for waving around to show other motorists you aren't one to be fucked with.

      Delete
  11. hahaha I choose to flip the off and make sure they see it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Really, it's a tragedy that humans only have 2 middle fingers.

      Delete
  12. When I was in the US last year, I thought it was remarkable how nice people were. Maybe it's because I was driving solely around Kissimee and Orlando, but everyone trudled along at a leisurely pace and nobody pipped their horn.

    The UK is a driver's hell though. It's a tiny tarmac maze of winding streets, no parking, and excessive speed limits. If you aren't bombing around at a 70mph minimum, you simply aren't driving.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Obviously I meant *Trundled.

      Delete
    2. Kissimee? Is that a city or are you coming onto me?

      Delete
  13. Hilari-ass. My old man explained his obsession with passing people just to be "first at the red light." When you are FIRST at a light, now you have a chance to pass the NEXT group of cars, to first at the NEXT light, and so on, shaving as you said a good half a minute off of your travel time. Ya can't argue with that kind of logic. I tried, I can't.
    Also? You know what freaks people out more than flipping them the bird? Give them a big THUMBS UP and slowly turn it into a THUMBS DOWN. It makes them wonder.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like that. Gladiator style. And then immediately after you run them into a guard rail and watch in your rear view mirror as it explodes into a ball of fire.

      Delete
  14. You forgot that when you're stuck in traffic and NO ONE is going ANYWHERE that you want to blast your horn as loud as you fuckingly can because that always helps. This is especially useful during concerts or sporting events when 50,000 cars are trying to cram out of a driveway that's the width of a trail of toilet paper.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why pussy-foot around things? Ram them straight up the bumper, to send a physical (and metaphorical) message that they need to get out of your way otherwise they're going to be rammed up the ass.

      Delete
  15. Well I haven't seen any of this. But no matter where I go, I'm the only person on the road. "What's that you say?" Oh, I have to take these ear plugs out.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You should send this post to Indian embassy. Apart from the population, sweat, climate and pollution - the non-stop honking and people driving in the middle of the road makes it a bliss.
    When Black Widow said this to Dr.Banner "For a guy who should be avaoiding stress you picked hell of a place" - she totally was talking about Indian traffic.

    Driving school tips in India. (100% sure trust me)
    - Never take off your foot from break and never take off your hand from honk.
    - Always make sure that the lane line is exactly in the middle of the car
    - Did I also tell you that cars in India dont have airbags - that is one successful way to curb the population and government is pretty serious about it.

    I always find driving in US soothing and enjoyable - ofcourse I am from India.

    And this post is teaching something about not taking anything personal?

    And did I hear you badmouthing about Toyota - you hate Indians and Asians dont you? I dont care what you drive Audi or Mustang, I am hunting you down and driving you off the cliff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheap Indian cars are hilarious. I assume you've heard of the Tata Nano, the world's least expensive car ($2,500), which has no power steering, no radio, no airbags, and no air conditioning, aka a tiny iron death box with a steering wheel and an engine?

      And hey, when did I make fun of Toyota? I've got nothing against Toyota. I just find it amusing when someone with a 90 horsepower Corolla from the 80s wants to drive it like he's in NASCAR. You won't find me driving my Audi like that. I accept that it's a slow car used for decent gas mileage and I'm totally okay with that.

      Delete
    2. Tata nano is India's proud "flaming" achievement. So far around 3 cars burst into flames one on the way from showroom.
      Indians pledge their alliance to cricket and honking ,so all they need is horn not all the other things you are talking about.

      True story.
      My cousin's car horn broke, you can drive without break but not without horn, so she used her girl scouts skills literally screaming "kee-kee-keeeyyy" all the way home and she was 19 that time.
      Toyota and Honda are the mankind best inventions of all times. Toyota is the fastest car, safest car, sexist car I forbid you to correct me .

      Delete
    3. And if a 19 year old girl blasted past me screaming "KEE KEE KEE" out of her window I guarantee you I'd get the hell out of her way. It's so crazy it almost seems MORE effective than honking.

      Also, my Mustang is merely a set of training wheels until I can handle both the raw power and the sex appeal of the Toyota Camry. But I'm just not ready. I'm just. Not. Ready.

      Delete
    4. No need to thank me for opening your eyes and the enlightenment.

      Hhehehe. About the backstory.
      She was honking at an Indian buffalo continuously and instead of moving out of the way buffalo walked towards her car and broke bumper and horn. ( this is her side of the story and i am sure buffalo in question would have a different version).
      facts about Indian buffalos - if it weren't for the 4 legs they would have been included in reptiles category. They don't move more than 1 mile per day speed.
      Indian cows,buffalos outnumber the number of cars on Indian roads.

      Her defense,
      The other cousin who was the passenger and 8 years old that time didn't have the voice to do "kee kee kee" time and wasn't loud enough.

      We still remind her of her Vocal honking skills , now she has a phd and a 4 year old :)

      Delete
  17. "I think I might show them my genitals". Too funny!!

    As for the rest, I clearly haven't been doing this driving thing right. Except the race bit. I do that. And I always win!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Watch out. I know a guy with a pretty sick Prius who's looking to end that winning streak of yours.

      Delete
    2. Pretty sure I could take him! :D

      Delete
  18. Hahaha! I don't drive that much these days (I'd rather take the bike to be honest), but I encounter every one of those characters whenever I happen to drive. Also, I use my signal horn to voice my disapproval - but ONLY if being cut off in any foul way. The rest I can handle, if everyone is in such a hurry to crash their cars, that's their problem. *spoken like a true 75 year old lady or what*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whether you ride a bike or drive a car, and whether you're 25 or 75 I don't discriminate. No matter who you are, I will run your ass down... while honking my horn to voice my disapproval.

      Delete
  19. That reminds me of Jon lajoe:

    Women are stupid, and I don't respect them,
    That's right, I just have sex with them,

    Show me your genitals, your genitals,
    (What!)
    Show me your genitals,
    (Your genitalia!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't have sex with your personality,
      And I can't put my penis in your college degree,
      And I can't shove my fist in your childhood dreams,
      So why're you sharing all this information with me?


      Great song. I could not have said it any better myself.

      Delete
  20. The driver's ed course I took consisted solely of watching Death Race 2000 (the original) and the end sequence of Road Warriors, so I think I'm good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In all fairness, the crappy remake of Death Race with Jason Statham does do a pretty good job of getting that same point across.

      Delete
  21. I've not been a driver much but I have seen a lot of shitty drivers in my time as a passenger. I think the absolute worst of the worst is the tailgaters though. Even as a passenger those people annoy me no end and it's not just dangerous, it's also pretty damn scary.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I don't drive, but when I do, I will be religiously referring back to these guidelines.

    "What if someone wants to merge in front of you? Simple--they're just trying to single you out for being weak". Best sentence I've read today!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Also, if you haven't already, get a huge chunk of wood and stick some rusty nails onto the end of it. If anyone cuts you off, you don't have to dirty up your hands when you viciously assault them. I mean, I don't know about you, but I'm not busting up my knuckles because some inconsiderate jackass wanted to go faster than me.

      Delete
  23. Seriously it is like the 9 to 5 NASCARR freaks are in full force out there in rush hour. Why are they in a hurry to go TO work? Don't they dread it like everyone else?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And here I thought I was the only one that always trudged off to work as slow as possible, so I could delay going in as much as I could.

      Delete
  24. Some of your timely tips will really come in handy. Should I use any additional caution for merging semis or should I just barrel ahead. Do you suggest that I buy one of those little Smart Cars so if the semi hits me there is less debris to clear off the road. I wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone or cause you to have to put down your beer. As far as bad drivers pissing on my cornflakes...my cornflakes are sufficiently drenched at this point.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should always cut off semis. Don't give them special treatment. Remember, semis are just oversized cars, and can definitely stop as fast as you can if you can cut them off and slam on your brakes.

      Delete
  25. What about honking at cyclist as you go past them and laughing as they jump and crash? Amateurs.

    Did you y'all have a Death Race 2000 marathon or something?

    And which one of you was it that cut me off a few weeks ago and inspired my post on this subject?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, don't forget cyclists and even motorcyclists. Those 2 wheeled ingrates need to know their place on the road.

      Also, you would know if I'd cut you off, because if I had, you wouldn't be here to comment right now.

      Delete
    2. LOL
      There are a lot of hills out here, even if there are no cliffs.

      Delete
  26. On my commute this morning, traffic was a bumper-to-bumper crawl (on a highway) for FIVE MILES.

    Now when I sit in that kind of gridlock, I anticipate carnage...nuns and orphans decapitated when the bus crashed, blood everywhere...

    But no. Everyone was rubbernecking a broken down Chevy.

    Had I read this blog first, I would have had the tools to navigate this sea of idiots.

    Proof that people are sheep? After two miles, I got into the HOV lane (okay, it was a minute before the nine am restriction lifted)...no other drivers followed suit, they just followed the herd.

    Universal truth....

    Everyone driving slower than you is an.....IDIOT

    Everyone driving faster than you is a....MANIAC

    LC

    ReplyDelete
  27. No matter how often I say the words "lol" or "haha" online, I very rarely actually laugh out loud at anything but when I scrolled down in the first part and the guy says how he's running out of road and then went flying off a cliff took me to the absolute limit and I couldn't help laughing. It takes some major talent for me to laugh out loud and that's just testimony of how bloody brilliant you blokes are, amazing post.

    ReplyDelete
  28. There are so many crazy drivers around here where I live. I hate it when the drivers with big-ass or fast cars feel the need to ride your ass trying to force you to move over. I always stand strong and won't move. They will finally get frustrated and move to the next lane. Haha, Julie wins again!

    ReplyDelete
  29. This post could save a life, guys. Well done.

    Of course, for every life that is saved by following these rules, at least a dozen other people will be maimed and killed. But hey, at least we get there faster, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, those chumps knew what they were getting into when they started driving on MY road.

      Delete
  30. Someone's suffered some road range a short while ago, huh?

    I know a friend who drives to your rules. It's time to share your page.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Here in Denver, suffering road rage is a daily occurrence. I kid you not.

      I've been to California, and I've been to Las Vegas, and I can promise you that Denver is worse than both of them combined. And really, neither of us have any idea why.

      Delete
    2. You guys talk about road rage like it is a bad thing...

      Should you keep all that pent up inside you and risk high blood pressure or a migraine?

      I saw no!

      It is healthy to vent, and who better to vent at than the feeble-minded weakling who stand between you and your destination?

      LC

      Delete
  31. When you say "flip the bird", are you talking to me, motherfucker? Because I'll flip your goddam Corolla on your goddam legs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Congrats you just made second in "death list five" - signed the "toyota" bride.

      Delete
    2. Whoa, now they have road rage in Canada, too? Humanity is so fucked.

      Delete
  32. I used to work right next ti the Sierra Nevada Brewery. So hard to work with a brewery right out the stinkin window! I was looking forward to the cartoon pic of the full monty while driving and holding beers!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Sodomizing an ENTIRE family would take some serious time and effort. You guys really take road safety to the extreme. I can respect that.

    I don't think I've used my horn more than 3 times in the 12 years I've been driving. Each time somebody was merging directly into me while I was in their blind spot. That being said I definitely get frustrated by slow drivers and have little tolerance for jerk drivers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When it comes to sodomizing a whole family, you have to organize who goes in what order, you have to have the right amount of space and the proper amount of time, and really, it requires a lot of physical stamina. You have to be in top shape. This kind of rage takes some serious planning.

      Delete
  34. I wish I would have known this BEFORE my driver's test. I would have gotten a perfect score instead of just an 88! I've been doing things wrong all along! Thank goodness you guys told me!

    ReplyDelete
  35. And they're all in Hondas or Subarus. Seriously! Those little commuter car fuckers are always the ones that try to cut me off.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes when you have that much power it's just too hard to contain "the beast."

      Delete
  36. Poor GRANDMA "OLD SOUL" FIDDLESTICKS, "rockin' her flower print vest". When they're not knocking her down an escalator, they're running her off a cliff. (Yeah, some people may forget, but I don't! Did anyone else catch that? I haven't got enough time to read all the comments to see.)

    "HOLD MY BEER..."
    That really should become a popular expression for "Bad shit's about to happen!"

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
  37. You guys !! A perfect way to end the week x

    ReplyDelete
  38. Yep, and that is exactly how they drive in Adelaide peak hour.
    Now I know exactly how to respond

    ReplyDelete
  39. They are everywhere, drive here like that 24/7

    ReplyDelete
  40. How could you forget the brake check?! Teach those tailgaters a lesson.

    Also, shaking your fist is just as fun as giving the finger, and also really confuses people.

    You guys should start your own driver's ed.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cU6TxpG_p4

    ReplyDelete
  41. Don't forget about cutting people off and then slowing down to about twenty-five and then when they try to pass you matching their speed while flipping them while pacing them. That always makes people happy.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I agree with this post so much that I almost soiled myself. On the road of life it is either kill or be killed, and if necessary I intend to kill, even if it means that I am killed in the process.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I think I just read the manual for driving in the Middle East! I once saw a poor frightened learner driver going round and round the same roundabout with her head almost touching the windscreen... It wasn't until I got closer that I realised her instructor was asleep!

    ReplyDelete
  44. And this is why I only drive as drunk as possible. Also, I'm pretty sure that "piss in your cornflakes" is an actual fetish.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Hm, I thought I'd responded to this post, but it seems I hadn't. Sorry to be so late to the party. I'm a slow driver. I really am, and it bugs the hell outta the other drivers. I see lots of fingers. How is it possible that you just posted this Idiot's Guide on the 15th, but people have been following it for years -except the genital displays. I haven't seen any of that, and I'm somewhat disappointed.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  46. To hell with the other drivers....the real problem lies within the pedestrians. Who do they think they are, claiming that they have the right of way when crossing a street?

    ReplyDelete
  47. Wow great information. If you want to learn driving and live in North West or Hornsby area then Cherrybrook Driving School is the best place. Castle Hill driving school.

    ReplyDelete