Thursday, August 22, 2013

Reality TV for the Shower

We've gotten about a dozen random emails in the last year asking why we (Brandon and Bryan) don't have our own reality TV show. Because, let's face it, if Honey Boo Boo is allowed to not only avoid genetic sterilization every day, but have her own reality show, then why shouldn't we? I mean, we both lead such interesting lives...

Like Brandon, who, thanks to his family contracting business, spends most of his days inside the homes of strangers...

Monday:

Tuesday:

Wednesday:

Thursday:

Friday:

And sometimes, just sometimes, (when all other avenues of procrastination have been expired) he writes...


And Bryan's days are nothing shy of Emmy-bound TV in the making either. As a full time stay at home writer who takes Internet surveys to pay the bills, his days are a constant thrill ride of nonstop action and entertainment. Like when he does product tests for money.


And sometimes he even has to make difficult executive decisions.



And even though he stays home all day, he still finds time to be a social butterfly and keep up with his favorite hobbies. Sometimes both at the same time, like when cooking gourmet meals for new friends.


And at the end of the day, he takes those valuable life experiences and turns them into award winning novels.


So there you have it, folks. A knockout look at why we totally deserve our own show. If you'll just forward this link on to your most connected friends, I'm sure we'll be live and on the air next week right after the latest episode of Pawn Shop Storage Bachelor Cupcake Trucker Dancing Wars or some such bullshit.

Cheers and stay classy, folks!

-B&B

Beer: Denver Pale Ale
Music: White Fudge

73 comments:

  1. I love both of you guys an equal amount and I'd love to see a reality television show about both of you but Brandon's job excites me so much, it must suck when you bring your big boy pockets to a day in the ghetto by accident. With that said I think I'd prefer Bryan's job as a stay at home writer, it'd be a dream job for me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Any job that allows you to show up to work not wearing pants is a job worth having.

      Delete
  2. I'm sorry, but any food/wine/anything reviewer who uses "notes" to describe subtle flavors is as credible at their job as, well, me doing any job, or me claiming to be athletic...OH there's a good reality show, take me, the least athletic person on the planet, (yes, including Stephan Hawking) and get athletes to try and train me. Sorry, I don't mean to be competitive but I'm very poor and probably need to work more.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How about the "Turn Pickleope Into a Professional MMA Fighter Show"? Spoiler alert: it's just you getting the crap beaten out of you for 12 straight episodes.

      You've gotta earn that shameless TV money.

      Delete
  3. Hahaha Boyfriend tells me my family and I should have one bc we're all italian and yelly. He vastly underestimates how much "sitting alone" I do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sitting along while being almost any ethnicity - boring as hell.

      Sitting alone while being Italian - JACKPOT! Let's make us a show! You are so crazy and out there!

      Delete
  4. haha well I wouldn't mind the dough from a reality show, I think I'd have to kill myself for stooping so low. But showing toilets and air bud, will sure make the minds of america that much brighter, as in more space for light, lol go to it

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll have you know that Air Bud is an intelligent, well thought out series. Just look at the title - instead of Golden Retriever it's Golden RECEIVER. That is clever, A-list Hollywood writing at its finest.

      Delete
  5. I'd like a show about how you guys come up with your posts. Do you sit at a table and throw about random ideas, or do you just have a stockpile of topics at your disposal? I couldn't even think of what to have for breakfast, so I didn't eat at all.

    Anyway, while the network execs are at it, they can chronicle my daily life as a cubicle worker and my slow decent into insanity.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Coming up next, it's the day before the post is scheduled to be put up and Brandon and Bryan are sitting at a table drinking beer for three hours while occasionally muttering, 'you think of anything funny yet'? followed by a grunt that means 'no, not really'."

      Most exciting reality show ever!

      Delete
  6. Your reality is more interesting than mine, but my alternate reality is fantastic. I've got a house full of gorgeous men who are mute and live to fulfill my every whim. The don't ask for pay (they can't talk, they're mute) and they smile all the time. And so do I.

    Truly I think mute men are the way to go. Also frontal lobotomies for men are highly underrated. Statistics show that women who marry mute men who have not a thought in their pretty heads live longer and healthier lives.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I bet those men also live healthier and longer lives, from not being strangled by angry women.

      Delete
  7. Reality show suggestions? It doesn't matter whether you have interesting life or not, did you release any sex tape, i thought that was a prerequisite.
    And for writers like you, "reality show" is a offensive term right? Shunning the creativity and filling the story and dialogues with fights and bitchy.

    And I would totally watch your reality show if the director Aaron Sarokin, that man made me change the perception about story being the important element of success. I could give him mylife , my kids poop and diaper stories it could turn it into awesome script and nail biting adventure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Reality shows are only offensive to my brain cells.

      Also, I should scoff at the idea of reality being scripted, but let's face it, 99% of these shows are scripted anyway, so bring on Aaron Sorkin. My only condition is that he lets us do the dramatic, fast paced West Wing "walk" while we brainstorm writing ideas.

      Delete
  8. You guys could do the first animated reality show. I guess it would be the first. I'm not sure what is on TV now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't watch much TV, but mundane blue collar jobs are big now. Logging, axing, trucking, garbage men, elephant inseminators, etc. Sitting on my ass and watching people do hard, disgusting jobs is fun!*

      *apparently

      Delete
    2. You know what Andrew said about Nasturtiums. You guys would easily be as popular as South Park. And really all you need to add is the animation.

      Delete
  9. I don't know which book I'd rather read; the stripper dog or the lonely gerbil. But I'd probably watch an ABFTS reality TV show. I've considered using surveys to supplement my income but I was way too paranoid about using my own information and when I tried using fake information it worked, but it took about a week just to make ten freakin dollars.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wouldn't recommend surveys to anyone unless you know what you're doing, how to answer them, and where to find the ones that don't pay squat (i.e. 50 cents for 20 minutes of your time). Have you considered prostitution or selling drugs?

      Delete
  10. I'm going to install a video camera in both of your houses to see what you get up to. Nothing to do with reality television, I just want to make sure that you're still you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. By day, he's a mild mannered writer. But by the light of the moon, he becomes something else entirely... an irritable alcoholic with unresolved emotional issues. Wait, is that good TV, or just plain depressing?

      Delete
    2. There you go, you are all geared up for reality show, a stalker - gay stalker, cyber bully, psycho fan - you can give him any name and he has cookie monster avatar.

      Delete
  11. "Big Boy Pockets" - Ha!-Ha!

    Fifi is finally going to give up marking that pole, eh? Good for her. It was a waste of urine anyway; every time she marked it, some other dog was just marking over it 10 minutes later regardless.

    4-B, for 15 words your description was so accurate that I momentarily thought you were taste-testing Stone Brewing Company's 'Smoked Porter' instead of octopus flavored potato chips (which, by the way, go GREAT with Stone's 'Smoked Porter'!)

    And now I finally know why my all-time favorite cartoon went off the air. All these years, Bullwinkle had been hanging around in some mansion. (Glad to see he's found a new home with Brandon.)

    ~ Stephen

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should see what happened to Rocky.

      (Hint - he might make a "guest appearance" in that new beer I'm brewing...)

      Delete
  12. What happens if the dog stripper meets the lonely gerbil? Or is that taking it too far?
    Need to wear big boy pockets all the time and give the stuff to Bryan so he can sell it on EBay.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What happens? I'll tell you - pure, unadulterated magic.

      Also, I prefer to hawk things on Craigslist. Less of a trail left behind for those black market items, plus people pay in cash.

      I mean... no, we'd never do that.

      Delete
  13. I'd watch it, ten times better than some of the arse water on TV at the moment!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Love the pic with Stan Lee giving me the finger.

    I went to a wedding where a reality show director/producer just happened to sit at the table with us. After watching The Husband and I all night, he told us we'd make a great show and gave us his card. The entire table of people sitting with us tried to convince us we should do it, ha! NEVER going to happen. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds like it would be absolutely miserable - not the show, but having cameras shoved up your nose 24/7. They don't want you looking your best. They want you looking your worst. No thanks.

      Delete
  15. I think you're missing the point that that's the stuff America really wants to see. I mean, old women in the grocery store talking about how Bryan cooked a meal for a broom... You know they're just waiting for it.

    I spent a summer working for a (house) painter. One day when they were behind on a job, they decided to start spraying the interior of the house while we were still working on the pre-painting stuff. Only the painter was allowed to wear the oxygen gear. I had an out-of-body experience that day... as a mushroom.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now that I think about it, don't they already have a reality show like that on A&E? Weird obsessions and habits? "Next up, watch this man cook a spaghetti dinner for his broom girlfriend." That doesn't sound too unlike something you might see on that show.

      Also, I kinda really want to hear this out-of-body mushroom experience.

      Delete
    2. Well, I wouldn't actually know, not being one that watches television in general and reality shows in specific. (We only watch selected shows after the fact (DVD) because we don't have cable or satellite or anything.)

      Yeah, I'll have to get that one written up sometime. It is the closest I've had to a drug episode.

      Delete
  16. You might need a better angle for your reality show.

    I've heard selling duck caller things works, but I don't know that either one of you have the beard for it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Hold on, let me call my buddy who's an expert in growing beards."

      Delete
  17. There's only one thing stopping you guys from starring on a Reality Show: you have talent.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
  18. Screw reality TV. You guys need to host a talk show! I'd totally watch that!

    PS: I totally want the recipe for that mustard and Lucky Charms casserole! Our neighbors have a rather pesky cat we've been hoping to find a quiet way to gt rid of...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Get rid of it? Psssh, once that cat's had my cooking, that thing'll be coming around for life.

      Delete
  19. it's the day before the post is scheduled to be put up and Brandon and Bryan are sitting at a table drinking beer for three hours while occasionally muttering, 'you think of anything funny yet'? followed by a grunt that means 'no, not really

    This would work better if you were smoking grass instead of drinking beer...

    And ratings would improve if you distributed grass to your target audience....

    Remember that we're not all in Colorado....some of us are going to need prescriptions...

    LC

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As both our legal counsel and an (un)licensed doctor, I think I can get you your prescription. Just talk to my pharmacist Tito the Bandito. He's "got whatchu need, mang."

      Delete
  20. I think this show would be a lot better than the garbage TLC has on today. Remember when TLC meant "The Learning Channel"?? No ones learning now, guaranteed!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I learned that redneck Mormons can shit out almost 20 kids while other more deserving couples can't even have one. I also learned that most toddlers forced into beauty contests are done so because their mothers never accomplished anything in life and feel a need to justify their own existence.

      That count for anything?

      Delete
  21. I need a break from blogging
    I actually fancy a blog cartoon of a guy with stubble

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. These cartoons aren't just about humor, they're about sex appeal, too. Store that baby away in ye old 'spank bank'!

      Delete
  22. I would totally watch a reality show of your exciting. lives but please, tell me there is no equivalent of Mama Shannon or Sugar Bear. There is just so much camo I can see before I start seeing irregular kaki and green spots before my eyes.

    Better pick the Air Bud, Golden Receiver and save the Santa Paws for closer to Christmas. Starting the holiday too soon just takes the fun out of it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually went with neither of them and ended up getting Space Buddies. From the back of the box:
      "The Buddies tag along for a field trip to the space museum and accidentally walk aboard a rocket ship."

      And really, what's better than dogs floating around helplessly in space?

      Delete
  23. I don't think they can afford to pay you enough. Your show would end up making so much money that they wouldn't be able to pay you enough for your sudden fame. Plus, you aren't stupid enough.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you severely underestimate how poor we are and how little we'd need to be paid just to mug in front of a camera on broadcast TV. But thank you. :)

      Delete
  24. I would totally watch your show! And Rachel's right, you're too smart to get one.

    ReplyDelete
  25. If there is a Santa Paws 2 does that mean there was a santa Paws 1 and it made enough money to justify to make a second movie? In that case just stay away from TV - there are obviously stupid people around.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sadly, yes, and as the second one only came out last year, I would not doubt there's a Santa Paws 3 in the works...

      Delete
  26. I want Brandon's job. If it could land me in a grow house at least once a week I'd be set!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you'd rather be in one than land in one, you want Bryan's job...

      Delete
  27. I've seen way worse reality shows than that... "SHARON!!! I'M STUCK ON THE F**KING WEATHER CHANNEL AGAIN!!!" - just saying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for painfully reminding me of that show. It was great watching just how feeble and sad an aged hard rocker can be after years of torment on his mind and body.

      Delete
  28. Replies
    1. I need to gain 200 lbs and shred any ounce of dignity I once had... BRB!

      Delete
  29. "who takes Internet surveys to pay the bills"
    Wait, that's a thing people actually live off? They aren't all the biggest scams around? Wow, looks like the internet still has some secrets for me then. Mind elaborating on this? Doesn't it get awfully boring really quickly?

    Brandon's house-hopping might actually make for a good reality show though. Sure you'd have to stage some really thrilling stuff to get the ball rolling, but faking it is common practice in today's reality showbiz.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I'd watch, and that's really saying something given I swore a solemn oath to never watch another reality TV show after an unfortunate Toddlers & Tiara's incident.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I hadn't even finished groaning over "Golden Retriever", and then you sprung "Broomhilda" on me!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Very peculiar lives you lead. However the most intriguing thing I see is the deer head with the moose antlers. Now that is something special. If you could just capitalize on the breeding patent you would be rich in no time catering to us rednecks and hillbillies. Just think, a giant rack, coupled with a body that one person can still drag through the woods . It's pure money boys!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Reality TV has it's place - in the trash, but if anybody could pull it off with some 'class', it would be you guys. BYW, been wondering about the really real 'Slim Dyson' production.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I had another comment and instead of clicking "Publish" I clicked "Older Post" without realizing it.

    Let's assume that other comment was Comment Gold, or even Comment Platinum. Whereas this comment is Comment... what's a metal that's not valuable? Or are all metals valuable? I remember reading about how J.P. Morgan (whose nickname, "ChaseBank" would never quite catch on) tried to corner the zinc market. That is a true story, as it this: I once used the story of JP trying to corner the zinc market to prove that everything is symbolic of everything, by proving that you could make "Hound Dog" by Elvis Presley an allegory of that failed-zinc-cornering.

    See what I mean about this comment? That other one was WAY better.

    CLICK PUBLISH NOW MAN BEFORE THEY BAR YOU FOREVER...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is NOT...
      The greatest comment in the world.
      This is just a tribute.

      Delete
    2. Couldn't remember the greatest comment in the world. No, this is a tribute.

      So much win going on here, gentlemen.

      Delete
  35. Lucky Charms and Mustard is sadly under-rated. If it was up to me you'd have that reality show. I'd even watch it. And I hate reality shows. Too much...reality.

    ReplyDelete
  36. You guys *are* my most connected friends! You are my friends, right? Just say yes. Please. Pretty, please!

    ReplyDelete
  37. If you take the real-life inspired posts and put them on TV, they'd be gold. However, according to this post, it'd have to be a monthly thing. Most people don't stick around.

    "Guys do you remember the owl episode? The owl wanted sexy time OH GOD I RIP MY SPLEEN LAUGHING EVERY TIME.

    ReplyDelete
  38. If anyone deserves a reality TV show it's Broomhilda. Her struggles with being ignored and fed strange food on a daily basis is relatable on some many levels.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Stay at homer here too. I've talked to my cleaning supplies, with no shame!

    ReplyDelete
  40. I would watch any show the two of you are involved in.

    ReplyDelete