The key, of course, is sacrificing the safety of everyone else on the road by driving as aggressively and selfishly as possible. Here's how...
1. Take everything personally
Driving is not just a way of getting from one point to another. Driving is a means of taking out your frustration. And when that gal in the big SUV gets a little too close to your car while merging in front of you, she's not doing it because you're in her blind spot. No, she woke up that morning thinking how much she wanted to piss in your cornflakes. Do not let her get away with this injustice. Cut her right back off and show her you are not one to be trifled with.
Or what if someone wants to merge in front of you? Simple--they're just trying to single you out for being weak. Don't let them. Speed up and force them to take an exit they don't want to take. Or make them run off into the shoulder. Or make that selfish prick fly off into a ditch.
And don't feel bad about it afterwards. Just remember that her actions were intentionally directed toward you, and in the urban jungle, it's either kill or be killed.
2. It's all one big race
Every stop light, every side street, every highway. It's all a race. Even school zones and neighborhoods. Everyone's all trying to get there faster than you. Don't let them.
You see, it doesn't matter whether you drive a brand new Corvette or a 20 year old Toyota Corolla--you need to gun it everywhere you go to show everyone just how fast and how important you are. You should also weave through traffic to advance your position. Everyone else is totally just sitting behind each other in a huge line of traffic because they like going slow and they like blocking you in on purpose (see above). Don't let them push you around. Push that 4 cylinder engine to the limit, let that 150 horsepower scream, and do Vin Diesel proud.
And when you arrive at your destination, having narrowly avoided 37 accidents, having achieved 12 miles to the gallon, and having burned out half of your engine, just know that it's totally worth the 28 seconds you shaved off of your 30 minute trip.
3. Don't be afraid to use your horn (and your finger)
Yes, it's important to flip any and all of your offenders the bird. As a driver, that's a given. But what if they don't notice you because they're too busy being self absorbed assholes and "focusing on the road"? Well, that's what the horn is for.
The horn on your car is not just there to alert other people of possible dangers. No, the horn is a tool used to assert your anger. Someone cut you off? Lay on it. Some jerk's trying to merge in front of you? Lay on it. Ambulance wants to get by because they're in some kind of hurry? Block that dumbass in and lay on that horn. It'll show everyone how intelligent you are by constantly being aware of your surroundings while simultaneously not taking shit from anyone.
And just remember, kids: where the human lungs are weak and give out after screaming for only 20-30 seconds, a blaring horn can scream for an eternity.
4. When all else fails, don't be afraid to throw down
Out on the road, there are no rules (well, except for laws, which are trivial), meaning that it's every person for themselves. And if someone drives faster than you, or merges in your lane, or makes eye contact with you, sometimes you just need to take action into your own hands by pulling over and beating the ever-loving crap out of them.
Bad drivers are everywhere, and often the only way to get into their heads that they've made an egregious error is through your fists.
There you have it, guys. Just stick to these simple rules and you'll get to all of your destinations faster than everyone else and without being messed with.
Remember, it's dangerous out there, and practically everyone is out to intentionally kill you. We just want to see you stay safe.
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Beer: Sierra Nevada PA
Music: Gypsy and the Cat